


Ronan: To the Moon and Back

by WhereAnaWrites



Series: To the Moon and Back [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A kitten named Pepper Potts, Anxiety Attacks, Cancer, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Love, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Characters Death, Music, OFC - Freeform, Original Character/OT4 frienship, Panic Attacks, Photography, Rae is the lorelai gilmore of her time, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Support, Tattoos, Unintentional Self Harm, childrens hospital - Freeform, itsnotasmorbidasitsounds, mentions of loneliness, way too much coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-08-15 14:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 57
Words: 181,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8059231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereAnaWrites/pseuds/WhereAnaWrites
Summary: Raelyn's world is black and white. Shades of gray and dark shadows lurking in her dreams. She only ever sees the color blue. Blue in the eyes of her sick little brother. Blue in her own eyes staring back at her from the mirror. Blue in the sadness of the children's hospice wing, and blue, so blue, in the eyes of one boy who could possibly color her world again.Otherwise known as the story of a girl who can't cry; with a talent for photography, and the habit of panic attacks, with the brother who has cancer and the famous band the hospital is able to book to sing to the children.





	1. Dinosaurs and Music

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote this story two years ago, so the timeline is a bit off 1D album wise, but it's set before Midnight Memories comes out. I got this idea loosely based off of the song "Ronan".
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't any name or titles in this story, including One Direction, except for my own original characters. This story is fiction. Trigger Warnings: Panic/anxiety attacks, minor character deaths, cancer, hospitals, nightmares, unintentional self harm. I'll put a warning before any chapter that includes those triggers. If I miss anything, please let me know.
> 
> (Also, I am not British, nor have I ever been to any part of the UK, sadly, so forgive me for inaccurate languages/words/places/roads/weather.)

 

 

Photography is something Raelyn has always loved. Every aspect of it; the simple, the complicated, the contrasts between subjects, continued to grow on her, makes a nice, warm home in her heart. There's everything the light touches, how it can illuminate entire photos, make eyes sparkle, smiles radiant, oceans glitter, make people almost feel the warmth of the sun. Then there's the opposite. The dark, the haunting, the shadows creeping around trees, hiding around corners. Raelyn has the ability to capture storms in her photos, clouds that turn dark once the lightening has struck. It's everything she loves, something she feels good at, an escape she can run too, lock her mind away in her photographs, be so absorbed in her camera that she forgets reality. It's a hobby, a passion that doubles as her comfort blanket, something she feels safe in, feels at ease and relaxed. That is, until the day the shadows in her photos seep into her reality, the same day her whole lit up world is ensnared with darkness.  
****

 

Usually when Raelyn walks down the colorful, painted corridors of Humming Bird Children's Hospice, she has no evidence of a smile on her lips. She always has this feeling like she isn't allowed to be happy when the place is filled with masked misery, machines that beep loudly and dripping IV bags. Today, however, she finds that she can't fight the curling of her mouth as she clutches a small plastic dinosaur in her hand. She is ecstatic to see the reaction she might get out of the little gift. Despite the hovering gloom that seems to cling to the ceiling of the in-house wing over everyone in the place, today is her favorite day of the week.

Music day. The day were the dark clouds are replaced by beautiful colorful notes, acting as a rainbow in the middle of a storm. As Raelyn passes one of the patient's rooms, she hears guitar chords spilling out of the open door, the acoustic notes backing beautiful harmonizing voices. Doubling back to the room, Raelyn lingers in the doorway, next to a tall, buff man, watching the scene in front of her. The man shifts, pulling Raelyn's attention away for a moment to look up at him. She guesses he's a good 6'1 at least, with biceps big enough to crush her camera if it ever had the misfortune of falling between the man's arms. He must notice the visitors pass clipped to the hem of her shirt, because his borderline threatening gaze turns to normal, and offers her a friendly smile. Raelyn's returns it, dubs him as a bodyguard, and focuses back on the scene front of her

The backs of five boys face her, one with a black guitar strap slung over his shoulder, as they sing to the patient on the bed, who Raelyn now recognizes as the little three year old, Addie. No one can mistake the mile wide grin on the little blonde girls face as those boys belt out notes to a song she's heard several times before. Raelyn can feel her own smile grow bigger as Addie giggles; a chorus of tinkling bells, clapping her hands together. Addie suddenly stands up on her bed, picking up her feet, one right after the other in a little running dance. Her already concerned mother tugs gently on her daughter's arm, bringing her back down onto the bed so she won't overexcite her small body. One of the voices stop singing, replaced by a loud amused laugh at Addie's reaction. Her mother, smiling despite her daughter's jogging dance, acknowledges Raelyn's presence, returning the wave the mother gives her with her own. Taking one last glance at the day's musical guest, she turns away from the room, continuing to walk down the hall, stopping at another room four doors down.

Rae inhales a slow, deep breath. _Be strong. Smile._ Raelyn mentally preps herself, pressing the palm of her hand flat against her chest as a short spasm clenches at her muscles. She drops her hand from her chest to wrap her fingers around the sliver door handle, pausing to take one more deep breath, before exhaling shakily. Hiding the dinosaur behind her back, she enters the room, much less cheerful than the previous one.

Sitting on the bed is a little boy, legs criss-crossed beneath a blue blanket, decorated with red rocket ships and white stars. There's a nurse checking his vitals next to him, singing the alphabet while it looks like she's taking his blood pressure. The boys eyes shift from the nurse to Ralyen, and the second his blue eyes spot her, they light up brighter than the sun, instantly lifting the mood. The navy blue beanie he's wearing slips over his eyebrows, before he pushes it off his head completely. Raelyn makes a mental note to buy him a new one.

"Ra-Ra!" The boys calls cheerfully from his bed, faint dimple indented in his right cheek. The nurse, Jackie, who just finished the song and is now taking off the arm band, turns her attention to Ralyen, smiling in greeting before returning to her task.

"Hello Ronan!" Raelyn greets happily, ignoring the clenching of her heart and the drop of her stomach each time she comes in this room. "I've got a surprise for you!"

Ronan sits up straight, his eyes widening with curiosity. "A Lion!?"

Raelyn laughs, moving over to sit on his bed. "Not today," She answers, poking his nose.

"Lollipop!"

"No silly! Ittttsss..." She trails off, revealing the toy from behind her back. "A dinosaur!"

Ronan's surprised gasp and drop of his mouth is adorable, as he reaches out to grab the toy from her hand, clutching it to his chest. "RAWR!" He roars out unexpectedly.

Raelyn and Jackie exchange startled glances, neither of the two women expecting that amount of volume to emit from his mouth. They both can't help but laugh aloud at his reaction though. Raelyn checks to make sure Jackie is finished with Ronan's vitals before pulling her brother onto her lap.

"Do you like it?" Raelyn asks him, watching him twirl the dinosaur in the air. He nods, smiling at her. He touches the dinosaur's nose to her own, quickly pulling it back.

"Tex gave you a kiss."

"Tex, huh? How about you then? Do I get kiss from you?" Ronan places the toy beside him, reaching out to grab her face in his small hands. He presses his lips sloppily against her squished cheek with a loud smack.

She mimickes his actions, gently placing her hands onto his pale, cherub cheeks. "An' wha' do we shay?" Raelyn's attempt to form full words fails.

"Thank you, Rae!" "I love you, Ronan." Rae's able to get that much out clearly. Those three words being more important than anything else she could ever tell him.

"To the cheese and back!" Ronan giggles happily, loosening his grip.

"To the moon and back, little brother." She corrects, smiling and ignoring the weight on her heart.

*

Only a few minutes, there's a knock on the door. The siblings eyes averting over to the new visitors, Raelyn's face still mushed in Ronan's hands. They can't see who's behind the door, for the blinds are closed on the window, but whoever it is, they're waiting for the all clear to come in. The nurse opens the door, quickly informing the visitors and Raelyn that lunch time is in ten minutes. Rae's eyes widened in recognition, a little baffled on how the hospital was even able to book one of the biggest bands, and how she completely forgot she saw them earlier. Ronan drops his hands from his sister's face, already clapping in anticipation of the music to come.

"Who's that?" Ronan asks, in what he probably thinks is a whisper, bordering on a little too loud.

Rae attempts to hide her chuckle by placing her hand over her mouth for moment. "They're called One Direction, Bud. They play music."

"Hello, there." Someone says, pulling the siblings attention back to them. "I'm Liam". Although Liam sounds cheerful, there's a bit of timid nerves underlining his tone that Raelyn picks up on. "Mind if we play some songs for you both?"

"Yeah. Yes. That would be lovely." Raelyn smiles, shifting around with Ronan still in her lap, to face the them.

"What's your name, buddy?" Liam questions.

"Ronan!" He answers brightly, then grabbed the ends of his sisters hair in his fist, tugging twice.

"Ra-Ra!" Raelyn softly kisses the top of Ronan's bald head. She then extends her hand out to shakes Liam's. "I'm Raelyn."

"Hi, I'm Harry." Harry introduces himself next, shaking her hand with both of his, then gives a high five to Ronan. "Nice to meet you both."

After proper introductions are over, the five boys rearranged themselves around the bed, as Niall begins to softly strum his guitar. Raelyn wraps her arms tighter around her brother, gently rocking him side to side, swaying to the music. Several times throughout the chorus of a few songs, she has to calm Ronan down. He just gets so excited over music and new people who become immediate friends to him no matter who they are or how soon he's met them. She has to carefully watch him so he does't overexert himself and make his vitals go haywire. Raelyn hates that he has to be so careful. A four year old shouldn't have to be calmed while enjoying music. They shouldn't have to be stuck in a freezing hospital room, with visiting hours and scheduled meal times. They shouldn't be hooked up to machines monitoring their heart, or assisting their breathing and stuck with needles that give them medication to numb the pain. Four year olds shouldn't have to deal with the cancer that plagues their bodies. So, if sitting in that cold hospital bed listening to the music of One Direction distracts her little four year old brother from his bleak reality, if only for a moment, then Raelyn will take that over anything, any day.

Raelyn frowns and sneaks one hand off of Ronan and onto her chest, pressing as hard as she can while remaining subtle. She tries to will away the spams in her chest, and force her thoughts into the back of her mind. She refocuses back on the music, her gaze catching the blue of Louis' own. He seemed to have noticed the way her hand grips at her chest, and the slight frown pulling at the corners of her mouth, and offers her a kind smile. Raelyn drops her hand and smiles back at him, accepting empathy from a basic stranger. Louis turns his attention back to the song, flawlessly singing his solo. Yes, Raelyn thinks, as Ronan is softly clapping along with Zayn, if they could distract Ronan, make him happy for thirty minutes, she'd take it in a heartbeat.

***


	2. Charlie and Mum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zero warnings for this one...except for the slowness of it...

After driving home from a good day at Humming Bird, Raelyn sits quietly in her old classic car, 1980's Volkswagen beetle. A gift to her from her uncle for her 17th birthday, before he moved to America on business. It may be old, the color may be fading from weather, and okay, maybe the rear-view mirror snaps off if adjusted one too many times. It may have broken down that one time her and her best friend took a road trip to Scotland that summer they both finished and passed their A-level exams, but it's hers now. As rustic and aged as it might be. The engine, thankfully had been replaced when her uncle fixed it up. She's had it for three years now and she still loves it; thinks the car has character. She named it Charlie, and Charlie would remain his name, parked in the front drive of her house.

Raelyn rests her forehead against the steering wheel, one hand gripping the peeling leather, the other rubbing soothing circles into her chest. It wasn't bad, the visit went just fine. Ronan was better today than he was last week, and maybe her little present had something to do with that. Or maybe it was just the songs sung to him and the rest of the patients. Maybe it was the way all five boys stayed to chat longer with Ronan, making him laugh and allowing him to pluck some string on the guitar. However, she can't figure out why her chest feels like its clenching, spazzing, like it normally does if something isn't quiet right. She can't figure out why it's bothering her at this moment when the day spent at the hospital was just fine. With a deep sigh, she heaves herself out of her car, carefully closing the door as to not hurt Charlie's feelings, and ignores the annoying ache in her chest. She had noticed her mother's car when she pulled up, slightly confused because her mother has two jobs and barely has any time for a break long enough to make a home visit for lunch.

"Mum!?" Raelyn calls out after she opens the door, toeing off her shoes in the mini pile by the door. 

"In the kitchen, Rae!" Is her mothers response, loud enough to carry.

"Mother dearest, why are you home? Shouldn't you be at work, what did I tell you about skipping?" Rae tisks playfully.

"Oh hush. Like you never skipped a class in your day." Her mother, MaryAnn, chides teasingly. "I do remember getting a lovely call from one of your teachers."

Rae flinches sheepishly. "That was five years ago and of course the one time I skip out is the day Mr. Winburn notices. That photo gallery show was in town and I wanted to go. All very important for my future career."  She steals a grape from her mum's fruit bowl, popping it in her mouth. "Now, what's your excuse?"

MaryAnn tuts fondly, carefully cutting up some watermelon. "If you must know, my boss took most of his workers out for lunch, which have the rest us some extra time to come home and see our lovely daughters." She pecks Rae's cheek.

"Why didn't you go?" Rae asks, chewing on another grape.

"Can't have your receptionist missing important calls, can we?"

"Makes sense, since she's currently at home missing those calls anyway."

MaryAnn chuckles. "How's Ronan?"

And just like that, the light teasing mood shifts to gray. The tightening around her mother's eyes doesn't go unnoticed by Raelyn, nor does the slight frown by the corners of her mouth. It's hard having to ask her eldest child how her baby boy is, instead of having the time to see him herself. Not with the two jobs that said mother of both children is working.

"Better today, I think." Rae answers, eyeing her mum's expression carefully. "Gave him that dinosaur I bought. Didn't out do your gift though. He never lets go of that blanket and he watches Peter Pan almost every night, according to Jackie."

Her mother nods, a knowing smile on his lips. "It's music day, innit? How was the band?"

"Good...how'd you know it was a band? Not a violinist, or I dunno, Ed Sheeran? What if they shoved a microphone in my hand and told me to sing impromptu karaoke?"

"Would you have sang, though?" MaryAnn gives her daughter a once over, accepting the disagreeing shake of Rae's head. "Plus, if Ed Sheeran were there you wouldn't be home right now and I'd probably have a son-in-law by now."

"Mother!" Rae says sarcastically scandalized.

MaryAnn laughs, a bright joyful sound. "Were they cute, then? Nice and polite like they say?"

<i>"Mum!"</i>

"Alright, alright." Her mother laughs once more before  sliding the local newspaper over to her. 

On the front page is a small picture of One Direction with a description that continues on page 5A. The article talks about how the successful band had finished touring in the US, and is making the rounds to local children's hospitals as a way to give back. There's a little tidbit of a well deserved break and wondering if fans would mob random places in London. It's sweet; the part about giving back and taking time to visit sick children. Children that can't, and will never get a chance to see musicians live. Rae smiles at that, wishing that sometimes she could be famous and give back in greater amounts than having to shed light on certain subjects through a camera and posting them on the internet. No one really pays attention to such a variety of amateur photographs.

"Did you see them there?" Her mother's voice brings Rae's focus back.

"Oh, um, yeah. They were there. Met them briefly. They sang about three songs to Ronan, stuck around a bit longer to talk with us. So yes, they were really nice."

"That blonde one's very cute. And that one with the soulful eyes? Very handsome. Well, they all-"

"I'll pass your number along next time if it'll make you feel better?" 

"Oh hush you, and pass be that top."

Rae obliges, passing the top of the container, watching her mum finish making the rest of her lunch. Another four stolen grapes and a travel mug of hot tea later, both women are walking out towards their cars.

"I'll be home late," MaryAnn informs reluctantly. "Going straight to surveillance afterwards."

"So, no dinner?" Rae frowns.

She hates that her mum has to work two jobs, one late at night until the early hours of the morning. It pays well, and that's what is important, according to her mother, because hospital bills add up and with only one parent to make income it's hard enough. Which is how Raelyn ended up working double shifts at the diner downtown. It isn't much, but she's able to pick up some overdue bills and pays her own way for gas, and film for her camera.

"I'm sorry, love bug." Her mum says, looks it, a pained expression crossing her face. "I'll make it up to both of you, this weekend. Give my love to Ro."

"Always." Rae promises with a smile.

With that they give each other a kiss on the cheeks, waving goodbye. Rae watches her mum drive off, turns the corner and disappears. She stands alone on the driveway for several moments, listening to a few scattered birds chirping, hidden in the treetops. She pats Charlie's bonnet a few times, before turning back to go inside her empty house.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I swear it picks up soon.


	3. Diners and "Like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this story was created and posted throughout the span of two years, it means I had to pleasure to witness a few things. Like this past note I found originally in front of this chapter. "Popping out chapters like the way Harry popped out on stage at my show with that stupid banana and chomping away at it like he's a hungry hungry hippo. (ihatethatkidjkidonthatehimatallimethimokbye)" That was in Florida- Miami...where the paps swarmed that deck...I was there that night. It was horrible. Anyway........

Rae wakes up from her nights sleep with a gasp, sitting up slowly. She shoves her fingers through her messy hair and reminds herself that the dream was just that. A dream. One that leaves her heart aching and muscle spasms in her chest, yet she still pinches her skin just to make sure. She gatherings her barrings, wipes the sweat from her forehead, calms her breathing until it's back at its normal rate, then gets ready for work.  
  
The diner she works at is called _Jaspers_ , owned by the name itself. It sits on the corner of a small intersection, and serves great food, classics and new twists on the classics. They serve one American item, which is the Philly cheesesteak, because Jasper himself had gone over to Philadelphia to visit family and fell in love with the greasy and mouthwatering sandwich. The tea is great and the coffee better because Jasper roasts his own beans and secretly adds a dash of nutmeg each time. It's warm, and cozy when it rains, and plays soft classic rock music through the speakers in the ceiling. Jasper is kind, and the cook Glenn, is gentle. Her coworkers are lovely and she's built lasting friendships with them. They understand when Rae has to suddenly take off because of Ronan and split the tip jar unevenly giving more to her because they all know she helps her mother pay the bills; despite Raelyn's protests. Though it's hard working double shifts at a 24 hour diner, she loves it. Well, most of the time. Raelyn's double shift at the diner has her on edge. She was fine with the late night/early morning shift, going to work at 12:00am until 5:00am. She did get a five hour break though, going home and sleeping through most of it, before she had to be back at ten.  
  
It is now one in the afternoon, and apparently everyone has decided to take their lunch break at the same time. Rae is beginning to hate her uniform, as she does when she's stressed at work, taking it out on the old fashion looking shirt. The material is an off white with maroon boarding around the hem of the shirt, sleeves and collar. Thankfully she's allowed to wear black jeans as part of it, because the girls had refuse to walk around in skirt all day long and Jasper had no problem throwing out that dress code. Her shirt has several stains scattered in different places, all different colors, due to the plate a little kid threw at her. Rae had only smiled politely, explained she had a younger brother who use to do that and went on her way.  
  
She takes orders from behind the counter for the people who are sitting there. Loving them for being easy to serve. She waits on four gossiping old ladies, who comments on the little camera tattoo on the side of Rae's forearm, a few inches above her wrist. They deem it distasteful and tacky to mark up your body. She mentally thanks the heavens that they hadn't seen the eight inch dream catcher etched on the back of her left shoulder; that would probably give them an aneurysm. Rae serves a group of posh business men, with one man from their group eyeing her like she's the meat instead of the hamburger on his plate.   
  
Then there were the two girls who sat at the counter, giggling with judgmental eyes at Rae the whole time. They teased everything about her. The way she placed the orders, how she smiled kindly at others, and made a comment about that one businessman, saying Rae was a slag who was probably going to ride her way to money in the back of his Mercedes. Rae has to bite her tongue back several times.  
  
She may or may not rant to the cook Glenn, an older man with a pot belly and warm eyes, who may or may not have either spit in their food, or spiked it with a bit of his laxatives. She wasn't going to ask and she didn't want to know, but thanked him nonetheless when the two girls suddenly run out of the diner after paying hastily. Rae reminds herself never to get on Glenn's bad side.  
  
The clock on the wall is just hitting the two pm mark, when another costumer walks in and sit on one of the spinning stool tops at the counter. It 's a face all to friendly to Rae and she's about to greet the new person when she's beckoned; rather rudely.  
  
Three teenage boys are sat at the corner table and had been giving Raelyn a hard time. Asking her to unroll their silverware, cut their meat right there at the table for them, and snapping their fingers at her while she was passing and within easy earshot. It was the snapping that, ironically made her snap. Rae whirls around, fire in her eyes and hands on her hips.  
  
"Excuse me." Rae begins hotly, "do I look like a dog to you? No? That's right, so don't you dare snap your fingers at me. And while we're at it, I am not your mother. Cut your own damn meat and use your own fork. Did your mother not teach you how to respect people, let alone your female waitresses? I bet your girlfriend loves that trait about you. Whoops, I'm sorry. My bad. You probably don't have a girlfriend, do you? Not with the way you treat women like they're beneath you. Now could you kindly get the fuck out of this diner?" With that, she stalks off behind the counter. It only takes two minutes for the boys to pay, with no tip, and hurry out of the diner. She didn't want their money anyway.  
  
"Oh, I do hope you have a lovely day!" Rae calls brightly after them, sarcasm dripping from every word.  
  
A low, long whistle reminders her of the new costumer at the counter. "Someone forgot to take their happy juice this morning."  
  
Raelyn glares the girl. "I had three cups of it thank you. I've had a horrible day and they just got the short end of the stick." She turns and sticks her head through the pick up window. "Jasper, Kari's here. I'm taking my break." She's given a thumbs up, and allowing her coworker and friend, Liz, to take over the rest of the dwindling customers. Rae hops over the counter top, and lands on a seat, falling forward dramatically into Kari's arm.  
  
"Take me to Pairs, darling! Let us run away and forget rude people, leave them behind and nay look back. Let us fall in love under the stars and take off our tops at the beaches." Rae rambles into her friend's shoulder, speaking like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.  
  
"I'll pass. I'm already in love and he's already seen me with my top off. Maybe next time." Kari pats Rae's head sympathetically.  
  
Rae sits up, pouting. "Romance is lost on you."  
  
"That bad?"  
  
"Some guy in an expensive suit groped my arse today. So yes." Rae makes a disgusted face.  
  
Kari makes one back. Her black and lavender ombre hair is pulled up into a bun, brown eyes lined with kohl and a frapuccino from Starbucks in her hand. Kari sees her eye her drink and without a beat, bends to pick up another cup she had been hiding beneath her stool. She rolls her eyes when Rae claps happily, take the drink and sips away.  
  
"Jasper will have your head for drinking this." Kari states.  
  
"Jasper doesn't make caramel ribbon crunches, now does he?"  
  
"I'm mad at you." Kari informs, pouting comically. Rae just blinks, clamping the straw between her lips as her response. "Here I thought I was your best friend, only to find out from the newsletter instead."  
  
Another blink, with a head tilt this time. Rae's suddenly confused.  
  
Kari looks around, then drops her voice. "One Direction doing some charity work at Hummingbird Hospice. Now," she brings her voice back up, "I'm quite sure I know someone who practically lives there. Why wouldn't she tell me?"  
  
Rae winces. "Sorry." She says, putting down her drink. "I, erm, sort of forgot? I've been busy these past few days working, helping mum and visiting Ronan."  
  
Kari smiles understandably. Raelyn knows that Kari loves her with all her heart and understands a lot. She knows Rae has horrible horrible anxiety when it comes to her brother, and get so wrapped up in her mind with negative possibilities that Rae some times forgets to mention things.  
  
"I'm only joking, darling. I know you wouldn't blab about it anyway. How's Ronan doing?"  
  
"Good, yeah. Good. He's good." Rae twirls a piece of her hair from her ponytail around her index finger. She takes a long sip from her drink.  
  
"Rae. Did something happen?" Kari questions gently, placing a hand on her friends.  
  
"Not with Ronan, he's doing alright. He loved when they sang to him. They're really nice lads, by the way. All five of them." Rae takes a breath. "I had that dream again. It's always the same one, over and over."  
  
"Why didn't you call me?"  
  
Rae shrugs. "I dunno. It wasn't as bad as last month. No panic attack or unbearable spasms. It was fine."  
  
"Oh, pumpkin!" Kari coos, tightening her hand on Rae's.  
  
"Kari, you only call me that when you're feeling sorry for me. You know I don't want that. It's not your fault."  
  
"I'm not feeling sorry, I'm feeling like some times I can't help you. And yeah, I know." Kari waves her free hand the moment Rae opens her mouth to protest, "you don't want any help from anyone because it's your burden to bare and not anyone else's. You don't want them to feel your pain or have to feel sorry, but Raelyn. You can't keep doing that to yourself. You'll crack."  
  
"I know." Rae admits sadly. "But honestly, I'm perfectly fine now." She flashes her a smile.  
  
"Tell that to the boys who's run off." Kari mutters darkly.  
  
Rae shoves her playfully. "I get off at four. Do you want to come see Ronan with me?"  
  
"Yes!"   
  
Rae laughs. "Calm yourself. They were only there on Friday. Probably just a one time thing."  
  
Kari only deflates a little. "I still want to come. You need help finishing the photos for the newsletter?"  
  
"Yeah, and thanks. I'll call you?"  
  
"Just like you did when the One Direction boys came." Kari quips sarcastically.  
  
"You'll live. I'm sure Lucas would have loved you purposing to one of them."  
  
"It's Liam, darling. Liam. If you're going to be my maid of honor you have to know the groom's name."  
  
"My bad. I'm sure your boyfriend will be the best man."  
  
"He knows it." Kari agrees. "He's opened to polygamy."  
  
"Kari!" Rae swats at her friends thigh, laughing along with her. "You're an idiot."  
  
"Love you too." Kari stands up, giving Rae a tight hug. "Call me later, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
They bid each other goodbye after that. Raelyn finishes her shift much happier than before, mainly due to Kari's visit, a friendly face to brighten up the gray walls of the diner. She's been friends with Kari since Primary school, ever since they traded their sandwiches at lunch. They had been there for each other during their first heartbreaks and loss of innocence and had gone through the backstabbing of someone who use to be their friend. Kari was there with Rae when she heard the news of Ronan's tests results. She had been there for her parents divorce, and several panic attacks.  
  
Kari was there the day Raelyn had stopped crying. Through dry eyes, Rae told Kari she felt like she could no longer cry. She had forced herself to stop, because tears were such a pathetic waste, as she was told once before. So she just stopped; held them in and as a result, she now suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. She deals with painful spams in her chest and tends to rub and scratch at it until her skin is red and raw.  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the next chapter is mmmuuccchh better.


	4. Louis Has Ocean Blue Eyes That Sparkle When Photographed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has ocean blue eyes that sparkle when photographed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, there we go. Have some Louis. He's just lovely.

"Olivia, sweetheart, I can't see your pretty face if you hide behind the balloon." Rae laughs, lowering her camera. The nurse in charge of the room laughs quietly in the corner of her desk.  
  
The little four year old girl, Olivia, is sat on her hospital bed, face hidden behind a purple balloon. She's probably the cutest little girl Rae has ever seen, with big, green eyes and short, curly black hair. She has a small gap between her two front teeth and two little dimples set in her round cheeks whenever she smiles.  
  
She pops her head out. "I'm shy." She whispers, then giggles into her hand. "I don't like pictures."  
  
Rae mockingly gasps in shock, smiling throughout her words. "Livy! Are you lying to me? Just the other day you tried stealing me camera. You were shy then, silly?"  
  
Olivia giggles again, shaking her head. "RoRo was with me and he said," she takes a breath from talking too fast. "He said we could, that we could take pictures then."  
  
"And why not now?" Rae questions animatedly, slinging the strap of her camera over her neck.  
  
"He's not here and I'm shy!" She pulls the balloon back over her face.  
  
Rae ponders this. She has to get pictures of Olivia; she is the last child for the set of pictures Rae has for this issue. Hummingbird Children's Hospice sends out a newsletter the last Wednesday of every month. They keep it light and cheerful, informing parents and other citizens of the hospitals work and amazing bedside manor. Since the hospital itself isn't as big or well know as others are, they have set aside a page asking for a donation of any kind.  
  
They need some help for funding. One of the playrooms is stocked with wooden mini slides that wobble and creak too much. Most of the toys are broken or missing pieces and dolls are missing eyes. One of the computers at the nurse's station had finally died out after six years. Thankfully the information had been backed up, but the nurse still had to paid for it out of pocket, mainly due to the goodness of her heart. The set aside donations are mainly to keep the playroom clean and safe for the children, and to help fund research for new medicines, new treatments.  
  
Rae all too willing offers to help with the photos for the newsletter without any pay. She just needs a few more of the little girl behind the balloon. They have to be sent in by tomorrow, Saturday, to make it by Monday's deadline, be sent out and delivered by Wednesday. If not, then the newsletter will lack any pictures, and people will more than likely just deem it rubbish and not give it a seconds glance.  
  
"Alright, love." Rae begins sweetly, bending down to eye level as Olivia peeks out one green eye. "How about I ask if Ronan can play with you today, and I can take pictures of you both. Will you still be shy then?"  
  
The bright smile on Olivia's face lights up the room. She releases the balloon, allowing it to hover in the air, weighed down at the string by a plastic weight. "No! He can play with me?"  
  
"I'll go ask right now." Rae gently bops the girls nose, then exits the room.  
***  
  
  
The second, newer playroom with the cleaner toys and books with covers that aren't ripped, is filled with laughter. Ronan was given permission to switch his playtime and be with Olivia instead. Only six children are allowed in at a time, as to not overwhelm the kids. Another boy Tony, who's seven, plays with the other two as Raelyn sits on the armchair taking pictures. She mentally fist pumps at her simple solution, excitedly capturing some great photos.  
  
Rae is reviewing the photos, smiling at the most recent one displayed on the mini screen of her camera, when she feels it. It's a small, subtle feeling, one she could pick up on when Ronan first enter the Hospice, being observed from every corner of the room, being watched by Doctor who, at the time, didn't have much of a clue. She picked up on it quickly in the past and picks up on it now; she's being watched. Pulling her eyes away from the picture of Ronan putting fake flowers in Olivia's hair, Rae snaps her head to the left.  
  
There, standing just outside the room and peering through the glass, is Louis Tomlinson. Rae is immediately captured by the colour of his eyes. Long lashes frame curious eyes  that are so, incredibly blue, playing off the colour of his shirt. He's wearing a gray beanie atop his head, pushing his hair into a fringe and showing off the sharp cut of his cheekbones. Cheekbones that any photographer would kill for just to have the opportunity to photograph someone like Louis. He'd be a perfect model, those cheekbones and eyes and how soft the rest of his face looks; photographically speaking, he is beautiful. Rae speaking, he's still beautiful.  
  
Rae turns her head back to her camera, breath caught in her throat, and mentally shakes her head of that last thought. However, a split second later, a new one pops up, a sudden idea in her brain. It wouldn't be bad right? To use Louis in a few of her photos for the newsletter, holding some of the children and laughing along with them. It could possibly help the hospital a little. Positive exposure on both ends, right?  
  
A surge of guilt arises in Raelyn's stomach, forming into a little ball and settling there. She couldn't do that. She can't just exploit him and use his fame just to gain some money and attention. Though, when Rae takes the photos for the newsletter, she never gets a anything in return. She willingly, freely, takes the photos and submits them. She doesn't want any money from it, nor any popularity or attention. Sure, she is always credited at the bottom of the page, but that was it. So, it's not like she'd doing it for personal gain.  
  
Then again, aren't Louis and his bandmates already kind of exploiting themselves? Singing to the children and spending time with them? There is an easy way to come about this. She just has to ask, and there's no harm in that, is there. She looks back over to Louis. He's leaning so close to the window, that his breath leaves little foggy clouds on the glass. His eyes catch hers, blue dancing with mirth, with one corner of his mouth quirked up.  
  
Bracing herself, Rae tilts her head, aims her camera toward him and shrugs. She's silently asking for permission, hoping he doesn't mind. He doesn't seem too; his smile evening out, lips spreading over white teeth, and crinkles collecting at the corners if his eyes. Louis nods excitedly, then blinks in surprise when Rae abruptly takes his picture, flash going off. She throws her head back in laughter, then stands up to open the door, camera hanging from her neck.  
  
"Hi. Louis, yeah?" Rae smiles kindly.  
  
"Yeah." He answers, rubbing one eye from the flash. "I'm sorry, love, what's your name again?"  
  
"Raelyn. Or Rae, whichever. Um, I've got a question to ask." She starts slowly, running her fingertips over her collarbones, a nervous habit.  
  
Louis looks a little apprehensive. Rae doesn't blame him.  
  
"This hospital sends out monthly newsletters, and I usually take photos for it. I was wondering if maybe, and you honestly don't have too if you don't want or think its rude or something, mind if I could take yours? With some of the kids, I mean. For the newsletter."  
  
Rae isn't normally a nervous person but as she stands there, with Louis' eyes that could be the equivalent to that of tropical island waters, appraise her curiously, she is. She grips her camera tighter with her free hand, hoping to steady herself as she chews her bottom lip. She isn't too nervous about who he is, what his name means, but instead nervous about his reaction. Will he take it the wrong way and think she is only trying to use him for some sort of gain? Rae thought it was a good idea, but as the seconds tick by, she's starting to second guess herself.  
  
"Sure. I'd love too." Louis smiles brightly, those crinkles appearing again.  
  
"Really?" Raelyn sighs in relief. "Okay. Yeah, great!"  
  
Louis look nothing but amused. "With your brother? He's your brother, right?" He points to Ronan, who is now listening to Tony read him and Olivia a story, his small hand holding hers.  
  
Quickly, Raelyn raises her camera, adjusting her lens and captures the moment. She smiles back at Louis, soft and fond due to her brother. "That's him, Ronan, but no. I've got enough photos of him to fill my car. I need just a few more of Olivia."  
  
"Who?" Louis steps closer to her, turning to face the room. His arm just barely brushing against Rae's. They both hear a small crack, feeling the shock from contact at the same time.  
  
"Ouch." They gasp in unison, both jumping apart a few inches.  
  
"Sorry!" Rae apologises, rubbing the spot on her elbow. "That was probably my fault. That chair in there is notorious for shocking its victims."  
  
"It must be put to trail then." Louis says seriously. "Jury and everything."  
  
"Lets hope it pleads guilty."  
  
"Thrown in jail."  
  
"Poor chair never stood a chance." Rae pauses. "Ha! That's sort of puny." She's smiling brightly while Louis give levels her with a blank stare. Then he's laughing and shaking his head. 

"Besides the criminal chair," Rae continues, "Olivia's the little curly haired girl. Ronan's holding her hand and they'll be married by next summer."  
  
"As long as I can carry the rings." Louis quips quickly.  
  
"But of course, darling." Rae waves her hand like it's obvious he had always been invited to the pretend wedding. "The one reading is Tony, he's seven and a big boy now because he can ride a bike all by himself. That red headed boy," She points to the boy sitting atop a rocking horse, "that's Philip, he's five. Then those two, Alexis and Amanda, they're twins and six, but Lexi is older by a whole three minutes. They're both little angels though. However-"  
  
Rae turns to look at Louis, who was once again leaning close to the glass. His eyes wide with the new details about the little kids.  
  
"I must warn you about, Olivia. Ronan and I are the only ones allowed to call her Livy. She allows me too because Ronan is my brother and that makes us sisters. "Louis grins at that. Rae eyes him, considering. "Louis, how good are you with kids?"  
  
"Love them." He answers quickly and excitedly, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Got four little sisters back home meself, the youngest two are twins, Daisy and Phoebe. They got these big blue eyes and crooked little smiles and I can never say no to them."  
  
"So it's safe to assume big eyes are your weakness?"  
  
"Safe as can be."  
  
"Good, good. Well, you're done for then. I was going to warn you that Livy's got huge green eyes and she likes to look up at you and pout when you're about to leave, or if she doesn't get the blue jell-o." Rae pats Louis' shoulder sympathetically.  
  
Louis sighs dramatically. "Guess I just got to add her to my list of sisters then. Couldn't resist if I tried."  
  
Their eyes meet one more time, ocean waters against pretty blue flowers.  
***  
  
  
Rae feels happy. She can't believe how easily and quickly Louis agreed to take the pictures, nor can she believe it now. Louis' able to convince Olivia to pose for some single shots, promising to sing for her again before he leaves. Rae got her pictures for the newsletter and then some. She wants to be a little selfish and keep some of the extra ones for herself, with Louis' permission that is. She even wonders if he'd liked to keep some as well. She figures yes, when he hands her his phone to take several shots of him and the kids.  
  
All six children absolutely love him. The twins wrapped themselves around each of Louis' legs while he's sitting, while Philip and Tony climbed onto his back, clinging to him like they're Kolas on a tree. He holds Olivia with one arm and Ronan with the other. That was Rae's favorite picture, and she asks him to send it to her when he gets the chance to.  
  
Raelyn finally sets aside her camera, placing it carefully in her old brown camera bag. It's a torn, thin bag, well used from its ware and is missing the buttons on the front pockets, and the zipper sticks in place when closing it. The tag with her 'return if lost' address is withering and slightly faded, but she loves it. The bag was a gift to her for her 15th birthday from her cousin, who since then had passed on and she just doesn't have the heart to throw it away. She doesn't have money for a new one anyway. When Rae finally gets the zipper to close, Ronan stumbles up to her. He's rubbing his eyes with his little fists, then attempts to climb into her lap.  
  
"Ra-Ra. M'leg hurts and I'm tired it." Ronan mumbles softly, allowing his sister to cuddle him on her lap.  
  
The atmosphere for Rae changes quickly, now concerned for her brothers health. "Okay, Ro. Want to go back and take a nap?"  
  
Ronan nods, resting his head against her shoulder. He inhales deeply, coughs, then let out a low whimper. "It hurted."  
  
"I know, love, I know. I'll get you back." She softly kisses his temple, feeling her chest clench once in pain. Pain that is never anything to complain about compared to her brother's. Standing carefully, Rae adjusts her brother comfortably and makes her way to the door. She apologises to Louis and the kids, explaining Ronan is done for the day. She thanks Louis for his time and cooperation. She doesn't miss the way Louis' eyes flash with worry or how his eyebrows knit together in a frown as she exits the room.  
  
She did however, miss the way Louis had been watching their little exchange. How he noticed the way her face fell, how her whole personality changed instantly. She missed the way Louis sneaks a picture of that moment and saved it onto his phone. She missed the way she had forgotten her camera bag, sitting on the floor next to the notorious shocking arm chair.  
  
***  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	5. Simple, but Effecctive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loouuueehhh (say that in Timmy's voice from South Park please)
> 
> Also, I do not own or claim to know these boys or if I even capture their personalities right...however, this is a story of fiction and the only non fiction thing about it is One Direction, their names, and the fact that they sing.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Three days later, Louis inconspicuously enters a small coffee shop which sits between a thrift store and a vacant store that once used to be an old book shop. He was given the location to the place from Harry, who of course found it by shopping at the thrift store. He swore they sold Yorkshire tea and prepares it in a way no one else does, so here Louis is, after borrowing Harry's car in the process. The door to the shop is almost invisible from the opposite side of the street, with only a small lit up sign advertising it's coffee.  
  
Paranoia becomes part of Louis' persona when his job is singing to sold out arenas, and he looks over his shoulder for any possible fans, before entering the shop. His nose is immediately hit with the strong aroma of roasting coffee beans, underlined with a hint baked pastries, and though he doesn't prefer coffee much, it smells delicious. Louis steps in line, adjusting the beanie atop his head out of nervous habit, and from the corner of his eye, notices a brunette sitting on one of the provided armchairs. Maybe its something like fate, running into her again, or just the pang of guilt because he still has a withering brown camera bag he kind of, somewhat stole, sitting safely on the kitchen counter in his flat.  
  
Louis stares for a few moments, having to make sure it's really her, otherwise he'd make a fool of himself for calling out the wrong person. It's a logical reason and better than just blatantly staring at her, because he thinks her eyes are the colour of mosaic sea glass. He deems himself correct, because yes, it is that Raelyn girl from the hospital. Louis takes the sight of her in; her legs are crossed on the chair, clothed in black leggings, with a long billowy white t-shirt over her torso. Her blue TOMS are pushed under the table in front of her, her feet bare beneath her knees. Her hair is pulled messily up and out of her face, where she rests her chin in the palm of her hand. She's staring off into the distance, looking but not seeing and ignoring the laptop on the table in front of her. It's then Louis decides he wants to know the reason for her stoic expression.  
  
Louis feels a tap on his shoulder. "Line's moved up." The person behind him states, rather impatiently.  
  
Louis apologises, moving up and ordering a cup of tea. When he's received his order, he turns and makes his way over to the sitting area. He stands in front of Raelyn, who has yet to acknowledge any form of life in the shop.  
  
"Looks like your trying to figure out the complicated answer to the rubix cube." Louis speaks up. His voice seems to startle Raelyn out of her thoughts, staring up at him with those eyes like she just remembered other people exist.  
  
"Easy." Rae states after she recovered. "Just take the stickers off and put the correct colors together, and viola."  
  
Louis chuckles and plops his bum down on the chair to the left of hers. He watches her tap the mouse pad of her laptop, bringing it out of sleep mode; which tells Louis she was out of it for a while.  
  
"That's cheating, innit?" Louis asks, popping the top off the steaming cup of tea. He tears open one sugar packet he grabbed on the way over, but pauses when Rae makes a small noise.  
  
"Why are you putting sugar in your tea?" She asks.  
  
Surprised, Louis looks up at her. He raises his eyebrows at her, as if she just asked him if the sky was blue. "Because I don't want to put salt in?" Louis answers confusingly, tilting his head.  
  
Rae bites back a smile. "I meant," she begins after releasing her lip, "if its a good enough cup, why the sugar?" She leans forward, inhaling deeply. "Yorkshire, yeah?"  
  
Louis nods, still confused. Abruptly, Rae sits back, blinking twice. She picks up her drink, hiding her mouth and dropping her gaze.  
  
"Sorry." She mumbles before taking a sip and scrunching her face.  
  
Maybe Louis should be a bit weirded out by that, she did just sniff his tea, but he can't look past the cute wrinkling of her nose and the offended look she's giving her cup. He assumes her drink had turned cold from sitting idly for so long; it's rather amusing.  
  
"S'fine." Louis smiles, "strange, but fine. I prefer it to be a little sweeter, sometimes. Today is that day, and some people under brew it."  
  
"You haven't even tried it yet. To each their own then." Rae mutters, then sends a teasing smile his way.  
  
Before he can return it, her eyes drop to the screen of her laptop, coffee cup still in her hand hovering in the air. He figures it's a good time as any to ask, and uses her funny little act against her.  
  
"Well," He clears his throat, "since you so kindly sniffed my tea, and I won't report you to the officials for that heinous criminal act-" Rae throws him a look, rolling her eyes. "I'll forgive your actions if you answer me one question."  
  
Rae pursues her lips, considering him. "Okay."  
  
All joking aside, Louis voices his concerns. "Are you alright? You looked a bit out of it for a while. How's Ronan? Or were you just drifting off into daydreams?"  
  
"That's three question, sir." Rae smiles, finally placing her cup back down. "I'm good though, yeah. Ronan is better. I've been there the past two days."  
  
"More photos?"  
  
"No." She answers with a shake of her head, and grabs the attention of one of the workers passing by. After asking for a new cup of hazelnut coffee, she turns back to Louis. "I was looking for something I thought I forgotten there."  
  
Louis frowns, feeling guilty again. He notices the way her fingers dance over her exposed collar bones, and how her eyes dart to the screen of her laptop. "Lost something?"  
  
"My camera bag." She says, voice a little tight. "I didn't notice it was gone until I got home that day. Honestly thought I had it with me, but I guess not. Those pictures needed to be in by midnight tonight."  
  
Major guilt. Louis did technically steal it. Why didn't he just leave it at the front desk like any good natured, human being would. "Need help finding it?"  
  
"I put an ad up." Rae turns her laptop to face him, showing the designed ad with a picture of the bag and camera. "Printed it and hung it in the hospital and the streets around here too." She points to the large bulletin board by the door.  
  
"It means a lot to you." Louis states. He's going to hell.  
  
"It's just- well, I mean it's an old bag. It's ripping and falling apart, and the camera's not too much to brag about, but yeah. My cousin gave it me." Rae's hand is now at her chest, rubbing slow circles through her shirt. "I just. I need it back. Would like it back."  
  
Louis nods. "Raelyn-" He starts to confess, but is cut off by her phone ringing.  
  
She checks the ID, then gives him an apologetic smile, and answers the call. Louis doesn't know what got into him. He took Rae's bag, bringing it home rather than turning it in. Then he proceeds to lie to her, well, withhold the truth, pretending he knows nothing about it. Then he offers to help when he damn well knows exactly where it is. What the hell is wrong with him? This is not a good way to start off a new friendship. If they're even friends, at that. Louis hardly knows her. They're still in small talk stage, but after Friday, spending that time together and laughing while she snapped pictures, he was hoping it would turn into a friendship.  
  
"Sorry, Louis." Rae's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. "I've got to run. Me mum's car died. Something about the battery?" She begins to pack away her computer, placing it carefully in its bag. "I can make the 1:30 bus if I leave now."  
  
"You took a bus here?" Louis inquires, already making up his mind and silently repaying her for stealing her camera bag.  
  
"Yeah. M'house's isn't too near here. That and my car's got no gas. I've got to go though. It was lovely running into you again."  
  
"Rae, you think I'm going to let you take the bus by yourself to aid your mother who's probably sitting on the side of the road?" Louis stands and leads the way out of the shop.  
  
"What's that suppose to- Louis!" Rae runs out after him, both leaving hot drinks on the table. "God, Louis. Warn me when you offer a ride and leave me behind."  
  
Louis laughs, amused by how quick she picked up on it. He walks through the car park, Rae following, and stops at the second row. After unlocking the car, he opens the door for Rae. Before he can hop in the drivers side, Rae abruptly remembers her coffee and makes Louis go back in to get it, mumbling about giving her a ride and fetching her coffee.  
  
"You offered!" She yells after him, a laugh evident in her voice.  
  
When Louis returns, with both his cup and Raelyn's in his hand, he tries to ignore the smile she's hiding behind her cup.  
***  
  
  
"So where's your mum?" Louis questions after he pulls out to the main road.  
  
"A12. She said about five miles north." Rae tells him, glancing at her phone. "She was on her way to Cambridge."  
  
"Cambridge? That's an hour out. What's she going there for?"  
  
"She's a secretary for a small insurance law firm, and they have a meeting there. She wishes it paid more to be calling her out of town, but she says its decent. She works surveillance at night as her second job, at a convenient store."  
  
Louis glances over at Rae once he comes to a red stoplight, and is instantly amused. She seems to have found the sleeve of CDs above the visor, pulling out the discs halfway before moving on to the next. She's already found the stacks of CD cases that are in the door pocket, now sitting in her lap. Louis chuckle and she freezes.  
  
"Sorry. Got nosy." Rae smiles sheepishly.  
  
"By all means." Louis holds his hands up, allowing her to continue. "This is Harry's car. Figured a Range Rover was less conspicuous than a Porsche."  
  
"Harry's car?" Rae meets Louis' eyes. "Figures. I wouldn't peg you as someone who listens to Between the Trees, Skinny Lister, A Fine Frenzy, Young Empires, or Strays Don't Sleep." She lists, filing through the CDs on her laps.  
  
"And why not?" Louis asks, jokingly offended, eyes back on the road as the light turns green.  
  
"An assumption. Skinny Lister is a bit folky. I quite like A Fine Frenzy and Strays. Fleetwood Mac, goodness this boy's got a massive collection. Lovely taste though."  
  
Louis laughs again, allowing her assumption to slide and opting not to tell her she'd be corrected anyway, well almost. "He likes music."  
  
"I'd hope. Be a shame if he didn't, singing in a band and all. Oh, Sandi Thom is great."  
  
It's her responses that makes a spark of interest arise in Louis. He wants to get to know her more, wants to find out why she's suddenly more open to him now then when he first met her. Wants to know the reason why she falls into silence and stares off into the distance. Why her fingers tap her collarbones and why she presses her hand into her chest. Which he has caught her doing on several occasions at the hospital. He wants to know why her mother feels the need to work two jobs. Wants to find out what other music she likes, because she seems to love Harry's taste. Wants to know the meaning behind the little tattoos etched onto her skin; the words on her right wrist, and if the camera tattooed on her outer left wrist was painful. He would like to be her friend, hasn't had time to met anyone new lately. He figures offering her a ride to aid her mother is a good start; if you over look the camera bag thing. Louis stops at another light and finds Rae bent over, rummaging beneath the seat.  
  
"Ok, gross." She straightens up and shows Louis a half rotten banana peel. "Isn't he suppose to be the clean one?" Rae smiles, mirth flashing quickly in her eyes.  
  
Louis narrows his eyes playfully. "You have to a bit of a fan if you know that fact about him." The smile on Rae's lips widens and damn, this girl is seeming more like him with every second. Spots the spark of mischief she's been hiding.  
  
"Never said I wasn't." She shrugs. "I just prefer to fan girl in silence and make famous pop stars drive me to my mum's broken down car all just to steal a rotten banana peel. Sell it on eBay."  
  
"I knew it." Louis jokes. "Please just don't hide in any rubbish bins."  
  
"I wo- oh! What's this!?" Rae is over again pulling out a folded piece of paper. "Is this a cupcake recipe? For red velvet? It looks different though. Oh, that's probably why mine never turns out how I want. I don't mix those together. And this looks like a better buttercream-"  
  
While Rae is basically talking to herself, Louis just observes her. She seems like a different person now that she's away from the gloom of Hummingbird Hospice. In a strange, almost fond way, she kind of reminds him of Zayn. How he puts up the front of being reserved and quite, maybe even a little off putting, but does an 180 when he's pulled away from cameras. Different atmospheres, different personas.  
  
Louis continues to drive and Rae continues to dig through Harry's stuff, only looking at things out in the open. Never once does she open the glove box or middle console. She ends up putting the Between the Trees CD, with permission, into the player, promising that Louis will like them. It's that, that makes her remind him of Harry; always playing him new artists that he's never listened to, and maybe he should stop comparing this girl her hardly knows to his best mates. It should be getting a little weird by now, but instead it warms him, because if she has any qualities as the four of them, they'd be friends in no time.  
  
However, after arriving to her mother, and properly meeting her and helping jump start her car, he realizes something. Rae kisses her mother goodbye, tells her to call her when she gets to back safely and gets back into Harry's car. It's when Louis drives away, with Rae in the passenger seat once again, that it hits him. Like a sudden word vomit, not even meaning to say then out loud.  
  
"I have a girlfriend." Is the brilliant sentence he blurts out. A bit surprised at himself for forgetting, and at Raelyn who not once reminded him of her.  
  
"Umm...congratulations?" Rae says completely baffled.  
  
Louis backtracks and feels his cheeks heat up. He didn't realize he said it aloud. "I mean, I just forgot."  
  
"You forgot you have a girlfriend?" Rae now sounds skeptical; like she's looking at him like he's absolutely mental.  
  
Louis keeps his eyes on the road and grips the wheel, not daring to look at her. He's starting to feel like an idiot in several way at the moment. Why was that even necessary to voice?  
  
"Y'alright, Louis?" Concern is laced within her voice.  
  
"Fine. Fine." He clears his throat. "Just thinking is all."  
  
There's a short pause, then- "Please tell me she isn't one of those girlfriends who forbids their boyfriends to have any female friends. Because honestly, that's a bit unhealthy." Rae says softly, almost sadly; reserved again.  
  
"No, no. Just thinking. Where do you live?"  
  
Rae is silent for several moments. Worryingly, Louis glances over, which pans to be a mistake. She's still looking at him, trying to decipher his previous answers. She seemed to come to a conclusion, and shakes her head.  
  
"Just to the hospital please." She tells him quietly instead, playing with an old beanie she found, one Harry had thought he lost.  
  
*  
  
Louis drops her off at Hummingbird Hospice with his phone ringing annoyingly loud. It's Liam reminding him he has to be back for the TV interview they have later that evening.  
  
"Thank you so much, Louis." Rae smiles at him after hopping out, leaving the beanie in the seat. "Tell Harry I enjoy his CD collection."  
  
Louis returns the smile. "Will do. Tell your brother I said hi. We'll probably be back next Friday."  
  
"Really? They'll love that." Rae waves goodbye, turning to disappear through the doors of the building.  
  
Louis bangs his head on the steering wheel several times, thinking, _Stupid, stupid stupid, idiot mental shit brain, stupid._ He stops, deeming a head injury wouldn't sit well with their team before an interview, nor would a big bruise on his forehead. He pulls out of the drive, leaving before he could possibly block any arriving ambulances.  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. Camera Bags Don't Just Up and Walk Away, but They Do Walk Up to Your Door

Unexpectedly, and figuratively running into Louis at the little coffee shop while supposedly daydreaming was fine. Leaning over and smelling someones tea who is just shy of being a complete stranger (who honestly sniffs tea like that, she's a proper moron) was fine. Being nosy and rummaging through his mates car while driving to jump start her mums was fine. The offer of gas money (and the refusal of reviving said money, _"Just take the damn money, you loon!" "You can't tell me what to do!"_ Followed by a very mature gesture of sticking out ones tongue) was fine, the whole ride was fine. What was not fine, not by any means, was the still missing camera.

Her camera with all those pictures from the hospital, ones of Ronan and their mum, ones of pretty flowers and rain clouds. Of old, loving couples and vintage broken bikes, all currently lost on the memory card of the camera, in her brown withering bag. It's what she gets for not uploading the oldest pictures immediately. She should've have used her film one instead.  
  
Rae has been home from the hospital for two hours now. She was in the middle of cooking herself a simple dinner of spaghetti and meatballs when she had the abrupt urge to search for her bag gone AWOL. She looked through her car three times, inspected all three bedrooms of the house, the bathrooms, the laundry room, the small back yard and finds absolutely nothing. She sighs, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. She can recall vaguely not having it with her on the drive home that day, but the nurses at their station swear they haven't seen it, nor has it been returned.  
  
"I bloody swear." Rae mumbles to herself out of sheer frustration, shoving one hand in her hair and pulling lightly. "Where could it be?"  
  
The water in the pot of spaghetti boils over, hissing angrily on the burner. Rae feels the same, wanting to just boil over because she doesn't want to deal with foamy water and noodles stuck together because she didn't stir them. All she wants is her damn pictures on that damn camera in that damn bag. And okay, she doesn't really ever damn the bag, because she can't and won't damn anything touched by her cousin.  
  
While Rae drains the noodles, still clinging together like they're spaghetti kolas, and just opts to making a small meatball sandwich instead, a round of knocks sound at the door. Rae freezes, sandwich halfway to her mouth mid air. Not many people come knocking around dinner time, ever, so caution is present when she puts down her food and quietly tiptoes towards the door. She eyes the cricket bat her mum keeps by the door, just in case, before she leans up to peek through the eye hole. She starts, shocked by the person standing on her stoop. Confused, and possibly a little creeped that he's standing there, she opens the door.  
  
"I'm sorry," Rae starts lightly, crossing her arms teasingly. "Shouldn't this be the other way around? Not you somehow knowing where I live, which quite honestly, is rather creepy."  
  
Just standing there is Louis smiling sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders. "Is it still creepy if I found your house from this?"  
  
He pulls his arm out from behind his back, clutching the one thing that gave her anxiety the past two days, in his hand. There, in all its leathery glory, is her camera bag, held tightly in Louis' hand by the strap. Rae straightens, surprised and suddenly very happy.  
  
"Where'd you find it!?" She questions, grateful as her arms fall from their crossing and reaching to take the bag carefully from Louis. She doesn't bother with formalities, just turns to quickly place the bag down on the couch several feet in, to make sure it's all there. Her camera is in tact, charger still neatly rolled up, the extra memory cards and lens in smaller pockets. She smiles to herself, hugely relived.  
  
"Uhm-" Louis clears his throat, standing awkwardly on the porch. "I've...had it? You left it in the playroom at the Hospice."  
  
Rae pauses momentarily before turning back to face him. "You've had it for two days, and you didn't call? Or rather just turn it in to the front desk? Or tell me about it this whole time?"  
  
Louis cringes a little, guilt written all over his face, yet keeps that shit eating smile on his lips. "In my defense...you left? I returned it after today. I was going to bring it by the hospital when I got the chance."  
  
Rae narrows her eyes at him, sizing him up and deciding if she should continue her half teasing anger, or just thank him. Honestly, all that matters is that the bag is once again in her arms and the pictures can still be sent out before midnight. That, and she can sleep easier at night knowing it's back where it belongs.  
  
"You are quite strange, Louis Tomlinson." She decides firmly. "Would you like some tea?"  
  
Louis breathes out a sigh of relief, smile softening into one that recognizes when someone's taking the piss out of him. "As lovely as that sounds, I can't. Must be getting back to-"  
  
"The love of your life?" Rae offers, mirth in her voice.  
  
"No, as a matter of fact. I left Harry in the car so, I must be getting back to-"  
  
"So yeah. Love of your life."  
  
Louis stops mid sentence, pointing a finger at the teasing girl. "You are," he begins slowly, amusement lacing through his words, "a cheeky little thing."  
  
"You stole my bag." Rae counters with raised eyebrows, challenging.  
  
"I did a good deed, returning it."  
  
"Thief."  
  
"I've got a band meeting and you're very well keeping me from it, you know."  
  
"So, four loves of your life then. That's not a lie." Rae leans around Louis to wave at Harry from her door. She can't tell if he sees her, due to the tinted glass, until he rolls down his window to animatedly wave back at her.  
  
"True. At least I can keep track of mine." He says, nodding towards her bag.  
  
Rae straights and gapes. "Hey! You took it remember." She points an accusing finger at him. "Besides...I was distracted." Rae trails off and just like that, without really meaning to, the joking mood vanishes and Louis' smile flips downward.  
  
"I know," He says softly, finally stepping inside a few feet. "I was only teasing."  
  
Rae nods, offering her best smile. "Really though, thank you."  
  
"Good deed."  
  
"Right, still doesn't overlook how creepy this is." She tells him. Louis sticks his tongue out, because apparently he's five. Behind him, Harry honks the horns. "Go on now. Your meeting awaits."  
  
With that, Rae shoos him off with the wave of her hand, after a moment of split awkwardness where Louis leans in. His hesitation for a hug is covered when Rae just goes for it, lasting only for a few seconds, before bidding each other good night. As Rae shuts the door, she thinks maybe she should reconsider having put her address on the little tag connected to the bag. Then again, maybe not.  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...lol at myself for that little comment I threw in there...because it's ironic that I wrote this type of story...
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> (Fun fact, when I wrote this, one of my best friends baby was born...which was in 2014. Said (miracle) baby inspires a much later chapter almost a year later.)


	7. That Feeling in Your Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Panic attack, slight unintentional self harm, and the dealings of a hospital.
> 
> Also, the idea of Rae in this chapter is inspired by The Holiday and Cameron Diaz's character, Amanda.

Time for Rae sometimes passes by quickly, when photo deadlines for the Hospice newsletter are due. With doubles shifts and covering for coworkers who decide at the last minute that their hangovers are just too much to handle. She helps her mother with paying bills and cooking dinner for when she eats alone most nights. Time seeps by slowly on the days she visits Ronan, playing hand games, singing him to sleep and watching as she sits by his bedside during his chemotherapy treatments. Another artist stops by on a Friday, a local musician who plays in pubs and coffee shops. He tries chatting up Raelyn, who honestly didn't mean to come off as uninterested and rude, but her mind was in other places; is Ronan feeling better than the night before? Did she pay the water bill on time? Did she remember to turn off the stove for the tea she made her mother before she left in the morning?  
  
However the local musician, a cute bloke with green eyes and blonde hair and those square black framed glasses, shows up on the same day that creeper Louis and his band of lost boys shows up. Rae doesn't honestly think he's creepy and she knows it isn't just his band, that they're a talented band of their own, but she still can't over him just showing up on her door step. She doesn't, can't, stick around for the awkwardness that ensues after that. A nurse informs her that her brother's been asking for her all through his breathing treatment. So she doesn't really get to chat with Louis, just a kind smile and a simple wave of a hand from him. Genuine formalities from Harry, with a greeting cheek bump, a quick hug from Niall, who apparently can crush backbones. A nod from Zayn, which she finds unnerves her because that boy intimates her in the best way possible, and a side hug from Liam. So the time passes in more ways than one, and nothing is really new for Rae and her life; except maybe for that one band that keeps showing up.  
  
*  
  
It's a slow Friday the first time Louis sees it happen; witnesses Rae in her dark moment. The boys are at the hospital again, as they have been every Monday and Friday for the pass month. Louis had a hand in convincing their management that going to sing to sick children twice a week would be good for the kids, and a good way for the boys to spend their break. Not to mention good publicity; which Louis didn't agree too, for management was the one who thought of that, despite Louis clearly showing his distaste for the matter.  
  
"Why can't we just do it out of the goodness of our hearts?" A great question voiced by Harry during that meeting.  
  
"And really, what's better than putting a smile on a child's face?" Louis had added.  
  
Especially if one of those children was the younger brother of a certain beautiful girl, with the hint of mirth dancing in her tone and a camera always on hand. The one who always smiles kindly, genuinely, as Louis sings his solos. The girl who had a coffee cup in her hand a few days later, sipping happily as her brother colored in the new book she bought him. The girl with that brown bag, that clearly means the world to her, slung over her shoulder. Louis, on several occasions, has to remind himself of his girlfriend, and not the bright, multicolored blue eyes that suddenly have been lingering on his mind every time her saw her. Granted, his relationship has been on the rocks for a good while now; they hardly talk to each other anymore, hardly see each other even when they're in the same city.  
  
Louis' walking down the corridor, having just returned from the cafeteria with a cup of tea, if he can even call that god awful liquid in the paper cup tea, when he spots her. He tilts his head, curious as to why she's just standing there. Rae's staring out the foggy window, watching the rain fall outside, droplets chasing each other on the glass. Louis takes a step forward, excited to talk to her again, when he realizes something isn't quite right.  
  
Rae isn't just simply just staring out the window. Her head is bowed, half of her dark hair falling over her shoulder, while the top half hides beneath a white beanie. Her left hand grips tightly to the window pane, fingers and knuckles white. Her right hand is attacking her chest. Louis can't put it in any other way as he watches it in action. The hand on her chest clutches desperately, fingers digging deeply into the small amount of exposed skin just above her shirt. Her chest is heaves frantically, as her breathing matches the movements. Short, sporadic, bursts of air trying to escape her lips, which are currently the victim of her teeth, cutting into dark pink.  
  
Louis places the paper cup of shit tea carefully on the floor, before making his way over to Raelyn. As he gets closer, he sees her body shaking, trembling like she just walked out from an ice box. He proceed with caution because this looks extremely close to what a panic attack looks like.  
  
"Rae?" Louis questions timidly, not knowing how to approach her. When he doesn't get a response, not even a flicker of her eyes, he places his hand gently on her shoulder. "Raelyn? What's going on?"  
  
This time, Rae startles, snapping her head towards Louis. One look from her eyes, all the brokenness, desperation and utter sadness, Louis makes a split decision. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulls her in tightly against his chest. Louis fears the worst, hoping it's anything but what he thinks is causing Rae to have a panic attack. She's trembling in his arms, gripping the front of shirt like a lifeline. Louis feels the movement of Rae's hand between their bodies, despite his tight hold.  
  
"Shhh," Louis hushes her gently. "It'll be okay. It's alright." God, he hopes everything is alright.  
  
However, Rae shakes her head frantically, pulling back from Louis' embrace. His eyes fall to the hand at her chest, her nails leaving trails of red angry lines in its wake, painting her skin in streaks.  
  
"Oh God, Rae." Louis reaches for her hand, pulling it away from her chest, stopping the assault. "Rae love, calm down. Look at me. Breathe, just breathe, deeps breaths." Louis instructs taking in deep breaths himself once those blue eyes lock on his.  
  
He places his other hand on Rae's cheek, feeling how hot her skin is despite how pale, rubbing his thumb along her cheekbone. Louis continues to mutter soothing words, until finally, her breathing begins to match his and the panicked fear in her eyes fade into ocean tides. Rae's eyelids flutter close, inhaling deeply and stepping closer to Louis, wrapping one around his torso. Automatically, Louis mimics her move, wrapping her back up in his embrace. He's still holding tight on her hand, preventing it from mauling up her chest again.  
  
They just met each other not two months ago, and here they are, encased in each others arms, one looking for an anchor, the other being just that. Rae smells like a mixture of roses and coconut, with the faint touch of antiseptic and it fills up Louis' nose. Ensnaring his senses and surrounding his head, making him slightly dizzy in a way that's not really dizzy at all. Or maybe it was just the thought of holding her, acting as her comfort, and still holding tight to the hand that keeps trying to gently pull away; like her reflex is to jump back to her chest.  
  
Louis feels the pads of her fingertips from her free hand press firmly into his back. She takes one more deep breath, inhaling Louis' own scent, before pulling away completely, imprisoned hand and all. Rae fixes her beanie, eyes cast downward, before looking back up at Louis.  
  
"Sorry you had to see that." Rae apologizes, quietly, sheepishly.  
  
Louis just shakes his head. "Don't be. Will you be alright?"  
  
"I'll be fine..." She says, pulling at the ends of her hair, twirling a strand around finger. Although she keeps steady eye contact, Louis still picks up on the lie.  
  
He skeptically searches her face, frowning. "You're lying." Louis states softly.  
  
Rae halts her twirling, and smiles. "Yeah."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Oh...Erm...I just...I-"  
  
"Oh, you don't have to tell me." Louis informs quickly, saving her from her sputtering. "I just want to make sure everything is alright."  
  
"No, no." Rae waves it off just as quick, stepping forward, reaching out to grip Louis' elbow. "It's fine. I just- thank you, by the way."  
  
Louis' eyes flickered down to where her hand rests on his skin. He smiles back at her. Rae looks around the hallway before spotting a set of armchairs resting against the wall. She tugs Louis over to the area, and sits down. Taking a deep breath, she rubs once at her chest after releasing her hold on Louis' arm.  
  
"Ronan," Rae begins with a heavy sigh, fiddling with the bracelets that decorate her wrist, "had a chemotherapy session today. Usually it leaves him a bit weak and tired. His naps are quite long afterwards. Today." She pauses, taking another breath. "Today he didn't responded well. His heart rate went crazy and it took the doctors a while to wake him up." Her hand was back to her chest, rubbing and wincing slightly, but not digging into it like before.  
  
"I kind of, um, wigged out, yeah?" She chuckles humorlessly. "It just reminds me that it could happen any minute. That maybe next time he won't-won't wa-wake up."  
  
Louis doesn't know how Rae isn't breaking down in tears. It must be so hard for her to watch her four year old brother struggle with terminal illness. He himself feels a surge of emotion for her and Ronan, but he does keep noticing her relentless hand at her chest, and her wincing every now and then.  
  
"He's fine now, though?" He asks carefully. He wants to ask her why she keeps rubbing her chest like that.  
  
Rae nods. "I can't go back in there today though. He needs his rest."  
  
They fall silent for several minutes. Louis' phone in his pocket begins to vibrate, though he ignores it completely. He doesn't know what to say to Rae, just quietly sitting next to him. He doesn't want to make her think he's pitying her, but he also isn't sure exactly how to comfort her with words or advice; he's never been in her position. So instead, he opts to just stay next to her, so she isn't alone. No one should be alone with that.  
  
"Why do you do that?" Louis suddenly asks, curiosity getting the best of him. He had been staring at Rae for a good three minutes before finally giving in to his thoughts.  
  
"Hmm?" Rae looks confused for a moment, before watching Louis's eyes drift down to her hand on her chest. She catches herself, shoving her hand underneath her thigh.  
  
"How are you not...why aren't you crying?" Louis knew his question came off as prying, rude almost, but the curiosity burns in his tone. "I mean, I probably would be." He adds softly.  
  
Rae blinks several times, titling her head. Her eyes running over Louis a few times. He knew she was evaluating him, seeing if she could and should, trust him or not. Helping her through a mild panic attack seems to be enough of an answer for her.  
  
"Aren't you the famous one? Shouldn't I be interviewing you?" She gently counters instead.  
  
Louis notices a sudden flicker of mirth in her eyes, and he relaxes a little, knowing he didn't offend her. What a relief that is, because if he did, he thinks their new friendship would be out the window and into the rain. "Sorry," He laughs, awkwardly shifting in his seat.  
  
"It's quite alright." Rae smiles, and though it's a small one, it's real. She pauses for a moment, then confesses. "I can't cry."  
  
***


	8. What's Louder; A Slammed Door, Burnt Rubber or a Denial?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mention of cancer

Louis stares disbelievingly at Raelyn, and sees nothing but genuine truth in her eyes. He blinks twice, and shakes his head to rearrange his thoughts. "You can't cry?" He asks, "like...at all?"  
  
Rae shakes her head. "Haven't for three years, actually."  
  
Louis is dumbfounded, and thinks he's developed a staring problem because he can not take his eyes of this girl. Rae is just casually studying the nail of her pinkie finger, then begins to pick off the sliver nail varnish. Louis is still trying to figure out how it's even physically possible not to cry; blocked tear ducts maybe. Rae shifts her legs, crossing one knee over the other and clears her throat.  
  
"Are you going to ask, or just stare until your eyes fall out?"  
  
"Like The Holiday?" Is Louis brilliant question. It's all he can think about.  
  
Rae gives him a confused look until realisation dawns on her face. "Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday."  
  
She suddenly pats his knee, two quick taps then stands up. Louis watches as she stretches, arms reaching above her head, her shirt riding up to expose a sliver of her back. She pivots on the ball of her foot, smiling abruptly at him.  
  
"I'm gonna go get a cookie, if you'd like to join me?" She offers, pointing over her shoulder to the exit doors.  
  
Louis is so, so intriguingly curious about her, wants to know more about her. Why she digs her nails into her chest, what's the thing that made her stop crying all together. How she can go from looking like the saddest person one minute, to the happiest soul in the next. Wants to know how it's possible for her right eye to have a golden speck laced between the blue, and tiny dots of green glittered in her left.  
  
"Sure." Louis answers, stand up himself. "I'll get one for Ronan when he wakes from his nap. If he can have it."  
  
Rae fixes him with a soft, grateful smile. "He can't, but that's really sweet of you."  
  
Louis holds his arm out for her to lead the way, and follows her out, glancing at the closed door to Ronan's room when they pass it.  
  
*****  
  
  
  
**Three 1/2 years ago** :  
  
That first week Ronan, at just the young age of fourteen months, had a fever that took several days to fight off, should have been the first sign. The growing paleness of his soft baby skin, whiter than the shades in Raelyn's black and white photos, was the second sign. The first day Ronan had fallen down was a major sign that something may be terribly wrong.  
  
Sweet, little baby Ronan had attempted to make his way towards his older sister. His bright blue eyes, wide with curiosity, had caught sight of the shiny lens of Raelyn's brand new camera. Rae aimed the camera on her brother, and when the sound of the shutter goes off under her finger, Ronan started to crawl towards her.  
  
"Look, Dad!" Raelyn exclaimes, showing off the picture she just took. "Look at the quality!"  
  
Their father, who sat on the sofa reading the newspaper, lowers the paper to view the photo. He gently takes the camera from his daughter to scroll through the few pictures she had taken already. Rae is watching Ronan as he is crawling towards her, tuning out her father's praise of the pictures, when she notices the slow pace her brother is moving. Ronan attempts to stand up like he's been doing lately, wobbling on shaky legs, when abruptly, he falls down. It isn't the normal toddler fall either. Ronan lets out a loud wailing noise, a cry of pain, before crumbling and collapsing onto his belly. Their father quickly shoves the camera back to Raelyn, before scooping up Ronan gently. He checks for any injuries, noticing a dark bruise rapidly growing beneath his son's eyes that wasn't there before.  
  
The family of four had no knowledge of what was happening to their Ronan. From fevers, to fatigue, to wobbly standing and loud cries of pain. They took him to a specialist three days later, recommended by Ronan's Pediatrician. Blood tests were taken, along with X-Rays and ultrasounds, anything to figure out why Ronan was in so much pain.  
  
Raelyn's concern for her baby brother kept her up at night, sneaking into his room only to find him wide awake, staring back at her. She sings him songs of sunshine and places over rainbows with blue birds singing, and about the second star to the right, straight on til morning. Ronan would fall asleep soundly during those nights. However, his sister would continue to stay up and wonder. In the back of her mind, buried in the depths of the dark negativity, she knew what the problem could possibly be, what it probably is. She just couldn't, and wouldn't, think of that though. Not their Ronan.  
  
It takes two weeks to get the results back, and within those two weeks, life seemed to be normal. Except for the ever looming cloud of the inevitable. Raelyn attempts to have a normal life during the two weeks and finds herself walking out of the small tea and coffee house with her best friend. Pretending that she hasn't been thinking about the test results for the past fourteen days.  
  
"I see that Johnny has heart eyes for you." Kari teases, nudging at Raelyn's elbow. She knew too, about the tests and her friend's family playing the waiting game. She has to say something to get Rae's mind off her brother.  
  
Rae takes a slow sip of the coffee in her hand, both girls walking the streets of Sheffield, the beginning of winter flirting with the weather. "Does he?" Rae responds, shrugging nonchalantly. "You said that about Stephen. Look how well that turned out."  
  
Kari smiles sheepishly. "How was I suppose to know he had a boyfriend?"  
  
Rae chuckles, pulling out her phone for what seemed like the fiftieth time. She had been waiting for news from Ronan's last doctors visit; today was the day of the results.  
  
"Anything?"  
  
"No. Mum said she'd call..." Rae mutters distractedly.  
  
They continued to walk down the street, going in and out of little shops and buying absolutely nothing because all the money they could really afford to spend was for tea and coffee. Plus those film rolls for Rae's camera, but she saves up for those. The girls just step out of another shop, an artsy store with photography nailed to the walls, when Rae's phone finally rings. Raelyn shoots a panicked glance to Kari before accepting the call.  
  
"Mum?" She asks, voice with a slight quiver to it.  
  
There is a moments silence when all she hears is her mothers own intake of breath. "Hello, lovely." Her voice sounds strained. "Are you home?"  
  
"No. I went for coffee with Kari." Rae answers slowly. "What did the doctor say? About the results."  
  
"Oh, maybe you girls could go for a nice lunch. Maybe go see a movie?"  
  
"Mum." Frowning, Raelyn begins to feel anxious. "What did the results say?"  
  
"Maybe you could have Kari spend the night and I'll cook a nice Sunday dinner."  
  
"Mother, please!" Rae calls, now distressed. Her mum only ever delays answers when there's bad news. She feels the fear rise in her heart, and the sharp prickling in her eyes.  
  
Rae hears her mother's breath hitch, almost like a sob. When she finally speaks again, her voice wavers. "Raelyn, love. The tests came back positive. It's...it's called Neuroblastoma."  
  
Rae's walking stopped abruptly. Kari notices, back tracking several steps, her eyes wide and concerned.  
  
"W-what is that...Mum?" Rae whispers.  
  
Another sob. "It's a rare form of ca-can-cancer. Ronan has to be emitted into a children's hospital as soon as possible."  
  
There's a moment when everything in the world stops and all Raelyn can hear is the pounding of her heart in her ears. "I'm coming home. I love you." She states softly, ending the call right after.  
  
Kari steps forward, reaching her hand to Rae's face. She gently swipes at the tears falling down her friends cheeks.  
  
***  
  
  
"I told you I wouldn't be able to do it, MaryAnn! We don't have the money to put him there!"  
  
"What are we suppose to do David!? Just let our only son die in our house!? I will not let that happen!"  
  
Raelyn sits on the stairs, hidden by the shadows, with her hands gripping her hair, listening to her parents argue for the umpteenth time. The past several weeks after Ronan's test results has been anything but quiet. The words her mother spoke shot straight through her heart. Tears silently falling down her cheeks, falling onto her jeans, soaking into fabric with dark spots. Ronan has cancer; her baby brother has cancer. Her parents are fighting, have been fighting ever since. Her father has been sounding stressed and distant. Both adults yelling at each over something that is so important, about a life that couldn't even speak for himself. The yelling, the screaming, the walking on eggshells, the horrid name calling, the stress. The utter heartbreaking, stomach twisting fear. It was becoming too much for both parents.  
  
Rae decided she had enough of loud voices, so she lets her hands fall from her hair, and stands up quietly, walking to her room. She grabs her camera bag, making sure the actual camera is tucked inside before making her way to Ronan's room. She sees him sitting in his crib, thumb in his mouth, clutching tightly to his little green turtle. His wide, blue eyes follows his sister's movements as she grabs his coat, gently pulling it over him. She picks him up, carefully exiting the room, and walking down the stairs to where his pram stroller is.  
  
Their parents had moved into the kitchen, still throwing raised voices at each other; Raelyn rolls her eyes. Ronan twists his head around, trying to find the source of the alarming noise. He begins to whimper softly, obviously distress by the commotion. Rae gently kisses his temple, soothing him, then straps him in the chair, quickly leaving the house, not caring if the door slams loudly behind her.  
  
"It's a beautiful day for the park, Ro." Rae happily tells her brother. "We can feed the ducks...with the bread I didn't grab, so maybe not then. We'll just take pictures of the ducks instead."  
  
Ronan looks up at her, with big innocent, unknowing eyes. His smile suddenly lit up his face.  
  
"Du!" He shouts, then breaks out in giggles.  
  
Rae smiles, but her heart clenches at the sound.  
  
  


  
A loud bang jolts Raelyn out of the picture she is editing on her laptop, from the day she took Ronan to the park one week ago. It was a good outing, up until the ducks being chased by Ronan, who had suddenly plopped onto his bum in painful whimpers. The slam is followed by shouting, and another that sounds suspiciously like sobbing. Rae jumps off the bed, pulling open her door just in time to see her father walk pass with a packed suitcase.  
  
"Please don't go!" MaryAnn begs after her husband. "I need you!"  
  
David ignores her with an angry expression etched on his face, descending the stairs. Rae looks back at her mother's broken expression before she follows after him, tears already forming brokenly in her eyes.  
  
"Dad!" She calls out angrily, catching the front door and running out.  
  
He's in the process of tossing his suitcase in the boot, then slams it closed.  
  
"Daddy please." Rae pleads, stepping closer to him. "We can't do this alone."  
  
Her father shakes his head vehemently, pulling out a packet of papers from his brief case. "Your mother is fucking delusional!" He spats. "Moving to London!? For what!? False test results!?"  
  
"They aren't false, daddy." Rae argues weakly, wiping at the tears now escaping her eyes.  
  
"You too then?" He looks over at his daughter, a snarl on his lips. Rae has never seen him so angry. "Stop fucking crying. You're acting like a child! You're almost seventeen for Christ sake! Grow up!" He then shoves the papers into her hands, making her stumble back a little. "Give these to your mother. I've already signed them." With that, he gets into his car, starting the engine.  
  
"Ronan has cancer! You leaving won't change that!" Rae yells at him, knowing he hears her, even through the closed window. She angrily kicks at his door.  
  
Her father shoots her a nasty look, one that could burn a hole through the glass. She thinks if that happened, then maybe she could punch some sense into him. David puts the car in reverse, shooting out of the driveway. He shifts gears and takes off speeding down the road without so much as a backward glance, the tires leaving skid marks.  
  
Rae stares after him, seething and willing the car to pop all four tires, until the red taillights disappear from sight. She ignores the throbbing of her foot, because kicking cars with no shoes on wasn't the brightest idea. She goes back into the house, approaching her sobbing mother on the sofa, holding an alarmed Ronan in her arms, who's confusingly patting her cheek.  
  
"Mummy?" Rae places her hand gently on her mothers shoulder.  
  
MaryAnn looks up, tears flowing freely down her red face. This is the second worst expression Rae has ever seen on her mother's face, the first being after the news about Ronan. Wordlessly, she takes the papers out of her daughters hand, trading them for Ronan. She sends them upstairs, as she grabs a pen from the writing desk and begins to sign.  
  
Rae clutches her brother to her chest, still crying over what just happened. She rocks him in the rocking chair, kissing Ronan's head softly. It was when he lifted his hand to pat at her wet cheeks, looking up with his own watery eyes, that she makes her decision. No matter how heartbroken she is, it is nothing compared to her mother's. She will be strong for her. She will be her rock to lean on. Rae will suck up her childish emotions, her tears, and force away any heartbreak just for her mother and Ronan. To be strong for them both.  
  
"We don't need him, Ronan. We'll be alright." Rae promises him firmly, hastily wipes the wet from her cheeks. "We'll be just fine."  
  
Tearless words never felt so empty.  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok...so this isn't a Fun fact at all. Like..zero fun. Neuroblastoma is a rare form of cancer, and is a solid tumor of cancer of the sympathetic nervous system. It can be in the abdomen, spine, chest, bones and neck. Symptoms vary due to the location and in this story Ronan has it in his bones and little in his chest.


	9. Louis' Breadcrumbs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: The usual Rae's hand at her chest

 

It's been a quick three months of their break, having down time and spending it by traveling home, visiting old friends and just lazily lounging around their flats in nothing but their pants. Or in some cases, just plain naked. They sleep into the afternoon just because they can and because they truly still feel like they need it. An eight month long tour has bone deep exhaustion still over them, with jet lag screwing up their internal clocks. The boys spend time apart, hanging with other people, other friends, and once in a while sneaking around as to not be spotted by fans. All they want to do is be able to buy a jug of milk without being mobbed. Though in the end, they still gravitate towards each other, piling up on one of their couches in their flats playing videos and watching movies while throwing popcorn at each others faces.  
  
It's not like Louis forgets to hop over to Manchester to visit his girlfriend, it's just that he's been busy not actually being busy and chalking it up to pure laziness. He'll catch the tube the next day, he doesn't want to fill up his gas tank, he's catching up on shows he never really watched, but figured this is a great time to start on Breaking Bad. He holds up in his room with his laptop and the show, while Harry cooks dinner and reminds Louis that he is indeed human and yes, he has to eat. So yeah, he actually does just kind of forget, save for the few phone calls because midterms are coming up and maybe he just "shouldn't be a bother and distract her"; her words, not his.  
  
However, as much as he tries to deny it and make excuses of watching American TV shows, he's really spending his free time finding ways to be at the Hospice. It's all for the children, really, it is. He spends time with them, and if he just happens to look over his shoulder to see a girl with a camera attached to her face, then so be it. He leaves his jacket there by accident the first time, after one of their music days.  
  
Rae is disappointingly absent that day, but they meet her mum, the second time for Louis, who explains her daughters lack of presence is due to a double shift at the diner she works at. If Louis spends a little extra time cheering up Ronan, pulling silly faces and pretending to get punched in the face by his toy dinosaur, just because his sister isn't there to do it for him, well then no one really has to know. Except they do. The other boys notice, when Louis has to double back two hours later, because he so desperately needs his jacket. He comes back to Niall's flat looking put out.  
  
Harry notices Louis' left his jacket again, the second time in the week. When Rae does show up on a Friday, Zayn watches as Louis deliberately places his phone on the bed side table and conveniently forgets he's put it down by the time they get home. Niall sees Louis forget his football he brought in, because they wanted to play kick around right after. Liam keeps his eyes open and catches Louis swiping off his beanie while fixing his hair and "forgetting" he had it on. It falls off his head and into Raelyn's opened camera bag. She was, at the time, snapping photos of the nurses working hard and doing their jobs. She notices it before they leave, teasing Louis relentlessly about his ulterior motives of wanting to steal her bag again; he's really a thief and this Popstar thing is a cover up. He goes back for each item he leaves.  
  
"Why don't you just leave your number with a "do you like me, check yes or no" note and stick into her forehead?" Zayn deadpans after the seventh time Louis forgets something and has to drive back.  
  
Louis is suddenly, suspiciously clueless. "I haven't got a clue what you're on about, Malik."  
  
Niall snorts into his food while Louis grabs his keys. "My arse."  
  
"Maybe he could like, steal her camera again, saying "sorry, you just capture me so completely"." Harry inputs, miming taking a picture with his hands and winking.  
  
Zayn literally slaps his palm over his face, Liam shakes his head in shame, Niall rolls his eyes and Louis. Well, Louis just flicks then all off.  
  
"I have a girlfriend, thank you very much." Is Louis' horrible defense.  
  
"Have you?" Zayn quips, rising his eyebrows. "Last I've heard of her was....I can't even remember."  
  
Louis simply tells them all to do something rather crude to themselves, as loving as possible before he leaves. He still left his watch- and okay, it isn't really his- at the nurses station that he's got to pick up before visiting hours are over. Dammit to hell if his mates are right; though his love for them always over powers his apathetic hate for them, even if they are being insufferable twats. Still, they are correct, and Louis only feels a little guilty when he picks up his phone to call said girlfriend. She doesn't answer, in fact screens his call when it goes to voicemail after two rings. Eleanor's at Uni probably studying, or sleeping or partying and chatting up other blokes, who are probably chatting her up; hence the ignored call.  
  
That thought doesn't sting as much as he thought it would and maybe it's time to take a step back and figure out when that happened. Reevaluated so to speak. It started long before he meet Raelyn though, so the other lads can bugger off. Maybe it was the distance thing; the traveling and different time zones. Maybe it was the way she came off at times as just simply using him to get free stuff. Whatever it was, he'd figure it out later because he just arrived to the hospital. There's a blue Volkswagen five spaces to his left when he parks, so he smiles to himself. All thoughts of the teasing and Eleanor temporally gone from his mind.  
  
***  
  
Louis was expecting to find Rae in Ronan's room, but the adorable, little boy is fast asleep, tucked under his blankets and snuggled against a Stitch stuffed animal. Instead, after inquiring about her whereabouts from nurse Jackie, he finds her in the viewing room of the PICU nursery wing. According to Jackie, Rae shouldn't even be in that wing, nor should Louis, but as long as Louis promised Jackie not to go into any actual rooms, he could look for her and bring her back.

Raelyn had dragged over one of the cushioned chairs, sitting and leaning against the window of the room that holds the tiniest babies Louis' ever seen. Her eyes are closed, lashes just grazing her cheekbones, long brown hair pulled up into a ponytail, the ends of it still reaching her mid back. He notices her right hand at her chest, slowly scratching at her exposed skin that her scoop neck shirt doesn't cover. Her left hand lays open, palm up on her thigh, as if she's offering something he can't see.  
  
Slowly, so he doesn't startle her, he walks down the hall until he's right next to her. He studies her for several moments, notes how calculated her breaths are, how her eyelashes flutter against her skin. He waits a minute, knowing she can at least sense that someone's joined her, before he speaks.  
  
"What are you doing?" Louis questions quietly.  
  
"Praying." Rae murmurs.  
  
He's taken aback by her answer, just because he wasn't expecting it, and turns his eyes on the babies behind the glass. Most of them are newborns, encased in incubators, with their parents reaching through the small arm holes to comfort their child. There's one mother sitting in a rocking chair, cradling her baby against her chest, muttering silently and crying. Her baby is wrapped in a soft pink blanket, squirming around every once in a while, and she is tiny. So, incredible tiny and fragile, and Louis wonders why she isn't in an incubator of her own, when it hits him. That sweet tiny, little baby probably won't make it through the night.  
  
Louis' throat suddenly dries out, tightens with emotion as his heart drops when he realises it. There's a sharp prickling at the corners of his eyes, trying to fight back his tears. He now understands the reasons for Raelyn's prayers. What he can't understand, is why has she been sitting there for what seems like a good amount of time. Louis knows she can't cry, she's claimed that herself, so why would she sit in front of something that would undoubtedly make anyone else break down in tears- _oh._ Louis gets it, his mind clicks together, and he's so stupid for not noticing it earlier. She's trying to make herself cry. Trying to force out the tears that just won't come, however, Raelyn's hand has yet to stop scaring up her skin.  
  
Louis bends slightly and gently takes her assaulting hand away from her chest. He can feel her trembling, like all the pent up emotion is vibrating behind the cement walls she's built up, imprisoned for years. Walls he is just now beginning to see.  
  
"Raelyn." Louis' voice is soft, his tone sad.  
  
Rae inhales deeply, opens her eyes only to turn multicolored blues on him and smiles. It doesn't reach her eyes. "Hi."  
  
"Hi, yourself." He smiles back, "what are you doing here?"  
  
"Told you, I'm praying for them."  
  
Louis shakes his head. "That's not all you're doing now, is it?" He gives her a knowing look.  
  
Raelyn looks stunned. Looks at Louis for what feels like a good five minutes before she blinks. "How- I...do you really know what I'm doing?"  
  
She doesn't say it in another other way than simple curiosity. She honestly wants to know how he figured out her secret. Figured out how to crack that mask she wears so well when other people can even make a stretch.  
  
"I think," He begins slowly, considering his thought. "That you are trying to force yourself to cry, so you find things that are heartbreaking, until this happens." Louis gestures to her chest, bright red and welting up from her nails.  
  
"It stings." Raelyn states quietly, her fingers twitch in his hand.  
  
"So why do you do it, Rae?"  
  
"Because how's it fair for everyone else to cry, when I'm over here, not shedding a single one? It makes me look like some heartless monster because I can't shed one bloody tear. We're in a Children's Hospice for Christ sake, and all I can do is...nothing. I just wish I could trade places with them so they wouldn't have to cry. So I at least can do something about it." Raelyn's response shines in her eyes, bright with an emotion she can't physically carry out, yet broken in a raging storm. Louis squeezes her hand once, and pulls her in for a hug.  
  
"Rae, you are doing something, and you have been for what, three years? Don't pass yourself off, love. You are incredible." He tells her in her ear, and maybe this moment is a little too heavy for a new friendship. Though to Louis, their friendship doesn't feel new at all, not with how they got on so well, bantered and teased and confessed all within two months of it.  
  
Rae shakes her head in denial, but Louis cuts her off before she can say anything. "Let's get you some tea, yeah?"  
  
They break apart, Louis dropping her hand once they're both standing. He takes three steps towards the doors, when he sees Rae hesitating. Louis takes back, grabs her hand again and tugs gently. Rae blinks twice, then follows behind Louis, walking away from the window and the tiny, fragile newborns. It's silent as they make their way down the lift towards the cafeteria. It's broken when Louis offers to buy her dinner that she's probably missed, and Raelyn speaks up. Insisting they take her car this time and promising Louis can have his chance at snooping around. He complies and enjoys himself immensely as he shuffles through her car once they're inside.  
  
Louis searches around excitedly. Finds empty film canisters scattered in varies places, but mainly in the glove compartment. Store bought and burnt CDs in the middle console, along with napkins, pens and one stain remover pen. Her car is relatively clean and smells a little like coffee beans, though there isn't a car freshmen to be seen. However, Louis perks up when he spots a simple black binder on her back seat, which turns out to be a portfolio of her photos. They're beautiful, and amazing, each one he flips through. Rae explains them when he asks.  
  
"Where'd you shoot this?" "How'd you get that angle?" "Who's this couple?" "Who's this guy, he looks like a wannabe hipster." Louis asks, and points to each new picture.  
  
"Scotland on a road trip with my friend." "I climbed a tree and hung upside down. Nearly broke my neck but it was worth it." "That's my cousin Vinny, you tit."  
  
Louis apologizes, meaning no harm to her cousin, which seems to be a sore subject with the way Rae's eyes tighten along with her hands on the steering wheel. Her jaw is clenched and she seems to be struggling with keeping a hand in the wheel instead of at her chest. So, he compliments the picture, because it is beautiful, black and white and a little faded. He'll save his questions about him for another day though.  
  
They arrive at casual pizza pallor, with Louis paying only because he distracts Raelyn by pointing out how pretty the water fountain outside is. They keep their conversation light, poking fun at each other, and unknowingly learning more about one another. Rae drops Louis back off at the hospice for his car. Before she leaves, she gives him a hug, and is about to drive off when she rolls down her window.  
  
"Oh, Louis?" Rae calls, holding something out that's dangling from her fingers. "Next time you leave a watch here that you claim you lost and is yours, even though I know you don't wear watches...just ask me to hangout. I don't bite and I think Liam would appreciate it if you didn't steal his wrist watch. Have a good night."  
  
With that, she tosses the watch to Louis, laughing while she drives away. Louis' phone rings in his pocket, but all he hears in his ears are the echoes of Raelyn's laugh.  
  
***


	10. Confessions Off the Chest...Literally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: The reality of Children Hospitals, and the emotions it comes with

Raelyn is rushing, stuffing her camera as carefully as she can into her ripped bag, and almost locking her keys in Charlie. She promised Ronan and some other children that she'd read to them during play time, but due to an absurd amount of traffic she is running late. A little frazzled, Rae speed walks into the the lobby, bypassing someone to her far right on the way in without much thought. It isn't until she's at the front check-in counter does that thought hit her. Realising who she passed, she doubles back through the automatic doors.  
  
Still in the same spot, leaning against the wall and looking like a model that just walked out of a Gucci ad, is Zayn. The late afternoon sun is hitting him just right, casting shadows to stretch from his side. There's a lit fag dangling between his elegant fingers, flicking away some ashes. Those black boots with those dark jeans and that black sleeved, white shirt with the batman man logo, looks good on him. Naturally, Rae can't help herself.  
  
Her fingers itch for her camera, falling victim to them and taking it out of her bag. Once she locks the lens, she silently raises the camera to her eye, popping off the lens cap and twisting to zoom in just a bit. She snaps three shots in a row, and waits for Zayn to bring the cigarette to his lips. He does after three more seconds, and Rae fires away with the shutter. She quickly switches her settings, and then take consecutive shots as he blows out smoke between his lips. Rae lowers her camera and slings the strap around her neck, finally making her way over to him.  
  
"Zayn?"  
  
He turns his attention on her, expression tense with tight eyes. She suddenly doesn't feel very brave coming over to him, feels a little intimidated in fact. Though she realizes that she sometimes does the same thing, according to Kari, who's seen it several times over the years. She can come off as a little off putting as well. Rae swallows down her own bit of timidness to break through Zayn's.  
  
"What are you doing out here alone?" She voices her curiosity.  
  
"Smoke brake." Zayn answers with a shrug, flicking more ashes to the ground. "Needed it."  
  
Oh, she gets it now; the undertone of emotion hidden in his voice. That look in his eyes that are a beautiful shade of amber, the look of helplessness that every person has when they step foot into the Hospice. Rae nods understandably, and leans against the wall besides him.  
  
He eyes her suspiciously for a moment, before asking "What are you doing?"  
  
"Standing with you so you aren't alone." Rae simply tells him. "Or, I could just pretend to be taking pictures of that daisy growing in the pathway. I sort of know how you're feeling right now, and as much as I am always alone, I hate it. So, it's your choice. I'm stood next to you for company, or here for that daisy."  
  
From the corner of her eyes, Rae sees Zayn looks over to said daisy, growing towards the sun between the cracks of the concrete. Like the flower is attempting to break free and defy all odds of its little self just to bloom. She hopes his thoughts are similar to hers; wonders how lonely it must be to grow all on its own, and hopefully will think that maybe a little bit of friendly company isn't so bad. Zayn studies her once more before silently returning his nearly burnt out fag to his mouth. It's quiet as he finishes, inhaling and blowing out smoke in long streams. He puts it out by the sole of his shoe, then stuffs it into the ash tray above the rubbish bin.  
  
"Thank you." He says quietly, pushing himself off the wall.  
  
"Yeah, no problem." Rae smiles at him. "It's chemotherapy day for half the kids."  
  
Zayn sighs sadly, heavily. "Tough."  
  
"I won't tell anyone if-"  
  
"S'fine. They know I need it sometimes."  
  
"Sometimes I wish I did too." Rae confesses.  
  
Zayn's eyebrows rise up. "So what's your escape then?"  
  
"Good ol' red wine. Or whiskey, depending on how bad the night is." She smiles brightly. "Oh, um...I took some pictures of you just now. Like the light was perfect and I couldn't help meself, I hope you don't mind. I don't and won't post them anywhere without your permission so-"  
  
Zayn cuts her off with a laugh. "It's quite alright with me, Rae. As long as I get to see them."  
  
"Oh yes! Defiantly!" Rae nods excitedly.  
  
"Shall we then?" Zayn motions towards the door.  
  
"Oh, shit! I'm late!" Raelyn's spins quickly, rushing into the lobby once again, a laughing Zayn trailing behind her.  
***  
  
Louis loves going around to different Children's Hospitals and singing to them, spending time with them, putting smiles on their faces. Though he doesn't lie to himself and pretend that each time it doesn't weigh on his heart. Today, today is one of those times where it becomes too much and maybe twice a week is too much time spent at a Hospice for terminally sick children. Hummingbird Hospice to be exact.  
  
Little children who are hooked up to machines that wheeze and whirl and click and beep. Little children who have clear tubes twisting up their arms, necks and noses. With bags that hold medicine, donated blood, and oxygen tanks. Little children who cry out in pain for their mummies and daddies, begging them to make it stop hurting. Confused little children who reach out to Louis and grasp tightly at his fingers because no one else comes to visit them. A little green eyed girl with dark mountains curls, shivering in her bed. Two little twins who hold each other hands and cuddle together to try and ease the pain in their chests. A little blue eyed boy, with a head always clad in a beanie, staring up at him desperately, wondering why it has to hurt so much and why his mummy doesn't come to see him as much as his sister with the matching blue eyes does. That same little boy who doesn't have the exact treatment due to insufficient funds.  
  
So Louis sits alone, by that window he first found Raelyn having her panic attack. He sits on the chair with his legs pulled up to his chest, head cradled between his knees. He's taking in shaky breaths, trying to contain his emotions and the tears stinging his eyes. It's just not fair for all these children to be stuck on a bed in a small room, limited to so much. Some pull through, some don't and Louis needs to stop thinking before the floodgates open. He swipes away the few tears that escape his eyes and tries calming himself. His chest tightens, his stomach twists and he feels gutted. Spent and tired from putting up a facade. How can anyone, any one person, handle the pain and heartbreak that's held in the Hospice. He can't even do it for a few weeks.  
  
He's not sure how long he's been sitting there, but the sun is beginning to set through the window when someone finally finds him. He continues to flick away the tears that slowly escape and breathes through his mouth so he doesn't sniffle. He can be strong, tough, brave. He can do this. Until he hears her voice.  
  
"Louis?" It's a soft voice, a beautiful gentle one, laced with utter concern. Like the sound of wind chimes dancing in a storm.  
  
Louis looks up once he thinks he's gotten control over himself. He isn't strong, not like her. He isn't brave, he isn't tough. Raelyn is. She's standing right in front of him, big eyes littered with of different shades of blue and a speck or two of gold.  
  
"Oh, Louis." Rae leans forward, wrapping her arms around his scrunched up form.  
  
Who cares if he's a twenty-two year old man crying in the arms of a girl, whose four year old brother lays in a bed trying to fight off cancer. It should be the other way around. He feels her hand run soothingly up and down his back.  
  
"How-" Louis gasps for air softly, but only after Rae pulls back to look at him. "-are you so strong?"  
  
Rae blinks, then does something he's sure she hasn't ever shown to anyone else; least not so early in a friendship. This is where her walls begin come down a little. Where she begins to peek out from that mask of hers. Rae shakes her head and carefully pulls down the front of her cross-stitched jumper. Pulls it down just far enough for him to see.  
  
"I'm anything but strong, Louis." She confesses quietly.  
  
Louis has only ever seen the very top of what she's showing him now; just a hint of it beneath shirts. Though what he saw the other day was just the tip of the iceberg. This, this is worse. The skin on Raelyn's chest below her collarbones, is red and angry, as if she placed a heating pad on the spot for much too long. There are several long jagged scratches, scraping up some skin, but shallow enough to not actually brake it; yet. It explains that strange constant rubbing she does.  
  
"I honestly try to be strong for my mum, for Ronan. But sometimes it's too much for me and I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I'm not as strong as you make me out to be, Lou." She closes her eyes, as if revealing more of her secret is too much. "I don't cry, but in place of that, my chest kind of like...constricts? I get spasms, the worse something is, the more extreme they get. It hurts. Sometimes it feels like I have to rip out the pain because it doesn't go away. How strong can I be if I want to rip out my own heart?"  
  
Louis swallows thickly, because that is a heavy question. One he can not answer. Instead, he slowly reaches his hand out and gently places it on her heated, jagged skin, below her collarbones. Rae startles slightly, but her eyes remain close. He feels her heartbeat beneath his palm, beating a little faster than a normal heartbeat should. He's a little fascinated with how his hand covers up the majority of the scratches, and wonders if the way Rae's breathing picks up beat quicker is due to his hand alone, or slight anxiety of showing this part of her to someone.

 _Intimate_ , Louis abruptly thinks. This moment is between them is so intimate because he's sure Rae has never shown her dark secret to anyone. There's a weighed tension between them, tangible in the air and he realizes how fragile this is, how vulnerable Rae is allowing herself to be. Louis isn't going to take it for granted. When he looks up, he's met with stormy blue eyes, wide, with a touch of apprehension that confirms this part of Rae, in fact, is not shared.  
  
"Promise me, Raelyn." Louis begins quietly, bringing his left hand up to her cheek. He wants her to see how sincere he is. "That whenever this happens," he presses lightly on her chest, "whenever you feel like that, that you call me. Whatever time, whatever day, whenever you need it. Okay? I'll help you the best I can."  
  
There's this look in Raelyn's eyes that Louis can't quite put his finger on, maybe admiration. Or maybe she truly believes he is a bit of a creeper this time. However she is so focused on him, listening intently and nodding. He clears his throat because whoa, it's at that level already. He shouldn't be touching her cheek, no matter how much he wants to get his sincerity across. Slowly, he slips his hand off her face, fingers grazing down to her jaw until they hit the air between them., and drops his other hand from her chest.  
  
"I mean, it's what friends do." He clarifies.  
  
A smile breaks across Rae's lips. "Yeah, okay. I promise." She releases her shirt, having held onto the collar this whole time, grabbing both of Louis' hands, squeezing lightly. "Are you alright though? This was suppose to be about you, and not my silly habit."  
  
Louis smiles brightly. "S'not silly. I'll be alright though."  
  
Rae considers his answers then says, "Okay, but that promise goes both ways, yeah? If what happened here happens again."  
  
Louis promises, then abruptly hops out of the chair, daring Rae that she can't beat him to the cafe for a cup of tea. The look on her face at his sudden antics is amusing. Once she gets over the shock, she stands slowly, then dashes away from Louis. They get caught by one of the security guards, scolding them for running the in hallways. However, Louis doesn't miss the way the guard fist bumps Rae and winks, and Louis swears the scolding was all for show.  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! :)
> 
> (I unfortunately know how it feels to be inside a hospital like that for months, and I won't sugarcoat any of that experience in this story.)


	11. Pudding Cups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if there's too much dialogue....

  
"I-" Ronan yawns widely, "wanna color."

"You can color after your nap, Bud." Rae promises him, gently plucking the red crayon from his small hands.

"But I'm not tired." He pouts unconvincingly, rubbing his fist over one eye.

Raelyn smiles gently at her brother, who despite his words, purposely falls sideways against his pillows. "Why don't you want to take your nap?" She tucks him under his blanket, pushing in the sides how he likes it. All snug and tight little a mini burrito.

Ronan turns his big eyes on his sisters. "Because you'll leave me. I don't like when you leave."

A mild spasm shoots through Rae's chest as her heart sneaks down to her stomach from his words. Too young and innocent to realize the impact they have on her. She scoots the chair closer to his bed, leaning over to gently rub soothing patterns up and down his back.

"I'll be right here when you wake, alright? I'm not going anywhere."

"Pinky pwmise?" Ronan hold up his little pinkie, eyelids drooping heavily.

"Pinky pwmise." Rae smiles fondly, hooking her bigger pinky around her brothers smaller one. She leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on his pale forehead. She softly stroke the soft bald skin of his head, realizing he gave yet another of his beanies to Olivia, his self proclaimed wife.

"Gotta getcha a new beanie, little Bud." She tells him. "Want me to sing for you?"

Ronan nods and Rae begins to sing _You Are My Sunshie_. His little smile soon fades into dreamland, his finger grip slacking on his sisters. Raelyn lounges back, pulling her knees to her chest, adjusting to a more comfortable position. Or as comfortable as one can get in a slightly cushioned chair covered by blue plastic, with wooden armrest. Both siblings had a long day; Ronan's chemotherapy at the lovely hour of 6am. Time seemed to pass by slow, like thick molasses poured out of its bottle. It's now past half the day, but the seven long hours sat in a lazy boy chair while giving treatment was tolling on the young boy. Raelyn had faithfully sat by his side for those hours, only getting up to grab some coffee or use the toilet...and maybe play messenger passing little whispered secrets from Ronan to Olivia.

She knows she shouldn't be exhausted. That she wasn't the one who had to sit still for hours on end, whereas her brother does the same thing every two weeks. She did, however, work the double shifts the night before, with little sleep only to get up at 5am. Rae exhales deeply, a long drawn out breath, feeling her muscles relaxing and eyelids falling shut as if mini weights were attached to them. She can't help but let the thick fog of sleep come over her, covering her in dark, misty grey as her own dreams take her away.  
***

Louis doesn't have to be there, they were at Hummingbird just two days ago. There was nothing scheduled, and in fact has the day off from anything work related. So instead of spending his free day with the many things he could be doing- catching up on sleep, or playing FIFA with Niall, or hell, visit his girlfriend (he's been a horrid boyfriend lately, but Manchester is too far and too much traffic and too many people on the tube and he honestly doesn't want to be spotted. Besides, Eleanor told him he shouldn't waste his time driving there just to see her for a few hours because she has work and classes.) Louis find himself stepping off the lift into the Children's ward yet again. He feels like the days in a week are just too long and every single kid in the wing is too loving and adorable to stay away for long. It's much too long of a wait to see that one adorable little blue eyed boy and his sister with the camera attached to her face and the multicolored blue eyes.

The nurses at the reception desk are delightedly surprised at Louis' presence after they buzz him in. They smile politely at him, explaining that some of the children had their chemo sessions and would probably be sleeping. Louis' smile falters for a moment when he thanks them. He makes his way around the long hall, popping his head in the rooms with the open doors and avoiding the ones that are closed. He visits the twin girls, Alexis and Amanda, commenting on how pretty their beaded necklaces are, accepting both pieces of handmade jewelry as the girls so joyously handed to him. Louis then sat with Tony, the boy who was only a year older than Ronan, teaming up with him to play a game of Pokemon on his game boy. Finally, after spending time with Olivia, the little four year old who could have been Harry's sister, with the wide green eyes and dark curly hair that was beginning to grow out again, he comes to his last stop.

The door is shut, Louis frowning in concern. Do they not want to be disturbed? Is Ronan in the middle of a session and is Louis allowed to just interrupt? Deciding against his doubts, he lightly taps on the door. He doesn't just want to leave and wait an extra few days for Monday to come. Not with the way he had last seen Raelyn; with his own little version of a break down.

No answer. Louis chews his lip for a moment, before carefully and quietly opening the door. He peeks inside, a soft smile gracing his lips. Both siblings are sound asleep, with Ronan tucked beneath the sheets, little fist nestled under his chin and resting on his pillow. He has to be the cutest little four year old he's ever met. It's when Louis sees how Rae's sleeping that makes him enter the room, closing the door behind him.

The position she is in can not be comfortable in the slightest. Raelyn's curled up in the chair, feet pressing against the bottom of the arm rest, knees knocked against the opposite rest. One arm shoved between her thighs and stomach, while the other is wrapped loosely around her shins. Her head probably lulled to the side in her slumber, resting awkwardly on her shoulder, neck straining to reach. She is going have a wicked crick in her neck if she doesn't move soon.

There's this moment Louis has, just hesitating for a second before giving in to his urge to help. He quietly walks towards her, gently brushing back the strands of silky brown hair, the tips of his fingers gliding delicately over her skin. She feels a little cold, seeming as the hospital always tended to be that way. Though her skin is soft and smooth, like that of a rose pedal; delicate and beautiful. So, so beautiful, and whoa.

He takes a step back, not realizing he had slipped his hand deeper into her hair, strands filling the spaces between his fingers. He shakes his head, collects himself and set to what he was originally going to do. He gently repositions her head more comfortably then shrugs off his jean jacket, placing it over the majority of Rae's body. She sighs deeply in her sleep, her lips twitching and parting. She mumbles softly and incoherent to Louis, before falling silent once more.

Louis smiles down at her, this being the first time he has ever seen her looking so peaceful. Its rather sad if she can only find that peace in her sleep and find nothing but chaotic stress in real life. He's about to leave them, turning when he catches a flash of blue. Louis turns back to see big, innocent eyes staring at him. It's incredible, the color of the siblings eyes. Both so blue and bright, like the color of the skies, pretty morning glories, and tropical island waters. Though Ronan lacks the spots of gold and specks of green that his sister's hold, his eyes still cut through Louis, like the sharp edges of stars. Maybe it's because of the innocence there, or the knowledge of how sick he really is. Or just the fact that Louis was just caught tracing the face of the boys older sister, with his fingers stroking through her hair like silky ribbons. So instead of exiting the room, Louis beams brightly at the boy. He opens his mouth to greet him, when Ronan places his finger on his mouth, pointing at Raelyn.

"Shhh! Ra-Ra is sleeping." He whispers in what he probably thinks is quiet a volume.

Louis nods, pressing his own index finger to his lips and follows Ronan's order as he pats his bed. Louis sits down at his feet, leaning forward. "Did you have a nice nap?" He asks cheerfully.

Ronan nods again, big up down movements. "I get sleepy after my chema-chema-" He huffs in frustration- "after my medicine, chema-mareaphy. But Ra-Ra gets sleepy because she says 'there's not enough coffee in this bloody place'."

Louis chuckles and thinks maybe a four year old shouldn't say 'bloody' just yet. "Is that so?"

"Yes. You are Louis, right?"

"I am."

"Can I color now, Louis? Ra said I could after I wakeded up. I'm wakeded up now."

Yeah, cutest most adorable kid ever. Louis glances over at the bedside tray where the coloring book and a box of crayons lay, with several colorful crayons scattered about.

"Well, if you're wakeded up now, I don't see why not." He says quietly, pulling the tray closer to Ronan, who immediately grabs the red crayon and begins where he left off.

For the next 20 minutes or so, Louis sits on that bed, chatting quietly and animatedly with Ronan, coloring the pages the small child shares with him. While Louis is in the middle of telling Ronan a funny story of when his twin sisters had braided his hair and put glitter in it that had Ronan giggling, he hears a small sound; the clearing of a throat.

The sound has Louis looking over his arm, watching Rae stir in her seat. There's a frown set lightly on her brows, a pout on her dark pink lips like she is fighting the pulls of awareness. Her eyes flutter opened, a little dazed and confused, before she seemed to remember where she is. She instantly spots Louis, tilting her head in confusion. The movement makes her to flinch, grimacing in pain, bringing her hand up to massage what Louis suspected is a knot at the base of her neck.

Louis shoots her a look of sympathy, then points to the wide variety of colored pages. Comprehension dawns on Rae's face, her mouth falling open into a tiny O shape.   
She seems to like the current situation, and settles deeper in her seat, this time stretching her legs out so her heels of her socked feet rest on Ronan's bed. Louis watches her adjust his jacket, sliding her arms through the sleeves backwards and gives him a grateful smile. It's this move that catches her brothers attention.

"Look Ra-Ra!" Ronan exclaims brightly, holding up two pages. "I colored The Hulk and Louis colored Iron Man. I already colored Iron Man, so Louis could have him today." He leans over the railing of his bed, displaying his picture. "Louis says I'm the bestest colorer. Do I color good?"

The absolute adoration and love in Raelyn's eyes has warmth seeping into Louis' heart. The smile she directs at her brother is close to the brightness of the sun.

"Bestest colorer I've ever seen." She promises him softly. "Could I put that on my wall at home?"

Ronan seems to contemplate the question, looking between his sister and Louis. Genuinely looking as if this question causes him internal struggle. "I wants Louis to have it." He confesses almost guiltily.

Rae laughs. "That's alright then."

"But! You can have-" He shifts through the papers, deciding on one and handing it to his sister. "Spidyman!"

"I do love me some Spiderman. With those cool webs and wall climbing!"

Louis just smiles at the siblings; Rae accepting the page and placing it in her bag, and Ronan beaming as he goes back to coloring. Rae finally locks eyes with Louis for more than just moment, and it's then he see how exhausted she looks. Her face is a bit pale, causing the circles under her eyes to look visibly concerning. When she blinks, it takes her a few seconds to reopen her eyes, smiling almost shyly and lethargically at Louis, like she's ashamed for being sleepy in his presence. She takes a deep breath, then let out a long sigh, running a hand through her hair just like he had done earlier.

Louis returns her smile, hoping he could at least be a bright point to their day. He goes back to his coloring a moment later, deciding that aquamarine would look best for the ocean on his page. He hears a click and shutter. A sound he is all too familiar with, usually associating it with something horrible; like the sound of hundreds of paps in his face. Except this isn't on the streets, or an award show on a red carpet. What he hears now is somehow softer, nonthreatening, and the person behind the camera is far from some sleazy, rude middle-aged man flashing lights in his face.

"Sorry." Rae apologises, noticing the tightness around Louis' eyes. "I should learn to ask before I take photos. Bad habit."

"No, it's quite alright really." Louis assures her. He sets down his crayon, a sudden question popping into his head. "How long have you been here?"

"Um, about-" Rae yawns, covering her mouth with her hand, shakes her head, then glances at the clock on the wall. "Ten hours."

Louis' eyes widen. "Ten hours? Jesus..."

Raelyn just simply shrugs, grimacing again and carefully placing her camera back into her bag. "Not a big deal." She says dismissively.

"Have you eaten anything?"

Rae shakes her head no.

"Right then." Louis claps his hands on his thighs and stands. "Ronan, little man, do you mind if I were to take your lovely sister out for lunch? I promise I'll bring her back."

Ronan cocks his head to the side, looking between him and Raelyn. "On a date? Mummy says when a someone likes someone else they take them to eat food." He pauses, a sad look coming over his cute features. "Are food dates fun?"

Louis hears Rae's breath hitch softly, more than likely focusing on his last question rather than his correct idea of a date. Thinking on his feet, Louis comes up with a quick response. "It can be." Louis answers honestly. "But most of the time the people who give you food take forrr-evver, and there are people queuing up just to try to eat and they wait and wait. Some times, the food isn't that good. Not like here. I'd much rather stay here and eat the food they give you. You get pudding cups, yeah?"

"Yeah!" Ronan laughs as Louis pokes his nose. "I like the chocolate ones!"

"Me too! But they don't serve pudding cups out to eat."

Ronan nods in understanding, as much as a four tear can. "That's boring. I don't want to go on a date without pudding cups."

"Me neither! Those chocolate pudding cups are the best, aren't they?"

Ronan beams at Louis, then suddenly crosses his little arms, pouting at his sister. "Will he bring you back, Ra-Ra?"

"He promised you, didn't he?" Raelyn asks lightly, amused by their little idea of a date.

"I never break my promises." Louis tells him seriously, with wide earnest eyes, a hand placed over his heart.

Ronan's eyes narrow as much as a child could manage. He holds out his pinky. "Pinky Pwmise?"

Louis hooks his finger with Ronan's. "Absolutely. Pinky promise." Louis seals the promise an extra time by taking off his beanie and placing it atop Ronan's head.   
***

 

They're sat in relatively small casual restaurant, with their drinks set on the table and food ordered. Rae sits patiently, rubbing the right side of her neck, as Louis stands a few feet away from the table, graciously taking pictures with a little girl and her older sister who had spotted him the second he walked in. They didn't take notice of the two fans until that moment when they worked up the courage to go up to him. Louis had shot an apprehensive look at Rae, but she just smiled kindly in return and shooed him off with the wave of her hands. He was grateful for that.

He had gotten used to Eleanor trying to put on a happy face, and failing miserably, when fans came up to him. They were never rude, but the pinched look on her face meant she didn't find it cute or amusing anymore. And while Louis never turned down any of his fans, he still wasn't happy about having to hear her complain for the next hour. Most fans approached him before or after their meal.

However, Rae seems to be so laid back by the incident, sipping away at her iced tea and smiling like she had no care in the world. It's nice to look back and not see judgmental eyes and a scrunched mouth. Louis likes it. Raelyn is refreshing to him and he should probably stop comparing her to his actual girlfriend, because he loves Eleanor ...right? Even though she wasn't as accepting of his fans anymore. He could understand that, but even Liam's ex-girlfriend didn't seem to have the same problem as Eleanor does.

The older of the two fans question Rae's presence, inquiring if she was a new artist or a relative. Louis tells the girl that Raelyn is a good friend of his, and they were both just catching up. The older fan, Nicole, seemingly accepts his answer, and waves tentatively at Rae, like she's gauging her reaction. Rae smiles back, waving at the girls and complimenting Nicole's boots and the younger sister, Jasmine's dress. She wishes them both a good day as they left, smiling after them.

"How's your neck?" Louis asks, worry laced in his lace when Rae begins to massage her neck again.

"It'll be fine, just sore." She smiles kindly. "That was really kind of you, by the way." She's stirring her straw around her cup, eyes on her drink.

"The fans? They come up to us all the time. We owe them everything." Louis shrugs nonchalantly, a small smile playing on his lips as well.

Rae nods. "That's sweet. That's not what I meant though." She stops stirring.

"What then?" Louis' eyebrows pull together in confusion.

"With Ronan. You didn't have to tell him that." She looks up at him. "You make it sound like it's horrible to go out, and being where he is, living in a hospital, is better. You made him believe that a date is boring so he wouldn't ever want to go on one."

"They can be quite boring." Louis states simply.

"Oh, trust me I know." Rae catches the interest in his eyes, and she elaborates. "I went on this date a few months ago, set up by my friends boyfriend. It was like playing 20 questions, with forced conversation. Then he just went on about himself and explained to me why people shouldn't order lemons in their drinks and that somehow turned into ratios or whatever and...yeah. The point is though, you didn't have to. You're so nice to him. Some people just brush these children off. They ignore them because they're all sick and can't possibly have fun in a hospital. You made it seem like a pudding cup was the best thing in the world."

"But they are! Best dessert ever!" Louis insists excitedly, hoping that Rae could catch his slight sarcasm.

She rolls her eyes in a fond sort of way. "Of course they are." She looks up at the waiter who sets their food down at that moment.

Louis proceeds to ask him if they happen to have chocolate pudding cups for dessert, and if the dark chocolate was better than the white chocolate and if it was okay to eat it with a fork. He's given a skeptical look, the waiter debating on whether Louis was joking or just plain crazy. This prompts a small snort of laughter from Rae, who quickly ducks her head and hides her quiet laughter behind her hand. Louis is pleasantly surprise at that sound, giving in to his own laughter as the waiter walks away mumbling about not being paid enough to deal with his job. Louis finds himself wanting to hear the strange snort of laughter again, wondering if Rae had produced the sound because she was trying to hold back her outburst.

"Sorry." She apologizes several moments later. "That was quite embarrassing."

"What? Laughing like a pig?" Louis teases, realizing a little too late that his words could be taken the wrong way.

Rae pauses, mockingly affronted, but can't hold her face as she brakes out into another sheepish smile. She hides her face again, her hand placed right over her nose. She peeks one eye out between her fingers. Louis' stomach gives a unexpected surge.

"I thought it was funny!" Rae defends, bringing down her hand. "I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. It's lovely to know it comes out sounding like a farm animal."

"A cute, adorable farm animal." Louis corrects like a scholar. "Like Wilbur."

"From Charlotte's Web? Isn't he a boy?" Rae chuckles again. "He was cute wasn't he?"

Louis was hoping she would ignore his slip up comment, but of course, she didn't. However, she just keeps smiling at him, eyes lighting up like the twinkle of fairy lights, with one tiny crinkle at the corners. If she's capable of smiling like that, bright and alive, Louis wants to make her continue to do so, especially if it's directed at him, like it is now. He matches her smile, lips spreading widely and eyes narrowed into mirthful slits.

Rae finally drops their gaze as she prods her food with her fork. "Pudding cups..." She mutters under her breath, a laugh still in her soft voice.

It was so simple. Just a simple little comment, teasingly spoken that had her laughing like that. Louis' stomach give another strange twist, and his smile falters, unnoticed by the girl sitting across from him. He recognizes that feeling. The feeling of suddenly becoming light, weightless, like floating away on the wings of a thousand butterflies. Butterflies. He has butterflies in his stomach, caused by the laughter of Raelyn. Along with her smile, her eyes, her hidden personality and joking manner and- shit. He shakes his shake to clear his thoughts, quickly taking a bite out of his burger.

After they pay for their meal- Raelyn insisting on paying, and beating Louis to the check book- he returns her to Ronan, just as he promised. He tells Ronan to keep the beanie, "Looks much better on you!"

As he's driving back to his flat he shares with Harry, he knows one thing for certain. Louis is in trouble; and it comes in the form of a blue eyed, brunette who liked taking pictures, has an unusual trait of not crying, with a little brother sick with cancer. He's completely screwed.  
*

 

The next day when Raelyn shows up at the hospice, the front desk nurse, Jackie, tells her that the brown paper bag on the counter top is left to her anonymously. Confused, no one has ever left anything like that for her here, she peeks inside. Rae bites her lip, doing her best to control the smile spreading across her lips. By the time she pulls out the six pack of pudding cups, she's smiling so wide, so bright, that Jackie feels the need to inform Rae she has wear sunglasses due to the sun shinning out from Raelyn's mouth.

***


	12. Rae's Unusual Urge for Photoshoots

Its one of those sunny days, where the weather in London is actually nice, somewhere between the sun warming bodies and then beginnings of fall just nipping at your skin. The sun had decided to stop being shy and come out to play and enlighten the city with its presence. Maybe, it's because of the sun, that causes an idea to pop up in Raelyn's mind, as most of her thoughts mimic a jack-in-the-box.

Another Friday comes around the corner, meaning the usual post Hospice visit lunch is in full. Has been for the pass month when Niall decided that the lunch Raelyn was eating in the cafeteria was a crime against good food, and declaring her tea to be an absolute sin, due to the six sugar packets next to the cup (she never puts sugar in her tea according to Louis and does Niall hear that all the damn time because she is all Louis talks about lately) and quite literally drags her out of the Hospice and into their waiting car.

Despite the apprehensive looks their one bodyguard gave her the whole time, until Rae kindly defended herself - "He's quite forceful when he wants to be, nearly pull me arm out of me socket, so forgive me for unintentionally an unwillingly intruding on this lovely food outing. I'll be sure to tip my waitress though"-- which sparked a rather loud laugh from Louis himself and a prideful smirk on Niall's lips. Now, apparently, it was her turn to choose the location.  
  
"That's just how it is, Rae. Like spin the place where going to eat bottle...or a ketchup bottle. Heh." Harry explained, earning a loving pat on his shoulder from Rae herself.  
  
So Rae chooses a secluded little hole in the wall burger place. It's fairly new and she only heard about it through her co-worker, Max, the week prior, who mentioned it when he tried to ask out Kari when she came to visit again. The place smells amazing, the scent of grilling meats and fried chips wafting up their noses, mouths watering from anticipation. Set in the back is a small patio, complete with rustic tables and chairs, with an open wooden overhang that cast shadows across the area. It's between the shadows when Rae thinks of it; The metal of Niall's braces catch the shine of the sun, as he cackles loudly, briefly flashing as the gleam blinds her eyes for moment.

When the popping white lights had faded, Rae's eyes refocus on the blonde Irishman. The light reflects the blue of his eyes, twinkling with joy and shining like an oceans reflection on the surface. Niall has his head turned, for Louis had told a joke, in such a way, that Rae's fingers are twitching to get her camera. His profile is perfect and the way the sunlight hits his eyes is too good for any aspiring photographer to pass up; she wants to play with lightening for her next self declared project. Quietly, keeping her eyes trained on the boy willing he doesn't move, she fishes out her camera. She takes all the proctective caps off, and locks her lens. Holding it up to her eye, she focuses the lens quickly, finds the shot she wants and presses her index finger down on the shutter. They all hear the unmistakable sound of the camera, confusion, and slight panic from Paul who decided to come, setting in.  
  
"It's just me. Don't move Niall." Rae speaks calmly so not to startle him, as he's about to shift over. "Freeze just like that. Don't drop your smile either, you're fine." She takes several others photos, angling her body and camera for different shots, smiling to herself. Satisfied, she finally sets her camera down on the table, looking up and noticing the curious looks on the faces around her; an amused expression on Louis'.  
  
"Oh." She mutters sheepishly. "I'm sorry. I should have asked."  
  
"Can I move now?" Niall questions, eyeing her from the corner of his eyes.  
  
"Yes! Sorry. I just- the light was just perfect and I- like I couldn't pass up-your eyes were doing this thing and...yeah. Sorry."  
  
Niall laughs heartily, shrugging his shoulders. "It's fine. I can't help my good looks."  
  
Zayn leans over in his seat next to her, peering at the image of his friend set on the small screen of the camera. "Wow." He breathes "that's really good Rae. I thought you used film though?"  
  
"I do most of the time when in not lazy about it. This one uses both a memory card and film rolls." She explains. "I use the memory card for the Hospice Newsletter though.  
  
"May I?" He asks, holding out his hands.  
  
"Oh, um, sure." Rae carefully give her camera over to Zayn, watching as he studies the pictures more closely.  
  
He proceeds to show Liam, who in turned passes it to Harry, who hands it off to Louis. Rae doesn't ignore the way his eyes brighten, or how the corners of his mouth turn up into an interesting smile. Interesting because once he hands the device to Niall, Louis' eyes met hers and the only two words she has to describe it is amused intrigued. She's not sure if that's good or bad ever coming from him.  
  
"Those are amazing." Harry compliments kindly. He smiles at Rae, before stealing the camera back from Niall, pressing a few buttons and turning the lens on himself.  
  
"Bit quirky." Louis comments across the table while Harry takes several goofy self shots. "Taking creepy shots like that of a popstar."  
  
Rae opens her mouth to defend herself before she catches the gleam of mirth in Louis' eyes. "I have yet to show up at your house randomly in the evening. Besides, it's only creepy if they've got a face like yours, darling." She retorts playfully. "Wouldn't want to scare the kids now, would we?"  
  
Harry barks out a laugh, jolting his body, causing his finger to press the button again. Zayn nods in approval, blissfully shocked at how quickly Rae banters towards Louis. Niall throws his head back in laughter, patting Louis' cheek and Liam just snickers behind his hand, patting Louis consolingly on his back.  
  
"Is that so?" Louis quirks his eyebrows, leaning forward on the table.  
  
Rae hides her smile by rubbing her lips together, nodding.  
  
"Creepy is as creepy does, babe." He recites.  
  
Rae copies his movements, ignoring the small sounds of her camera snapping away. Instead of saying anything, she slowly lifts her forearms, resting on her elbows on the table. Her hands form to hold an imaginary camera, pressing her finger down on the invisible button and making a light clicking sound with her tongue. Her smile is all teeth at Louis' slight confusion.  
  
"Mental picture on an imaginary camera. Probably the only ones I can take. Wouldn't want to risk my real one." Then winks playfully at him.  
  
The insult dawns on Louis. "Oh, ok." He smiles back, "I see how it is."  
  
Before he can get another word out, Rae quickly snatches her camera back, still held loosely in Harry's hands, and snaps a picture of Louis' face before he can even blink. "Only joking, Lou." She beams brightly at him. "I could never be that cruel."  
  
"I know." Louis answers softly, raising his hand for a moment before dropping it. "Truce for now?"  
  
"Truce."  
***

  
That day at lunch Louis had wanted reach out and tuck the stray strand of hair that had fallen from Rae's braid behind her five ring pierced ear. He had gotten as far as raising his hand, only to remember that they aren't alone and four other pairs of eyes were watching them closely. It's becoming a dangerous habit. So who cares if a week later Louis calls her up because according to him the boys all want to be in one of her photo shoots, even offering to pay her himself if she agreed. ("Yeah! Pay as in a date!" Niall shouts from behind him. He punches Naill in the arm and hopes Rae didn't hear it.)  
  
"I can't take your money." She tried protesting. Louis had scoffed, and insisted.  
  
So here they are now, in the back garden of a long out of business coffee and tea shop, Rae nervously fidgeting with her camera. Two different lens set carefully on an old table, while Harry and Louis pick up the small objects that had fallen out of the hole of her ripped bag.  
  
"Honestly Rae, don't you think it's time for a new one?" Louis huffs, scanning the overgrown grass for anything he may have missed.  
  
"No." She answers shortly, maybe even a little hostile.   
  
Harry looks up, concern laced in with the green of his eyes, and nudges for Louis to ignore it.  
  
Rae sighs, "I meant, no thank you. It means a lot of me."  
  
Louis nods quietly and goes back to searching the grass.  She's nervous and it's almost like a security blanket in a weird way. He should've known better than to say anything against the bag, still not quite sure why she's so attached to it despite it literally falling apart. His fingers bump over something small and sliver, glistening in the sun. It turns out to be a cross, chained on a sliver necklace; elegantly detailed and delicate between his fingers. He rotates it, inspecting closer. He's about to ask Rae when she speaks up.  
  
"You honestly don't mind?" Rae is asking Zayn as he leans against the brick, ivy covered walls.  
  
"For the hundredth time, Raelyn, it's fine." Zayn reassures, flashing her a dazzling smile.  
  
Raes blinks. Noticing Zayn's eyes in the light, making his eyes come alive, Like shiny deep copper. Louis chuckles while Rae quickly snaps several pictures before Zayn can even shift and loose the perfect light on his face. She seems to have a thing for eyes, and that's what Rae focuses on for this shoot. Louis watches her settle in her own little work zone, instructing Zayn to either look towards the sky or hide in the shadows the corner of the walls make. She soon switches him out for her next photo victim, doing the same for Liam, Niall and Harry.  
  
Louis just sits back on one of the rusting chairs and watches her curiously, the necklace tangled around his fingers. Rae looks like a different person when she's photographing. He can see the passion in her eyes, the carefully thought out poses contemplating on her face, how her gentle fingers angle Harry's chin down some, and turn Liam's head just a little to the left. He wonders why she isn't in Uni taking photography classes and photograph things that could be much more fun for her. Shooting elegant photos like the one he saw of her cousin, or the abstract ones of just run down buildings; of people with their love showing and their surrounding blurred out. Of the color splashes she always seems to do with Ronan's eyes, and the shades of gray she always captures in the leftover photos that don't make it into the Hummingbird's newsletters.  
  
When Rae turns to grab his hand and pull him up, his heart kind of stutters in his chest, for her eyes have never been brighter than this moment. Her moment doing what she clearly loves doing. She smiles, tells him it's his turn and to stop with that weird pout on his face because this isn't a Burberry shoot. Before she has a chance to go back to her camera, he squeezes her hand, jolting her back a little.  
  
"I found this," He holds up the necklace. "Didn't know if it fell out or-"  
  
"Oh my," Rae cuts him off breathlessly. She carefully untangles the chain around his fingers, their skin brushing against each other's. "I've would've lost it. Thank you."  
  
Her grateful smile fills his heart with warmth as he watches her put it back, and when did he turn into such a sap. Dear lord, he just became friends with this girl who he only just met a few months ago and he can already feel those stupid caterpillars that have been asleep in his stomach (despite being with his girlfriend for almost two years) squirm awake, ready to transform into butterflies and yeah, he is such a sap.  
  
"Least you didn't steal it like my bag." Rae teases.  
  
And the sappy warming, butterfly transforming thoughts are gone, replaced by flirty banter between shots and relentless teasing if who is actually more creepy. All the while the other boys just observe with knowing smiles and who cares if Louis flips the bird to them when they're all driving back for an interview that afternoon while they tease him about his flirty heart eyes.  
  
He hates them all.

 

***


	13. 13. Silence is to Lonely, as Lonely is to Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda of an explanation of Raelyn.  
> Warnings: mild panic attack and mild somewhat unintentional self harm. (due to the fact that when Rae scratches her chest, most of the time she doesn't realize she's doing it.)
> 
> This is probably the shortest chapter I've ever written.

No, no, nope, no. Rae forces her thoughts and the events of the day out of her mind, trying to focus on the road because yes, there are other car that are driving along side her and people walking about on the sidewalks. So she does has to be careful and not cross over lines without signaling and pay attention to people who are walking when it's their turn to walk the crosswalk. All she wants to do to get home, crawl into her mother's arms and just hug her tightly, yearning for that warm confront and her mothers cup of tea that is always better than anything bought from a store.

She grips the steering wheel tightly, fighting against her right hands reflexes to press at her chest, which is shooting painful spams. She slows to a red light- thank god!- taking in shaky breaths, pushing back her hair with a trembling hand. Her right hand shoved under her thigh because she can't just attack her chest; not in the car where other people can easily peer through her clear window.  
  
Instead, she reaches for her phone searching for her mum's number, keeping an eye on the light. After several rings, the call goes to voice mail, so she pulls up Kari's contact, only to be sent to another voice message box. There, about seven spots down from Kari's name is Louis'. He did say she could call him; call him when she's about to maul her chest, about to panic and when the pain in her chest just gets to be too much. Though despite it being Friday, he wasn't at the Hospice, none of them were. So he was probably busy being a global Popstar, like he actually is even though it always seems to slip Rae's mind, doing Popstar things, meeting other Popstars.

Probably sitting front row center at a fashion show with his non-Popstar girlfriend who still somehow has her own enormous fan following, despite her doing absolutely nothing besides go to Uni and drink expensive coffees, yet still gets all these free clothes and stuff from said fashion shows. Rae really needs to stop thinking because she's suddenly angry about it. Which is petty and stupid because she doesn't know said non-Popstar. So she shouldn't be feeling any spark of jealously- and just where the hell did that come from- or bitterness. So right, Louis is busy.  
  
However, her thumb hovers over his name about to call when a horn behind her beeps abruptly; loud and sharp. Startled, Rae drops her phone, cluttering down between her seat and door. She drives away, flipping the bird to the person behind her who decided his payback for her waiting the .006 seconds after the light turned green cuts her off. It's not like she needs rude people at the moment, it's making her more angry. Angry because people are annoying and have no patience. Angry because people can sip at their Starbucks every damn day and not work double shifts just to treat themselves to a nice calorie induced drink.

Angry because she could have sworn she saw what looked like Paparazzi hovering around the Hospice entrance (and it had to be a Pap, because that camera was much too professional for anyone hanging about Hummingbird). Angry because the nurses and doctors should know how to fix and cure people, not let them die after their chemotherapy. Angry because the ten year old's brother was the only family member to show up. Angry because she has no answers for Ronan when he asked why another friend of his didn't wake up from his nap.  
  
Rae finally pulls up to her house, quickly shutting off the car and finally pressing her hand into her chest, fingers digging into her skin. Breath becoming shorter with each inhale, chest heaving and it's suddenly much too hot in her car. Rae squeezes her eyes shut, clenching her fingers harder into her skin, trying to focus on the sharp sting of her nails instead. Her attack only last a few minutes, even though to her it felt longer, so she slowly drops her hand from her chest, leans over to fish out her phone, and quickly exiting the suffocating car. She takes a few deep breaths of fresh air before unlocking the front door.  
  
"Mum? I'm home!" She calls a little breathlessly, still feeling the affects of the mini panic attack. She toes off her shoes making her way into the kitchen. "Mum?"  
  
There's a neon blue sticky note stuck to the handle of the fridge, informing Raelyn of her mother being called in to work for the graveyard shift and left her some cash to order and food she wanted for dinner. Well, any food 20 pounds would cover. She grabs a wine glass from the cupboard and a bottle of red wine from the refrigerator, pouring out the wine until it fills the glass half way. She sighs after taking a generous sip. She better get started on the newsletter for next week.  
***  
  
The next two hours are filled with another glass of wine, an open laptop with her camera memory card inserted into the little slot and file folders of previously named and dated pictures. Making a small photo collage in remembrance of the sweet boy who had passed, proved to be a little too much for Rae. So she took a break and drove herself over to the grocery store, taking her time to pick out the items she needed for dinner and to restock their pantry a bit. She cooked herself a simple grilled chicken over pasta and settled on the couch to catch up on Once Upon a Time.

Her phone stays silent the whole night, and she doesn't attempt to make any calls, or attempt to attempt to make any calls. With a carefully blank mind, she finishes the photo collage and sends it to the editor of the newsletter. Just another lonely night at home with the TV muted as she worked on editing more photos, like the ones she took of the boys just a few days ago. Their faces streaked with shadows and lights and eyes that seem to stare at Rae, like those blue mirthful ones knows exactly what she's feeling. She shuts her laptop quickly, snapping away the photos and pressing her hand back to her chest.  
  
Rae's thumb is once again hovering over another contact and it isn't until she dials Vinny's number, does she realize what she's doing and quickly ends the call, tossing her phone in the coffee table. That's the tenth time she's done that within a year of her cousins passing, knowing how bad her loneliness is whenever she forgets and tries calling him. Instead, she reopens her laptop, bringing up iTunes and falling asleep to the Civil Wars.  
  
Rae wakes with a start two hours later, sweat damping the roots of her hair and breathing like she just ran a marathon. She's automatically mauling at her chest and gripping her hair at her temple to rid the after thoughts. She had that dream again; with the shades of gray, the Dark Shadow and the wide, blue eyes that look up helplessly at her, a bone chilling scream echoing throughout the confines of her mind. She reaches for her phone, not hesitating in taking up Louis' offer, just to find her phone dead. Rae takes it as some kind of bad omen, leaving her phone on the table. There's a marathon of Friends on the telly, and she watches it all night; not getting another wink of sleep.

 

****


	14. 14. Charming Diners, Star's Envy, and The Good Stuff

The late night rush at the Diner is finally winding down, after the drunks had their fill of cravings and coffee to sober up, and the lonely souls who just sat at their table for one. Rae relates to those souls, for her house is nearly always empty; she's always alone when her mothers at work, and even when she's not, she sleeps away her exhaustion. It takes a major toll on Rae once in a while, although she tries to keep it to herself, her loneliness does come out to scream at people for some desperate company. Which is why she is either spending most of her time visiting Ronan or out snapping photos. Besides Kari, Rae never has people visit her a while she's working until her coworker, Liz, informs her without actually informing her.  
  
"Oh my god." Liz says breathlessly.  
  
"What? Did Steven forget to turn off the kettle again so water spills and the smoke alarm goes off?" Rae questions flatly, flipping through the recites from the evening.  
  
Liz snaps back to herself, shoving lightly at Rae's shoulder. "That happened once and no. That guy from earlier, the one flirting with you, came back and has been making heart eyes at you for a good twenty minutes, but you haven't noticed." Rae just shakes her head and ignores her until she speaks again after a long pause. After another costumer comes through the door and sits down at the counter.  
  
"Oh, and Louis Tomlinson is here. D'you mind taking his order, babes?"  
  
Rae looks up from her task, straight into the blue eyes of Louis. His smile bright and eyes a little tired around the edges. The Vans hoodie he is wearing looks a size too big, and there's a blue beanie atop his head pushing down his fringe over his forehead. Rae can't see over the counter but assumes he's wearing joggers of some sort because why would be at a diner at three in the morning and not snuggled up in his bed.  
  
She stares blankly at him before her brain catches up with her mouth. "Are you insane?"  
  
"Hi to you too. Yes, my night was great. Thanks for asking." Louis says sarcastically.  
  
"Right, yes hi. What are you doing here?" She looks around for any signs of the other boys or security. "Alone for that matter."  
  
Louis just shrugs, reaching over to grab a menu held in the metal rack. Liz, who had been casually leaning back against the opposite counter, rolls her eyes.  
  
"I swear," She mutters, before pushing herself up. "I'm, Liz," she directs towards Louis, who waves. "Big fan, nice to meet you. I'm taking my brake, Rae. Don't forget-" Liz cuts off her sentence with a nod towards the guy at the table, then spins toward the kitchen, disappearing through the doors.  
  
"I'll be right back." Rae informs Louis, whose eyes are not actually reading the menu, but staring at the same soup options.  
  
Rae grabs the coffee pot on the way over to the table, watching as the guys smiles when he sees her.  
  
"Second time you've waited on me." He states, all teeth in his smile. With blonde hair and brown eyes that glint beneath the warm lights of the diner. "I'm all flattered."  
  
"And it'd the second time you've been in here."  
  
"True. You just look so lovely in your uniform."  
  
Rae can't help her little smile. "You said that earlier."  
  
"S'true. You're the most beautiful waitress in here."  
  
"I'm the only one in here for now." She says, just to challenge him.  
  
"Only being honest." He says with his hands up defenselessly. "I've noticed you a few days ago, when you dropped that pie on the floor."  
  
"I was tripped by that little bugger of a kid." Rae tells him.  
  
"You were cute."  
  
Rae narrows her eyes at him. "Are you just flirting to get free chips, sir? I'll have you know it takes more than that for free food."  
  
The guy quirks his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? Like what?"  
  
"Like none of your business." But her tone is light.  
  
"So if flirting can't get me free chips. What does a date from you take?"  
  
"A date?" Rae blinks once taken aback.  
  
"Coffee."  
  
"Coffee?"  
  
"Yes. That dark bitter liquid your currently holding a pot of." He chuckles.  
  
She's seen to have forgotten the pot in her hand and pours some into his empty cup. Before she can stutter out a reply, a sharp ding and clutter of metal sounds behind her. She spins, alarmed, pot still in her hand like its glued there. The counter tops metal bell lays on the floor next to the stool Louis is sat in. Along with what looks like the small sugar packet holder.  
  
"Whoops. My bad." Louis apologizes, which sounds nothing like it. "Think the bell's broke."  
  
Rae tilts her head at Louis, shooting him a look. She hears Liz bark out a laugh from the back room, and isn't she suppose on her break and not listening in? Rae raises her free hand to point at Louis, then thinks better of it and drops it back to her side.  
  
"Isn't that the guy from that one boy band-?" The guy, she doesn't know his name yet, asks suspiciously.  
  
"No." Rae diverts. If word got out that a member from that said boy band was at a diner at 3am, the place would be swarmed with girls like bees on honey. "He gets that a lot though. Did you want anything else?"  
  
"Your number?" He flashes her a smile.  
  
The broken bell that's obviously not broken anymore due to its excessive dinging, loud and repeatedly interrupts her. Keeps her from giving an answer.  
  
"Raelyn!" Louis calls loudly, "I know what I would like now!"  
  
"He's quite noisy, innt he?"  
  
Rae sighs somehow fondly. "Yes but he's a good friend of mine. Have a goodnight."  
  
Rae walks away finally setting down the pot of coffee back on its stand just as Liz passes behind her, muttering she's got the check for the table Mr. Charming is at. When Rae gives her attention to Louis, he's siting there with a look on his face; like he's accomplished something he's always wanted to do. This little smirk playing up the corners of his mouth and those crinkles by his mirthful eyes. Rae leans across the counter forearms resting on the top.  
  
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Rae accuses.  
  
"Did you give him your number?" Louis questions instead, voice maybe a little snippy.  
  
"What if I did?"  
  
Something in Louis' eyes gleams as he eyes the guy walking out of the door. "He was obviously just playing you."  
  
"Oh? He seems rather charming to me."  
  
"You can't be serious." Louis says exasperated. "Did you see the way he was looking at you when you were walking just now?"  
  
"Because I have eyes in the back of my head..." Rae rolls her eyes.  
  
"You know what I mean, Rae. You might as well be a steak the way he looked at you."  
  
"Louis, please. He's just a costumer that was being nice."  
  
"He was trying to hit on you." Louis glares.  
  
"As do others...I think."  
  
"They do!" Liz calls from at the end of the counter as she inputs the guys check. "His name's Evan, in case you were wondering."  
  
"I wasn't, but thanks." Louis answers instead. It comes out snappy and Rae is close to telling him off when Liz just laughs again.  
  
"What's the big deal anyway?" Rae inquires, turning to grab one of the freshly clean teacups and placing it in front of Louis.  
  
He speaks while she searches through the many verities of tea. "It just...does. They shouldn't be hitting on you, especially at-" he checks the clock on the wall- "3:27am. That just screams ulterior motives. His hair is way too high anyway."  
  
"Oh my god." Rae laughs, finally finding the tea she wanted, placing it in the cup and pouring hot water over it. "What brings you in here then, hmm?"  
  
Louis shrugs. "Couldn't sleep. Figured you might be working. Thought you mentioned you work late on Fridays. And could I just have the egg and bacon platter?"  
  
Rae frowns concerned, putting his order in to the kitchen. "I some times having trouble sleeping too. A lot really. Let that seep for another two minutes. It's lavender tea, should help relax you."  
  
Louis nods, asking "You do? How come?"  
  
"I have dreams that I'd rather not relive." She shrugs nonchalantly.  
  
Louis is quite while he stirs his tea, tentatively sipping to test the heat and taste. "Had a fight with Eleanor." He admits.  
  
Rae bends down to pull wrapped up silverware from under the counter, setting next to Louis' arm. She her clears throat. "You know you can, um, talk right? To me? I mean," her voice lowers, "there's no difference between here and Hummingbird."  
  
"You mean besides the terribly, heart wrenching obvious?"  
  
"Yeah..."   
  
Louis smiles at her, rather sad by the tilt of his lips. "I know. You've yet to call though."  
  
Rae shrugs. "Nothing's bad happened yet and I'd hope to keep it that way."  
  
He nods in understanding, then mutters, "you can still call though."  
  
Rae just smiles. Her attention is called from the cook behind her setting Louis' steaming food into the waiting window. She leans through the window, appearing to ask something, and gets handed a plate of hash-browns. She sets both the hash browns and platter in front of him.  
  
"Free food for thought?" She offers, nudging the plate of hash.  
  
Rae waits patiently as Louis sips his tea and takes bites of his food. She begins to refill salt and pepper shakers as she waits, checks the sugar packet holder for any cracks, keeping an eye on the door for any late night people craving food. She throws Liz a clean damp rag across the room so she can clean the tables, and puts a new pot of coffee for herself, since she has two and a half more hours of her shift to go. The coffee is finished brewing by the time Louis decides to speak, half of the hash browns gone and his plate cleared.  
  
"She doesn't like it." Louis begins quietly, pushing scraps of egg around his plate with his fork.  
  
Rae gently takes the fork from his hand and clears the plates away before leaning forward on her forearms. She waits silently, because the blue of his eyes are dimmed, and not from the lighting of the diner. He meets her own eyes, soft and opened to portray that she really does want to console him if he truly needs it.  
  
"She doesn't like that I've been at the hospice more than going to Manchester." Louis drops his eyes quickly for a moment before looking back up. "Said that if I have so much free time, I should be spending it with her instead. I haven't even been home yet to visit me mum. Plus she's got finals coming up anyway, so it wouldn't make sense to distract her."  
  
Rae has been biting the inside of her cheek since his first sentence, because what? She lets up on her cheek to ask, "You love her?"  
  
"Um what?" Louis wasn't expecting that response. He was expecting her to be irked by it.  
  
"Do you love her?"  
  
"Uh-"  
  
Rae spares his lack of an answer. "I won't bad mouth her for being utterly and completely stupid, because who the hell gets mad about visiting sick children? Or going to visit your family you probably haven't seen in ages and rarely get to see them. I bet you see her more than them. That's just moronic and selfish. But I won't say anything about her."  
  
Louis cracks a small smile. That's the response he knew he'd get. "You just did." He informs her.   
  
"Yeah well...it's fucking stupid."  
  
"Raelyn!" Both Louis and Liz scold. Well, Liz scolds, Louis laughed her name.  
  
"What?" Rae looks over to Liz. "You shouldn't be listening, missy, and no I will not put a pound into that little jar because you owe it at least fifty." Turning back to Louis she says "and it is. That's what you fought about?"  
  
"I knew it'd make you angry." Louis mutters, but he is still smiling at her with this strange smile and a softness around his eyes.  
  
"Of course it does." Rae states fiercely, "my brother lives there. So how is that fair to you to have someone like that who gets mad because you'd rather put smiles on those kids faces? Some times that's all they ever have to get through the day. It means so much to them when anyone just gives them an ounce of love. Some of them have no visitors because their families abandoned them simply because they just couldn't bother with a sick child. And some of them have parents split up because they couldn't handle the news so their fathers just fucking take off. And about your own family, Louis. How can she be angry if you want to spend time away with them only. I just don't understand-" Rae stops when Louis reaches over to pull her hand, that he watched automatically go to her chest, away.  
  
"Sorry." She mumbles, a little embarrassed.  
  
"You're really passionate, you know that?" He squeezes her hand.  
  
"I don't think it's fair to you." Rae squeezes back. "Since you clearly know how I feel about it, how about you? Are you alright?"  
  
Louis shrugs one shoulder. "I think you're right. Which is how the fight started in the first place. I disagreed with her. Said being here was a little more important than going to there where no one would leave us alone anyway. Pretty sure she's got more fans than I do."  
  
Rae snorts but stays silent.  
  
"I'm alright now. Was angry about it, but I'm good."  
  
Rae leans forward again. "Are you sure? I could throw in a cupcake for you to take home."  
  
"Yeah, good." Louis doesn't clear up his answer. There he goes with that strange expression again, beginning to be a reoccurring thing whenever he gazes at Rae.

(Liz, who finished wiping the tables sat down to observe them, noticing each and every little subconscious thing they do in response to each other. Louis' look for one, their hands which they have yet to let go of, the muted smiles. She decides to quietly sneak through the other door that leads to the kitchen, leaving the two be themselves in the empty diner.)  
  
When Rae wraps three cupcakes into a small box, she informs Louis that she's baked them from scratch. The moist cookies and cream; chocolate with broken pieces of Oreos and vanilla buttercream frosting. The strawberry with the cheesecake filling, and the red velvet with the cream cheese frosting. It sparks a conversation shifting away from fights with girlfriends and flirtatious customers, to different passions Rae's has, to the music Louis listens too. Ranges from childhood memories and stories, to which FRIENDS character they're most like and how happy they were when Rachel didn't take that plane to Paris.

Louis makes her laughs with stories of his most infamous pranks he's pulled on tour; on the boys, bodyguards, band members and even fans at meet and greets. Rae entertains him with the stories Ronan randomly comes up with and the way he says certain words and phrases that just light up the whole playroom. She tells him that Ronan had asked for an Ironman suit one Halloween because he wants his chest to glow. How he asked Olivia to marry him just the other day. Of the pictures she took of them both, especially the ones when Ronan leaned over and bumped his lips to his pretend wife's.  
  
"Please make me a copy of that one!" Louis laughs joyously, the sound filling up the quite diner.  
  
"Already have a waiting list for that one." Rae smiles. "Do you want to see?"  
  
"Show me, show me!" He exclaims.  
  
Rae grabs her camera from her back in the back. Showing Louis the pictures causes him scroll through more, intriguing him to question Rae about her camera and how it can take both film and a memory card. When and how did she start her hobby. Why was there a picture of Liam looking close to tears. Rae explains she took the photo when she saw him looking through the window of the little twins lying in their sick bed together. She showed the picture to Liam, having no intention of posting such a personal moment. She tells Louis that Liam, along with the rest of them, don't ever seem to mind her capturing those moments and thanks Louis personally for that. Promising him she'll put them all in an album to give them later; if they wanted.   
  
Their conversations turns to why Rae hasn't been getting enough sleep. Which prompts her to elaborate a little more on how her dreams are actually just one reoccurring nightmare, involving Ronan's hospice room and starring a dark shadow that seems to rip him away from her. She doesn't linger on the subject long, and Louis seems to understands, making her promise to call him if she has it again. She mentions it would possibly be nice since the only person she really told was her cousin, Vinny. Louis asks about him, curiously polite and only learns that they grew up together and were rather close, but she refuses to talk any further on that matter. Louis tells her of a childhood friend of his that passed, and it still gets to him once and a while. They squeeze each others hand for consolable comfort.

*  
  
Both Louis and Rae continue talk well into the morning, in their own quiet, little bubble where it smells a little of fried eggs and coffee. Rae only breaks their conversation to serve coffee to three girls who stumbled drunk into the diner, and an older man who is a regular, giving him his usual cup to go. Soon enough, Liz comes out to tell Rae to get her hard working ass home since it's 6am.   
  
"I didn't realize..." Louis trails off, checking his phone for the first time. There are two text messages from Harry, and non from his girlfriend. <i>'Are you doing ok?'</i> <i>'Where'd you go? I swear if you're playing footie at 4am. Just be careful.'</i>   
  
"I am suddenly exhausted." Rae sighs. She disappears into the kitchen, only to return a minute later with that brown, ripped up bag. "How'd you get here, Louis? Do you need a ride?"  
  
Louis shakes his head. "Drove meself. Are you alright to drive home though?"  
  
"I'll be okay. Do it all the time."   
  
"In that case." Louis stands and holds open the door for Rae to walk through and walks her to her car.  
  
The sun has barely begun to break through the dusk, the horizon just a dusting of purple and gold. The morning air is chilly, weather moving towards the beginning of November. Louis adjusts his beanie while Rae unlocks Charlie, carefully putting her bag in the passenger seat. She turns back to him, blue eyes highlighted by the fleck of gold and catching the dim light of the sun. She looks dead on her feet, yet a soft smile plays across her lips.  
  
"Let me know when you're home, yeah?" Louis says. "So I know your coffee didn't fail and you've driven off to Neverland."  
  
Rae laughs under her breath. "I promise. You too."  
  
There's a moment where they both just stare quietly at each other, then they both break at the same time and lean forward for a hug. One of those hugs that spew nothing but warmth and comfort, one shared between two good friends. Rae rests her head on Louis' shoulder, his cheek pressed to her hair. She smells of the diner, but with her own scent of coconut and flowers and coffee. Reluctantly they release each other, shy tired smiles, with the sun warming the sky with colors. Louis bends into her car, taking out her camera and snaps a photos of the sunrise. He sheepishly hands it back, chuckling along with Rae.  
  
"It's beautiful, innit?" Rae asks, looking towards the sky, the sun now lighting it up with pinks and light purples.  
  
"Yeah..." Louis agrees, then proceeds to gently shoves Rae's arm. "Go to sleep."  
  
"Don't push me, you twat." Rae retorts with no bite, plopping down on the seat.  
  
Louis fish mouths. "Did you just call me a twat?"  
  
"No. You're hearing things. Go to bed, Lou." Rae smiles sweetly. Sweetly mischievous.  
  
Louis rolls his eyes. They bid each other goodbye, and as Louis watches her drive off and walks back to his car, he thinks of the sunrise. How he took that a picture and thinks in comparison to the sunrise, he would rather take pictures of Rae instead.  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Good Stuff is a song from Kenny Chesney, and its about a man going into an empty bar looking for the good stuff. Well, the bartender tells him basically that the good stuff isn't a drink, instead its life and love and loss. For some reason as I wrote this chapter, that song came to mind, probably because they talk all night like in the song. Idk my brain makes strange connections. It was like 2am when I wrote it Thanks for reading!


	15. 15. My Hands Can Be Your Anchor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( I crack myself up with irony.)
> 
> Warnings: Panic attack, unintentional form of self harm

 

Fear is something of an enemy to Raelyn. It surges up from nowhere, poisoning the pit of her stomach and plagues her heart. It has been doing that once in a while for the past three years, and today, today it comes back. The same powerful surge, if not a little differently because Ronan has never just fallen into her arms like that before.  
  
"Rae, I'm sorry, you have to go now." Ronan's doctor, Dr. Ramsy, quickly and gently kicks Rae out of the room, the door closing and blinds pulling shut.  
  
She had been playing a game of Minion Rush with Ronan on her phone, when he suddenly dropped the device and slumped over in his sister's arm.  
  
"Ronan?" Rae questioned desperately, straightening his body against hers.  
  
"Ra...m'chest...hurts...stop it." Ronan panted, his words slurred with each breath.  
  
Immediately, Rae had called out for the closet nurse Greg, while the machine next to Ronan's bed, hooked with the clear tubes to Ronan's little wrist, beeped constantly. Greg quickly called for the doctor and now there Rae stands. Staring helplessly at the door, her little brother lying weak behind it. There's a serene moment as she stands there, quite in the hallway, save for the faint sounds of singing and guitar strumming, where Rae is frozen. The calm before the storm. Then it happens.  
  
Fear that quickly turns into something worse. Sharp painful spams shoot through Raelyn's chest, curling its vice fingers and constricting her heart. She felt it coming, knew it would be coming the second Ronan fell limp, yet she could do nothing to stop the attack; never can. The halls of the Hospice suddenly surge in temperature, abruptly spinning around her in white and colorful blurs. Rae's hand springs to her chest, clutching at her skin, desperately trying to stop the pain.  
  
Thoughts explode in Rae's mind, loud and urgent; What if this is it? _Oh God, maybe it is it._ Ronan is fading into the blackness that haunts her dreams. It's her fault; she overexerted him. If she hadn't made him laugh so hard, hadn't gave her phone so he could play the game and stress out when he lost. He'd be gone before their mother could get there. They wouldn't get to say goodbye and the blue of Ronan's eyes would turn into gray stones...  
  
Rae is now gasping for air, leaning against the wall for support. It's nothing but sheer panic until she can squeeze her eyes shut and tries to force herself to breathe. She'd call him, she really would, if he wasn't already there, singing along with his band mates and knowing none the better. Rae spins around, wobbling a little on her feet, eyes wildly searching for them. A passing nurse reaches out to steady her, her expression alarmed.  
  
With the strength pulled out from years of practice, putting on that mask she so carefully crafted, Rae sucks up her panic. If only for the briefest moment to reassure the nurse that she's fine, only to panic twice the times when the nurse walks away. Rae attempts to make her way across the hall, but she feels as if she's treading through water, opposite the current. Another painful spasm stops her in her tracks. She knows what room he's in, can hear the music, just adjacent from where she's stopped. But her attack is becoming too much, and she thinks she can't make it there in time. Just like Ronan isn't going to make it. Ronan isn't going too push through the way Rae is pushing through the water and if he can't, then neither can she. She'll just drown along with-  
  
Bright blue catches Rae's attention, reflecting under the lights and interrupting her thoughts. She registers the eyes as Louis', who sees her and suddenly he's out of the room in the middle of a song. His own eyes laced with worry. Rae's skin is prickling with needles by the time she feels cool hands on her arms, and cooling her skin.  
  
"Raelyn. Hey, hey, breathe. Raelyn, you have to breathe for me." Louis' voice cuts through the chaos in her brain.  
  
Rae is shaking her head frantically, muttering small "I can't's" while hiccuping for air. "Ronan...Ro..." She starts frantically. "He...check. Louis please! Check!" Rae shot out her free hand as Louis was trying to decipher her words, and winces as her fingers accidentally catch his skin.

However, Louis understands. Understands and quickly tells Rae he'll be right back and makes her way over to Ronan's door. There's a bent blind that allows Louis to peek inside and sees nurse Greg hovering over Ronan, smiling up at the Doctor. He takes that in stride and goes back to Rae, all in five seconds.  
  
"He'll be okay, it's okay. Ronan is fine, Rae. Breathe with me." Louis says calmly, and begins to inhale deeply. He carefully brings one hand to her cheek, thumb gently stroking beneath her eye.  
  
Rae imitates his breathing; in slowly through her nose, holding for three seconds, then slowly exhales through her mouth. She continues breathing while Louis just mutters sweet words of comfort. Encourages her and praises her while she comes down. It takes several minutes for Rae to fully to calm down, her panic fading away with the pain in her chest.  
  
Cerulean eyes frantically searches hers, double checking for any lingering signs of the attack. Louis drops his hand from her face and grabs hold of Rae's hand that's assaulting her chest; which he should have done in the first place. Now there's a sizable red mark on her chest just below her collarbones, welting lines evidence of her nails on her skin.  
  
"Alright?" He questions, pushing his fingers through her hair, tucking strands behind her ear.  
  
"Yeah. Yes, M'alrght." Rae takes a shuddering breath. She clutches at his gray shirt with her free hand, fingers clasping around the fabric. "Just...don't leave yet."  
  
"I won't. I'm here for you." Louis promises softly, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. Tucks her head under his chin and holds her close. He thinks the way her fingers always seem to dig into something is her way of coping, of keeping something- someone- there for her. Like she's searching for anchor when a storm wildly rocks her ship. Something that Louis believes she hasn't had for a while. She digs her fingers into his back as they hug, and he knows it's probably going to bruise. But despite Rae's words, her breathing isn't completely normal yet, and tremors wrack throughout her body every twenty seconds. So he just tightens his hold around her, conveying his promise without words. If he holds tight enough, he thinks he can stop her ship and calm her storm.  
*  
  
  
As if this day couldn't already get worse; which scratch that, because she's standing in the middle of a Hospice and yeah, it could always get worse. Still, it's just another thing she's got to deal with atop her recent panic attack. A panic attack that had a small aftershock fifteen minutes later, when she still wasn't allowed in Ronan's room still and Louis was forced (with a reluctant apologetic look thrown at Rae) back into singing by his manager.  
  
Several moments after that little scuffle -with Louis being an absolute little shit to Paul _'catch me if you can burly man!'_   Then tried to dive over Paul, who was a good foot and a half taller than Louis, so it was a miserably failed attempt. (Causing Rae to burst out laughing for the moment.)- Jackie called Rae over to the front desk, handing her an envelope addressed to her and her mum.  
  
"Bloody fuck it to hell." Rae curses quietly, reading over the paper held in her hands for the eighth time.  
  
Someone tisks behind her, leaning close enough to her ear, their breathing making a shiver race down her spine . "This is a Children's Hospice, Raelyn darling. So disappointed in you."  
  
"Don't pretend like you don't have your own sailor mouth sir, I've heard it." Rae shoots Louis a quick grin before returning back to the paper.  
  
She folds the top half down to prevent Louis from reading over her shoulder, if he even was at all. However, it's in vain because Louis seems to notice the tension of the situation; in her shoulders and the tightness of her eyes when she looked back him, and steps back, opting to watch her face instead. Rae reads the letter once more, then abruptly moves, like a major spasm or something, shoving her hand in her bag and pulling out her cell phone. She startles Louis with the movement, concern in his eyes and his hands frozen in mid air, like he was about to reach out to her to steady her.  
  
"Everything alright?" Louis asks cautiously.  
  
"Have to call me mum." Rae mumbles in response, phone pressed to her ear awaiting an answer. She turns her back to Louis when her mother picks up and lowers her voice. "Hi mum," Rae greets in response, "we've got another letter. That makes eight."

She lowers her voice more and takes a step away from Louis, glancing over her shoulder to see that he's turned his attention to bulletin board on the opposite wall. "I've told them. They understand, but mum, they can only do so much to help."

<i>"Maybe we should ask your-"</i> Her mother begins.

"No! Mother, no! We don't need anything from- I am _not_ asking him. You know what,on't worry about it. I've got this one. I'll figure it out, I promise. Don't worry, yeah? It'll be fine."

<i>"Are you sure, dear?"</i>

"Positive. No worries. Love you mum, sorry I called during work."

<i>"You're never a bother, darling. Love you too."</i> MaryAnn say before hanging up.  
  
Rae sets her phone down on little table between the chairs in the ward's lobby, and pinches the bridge of her nose. Her thoughts whirl on how she can cover this latest overdue hospital bill. Probably having to dig once again into her savings to pay in full so her mother's hard earned money won't have to be spent a quid. Sighing with a mixture of exhausted frustration, she releases her nose and shoves her hand through her hair, knocking off the beanie she forgotten was there. It's presented to her before she can pick it up.  
  
"Come on then." Louis smiles encouraging at her, pressing the lift button once Rae's taken back her beanie.  
  
Confused, Rae asks "Where?"  
  
"Tea. I think you could use a cuppa."  
*  
  
  
If Louis spends the next two hours skirting and sneaking around Paul, consisting of acting like a spy and pulling Rae behind him as they hide around corners and avoid him all together, just to hear and see Rae laugh behind her hand, it's exactly for that reason. They left with the reassurance from Dr. Ramsy that Ronan's vitals were steady and all he needed was a good rest, and headed towards a classic tea shop. Louis pulling Rae's hand behind him the whole way, swearing on his great, great Nan's grave they serve the best tea in the world. They stop in, Louis paying for Rae's cup of spiced chi, which Louis scoffs at as Rae explains how she like the way it bites on her tongue.

She confesses that the photos from their little photoshoot have been ready for a week, pulling out a brown folder from her bag, only handing them to Louis after she makes him promise not to look at them until he's with the other boys. He does, but hands the folder back to her for safe keeping, since he's forgotten his purse at home because it clashed horribly with his outfit. Rae rolls her eyes amused, flicking crumbs from her cheese danish at him.  
  
Louis entertains Rae in a Vans store, placing shoes on his hands and attempting a hand stand. Ends up nearly knocking over a rack of shirts that rocks dangerously until Rae catches it in time, barking out a rather loud laugh. Louis blames it on his phone buzzing in his pocket, shoving said phone into Rae's hand because he doesn't want to hear anyone scolding him. While Rae talks to Niall, Louis' handstand, rack wobbling commotion caught the attention of two teenage girls. He takes pictures with them when they ask, and not 10 minutes later, a smaller group of girls, about eight of them, consequently show up.

Along with five more girls, and its quickly becoming a small mob, bound to grow even more because the girls have their phones out, and can text and tweet faster than Louis' eyes can adjust to the flash of their camera phones. Louis thinks it's a blessing from the heavens when the same shirt rack from before hits the ground with a loud metal pang. They all turn around, a few girls yelping in surprise, to stare at the shirts flooding around the rack, when Louis is suddenly yanked harshly, towards the back of the store and out the back employee door. Turns out his blessing is actually Rae, with an annoyed yet amused expression, still with his phone held to her ear.  
  
"Paul says your arse is his when you get back," She relays. "And you deserve what you got for sneaking away."  
  
"Thanks Rae." Louis breathes genuinely, ignoring Paul's words recited by her.  
  
Rae smiles at him, wide and beautiful, the way it's lighting up her eyes beneath the sunlight streaming between the meek clouds. He can't be bothered with his current thoughts, not when Rae suddenly laughs at something that Niall says, cheeks turning the slightest shade of pink before biding him goodbye and hanging up. Louis is sure his smile matches hers, and widens when she takes his hand in her, and pulls him along, saying its her turn to help him escape his reality.

They end up in a quiet camera shop, Rae greeting the woman behind the counter with a hug. She's got blonde hair wrapped up with a colorful scarf, a shiny little stud pierced through her nose, and blue-green eyes that lit up when Rae entered. Rae pulls out two rolls of film and a memory card, handing them over to her friend she introduced as Angelique. The store is where she gets her pictures developed when she doesn't have time to do them herself.

Louis, his heart still beating a little abnormally from the Vans store incident, opts to lean back against the glass case counter, watching as Rae walks around the store. Eyes tracking her every move; from how her fingers gently trace over a ridiculously huge, expensive looking camera with four detachable lens, to the way her hands carefully handle a tripod as she tests the weight of it, to how her eyes lock on a canvas photo hanging on the shops wall. She slowly turns around, a smile spreading across his lips and a her hand pressing into her chest. For a wild moment, Louis thinks shes going to have another panic attack in the middle of the shop, when Rae shakes her head.  
  
"You've hung it up." Rae says, sounding breathless. "That's _my_   photo."  
  
"All yours, lovely." Angelique nods, speaking with an accent that Louis can't quite place. Then speaks quietly to Louis after Rae turns back around. "If she give an explanation, you're in. She doesn't let her walls down just for anyone, ya know."  
  
Confused, Louis stares blankly at her, until Rae softly calls him over and only moves when her photography friend shoves him away from the counter. He takes in the photo, standing shoulder to shoulder with Re and can feel her eyes watching him carefully as he observes. The photo is quite beautiful in it's own meaning that is a little lost on Louis, yet a little haunting. The photo seems to be of a child, holding small daisies in its hands, shaded with gray, black and white. The white of the flowers petals stand out against the dark of the child's body, hidden away in the shadows so only it's the bottom half of its face and hands are shown. One of the daisies is falling out of the child's hand, falling upside down with its stem barely clinging onto the child's finger.

He lets it sink in, tries to open his mind and understand, or interpret his own meaning and what Rae's meaning actually is. He finally tears his eyes away from the photo, turning to Rae, watching her twirl a piece of her hair around her finger, upper teeth nervously gnawing at her bottom lip. She's suddenly so endearing, standing there with her gray beanie on her head with her nervous antics and wide blue eyes attempting to read his thoughts. He kind of wants to kiss her nose and whoa- what? No. He absolutely does not want to kiss anything, especially her nose because how fucking sappy is that, and yeah. Louis really needs to stop blatantly staring at her now, and she needs to stop chewing her lip and turns those incredible eyes on something, anything, that isn't him right at this moment.  
  
Louis clears his throat, and hopefully those absurd thoughts he has no idea where they popped up from, (which is nothing but a lie because all he can think about lately is Raelyn, and her eyes, and her banter, and rambling, and her camera, and that stupid flirty late night diner and other stupid, prick blokes who could easily ask for her number as easily as she can give it.) But this moment isn't about any of that. In fact, wasn't he just going to speak. he realizes a moment too late that hes been fish mouthing, and clears his throat again. Before he has a chance to speak again, Rae beats him to it.  
  
"It's alright if you don't like it." She says quickly, rushing through her words and twirling her hair faster. "I know not everyone does, it's alright. Honest. I just maybe thought that people would understand a little more how I felt when...well...it's inspired by um...inspired by Vinny's death. Like I just wanted to portray that I felt like a child at the time, with nothing to hold onto but those flowers.

"But I can't even hold onto that, onto anything that I can grasp as an understanding. Like maybe, just maybe the flowers would represent the hope of him coming back, of it being a dream rather than reality, yet that hope falls because it's the only pure white thing in the midst of the dark and the dark is swallowing it up slowly, so the only choice hope has is to fall..."  
  
As Rae rambles on, Louis sees her hand start its odd subconscious rubbing, that slowly turns into her nails digging into her skin. Her eyes are bright, shiny but completely dry, maybe a little distant as she talks. Louis, for the umpteenth time today, takes her hand in his, offering a kind smile. He can feel his sudden fondness soften his eyes and he steps a little closer, until the toes of his shoes are nudging hers.  
  
"Hey. I like it. It's amazing, Raelyn. Really." Louis earnestly tells her.  
  
"It's not too dark or something?" Rae asks nervously.  
  
Louis squeezes her hand. "It's exactly that. Hauntingly beautiful. It's like your heart in photography."  
  
There's a heavy pause. Rae gazing so intently into his own blue eyes. Unexpectedly, Rae breaks out into a chuckle. "My heart in photography."  
  
"Oh shove off." Louis snaps with no true intent behind it. "I was trying to be honest!"  
  
"No, right. I'm sorry. I know you were. Thank you, really." Rae's chuckling fades out into her voice as it softens.  
  
"It deserves to be on a wall."

Her responding smile leaves Louis a little breathless. "Thanks for today. You know, just being there when-"  
  
"It's not ever a problem, Rae, you know that."  
  
Rae nods, then turns her attention to the phone buzzing in her pocket. She slips out Louis' phone, handing it over sheepishly. "Oops. Forgot I had it, and it's Paul....you might want to answer that."  
  
The conversation on the phone is mainly one sided and leaves Louis with an ear full out being chewed out, because he's in deep shit from the stunt he pulled and him ending up all over twitter and gossip sights already. He grimaced when he was told that a pap had showed up to the Vans store and he wasn't the only one photographed. He spares a glance over his shoulder at the two girls talking, a pang of guilt dropping in his stomach because Rae was undoubtedly pictured with him. Exactly what he had been trying to avoid this whole time. He figures its worth it though (and hopefully she thinks so too) just to see Rae's mood from the afternoon change into this animatedly chatting girl, with the excited eyes as she talks about her latest project with her friend.

Especially when he informed her that they have to head back to the Hospice, and her goodbye hug lingered a little longer than goodbye see ya later, hugs normally go, and the way her fingers brushes against her when she gave him the photos. It was worth it for the way she smiles back at him and Louis realizes, much too late, that the beating of his heart was not a lingering fear from the fans at the shop, but due to Raelyn instead.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little fun fact, (does anyone read these, idk) This chapter was written Nov, 2013...because it was my bday and the Midnight Memories album dropped the day before. (I remember being up early getting ready to go to Disney with the TV on, no coffee in my system yet and saying "i seriously hate them so much" and my friend was like "uhhh..what?" I just said "it's a love, hate thing"-Nov. 26. 2013.) 
> 
> So, in the timeline for this story, that same album doesn't drop until several months after November. It was around this time while I was writing that I actually came up with a timeline because I realized I was actually going to finish a story.


	16. Pictures Splashed on the News Front Page

 

 

The sun is just setting over London, lights up the sky with fiery colors of pinks, oranges and reds. Winter is just around the corner so the sun sets earlier and the allure if it is too much not to be captured by a camera. The November chill biting at Rae's cheeks as she sits atop her car, finding the right setting to snap the shot. Twisting her lens to zoom to her content, testing the shots before taking the serious ones. Some with the tips of the trees lining the bottom of the photo; others with nothing but the colors of the sky filling up the frame.  
  
She's taking the photos upon request; Ronan, after his little scare was cleared by his doctor, had gotten the chance to walk around outside the day prior, right as the sun was setting. They walked around the little track on the small balcony right outside the window Rae has self proclaim as her own panic corner. He squeezed his sisters hand as hard as he could with his little fingers, pulling his other hand from his nurse, and pointing towards the sky.  
  
_"Ra-Ra, look! The sky is on fire!" Ronan proclaimed, blue eyes wide with wonder. "Picture, picture!"_  
  
Raelyn smiles to herself, as she lowers her camera to her lap, scrolling through her recent photos to the one Maria took of her and Ronan. His smile is bright, matching her own with the sunset glowing around them, holding him tight in her arms. She plans to make copies of it and frame it next to Ronan's bed, along with the ones she's taking now. She's so focused on the memory of the day before, she doesn't register the footsteps behind her. Not until her car suddenly dips a little and there's a metal popping noise along with the heavy smack of something. When she looks to her right, Kari is sitting on the hood of her car, with a rather petulant expression.  
  
"Careful with Charlie!" Rae scowls down at her friend. "He's old and fragile."  
  
Kari breaks her put on pout and gently pats Charlie as an apology, then glares back up at Rae. "Sorry Charlie bug. I'm mad at you." She directs towards her friend.  
  
Rae doesn't even blink. She knows Kari's true angry face, and this is the equivalent of an angry toddler. Kari holds up a stack of magazines, poking hard at the cover of the first one.  
  
"What the bloody hell is this!? Why didn't you tell me you were on the cover of a magazine!?" She drops the first one, revealing the second. "And this one, and this and this! Look!" She shoves the last one closer to Rae's face, who leans back startled and wobbles a little. "This is a full front cover!"  
  
Rae stares in belief at the magazines, eyes wide and mouth open. "That...that can't be. That can't be me." She breathes quietly, carefully picking up the first one Kari dropped on the windshield.  
  
Low and behold, on the top left corner is a gritty picture of Louis holding open the door for her. Her face, thank God, is half hidden by Louis coming out of the hospital, but that's the same outfit she wore that day, and that's clearly her brown camera bag and is-  
  
"That's your camera tattoo right there on your arm. It's you!" Kari exclaims, flipping open the full page cover one. "Ahem. _'Louis Tomlinson is spotted entering Vans Off the Wall once again with his mystery girl. Both were seen shopping until they were mobbed by some fans and cleverly escaped out the back. No word on mystery girl yet, but she sure doesn't look anything like Louis' girlfriend, student, Eleanor Calder.'_ They really had to mention her by name? _'Seems like Louis isn't just going in one direction anymore.'_ The fuck?"  
  
That last line breaks through Rae's initial shock, snorting out a one syllable laugh. "That last part is horribly punned. Actually just horrid in general."  
  
"Tell me about it. Makes him seem like- no. No! I'm angry at you! Why didn't you tell me you were in fucking magazines!?"  
  
"I didn't know. Next time I'll call you for sure when I see a pap hiding in a trash can." Rae rolls he eyes. "That first picture isn't from a professional camera. In fact, it looks like a camera phone or something. Shit." Rae sighs, sliding down the windshield to sit next to Kari, laying back against the cold glass. "I didn't even think..."  
  
Kari's quite for all of two seconds, then voices "Hook me up with Liam. Ouch!"  
  
Rae smacked her friends thigh. "You are insufferable."  
  
"I'm only joking. Do you think Louis knows?"  
  
Rae shrugs indifferently. "Haven't seen him today."  
  
It's a Wednesday, one of the days the boys are scheduled to play. She got a text from Zayn (and since when did she actually have all their numbers saved in her phone. Probably when Louis stole it just two weeks ago and edited his contact name to _Louis-the greatest you'll ever meet_ ) informing her that they couldn't make it because they had to film some promo videos.  
  
_'Try not to miss him too much ;)'_  
  
The text was Zayn's follow up and as hard as she laughed and rolled her eyes again, she did just that. She missed him- _them_. They made the days a little brighter, a little more bearable at the hospice. With his random antics - _their_ \- and his little pranks. The way Louis seemed to brighten every single room, brighten Ronan's exhausted face to that of the sun and warm her mothers heart her she showed up once in a blue moon. How he seems to brighten hers when her own claws of darkness takes over. He has a knack of finding her when she's sitting alone- something she is very use to; the loneliness. She figured when he sits by her side, she's not so lonely anymore.  
  
"Not sure he'll be too thrilled about it." Rae speaks, realizing they haven't said a word for a few minutes.  
  
Kari had shifts to lie next to her. "What about you, doll? How do you feel about this?"  
  
"It's...weird, y'know? But I guess it's to be expected. He's in the most famous boyband...are yet considered boys anymore? Manband?"- Kari snorts- "Just weird."  
  
"I'm not really mad you know. Just tell me when you your next interview is. Stop smacking me!"  
  
Rae's hand is caught by Kari, who makes it her goal to hit Rae with her own hand against her cheek. They poke at each other until Rae calls truce and watches as the sky continues to grow dark. The temperature dropping a few more in numbers, cold enough to feel it tickling their noses.  
  
"Rae..." Kari speaks into the sky. Rae hums her acknowledgment. "What are they like?"  
  
"Come visit and you'll find out." She answers carefully. Kari has a thing about hospitals ever since her grandfather passed away..  
  
"I'll try."  
  
Rae lovingly pats Kari's forehead. "I know, darling. They're just...normal. I don't know. They remind me of our boys from college, like all goofy and a little bit idiotic in the best way possible. Liam is just really kind, and gentle and he's always scared to pick up Ronan, even when he begs because he said a Liam has arms like the Hulk apparently. And he just goes out of his way for every single kid.

"They all do really. Harry...I he's just got this heart of gold. He's so endearing and Ronan never stops touching his dimples or pulling his hair. He says Harry's his brother-in-raw"

"Law. brother-in-law." Kari corrects.

"No. Raw, he's four years old you twit, because him and Olivia look a like and you know Ro. Olivia is his wife so, in-raws and what not. But Harry's charming and silly and he pretends he doesn't know how to color and wears the necklaces the twins make and he sings to Heidi who never smiles, ever. But he got her to do it. Got a hug and a kiss on his cheek from her and now she says hi very time she sees him."  
  
When Kari questions who Heidi is, Rae explains. She's a 12 year old girl who's parents abandoned her once they found out she has a tumor in her brain and has gone blind in her left eye. Heidi had never smiled after that and it brakes Rae's heart because she hasn't been able to do anything about it. So bless Harry for somehow cracking through her walls.  
  
"Niall makes it his mission to high five every single kid and Ronan adores him because he lets Ro strum at his guitar. Lets Ro beat him on his DS and laughs when Ronan pretends he's a t-Rex. He's so relaxed, Kari, I'm a little bit jealous of him. I like to be around him because pretty sure he is like relaxing sunshine."  
  
Kari chuckles.  
  
"I think Zayn isn't what anyone expects. I think he just plays up the timid card, or he just thinks a lot. He's actually really goofy, especially when Louis pulls him along. He's a really good person to just sit and talk to. I keep him company on his smoke breaks sometimes. I think being there affects him more than he would ever let on. That goes for all of them. I think we've really come to understand each other."  
  
Rae falls silent, reminiscing the fourth time she found Zayn all alone, smoking his last cigarette. She keeps him company and he her, like they can both feel the loneliness that lingers over a place like Hummingbird. Like he can feel how lonely she gets because she comes home and goes to sleep to an empty house. She wakes up to an empty house save for the sticky notes her mother leaves; on her forehead, mirrors, the fridge, and even stuck to Charlie's windows. So Zayn sometimes places a gentle hand on her shoulder and gives her a comforting squeeze, offering a warm smile. She thinks maybe one time Zayn possibly voiced his assumptions to Louis, for he shot a concerned glance over at Rae while Zayn was still talking in his ear.  
  
"What about Louis?" Kari inquires softly, looking over at Rae who keeps eyes on the stars.  
  
Rae was planning in keeping it short, but she has this terribly habit of rambling. "He's...Louis. Just Louis. He's really caring and aware of everything. The other boys just seem to follow his lead, even if it means a prank goes wrong or they're caught. He's so entertaining. Makes up stories with the toys and acts them out. Gives them these high pitched voices and he's so gentle with Ronan. Good gentle, if that makes sense. He's becoming a really good friend. Someone to lean on, no matter how long you've know him, you know he'll always be there. He's supportive and he listens and he tries to understand, gives his full attention to me. He's an escape from reality at times, and he's funny and he's helping me. He's almost like a rock to stand on and-"  
  
"Oh my god." Kari interrupts abruptly, slow smile spreading across her mouth. "You fancy him.  
  
"I-what?" Rae stutters, snapping her head to look over at her friend.  
  
"You like him."  
  
Rae stares at Kari. Heartbeat beginning to bang against drums set up in her chest. "No. I-no. I don't like him. I mean I do, but no. Not like-"  
  
"You're blushing! Rae you never blush! You-" Kari doesn't finish her sentence because Rae pushes her off Charlie. "Little shit." Kari cruses as she catches herself on her feet the last second.  
  
"You're mental and he's got a girlfriend." Rae sits up, crossing her arms to keep warm.  
  
Kari picks up a magazine. "Not according to this!" She taunts.  
  
"I hate you so much." Rae deadpans, sliding off her car, just ask her mothers car pulls up.  
  
The conversation is instantly forgotten when he mum opens her car door. Rae shoots Kari an excited look then practically bounces toward her mum, throwing her arms around her once she steps out.  
  
"Mum! What are you doing home!?" Rae ask cheerfully, tightening her hold.  
  
"Michelle needed some extra hours this week, so I gave her mine." MaryAnn explains, hugging her daughter back just as tight. "Which means..."  
  
Rae pulls back and sees a white paper bag of smelling deliciously of something amazing, and looking suspiciously like a the bag from the diner Rae works at.  
  
"Jasper always cooks too much food and always gives me the leftovers. So I figure a movie night in with my daughter is a lovely way to spend the evening. You too, love." She addresses to Kari.  
  
"Jasper only ever cooks too much food when he knows you'll be stopping by. He's got a thing for you mum." Rae narrows her eyes suspiciously. "Did you use your feminine wiles to woo him?"  
  
MaryAnn hip checks her daughter and leads the way inside the house. Where they set the food out and put in Breakfast at Tiffany's, followed by Love Actually because December is right around the corner and why not. She's snuggled up against her mother and Kari snuggled up against her and for a moment, she forgets what the house feels like empty.  
***  
  
The next morning comes with a carpool ride to the hospice, visiting and surprising Ronan when their mother walks in. Rae revels in the fact that night wasn't spent alone, editing pictures like it usually is. She smiles as she watches Ronan climb their mothers lap as she read him his favorite story, Curious George. Snaps photos when Ronan falls asleep in her arms as she gently rocks back and forth and sings sweetly in his ear. Her voice is warm, loving and it wraps around Rae like a comforting blanket and its times like these she realizes how much she misses and needs her mother still. But it's hard when they both work double hours and an empty house and bills to pay and- shit. The Hospital bill.  
  
"Mum," Rae whispers as her mother carefully lays Ronan down and tucks him in, kissing his nose. "Did Dr. Ramsy talk to you?"  
  
MaryAnn sighs, motioning for her daughter to follow her out of the room. She leads her just passed the double doors to the small waiting area to the left.  
  
"There's...there's no way to pay it up front fully." MaryAnn informs her. "At least...not when Christmas is next month and-"  
  
"Mum, no. I don't care about that. Honestly." Rae shakes her head genuinely. "I can pay half-"  
  
"No, sweetie. You're already paying too many bills for me. I can't ask you to-"  
  
"You're not asking. I'm willingly doing. Mum, please. We can...I can do it. I'll do it."  
  
MaryAnn seems to sense Rae's determination and sighs in defeat. The last time she refused her daughter to help, she ended up with the money she paid for the bills back into her account. All Rae's doing. Instead, she offers to buy her a cup of tea because a two pound cup of tea is still affordable.  
  
They are in the middle of a conversation about their co-works and how that one regular her the diner keeps flirting and hitting on Rae, when her phone buzzes. MaryAnn watches the smile spread slowly across his daughters lips as Louis' name flashes across the screen. She insists that Rae takes the call, sipping at her cup while her daughter steps outside to talk, MaryAnn doesn't need magazines or Kari to tell her what she see already, after Rae comes back in fifteen minutes later. There's a smile bitten back as she drops in her seat, checks her phone once more and replies to a message, laughing softly before putting her phone away. Rae's smile lingers for the rest of the night, and MaryAnn absolutely blames Louis for it.

 

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I snuck a song lyric in there...It's been a running theme.


	17. Tides Are Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I literally have no idea what the weather is like in London during Novemeber....I'm from Florida.  
> Warnings: Panic attack, realities of a hospital.

It's one of those rainy days in November. Those days when the crack of thunder acts an an alarm clock, rain hammering against the glass of the window, and lightning illuminates the dark gray sky. When the power goes out on the street, but at Rae's house it has already been out for the past 24 hours, due to the one bill she had to sacrifice in order to pay the Hospice bill instead. She awoke from the clash and rattle of the thunder, sitting up lethargically in bed with the duvet tangled around her legs in the silent stillness of her room. All she wants to do is go back to sleep buried under the covers and allow the rain to lull her back into dreamland. 

She can't. Can't because its one of those days when reality hits harder than necessary; filled with pessimistic thoughts, rude strangers and red traffic lights,. Misleading puddles deeper than they looked, and crap coffee and cold tea. Those days when the hospital feels colder than usual, when another innocent soul is called up to the Heavens, traveling on the wings of angels. When the little twins grow weaker by the day. When a little blue eyed boy could no longer fake a smile and ignore the pain coursing throughout his body, bright eyes now dimmed and watery to match the London weather. When he is just too weak, too exhausted to even shift his small legs.  
  
Raelyn had lived through plenty of those days for the past three and a half years, not becoming any easier each time. Like sitting next to her sick brother's bed in a children's hospice surrounded by children of the same likelihood was ever an easy task in itself. No, those days were never easy and this gloomy day isn't any different.  
  
"Make it stop, Mummy." Ronan's mumbles weakly. He is tucked under the white sheets with his blue stars and spaceships blanket over him. Cuddled in his arms is his stuffed Stitch, half the size of him.  
  
"I'm trying, baby." MaryAnn coos gently running her hand along the soft bare skin of her sons head, placing loving kisses on his forehead. "I'm trying. You'll be ok. Mummy will make it go away. You're my brave little man."  
  
Rae is sat in the awful pink chair opposite of her mother, on the other side of the bed. She feels tightly wound, with her legs crossed, clenching together, one arm tucked closely to her stomach, hand gripping the fabric of her shirt. Her teeth are pressed together so hard, she is certain she's giving herself a well induced headache. But she can't let herself relax or settle, not with her other hand being held feebly by Ronan, otherwise her impending attacks would happen and she was lose it in front of her brother and mother. She never allows that to happen, no matter how painful the spasms that shoot through and grip at her chest are.

Her chest spasms are nothing compared to Ronan's pain, or her mothers. So no, she couldn't allow herself a moment of weakness, not in front of her small knit family. She has to be strong for both of them, like she has been. Especially her mother, who cries at night on the rare times she is home to do so. Who works so hard with long hours stretching through the night just to pay bills and barely get by. Her mother who feels incredibly guilty for having to leave her eldest child alone most of the time, and not spending enough of it, unwillingly of course, with her youngest.  
  
Rae had seen her mother receive the news about her baby, her only son. Had seen her fight and cry and go through a divorce while still juggling a sick child, a teenager and the denial of the lowly, scum of Hell, bastard of a man that used to be her husband. So Raelyn has taken it upon herself to be silently strong for her mother. To be there for Ronan when she couldn't and reminds him of how much their mother loves him, to put a smile on his face.  
  
Raelyn is breaking, however. She can't hold back her emotions much longer. Her body had begun trembling in her chair, having nothing to do with the temperature of the room, or the chill of the cold rain. It has everything to do with the heartbreaking words Ronan keeps whimpering and her mothers promises to him.  
  
"Sissy...sissy..." Ronan now cries in her direction, eyes wide and terrified. "I don't like it. Ra-Ra. Can you sing to me, pwease?"  
  
The room suddenly begins to slowly spin around her, a sure sign of her panic. "Will that make you feel better, Bud?" Rae questions softly, untucking her arm and lightly stroking his skin with her freed fingers.  
  
Ronan simply blinks up at her. She takes a deep breath, ignoring the now painful clenching in her chest and trying to keep her breathing under control for just a few more minutes.  
  
_"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high._ __  
_There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby._  
_Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue_  
_And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true._  
  
_Someday I'll wish upon a star_  
_And wake up where the clouds are far behind me._  
_Where troubles melt like lemon drops,_  
_High above the chimney tops,_  
__That's where you'll find me."  
  
"Angels." Ronan interrupts quietly.  
  
"What?" Both Rae and her mum ask, shooting frantic looks at each other.  
  
"You sound like angels, Ra." Ronan fights out a brief smile. "Mummy said angels can make you feel better. That's what you sound like...I'm sleepy."  
  
Rae just stares at her brother closing his eyes, stilling smiling, and no. She can not bare it any longer. "Mum." She breathes, desperately pleading with one word.  
  
Her mother nods in understanding. "It's okay, darling. You can leave."  
  
Rae is quickly out the door, after a chaste kiss to Ronan's forehead, speed walking through the halls and hoping to reach her little hiding place before anyone can see her. She's panting, short frantic little puffs of air, her hand digging at her chest as the waves crashed over her, tossing her internally. She come to her destination, falling forward and clutching at the cool marble window sill, now gasping for the air that seems too thin around her. She tries to get a hold of herself, fighting the memories of her nightmares and negative thoughts, long enough to think clearly. She feels the weight of her phone in her pocket and with a bit of miraculous clarity, digs it out. With shaky fingers she pulls up the correct contact and hits send. It rings three times before he picks up.  
  
"I'm sorry I know you're busy and I shouldn't be calling, but like, I'm honestly pathetic and I can't talk to my mum. She can't see me like this because she'll just worry more and she doesn't need that right now and I don't want to be a burden to her or you, but like, I think I'm- I'm wigging out and I can't. I can't do this right now, anymore. I can't go back in there and pretend everything is okay and smile and laugh and force him to believe he's okay. That I can make the pain go away and make him feel better and get better but I can't. Because I'm not God or a doctor or anything special and all I can do is sit there and sing to him but that doesn't help and I think he knows. God, he knows it and I just can't take it anymore and I'm having a-a panic attack and oh my God-I-I can't breathe." Rae gets out in just two short breaths.  
  
"Bloody hell, Raelyn." Louis says, concerned . "In and out. It's alright, love. Just in and out."  
  
"I-I-I can't....Louis I can't do this-"  
  
"Yes. Listen to me. Yes you can. Take a deep breath, in. Now out. See. Just like that. Again."  
  
"I can't-"  
  
"Raelyn. In and out. In for two, out for two." Louis coaches calmly. "Thatta girl. You're doing great, love. Keep doing that and close your eyes. Just, don't listen to anything around you, don't listen to your thoughts. Just hear my voice, yeah? Breath and count. Good. You're going to be alright. You're such an amazing sister, Rae. Ronan is going to be just fine. I bet he'll be back to coloring quirky little doodles again and begging Niall to teach him guitar in no time. He's a strong boy. He takes after his sister. Brave and strong. It's going be alright."  
  
Louis continues to encourage her and it takes him at least 20 minutes to completely calm her down. Down to where her breathing is nearly normal and he can no longer hear her panic. He even started to sing her favorite song, learning she has a thing for Ed Sheeran a while back and that  <i>Give Me Love</i> has this power to instantly settle her heart. It was mentioned in passing, one of the answers to Liam's questions during one of their regular lunch breaks. She's a bit surprised that Louis remembers that fact about her.  
  
"Louis?" Rae speaks quietly after he finishes the song. Voice timid and small.  
  
"Raelyn?" Is his response, just as soft.  
  
Rae hesitates. She tends to be needy and crave some kind of comfort after her attacks, but confessing her next thought is rather nerve-wracking. "I wish...you could...could be...I." She inhales deeply, swears she hears Louis do the same. "Is it too much to ask if you can maybe. I just need-"  
  
"Yes." Louis cuts her off gently. "I'll come get you, Rae."  
  
If Louis' understanding of what she needs completely calms her and pulls out a tiny relieved smile from her, she is quite okay with that.  
*

  
  
He shows up ten minutes later, barely greeting Rae when she pulls him in front of her and hides behind his back she she stirs him towards Ronan's room. He does a quick check through the window before taking Rae's hand in his, and leading her into the room. Her fingers move to the sleeve of his jumper, gripping the material as her mother informs her that Ronan's pain had passed, a bright, tired smile on his little face when he sees Louis.

As Louis pulls silly faces and tells a silly joke to make her brother giggle, all she can think about is that Ronan is fine. For now at least, thanking God for it just being a little pain and nothing worse; like the condition Alexis and Amanda are in currently. She shakes her thoughts away because she doesn't need another panic attack. Rae bends over to kiss and hug Ronan while her mother pulls Louis aside, her fingers finally releasing his sleeve.  
  
It's when they exit the Hospice walking out to the car park and stopping in front of Louis' car, does he turn and gives Rae the most comforting, and strong hug he's ever given her. His arms are tight around her shoulders and waist, one hand buried in her hair at the back of her head, keeping her face against his shoulder as she grips onto his back. She needs it. Needs the tight, almost suffocating hold that ties her metaphorical ship down. Louis is warm, if not a little damp from the rain that finally lightened up, and he smells like the lingering embers of fire and tea and rain. She revels in the fact that he just _knows_ this is exactly what she needs. Like he knows how lonely she gets, how alone she is when she panics, mainly because she hides it from everyone else, hold in her burdens and worry until it breaks through just like today.  
  
They finally, reluctantly pull back from each other, Rae offering a sheepish smile in return to Louis' kind one. He carefully places his right hand on her chest plate, like he can feel the heat of her marks on her skin through her shirt. He says nothing, and drops his hand. He opens the door for her, gets in himself after she's safely buckled and backs out of the car park. It's silent in the car, both not seeming to mind the quiet company of each other, listening to the rain putter on the roof of the car and against the glass.  
  
"You know," Louis is the first to break the silence, "Harry tried shoving his inhaler through my phone. Said you needed it more than him."  
  
Rae hides her smile behind her hand, looking over at Louis. He's got his own smile and returns her look when stops at a red light. "He would." Is her response, fondly shaking her head. "He's sweet."  
  
"He's an idiot." Louis deadpans.  
  
"A sweet idiot and you love him and I love him. The whole galaxy loves him because he's Harry and tries to force objects through a phone to help someone in need. Tell him I said thanks."  
  
Louis agrees wholeheartedly. "You can tell him yourself. I'm bringing you to mine...if that's alright?"  
  
Rae blanches, then shivers. "Did I interrupt something?"  
  
"Not at all. Just a bit of a lads day."  
  
"Sorry-"  
  
"None of that, Rae." Louis jumps when the car behind him honks. He cruses and goes back to paying the road attention. Rae just laughs under her breath and reaches to turn up the heat. "Why so cold?" Louis asks, turning left then sparing a glance over at her.  
  
"Heat's off at mine." Rae answers before she realizes she just opened room for more questions.  
  
"How come? It's bloody freezing today." Louis is frowning, she can see it in the tilt of his mouth.  
  
"Because...the sun isn't out?"   
  
Louis shoots her a skeptical look. "Raelyn..."  
  
"It's been turned off." She mumbles, sinking down in her seat.  
  
"Why's that? It's nearly winter. You'll freeze your bollocks off."  
  
"I don't have bollocks thank you very much. It's off because I- well. I didn't pay the electric...I couldn't. Ronan's hospital bill was higher than last months because of some new testing, so I had to give up something. Figured I could just work more hours and pay it in a few days."  
  
Louis pulls up to a nice looking complex, hidden away from public eyes, parks, then turns to look fully at her. "Are you mad? You already work over full time hours. You hardly have time to visit Ronan anyway. How do you have time to eat or sleep or-"  
  
"I don't." Rae states nervously.  
  
"Don't...don't what?"  
  
"Sleep....often. I mean, I sleep but not...like, normally?"  
  
Louis' mouth drops a fraction.  
  
"I cant! It's not like I want to stay up all night and stare at my ceiling. I have this nightmare and I just can never go back to sleep and-stop looking at me like that!"  
  
Louis shakes his head, and fixes his expression to concern. "Point is," He waves his hand around, "I don't think you should work more than you already do. It's insane."  
  
"How'd you suppose I pay bills, Louis? I can't just lounge around my house all day. I'm not some lucky, international popstar-"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
The second the words leave her tongue, Rae slaps her hands over her mouth, eyes wide and regretful, Louis' looking at her with a well deserved offended expression.  
  
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it in that way." Her words are muffled behind her hand.  
  
There's a tighness around the corners of his mouht, like he's biting back a retort. Louis seems to think it over, and suddenly his annoyance melts away. He reaches up to pulls her hands away, squeezing her fingers in forgiveness. "Don't worry about it, Rae."  
  
She refuses, shaking her head. "I'm just didn't want anyone to find out how much we struggle sometimes. I have to take those hours."  
  
"But not more hours, love. You'll crack."  
  
"Apparently." She huffs.  
  
"Nope. I said don't worry about it. You've had a rough day. I understand." Louis smiles brightly at her. Smiles and pulls his cross eyed face until she's at least smiling back and not looking so guilty. "I can help you, you know. I mean, I am an international-"  
  
Rae's eyes widen when she realizes what he's getting at. "No. absolutely not. No way."  
  
Louis protests. "Rae-"  
  
"I will not, Louis."  
  
"If i just lend you a little-'  
  
"No! I can't accept any money from you. No."  
  
"Raelyn-"  
  
"Louis, please." Her annoyance flares. "I appreciate it, really, but I could never. Now. Are we just going to sit here and admire the outside of your flat or..."  
  
Louis dramatically returns Rae's hands by dropping them into her lap, rolling his eyes. Rae hip checks him once they're entering the flat, silently letting him know that their little argument meant nothing and they're still good. Louis disappears for several minutes after her makes her a cup of tea instructing her to stay put in the kitchen. He doesn't come back, but instead sends in Harry who proceeds to pull her towards the sitting room and double checks to make sure she no longer needs his inhaler. Niall passes her a beer, insisting for her to just relax and watch him kick Liam's arse in FIFA.  
  
Rae ends up falling asleep an hour later, her body slumped and leaning against Louis' side, her feet resting on Zayn's lap. If the boys talk quietly over her about the pictures in the magazines (Louis forgets to apologize) and tease Louis restlessly about him dropping everything to pick her up, then so be it. They didn't have to know that he ended his call with his girlfriend to answer Rae's and he doesn't feel guilty about it for one second.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3


	18. A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thanks for reading. Second, if anyone read my little comments, thank you for baring with. For instance, this was the comment I left when I posted this chapter the first time.  
>  _"I do not. Like. This chapter was hell. Why? Because I was typing and editing and merging chapters together to form this long one (4,000+ words) and THEN MY FUCKING COMPUTER WAS LIKE HEY LET ME RESTART FOR NO REASON. I about flipped everything in my house. like, I cried. Cried those "are you fucking kidding me" tears of blood because all my fucking hard work, right? But thank you the program I was using while I typed because it SAVED IT ALL. Now here it is. It is 4:44 fucking am. Goodnight. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did not."_
> 
> Now here's the chapter. (yes, it's a Panic! At the Disco song)

Rae knew it was coming, in fact, she felt it coming. Despite all her precautionary medicines, vitamin C and these little Zinc chewable pills that swears fights of the beginning symptoms, she still catches a cold. She felt it two nights ago, when she was working and suddenly felt a tickle in her throat when she talked to Evan, who yet again was there trying to convince her to go on a date with him. Tea hadn't worked, she had no time to sleep it off because sleeping it off meant taking off of work and taking off of work meant even more bills unpaid. Which meant that the heat was still shut off even though their electric was turned back on. She also, again, declines the date offer and drives herself home because Jasper would rather her take care of herself than cough all over his hard cooked food. Even though he forced her to go home, he sent her with several takeout containers of his homemade, chicken noodle soup.  
  
So by the time Friday rolls around, it's a full on head cold (at least that's what she tell herself because it cannot, absolutely can _not_ be anything worse than a head cold, though it feels a lot like the flu). Her nose is stuffed up, and she swears it feels like knives lodge in her throat whenever she talks or swallows. Her head feels clogged and muffled, like someone shoved cotton balls into her ears until they filled her brain. Her neck and shoulders ache, and she would much rather be buried underneath her blankets at home by the fire in the sitting room. Sure she has no heat, but fire is heat in itself and that'll always do for her.

However, she made a promise to read to the kids during story time, so she sits in her car, willing herself to suck it up. Because no matter what, her pain, the aching muscles and headache, her sickness, the stuffy nose and knife lodged throat, never compares to that of Hummingbirds patients. Rae makes it as far as the main doors to the Children's ward of the terminally ill, when she's stopped. Doctor Ramsy was just coming back from his lunch break when he sees Rae, and immediately knows.  
  
"Raelyn," He reprimands, "you know better to come here when you're sick."  
  
Rae blanches. "I'm not...that sick. Just a case of the sniffles." She talks through the pins in her throat.  
  
Doctor Ramsy fixes her with an incredulous look. "I'm sorry, Rae. I have to send you home."  
  
"But I promised them I'd read today! I haven't seen Ronan for two days because of work. He needs me and I promised!"  
  
"He'll be just fine, but not if you walk in there like this. Their immune systems aren't strong enough to fight off even a small cold. I'm sorry."  
  
He right, she knows it. Rae groans; mainly because she's being denied access, but also because her neck and shoulders start aching worse, and she feels the coming of a cough. She hangs her head and sits down on one of the chairs in the lobby. Doctor Ramsy apologizes once more, then disappears through the doors she's forbidden to go through. She's a bit of an idiot for trying anyway.

*  
  
Liam rounds the corner and spots her first, the boys just arriving to the Hospice and chatting animatedly about how they were sneaky enough to lose Paul again. They're in a secured place, and don't feel the need to be babysat each time they visit. The weather has been much more chilly following the rain, the sharp bite of winter just around the corner, so they're still in the process of shrugging off their coats when he sees her hunched over.  
  
"Raelyn?" Liam questions worriedly, heart just beginning the beats of panic.  
  
Rae's head is in her hands on the side of her face. She sounds like she's sniffling, which causes for more concern. She glances up when she hears her name. She looks so pale and her skin shines under the lights, making the dark circles beneath her eyes to deepen into shadows. Her mouth is partly open, breathing through it while sniffing her nose. She looks horrible, in the nicest way possible. Before any of the boys can ask, before their panic really starts to sink in and fear the worse, which isn't the first time, she speaks.  
  
"Doctor Ramsy refuses to let me in." Rae tells them, voice muffled and strange. Like she's willingly trying not to speak using her vocal chords.

  
There's an unspoken, inwardly collective sigh of relief, then Louis steps around Liam, crouching down in front of Rae. "Are you sick?"  
  
"No." She mutters unconvincingly.  
  
Louis places the back of his hand over her forehead, frowning, then turning it over so his palm rests against her clammy skin. "I think you've got a fever, Rae."  
  
Rae begins to shake her head, stops and groans. "I promised him..."  
  
Liam places his coat around Rae's shoulders, adjusting it properly. Despite Louis saying she has a fever, she's shivering and he doesn't think it's from the chilly weather. Or from Louis' cold hand, which he has yet to remove from her forehead.  
  
"Maybe you should take her home, Lou?" He suggests quietly. He slowly rubs his hands up and down her arm, now covered by his coat.  
  
"No. I promised I'd read to them." Rae protests, voice becoming weaker by the second. She attempts to turn her head toward Liam on her right, which only causes her to grimace and Louis' hand to shift.  
  
"We'll read to them." Harry offers kindly, crouching down next to Louis. "I can even do those little voices they like." 

Rae starts shaking her head again, so Louis places both of his hands on her cheeks, stopping her movement and swiping his thumbs under her eyes. "You are burning up, Raelyn." Louis tells softly. "Let me take you home, make you tea. You have to rest to get better. Ronan will understand."  
  
"Did you drive here?" Zayn questions, sitting in the chair next to her. His eyes, Louis notices, are softened around the edge, clear anxiousness shinning in the color of his irises; he has become quite fond of her lately. They all have.  
  
Rae dips her head a tiny fraction, attempting to pass as a nod. Her face still held in Louis' hands, who doesn't seem to want to let go. "My car-"  
  
"Hey, don't worry about it." Louis smiles reassuringly, "I'll get you home safe and sound. Up you get."  
  
He carefully pulls Rae to her feet with the help of Harry, Liam and Zayn, all steadying her as she wobbles a little. She goes to return Liam's coat, who just holds his hand up saying she can keep it for now. Niall offers to help her down to the car park, the other three boys wishing her better soon. The lift down takes several minutes with people coming and going. By the time they reach the ground floor, Rae is practically leaning on Niall for support.  
  
"Jesus Christ, you're really sick." Niall states, gripping Rae's waist tighter as she stumbles again.  
  
"M'dizzy." She mumbles, clutching at Niall's shoulder. "Don't leave me..."  
  
"Louis' got you, see?" Niall nods over to Louis opening the passenger door for her. "He'll take real good care of you."  
  
Rae makes a sound in her throat, turning into a cough as Niall lowers her into the seat. He buckles her in and kisses her hair before he shuts the door. Him and Louis bid each other goodbye, then Louis drives off, Rae already dozing off against the window.

  
*  
  
  
Once Louis settles Rae on the couch in her sitting room, finding extra blankets and covering her shivering body, she insists that Louis goes home. He refuses, commands her to stay put otherwise he'll put salt in her tea. She weakly flicks him off and snuggles deeper into the cough, pulling the blankets up to her nose. He watches her for a moment, mainly to make sure that she isn't going anywhere.  
  
Louis digs through the kitchen, opening cupboard after cupboard until he finds the mugs and tea bags. It's the first time he has actually been completely inside the house. He puts the kettle on the stove, then sets to find any sort of medicine. He keeps an eye on Rae, who hasn't moved an inch but softly groans every few minutes. She's right though; Louis got her home safely and all tucked in on the couch, he should go home.  
  
But her house is empty, and just a tad bit depressing from how lonely it seems to always be. Lonely when Rae had mentioned how much her mother works and the only time Louis actually met MaryAnn it wasn't even in their own home. It's bloody freezing was well, Louis guessing that their heat never turned back on, or the fact that both women are hardly home to even light the idle wood in the fireplace. There are several dishes in the sink, scattered mail cluttering the counter top, and a bowl of what looks like half eaten soup at the little table just right of the kitchen.  
  
Louis' got things to do; a busy schedule that honestly only consists of visiting the Hospice and a writing session...and probably that radio interview he's got for later in the day. Though none of that matters because he can not simply just leave Rae alone in her cold, empty house. Not with dirty dishes and daunting letters with <em>Final Notice</em> stamped in red on the envelops. She's sick, possibly with the flu if her fever shoots up, and all Louis wants to do is take care of her. Let her know that she doesn't have to be alone anymore, that someone will bring her tea when she's sick and will willingly drive her car home so she doesn't end up crashing.  
  
He hears Raelyn cough just then, a chest deep cackling rattle, followed by a muffle groan. The kettle whistling pulls Louis from his concern expression, taking it off the stove and pouring into the waiting mug. So no, Louis will not just go home, or back to join his mates at the hospice. He pulls his phone from his pocket, sends a quick text to Niall, then turns off his phone. His own work can wait.

*  
  
  
After the tea seeps for five minutes, Louis offers her the steaming mug. "Here you go, Rae." Helps her sit up. She accepts it with a groggy smile. "I've found some honey and put that in, s'good for your throat and the tea is ginger for your stomach. You know, in case your tummy is feeling sour. I couldn't find a thermometer, but I've got you a cold flannel instead and- what?" Louis cuts off his rambling because of this goofy little smile set on Rae's lips.

She blinks slowly at him, tilting her head until she grimaces in pain. "You are very sweet." She states, voice already losing its volume. "Thermometer is in the upstairs bathroom."  
  
When Louis comes back with the little white device in his hand, Rae is gone from the couch. He finds her in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. "Didn't I tell you to stay put?" He reprimands, crossing his arms.  
  
"Burnt my tongue." Rae answers, sticking out said tongue and looking like a little child. A sick, very pale, child. "And bills..." she gestures to the mail, "have to pay..." She sways on the spot, catching herself on the counter. "Louis..."  
  
Louis rushed over to her the moment she stumbled, one arm around her waist, the other holding her hand. "Let's get you upstairs, love. Bills can wait."  
  
The trek upstairs is slow, but they finally make it to her room. She insists on taking a shower first ("as long as it isn't too hot") and makes Louis promise not to leave just yet. In case she slips on soap and knocks herself out, it's highly probable. Louis heads back to her room, after he got voice confirmation that she was safely in the shower, with the cup of tea from minutes earlier placing it carefully on the bedside table. He was handed medicine from Rae, which he pours into the little plastic cup and sets it next to the tea.  
  
He then tackles her unmade bed, a common thing they share -why fix it if its just going to be messed up again- and in fact, straightens out the fluffy black and white duvet, awaiting for its sickly owner. There's not much else he can do besides wait for her to finish, so Louis' curiosity gets the best of him, opts to occupy the time by glancing up and looking around her room.  
  
He's instantly memorized by the details; four walls painted a light teal color, each section decorated accordingly to the different subjects Rae seems to have assigned them. The wall, where the length of her bed is pushed up against in the corner beneath the window, is littered with different shaped picture frames, all placed strategically to form a large block-shaped heart. The one connecting to the framed wall is branded with different pictures of famous landmarks from different countries, Paris seeming to be a running theme in that category; along with pictures of sunsets and rises.  
  
A white table desk that matches the nightstand, is pushed against the wall, with her laptop opened in sleep mode. The third wall is manly made up of her closet, sliding mirrored doors, with photo-booth strips taped along the sides. The last wall, opposite her bed is simple, decorated with pieces of artwork, all signed by the same person with a _VD_ swirled on each bottom left corner. Beneath the art is a black velvet circle chair, next to a black cushioned top trunk. Louis' eyes scan upward to the very top of the room, where the white ceiling meet the teal walls, where the soft glow of light catches his attention.  
  
Said source of light is a strand of Christmas lights strung along the entire room, casting tiny little spots of gold against the walls. Connected to the lights on the covered wires, between each little bulb, are strings. Strings that hang a few inches, with Polaroid pictures clipped to each end. It fits her, he thinks, if a room could fit anyone's personality perfectly. The three colors balance each other out and Louis think it may possibly balance out Rae, who seems to have a running theme of black and white with just a splash of color.  
  
Her dresser top filled with little trinkets and dried out roses, candles and a wooden jewelry box, sitting next to an Eiffel tower shaped lamp. A broken tripod leans against one of the corners, stuffed animals sat on the trunk, detailed cushioned pillows in the chair, and something beneath the bed poking out under the metal frame. He wants to push whatever it is back where it was most likely hidden from sight, when he sees a stack of printed Polaroids on the desk. So he occupies the rest of his waiting time by looking through them. He's on the last picture, an empty street with big tall trees with intertwined branches that hang over the road, when he hears Raelyn rasp out his name.  
  
"Alright?" Louis inquires, leaning lightly against the frame of the door.  
  
Rae has the door cracked opened, one of her blue eyes, popping out more in color against the smeared khol, staring straight at his own. "Forgot clothes." She mumbles, then turns her head to cough, followed by another groan. "M'dresser."  
  
"Right." Louis fidgets, because he's just about to go through a lady's dresser, also containing the articles of clothing worn underneath. Though he's made some crude jokes and not so appropriate antics with girls knickers, he's not willing to just do that now. He can be a gentleman when he wants.  
  
He sets to it, figuring the bottom would be the safest and pulls out a pair of blue joggers. The second one up holds some worn out t-shirts, grabbing a white one with the Spice Girls logo on it, and hesitates for the top drawer. He slowly pulls it open, only to find it filled with piles on piles of film rolls and memory cards and broken old cameras. Right, so it's the second to last top drawer then. He quickly opens it, feels around without looking and grasping what could possibly be a bra and pants, and closes it again.  
  
"Here you go." Louis announces, shoving his hand through the crack to present her clothes. He waits a minute before he hears a low chuckle that quickly turns into a round of coughs.  
  
"Lou..." Rae reopens the door so her face sticks out. "D'you look blindfolded? Last I've check-" she coughs again- "socks are not underwear." She coughs deeper this time, sniffles her nose and leans her forehead against the door. "They wont bite ya. Please Louis."  
  
"Sorry!" Louis apologizes, meaning it earnestly. She's looking worse by the second.  
  
He goes back once more, grabs the right undergarment (he is only a weak man after all and spares a curious glance just to make sure he didn't grab another pair of socks. He grabbed the right thing alright; a black and pink, lace up the sides pair 'same as a bikini' he reminds himself. And dear Lord, the girl is fucking sick to death and Louis will go to hell) and waits again.

Once Rae is finally dressed properly, she stumbles to her room and flops down on her bed. Louis gently forces her to take the medicine and at least have several sips of the tea before she's allowed to sleep. Despite her weak protests, Louis tucks her in, feels her forehead with a frown, then gently sticks the thermometer he found in her mouth. It beeps when it's ready, the little digital letters reading back to him at 37.8 Celsius. He's about to turn away, after wishing her a good rest and feel betters, when his hand is grasped tightly.  
  
"Stay..." Rae mutters, raspy, groggy and sleep heavy. Her eyelids dropping by the second. Louis nods, because how could he say no, but she's out before she can see it. He wasn't planning on leaving anyway.

*

  
  
Morning comes with a pounding headache and a nose so stuffed it wakes Rae up because she can't properly breathe. Her body feels weighed down and over heated and it takes her a good minute to realize it's her covers causing it, so she throws them off, only to cry out weakly as her muscles ache. She's sweaty, the short hairs by her temples sticking and curling to her skin, coughing something terrible that stabs at her throat and ears when she does. She sits up slowly, trying to remember how she got into bed when she finally spots someone lounging on her circle chair.  
  
" _Jesus. _" She hisses, only because he scared her, coughing her into her elbow. Her words sear through her throat and her heart is pounding against her chest when she sees Louis, staring alertly back at her, cup of tea in his hands. "How-why-" she coughs again -"ugh, idoncare."__  
  
Louis chuckles under his breath. "Brought you home from the Hospice, remember? You're quite sick."  
  
"Spotted." Rae deadpans, flopping backwards on her pillow. "You've been here all night?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
There's a pause before, "I asked you to stay, didn't I?"  
  
Louis clears his throat. "Yes...so I did."  
  
"Bloody mental?" Rae ask, sitting up again, this time a little too fast. The room spins around her.  
  
"'S'cuse me?"  
  
"I'm sick." Rae hears a hushed sarcastic "spotted" from Louis and chooses to ignore it. "You'll get sick t-" A coughing fit cuts off her words. God she's talking, why is she still talking.  
  
Louis comes to sit on her bed, handing her the mug of tea and urging her to drink. "Nah, I've got a great immune system, I do. Besides, we've got to get you better for Ronan."  
  
Rae makes a surprised sound against the mug, hurriedly setting it down on the night table. She makes an attempt to get out of bed, but Louis stops her by grabbing her bicep.  
  
"He's fine, Raelyn. Harry said he loved the story they read and he says for you to hurry back so he can give you his pudding cup to make you feel better." Louis recites the last part in his best Ronan voice. It at least has a smile tugging at Rae's lips before her eyes flutter.  
  
"Mmk...Lou..." Rae frowns, her voice gravely, "m'sick."  
  
Louis trails his hand up her arm, feeling up her neck, to her cheek, until he rests it in her forehead. "Fuck, you're burning up."  
  
He reaches for the thermometer handing it to Rae. But her eyes are closed and she looks so pale and meekly. So gently, he places it in her mouth trying to get her to hold it. Her fingers barely brush over Louis' knuckles before slipping down and loosely holding onto his wrist. The thing beeps several moments later, and Louis swears under his breath again. Her fever is now at 39, causing for some concern. He lays her back down an hurries to wet another flannel, soaking it with cold water. When he returns, he sees Rae shivering now under the duvet. He places the cloth on her forehead, carefully watching her face as her eyelids flutter again. She falls asleep before Louis tells her he's taking her to the doctor.

____

  
*  
  
Rae sleeps for two more hours, wakes up only to have Louis hand her her coat, slip on some warm socks and shoes and leads her into her car. With some reluctant info on which doctor's office she normally goes to and if she has any form of health insurance, he drives to the doctor, now both sitting in the waiting room. It takes fifteen minutes before Rae is called in, dozing off against Louis' shoulder as he figures out a way to inconspicuously pay for the bill. She insists he stays in the waiting area, twiddling his thumbs and listening to the news report, until she comes out another 20 minutes later. Rae is clutching a hand at her throat and giving the doctor who walks out with her a rather heated look, or what would be heated if the heat wasn't already gathered up in her forehead. She goes to pay, only to be declined and told that her friend she came with already paid. She glares at Louis for all of two seconds before promptly leaning against him as they walk out, a slip for prescription medicine in hand.  
  
Louis learns she does indeed have the flu and the look on Raelyn's face when she came out was due to the Strep Throat test the doctor insisted on doing. Rae informs her mother as Louis stands at the counter of the drug store getting her medicine. He takes her back home and she only makes it as far as the couch before passing out after taking the medicine needed. She's curled up against Louis, head resting in his lap, looking like a little bundled up kitten beneath the duvet he dragged from her room. He knows she sick, knows that he could actually catch the flu from her at any minute, but he honestly doesn't care.

Not with the way she curls one hand under her chin as the other rests against his thigh. or the way her nose scrunches up when he makes her drink the throat coat, or the way she smiles a little because the medicine tastes like bubble gum. Or the way she seems to reach out for him, like shes reassuring herself that Louis is indeed still there and hasn't left. He figures Rae has some form of abandonment issues for her to keep checking, having seen it in himself when he was younger wither his own father, than his step-father. Figures maybe, Rae's reasoning is the same on the father aspect; he hasn't seen any pictures nor hears any mention of her father besides that one time in Ronan's room three months ago.  
  
Halfway through the third Harry Potter movie Louis found on the telly as he flipped through channels, Rae stirs. Well, no really. Rae doesn't just shift in her sleep, she full on jerks, her once relaxed curled up hand jumps to her chest and her eyebrows furrow so deep Louis is sure it'll leave premature wrinkles. Rae has mentioned having nightmares before, this being the first time Louis sees it in action and tries to gently wake her up. Pull her out of whatever depths her mind is playing tricks on.  
  
"Raelyn," He nudges her softly, taking her hand away from her chest. He carefully pushes back her hair, damp at the roots because she's sweating again and she has a fever, her skin warm and clammy. "Rae, wake up."  
  
It only proceeds to make her toss and turn and Louis has to quickly grab hold of her so she doesn't fly off the couch onto the wood floor. He tries again, lightly tapping her cheek and saying her name a little louder. Of course, Rae finally wakes up, but its during the scene in the movie where Harry tries to save and defend Sirius from the Dementors, all dark and horrible soul-sucking sounds. Rae gasps sharply, bolting up and fighting off Louis' hands like he himself is a Dementor or whatever it is in her dream that's causing her to completely freak out.  
  
"Don't take him." Rae repeats in a mantra, words running together into one, shaking her head back and forth.  
  
Her voice is weak, raspy, and her working herself up like this can not be good for already weakened health. So Louis takes hold of her face, pressing his forehead against hers. Who cares if he gets sick, he doesn't give a flying fuck if he does because bringing Rae back to reality is what's important and not somem 39 celsius fevered flu. It takes two minutes to finally get her to come back to him, lots of encouraging words and gentle strokes of his thumbs. His voice being the only thing she listens to and not whatever is in her head. To focus on him and him alone, and he'd like to think, in a spot of not knowing what else to do, that his tender kiss on her forehead -her skin burning beneath his lips- that brings her back.  
  
"Off." Rae whispers, eyes flickering to the TV, which had already turned off, figuring the darkness of that scene wouldn't help the situation; if he only knew how close it was to her actual nightmare.  
  
"It's off, it's gone. It was only a nightmare, yeah? It can't hurt you." Louis tells her softly, dropping his hands to her shoulders. "Y'Alright?"  
  
She nods once, both hands clutching his shirt and leans forward. The hug is a little awkward, what with her face pressed firmly into his chest and his arms at weird angles on her back. She stays like that for all of five seconds before she is shoving Louis back, springs up and dashes into the bathroom, just in time to be sick in the toilet.

  
*  
  
Louis stays. He takes care of Raelyn, brings her tea, gives homemade soup that Harry brings over after inquiring her address from Louis, to which Harry tells Rae that it is perfectly okay if she doesn't want to eat it right now. He also brought along a brown paper bag the soup was in, consisting of little things each boy put it. Liam, a packet of saltine crackers and all types of ginger based things; soda, snaps, tea, roots, powder. Zayn dropped in his favorite movie to watch when he gets sick, _10 Things I Hate About You _, which doubles as his guilty pleasure that no one but the boys know about and "It's a bloody good movie and severely underrated, so fuck off". Niall put in a mini bottle of whiskey with a hand written note saying to add just a shot or two to a steaming hot cup of tea, should sweat the fever right out and give you the best nights sleep.__  
  
Rae's internally grateful, after she calls them all absolute dorks for caring so much about her. She skips both the soup and crackers, but sips at the ginger soda while curled up once again watching the movie Zayn gave. Apparently young Heath Ledger makes her heart swoon and she feels better enough to just finally call her mother and give her to details of her sickness. Both Harry and Louis don't go back home until Rae is snuggled up in her bed, an empty cup of whiskey tea on her nightstand, and her mother thanking them sincerely, ushering them out only because she cares and doesn't want them to catch what her daughter has.  
  
Louis thinks, as Harry drives them home, he'd probably catch the flu anyway, due to hardly leaving her side and kissing her forehead in the aftermath of her nightmare, which he probably shouldn't have done. He realizes he just spent a good 36 hours with a sick Raelyn, not minding one bit. Its a bit of clarity to him, when he realizes that he absolutely does not like her. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. And if he just quoted the tenth thing on Kat's list of the 10 Things she hates about Patrick (which honestly is the 10 things she probably loves the most about him), then so be it. Because that's what happens when you spend a day with a sick friend, who he just realized he has feelings for.

____

He quotes romantic comedies. Fuck.

____

 

____

***

____


	19. Rae Doesn't Like Sleeping Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight warning for implied panic attacks and mentions of unintentioanl self harm

Rae has a secret. A small, not really important secret, but a secret all the same. When her house is dark and quite, when she gets home from a late night or double shift. When she comes back from the hospice after a long day, when her mother is still working and Kari is studying for upcoming exams and Liz is busy taking care of her four siblings. She hides it behind her smile, that mask she had crafted for years; Rae is lonely.  
  
Not the kind of lonely where she constantly craves for attention or even for someone to love in her other ways her family and friends can't. She's just lonely when it's quite. Which is more often than not; when the silence is so loud she can hear the buzzing of the stillness and her own blood pumping through her body. All she has are her thoughts. Her thoughts that swirl up a storm in her brain, dark clouds closing in on her. It's when the clouds close in on her (like that dark one that haunts her dreams) she begins to panic.  
  
  
Panicking all alone takes her a while to come back to herself. No one there to gently hold her hands, to guide her. To softly instruct her to breath; inhale, hold for two, exhale, out for two. It leads her to her bed a night, lying wide awake just staring at the ceiling and the soft glow of the Christmas light strung around her room. She can put music on, the soft notes of piano and acoustic guitars, but on those nights when she feels it the most, all it does is keep her up more. Tossing and turning, and sitting up, throwing off the duvet and sheets, organizing her room and photos, just to lay back down. Eyes exhausted and tired, rubbed raw, yet still stares up at the ceiling. Staring for so long without blinking, the light around the corners of her eyes slowly fade into dark shadows. Creeping over her vision until all the light vanishes.   
  
  
Maybe, just maybe that's why she can't sleep. After she blinks and realizes that the shadow was not of the Sandmans doing, but of her subconscious dreams seeping into her conscious state of mind. Some nights she doesn't want to fall asleep, for it brings her nightmare. Which has this fantastic habit of happening the night before a double shift. Her semi insomnia came whenever it felt like. The nights before a double shift, or an early morning visit to the Hospice to sit beside Ronan's during his eight hour chemo sessions. She just lies there until the sun breaks through the horizon and it's time for her to jump in the shower and get ready.  
  
She hates it. She hates the way she feels so alone in those moments. How her chest clenches with spasms when her thoughts are just too much to handle by herself. Her nails scraping her skin while she tries to stop the pain. It's the silence, really. It all comes down to the absolute silence. She loathes it the most. She hates that empty feeling, almost like she was abandoned and she can't figure out why. Like how she felt after her father left. How she felt after her cousins death, coming home from the funeral with dry eyes, but a mauled chest under her dress. As if they took parts of her without caring about the hole it would leave behind. Sometimes her anxiety would flare and all she wants to do is reach out for someone, anyone. She finds herself actually doing so at times, before realizing no one was there, and her hand clutching at a pillow. No one is there, just the silence screaming in her ears.   
  
  
Rae despises her secret.   
  
  
So maybe that's why she is currently trying not to doze off on Harry. He has been telling her a story about his radio DJ friend as he is cooking her an early dinner. She had a horrible nights sleep beforehand, laying awake in bed, just over her flu with the sound of a lingering cough. Her sickness kept her up, despite constant care from Louis and spiked tea either with whiskey.

Louis, after the fifth day of taking care of Rae, got a surprise visit from his girlfriend. Who apparently demanded that Harry let her in their flat, asking why Louis was out at such late hours. Which Niall, who was there at the time as well, countered with a _"Why the bloody fuck are you here at such late hours? Was Starbucks close and you had nothing better to do?_  
  
All according to Harry, who witnessed it all. Rae kind of loves Niall. She also felt really bad, didn't want to cause any tension or issues. Though Zayn let it slip one night that the tension in their relationship had been there long before Louis even met Rae. That they're all just waiting for the day it ends, and had sat there, biting her nail and trying to ignore the weird flutter in her stomach.  
  
So Louis sends Harry over to pick her up, as an apology, promising a real home cooked meal and not some canned soup and saltine crackers. She only agreed, if he would be her next photo project. Rae welcomed Harry's invitation warmly, grateful for him genuinely wanting to be her latest photoshoot subject. Something to do with various sizes of dimples, or beautiful body flaws or maybe just whatever he was cooking because it smells so good and she can't be bothered remembering in her current state of her sleep deprivation.  
  
Harry apologizes that Louis isn't there, explaining his absence due to a last minute date with his girlfriend. Of course. Rae had rolled her eyes, her sass leaking through. She couldn't be bothered, nor did she reprimand herself when Harry caught her. He just chuckled and seemed to agree. Then after posing for several pictures, he offers to cook her dinner because _"you look like you're going to fall over and break that camera of yours and then you can't sneak photos of Louis anymore."_

Rae just blinked at that and decided that Harry's knowledge of her developing crush (and whoa, did that thought come from no where, which isn't actually true. One can feels things for someone who willing takes care of you while bent over the toilet sick) could be ignored until the next day.   
  
She's exhausted by the time they finish shooting, mainly because Harry is an actual child and goofs off by posing differently at the last second. She thinks it's his way of cheering her up. So she snuggles up on the couch waiting for Harry to finish cooking that meal that was promised. When he is, he calls her out of her drift into dreamland. They eat, baked chicken and rice, because despite Rae swearing she feels fine, Harry's still on about her stomach being sensitive, with simple small talk. She offers to help clean up, but Harry just shoos her away telling her to ready her camera again.   
  
Rae indignantly heads upstairs into Harry's room, grabbing her camera on the bed and plopping down with one leg tucked under her. It was a mistake sitting down. Harry's bed is so unbelievably soft, with a velvety top duvet and fluffy pillows. It's just so inviting, calling out sweetly to her while the fingers of exhaustion pull her in deeper. Maybe if she just lays down for a bit, as Harry cleans, it wouldn't be so bad. She places the camera on the bedside table, and slowly fall sideways onto the pillows. 

*  
  
Harry finishes cleaning, turning on the dish washer, and grabbing the two cups of tea he brewed, then slowly treks up the stairs. "You only want a few more photos, yeah? How do you-" He cuts off mid sentence when he entered his room. A warm smile spreading across his lips, but was soon laced for utter concern of the girl in his bed.   
  
Rae is curled up, knees level with her hips, braided hair across the pillow behind her like twisted rope. One of her hands lay beside her face, crossed over the other which is gripping the duvet much too tight for someone who is supposedly asleep. She  _was_ exhausted and Harry knew it, saw it the second she opened the door for him. He thinks he ought to inform Louis of this concerning lack of sleep Rae seems to be getting, though that is more than likely useless, since he more than likely already knows. Which is why he was so adamant on sending Harry to pick her up. He did spend five days with her, and five days is a rather long time to just sit and read someone.  
  
Maybe it's all too much for her, Harry thinks, making his way quietly to her. He cautiously pulls back the duvet she is half laying on, now covering her body with the soft material. She does too much, carries too much, according to Louis. Two jobs, her photography hobby, paying bills with her mother and a little brother in Hospice, who she visits every chance she has. Harry gently pushed back her long bangs, turning to leave when a soft grip catches his fingers.   
  
"Stay?" Rae mumbles, her eyes fluttering open.   
  
Harry raises an eyebrow.  
  
"Um- I mean...please?" She stumbles, a little slurred due to exhaustion. "I don't like...like being alone. And Louis- he sometimes does, did when I was sick...but you don't have to. I just-" She cut herself off with a yawn, hiding her face in his pillows.   
  
  
"Yeah, Rae." Harry chuckles, "I'll stay with you. It's alright." He sits beside her on the bed, slowly rubbing up and down her arm. "Been having trouble sleeping?"  
  
  
"Haven't slept in two days." She confesses, snuggling deeper into the pillows, eyes slipping shut.   
  
  
Harry frowns. He definitely needs to tell Louis. "Why?"  
  
  
"Hmm? Dunno. Alone, don't like it. 'M sleepy."  
  
  
"Hush then," He chides gently. "Sleep. You can stay here tonight."  
  
  
"Lou-"  
  
  
"Would love if you stayed." Harry insists. "He quite likes you, Rae."  
  
  
"He quite likes his girlfriend." Rae says that much clearer, blue eyes popping open to find forest green ones.   
  
  
Sighing, fingers now tangling with ends of her hair, Harry starts with a "Barely-"  
  
  
"Shh. M'sleepy." Though as she says this, Rae can't close her eyes anymore. She doesn't want to. Not after suddenly remembering the reason for the two previous sleepless nights. She has that Dark Shadow nightmare again, each time waking up panicking. Alone. Panicking all alone in her dark, empty house.  
  
Harry must have noticed her change in expression, for he shifts a little closer and trails his fingers along her back, swirling around different patterns.   
  
"What wrong, Raelyn?" He questions quietly.   
  
"Don't want to sleep anymore." She says, attempting sit up.   
  
Harry isn't having it. "Oh no. You need to sleep, lovey. It's not healthy to stay up 48 hours straight."  
  
Raelyn shamelessly lets out a whine of protest, rolling onto her stomach, face pressed deeply into Harry's pillow with her arms buried under it. Harry doesn't miss a beat in his back tracing, new position only allowing it to be easier.   
  
"Why don't you want to sleep?"  
  
"Nightmares."   
  
"Ah." He sounds, then thinks for a moment. "Do you fall asleep to music?"  
  
"S'times."  
  
"I could sing something for you?" Harry suggests sheepishly. "Louis told me he sang while you were sick. I mean, I'm not Louis. Can't make you fall in love with me from just my voice-"  
  
"I hate you. Like, Grinch hating Christmas hate, right now." Rae talks into the pillow, pulling out her arm and flipping him the bird.   
  
"Lies. No presents for your birthday next week." Harry scolds jokingly. He grabs Rae's finger and puts it down.  
  
Rae pops her head up, eyeing him suspiciously. "How'd you know it was my birthday next week?"  
  
"Someone may have inquired that information from a certain little boy."  
  
"He's a stalker." She informs flatly, then replaces her head back on the pillow. "I do not love him, you absolute tit."  
  
Harry pokes her head. "Language," (Rae scoffs) "you feel something for him."  
  
Silence. Nodding because he knows he is undoubtedly right, he asks "Do you have a request?"  
  
Rae finally turns back over, allowing herself some air and settling her head back on the pillow. "Would it be awkward to sing an Ed Sheeran song?"   
  
"'Course not. Which one?"  
  
"Wake Me Up. Please?"  
  
"Sure." Harry gently pats her back in agreement. "Close your eyes, Rae, and just like- don't think of anything else, clear your mind alright? Just take a deep breath and listen to the song."  
  
Rae's eyes slip shut, trying to wipe her mind clean as best as she can, focusing on Harry's voice, crooning softly beside her. She sighs deeply, feeling her body shut down with exhaustion, and focusing on the rocky, soothing tone of Harry's voice. It must have worked, for she falls asleep before her favorite lyric.  
  
  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm. I like frienship developments.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3 I should get back to work now....


	20. Vinny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of a tribute...the past events/mentions/character is based on a true story...
> 
> Warnings: Mention of past suicide

Louis think he deserves some fun. After his girlfriend had surprised him, along with a date which didn't go as well as either of them hoped. The conversation felt forced, awkward. His smile was tight and her eyes kept drifting down to her phone. Which in return, he pulled out his own phone to see any update from Harry on Rae. Nothing. So he assumed that she was over the flu and accepted his lame apology. He got home later, much early than previous dates (they didn't even kiss goodnight), to an empty sitting room. When he checked Harry's room, Rae was fast asleep under the covers while Harry sat idly at his desk, scrolling through photos on the camera.  
  
A night where he realized, while lying in bed, he no longer really feels anything for her his girlfriend. It's strange, in a way where he thought he'd be more sad about, thought his stomach would hurt more and his heart would break. It doesn't. He only feels sad when he can't remember when it started or how it happened, but knows it was a long time coming. Sad and confused in a way that he's not very sad at all. Almost like missing something and he'd forgotten what he's actually missing. That maybe he wasn't really missing it in the first place and tried to feel bad about it. All in all, it wasn't a very good night.

So fun after a bad night was needed. What better way to have fun than baking for the upcoming annual bake sale Hummingbird Hospice does every late November. He grabs the neon blue flyer off the bulletin board and marches right up to Rae the next week, handing it to her as she plays Go Fish with Ronan. She explains they do it every year, and every year she bakes what she can to help out.  
  


Louis conveniently drops the flyer by Harry's jumper that he left on the table in the room. Coincidentally, Harry invites Rae over. Not Louis. Harry does because of that bake sale the Hospice is doing. Harry bakes. Rae bakes. Louis does _not_ bake so why would he invite her over. Just because he knew both Harry and Rae bake doesn't mean he walked right up to Rae and asked her if she'd be doing it again this year. It's not like Louis _knew_ Harry would be his gooodhearted self and extend an invitation. So in no way did Louis actually invite her over; he may have, sort of, possibly, more than likely, initiated it.   
  
Louis is sat on the opposite counter top of their shared kitchen, watching both Rae and Harry fondly. She accidentally pours the flour too fast, puffing up and splaying Harry on his chin. Her laugh is cut short when Harry flicks a bit of the flour in her face. Niall comes out of nowhere, more flour in his cupped hand and smacks it lightly on Harry's cheek. Rae laughs so hard, doubled over the counter wheezing out that he looks like he just made out with a box of doughnuts.   
  
"I thought the flour's suppose to go into the batter." Louis calls from behind them teasingly.   
  
Rae stands up, dipping her hand in the bag, and aims it at Louis, eyebrows raised and challenging. "I do not see you helping, sir. The true sign of a baker is having a little bit of flour on you."  
  
"You wouldn't dare." Louis taunts, hopping down into the floor.   
  
"It's true." Harry inputs, stepping sideways away from the pending attack.   
  
Rae smiles innocently at Louis, raising her arm, exposing the _To The Moon And back_ on her inner right arm, which also causes her oversize jumper to fall down her left shoulder. The red fabric is spotted with flour and a smudge of chocolate batter. Her hair has been pulled up into a loose bun, with short hairs falling around her face. Her eyes are shinning with mirth, deep blue with that one gold speck glistening under the kitchen lights. She is absolutely stunning, standing there with bits of flour falling from her hand, lips dark pink and pulled up into a mischievous smile. The last thing he sees is a flicker of a wink, before white powder is flung in his face. She's got good aim for someone standing ten feet away, her laughter ringing in his ears like it usually does.   
  
After Liam comes in to break up the mini flour throwing spectacle, but not before dipping his fingers in said flour and wiping it across Zayn's face, they clean up the mess they made of the floor. They pop in two cupcake sheets in the oven and set to work on red velvet cupcakes. Rae zones in her focus, watching as Harry carefully demonstrates how he does it. Louis is busy dusting off the last of the flour in his hair when Zayn speaks up.  
  
"Rae, what sort of tattoo is that?" Zayn inquires, staring at the back of her left shoulder.   
  
The top half of what looks like a very detailed tattoo, is peaking out from where her jumper had slipped. Rae's stirring of the bright red batter stops abruptly. She rests the spoon against the bowl, and without turning around, pulls her jumper down further, revealing the rest of the tattoo. It big, spanning from the top back of her shoulder, over her shoulder blade and ending where the back of her ribs start.  
  
A beautifully elegant dream catcher is etched on her skin, a few inches in diameter. The strings of the catcher weave in and out, with little colorful beads marking each intersection. Three other strings dangle feathers on each one, two smaller ones on the outside, with the middle being the largest. The feathers are carefully detailed and shaded perfectly, beads dangling from top of the feathers. It's a gorgeous piece of work, that obviously took a lot of time and concentration. Louis has seen it somewhere before.   
  
"Got it over a year ago," Rae explains quietly. "My uh-" she clears her throat and talks to the counter. "I really wanted another tattoo, wanted it to really mean something. Not to say that the others don't. I just didn't know what to get, but my cousin...he did. I have this nightmare some times, and it scares me. So Vinny brought up the idea of a dream catcher, said he'll even design it himself.

"He was such a talented artist, the best, and he drew it up for me. Said we can get it done for my birthday last year." She pauses to take a deep breath, and Louis notices her left hand gripping the edge of the counter, her right hand no longer in sight. "I called him the night before we were suppose to get it. He sounded excited, or I thought he did. Said he had to do something that night. Told me that he loves me and to give his kisses to Ronan. He-he...um...my mum got a call later that night. Vinny....he took his own life."  
  
Louis is pretty sure he can hear every one of their hearts drop to their feet. Gobsmacked and frozen. Until Louis launches himself across the room once he sees Harry pull Rae's hand away from her chest. But before he can do anything, Rae spins around, a bright smile on her lips and shrugs. She gently pulls her wrist out of Harry's grip.  
  
"Anyway, he designed it. It's wicked, yeah?" She asks, then turns back to pick up the spoon and begins stirring.  
  
All five boys exchange glances, because _what?_   Rae just showed a sliver of her heart, of the emotions that are actually pent up inside her, before she quickly put her mask back on, shooting them a smile likes it was nothing. _Oh, it all makes sense now._ The bag, and the photos and the evasive way she always skirted around that topic. The dream catcher above her bed in her room, the mini one above Ronan's bed at Hummingbird.  
  
A soft, sharp intake of breath snaps Louis out of his thoughts. Looking over to Raelyn again, he sees her stirring has stopped. However, Zayn is moving quickly, placing a hand over hers on the spoon and helps her stir. The day continues and they all do their part in helping and baking more cupcakes, two different types of pies, and two giant batches of biscuits.   
  
If at the end of the day, when the last batch of peanut butter chocolate biscuits are cooling on the wire rack, Rae reaches out and grabs at Louis' elbow and smiles tentatively at him, then okay. Okay. He sees the storm back in her eyes, wraps his arms around her tight, just how she likes and holds her until she begins to tremble. She admits, with her face pressed into his shoulder, that she hasn't really spoken of Vinny since it happened. Informed Louis that her camera bag was an early birthday gift from him, and she just can't throw it away. The cross necklace was his, and she keeps it in her bag because all Vinny ever did was encourage her passion.  
  
Louis just holds her, one hand tangled in the ends of her hair, until Liam is walking into the kitchen with a troubled look on his face. He opens his mouth to say something, when Eleanor walks in right behind him. Louis' heart skips a beat, then realizes how perfectly fine and friendly this hug is. He is simply comforting a friend who can't seem to find it anywhere else. So he doesn't feel guilty when she raises a perfectly arched eyebrow at him, arms crossed.  
  
Rae seems to sense tension, and shifts her head to see who's standing there. Slowly, she detaches herself from Louis, smiling kindly, which, weird. Because Rae's thoughts and opinions have been anything but friendly involving Eleanor, but still. She smiles, extends her hand and properly meets Louis' girlfriend. The greeting is nice enough, no caddishness in either girls eyes. Rae thanks Louis, presses her hand into her chest for a few moments, before Liam takes it away and pulls her out from the kitchen.

***

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vinny is my cousin...when I wrote this chapter it had been four years. Reposting this chapter, it's now been six years.
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	21. Rae's Infuriating Habit of Thinking It Doesn't Matter

There are times when Rae just seems completely confused. As if she literally has to stop and stand still, trying to figure out someone's thought process. Three days after the baking fest is one of those times. Rae just stands there in her doorway silently, staring in disbelief at the little tan, white and gray fluffy creature in Louis' hands. He's holding it out as if it was a smaller version is Simba. She blinks once, finally breaking her gaze from the fur ball to Louis' eyes.  
  
"What, the bloody hell is that?" Rae asks slowly.  
  
"It's a platypus." Louis deadpans, then tilts his head. "It's a kitten, what's does it look like?"  


"I know it's a kitten, smartarse. Why on earth did you bring it here?"  
  
Louis shrugs. "I found him. All alone under a bus bench. Alone, crying and small. Alone." If Louis' point of the cat being alone is dawning on Raelyn, he can't tell.  
  
"Okay...so?"  
  
"So, I thought you'd love to take her in because I can't, especially not after I told Harry we don't have the means to take care of any living creature. We can hardly take care of ourselves and she was hiding from the rain and she's hungry and-"  
  
"Louis." Rae stops him firmly. "I don't want a cat."  
  
"But she's so cute." Louis brings the kitten to his chest, nuzzling his nose against the cats ear. "See, she's purring. Here."  
  
He quickly hands the kitten over to Rae who fumbles around for a good grip. There's a moment where the cat and her and staring at each other, intense and quite. Suddenly she looks away and holds the cat away from her body like its a bomb.  
  
"I don't want it."  
  
"Raelyn," Louis changes his tone, abruptly concerned about the standoffish way Rae's coming about.  
  
"No." Rae snaps, gently shoving the kitten back into Louis' arms. She meows in distress. "I said I don't want it. Now if you'll excuse me, I just need to get my camera, then leaving for the park." Rae turns around without bothering to close the door behind her.  
  
Confused, and a little downtrodden, Louis shuts the door for her and sets off to find the kitten a home. Who cares if he ends up driving back to his flat, and plopping the kitten right down on Harry's stomach while he's reading. He tells Harry they're fostering the cat until he can find her a home. Harry holds in his excitement and instead asks if everything's alright.  
  
"Something's off with Raelyn today." He answers, grabbing his football and heading back out. "I'm going to the park."

  
*  
  
Louis spots her on the bench beneath a huge tree, providing shade while she rearranges the contains of her camera bag. It looks as if several things had fallen out again from the rip, and she aggressively shoves every item back in. Louis hangs back, opting to watch her for a few moments. He's never seen her this way before; all frazzled and agitated, it kind of scares him. Though as he watches, he actually notices what she's doing physically, subconsciously. Her right foot is anxiously bouncing up and down, her hands are jumpy, and it takes her three tries to get the film in correctly. Her jaw is clenching and unclenching, and every ten seconds her hand presses down on her chest, rubs once in a circle, then continues to fiddle with her camera.  
  
Louis finally chalks it up to a bad day at the Hospice, that maybe something happened to Ronan; chemo went wrong, he's losing more strength, he isn't responding to treatment. Fear sears through Louis, and he realizes, like the idiot he is, that he shouldn't just be standing there. His feet move forward before he can register it.  
  
Suddenly, Rae stops all movement, takes a deep breath, shakes her head then exhales. All her emotions and anxiousness are gone, vanished. Almost like she put on a mask, hiding away her expression and feelings. Though that still doesn't halt Louis in his tracks. He reaches the bench and sits without permission. It's a publix park after all.  
  
"Is Ronan alright?" He asks softly, kindly because yeah, she can be mad, but he doesn't have any reason to be.  
  
"Yeah." Rae says quietly. "Yeah, he's good. He's fine. He has cancer, ya know, but he's good."  
  
Louis reaches out, attempting to give some comfort via his hands, but Rae just pulls her hand away before Louis can even touch it. Okay then. "Raelyn..."  
  
Rae flashes him a smile that nearly fools him. Nearly. If it wasn't for her eyes; they aren't brightening the way they usually do when she laughs, smiles. Instead, they remain the same blueish-gray. He notices her eyes change colour with her mood, like her irises are little moods rings they sell in shops at the checkout counters.  
  
"Honestly, Lou." She reassures. "He's fine. He has chemo today, but the doctor kicked me out because apparently I need rest and look like a raccoon. Do I look a raccoon to you?" She points her finger at the dark circles under her eyes.  
  
Louis frowns. The colour under her eyes are a deep purple, smudged with a faint dusting of kohl like she rubbed her eyes at one point. He tries to reach out again, and this time aces his hand on her cheek, thumb on the purple. Her eyes flutter.  
  
"Not a raccoon. Though you do look exhausted." He tells her honestly. It make sense now, her mood.  
  
"M'sorry."  
  
"Don't be. All you need is a good nights sleep."  
  
"No. I meant earlier. With the cat."  
  
Louis drops his hand away. "Oh."  
  
"I'm not sure where it came from," Rae starts, looking out to observe the kids playing in the park. "I guess the kitten just reminded me of something."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"A memory. It's silly."  
  
Louis stays silent, realizing she's allowing him another look behind that mask.  
  
Rae chuckles, shaking her head. "I had this boyfriend a while ago. We dated for a year, and he gave me this little black kitten for our sixth month, right? She was the most adorable thing. I named her Tea. Like black tea? It's stupid, I know, but she was cute. Then like, he just left? He took Tea with him and left because he liked someone else. Actually, he told me he'd been dating her the same time. Never told me, since him and I talked about us being exclusive three months in. But she loved cats, so he took Tea and broke up with me. Said he couldn't juggle two relationships." Rae ends by shrugging.  
  
_Shrugging_. She shrugged like it was no big deal. Louis realizes his mouth had been hanging open for a bit, so he closes it before he can embarrass himself by drooling all over his jeans.  
  
"What the fuck?"  
  
Rae finally give her full attention to Louis after his outburst. Which was loud enough for the kids in the sandpit to point and tell their parents that the man with the football between his ankles said a bad word.  
  
"Excuse me?" Rae questions indignantly.  
  
"Sorry, sorry, but..no. What?"  
  
"It isn't a big deal."  
  
"Not-not a big- how can you say that?" Louis is astonished.  
  
Rae simply shrugs again. "What? Is it not normal for your boyfriend of a year to leave without a word for a month, comes back only to tell me he's breaking it off because he's in love with some other girl he's been dating for a year as well? Takes me cat with him too."  
  
Louis can not tell if she's serious or not. All of Rae's puzzle pieces are starting to come together, fitting seamlessly into each other and finally creating the whole picture. A heart with several holes.  
  
"No!” Louis insists strongly, pulling himself together. "It's anything but normal."  
  
"It's fine, Lou." She sighs.  
  
"What? Why? I mean-" He takes a breath, exhaling slowly, trying to calm himself. "How is it fine?"  
  
"Hmm?" Rae is suddenly distracted by a young girl with a purple balloon, quickly bringing her camera up to snap a picture.  
  
"How is it fine for you? What he did to do. Leave you for someone else. _Cheat_ on you." Louis elaborates, watching as she twists the lens to zoom in. He waits several long moments, wondering how anyone could just simply brush off a year long relationship that ended with being left behind for another woman.  
  
Rae lowers her camera, and slings the strap around her neck. "People are always leaving me, Louis. I'm use to it by now." She stands up, motioning towards the swing set. "I'm going to ask her mum if I could take some close ups." With that, Rae sets off towards the little girl.  
  
Louis just sits there, staring after her, absolutely gobsmacked at her response. At her complete 180 mood spin. Raelyn brushed it off so easily, like lint on clothes chased away with the swipe of a hand. Louis thinks back to a week prior. Liam's suspicions were correct, coinciding with Kari's hints when they finally met her. Rae has some, for lack of better word, abandonment issues. Louis gathers all of the information he had stored in his brain, all coming together and making perfect sense.  
  
He recalls the time in Ronan's hospital room, watching the small TV play reruns of Full House, when Ronan suddenly blurted out he was like Michelle Tanner because she didn't have a mum just like he didn't have a dad. After an aloof and quick explanation from Rae about her parents divorce, Louis filed it away for later use.  
  
He remembers just the other day, after the little argument he had with his girlfriend, when Rae finally informed them about Vinny. Also, the spat didn't last very long because Rae came bounding into the kitchen in the middle of _"Why don't you just date her instead"_ claiming she just found a recipe for pumpkin spice cookies. She avoided Louis the rest of the time she was there, gravitating towards Zayn more than anyone else this time. Probably because they bonded over deeper meanings of their tattoos, and future designs for others.  
  
Louis can suddenly hear the casual conversation with her and Kari about an ex-best friend who had stole a guy Rae was dating, then decided to move out to Manchester with him. (Personally, Louis think Rae needs to pick better men to date.) Along with the joking manner of Rae teasing Kari for leaving her for Uni, and barely having time to visit now that she's busy with her own boyfriend.   
  
Then there's the topic of the matter now. Rae's last ex boyfriend, whom, from what Louis gathered, suddenly up and left her for a month without a word, only coming back to explain where he ran off to. Meeting with his supposed other girlfriend before getting together with her while still in a relationship with Rae. Who said he had only come back to break it off and take back the kitten he had gotten her for her birthday. Which now left the little fluffball Louis found with Harry.  
  
Louis absolutely despises the twat. He doesn't know him, doesn't even know his name, but he loathes him. Yet here's Raelyn now. Snapping pictures of the cute little girl and her balloon, putting on probably one of the greatest and skilled masks of happiness Louis has ever seen. He understands now. The reason for Rae's almost subconscious way of abruptly reaching out to anyone near her. The reason for the quick as a flash moments of panic whenever she thought one of the boys had left without saying goodbye, or went a week without any contact. Why when she asked for him to stay just a bit longer so she wasn't sitting alone in her empty house.  
  
It was all those little moments that passed so quickly, that betrayed Raelyn. It does bother her, more than she would ever let on. The mask she hides behind may have been pretty beforehand, but now all Louis can see are cracks beneath the eyes running along the cheeks where tears should be. He sees the withering color of pale blue turned into dark gray, exactly like her irises. The little chips around the edges and the sad, sad eyes peering out through the eye holes.  
  
Louis sees straight through her crumbling mask; beautifully broken.

  
*  
  
  
"Maybe she just didn't have strong feelings for him? Like a causal thing?"  
  
"They were together for a year. He stole her fucking cat, Harry!" Louis snips, throwing the spoon he used to stir his tea into the sink in anger. He'd been besides himself since he got back.  
  
"Fucking cunt." Niall cruses, directed towards the ex, with arms crossed and face red.  
  
"Right. Sorry." Harry mutters dropping his head on the table. "Stole her cat."  
  
Louis sighs, reaching over to card his fingers through Harry's curls in apology. The kitten Louis brought back earlier nudges her head against Louis' ankle.  
  
"It's just really sad, if you think about it. Heartbreaking, really." Zayn muses.  
  
When did Louis allow them all of come over? Certainly not when he was gone for an hour. So who invited Zayn over with his insightful words, as he likes to call it, and stating the fucking obvious. However, all of Louis' thoughts fade because he does love his boys, he just doesn't want to be reminded of how messed up the situation is.  
  
"Thank you, Sherlock, be sure to let Dr. Watson in on your intuitive observations of the obvious." Louis snaps.  
  
Zayn frowns, but due to deeper thoughts and ignores Louis like a crack in the sidewalk. Harry however, pushes lightly at Louis' thigh, his way of scolding, then pats the top of Louis' leg in understanding. Liam shoots him a look and Niall chuckles once.  
  
"Listen," Zayn continues, staring at nothing. "The past what, three, four years? That girl has been alone, lonely, abandoned, whatever you call it. She works more hours in a day than most people I know, besides our teams but even they get time off. She works herself into the night, she doesn't sleep or can't sleep according to your stories, Louis. Her mother is rarely around because she works her arse off to pay for bills and her son's treatment. Her best friend is a good three hours away at Uni. People she thought she could trust betray her and leave her for some reasons other than being selfish, heartless twats. I've heard nothing of her father, like he doesn't even exist. Her cousin, Jesus Christ, her cousin..." Zayn trails off shaking his head.

"My point is, I now see how she is the way she is. I understand it figuratively, to an extant. She's been reluctant to let anyone new in because- we have a break now but by next summer- you'll be gone."  
  
Louis doesn't miss the way Zayn singled him out of the group. He hates that, because they are a band together, not separate, they don't, can't, work that way. They hold each other gazes until it becomes too much for Louis and he has to look away. He rubs his hand down his fave, sighing loudly.  
  
"So," Louis begins softly, "what do I do?"  
  
Liam answers. "What you've been doing along. Whatever it is, Louis, it's been working. Just don't let her close those walls again."  
  
Louis nods, it's all he can do. The little kitten knocks her head against his ankle again. He bends to pick her up, cradling her to his chest, and kisses her furry little head.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want another cat and want to name her Pepper Potts.........except I already have two cats. One's named Loki (warning, please don't EVER name you cat after the god of chaos...because he will literally become Loki. I named him that because he was found and rescued after being tossed out of a moving car in rush hour traffic, dashed through the cars and made it to hide under a bulldozer. A friend of my best friend older bro found him. Police were called thinking he got hit by a car. He didn't, so basically, the police were called to rescue a cat. That's Loki.) And the other is Blue....from Jurassic World...she was shoved down a sewage drain. My best friend and I are dorks.


	22. I'm Not Your Biggest Fan...Papa-Paparazzi

On a few occasions, Louis has felt blessed to see the bright, and possibly rarest smile to ever grace Raelyn's lips. This smile tends to light up her face, with crinkles collecting at the corner of her eyes. It makes said eyes sparkle like ocean waters when the sun reflects off it, glittering and blinding Louis to the core. She looks so bubbly that she's practically floating away on her smile and Louis swears she has a slight bounce in her step as her flat boot-clad feet pad down the hallway. Her teeth flash white, with her pink tongue peeking through them, and Louis' heart flutters for a moment at how beautiful she is. She's the happiest he's ever seen her at Hummingbird.  
  
Rae basically skips right up to him and Niall, never minding personal space at the exact moment. She grins with the grace of the Cheshire cat and Louis finds himself wishing he could see this happiness in her every day.  
  
"Hi!" Rae greets brightly, her eyes lingering on Louis'.   
  
Louis chuckles. "Hello. What's got you so uppity?"  
  
"You're happier than me on St. Patrick's day." Niall points out, his smile almost matching Rae's.   
  
"As in surrounded by food and booze and joyous mates, not to mention several pots of gold?" Rae teases.  
  
Niall laughs heartily, pulling Rae into a rather tight hug, that Louis hopes is nothing but platonic. But he doesn't even feel a twinge of misplaced jealously, because this is Niall, who's embracing an ecstatic Rae and who could ever be jealous of such a jubilant sight. (So much different from that stupid stalker diner guy, who decided to give Rae an early birthday present, a little single rose and chocolate covered espresso beans. Rae thanked him kindly with a hug and Louis, who went to visit late at night again, nearly embedded his fork into the bloke's head, before Liz quickly yanked the utensil from his raised throwing arm.)   
  
When Niall finally releases her, she sets her eyes back on Louis. "Ronan is allowed to come back home for a week!" She informed them happily. "A week! He'll be home for my birthday!"   
  
"That's amazing, Rae!" Louis exclaims, now throwing his arms around her, and if his stomach sets free several butterflies, he pays no mind.  
  
"This rarely happens! Like ever. Last time he came home was over a year ago." Rae says into Louis' shoulder, hand gripping his shoulder blades briefly. Anchor. He is her anchor caught on a solid rock.  
  
"Raelyn, that's wonderful!" Niall states brightly. "Is he going home today?"  
  
Rae nods, if a little awkwardly as she is still pressed against a shoulder. She steps out of Louis' hug. "I'm taking him home now. I clocked out early at work. Max covered for me." She then points to a tan stain on her uniform top. "Got a bit excited and spilled coffee down me front..." She bites her lip sheepishly, looking up through her eyelashes.  
  
Her action causes a weird disturbance within Louis and if Rae didn't release her bottom lip, Louis was going to have several problems. One of them having to go ask nurse Jackie to use the defibrillator on him because he's pretty sure his heart just stopped beating for a second. He can't let her be affecting him like this; it's not good for his confused heart. However, her lip is still caught between her teeth, pulling slightly at the wine colored skin of her bottom lip. They're red today, due to the cold.  
  
"Where're the others?" She finally questions, pulling Louis back from his slightly inappropriate thoughts. He is in a children's hospital for Gods sake.  
  
"Harry's been in Olivia's room." Niall informs. "Liam and Zayn are at the cafeteria...which reminds me." Niall leans in and gives a quick peck on Rae's cheek as a farewell. Then jogs off towards the lift.   
  
"Oi! No invite?" Louis calls to him.  
  
The last thing they see before the doors slide shut is Niall cackling. Louis wonders about the amount of reoccurring coincidences in which the other boys tend to leave him alone with Rae. Which Louis didn't mind at all, but then again he sort of does, mainly because they all seem set on him having feelings for her. Which, they aren't completely wrong. He's just not acting on them.  
  
"He's my favourite." Rae sighs admiringly.  
  
"I thought Harry is your favourite, and wasn't Liam your favourite last week?" Louis muses.   
  
"It changes." She shrugs casually, a hint of mirth in her eyes.   
  
"Am I ever your favourite?" Louis knows what he was doing, and maybe he should stop before his full flirting ability rises up.  
  
"That-" Starts Rae slowly, "is an excellent question, my friend." She pretends to be contemplating, rubbing her chin in slow motion. Suddenly, her gaze fix on Louis, tilting her head apprising him. "I seem to remember a certain Louis Tomlinson spilling my coffee just last week."  
  
"Alright now, that was purely a misfortune of my clumsiness."   
  
Raelyn shakes her head, eyes wide and smile now gone, replaced by a mock serious expression. "Anyone who spills coffee is my enemy. My greatest foe."  
  
"You spilled coffee today." He gestures to her top.   
  
"Touché." Rae abruptly pivots on her toes, heading towards the locked double doors, pressing the little white button and waiting to be buzzed in.   
  
Louis follows her, stands right behind her, leaning down slightly to whisper in her ear and okay. Now he is definitely flirting with her. "You didn't answer my question."  
  
Either Louis' eyes play a trick on him when he thinks he sees her squirm lightly, or his breath tickling her ear has no affect at all. Rae turns her head to his, both forgetting the definition of personal space (was that ever a thing with them) now extremely close to each other. Rae's eyes flitter along Louis' jawline and just above his upper lip, admiring the light coating of stubble. Before she can answer, the doors buzz, snapping them from their gazes and Rae pulls the doors openly so quickly, Louis thinks she pulled a muscle.   
  
"Want to pick up Ronan with me?" She asks him after their bubble of personal space comes back.   
  
"I'd love too." Louis smiles.

  
*  
  
"-and then can we go to the park? I miss the wings...win winging-"  _"(Swings." )_  "I can fly like Peter Pan on the wings!" ( _"Swings, bud."_ ) Ronan has been chattering away joyously (while Rae corrects his version of swings), clutching both her sister's and Louis' hands.   
  
"Sure thing, Ro." Rae agrees, smiling down at her brother. His bag packed with his clothes, beanies and medicine nestled on her shoulder.  
  
"Could Zaynie draw me anwother picture?" Ronan whispers loudly, in what he thinks can't be heard by Zayn himself in front of them.  
  
"Why don't you ask him silly?"   
  
Ronan shies behind Rae's leg as Zayn turns around smiling kindly. He looks at Rae for permission before gently picking up the small boy, his hands falling from his sister's and Louis'. They are all distracted as they exited the front lobby, Rae carrying causal conversation with Liam and Harry, while Zayn and Niall are animatedly talking with Ronan. None of them see the small crowd of paparazzi waiting, just to the left of the drive up beneath the overhang.   
  
Louis sees them first, before he's suddenly blinded by the flashing cameras and deaf by the mixture of loud questions. This kind of blind is what he despises and wish he could go back just ten minutes earlier to that of Rae's blinding smile because at least that was nice on his retinas. Before Louis can warn anyone, the grown men with the camera advanced towards them, and Louis hears the unmistakable gasp that only belongs to one person who deals with panic attacks on a consistent basis. A group of invasive paps is the last thing Raelyn needs. It's what he gets for coming to the Hospice without security.  
  
"Shit." Louis curses, automatically stepping in front of Rae.   
  
"Ra-Ra!?" Ronan cries out from Zayns arm, distressed and reaching for the comfort he only feels with his sister.   
  
Rae turns, accepting her brother and cradling him against her chest, hiding his face in her neck with a protective hand over the back of his head. His small legs wrapping tightly around her waist.  
  
"Louis." Rae's apprehensive voice wavers. She steps back, right into Liam, trying to retract from the cameras, attempting to retreat back into the lobby.  
  
"Keep your head down, love." Liam murmurs in her ear, gripping her elbow for support.  
  
Louis makes a split decision, throwing a look to the four other boys. Immediately, they formed a tight circle around the siblings, protecting them from flashes. Louis knows it's too late; the sleazy men had already taken several good shots of the siblings, but all he can think about now is just getting Rae to her car safely. They begin shuffling towards the car park, doing their best to ignore the shouting questions.   
  
Rae had placed her headphones in Ronan's ear, playing music from her iPod, hoping it'll drown out anything Ronan would hear. However, that doesn't stop Rae herself from hearing the questions fired rapidly at them.  
  
"Harry! What's going on with you and Cara Delevingne!?"  
  
"Zayn is it true your having drug issues?"  
  
"Niall are you and hot blonde dating? Is it true you went to visit her in the states?"  
  
"Liam! Liam! Are you checking up on your kidneys?"  
  
"Louis are you cheating on Eleanor? Who's the girl? Is that her kid? Why are they leaving the hospital? Is his _your_ kid!?"  
  
Rae hates it. She hates their shouts, their accusations, their lack of the meaning of private information. Who cares who they are or aren't dating? She hates the way she can feel Harry's hand tighten on the back of her shirt as he listens to the horrible questions that keep coming. She hates how Louis snaps at the nearest pap who got just a little too close for his liking trying to snap close ups of hers and Ronan's faces.

"Fuck off before I take your shitty camera and shove it so far up your arse you'll be taking pictures when you blink. Learn to get a fucking proper job, you dick!"

She hates the way Niall is trembling besides her, hearing him gasping for air. How Zayn is muttering an unending string of cruses. How Liam sighs in frustration before he attempts to take control of the situation. Most of all, she hates how Ronan's weak hand crawls up and grips tightly at her shirt, pinching skin and letting out little whimpers. Stress like this is not what Ronan needs, otherwise he'll become overwhelmed and have to stay back in his hospital room. This was what they deal with on a daily basis and it terrifies her.   
  
Help comes in the form of four policemen and three hospital security guards. They fended off the paps along enough for Rae and the six boys to round the corner, spotting Rae's beat up old car immediately. Charlie a sight for sore, blinded eyes.

*  
  
  
"I'm so, so sorry Raelyn." Louis apologizes for what feels like the 100th time. "I didn't know they'd be there and I didn't think they could come that close and now you'r pictures will be everywhere and-"  
  
"Louis, it's alright." Rae holds up a hand, stopping his rambling. "Really. Just spooked us a bit."  
  
"But Ronan and, fuck. That one got so close to him!"  
  
"Louis." Rae snaps in a firm, sharp voice that had not only Louis, but the other boys as well, sitting up straighter and fighting the urge to salute her. "Ronan's just fine. He just needs rest but he can't do that knowing you're all still here."  
  
"Right." Liam answers for Louis, who is stood motionless by the sofa. "We'll leave him to rest then."  
  
Louis hangs his head so shamefully low that his chin tucks into his chest, hands shoved deep into his pockets.   
  
"C'mon, Lou." Niall nudges him, attempting to move his older band mate. He doesn't budge. 

Rae gives and receives apologetic looks, as each member of the band exit the house, waiting patiently for the fifth. Rae sighs heavily.  
  
"Louis." She places her hand on his arm, using her hold to bend over, trying to see his face. Hair falling over her shoulder as she finds his eyes. A slightly concerned expression on her face, eyebrows furrowed together, attempting to pull one hand out of his pocket, tugging on his forearm.   
  
"Louis, I promise it's alright. I don't like that look on your face. Like you just kicked a puppy...and that kitten you tried giving me...and a baby kola."  
  
But Louis can't help the guilt he had been feeling since the second they stepped out of the hospital. It was because of him the paps were there. Because of him Ronan is now worked up and he wouldn't know what he'd do. Or how to live with himself if because of that and his lack of logical thinking, put Ronan straight back into the hospital for the week, instead of living at home. Rae had been so ecstatic, with that smile that lit the skies and eyes that had sparkles like the stars, the dominate color of blue taking over what little gray and brown within them. If Louis, as indirect as it was, is the reason for that happiness to once again be replace by a sense of hopelessness, then it is all his fault.

Maybe he shouldn't be spending as much time with the small family as he is. He shouldn't be casually asking her out for lunch and tea and paying unnecessary visits to the hospital. Some times he truly forgets he is famous; that it comes with an ugly price. Paparazzi and media attention and nasty comments and rumors, and the ridiculous amount of hate. It's all the ugly parts he wanted to protect the family from. Louis' heart drops to his stomach, straight into an ocean of guilt. He had done a horrible job of that.   
  
Rae huffs in frustration, abandoning her efforts and instead decides to just gently grab Louis' face between her hands, holding his head up. They properly met each others gaze, a tiny smile forming on Rae's lips.  
  
"I don't want to scare you away." Louis confesses quietly, eyes locked on hers.  
  
"Oh." Her little smile now gone.   
  
"I didn't mean for it to happen. I wasn't thinking an-"  
  
"Louis, please. Don't think it's your fault just because some grown men with cameras took our picture. It's fine. Ronan's fine. I'm fine." She pauses, fighting the urge to stoke his stubble filled jawline. "It'll take more than that to scare me away."  
  
Louis almost lets himself believe that, almost. If he didn't see the way her eyes flicker and tighten subtly, he would have. He knows it's coming before she even voices it, and the realization of her unspoken words hit him like an anvil dropping on his already sinking heart.   
  
"I just...I think I just- with Ronan. We just need some time to relax. Yeah, relax is all. Just much needed family time."  
  
This is her way of telling him she needs to back away from them. Much needed family time is really code for "I was scared, I need space, back off." At least. that's what he tells himself. Louis finally takes one hand out of his jeans, carefully wrapping his fingers around her wrist, squeezing lightly. He nods, because as much as he hates putting those feelings in Raelyn, he understands. He steps around her, breaking all contact as he heads toward the open door.   
  
"I'm sorry." Louis apologizes once more, quietly shutting the door before Rae can utter another word.  
  
  
They don't talk for the whole week.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> (I originally posts this chapter on Dec. 22...when the real Louis turned 22...gives you the timeline of how long this took to write and edit and post. BAHAHA. And before all of this other shit started happening in what is now a giat ass shit show. Idk. I stay away and write. Well, technically, I stay away and repost.......I need wine.)


	23. "Not a Date"

No calls, no texts, in fact Rae's phone seems to be shut off. The pictures come out the day after the little pap fiasco, plastered on gossip websites with horrible, written up lies. No body should believe print articles anyway. No, Louis does not have a _love child_ , bloody fucking hell.  
  
During the week, his fingers itch to contact Rae. His week is shit. He tries contacting his girlfriend, but she avoids him, probably because they both know what's coming and they both don't know how to really go about it. He and the boys are scolded for going out without their bodyguards and if they do it again next time, they can kiss the Hospice visitation goodbye. Which is a little extreme in Louis' opinion. He stops by the diner, only to see Liz who informs him that Rae has taken the week off for Ronan.  
  
"Good on her too. She works herself to death, that one. She needs a break." Liz tells Louis, as she, ironically, serves fucking Diner Guy.  
  
Louis just glares daggers at Diner Guy, and only revels in the fact that Diner Guy won't see Rae either. He's got something to tell her, and he could always just show up at her house, but he can't do that, not after last week. So instead, he asks Liz if she could just mention that he stopped by and would like to talk to Rae whenever she gets in. Liz agrees with a sad sort of smile on her face.

  
*  
  
It's on the ninth day of no contact does Louis finally, _finally_ see Raelyn. She's at that hole in the wall cafe, where he met her the second time, eyes a little tired, but not at all guarded like the last time he saw her. He's relieved and happy for all a split second, before he realizes just who is standing next to her. Louis seethes as he watches the same guy, Diner Prick Guy, with the grace of a slimy snake, wrap his arm around her shoulders. He can hear him talk from where he's standing.  
  
"Did you need a ride? I can take you home." Fucking Bloody Diner Guy offers, smiling sweet like the syrup they pump in the coffee. Sickly sweet.  
  
Maybe he's just being nice...Louis doesn't care for nice. Doesn't care for the way he is looking at Rae like she's a pastry on display. He feels something like fire coil hotly in his stomach, and abruptly his legs are moving without his doing and he's suddenly standing next to them.  
  
"I think she's good, thanks." Louis nearly sneers, but keeps his cool, no matter how hot the fire burns. He brings his own arm up around her shoulders, knocking Eric...Ethan or whoever's arm out of the way. "I'm sure if she wanted, she'd ask."  
  
Rae's shock lasts for a second before she shoots Louis a look. If looks could kill. "No, thank you." She declines Evan's offer kindly.  
  
Evan holds his hands up in defense. "Didn't mean to flirt with your girlfriend mate." He says to Louis. Smiles and thanks Rae, then leaves the cafe.  
  
Louis steers Rae out of the shop, and doesn't let her go until he is opening the door of his car. He gently closes it after Rae is settled and buckled in. He gets in himself and drives off. The car ride is quite save for the faint music from the radio. Rae breaks it first.   
  
"Did you even consider that I could have possibly driven myself?" Rae seeths.  
  
"Did you?" Louis ask shortly, eyes on the road.  
  
A beat. "That's not the point." So she didn't drive. "You were rude, and I can take care of myself. Jealously doesn't become you." She chides, calling him out.  
  
"I am not jealous. I just don't like him." Louis scoffs.   
  
"You don't even know him."  
  
"Don't have too." He answers hotly. "You seemed to be doing that for the both of us. Probably has your number now." He mumbles the last part, but Rae still hears.  
  
"Yep."  
  
The car loses sped for a few second because Louis' foot slips off the gas peddle. He tightens his grip on the wheel; shit week is shit week.   
  
"Fuck, Louis." Rae sighs exasperated, pinching her nose. "Why are you so angry?"  
  
"Why did you ignore me for a week?" He challenges.  
  
Rae falls silent for several minutes. They sit in the car, the tension heavy with something new and foul tasting in their mouths, never truly fought about anything. Louis' jealousy is making Rae frustrated in return, both calling each other out.  
  
"I-" Rae begins.  
  
"Don't lie to me." Louis interrupts softly. "Please. Or shake it off, or change the subject and pretend whatever is bothering you isn't truly bothering you. That is bullshit and I hate when you do that. _Please_."  
  
Rae inhales deeply. "I just needed...I don't know, Louis. It was weird for me? The paparazzi, and being extra careful with Ronan at home, and me mum. So family time, yeah? But then Ronan wasn't feeling good so he had to go back a day earlier. Before my birthday...I was upset about some things. I didn't mean to ignore you. I would never...I couldn't pay my phone bill."  
  
Tension gone; good because bickering with Rae is not something he wants to do again. Louis relaxes his grip on the wheel, glances over at Rae who's staring out the window. Louis turns right, and parks in the last row of a shopping center. She looks confused when he does.  
  
"I'm sorry then." Louis finally speaks up, turning to face her. "Didn't mean to get so angry. Is Ronan- how is he now?"  
  
Rae shrugs, fingers beginning to trail over her collarbones. "He's ok, I guess. Mum just got scared and brought him back early. Besides that, he was fine at home." There's a small smile on her lips as she turns to look at Louis.  
  
"That's good then."  
  
It goes quite again, Rae closing her eyes and resting her head against the headrest. Louis reaches over to squeeze her hand on her knee in apology again. A thought occurs, then he's taking his hand away, forcing a hint of a joke in his voice.  
  
"I can not believe you went on a date with Fucking Diner Guy." He says, fishing more like.  
  
"I can't believe you think I went on a date with him." Rae's eyes snap open, oceans waves dancing in amusement. "Honestly, Louis."  
  
Louis shrugs, crossing his arms, doesn't register what she said. "I don't like him. He's rude and egotistical and thinks he can charm the knickers off anyone. Really, he's just a bloody player. And you went on a bloody date!"  
  
"Louis-" Rae has to laugh now because he's so far from the truth to this last statement.   
  
"And his teeth are too damn white and he supports Liverpool, did you see his shirt? You went on a date with some bloke who supports Liverpool!"  
  
"Lou-"  
  
"He smells funny and he's been stalking you for weeks, desperately asking you out when you clearly didn't want it. Yet you still went and I'm over here thinking if she'll go with him...I may have gotten a little jealous."  
  
"Knew it." Rae mutters. "You've got no reason to be jealous, Louis. You're being a little riduclous, and you've got a girlfriend! I just don't get it-"  
  
"Not anymore." Louis mumbles, loud enough for Rae to catch it again.  
  
"Not...any...what?" Rae stutters incredulously.  
  
"Eleanor broke up with me." He sighs heavily, dropping his head on the steering wheel, and watching her reaction.  
  
Rae kind of just freezes for a moment, runs her hand through her hair until she remembers that she actually twisted it up. She studies his expression; his downcast eyes, the slight downward tilt to his mouth, and he sees realization dawn on her face. She has seen Louis more upset about Man U losing than this right now. He can see it click in her eyes that maybe, just maybe Louis isn't that torn up about it. Dating someone for two years should require more of an reaction than just probably looking like a child whose ice cream got taken away.   
  
"I don't...I don't understand. What happened?" Rae asks gently, all annoyance seemingly melts away as she sits across from him.  
  
Louis shrugs again, shoulders heaving up and down.   
  
"Hey now. You're always telling me that I can talk to you if I need too. The same goes for you too, Louis. You can't just hold it in, or act like something that's bothering you really isn't bothering you."  
  
Louis smiles a little at that, finally picking his head up. "Right. She said it was time. That I wasn't in it anymore, or haven't been for a while. She's right, I have to agree with her on that part. I haven't been fair to her and we didn't talk as much as we use to. She said she felt the way though. So, in the end I guess it was mutual. She thinks, um, thinks I may possibly have fallen for someone else."  
  
The car falls quiet again. Outside, the weather turns gray, drizzling the car with rain that promises the end of November and beginning of December. Louis feel like his mood lately matches the clouds outside, gray and dimmed from the gloomy day; or just gloom in general. He doesn't feel that upset about it anymore though. Instead, the longer the silence stretches on, the more his stomach flutters with anticipation and nervous, because essantilly he just told her he may have feelings for her. He does. He knows he does. She doesn't actually know that the does. It's nerve-wracking.   
  
Rae speaks finally, hesitant. "Have you then?  
  
Louis drops his eyes, suddenly finding the little bumps on the steering wheel much more interesting. "I'm not sure. Possibly." He lies.  
  
"You know Louis, if you just wanted to get with Fucking Diner Guy, all you had to do was ask."  
  
There are times when Louis forgets what an absolute little shit Rae can be. It catches him by surprise so much that he can't even fegin offence. He tells her so. "You're a little shit some times, y'know."  
  
"Yeah well...you crashed my meeting." Rae smiles, shit-eating and all. And yet, it's nothing but endearing.  
  
"I'm-wait. Meeting?"  
  
"Yes. Meeting. As in we met up to talk about hiring me for his sister's graduation pictures."  
  
Louis blinks once, twice. "Not a date?"  
  
"Not a date." Rae speaks slowly. "Envy and you must be close mates."  
  
Louis glares at her with the intensity of a mini candle. Because he could never truly throw any heated look her way. He feels, before he sees her fingers brush against his knuckles and leaves them there. _It wasn't a date_.  
  
"Are you alright though?" Rae's concern is lovely at a time like this. All joking aside.  
  
"Perfect." Louis smiles brightly. "I'll be completely fine."

  
*  
  
  
They stop at the camera shop upon Raelyn's request, picking up two folders full of pictures. Angelique is working the backroom, but comes out to greet both Rae and Louis, and if she winks at Louis while hugging Rae with a smirk on her mouth, neither of them mention it. She asks Rae is she could make a copy of one picture; its a side shot of Zayn. His blurry profile on the left of the picture smiling (Louis can see the corner of his mouth hitched up) and bending over, arms stretch out for Ronan, who's sitting on the floor with his sparkling wide blue eyes. The beanie Louis gave him, and a smile that's more blinding than the sun. Rae had edited the picture before hand, detailing several of Zayn's tattoos vividly, along with the sharpened image of her brother. Its a beautiful picture.  
  
Rae informs her of needing to ask Zayn for his permission before she can give Angelique an answer. Understanding, she shoos both of them away with a wave of her hand, calling goodbye and for Rae to fix her camera bag already. Mainly because as they're leaving the store, the seams at the bottom of the big pocket rips and out comes her phone and film rolls. Which reminds Louis.  
  
"How old are you now?' Louis asks, somewhat out of the blue, because Rae shoots him a confessed expression.  
  
"Just turned 21." She asnwers, grabbing the AUX cord to plug in her phone.  
  
"So you just had a birthday. Last week, am I right?"  
  
"Obviously, yesss..." Rae drawls out, scrolling through her music.  
  
Louis reaches behind his seat, blindly searching for a gift-bag on the floor of the backseat. He smiles when he feels his fingers brush against the tissue paper, and pulls the rest of the bag to the front. He plops it down on Rae's lap, who had stopped scrolling the second she heard the paper rustle. She's staring at him like he's grown another head.  
  
"And what, pray tell, is this?" Rae questions cautiously.  
  
"Your birthday present." Louis smiles, turning sideways and crossing his legs on the seat. "Wasn't able to give it to you because...well..."  
  
Rae nods shortly, eyeing the bag like its going to explode any moment. "You did't have to get me anything, Louis. Especially anything this big."  
  
He rolls his eyes. "It's not that big."  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't see you over all the tissue paper, what was that?"  
  
"Just open you, you little menace."  
  
Rae mumbles as she begins pulling out paper, "Better not be another cat."  
  
It's not. In fact, what she pulls out of the bag is another bag. She sees a glint of gold, flashing a name across her vision and drops it bag into the bigger bag. She swallows. Looks over at Louis with wide, disbelieving eyes, her hand covering her mouth. Louis only smiles encouragingly; if a little dubious.  
  
Rae's hand slowly lowers, pulling out the bag again. It's a camera bag. A dark leather bag, soft and smooth under her fingertips as she trails them along the edges and pockets. Two front pockets with little gold buckles, and golden zippers on top that open to reveal four compartments inside. A bigger one to obviously fit a camera, two on the side of that for lens and a small one to fit either memory cards or film. She carefully zips up the bag, taking the shoulder strap in her hand, thumbing along the material before reading the golden letters. Louis is gnawing away at his thumbnail by the time she finally says something.

Rae inhales deeply, closes her eyes for a brief moment, exhaling. "This is beautiful."  
  
Louis relaxes; it's short lived.  
  
"But I can't-"  
  
"No." Louis interrupts firmly. "This is my gift to you for you birthday, Raelyn. A gift."  
  
"Louis, it's too expensive." Rae evens gently.  
  
"How would you know that?" Louis asks, not unkindly. "I could have gotten it at a thrift store."  
  
Rae points to the name. "I've never been to a thrift stores that sells Marc Jacobs bags. _Holy fuck_." She breaths out that last part, eyeing the bag again.  
  
"You need a new camera bag, Rae." Louis begins softly, eyes on his hand, now picking at the skin on his thumb. "I know the one you have now means a lot to you. If you honestly, and truly don't want this one because the other holds memories of Vinny, then okay. Alright, I'll understand and I'll take it back. But please. Please don't give it back to be because you think it's too much. If it helps...I did get it on sale."  
  
He feels her fingers brush against his, takes his hands and holds them tight, preventing further cuticle damage. Louis looks up. His breath catches in his throat. Rae is looking at him with the softest expression. Her eyes sparkling like the sun when it glittering off the oceans surface. She smiles.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
His response is to say 'you're welcome', nice and safe. Instead, he brings up his right hand, releasing from her hold, and gently places his hand on her cheek, tendering stroking his thumb along her cheek bone. If he isn't mistaken, Rae actually leans into his touch. Before he can do any further damage due to his own stupidity (like lean forward to see what her lips would feel like; soft rose pedals, smooth silk?) Louis clears his throat and pulls his hand away, turning to face forward.  
  
"Right. Well, you are very welcome." He rushes out, flicks the key to start up the engine and finally pulls out of the bloody camera store lot.  
  
He assumes Rae does the same, because he hears the tissue shift against each other, and the bag resting on the floor of the car. The silence is heavy; charged with something that sparks warmth into the car and into his heart and Louis can not take this day anymore. Rae's fingers were warm from the heat of the car, her eyes like December birthstones; which Louis tries not to think about the irony of that, her eyes the color of his birth months stone. His stomach feels hot and those damn butterflies are back and it's all due to Rae sitting next to him. Who finally decides to speak.  
  
"Louis." Her tone is light. "I really do love it. I just can't wrap my mind around you walking into a designer handbag shop. Like-" She stifles a laugh- "were you pestered by a sales worker?"  
  
"Lets not talk about it." Louis growls playfully, remembering his time in the store that took an hour when really it should have only taken ten minutes. The bloody bag was right there on display.  
  
Rae laughs out loud at his response. He looks over at her quickly, her head thrown back against the headrest, Her knees pulled up with her feet on the dashboard, eyes squeezed shut and hands halfway in the air to cover her mouth and thinks; _not a date._  
  
And if they spend the rest of the day at Louis and Harry's flat, relaxing on the couch while watching the first night of 25 Days of Christmas, no one really has to know. It leads to Rae confessing her habit of watching really movies with sad endings (The Notebook, Finding Neverland, Titanic, etc) just to force herself to cry. It never works, just success in giving her self induced panic attacks. Finding Neverland is playing on the movie channel and Louis doesn't tell her, just skips over it quickly; no matter how much she loves anything to do with Peter Pan. Her new bag sits by the door, with all her belongings already stored, and her camera snuggled nicely in the middle compartment.  
  
 _Not a date._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to change the brand of the camera bag this time 'round...then I laughed at the price of a LV bag and decided nope. Rae does not get a bag that cost over one grand. So eff you LV for not letting people like me and Rae afford beautiful camera bags. I'm sticking with this bag/box I found in my friends Nana's and Pop's storage. It was free. It protects my camera. I'll dream about Louis Vuitton bags later...


	24. Heart Shaped Boxes

It's been a busy and exhausting week, according to Rae, so when Louis shows up at her door step, yet again, she doesn't turn him away. Not after he offers to help her with whatever she needs. Louis doesn't mean to snoop in Rae's room while she's downstairs dealing with yet another mysterious call she never shares the details of, (though he still hears enough to know it has something to do with money.) He was just doing as he was told, when he firmly insisted that he could help organize her used film rolls and label them correctly, after Rae nearly throws them across the room.

So it's not his fault when he stubs his toe on something sticking out from under her bed. The pain in his toe is almost not, more of a dull smack then a sharp pain, nowhere near the pain of when he stepped on a sea urchin before judges houses. He accidentally ends up kicking whatever it is out further from beneath the bed, staring down at a plain brown box only marked by a simple capital J. He had knocked off the top of it, now sitting at an angle, exposing little trinkets and papers. Curious- and if Louis were a cat he'd be dead- he kneels down, setting aside the film tube in his hand, pulling the box towards him.  
  
He shouldn't, he really shouldn't, but he just can't help his eyes catching a Polaroid. It's a picture of Rae, sitting cross legged and holding a tiny black kitten up in the air, smiling at it like its the greatest gift she's gotten. Louis gently pushes it aside, picking up a concert ticket for Mumford and Sons, three years back. He continues on, shifting through and picking up things; a dried out flower, an film canister Louis thought was empty until he shook it, opening it, a necklace with a key charm falling into his hand. More ticket stubs for movies and shows, a mixed CD, cards from her birthday and Christmas and Valentines day. A little feather attached to a string, Louis assuming its a cats toy, a letter addressed to _Lover_ , and a few more pictures. 

The last one is of Rae and (whom Louis guesses) this J bloke kissing in the sunlight. Their noses are a little smashed together and Rae is smiling through the kiss, the corners of her mouth turned up. There's a hot curling in the pit of Louis' stomach while he continues to stare at the picture, and finally puts it down because he shouldn't be jealous of someone who clearly never cared for Rae. Who took her cat and ran off. Louis replaces the top, and gently shoves it back, until he hears it hit something else.  
  
Cats supposedly have nine lives and what's it to him if he loses a metaphorical one, when he pulls out yet another box. It's smaller than the last, with a B marked on it. The contains in this box are less than the previous, but there are more pictures and less ticket stubs, save for a ticket to that important Man U match two years ago. There's only one card and Louis decides not to read it, for the cover is filled with little hearts and butterflies. There aren't any kissing pictures, just ones with Rae and another boy laughing together while taking the pictures herself. Louis closes it , puts it back and pulls yet another box out.  
It's white, covered in little doodles and if he didn't know any better, he'd think Zayn had gotten a hold of it. There's no letter marking it, the drawings are enough for Rae to know who's it is.

Louis gently pries the top off, setting it aside. The first thing he sees an empty mini bottle of whiskey, resting on a pile of pictures. Pictures of a boy with tan skin and dark hair and a groomed beard. Pictures of him hugging two girls who resemble him; him holding a cute Yorkie; a picture of whom Louis thinks is the kids parents. Pictures of him kissing his girlfriend; pictures of Rae's mother and him, of baby Ronan and him, and finally pictures of Rae herself. Louis pulls out colored tin foil with _winner_ written on them, made to look like medals. There are candy wrappers and sticky notes and an old smoked out fag. There's jewelry and a half empty bottle of cologne. Louis picks up a notebook, opening and flipping through pages on pages of drawings.

A loose paper falls out, landing in his lap. He recognizes the drawing, perfectly matching the dream catcher tattoo Rae's got etched on her shoulder. A lump forms in Louis throat now relaxing who the box belongs too. He finally picks up a dried out rose, a mini program with his picture on it and a little clear jar. The jar is attached to a necklace, corked in tightly, holding what looks like gray sand. Louis replaces all but the program, marking the date for May 25th. Vinny's smiling face printed on the front of page of the little memorial booklet. It may be too late, but out of respect (ha), Louis doesn't read the words printed inside. Instead he closes his eyes, having his own little moment for Rae's cousin who had passed; who had clearly been an important part of her life. Louis gently places the booklet back and closes the lid on all of Rae's memories.  
  
There's one more box Louis' pulls out. It's different from the others; dark oak and heavy, though smaller than Vinny's. The top is covered in a thick layer of dust, from having sat idly for so long. Unlike the others, there's a little sliver padlock, locking away the contains and memories. However, like Vinny's its unmarked, just black and weighing on the floor, and Louis thinks it possibly resembles Raelyn's heart. Burdened with these boxes she hides away, her memories, her _love_ , never to be found. Before Louis has a chance to put it back, he's startled by a voice behind him.  
  
"What are you doing!?" Rae's aghast voice comes from the doorway, breathless with an underlining of panic.  
  
Louis jumps a good foot from the ground, whirling around to meet Rae. Her expression mixed with defensive anger and utter betrayal and annoyance. He fish mouths for a few moments before Rae strides forward, snatching the locked box out of his hands. Her eyes fall from Louis to Vinny's box sitting next to his thigh, and her expression falters for a split second. A second where all Louis sees is anguish before anger replaces it yet again.  
  
"Did you go through every one of my boxes, Louis?" She asks quietly, the scariest tone if Louis ever heard one, besides his mothers.  
  
"I didn't mean-" Louis starts desperately, scrambling to his feet.  
  
Rae steps back, glaring daggers. "You had no right."  
  
"I know, and I'm so sorry but it was sticking out and I tripped over it and knocked the top off. I was putting it back when I saw some pictures, and my curiosity out the best of me. I shouldn't have. You're right and it was wrong of me. I'm so sorry, Rae."  
  
They stare at each other for a while, Louis' own blue eyes pleading for undeserving forgiveness. There friendship during that past few months has grown stronger and walks the thin line between that and just a little more than friends. If he ruins it because he couldn't keep his fucking hands to himself well, he doesn't know what he'd do. He can clearly see he's betrayed her trust, after all that she's already confided in him.

He can see and hear her breathing hard, closing her eyes and hopefully trying to dispute her anger. She puts the box down on her bed, pinching bridge of her nose before sighing loudly. Automatically, almost absentmindedly, she raises her left hand, pressing firmly into her chest. Louis bites his concern back, figuring its be better to stay silent than plead his case once more.  
  
"Thank you for your help, Louis." Rae finally speaks calmly, opening her eyes and staring strangely at Louis. "I've got it from here."  
  
He doesn't like the monotone of her voice or the tightness around her eyes, but he complies nonetheless. He nods and leaves, eyes downcast as he passes her. He's an idiot. He gets as far as second to last step on the stairs before he abruptly turns around, taking the steps two at a time, because no. He's not going to leave like this. He's going to fix it. 

When he reaches the landing he runs straight into Rae, literally. They reach other for each other, gripping each arm and using that leverage to pull themselves up from falling; Rae onto the flat floor, and Louis, well if she hadn't caught his biceps he would've had a nasty trip down the stairs. He can see her eyes flash with panic at the same thought.  
  
"I didn't want you to actually leave." Rae confesses quietly.  
  
"Wasn't really planning on it." Louis reassures, smiling brightly. "I didn't mean-"  
  
"It's fine, Louis. Just...no one knows I keep boxes like that, so you finding them was unexpected. I just need you to understand. Those are-they're like my scars, demons, ghosts, whichever. I never wanted anyone to see them. Never meant to show anyone."  
  
She bites her lips and Louis follows the drag of her bottom lip with his eyes. He mentally shakes his head, eyes snapping back up to her. He wants to apologize again, but he knows she won't take it, she's already forgiven him. He does however, have a different question in mind.  
  
"You show them to me." He states softly. Rae is speechless for a few moments, so he takes his chance. "May I ask you something? You don't have to answer me though, but. Those phone calls, Rae. Are they serious, do you need help with something?"  
  
Rae steps back, pulls Louis along with her so he is safely away from the danger of the stairs. "Er...the bank calls some times, and the electric company and...it's fine. They only call when a payment is late or we couldn't pay. It's nothing to worry about."  
  
"Is that why your house is so bloody cold all the time? They turned your heater off again?"  
  
"I-"  
  
"Is it why you've been taking triple shifts at diner? Liz told me-"  
  
"You talk to Liz?" Rae cuts in slightly amused.  
  
"Technically, Kari told me, but Liz was right there too. Liam and I came by the other day, but you were on a break and, Raelyn. Do you need help financially?"  
  
Rae mouths wordlessly, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "Maybe." She exhales. "Maybe a little."  
  
He had a growing suspicion her family needed money. Louis gently squeezes her elbow and tried pulling her into a hug, when her eyes snap open.  
  
"No."  
  
"What? No what?" Louis attempts to play it off, as if she didn't just completely read his mind and his intention to want to help her. "I didn't do anything."  
  
Her mini candle glare is back. "You're going to, I know you. And no, Louis Tomlinson, I will not take anything you offer because it's not your burden and I could never ask- I would never ask you to- and no."  
  
Louis just chuckles at her and finally pulls her in, wrapping his arms around her shoulder. "Fine, Jean Grey. I won't offer any money to you."  
  
"Did you really just reference X-Men, you dork? Geez."  
  
But Rae is giggling into his shoulder, and Louis thinks if the boxes are forgotten and her worries for paying bills with the money she doesn't have is gone for now, he'll gladly make comic book references every time.

  
***


	25. Nightmares of the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Nightmare, Panic attack, unintentional self harm

Rae stands outside of Ronan's room, watching through the window and fuming silently. She never thought he father would come back, let alone finally acknowledge his son's cancer. Her eyes narrow, wishing to burn a hole through his balding head. It must have been a heated gaze anyway, for her fathers head suddenly snaps towards her. His dark gray eyes meet hers, and for a moment she sees nothing but regret. That emotion flashes away as quick as the lightening outside, turning into an sly smile, his lips spreading like the sudden shadows beneath his feet.   
  
Rae blinks. She hadn't notice that before. She watches the shadows closely as they waver. It doesn't make sense; her father stood there like a statute, cold and unmoving, so how were the shadows seeping forward? Rae feels a cold fear stab through every fiber of her body when the shadows sprout thin black arms, with long eerie fingers.  
  
Abruptly, the arms shoot out, snaking their way around the bed Ronan is happily sitting in. Blissfully unaware of the creepy figures, traveling towards him.  
  
"Ronan!" Rae calls out, but her voice doesn't carry through the door. She's useless.  
  
She watches the arms slither up the legs of the bed, up to the sheets and straight towards the sick boy. He finally spots them, his innocent blue eyes stricken with fear. He tries scrambling back against his pillows, whimpering . When he looks up, he sees his sister through the glass of the door.  
  
"Ra-Ra! Help me!" Ronan cries out terrified.  
  
"Ronan!" Rae attempts to open the door, jiggling the locked handle. Pulling it back with her foot against the wall next to it for leverage, and banging on the glass.  
  
"Raelyn!" Ronan screams through his tears. The dark arms now wrapping tightly around his legs and quickly twisting up his small torso. "Don't let it take me!"  
  
"Ronan! I won't! Dad help!" For the first since the arms reached out, she looks at her father. "Daddy, please!"  
  
But the figure that stood in his place looks nothing like him; is no longer her father. Instead, it had turned black as night, with only a blinding white toothy grin, and laughing maliciously back at her. It stretches out his arms toward her brother.  
  
Terror tears at Raelyn's heart, her little brothers shrieks vibrating through her bones. She watches helplessly as the shadow swallows the rest of Ronan's body, silencing his screams, and allowing one final glimpse of blue tinted horror. Just like that, Ronan is gone.  
  
"Ronan!" Raelyn yells, bolting straight out of her nightmare in her bed.  

She glances around wildly, panting with painful spams slicing through her chest. Her blood running cold with fear, sweat dotting at her forehead, dampening the roots of her hair. She frantically pushes her hair back with shaky hands before fluttering them around widely. Settling one hand on her chest, clutching her bare skin and digging her nails into flesh.  
  
It was a dream. Just a dream. But no. Dreams are not like that. It is a nightmare,  _her_ nightmare, _her_ hell, and suddenly Rae has difficulty breathing. She can't breathe, can't get enough air into her lungs. She feels shaky and hot and her heart will just not stop slamming against needles and she's alone. Alone in her dark room, with the vivid memory of her brother disappearing into the same darkness. She quickly reaches over and switches on the light.  
  
"M-mum!" She calls out. "Mummy!?"

Her mother doesn't answer, and its then she remembers her mothers night shift. Of all the time she needs her mother...Without thinking twice, Rae snatches her phone from the night able, automatically finding the right contact.  
  
"'Lo?" Comes a mumbled answer after the fifth ring.  
  
"Lou- I can't-I don't-I-" Rae stutters frantically, gasping for breathe she can't seem to catch.  
  
"Shit. Alright. In and out, Raelyn. Breathe in and out." Louis instructs calmly, demonstrating steady breaths via the phone.  
  
Rae tries, she does, but all she can hear and see, and think of, is the shadowy figure and Ronan's piercing screams curling her blood. She gasps, clutching harder at he chest, trying to rip it open so she can just _breathe_.  
  
"Raelyn, listen to me. Just my voice, love. You can do this. You're alright. Just breathe in slowly. Count to ten." Louis coaches her. If she isn't in such a state, she would have heard worried voices in the background and the slamming of a door; keys jingling.  
  
"C-c-cant. I-he-Lou-" Rae is now hyperventilating, clawing relentlessly at her chest. The sound of an engine starting up escaping her.  
  
"Rae I need you to focus on me. Ronan is fine. He's okay, he's safe." Louis promises. "I'm on my way, but you have to breathe for me. In for two, out for two. In for four, out for four. All the way to ten."  
  
She shuts her eyes, willing the flashes of the nightmare away, and latching on to Louis' controlled lilt. She inhales shakily, mentally counting. In and out. In and out. In and out. Focuses solely on the sound of his voice.  
  
"Seven, eight, and out slowly. There you go, Rae. You're doing great. Ronan is fine."  
  
Rae continues to follow Louis' directions, still trembling, still clawing at her chest. He stays on the phone with her, calming her down enough so her heart is no longer throwing itself against barbwire. Stays on until there's a knock at the door. With an unsteady balance, her legs feel like gelatin, she slowly makes it down the stairs to unlock and open the door, letting Louis into the dark house.  
  
A light switches on, and immediately he pulls into his embrace His arms wrapped tightly around her shaking body, warm and safe. She's safe now. Protected by Louis, who she now clutches at his shoulder blades, fingertips brushing and nails biting into his skin where the fabric of his singlet doesn't cover. Rae buries her face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent deeply. Her nosed filled with warmth, like the low embers of fire, rain and Louis. She focuses on his pulse against her cheek, pumping faster than normal.  
  
"I'm here now. You're alight, Rae. I've have you." Louis coos in her ear, lips just barely grazing the shell.  
  
Raelyn nods, focusing on the soothing patterns the four hands are tracing along her back. Wait, four hands? Since when did Louis grow another pair of hands. Startled, Rae pulls back far enough to peek out from her hiding place. Forest green eyes meet stormy blue, brown curly hair swooping over his forehead. A sudden wave of comfort washes over her, causing her to abruptly release Louis' shoulder, snatching out to grip at Harry's shirt. He visibly winces, not expecting her to react like that, before he brings one hand to cover hers, squeezing tightly.

  
*  
  
"You didn't have to come over, you know." Rae tells them over the rim of her mug filled with steaming tea. She's nestled tightly between the two boys, snuggled so close that the back of her knees rested on each of their legs.  
  
"Don't start, Rae." Louis chides, rubbing circles into her knee with his thumb.  
  
"It's two in the morning." She states quietly, inhaling the aroma of the tea; its strong.  
  
"Yeah, and that makes a difference?" Harry quips while his fingers brush through her hair.  
  
"Hmm. Should." Rae mumbles.  
  
"Hush and drink your tea."   
  
She does, sipping carefully and accepting the soothing warmth of the liquid that seems to spread throughout her veins. All three are silent for a while, Rae finishing her tea and basking in the comfort of Louis and Harry. She listens to their own breathing, straining to hear their heartbeats for its a sound that always thends to relax her. Louis presses a kiss to her temple the same time Harry's fingers apply slight pressure to her other. A barely audible gasp escapes her lips, her eyes slipping shut from the pounding headache she had since they arrived, and exhaustion.  
  
"Headache?" Harry questions, repeating the motion again.  
  
"Mmhmm." Rae hums, melting into his touch. "Worse back here." She lifts her hand, scratching at the base of her skull. "Always worse."  
  
"Here?" It's Louis instead of Harry, pressing the pads of her fingers at the tight muscles there.  
  
Rae bites her lip, nodding lightly. Not five minutes later, with the tea mug safely out of her hands (Harry noticed it tipping over from her slacking grip and quickly took it away) Rae falls asleep. Her head is resting against Louis' chest, his heartbeat singing her sweet dreams.  
  
Louis just continues to gently massage his fingers through her hair, pushing back loose strands when they fall in her face. He softly traces the fingers of his left hand over her knuckles, trailing up the back of her hand, her wrist, and outlining the camera tattoo etched into her skin. Slowly, ever so slowly, his fingers make their face to her chest plate, just her under collarbones, his touch barely grazing over the red welts on her skin. He lifts three fingers, touches them to his lips, then places them back on the ragged lines on her chest.

He can feel his heart pounding in his chest as he caresses her cheek, and strokes his thumb just beneath her eye, her lashes grazing his thumb. His stomach twists into knots, a slow warmth spreading throughout his body; like the burning beginning of a fire on a winter's night. A good burning, a wonderful warmth that makes Louis drop his head two inches and places his lips on her temple. It's a soft, tender little kiss, and reveals more than he intended.  
  
Because now, his eyes gaze up to meet green. He completely forgot Harry is there, and has been watching him the whole time. Harry's eyes are soft around the edges and there's a knowing smile teasing his lips. His eyes flicker once between the sleeping Rae and Louis, who had ended his little kiss about five seconds too late. Harry opens his mouth and Louis just _knows_.  
  
"You're in love with her." Harry states gently, like a secret carried in the wind. He isn't assuming, he isn't asking. He's just simply stating what's so clear in front of him.  
  
Louis can feel his heart skipping beats and his chest tightens, a little difficult to breathe just then. "I haven't got a clue what you're on about, Harold." Is his response.  
  
"And you're going to deny it because you honestly think she doesn't love you back." Harry breathes out a chuckle.  
  
Rae shifts for a moment in her sleep, Louis glaring at Harry to shut it. She settles again, exhaling a deep breath and seems to find a more comfortable position; half curled into Louis with her feet digging into Harry's thigh. Louis makes a move to prepare to carry her and bring her to her room, when he's stopped.  
  
"You're not getting out of this one, Louis." Harry tells him, pushing his arm out of the way to hold Rae instead.  
  
Louis shrugs as Rae moves again, and together him and Harry bring her up to her room. When she's tucked back in under her duvet, both boys settle back on the couch, grabbing the blankets from the armchair and snuggling into their own slumber. Louis lies awake for several more minutes. He is fucked.  
  
***


	26. Those Two and the Bill

Just two days later Harry invites Raelyn over for a dinner with him and the other lads. Promising a good meal and entertainment in the form of just sitting back and watching Niall kick Liam's butt in FIFA. His main reason, and not just because Louis had asked him to ask her.  
  
"Seriously, Lou." Zayn had chuckled, "You're a grown lad, ask her yourself." To which Louis kindly told Zayn to shove his fag up his nose, and in returns gets Liam's snapback thrown at him. Harry simply invited her anyway.  
  
It's only the second week of December, but the counter tops in the kitchen are already covered with cookies, actual mini loafs of gingerbread and even a pie. Rae had excitedly jumped in to help Harry, after failing to convince Louis to help them and yes, she does trust him with the electric mixer. In the end, after several minutes of flirty banter noticed by all but the two involved, Louis opts to just licking the spoon clean when Rae passes it to him. All this while Zayn stole her camera, snapping pictures of the whole baking experience. Niall leans over Zayn's shoulder, peering at the picture; the way Louis and Rae look at each other in the image shown leaves him speechless.  
  
However, it's not like Louis meant for it to happen. It's not like they planned for the night of pizza to turn into a night filled with crazy entertainment Harry had promised that just happened to go on longer than any of them expected it to. And it's not like Louis planned for Raelyn to somehow end up in his room, awaiting for the tea she was offered and escaping the game of truth or dare going on between the other lads. Niall dared Liam to stand out on the rail of the balcony for thirty seconds, in the biting cold of the night air with no shoes. So after nearly giving Rae and even Zayn a heart attack at their young age, and Zayn rushing forward to pull Liam back down before he could topple over, Rae opted out.  
  
Louis didn't plan on finding Rae dozing off in his room, on his bed. Curled up in the usual way he always seems to find her when she's in that state, after he comes to bring the tea. But she's there, in a little ball of herself trying to keep warm from her body heat alone. There's a slight furrow to her brows, a small downward tilt on the corners of her mouth. Hands balled into fists too tight for her to be in a deep slumber. It's when she murmurs something soft that Louis thinks she could be stepping into the beginning of her regular nightmare.   
  
Not wanting a repeat from two nights ago, Louis places the mug down on his bedside table and slowly sits beside her, gently placing his hand on her shoulder. He rubs comforting circles into her shoulder blade, gently trying to wake her up. She doesn't, just curls into herself more, right hand subconsciously pressing into her chest. Louis lays back grabbing hold of her hand while he trails his other fingers up and down her arm, still calling her name. He reaches the ends of her hair again, snaking his fingers through the strains and brushing them outward. He ends up lightly scratching her scalp when she gasps in her half sleep.   
  
"Raelyn, wake up." Louis tries once more.  
  
Finally, Rae's eyes flutter open, locking on Louis' for a moment, then shuts them again.  
  
"Were you having the dream again?" He inquires quietly, barely over a whisper because he's suddenly so, so close to her.   
  
"S'not a dream. It's hell." She murmurs, frowning again, like she can't get the images out.   
  
Louis has an urge to kiss her forehead (never something new to him lately), promising her that its alright. That he's here and won't ever let any nightmare terrify her. That last part can't be literal unless he's got the power to hop into her dream and fight off the darkness. Louis can't help himself, not when she's looking all distressed and scared and she looks so small to him right now. Still cured up and shivering from something that isn't the temperature. It's when her hand moves to press on her chest again, does Louis give in. He catches hold of her fingers, squeezing lightly as he places a tender kiss on her forehead.   
  
Rae kind of just freezes. She becomes so still that Louis' sure she isn't breathing right now. Her eyes slowly open, blue skies in sphere form, wide and curious. Before she has a chance to speak, Louis beats her to it.  
  
"You're safe with me." He tells her, gentle like the breeze during the summer.   
  
There's this moment. A moment where they both realize exactly how intimate this is. Louis' fingers squeezing around hers, the intensity in Louis' eyes because he's as serious as serious can be, practically laying it all bare before her. Shallowly breathing into each others space, hearing each others heartbeats filling up the quiet of the room. Louis doesn't know how Rae's feeling at the moment, but his chest is tightening in a good way, like when he relieves hugs from Niall after a long break away. His blood is warming through every vein and he feels those stupid little butterflies escaping the cage he has tried capturing them in his stomach. He's fallen so hard for her and he knows he can't hide the softness of his features when he looks at her like this; open and vulnerable.  
  
Then, Raelyn closes her eyes once more, sighing deeply as she snuggles her head underneath Louis' chin and rests her forehead against his chest. Louis adjusts his position a little, still on his side and fully encloses Rae's upper back in his arms.   
  
He's not quite sure he's heard correctly, but he thinks Rae breathes out a barely audible "I know."  
  
So he holds her close, safe and protected from dark figures attempting to steal her brother away. He holds her like that until she falls asleep again. Holds her until he begins to doze off himself. He holds her even as he hears a click of a device he can't think of right now because he's still holding her, halfway between his own awareness and dreamland. He holds her until Zayn comes into his room, Rae's phone in his hands and gently wakes them up. Holds her until he can't hold her anymore when she sits up to take her phone, checking the voice message her mother left her. Rae's fingers linger on Louis' as she slips off the bed and out of his room.  
  
Zayn smiles at her as she passes, then turns his look on Louis, eyebrow raised expectantly. Sometimes, most of the time, Zayn just _knows_ things. It comes with the territory of keeping to himself and observing the people around him. Like that day Rae asked his permission for his photo to be hung in the camera shop. She ended up showing him more of her photography and when it was Louis' turn to see them, Zayn had just sat back and watched. Sat there with a little smirk on his face for so long Louis was ready to chuck his shoe at him. It's the same little smirk he's got on now.  
  
"Will you tell her then?" He questions, leaning against the door frame like some high fashioned model.  
  
"Sod off." Is Louis' weak response, flopping back down on his bed.  
  
"Don't think I don't see the way you look at her, Louis."   
  
_Observant bastard._ Louis shrugs, deciding not to answer; first Harry, now Zayn. If he bet on Liam and Niall not to notice the same things, he'd lose all his money. So he shuts his eyes and wills those butterflies to fly the fuck away already, until they come back full force when he hears Rae's voice again.  
  
"Is he asleep then?" She asks Zayn quietly.  
  
"Yes." Louis answers before Zayn can. Rae laughs. He likes the sound of her laugh, likes _making_ her laugh. Doesn't like how sappy his thoughts have been lately.  
  
"I've got to go. Me mum's home early for once." She's smiling as Louis sits ups.  
  
He watches her give a parting hug and kiss to Zayn's cheek, spins on her heel and leaves the room. Louis quirks an eyebrow, decides to follow her out into the living room. Rae is just slipping on her other shoe while saying goodbye to Liam and goes to leave when Louis finally catches up with her.  
  
"I'll walk you down. Strangers and that."  
  
"Lou, you have walls around your flat." Rae tells him, smiling all the while as he walks her.  
  
Their hug lingers longer than it should. However, it's freezing out and she's warm and smells like coconut and flowers and her hands around gripping his shoulder glades harder than necessary. Louis can feel her inhale deeply, breathing warms his collarbone from where her face is buried in his neck. She thanks him for the nightmare thing. Louis makes her promise to call again if it happens because he'll just there, no matter the time. When they break apart, Louis hovers his hand over her jaw, just barely touching as she stares up at him, the stars in her eyes.

Wow, he needs to take a step back because this all became real. His heart is thumping loudly, his stomach has yet to control those pesky little insects, and Rae is smiling up at him with her eyes soft and face glowing from the moonlight. So Louis slowly drops his hand, and steps back to let her get in her car. He watches her drive away until she turns the corner and disappears. It's freezing and his toes are cold because he walked out barefoot, and the tip of his nose is numb, but the bite of the winter does nothing to snuff the fire left behind by a smile. He is suck a fucking sap, he decides.   
  
*  
  
When Rae arrives home, she sits in her car for several minutes, attempting to calm her pounding heart. The way Louis looked at her, had been looking at her, the way he holds her, how he always seems to be there when her mind falls into the dark. Everything about it all, about him makes her cheeks warm and heart race and she may or may not be silently freaking out over it. This is _Louis_ she's thinking about. Louis fucking Tomlinson. Louis who is in a famous band. Louis, who is kind, and gentle, funny, headstrong and outgoing and honest and- Rae takes a deep breath.   
  
She wills her thoughts away for later, because what's important is why her mother called her being cryptic. It's not news on Ronan, for the phone call would've been more frantic, but rather it's just unanswered. She grips Charlie's steering wheel for a moment before gathering herself and going inside. Rae finds her mother sitting at the small island in the kitchen, ripped open white envelopes scattered around her arms. MaryAnn looks up at the sound of her daughter approaching and holds up a piece of paper.  
  
"Hi lovey. Did you happen to pay for the water bill?" MaryAnn asks, genuinely curious.  
  
"Erm...no?" Rae responds confused, worried. "Did it not get paid?"  
  
"No it did. I was going to pay it today, but this says its already been paid for. Along with the electric, for the next month. Heat's been turned back on too."  
  
"What?" Rae leans over taking the form out of her mum's hand, reading for conformation. "That's...odd."  
  
"I'm guessing you didn't pay the electric either then?"  
  
"I was going to tomorrow once I got my check." She answers, turning the bill over, like the blank back would give them an explanation to the mysterious case of their prepaid bills.  
  
MaryAnn ponders for a moment, instantly looking sheepishly towards Rae. "You don't think, possibly your fath-?"  
  
"No." Rae says sharply. "Not in hell, mum."  
  
"Raelyn." MaryAnn scolds lightly. "He's still-"  
  
"No he's not. Besides, he hasn't so much lifted a finger to call or write in years. I highly doubt he'd suddenly fancied paying our bills just for fun." Rae places the bill down as her mother sighs.   
  
"Alright. I'll figure it out later then. Whoever it was, its was rather nice of them. Just wish I could properly thank them. Have you've eaten, darling?"  
  
"I've already-" Rae cuts herself off with an abrupt thought, "ate. Mum, you just sit and relax,. Have some wine, yeah? I'll make you dinner."  
  
It takes a minute to coax her mother into the living room, switching on the telly to that old classic movie channel. After the wine is poured and her mum settled, Rae's goes back into the kitchen and dials Louis' number. She drums her fingers on the counter while waiting. It rings three times before he picks up.  
  
"You're always honest with me, yes?" Rae speaks before Louis can after he answers.  
  
"Er, yes? Is everything-"  
  
"And you'd tell the truth right, about anything I ask you?"

There's silence for a few moments. "Where is this going?"  
  
"Louis. You didn't pay for our bills even after I told you it was fine?"  
  
"I didn't, no. You were so adamant about it. Why? Do you need help?"  
  
"No, no. It's fine, just strange."  
  
Rae informs Louis of the anonymous paid bills, and that she was just trying to clear things up. She gets off the phone with Louis, biding goodnight and stares fuming at the counter. It can't be _him_ paying. It doesn't makes sense for her father to out of the fucking deep blue, randomly pay for bills. She pushes yet another set of thoughts away, and starts making the dinner she promised her mother.

  
***


	27. The Worst Things in Life Come Free to Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Hospital reality, implied death, mild anxiety attack and mild unintentional self harm.

Seven months has passed since that first day at Hummingbird Hospice. The feelings all five boys get from just putting smiles on the children's faces gave them a natural high. Seven months since they met Rae and Ronan. Louis finds it to be quite surprising, yet comfortable with how easily Rae got along with them. He himself, never expected to become that close to her as quickly as he did. They both just seemed to understand each other, read each other like open books.  
  
Rae always knew when he had his quiet days, when he just simply wanted to be left alone after a fight with his now ex girlfriend. Or when the status of his fame out to be too much to handle, or when he missed his family. She knew how to bring him down a level if his Peter Pan type personality was getting too much for the kids in the hospice to handle. Or she would just humor him and go along with it. She knew when Louis was truly angry, like right after the paparazzi incident. She would notice by the way his jaw set, how his eyes would narrow, and how he just seemed to seethe out steam. She could always tell when he'd have a bad day, when he did fight with Eleanor, or when the fans just got too much when they were, once again, mobbed coming out of Angelique's camera shop.   
  
Later, once they were back at his flat, to make him feel better, Rae teased him about his cruse filled rant. Pointing out the part that made her have to hold back her laughter, and animatedly telling the other boys what had happened. It was during that moment, the other four boys realized something. As Rae continued to poke fun at their mate, they noticed how different Louis laughs around her.

It's because of her, the usual light in Louis' eyes had come back, brighter than before. It never truly went out, just dimmed from his draining relationship, and stress of their job and though they love what they do, they'd all rather not take most of what comes with it. Louis looks at Raelyn like she's the stars lighting the night sky. Raelyn looks at Louis like he hung the moon, and yet, neither of them realize it.   
  
Sometimes Niall just wants to smack Louis upside the head for being so ignorant of his feelings for her. Liam quietly just shakes his head and sighs every time he catches them playing look away. Be it at lunch across the table, across the hallway of the Hospice, and even when Ronan is sitting happily on Louis' lap. If they could only flipping catch each other doing it.  
  
Harry will nudge Louis' arm or wink at Rae when the other shows up and the one he's next to either falls silent or suddenly loses their train of thought. Zayn, well Zayn just shakes his head fondly because their flirting is subtle but noticeable enough for him to catch it every time. He just looks at Louis expectantly with his eyebrows raised and snuffing out his fag with the soul of his shoe when he watches Louis walk Rae out to her car. Normally by the time Louis is within earshot, Zayn's mumbling a "kids these days" line and walks away.  
  
Louis reads Rae just as well, if not a little better. He knows when she was upset, concerned, stressed. He knows when she's had a rough nights sleep, plagued by her nightmare, whether she calls him at night or sees her in the morning. He can tell when she's nearing her breaking point, and when her eyes become glassy, but remain dry with the tears she can't produce. Louis knows it's a bad day when Rae's breathing becomes frantic and eventually turns into a panic attack. How instead of rubbing her chest when it's mild, her fingernails actually dig into her skin, and her teeth practically cut into her bottom lip. He hates those days. Hates when he feels like he is so helpless to her, but he still takes her hand in his and knows all she needs is an anchor. Something, someone, to hold her tight, hold her down to the ground and has the knowledge that she's not alone.   
  
That's how Louis finds her today, after their final acoustic performance in the last room. Leaves behind Harry and Niall as little Olivia puts fake flowers in their hair. Rae had handed her camera to Liam to take pictures before she quietly excuses herself early. So Zyan and Louis decide to invite Rae out for lunch, attempting to find where she ran off too. Their search is short once they spot her at the end of the hallway they don't really visit, standing beneath the ICU sign.  
  
Rae stands outside of the closed door, her eyes fixed on something through the narrow glass window, the only visible way to see inside. Her left arm is crossed over stomach as her right hand is digging into the skin of her chest, like she's trying to squeeze her heart. She's chewing on her lower lip, assaulting it with her teeth while her whole body is visibly shaking. Louis wonders how long she's stood there for, and what she's exactly viewing to get her so riled up.   
  
Louis feels Zyan move pass him, and watches has his friend places his arm tentatively around Rae's tense shoulders. She doesn't even look up, she just simply seems to melt into Zayn's side. Misplaced envy starts to stir in Louis's stomach and just lets the feeling surge to his mouth, tasting bitter on his tongue. He wants to be the one comforting Rae, it's always been him since they met. He realize the quick surge of jealously is him being utterly ridiculous because as soon as Zayn shoots him a this _look_ , the brief jealousy Louis felt vanishes. He cautiously makes he way over to them, nervous for what he is about to witness. Standing behind Rae, he allows his eyes to travel upwards and peer through the window into the room. Louis' stomach drops.   
  
In the ICU room sits two parents, holding their sick twins in each of their arms. Louis knows those twins. They're sat close together, so all four of them are touching in someway. Beautiful Amanda and Alexis hold each others hands, and their parents. Their soft bald heads lay against their parents chests, with eyes closed and bodies limp. Louis notices, because he likes to torture himself, the wires still hooked to the girls, which leads to the heart monitors. Each beep on the line grow further and further apart.   
  
His eyes focus back on the parents, rocking their children side to side with tears slowly running down their faces. With a surge of realization and fear, Louis figures out what's happening. He now knows the reason for Rae's current state, for Zayn's sad expression and the family huddled together. Alexis and Amanda are dying. Their short lives about to be pulled away from them in their parents arms. In front of his own eyes, in front of Zayn's, and in front of Raelyn's.  
  
Raelyn. _Fuck_. He should have known sooner, like the second he saw her. Louis makes an unexpected move, his arms awkwardly jerking up and he snakes his arms around Rae's waist, pulling her back against his chest. He can feel her breath hitch, and once her chest heaves up powerfully, Louis decides it's time to pull her away. He understands now, he's an idiot for not seeing it sooner.  
  
Steering Rae away from the room, he leads her down the hallways, through out the double doors and into the lift. Guides her through the front lobby until all three of them are safely outside of the hospice.  
  
It's only then does Louis gently spin the wreck of a girl around. Rae's hand is clawing against her chest, alternating between rubbing and scratching, leaving red streaks behind. Louis takes her worrying hand into his own, and caressed her cheek with his other.   
  
"Rae," Louis speaks so softly, it's hard for Zayn to hear even standing next to him.   
  
Rae frantically shakes her head, loose hair falling out from her braid, sky blue eyes now turned stormy grey flickering up to the building.  
  
"Raelyn, love, please look at me." He urges quietly. Once her eyes snap back to his, he continues. "Breathe, just breathe. Count."  
  
Zayn has taken it upon himself to rub soothing circles on Rae's back, which seems to calm her a little. Her eyes are flickering back and forth between the two boys, seeming to find comfort in both of them. Louis watches as Rae slowly comes back to herself, the blue of her eyes coming back and the assault on her chest slowing down.  
  
Louis is trying so hard himself not to reaction to what they just saw, but his number one priority is the nearly breaking girl in front of him. "Why do you do this to yourself, sweetheart?" He asks gently. "This isn't good for you."  
  
"You know why." Rae whispers, her voice wavering, eyes completely dry.  
  
Zayn stands there slightly confused while he listens to the two talk, curiosity burning inside him.  
  
"Yes." Louis continues, tightening his grip on her hand when it reflexively jerks toward her chest again. "But forcing yourself, torturing yourself to watch them, isn't going to make yourself cry. You shouldn't force it like that. It hurts you."  
  
"That could be Ronan soon." Rae states, so emotionless that it straight out scares Louis.  
  
"Raelyn, don't think like that." Zayn jumps in, squeezing her shoulder.  
  
Louis nods. "You can't afford to think like that. This isn't good for you, Rae. You can't torture yourself like this." Louis swallows hard, when he thinks back to the room.   
  
"Let's get you home, yeah?" Zayn offers, for which Louis is grateful for.   
  
Rae leans into Louis, presses her forehead against his collarbones and clutches tight at his shirt and hand she's still holding. She inhales, and nods, her head lingering against Louis. _Anchor._  
  
After convincing a reluctant Rae, despite her agreeing and still shaken up, they drive her home, being sure to catch her if she wavers again. Louis notices her come back to herself as she begins to silently mouth the words to the songs on the radio. Notices the way she's rubbing her fingers along her To the Moon and Back tattoo. They stay a bit longer than necessary when they walk her inside. Zayn makes Rae cozy up on the couch, choosing a movie for her while Louis goes to make her tea.   
  
When they leave, reassured by Rae that she'll be just fine, they drive off once again. The car ride is silent, Louis welcoming it.   
  
"Did you not want to come in?" Zayn asks as he gets in front of his flat.  
  
"No, I got some things to do." Is his response. Understanding, Zayn just nods and closes the door.  
  
*  
  
The three hour trip to Doncaster feels longer than that. Maybe it's because of the overcast weather, threatening to snow. Maybe it's because Louis had planned his trip home the minute he saw those little twins. Or maybe it is due to the fact that the twins remind him of his own sisters.   
  
Louis' visit is a lovely surprise for his family, arriving just after ten at night. His mother greets him warmly, as do the two eldest girls. After a cup of tea with his mum, she informs him of the youngest girls are already in bed. Louis takes that as his own cue to make his way to their room. He quietly peeks his head in, taking in the sight of his beautiful twin sisters. He carefully makes his way to one of them, picking her up gently, and moving over to the other girls bed, laying down.   
  
He adjusts both girls in his arms, as they snuggled up to him in their sleep. Louis places gentle kisses on each of their heads, tightening his grip. He couldn't help but think of his girls when witnessing the scene at the hospice. He would have no idea what to do or how to act if it was him in that situation. He wonders again, for the thousandth time, how Rae is able to handle herself so well.   
  
Or rather, has been. Lately she's been tittering on the edge of her walls and Louis thinks Rae is on the verge of falling. He wants to be there for her, help her, glue her back together. But for the moment, he pushes that and all other thoughts of the girl he has fallen for aside. All that matters to him now is his twin sisters in his arms, alive and healthy and beautiful.   
  
"I love you both, my little munchkins." Louis tells them softly, before allowing his eyes to close and sleep to take him.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I reread and post this, there are times where I feel bad for writing it the way I have, and putting so many triggering things. However, I have also lived in a children's hospital not too long ago, and experienced things no one should ever have to. So, prior to that event in my life, I tried keeping this as real as possible. After that event, it's still as real as possible....there's another future chapter that's a tribute to my time there, watching someone you love go through something like that.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	28. Does God Hate the Sickly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: panic attack, reality.

Yesterday was rough, Raelyn thinks, coming back from the Hospice's cafe for lunch. Though apparently not as rough as the next thing to come out of her brothers mouth once she settles back onto his bed. Ronan blinks his blue eyes up at her and tilts his head. Rae snaps a quick little picture.  
  
"Ra-Ra. Are they coming back?" Ronan asks suddenly.  
  
"Is who coming back, Ro?" Rae inquiress, putting away her camera in her new bag.  
  
"Lexi and Mandi. They said we could play. Why don't they want to play with me anymore?"  
  
Ronan is unknowingly pulling at her heart strings. How is she suppose to tell him that his friends aren't ever come back. She feels the usual beginning of her spasms and chooses to ignore it. She can't have a break down in front of her brother they way she did last night with Louis and Zayn. 

Rae opens her mouth to speak when Ronan interrupts her.  
  
With a pout on his face, he says, "Did God steal them?"  
  
 _Fuck._ Okay, okay, she can do this. "Bud, God didn't _steal_ them. He just...He...brought them to...Neverland. Yeah, He just brought them to Neverland."  
  
Ronan perks up, blue eyes bright and so innocently wide. "Where you never grow old.!?"  
  
Swallowing the sudden lump in her throat and ignoring the twinge in her chest, Rae nods. "Right. Where you never grow old." She smiles, pulls her brother onto her lap and presses little kisses all over his forehead.  
  
It makes Ronan giggle into her shoulder. The room is quite all expect for Raelyn singing softly in his ear. She gets to the middle of _You are my Sunshine_ , when Ronan's curiosity gets at him.  
  
"Sissy." He whispers, twisting backwards in her arm to see her face. "Does God hate me?"  
  
It is so simply asked, and it makes Rae halt her singing mid sentence. She's silent a second too long, and Ronan actually taps his hand against her cheek. "W-what?" Rae stutters slowly, after her shock wares off.  
  
"God." Ronan repeats, pointing one finger up towards the ceiling. "Why does God hate me?"  
  
Right, maybe she can't do this. "Ronan sweetie, what makes you think God hates you?"  
  
"I'm sick." The little boy states, like he is telling his sister that the sky is blue. "Did He make me have cancur because He doesn't like me?"  
  
Rae feels something like an anvil falling onto her heart, crushing it until there was nothing but dust settling in her chest. It's suddenly difficult to breathe properly. She adjusts the grey beanie Louis had given him the second time they had visited.  
  
"Ronan. God could never hate you. Ever. Never ever."  
  
"But why? Why did he give me cancur?" Ronan's eyes pierce into his older sisters. Confused, and innocent and wanting answers.  
  
How is she suppose to answer this. She doesn't know, they never went over this with her or her mum. How the bloody hell is she suppose to answer a four year olds question to the hatred of God? She has no idea where it came from. He's only a four year old boy. A smart four year old.  
  
Sighing, Rae softly kisses Ronan's nose. "Ro, listen to me, yeah? God didn't make you sick. He doesn't hate you, Bud. God is just trying his best to make you feel better."  
  
"Like the doctors!"  
  
"Exactly. Like the doctors. He's helping the doctors make you feel better so you can come home. Would you like to come home for Christmas?" Rae take her brothers face between her hands while he nods eagerly. "God loves you, Ronan. And I love you, and mummy loves you and Rex loves you and Jackie and Greg and Cody, and Olivia. All your friends here love you."  
  
"Do Loueh and Hazzer and Nailer ("Nialler, Ro.") Liam and Zayn love me too?"   
  
Rae smiles. "Of course they do. We all love you very much. God especially. He just wants you to get better so you could beat Niall at that video game."  
  
"Yeah!" Ronan laughs, falling backwards on the bed, tiny legs still in his sisters lap.   
  
"You're a little goofy bugger, you is." Rae laughs, leaning over to blow raspberries into his stomach. "Love you to the moon and back."  
  
*  
  
  
She had been ignoring it all day and straight into the still of the night. Ronan's question, spoken with such innocent curiosity, lingers in her mind. It planted itself in the depths of her brain, haunting her while she sits alone, in her quite room, lit only by the soft glow of golden hues of the Christmas lights. Earlier, Rae had grabbed her Polaroid, fiddling with the thick black strap, and running her fingers over the slot that ejects the pictures.   
  
Maybe it's bit depressing, boarder line morbid, reveling in a part of her that's pessimistic, but Rae raises her arms slowly. She points the lens toward her, leveling with her face. However, in the morning she came up with a new topic for her next round of photos; the realism of life; emotions. Maybe one day, she thinks bitterly, after this mini project of hers is done and all her self proclaimed photo shoots are placed in an organized portfolio, she'll present it to several photography companies. For now, she just locks herself away in her room.  
  
She presses her index finger down on the shutter button, the flashless snap capturing the expression on her face. The camera makes a mechanical sound, pushing out the freshly taken photo. She places the camera down gently atop the duvet, leaving the picture untouched, to slowly develop on its own. Rae sighs, bringing her knees to her chest, fingertips grazing over her collarbones. No matter what she had done the rest of the day, the question her brother asked plays on repeat.  
  
  
Rae had been so grateful that her brothers attention span was only a few minutes long and therefore was easily distracted by the mere mention of video games. She didn't know how she'd gotten through that, if just barely. She just had to make Ronan believe that God does loves him.  
  
Raelyn is struggling with that herself, because if that's the case, then why is her baby brother suffering? Why him? What had he done to deserve this? He was only a year old when they found out. Was there anything she could have done, pray more, attend church more, have more faith, to prevent it? Did God truly hate, not her brother, but her family, her mother, her _father_? Was Rae so much of a burden, a hassle, a bad child that God was punishing her mother by making Ronan sick as payback for having her eldest daughter? Is that the real reason why their father left them behind. Because she was acting too much like the child he said she was?  
  
She shakes her head, now pressing her fingers into the skin at her chest. The clenching begins, painfully tight around her heart. She should rid her thoughts before the pains get worse; but it does. Always does. Rae winces, gasping aloud as a sharp spasm shoots through her chest. She could never get use to how violent they could be. All she wants to do was shed a few simple tears, and she can't. She can't even do a simple task. How hard is it to force out water from your eyes. Excruciatingly hard apparently. Her father's voice fills her ears, calling her out like he did the day he left. _Stop crying. Stop crying. You're acting like a child._   
  
"Shit." Rae hisses, digging her nails harder, trying to refocus the pain on anything else. Her top teeth cut into her bottom lip, trying to hold back the inevitable panic attacks, the gasps of air.   
  
That invisible, internal hand grabs its vice grip around her chest, twisting and pulling. Why does God allow children to have cancer, anyone to have it. Is it actually Him, or the cruel reality of the world itself, and- _no, stop thinking about that._ She starts panting now, left hand gripping the sheets, eyes squeezed shut, white hot spots flashing behind her lids.  
  
"Breathe, just breathe." She repeats to herself.   
  
It's working. She is utterly alone in an empty house, in her empty room.   
  
"He's fine. He's going to be fine!" Rae gasps out, attempting to believe her own words.  
  
Despite trying to ward of a panic attack, it still to creeps up on her. She needs someone. She needs Louis. Rae opens her eyes, scanning her bed for her phone she knows she left there. She snatches it up, quickly unlocking and pulling up the contact, never mind it being well past midnight.  
  
She listens to the ringing, but after six rings the call goes to voicemail. She hangs up. Has to take a few moments as a rather vicious spasm rakes through her chest, then redials again. Rae gets lucky the second time around. He answers after the fourth ring.  
  
"Breathe, love." Louis voice is alert, just barely laced with sleep. "Deep breathes remember? In and out. In for two."  
  
Nodding like he can see her, Rae shuts her eyes once again, listening to the raspy lilt of Louis' soothing voice. She wishes he was there with her. To hold onto him like she's been doing for months. To feel his warmth seeping into her, calming her, holding her together, muttering words that would calm her down like how he is now.   
  
"Out for eight. Again Raelyn, you're doing good, just one more yeah? It's going to be alright." Louis coaches.  
  
Rae inhales a shuddering breath, holds it for ten seconds while Louis counts, then exhales slowly. Her breathing returns to normal and that internal hand releases it's grip on her heart. She can hear Louis sigh in relief.   
  
"I hate this, Louis." Rae mumbles, a much lighter spasm shooting through her. "I really, truly loathe this."  
  
"I know, lovely." Louis sighs again, rather sadly. "I wish I could be there for you."

There's a pause that lasts a good seven seconds, because what does he mean? Confused, Raelyn asks "Why-why can't you?"  
  
"I'm in Doncaster."  
  
"Doncaster? When did you go to Doncaster?"  
  
"Erm...last night. I should have told you. I'm such an idiot. Should've realized you probably needed me."  
  
"No, Louis, no. Don't apologize, it's fine, really. I swear. I'll be fine, I don't need- I'm not that...I can take care. I- shit. I don't mean to be so needy, I guess."  
  
"Raelyn," Louis chuckles softly. "I didn't mean it like that, you goof. I just had to visit me family. Had to see me girls."  
  
Oh. Rae isn't stupid, she puts two and two together. Despite her working herself up the previous day, Louis' own expression didn't go unnoticed by her. She should have been the one to check on him. She asks about his family, about his sisters and how the twins are doing. Louis says they all were excited and surprised to see him.  
  
They talk for an hour, until Rae is practically falling asleep and Louis announces that he sent a text to the boys, who should be on their way over now. Rae mutters that the door is locked and unless they plan on breaking and entertaining, there's no way in. Louis just kindly requests that she leaves the key under something or in the mailbox. Rae ends up grumbling about Louis making her get out of bed, and places her house key in the flower pot next to the door.   
  
Rae is now falling asleep to the sound of Louis singing to her. The last thing she sees and remembers before passing out, is the unmistakable tattooed arm of Zayn coming to check on her.  
  
***


	29. Can We Pay Your Bills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Destiny's Child "Bills, Bills, Bills"

 

Rae's startled awake by a loud crash coming from the first floor. Her eyes fly open, landing on the digital clock next to her bed; 6:58 am. She groans. It's her day off dammit. Rae weakly wipes the sleep from her eyes, shifting and stretching out her body with the covers tangled around her legs before sitting up. Another loud crash alarms her, finally realizing with a surge of fear, that it's too early for her mother to be home yet.  
  
Glancing around her room looking for anything that can be a makeshift weapon. Her eyes lands on a clear umbrella sitting in the corner of her room, so she gets up, grabbing it before quietly and cautiously tip-toeing downstairs. This intruder isn't very discrete, not with how they're making all sorts of noises in the kitchen.

Rae presses herself against the wall just before the entrance, hoping her any sort of ninja skills comes in handy. Taking in a deep breath, she peeks around the wall and sees nothing. She leans back, shrugs and throws caution to the wind. She abruptly jumps out from behind the wall, umbrella weapon raised in the air. Apparently said intruder was further in the kitchen than she thought, and they turn the same moment Rae jumps out; both yelping in surprise.  
  
"Bloody hell, Harry!" Rae curses loudly. "How'd you get in here? Actually, why are you here?"  
  
Harry eyes the umbrella warily, frying pan in hand. "What do you mean? We were here all night. What were you going to do, poke our eyes out?"  
  
She lightly smacks his hip with her weapon of choice. "I thought you were robber or -wait no. You didn't answer my question. How'd you get in here? Why are you holding a frying pan and, why are Zayn's glasses on the counter?"  
  
Harry chuckles, placing the frying down on the counter. "You're rather observant in the morning."  
  
"You broke into my house." Rae mumbles, pouting as Harry makes mocking hand motions to her umbrella.  
  
"First, my little umbrella wielding pal, you were the one who put the key in the flower pot. Louis called us around two in the morning. Told us to get our arses over here otherwise he'll take back out Christmas gifts, but by the time we got here you were already sleeping. So Zayn and I decided to stay the night. Liam and Niall were here too, but they were called for a radio interview and had to leave."   
Rae's mouth falls open into a little _O_ , recalling her panic attack last night. She finally drops the umbrella on the island, leans forwards and drops her face into her hands. "I forgot. M'sorry."  
  
A moment later, she feels a hand rub soothingly at her back. "Wanna talk about it? Louis was beside himself. Almost drove back in the dead of night. In a snowstorm." Harry informs her. Rae makes a sudden sound, but Harry reassures her.  
  
"He didn't though. We tried convincing him to stay a few more days. But he's stubborn and worried about you so, he'll be back tonight."  
  
Rae nods and misses the way Harry bites his lip in concern. "Do you not want to talk about it? It's just..." He pauses to take a breath. "Your, erm, your chest was a bit red and I just want to make sure you're alright."  
  
Raelyn peeks an eye out first, then drops her hands, leans up and places one hand on Harry's and squeezes. The tiny show of appreciation doesn't go unnoticed; Harry returning a smile.  
  
"I'm all good now, yeah." She tells him quietly. "Ronan is- he can be quite curious. He's so smart, you know. He notices things most four year old shouldn't. He noticed that the twins weren't there and just started asking questions. Like why this and why that and if God hates him. I guess it just got to me and gave myself a bit of panic attack." She shrugs. "But thank you, really, for checking on me."  
  
Harry wraps one arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a side hug. "You're our friend Rae, remember? Of course we'll check on you. Would've done it with or without Lou's threats." He chuckles softly and picks up on the fond smile Rae's attempting to hide.  
  
"He really cares for you."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You really care for him."  
  
"Yeah...I do."  
  
"Do you like him?"  
  
"Harry-"  
  
"Because y'know, if two people like each other, normally they do something about it. Like a date, or I don't, something really crazy like confess their feelings."   
Rae untangles herself from his arm. "Harry, please. It's not like that. I care for him, yeah. Quite a lot really. But I just- I can't- he..he just. He just got out of a serious relationship and...what? Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
Harry's got this smirk playing on his lips, eyebrows raised and expression expectant. "You, my darling, are so oblivious."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"The both of you. Crazy kids these days."   
Rae laughs despite herself.  
  
"You like him."  
  
"Well, if you knew then why ask, hmm?"  
"So you can admit it to yourself, obviously." Harry rolls his eyes.  
  
Rae falls silent, stomach twisting in anxious knots. "Don't tell him, please. There's just so much going on and Ronan-"  
  
"It's alright, Rae. Of course I won't. Now, go find Zayn for me so I can make breakfast."  
  
With that, Harry playfully pushes her out of her own kitchen. Maybe winking a little at the information he got out of her.

*  
  
She finds Zayn just up the street, behind the big oak tree on the outskirts of the little playground; too early for any families. He's leaning against the trunk, fag held loosely between his fingers, leather jacket zipped up tight. He's looking rather exhausted, probably way too early for him to be up as well. Rae can sympathize as she leans against the trunk next to him.  
  
They don't speak, having come to an unspoken agreement since the first time Rae stood next to him outside the Hospice. Instead, she smiles up at him. She sees the way his eyes flicker down to her chest where her own blue coat is unbuttoned, and lifts the smoking cigarette to his lips. Zayn nods once, raises his fist and gently bumps it against her temple.  
  
It's a kind gesture from Zayn. Like he understands what went through her mind the night before, what a hell of a week it's been. It's his own strange comfort he's offering her. He finally smiles back at her, then moves his arm to lock around Rae's neck. He pulls her into his shoulder; smells like smoke and the faint sent of his cologne and maybe a little like the Christmas tree wallflower Rae has plugged into her room.  
  
They stay like that for several minutes, until snow flurries begin to fall from the sky and Zayn mutters a "too bloody fucking cold".  
  
When they get back to the house, the heaters been turned on, and Rae insists Zayn warms up by taking a shower upstairs. After pushing a grumbling Zayn towards the stairs with a fresh towel in hand she grabbed from the wash room, Rae walks into the kitchen. Walks into the kitchen and sees no breakfast, but instead catches sight of Harry slipping a white envelope beneath the fruit bowl on the island.  
  
"What's that?" Rae asks curiously.  
  
Harry balances slightly, snatching the envelope back up and hiding it behind his back.  
  
"Nothing!" Harry lies quickly. "Just a letter."  
  
Rae raises an eyebrow. "For me?"  
  
"Um-"  
  
"Or Santa? You know Christmas is in two weeks, yeah? I'm fairly positive the fruit bowl can't magically send your letter to the North Pole."  
  
"For, erm, your mum?" Harry shrugs sheepishly.  
  
"Right." Rae reaches forward around Harry, as he circles around her.

She glares playfully at him, then they're locked in a funny little keep away dance for several moments before Rae successfully snatched the white paper out of his hands. Smiling triumphantly, she takes several steps back, opening the unsealed envelope. The smile she has on her face from the small victory, slowly fades away as her fingers file through a bulk pounds. She can feel her mouth go dry, her face numb. Rae fells a surge of affection in her heart, the same time a spasm shoots through her chest, if only briefly. She counts once, twice, and on the third recount, the feeling in her face comes back.  
  
Harry had sunk quietly onto one of the stools at the island, resting patiently on his elbows for the shock girl to say something. He hadn't planned on Rae finding the money until he and Zayn were long gone from her house.  
  
"Harry." Rae finally breathes out. She says his name so soft, it takes Harry some delayed seconds to realize she spoke. Rae looks up at him, blue ocean tides meeting sea green grass.  
  
"This...this is 5,000 pounds."  
  
Harry clears his throat, shakes out his hair, and answers, "Yes...it is."  
  
"You," She shakes the money slightly, "were leaving this under the bowl."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You were putting five grand underneath fruit. Here. For me? For us? Oh my God, are you the one who anonymously paid our bills?"  
  
Harry nods slowly.  
  
Rae holds out the money. "I can't take this."  
  
"But...you need it. Louis told us-"  
  
"Harry." Rae's sharp tone cuts him off. She feels something like anger flutter in her stomach, going as quickly as it came. "Louis shouldn't have said anything. I can not keep this."  
  
But Harry is shaking his head, curls flying wildly with the motion. "I'm not taking it back." He states firmly. "We want to help you and your mum. You both work double shifts, yeah? That'll help for a least a month or two. I wanted to cook breakfast this morning. Kinda difficult when there isn't any food in your house. So you keep it, or give it to your mum, but I'm not taking it back."  
  
Rae began shaking her head halfway through his little speech. "It's too much, Harry." She says weakly, as another spasm clench her chest. If she could, she's pretty sure she'd be tearing up right now.  
  
"It's not enough." He corrects her. "We each put in a grand. It'll help keep your electricity on, and food in the fridge and heat because its winter and I don't want to see you turn blue because of it. Plus Ronan's hospital bills and..." Harry trailed off, words dying at the sight of his friend.   
Rae's chest is heaving silently, her hand free from the money pressed firmly against her chest, languidly circling her skin. Her blue eyes locked on the pounds. Harry get up slowly, making his way around the counter to stand in front of her. He gently takes hold of her hand, long fingers wrapping delicately around her small wrist. He pulls her hand away from her chest, rubbing his thumb soothingly over her knuckles.  
  
"It's too much." Raelyn repeats, pressing the envelope to Harry's chest, between his tattoos. "Too much. I don't understand why you want to help us."   
Harry chuckles. "Isn't it obvious, Rae? Someone's got big heart eyes for you."   
Rae is shaking her head again. Because he can't. He just can't.  
  
Harry sighs. Knows that Louis' feelings for Rae and vice versa is a subject for another day. "You're our friend, Raelyn. And we deeply care for our friends. We'd help them in anyway we can. So please," Harry brings her hand to the envelope on his chest, pushing it back from him, into both her hands, "just take it? Louis feels- we feel like we can't do more."  
  
"Being here is enough." Rae tells him, stepping back to shove the money under the fruit bowl. "I've told him that."  
  
"Yeah, well, Louis can be so thick at times." Comes Zayn's voice from the doorway of the kitchen.  
  
Startled, Rae turns to glare at him. "Aren't you suppose to be in the shower, mister?"   
Zayn shrugs. "He wants to help you, Rae-Rae. Like genuinely help you. because he genuinely cares for you and genuinely lo-"   
"Ok. Alright. We all want to help." Harry cuts him off quickly.  
  
Rae turns back to Harry, a small smile spreading on her lips. She lifts her weight on her tip toes, leaning forward several inches to place a gentle, warm kiss on his cheek, right where his dimple is hiding. "Thank you, Harry." Then she lowered herself down.  
  
She walks over to Zayn, pecks a grateful kiss on his cheek as well, and actually pulls him in for a hug. He still smells like smoke and he still feels cold. "Go take a shower you, tit."  
  
Zayn bops her nose which makes her scrunch it up like, in Louis own words "a bunny and it's just damn cute ok." Which Zayn has heard about several times before.  
  
"Language, my dear." Zayn teases, then quickly runs out of the kitchen avoiding Rae's swipe of her hand.  
  
Harry fondly shakes his head at both of them. His phone buzzes in his back pocket, flashing Louis' name across it. He hands it to Rae without answering, smirking as she sticks out her tongue at him.  
  
  
****


	30. That Time of Year

Rae feels bitter when she wakes up a week before Christmas, too early for the sun to be up yet. Thankfully she thinks, as she slowly pushes herself out of bed, she only has one shift at the diner today and can spend it serving people in the midst of finishing up their shopping. Handing coffee to impatient people while they tap their toes with their designer shoes and thinks that's the most important thing about Christmas. She some times hates the holidays. Rae wishes for good health to Ronan...and maybe a new coffee maker.  
  
By the time Rae gets to the diner, she's shivering in her coat, little snow flurries stuck in her braid and sprinkled atop her beanie. Another co-worker of hers hands her a mug of steaming coffee, which she takes gratefully after pulling off her gloves and warming her fingers on the mug itself.  
  
"You know just how to treat a lady, Max." Rae sighs, inhaling the strong aroma.   
  
Max waves his hand in the air. "Yeah, yeah. Go warm up those cinnamon buns, why don't ya."  
  
"Love of my life, you are." Rae teases.  
  
She runs into Jasper, the owner of the self named diner himself, and immediately knows it's going to be a busy morning. He tells her he's baked a fresh batch of festive pastries and asks if her mother would like some. Rae tells him he should drop them off at her work himself, and if Jasper blushes a little at that, she just smiles kindly.  
  
It's full on snowing by the end of Rae's shift. It's almost peaceful looking. The freshly fallen powder, white and glittering, makes the city sparkle under the streams of sunlight poking through the snow clouds. Until a car speeds past and almost splashes Rae with half melted, dirty slush. She steps back and unlocks her car, sighing as she get in. There was a time when Christmas was Raelyn's favorite time of year; filled with joy, laughter, baking and the smell of balsam. Filled with beautiful songs and the brightest of smiles from unwrapped toys. Times spent with family and friends, enjoying the meaning of the day while with each other company. At least, it was like that three years ago.   
  
Now, however, it's filled with hospital visits, carefully monitored excitement, tight budgeting, and sacrificed trips to out of town family homes. Filled with somber faces, and fakes smiles, and the smell of antiseptic. Sounds of beeping machines and the haunting cries at night. It's not as if Rae hates it now, no. This time of year has just lost most of it's magic, most of it's hope. Rae takes out her camera from her new bag and snaps a few photos of the city, frowning when she puts it back. She just wishes that this years Christmas will be better than the previous.  
  
The drive over to the Hospice is a little slower than normal, people driving a bit more cautiously. She finally parks, and swallows the bitterness she felt since she woke up. An unexpected (like they're ever expected) spasm clenches at her chest momentarily. Rae winces, then gets her self control back and ignores how her chest feels. Tightening her petticoat around herself for extra warm, she steps out of her car and right into a puddle of the same kind of slush she was nearly hit with earlier.   
  
"Honestly." Rae groans, shaking out her foot and thoroughly soaked shoe. "Fuck the snow."  
  
*  
  
  
"He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other, it came just the same! And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling; 'How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!' And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. 'Maybe Christmas,' he thought, 'doesn't come from a store. "Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more.'"  
  
As it turns out, one of Ronan's favorite Christmas stories is the Grinch. He begged his sister to read it to him once more, and as Rae turns the page during her third reading, Dr. Ramsy taps on the open door.  
  
"Good afternoon, Raelyn." He greets kindly, then smiles at Ronan. "What are you doing today, Ronan?"  
  
Ronan looks up from the pictures in the book at the sound of his name, smiling back brightly. "Ra-Ra is reading to me. See!" He points a small finger to the pictures. "Mr. Grinch!"  
  
"Isn't that just lovely! That's my favorite book. Are we feeling any better today?" Doctor Ramsey asks cheerfully, checking the heart monitor next to the bed.   
  
"Uh-huh! My head hasn't hurted all day." Ronan giggles then pats the book. "But the Grinch was bad. He pretended to be Sandy Claws!"  
  
Rae can't help but to stifle a laugh; because she's pretty sure Sandy Claws gets kidnapped in The Nightmare Before Christmas and Ronan just can't fully pronounce the name. She drops a fond kiss on his beanie clad head. Ronan simply twists his head puckering his small lips and stretches to reach her cheek. Rae leans down and get a sloppy kiss to her face.  
  
"Well, that silly ol' Grinch will be on the naughty list, won't he?" Ramsy states. He turns his attention to the nurse, Annie who just came in with a tray of food. "How about you help Annie eat your lunch, while I talk to your sister. Is that alright?"  
  
Ronan nods, climbing off his sister's lap and stealing the book from her hands, as he settles back against his pillows. Doctor Ramsey motions for Rae to follow him out of the room, bidding Ronan a goodbye. An uneasy knot begins forming in the pit of Rae's stomach as it always does when any doctor has to talk to her. There's this split second of pure terror fear, like her brain just can't help but think the worse. That this could be it, the last moments with her baby brother. Before she can fully give herself another panic attack, the doctor smiles brightly.  
  
"I was looking over Ronan's vitals and decided to give him clearance." He tells her, looking over the clipboard in his hand.  
  
"Clearance?" Rae questions, a little confused. "For what?"  
  
"To go home for the Holidays. Ronan can go home for Christmas."  
  
Rae can feels her mouth fall open. There's got to be some sort of miracle left in the Spirit of Christmas then, because Ronan allowed home for Christmas has never happened in the past three years. Her heart flutters with excitement.  
  
"Honestly!?" She all but squeals in delight. "This isn't a joke? How long can he stay?"  
  
"Honestly. Only the two days though, I'm afraid, the 24th and 25th. However, if it isn't too much to ask, I would feel more comfortable if he were back by Christmas evening. He still has to be monitored closely, and Jackie and Greg will be on standby should anything happen. According to the recent tests, Ronan's been steady enough to be allowed a trip home."  
  
"I just- yeah. Yeah. That's fine, I understand. If anything happens I'll call. We'll be back that evening. Thank you so much!"   
  
"I'll give this to you and make sure you pass it to your mother." Ramsy hands Rae thin packet of paper. "I'll give her more details when she visit later."  
  
"Alright. Thank you again!"   
  
"My pleasure, Rae. Now go down to the cafe and eat something. You've been here since seven."  
  
With that, they parts ways, an ecstatic smile on Rae's lips. She quickly checks back on Ronan , who is trying to force a grape into Annie's mouth. "Ro, bud. I'll be right back soon okay? Enjoy your play time with Olivia, yeah?"  
  
Ronan nods and throws a grape at Rae, who catches it with her hand, and pops it into her mouth. He giggles as Annie scolds playfully. "Bring back mummy!"  
  
"I'll try, lovely." Rae blows a kiss.  
  
"To the cheese!" Ronan shouts, then coughs into his little fist, but smiles brightly.  
  
"And back."  
  
  
*  
  
  
Rae doesn't know why she decided to make the call outside in the snow, with her foot still wet and completely numb. The wind is blowing a little harder and the sky has fully blocked out the sun and it the cold just bites at her cheeks. She mentally cruses herself for not just going into the car and turning up the heat. She listens to the ringing through her phone several times before it goes to voicemail. She hangs up.  
  
Some times, most of the time, Rae forgets that Louis is an actual pop star in an incredibly, famous band. Even though said band is on a long break, they still have other work related things to attend to. Like radio interviews, promo videos, writing session, hanging out with other beautifully famous people. So being sent to voicemail shouldn't disappoint her as much as it does. She guesses she's just so used to Louis always answering, like he just knows when she needs him.  
  
That thought hits her. She needs him. Rae needs Louis like the sky needs the sun, and when it's not there, all she sees are the shadows that haunt her dreams. The shades of gray that make her life lonely and depressing as it some times can be. She doesn't know when exactly it happened. When she suddenly needed him to anchor her, to calm her, and she just sighs in frustration because, damnit. Harry is right. Zayn is right. Niall, who laughs because he claims their flirting is obvious, is right. Liam, who just raises his eyebrows and giving her a knowing look, is right. And Kari and Liz and she needs new friends who don't point out her feelings before she can herself.  
  
Rae opens a new text to her mum, detailing in short about the good news, when her phone vibrates in her hand. She bites back a smile and composes herself; all from excitement at the news of her brother. That's it. That's all. Not about who just returned her call two minutes after he missed it. Not at all.  
  
"Hello!" Rae greets, trying but failing at keeping the giddiness out of her voice.  
  
"So Liam decided to steal my phone as payback for swapping out his sugar for salt, that he so generously poured into his tea. Which was absolutely hilarious at the time, and that is why I missed your call." Louis rambles off quickly. He sounds out of breath.   
  
"Louis, it's alright. Least he won't keel over from pure sweetness."  
  
"I only put seven packets of sugar into your coffee once, darling." He chuckles.  
  
"Only seven." Rae rolls her eyes. "Anyway, I just called to tell you something because I'm quite happy about it.  
  
"What? Fucking Diner ass hat bloke finally stopped hitting on you?" Louis guesses.  
  
Rae thinks he's only half joking.  "You wish." She mutters. "But no. Doctor Ramsy cleared Ronan for the holiday. He can spend Christmas at home, with us!"  
  
There's a moments silence before "Rae, that's amazing!" Louis sounds genuinely happy. "Exciting!"  
  
"I know! I mean, it won't be much, just a simple night at home, but that's so much more than we could ask for, really."  
  
Another pause. "When was the last time you traveled for Christmas? Or rather, truly celebrated Christmas?" Louis asks carefully.  
  
"Four years ago. We'd usually go visit family up North in Sheffield. But we just haven't been able too since...well..."  
  
"Right, yeah."   
  
Rae can almost hear the frown in Louis' voice. "How about you, then?"  
  
"We normally get a good solid two weeks off and just go home to our families. But since we're on break anyway."  
  
"That's sounds nice." Rae smiles. "When do you leave? Because I've got some photos printed for all of you from the Hospice."  
  
There's loud shuffling and static through the receiver before Louis' voice drifts through distantly. "Harry, would you kindly get off me, you absolute twat. I'm talking to Raelyn." A noise that suspiciously sounds likes kissing echos in the background on the other end, to which Louis responds with a kind "Shove off, wanker."   
  
Harry's laugh carries through the phone, followed by a thud. "Sorry, love, you were saying before Harry became a royal pain in my arse. "  
  
"When do you leave?" Rae laughs.  
  
"Not sure yet. Why? Will you miss me terribly?" Louis teases.  
  
"I think I'll manage. Though I'm not sure how I'll survive without the other boys."  
  
"Ha. Ha." They fall silent for several moments, listening to the sounds of life around them. Then Louis is asking, "What's wrong, Raelyn?"  
  
"Nothing. I just- it's nothing. Will I-" Rae pauses, nibbles her bottom lips for a moment, and throws it all to the wind. She doesn't know why she's suddenly nervous. "Will I see you before you leave? To go back home?"  
  
"Of course, Rae. Wouldn't leave without saying goodbye." Louis voice is soft and gentle. "Well, expect for last time."   
  
"Lou, honestly. You know you don't have to tell me when you want to see your family. I'm not your bodyguard. Can't bench press Liam like Preston does."  
  
He chuckles. "No one can do that." There's another pause, muffled voices barely transmitting through the phone, as if Louis placed his hand over the speaker. "Hey, have you've eaten yet?  
  
"Actually, I was just about to grab lunch, then go home for a nap." Rae answers, tugging her beanie down further over her ears as another wind blows through. "Thaw me foot too."  
  
"What happened to your foot?"  
  
"Stepped in a puddle of slush."  
  
"You would. Go on home and warm that up. Don't want you hobbling around with a frost bitten foot. I'll come pick you up in about...thirty?"  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Lunch, darling. You've already told me you haven't eaten yet, and I bet my skateboard you haven't had a bite since you got off work. Because you just tend to focus and go without remembering to eat. Food is good. Food is friend."  
  
"You're so strange, I swear." Rae laughs again.  
  
"That's not a no. I haven't seen you in a three days and that's three days too long. So lunch is happening. Now go on home, and do try not to get distracted by little ducklings and wonder off."  
  
"One time, Louis. That happened one time."   
  
"Yeah...and then we couldn't find you for half an hour. Taking pictures of a duck family."  
  
"I'll see you soon, Lou."   
  
So maybe Christmas this year won't be anywhere as close to all the previous ones. Especially not when Louis picks Rae up, equipped with new dry socks and shoes, and asks if it's alright if he and the boys invited their families over to Raelyn's house for Christmas.  
  
***


	31. Can You Lie Next to Her and Give Her Your Heart; Can You Lie Next to Her and Confess You Love...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Mumford and Sons, "White Blank Page".
> 
> Note: Harry's cross tattoo is mentioned in this chapter. I know the time line in this story doesn't match up to when Harry got the tattoo, but please bare with. I starting writing this before her got it so the timing isn't of the current now. But that tat exists in this story :)

"How about this one then?"  
  
Louis' soft voice brings Rae out of the depths of her mind. Throws out a rope for her to grasp and pull her from the dark waters that she always tends drown herself in. It's there at the bottom of those waters do the panic attacks begin; where the shadow of her nightmares are born. When she tries to look around, frantic with lungs burning for air, that she sees nothing. Nothing but a endless black void, like she's floating in the deepest, mysterious part of the ocean where only God knows what's down there. It's where she feels alone. With nothing, with no one, no sound, no light. Just alone with her thoughts.  
  
Until she finally sees blue. Just a glint like it reflects against a sun not present in her void. Blue like the rope thrown to her, blue like the eyes in the picture she was staring at that brought her into her void in the first place. Blue, like the skies, like shallow clear waters. Cerulean blue eyes assessing her own with deep concern laced in between.  
  
"Raelyn?"  
  
Rae blinks back to reality; gray skies with bright, white snow falling outside her window. She feels Louis' hand, heavy and comforting on her shoulder and she realizes she has yet to respond. "Right, yeah." Rae shakes her head a little. "Erm, sorry what?"  
  
Louis looks like he wants to ask, but ignores it instead and smiles despite himself. He squeezes her shoulder once, then uses the same hand to point to the picture he was talking about. A different one from the one Rae was gazing at before.  
  
"I was saying how about this one? In the store."  
  
Rae follows his finger. He's pointing a picture of Ronan nestled with his back against Harry's chest, his arms bracketing her brother in safely on his lap. The only indication that the other person in the photo is Harry, is the little cross tattoo etched on his left hand. Hands that are engulfing Ronan's smaller ones. When Rae took the picture, she had been contemplating the sight in front of her for several minutes; noticing the contrasts of their dark and light shirts, the safety in the comfort Ronan had while sitting in Harry's lap. Relaxed, with tired eyes that blinked slowly every few seconds. Harry was distracted at the time, talking to Niall, when Rae finally took the picture. Only Ronan was watching his sister the whole time. He ended up falling asleep a few moments later.  
  
"To display in the store?" Rae questions. "Isn't it kind of intimate?"  
  
Louis' hand drops to his side. "Erm...yes? Yes. But it's- well, yeah. Alright, never mind then."  
  
"No, Louis. I meant that it's a rather sad looking picture. Like what if someone comes in all happy, and sees it. Here's this child who looks sick and lethargic and their thoughts runs away with them. He is okay? Is he hurting? Why is the photographer depressed? Why's he holding him like that? Why are those eyes staring into my soul? Is he dy-"  
  
Rae thought she cut herself off on her own, then realizes that its not her own hand on her mouth, it's Louis'. It's Louis' fingers, four of them, pressed over her lips to halt her words in her mouth. His eyes have the same concerned look they had earlier, but once again decides against the questions burning on the tip of his tongue. His eyes fall to his fingers on her lips. He watches as Rae's lips part a little, inhaling a hitched breath, then slowly, maybe a little too slow, removes his fingers, with maybe a lingering graze on her bottom lip. The air between them changes a little; swirls around like the snowflakes falling outside, and its suddenly a lot warmer than it was a second ago. If they could hear each others heartbeats, they would both be comforted in knowing that they're not alone with how fast its beating against their chests.  
  
Louis breaks the silence first. "Or..." He takes a deep breath.  
  
"Or they could see a beautiful photo, with a beautiful boy with big blue eyes and wonder what makes him feel so comfortable. So relaxed. They can see Harry's tattoo and wonder if Ronan has faith in something bigger than him. Wonder if those eyes staring into your soul warms you up, gives you a new kind of hope and wonder like a child's eyes should. Maybe they'll walk out of their thinking about the photo and where the amazing photographer got the idea for it. What was going through her own mind as she took the picture."  
  
Their eyes never pull away from each other while Louis speaks. Lock together like some force holding their gazes. Rae blinks, her eyes are too dry and Louis' are too open and she can't handle that so quickly coming out of her void. But she thinks, in the back of her mind swimming in that blue she found earlier, that he's right. Maybe Louis is right.  
  
Rae tears her eyes away from Louis', examining the picture again. "This one?"  
  
"That one." Louis agrees quietly. It then that his phone rings, and he excuses himself to take it.

*

When Louis comes back ten minutes later, a little annoyed about an upcoming meeting, Rae is still staring at the picture.  
  
"Black and white? Color?" Rae asks when he sits back down, clicking the original picture and enlarging it. The color just seems to lack in comparison to the black and white, with the blue color splash of Ronan's eyes.  
  
"Which way to do like it?" Louis questions instead.  
  
Rae mulls it over for a minute, biting the corner of her lip with her brow pulled down in thought. Louis loves watching her, just loves watching her think when she's in her photography mode. He notices how she always chews her lip, alternates between that and biting at her pinkie nail, then back to biting her lips once she comes to a conclusion. Or how her fingers will toy with the necklace she wear, or grazing over her collar bones. How she tilts her head a little to the right, like is has it now.  
  
"Colors," Rae begins quietly, like voicing her own thoughts will scare Louis away, "are vibrant and lively and pretty. They're warm and wonderful...but I just think there is something about the simplicity of black and white. It's beautiful in its own way, as is every photo. I just like the different shades, the contrast between light and dark. Harry was wearing a dark blue jumper that day, so it translates into a darker shade, than with Ronan's shirt, which was a light green.   
  
"Black and white is stripped down, raw, elegant, simple. It forces people to use their imagination and create their own colors for what they see in the photo. It's different for every set of eyes. Whereas color photographs are just that, given to you, the black and white makes you to think differently. Those lilies for example," Rae points to a black and white picture on her wall just over Louis' shoulder.  
  
"What color are they? Someone might think they're orange, another may think they're pink. Or the sky photo. Is the sun rising, or setting? Is the sky lighting up like fire or twilight? You just don't know, so you make up your own interpretation. To a child, the sky could be purple and the lilies rainbow colored. I like it like that. Using your imagination. It's an escape from reality."  
  
  
Louis blinks. His eyes a little dry from staring too long at the way Raelyn's own eyes had drifted away into her passion. He sees the soft smile teasing her lips, the way she moves her hands while she talks, elegant like a they're performing their own ballet. It's a look he wants to see more of and knows this isn't a side Rae usually shares with anyone. Louis knows this moment is special; a well hidden secret locked away in the confines of her mind, away from outsiders.  
  
"That one is one of my favorites." Rae's voice pulls Louis out of his thoughts.  
  
Louis follows to where she's pointing her finger at a smaller photo. It's set in the middle of the black and white collage hung on her wall, just behind the door. Said picture is frozen in time of a little girl, sitting alone on a wooden swing. Her small hands gripping the ropes of the swing. Her legs poke out from her white dress and her feet dangle above the ground. To the left of the girl, is a discarded teddy bear, lying sideways in the grass, facing towards the slim trees. It seems like it's sunny in the photo, or maybe the sun is setting and the little girl is simply waiting for someone who never showed and-  
  
 _Oh_. Louis understands now. "May I ask why?" Louis speaks, still quiet, feels like if they were to raise their voices a few octaves to normal tones, it'd be too loud.  
  
"What do you see, Louis, when you look at her?" Rae counters instead, turning her multicolored blues eyes on him.   
  
He thinks that God got a little creative while creating Raelyn; paint splattering her eyes with different shades of blue and specks of green and a drop of glittering gold. "Well, erm." He clears his throat. "I think she's most likely waiting for someone. A friend maybe? But they never showed and the bear, I think, quite possibly symbolizes her giving up? Like she got tired of waiting."  
  
Rae nods thoughtfully. She appraises Louis with her eyes, slowly, as if considering something. Louis watches her chew her bottom lip for just a moment, before she looks away, relieves him of the hold her eyes has over him.  
  
"I think you're right," She agrees. "Except I disagree on one thing. I don't think she's waiting on someone who never showed. I see the opposite really. I think she's waiting for someone to return. I think the bear was a gift, and whoever gave it to her abandoned her, alone on a swing. No one to push her, no one to kiss her scraped knee if she falls. I think she left the bear as you said. She'd given up. She got tired of standing there, so she dropped the bear and sat on the swing. But by doing that, I think she has a little hope left. Like whoever it is, a family member most likely, will still come back before the sun sets.   
  
"So she keeps waiting, alone, motionless, forgotten toy on the dirty ground. Because he won't ever show. He won't come back to push her, to kiss her knee. He won't pick up the bear so she can hug it tightly. But she still sits and hopes that he will. She wants to give up, hence the bear, and why she's not swinging herself. She holds the ropes because she hopes. But he won't. He won't ever come back."  
  
Louis' heart pangs, pulling tight at its strings, each beat racing faster than the other. He sees it all so clearly now. The little girl waiting, alone and abandoned. Waiting and hoping for something, _someone_. When he noticed the distant look in Raelyn's eyes not thirty minutes ago, he thought he pulled her out of her own thoughts, of something that catches her in her own minds web. This, maybe this is what he pulled her out of; of all those feelings, of all the shadows that surround the edges of the the photo. Shadows of the nightmare she has, shadows hidden away in that black unmarked box.  
  
He sees the hopelessness, not in the discarded bear, or the stillness of the little girls legs, but in Rae herself. Whose hand is absentmindedly pressing into her chest and looking at the photo with wide, dejected eyes. So different from her younger brothers. Eyes that are usually guarded, cautious, peeking out through the holes of her carefully crafted mask. It's another crack, another line in her book she's allowing Louis to read. Like she wants to continue to unlock parts of her heart and show them to him. He would usually welcome it with open arms and a successful smile on his face, but not tonight. He didn't like this crack, right through the middle of the small heart he see on the forehead on her metaphorical mask.   
  
Louis leans forward in his chair, gently wrapping his fingers around Rae's wrist, pulling it away from her chest. The contact snaps her out of her whatever memory is playing in her mind. Four blue eyes locked on each other; one pair bright and clear, laced with genuine concern and utter kindness, trust. The other pair, darkened with loss, misery and searching for something, anything to latch onto, to reassure, to comfort. Maybe she finds it, Louis thinks, because her eyes flicker, those paint splatters catching in the light, glittering like the snowflakes outside that catch in the suns light.  
  
Rae inhales deeply, likes she's been under water for a long time. She reaches out her left hand subconsciously, gripping Louis' free one and squeezing his fingers. Abruptly, she smiles, an apology of sorts, shakes her head slightly.  
  
"Right. Sorry." Rae starts, voice light on her smile, but then it disappears. Fades back into a frown pulling at the corner of her lips, like she just can't escape her thoughts today. "Louis..."  
  
Louis' heart nearly breaks with the sound of his name on her lips. Desperate, shaky,  _small_ , and suddenly she's in his arms, wrapped up tightly to his chest. He holds her just like that, cradling the back of her head so her forehead is nestled in crook of his neck, his fingers laced in her dark hair.  
  
"I'm right here, Rae. I'm here. It's alright, love." Louis coos gently in her ear. "I'm not letting go, okay? I've got you."  
  
Rae's fingers dig into Louis' back at his words, anchoring herself with them, tying them around her feet and dropping the weight of them to a dock and away from any dark void. She trembles a little in his arms, her breaths coming in soft pants and fanning against his neck. Louis softly kisses her temple, continuing to mumble soothing words to her.  
  
Two, five, maybe fifteen minutes later, Rae slowly pulls herself away from Louis and out of his comforting embrace. He watches with sad eyes as she presses her palms into her eyes, circling them around until Louis is sure she sees lights popping behind her lids. When her hands drop, she looks wary, exhausted and years older than she truly is. Rae accidentally smudged some black eyeliner beneath her eyes, only adding to the dark circles, contrasting against her skin.  
  
"I'm-" Rae begins.  
  
"Don't apologize, it's alright, honest." Louis reassures her before she can continue. "I meant what I said that first time, and I will always mean it. I'm here for you, Raelyn. I will always be here for you."  
  
The air feels heavy again during the short silence that follows. Maybe she can feel it, for Rae leans forward, placing the hand still not in Louis' grasp, delicately on the side of his neck. She can probably feel his pulse under her fingertips, pumping a little faster than a normal one would. She gently strokes her thumb along the stubble growing back on his jawline, and Louis vague thinks he should have shaved, if it weren't for the tiniest quirk at the corner of her mouth. He realizes how close they are, only becoming closer until her lips gently graze his cheekbone.  
  
Her lips are like the smooth, silky drag of a rose petal along his cheek, lingering for a few seconds. The damp spot where her lips meet his skin, tingle after she pulls away, places her forehead against his, warming his skin against hers. Louis' breath catches in his throat and he hopes by God she can't hear how loud his heart is pounding inside his chest. He wants to pull her in more just a little more. He could. With the hand he had brought up to her cheek, her eyes fluttering close from the warmth and exhaustion. He _could_. Just tilt his head a bit and lean forward and his lip would touch hers and all his wondering thoughts would be put to rest.   
  
Louis doesn't. He can't. He can't because he wont' t take advantage of her vulnerable state. Not with her eyes closed and trusting a part of herself to him, that he knows no one else gets, or got this close. She's so open right now and he's had to work to get this. He can't allow her to close back up just because he wants to be selfish. He couldn't do that. So he doesn't. Instead, he does something much worse in his opinion, deciding to open himself up, in the form or words.  
  
"I care for you. I care so much about you, Raelyn." Louis breathes, gentle like the breeze carrying the snow in the air. 

He allows his own eyes to fall, allows his words to flow. "You mean so much to me. I never want to see you like this. I just- I want you to be happy-" _I want to make you happy_ is what he really means- "it breaks my heart that I can't ever do anything."  
  
Rae inhales a shaky breath, fingers twitching on his neck. "You do, Louis. You've done more than enough for me. What you're doing now is what I need. You always know what I need."   
  
"I think I'm fa-" Louis stops short, his brain catching up with his mouth and rebuilding that filter between them. He can feel his face begin to heat up and his heart is now in overdrive, beating so fast and loud he'd be surprised if the neighbors across the street can't hear it.  
  
Louis' eyes snap open, and he pulls back far enough to leave several inches of space. He sees the slight frown of Rae's brow, followed by her eyes fluttering open. "I think you'll be just fine." He smiles at her, hoping for her curiosity to die down.   
  
Rae looks like she's about to say something, goes as far as opening her mouth and makes a sound as if she's about to ask, but decides against it. She purses her lips for a long moment, then returns his smile and the moment is gone.  
  
"Right." Rae blinks, turning her attention back on the computer screen. "The one you picked is good. In black and white because I like the contrasts of the elements and it's my photo and I can do whatever I want with it."  
  
Louis chuckles, leaning over onto her shoulder to see the photo again. "Perfect. Whatever you say."  
  
Rae's answering smile blinds him until she lets out a yawn, covering her mouth and relieving Louis of the sun that apparently found its way into her smile. They transfer from the chairs to her bed, laptop perched on Louis' lap. Falling backwards, Rae curls up against Louis' thigh, fingertips tracing the small hole in his jeans by his knee. In return, Louis runs his fingers through her hair, stroking and scratching lightly along her scalp until her breathing become languid, and her body relaxed. Louis believes Rae's sleeping, she's been quite for five minutes, until she abruptly sits up, startling him. She turns and stares at Louis blankly, before breaking out in a mischievous smile.  
  
"Niall requested another photo shoot shot by me with all five of you!" She states excitedly. "To which he then requested that I play 'Mistletoe' By Justin Bieber, which- no. Absolutely not, no way in hell. But will you do it!? It that okay?"  
  
"Um...Yes?" Louis answers, partially frightened at the burst of energy.  
  
"Great!" Rae smiles, then falls back into her previous position. She grabs his hand hanging in mid air from his shock and places his fingers back in her hair. "Sing to me?"  
  
"You are quite weird." Louis informs her. He settles the laptop on the night table next to her bed. Safely out of its owner sporadic movements.   
  
"Yes. Now sing, darling." Rae hides her smile into his thigh.  
  
 _"There's a firefly loose tonight, better catch it before it burns this place down, and I lie, If I don't feel so right. But the world looks better through your eyes."_  
  
Louis only hears the soft hitch of Rae's breathe, and ignores it while playing with her hair. Ignores the meaning of the songs lyrics, and the way his stomach flutters and heart begins to pound again. Instead he focuses on Rae's grip on his jeans that loosen when her breathing calms and comes out slower, deeper. Focuses on the way the her fingers of her other hand just grazing against his. She's truly asleep this time around, quite and peaceful and the snow still falls outside her window. He slowly transfers into another song, slowing down the melody and singing it in his own tempo.  
  
  
 _"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart, your heart as well as your body. And can you lie next to her and confess your love, your love, as well as your folly."_

***  
  



	32. Chestnuts, Snow, and Mistletoe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, Christmas time. (I know it's still like three months away, but Lowe's apparently already started their section. It's coming...winter is coming.....GOT reference for the win! Does anyone say FTW anymore? Is that a term back in my youthful days? I'm not that old....)

Christmas Eve comes around four days later, with the warm welcoming of several families arriving on the doorstep of Rae's house. Both her and her mother were under the impression that it would just be the five boys, and instead got a pleasant surprise when they showed up with their families. MaryAnn answers the door, sliver blouse sparkling beneath the Christmas lights on the porch. She greets them all warmly, turning to shoot her daughter a surprised look over her shoulder. Rae had stood there in the foyer, one red shoe in her hand, and the other holding Ronan's. She had shrugged, then followed her mothers example and introduced herself.  
  
"I thought you said it was only the five of them." MaryAnn mutters under her breath to her daughter.   
  
"I thought so, too." Rae responds, releasing Ronan's hand once Liam comes to scoop him up.  
  
"I haven't prepared enough food."  
  
Before Rae can answer, Niall, Zayn and Louis all come through the door, arms full of pots and containers of food. Louis sends a bright, cheeky smile towards Rae, following behind his band mates. MaryAnn quickly leads them to the kitchen. Rae however, stops Louis with a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Louis...is-is that a ham?"  
  
"Honey baked ham, to be exact." He smiles. All too bright and Rae isn't sure if the Christmas lights are on her roof, or in Louis' expression.  
  
Their smiles linger on each other for so long, that Zayn has to come out from the kitchen, pulling the ham away from Louis. He claims it'll be cold by the time they both stop throwing heart eyes at each other. With that, Louis quickly follows Zayn as Rae speeds off towards the living room, cheeks a bit more pink than a moment before.

*

  
 _"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire  
Jack Frost nipping at your nose  
Yule-tide carols being sung by a choir  
And folks dressed up like Eskimos."_  
  
Rae closes her eyes, reveling in the rich, warm tone of Harry's singing voice. She snuggles Ronan closer to her chest while he stares at Harry with bright, blue eyes. At the word _Eskimo_ Ronan turns to rub his nose against his sisters.  
  
 _"Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe_  
Help to make the season bright."  
  
She begins to mouth along to the song as Liam and Zayn harmonize the next verses. Unknown to her of someone sitting across from her carefully watching her.

_"Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow_   
_Will find it hard to sleep tonight."_

  
_"They know that Santa's on his way_   
_He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh._

_"And every mother's child is gonna spy_  
To see if reindeer really know how to fly."  
  
  
Niall plucks the strings of his guitar while he picks up singing the next line. Smiling during his singing when he notices Louis' eyes glued to Raelyn. She starts swaying in time to the music, when Ronan turns to whisper in her ear. Rae opens her eyes, smiling down at her brother, and shakes her head. Ronan sets a mock stern look on his face and nods. He points over to Louis, nods once more, then seems satisfied when Rae chuckles quietly and agrees to whatever he wanted. Which had to be a request to sing, for Rae's voice automatically harmonizes the moment Louis begins to sing the last verses of the carol.

 _"And so I'm offering this simple phrase_  
 _To kids from one to ninety-two._  
 _Although it's been said many times, many ways_  
 _Merry Christmas to you."_  
  
  
Her voice has a touch of soprano. An angelic pitch that makes Louis' heart surge with warmth and the overwhelming urge to suddenly curl up next to the fire with nothing but her beautiful voice filling his ears, lulling him to sleep. Louis' focus on her diverts when her brother catches his attention. Ronan is twisting his small body around to face his sister, a delighted smile on his lips and a face brighter than the star atop their tree. Rae scrunches her nose, bopping Ronan's own right as they finish off the song.  
  
Once the final chords of the guitar fades out, Louis notes the almost tranquil expressions of his best mates, aiming straight at Rae. Her gaze, however, shifts to Louis; her eyes bright and admiring. Louis' heart sputters the longer they continue their little staring contest. Realizes that she's looking at _him_ like that. The heavy air in her room those few nights ago had completely changed something between them, transferring over into this moment.  
  
Their look lasts a few seconds more, before Ronan steals her attention back by gently patting her cheek. Louis simply becomes a spectator to the siblings interaction, realization dawning on him as Rae smiles down at Ronan, placing a kiss on his bald head. He doesn't think he's ever seen Raelyn this happy. He lets his own smile take over and feels his heart strings pull again. The blissful moment is interrupted by Niall.  
  
"Didn't know you could sing like that, Rae." Niall says, something like awe laced in his lilt.   
  
Rae shrugs nonchalantly, wrapping her arms around Ronan a bit tighter. "I usually only sing to Ronan." She smiles at Niall. "And that's my one of my favorite Christmas songs. Isn't that right, Ro?" She pecks his cheek.  
  
"Yeah!" Ronan giggles, leaning back into his sister’s embrace.  
  
"Plus, Ronan sort of, requested- well, demanded-" Ronan giggles- "that I should sing. Couldn't say no."  
  
The other boys soak in their moment, all hoping that something like this will happen again the next year. But it's Christmas Eve now, in the present. It was all warm and bright and happy, filled with friendship and love and the smell as of sugar cookies, and fresh balsam. All beautiful with twinkling lights in the dimmed room, with snowing falling freely beyond the window. Its soft piano notes and light guitar strums and pretty carols, with a crackling fire, surrounded their by families and friends. With pretty blue eyes that keep finding his the same time his finds hers.  
  
Someone clears their throat, pulling Louis from what he is hoping isn't an embarrassingly fond look on his face, breaking his eye contact with Rae. Zayn's the one who cleared his throat, and is now smiling knowingly at Louis, wiggling his eyebrows twice. Sometimes, Louis hates him. Instead he just shoots Zayn nonthreatening glare; it is Christmas after all.  
  
"So you take requests?" Harry suddenly asks, after his mum had given him a quick peck on his cheek when she passes by.  
  
"Erm...maybe?" Rae questions, wincing some. She fiddles with her hair, twirling a piece around her fingers nervously.  
  
"Would you mind singing 'O Holy Night?" Harry continues, "I would just like to hear you sing it. Think it would fit your voice nicely." The other boys mumble their agreement, while Louis decides to voice his own opinion.  
  
"Your voice is quiet lovely." Louis confesses softly, basking in the sight of Rae's pale skin tinting pink once again. "Plus...it's my birthday."  
  
"Oh, so you're going to guilt trip me into it then, are you Birthday boy?" Rae teasing, but shifts uncomfortably.  
  
Louis nods enthusiastically.   
  
"Well...if you all really want me too..."   
  
"Sing! Sing!" Two voices abruptly speak up from nowhere. Louis knows those voices and braces himself just in time as his twin sisters seemingly appearing out from thin air, jumping into his lap, each girl one each of his legs.  
  
"Girls." Louis warns lightly, placing a kiss on each of their heads. "If Rae doesn't want to sing, we shouldn't really force her-"   
  
"But her voice is pretty!" Phoebe exclaims, smiling up at her older brother.  
  
"Yeah, very pretty!" Daisy agrees, smiling over at Raelyn. "We want to hear her sing."  
  
Louis shoots an apologetic smile over at Rae, who in turn, shrugs in defeat. Ronan wiggles around in her lap before sliding down her legs, his socked feet hitting the wooden floor. They all watch him wobble unbalanced for a moment, panic flashing across his sister's face. He steadies himself by gripping her pants, then makes his way over to Liam.  
  
"Alright then." Rae quips as Liam helps Ronan climb into his lap. Ronan smiles brightly at her while Liam smiles in apology.  
  
"Right, let’s vote." Zayn speaks up. "All in favor of the musical styling of Raelyn White?"   
  
Louis' raises his hand up, despite his previous words. Then notices everyone, even their parents sitting on the couches in the far end of the room, raise their hands, all siblings included.  
  
"I bet Louis'd fancy your voice, Rae." Lottie teases lightly, winking at her brother. She pulls the other Tomlinson sister along with her, both sitting down by Louis' feet. Louis shoots her an annoyed glare, which she retaliates by sticking out her tongue.  
  
"I think we all do." Harry agrees, knowingly saving Louis. They share a quick look of gratitude and welcome.  
  
"Alright, alright." Rae sighs, standing up and moving towards Harry at the piano. "D'you know how to play it?"  
  
Harry nods, then leans his ear up as she leans down to whisper to him. By now, all families are paying attention, unknown to an unsuspecting Rae. As notes being to flow from the piano, Rae exhales a shaky breath, fiddling with the long sleeves of her cream colored knit dress nervously. She then closes her eyes, clasping her hands front of her.  
  
 _"O' Holy night, the stars are brightly shinning. It is the night of our dear Savior's birth._  
 _Long lay the world in sin and error pinning, til he appeared and the soul felt its worth."_  
  
They're all pleasantly surprised by her beautiful voice. Rae starts off quiet and low, slowly building up, notes flowing from her lips resting angelically in Louis's ears. With great effort, he tears his gaze from Rae to look around him. The children gaze upon Rae with doe-eyed wonder. His mum's smiling softly, gently nudging Niall's mother in silent appreciation, while the other three mothers wear the same smile. The fathers, Niall's brother, and Harry's sister sit quietly, enjoying the soft music, with slight impressed expressions.   
  
MaryAnn looks absolutely delighted, pride shining through her smile at her daughter's singing. Her eyes gleam against the lights the tree is reflecting around the room. Her hands rest together over her heart, as if this moment- with both her children home with her, surrounded by loving people, is one of those life moments one never forgets. Always to look back on, come what may.   
  
Louis refocuses on his best mates, who look like they're all trying hard not to melt into boneless puddles. Zayn's eyes are shut, chin in his hand taking in her voice. Niall rests his head on the side of his guitar perched on his lap, gazing up at Raelyn like she's an actual angel. Liam gently rocks Ronan side to side. The little boy’s eyes fluttering between sleep and awareness, while Liam matches expressions with Niall. Harry, fingers still pressing down on the ivory keys, is fighting a losing battle of attempting to make sure he hits the right keys, to closing his eyes. Only to reopen them to glance at the beautiful girl singing beside him.   
  
Harry's eyes drift over to Louis' and he smiles, motioning for Louis to focus back on Rae. Louis' heart swells and chills spread throughout his skin. Flowing deep inside him warming his bones, as Rae hones in on the end of the song. Her voice flowing smoothly, rising higher with pure notes.  
  
 _"Praise His Holy name, fall on your knees. Oh hear the angel voices. O' night divine_  
 _O' night, when Christ was born, O' night, divine, Oh O' night, O' night divine, O' night divine."_  
  
Rae finishes off with a strong, controlled volume of her voice as she belts out the last few words. She comes down from her last, lingering note, fading it away like a caressing summer breeze. Inhaling deeply, finally opening her eyes and zoning straight to Louis' blue irises. Louis' stomach dives off in somersaults, when he realizes just how much their eyes keep finding each other’s. _Anchor_ , he thinks.  
  
The room is silent for several long moments, during which Rae anxiously dances her fingers over her collarbones, bites her lip in anticipation. She's so nervous, awaiting the opinions of her friends, of the new ones she just made; keeps shifting her weight from one leg to another.  
  
Finally, a soft "Holy shit" is uttered with an Irish lilt to it. The cruse goes unheard to the younger children who had fallen asleep towards the end of the song, along with the scolding from Niall's mother. Rae clears her throat awkwardly, resting a hand on Harry's shoulder as if bracing herself from critics. Harry stands, wrapping his arm around her waist, and leans down to whisper nothing short of encouraging praise in her ear. For Rae's lips spread into the warmest of smiles, eyes shining in delight.  
  
"That was bloody brilliant." Zayn praises her, as Liam nods in agreement.  
  
"Thank you." Rae nearly whispers, clear gratitude in her voice. She's still smiling from whatever Harry said to her.   
  
Louis wants to compliment her, wants to say how beautiful her voice is, how beautiful she is. But the words are lodged in his throat, struck with the sudden moment of it all. Before he can actually open his mouth to _just say something_ , MaryAnn speaks up.  
  
"That was so lovely, sweetheart." Her mum smiles, something like pride in her eyes. "But I think it's time for the little ones to be put to bed." She gently takes her son from Liam's arms, carefully shifting Ronan into a comfortable position.

"You're welcomed to use Rae's room for the girls, if you'd like." MaryAnn informs Louis' mother. "You are all welcomed to stay as long as you want."

  
*  
  
Louis loses sight of Rae while helping his mum carrying the twins to the spare room. She had escaped from her seat next to Harry; has been missing ever since. He searches around the house, catches Liam chatting with Gemma, questioning Rae's whereabouts. Liam is of no help, shrugging and suggesting to check upstairs (to which Louis had just came down from).  
  
He finds Niall, merrily drinking spiked eggnog with his brother Greg and Zayn, asking if they've seen Rae. Niall barks out a laugh-"Can't leave your sight for long, can she?"- Before clapping his hand on Louis' shoulder, shoving him towards the sliding glass door.  
  
He sees her then, standing on the back deck, snow falling and catching in her wavy hair and on her clothes. Louis quickly back tracks, grabs his coat by the front door, before making his way to where the girl who gives him irregular heartbeats andbutterflies in his stomach on a daily. He quietly slides the door shut behind him. It makes a soft thud but doesn't pull a single reaction from Rae. He watches her for a moment; night soft and silent, just watching her tilt her head towards the sky. Louis realizes that her body-fitting jumper dress with thin long sleeves, dark leggins and red boots are not snow appropriate apparel. She's not dressed to be standing outside for this type of weather, for God knows how long.  
  
"Raelyn, what are you doing out here? It's freezing." Louis says, placing his coat around her shoulders.  
  
"It's a bit loud in there." Rae answers, crossing her arms to pull his coat tighter.  
  
Louis slowly turns her to face him, gently brushing away the snowflakes that just landed on her eyelashes. He can't help the smile spreading across his lips as another flake lands on her nose and immediately melts on her skin. She scrunches her nose up, shivering from the contact. Louis laughs under his breath, puffing visibly in the air as he dries the damp spot with the sleeve of his shirt. He releases the sleeve, wipes away one last rouge snowflake, then rests his hand on the curve of her jaw.  
  
Rae shakes her head, barely jarring his hands. "I couldn't see." She defends weakly, blinking open her eyes and staring straight into Louis'.  
  
Louis can feel his heart rate begin to pick up as time passes and he realizes she isn't looking away. He watches her lips form a soft smile, one of those secret ones she keeps hidden from mostly everyone. Expect him. It's then, when Louis swipes his thumb along her cold cheekbone does he finally remember both hands on her cheeks. Clearing his throat, Louis slowly drops his hands, wills his heart to stop with the drum line against his chest, hopes that Rae can't hear it. But it just keeps getting louder the longer she keeps those incredible blue eyes on him.   
  
"Right." Louis says after a small delay. "You have a beautiful voice, Raelyn. Absolutely beautiful." He decides to go with the reason why he originally wanted to find her. So what if that last part Louis muttered was not just solely to compliment her voice.  
  
Rae's shyly bites her lip, glancing down for a moment like the comment is too much for her to handle. Her cheeks flush a rosy pink, and Louis thinks it made her look more radiant than ever. Even though it could be caused by the standing out in the cold for too long, but, details. He'd like to think he's the only one to actually succeed in making her blush like that.  
  
Rae looks back up and smiles. "Thank you." She mumbles, pulling his coat around her tighter. "Thank you all for coming tonight. You honestly didn't have to. I know you don't get much time for the holidays."  
  
"Honestly, Rae, it's no problem. We were all excited to come, we _wanted_ to come. Especially Niall when he heard how much baking you and Harry had done." Louis admits.  
  
Rae snorts softly, then frowns up at him. "But...Louis. It's your birthday, yeah? You could've been doing other things. Having a party or, I don't know, just spend some quality time with your family."  
  
Louis simply shrugs. "I wanted to spend it with you...and everyone else." He adds slowly, like he thinks it can get rid of the meaning of those first few words. But the way Rae bites her lip again and fiddles with a loose strand of her hair tells him it’s a lost cause. "You, my dear, could have said no, and just spend time with your mum and Ronan. Didn't need all these wild people."  
  
"As if Ronan would turn down this kind of attention." Rae laughs. "Think mum really enjoys it too, since we can't really travel to see her family. We just don't like to be alone, just the three of us around this time, you know?"  
  
"Yeah. I know." Louis responds quietly. The quite lingers in the air between them for a few moments. They pause to watch the snow fall for a while, before Rae breaks the peace.  
  
"So you're having a good time then?" She questions, carefully analyzing his expression.   
  
"Of course I am." Louis scoffs, rolls his eyes playfully, and that's when he catches sight of what is currently hanging above their heads, tied on a low branch of the oak tree that stands in the backyard.  
  
Mistletoe.   
  
_God._ How horribly cliché can this moment get; or rather, about to it? Louis swallows hard when thoughts of Rae's soft lips on his suddenly snakes its way into his brain. Like some sort of cruel ninja throwing those sharp little Chinese stars. Sticking the image into the back of his eyes; stupid ninjas.  
  
His heart rate picks back up as each metaphorical star adds a new thought; he would probably feel her warmth breath against his cheek. How he would gently caress her face, lit up and glowing beneath the soft Christmas lights, before sliding his bare fingers through her long, dark hair. How he would more than likely pull her closer to his chest so she can feel just what she has been doing to him for the past couple months. How he would hope that when he does kiss her, Louis would be the one to make her forget everything; kiss all her fears, panic, nightmares away, until nothing's left but light. Nothing's left but him.  
  
"Lou...Lou. Louis? Lewis. LouBoo...Louis?" Rae's curiously concerned voice pulls him from the confines of his mind. Deep, dark confounds because where in the world did all of that just come from. He blinks as a response.  
  
"Louis? What are you staring at?" Instead of waiting for an answer, Rae looks up to see what he was gawking at. "Oh."   
  
This is it. It's all going to come down to that tiny, poisonous plant. _Bloody plant_. When Louis finally tears his eyes from the green leafed and white berried plant, his breath abruptly leaves his lungs. Rae is stunning. Although she's currently staring at him with a rather unreadable expression.   
  
What is she expecting of him, if anything? He is a twenty-two year old man, who isn't going to let some useless plant and big, tropical eyes doom him to hell. He isn't going absolutely weak in the knees and his heart isn't beating wildly in his chest. Nor are those damn butterflies tying knots in his stomach again, or how there's this suddenly warmth spreading through his body. He _isn't_. But then Rae takes the tiniest step forward, and who was Louis kidding? Damn it all. He gets slammed with his own realization; He is so in love with her.  
  
Before Louis can react, (his brain is wounded with those stars) Rae braces her hands on his shoulders. She lifts herself on her toes, lingers her eyes on Louis, who can do nothing but gaze back. Then places a soft, warm- despite the cold tickle of her nose- kiss just past the left corner of his mouth.   
  
She leans forward so her lips just graze the shell of his ear. "Thank you, Louis." She's whispering, "For everything. Happy Birthday."  
  
Rae places one more kiss on his cheekbone, just a soft press of her lips against his skin. Releasing her hold, Rae lowers back down, then flashes Louis a genuine smile, all white teeth and eyes that reflect the glimmering lights.  
  
"I could go for some hot cocoa, couldn't you?"   
  
Louis just nods. Rae shrugs off his coat, handing it to him with her fingers lingering on his knuckles longer than normal. He watches her twirl gracefully, stumbles a little at the end and shoots him a sheepish smile, before sliding open the door. Rae's pulled in instantly when Liam spots her, already shoving a mug in her hands, before he leads her further into the house.  
  
Louis is still standing outside in the freezing weather as snowflakes continue to fall all around and on him. He slowly brings his trembling fingers, (trembling from being out in the cold for too long, mind you) to the spot by his mouth where he can still feel soft lips on his skin.   
  
Fucking mistletoe.  
  
***


	33. The Looove exprets...Kind of..It's Just Liz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liz's character is very much based of a friend of mine.

The rest of Christmas Eve night goes well, all except for the possibility that Rae deliberately tries to avoid Louis. Her heart hasn't settled down after their moment outside, though its been well past an hour. She sticks close to Ronan when she can, until Louis eventually finds them, and lets Ronan sing him Happy Birthday with Louis' face between his small hands while she slips away.  
  
She makes quick friends with Harry's sister, exchanging numbers when she asks if she could possibly shoot her friend's wedding. Excited about the opportunity, Rae agrees immediately. The two ladies sit and chat for a good amount of time, before Harry interrupts them. After a playful push from Gemms, Harry takes Rae by her arm and leads her upstairs and away from the holiday gathering. He doesn't speak until he gently shoves Rae into her room, closing and locking her door.  
  
"I saw you both." Is all Harry says.  
  
"Gemma and I?" Rae feigns cluelessly. "Obviously, you just whisked me away."  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
Rae takes a step around Harry, trying to avoid looking at those green eyes that see everything right through her. She can't be bothered with trying to analyse her own actions right now; it's why she's been trying to keep busy, be a social butterfly and a good party host.  
  
"Can we please just not talk about this? It was just friendly chit chat. A good ol' platonic, completely innocent, normal talk. That's it. I just want to try and enjoy me Christmas with Ronan before he goes back tomorrow. Not think about how I wanted to-"  
  
Rae halts her words, freezing at her own thoughts. Her heart rate picks up again, and before she can really grasp what's chaotically running through her head, through her heart, she's turning to unlock the door.  
  
"Rae-?"  
  
"Just," She looks over her shoulder at Harry; all too knowing and gentle eyes, yet burning with curiosity. "Later, okay? Later."  
  
*

  
  
The party goes on until one in the morning, Rae and her mother finally ushering out the last of the families. Louis finally finds her alone in the kitchen, while she's wrapping left over pie in foil. She knows he's there, watching her, knows his eyes are burning into the side of her head. She feels it with heart palpitations, entirely Louis' fault and all he's doing is standing there. Rae sees him move towards her from the corner of her eye. He's still quiet when he starts helping her pack away the remaining leftovers.  
  
She doesn't know how it suddenly got like this. If their moment outside changed everything or just awoke her realizations. But there was snow falling, and sparkling lights and the smells of balsam and pie. Sounds of joyous laughter, and holiday songs, the serene calm of the night while they stood out in the back. The way Louis' face glowed beneath the lights, the soft expression he wore while looking at her. His gentle touch, his mirthful blue eyes, that small crooked smile he gave her when the snow melted on her nose; made the little crinkles by his eyes appear.  
  
She wanted to kissed him. She wanted to know what it would feel like. Wanted to know if he was hoping for the same thing as she was. She had a spark of confidence the moment she noticed that bloody little plant. Had it when she raised herself on her toes; and lost it when a spike of fear clench through her chest.  
  
It was a small spasm, unrecognized by Louis, but enough discomfort for Rae's thoughts to stray, and she backed out. Kissed him on the cheek instead, and now it's all she can think about. Why won't her heart _just stop racing_ like it's trying to outrun a gun. She feels before she sees a touch gentle graze over her knuckles, looks up to see Louis staring at her inquisitively.  
  
Louis is the bullet.  
  
"You're kind of tearing a hole in the aluminum." He informs her.  
  
Rae releases the hold she unknowingly had on the foil, moving too quickly and accidentally slicing the tip of her middle finger on the sharp teeth of the box. "Ouch, shit." She gasps quietly, immediately sticking her finger in her mouth.  
  
"Can't do anything with you, can we?" Louis chides playfully. "What are you, a vampire?" He takes hold of her hand, tugging it away from her mouth.  
  
"Vampires don't drink their own blood." She responds, watching him inspect the damage.  
  
The little to no damage; just a few drops of blood suffering from the minuscule cut. It shocked her more than actually hurt. Louis hums offhandedly. He grabs a paper towel, turns on the sink faucet to wet it, then places the damp towel on her finger. It's silent. Suspiciously so, as if Rae's mother can sense them in the kitchen and opts to just leave them be. Rae just hopes Louis can't hear how loud her heart is; she'll blame it on her injury if she has too. She can't help but to look back up at him, Louis already staring right back. It's almost too much to handle, until Louis opens his mouth to speak.  
  
"I spiked Liam's eggnog with Brandy." He confesses abruptly.  
  
There's a beat, then Rae barks out a surprised one syllable laugh. She smacks her free hand over her mouth, but it does nothing to truly muffle the giggles followed. Louis looks at her with a delighted expression, and squeezes -subconsciously or not, she'll never know- her hand.  
  
"Is that why he was practically stumbling out of here then?" Rae asks after dropping her hand.  
  
"All my doing." Louis says proudly.  
  
"You are horrible. Menace."  
  
"He drank about four of them."  
  
"Oh my god."  
  
"It was Harry's idea."  
  
"It was not. It was all you."  
  
"Was not. I just did it."  
  
"You sit on a throne of lies, Louis."  
  
"Alright fine...it was Zayn's."  
  
Rae rolls her eyes, smacking his arm with no force behind it. "I hate eggnog."  
  
"I know. You prefer red wine over anything else." Louis says, still smiling at her. Still holding her finger in his hand. "Besides that coffee liquor stuff."  
  
"It's amazingly delicious."  
  
"Coffee addict."  
  
"Tea addict."  
  
"You can't insult me with my own insult, love."  
  
"Sure I can. Don't tell me what to do."  
  
"And you say I'm the menace." Louis nudges her knee with his own in playful spite.  
  
Rae just scrunches her nose at him. Causes him to bop her nose in retaliation. That's when her mother walks in. MaryAnn doesn't say anything about Rae's hand in Louis' or how they're both standing incredibly close to each other. Instead she just smiles softly.  
  
"Raelyn, dear. Could you help me move Ronan into my bed? He woke up and insisted on falling asleep on that beanbag chair." She requests politely.  
  
"I can do that." Louis offers before Rae can respond.  
  
He releases Rae's hand, quickly leaving the kitchen to find her brother. Rae smiles sheepishly at her mum, who raises her eyebrows in return. Rae throws away the paper towel, inspects her small cut for a moment to make sure it's no longer bleeding, then gets back to her task. Together with her mum, they finish packing away the leftovers, with her mother handling the foil.  
  
When MaryAnn kindly kicks Louis out -"It's Christmas Eve, Louis. Go spend it with your family. Happy Birthday, love."- Rae sneaks out behind him before the door closes. She hands him a black, leather booklet, bond together with strings of extra leather intertwining with each other. It's two inches thick, and smooth to the touch, wrapped with only a red ribbon bow with a small tag reading Happy Birthday.  
  
"Now listen." Rae begins nervously as she watches Louis open the booklet. "It's not Marc Jacobs or anything, but I put it together personally, the binding and all. I've edited and printed and it's just something I thought maybe you'd like to have?"  
  
Louis looks up from the print photos in the book, beaming. "Of course it is, Raelyn. It's great."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes. Bounded it?"  
  
"Yeah. Angelique taught me how to make my own portfolios with leather. Happy Birthday...again."  
  
Louis chuckles under his breath, softly closing the book. "I love it Rae, thank you." His grateful smile fades after a moment. "Were you alright earlier? Seemed like you were avoiding-"  
  
"No. I mean yes, I was fine. Just...just thinking. Was all." Rae stutters a little, being to twirls the bottom of her hair around her finger.  
  
"Thinking can be dangerous." Louis muses quietly.  
  
"As can driving at two AM. Please let me know when you get home."  
  
Louis nods. "I will." He steps closer, pulling her in for a tight hug. "It's okay." He mumbles in her ear.  
  
Rae knows he's speaking about the backyard. She just digs her fingers into his shoulder blades and nods. Louis steps back, only to slowly lean forward and press his lips on the same exact spot she did, not five hours ago.  
  
"Happy Christmas, Raelyn." Louis whispers against her skin. Then he pulls away, walks down the drive, get in his car and drives away.  
  
When Rae looks up, all she's met with is a dark sky with white flurries slowly falling to the ground. No mistletoe, and just the sound of her heart in her ears. 

*  
  
  
It's a slow morning at the diner, mainly due to the early hours of Boxing Day. Rae is sitting atop the kitchen counter currently unused by their one cook, who's taking a smoke break behind the diner. She's been listening to Liz chat away about her eventful Christmas for the past fifteen minutes, watching as she refills ketchup bottles. Or, she was trying to listen; she zoned out about five minutes into Liz's story of the cat falling into the pudding, when her own thoughts strayed to the night before. Replaying the night over in her head, again and again because it was the only thing to keep her company while tried to sleep.  
  
She didn't have much time to think about it on Christmas Day, instead she spent all her time with Ronan and their mother. Rae ended up sleeping in her mothers bed, with Ronan between the two of them. He had woken her up around seven Christmas morning, gently patting her forehead until she woke. They opened the small amount of presents- Rae splurging on her mother a bit by buying her a Swarovski crystal charm bracelet, along with three charms. She gave Ronan an Iron Man stuffed toy, have the size of him. The morning went well, and smooth until it was time to bring Ronan back to the hospital. Bittersweet goodbyes were exchanged with a promise to visit him later that night.  
  
Now, as she sits in the kitchen of Japser's, all she can think about is Christmas Eve. Her mind filled with cascading, swirling snowflakes. The warm twinkle of lights hanging from the roof, the smell of ham and freshly baked pie, and blue, blue eyes. A soft lingering touch. A fond look, A green little plant and the soft, cold skin beneath her own lips. Rae's heart skips a beat; picks up to the sound of _louislouislouis_.  
  
"-so then, Steven's youngest brother chased the poor cat around the house, pudding trailing all over the-"  
  
"I almost kissed Louis." Rae abruptly states; confesses it like word vomit. She has to talk about it with someone, otherwise she's going to drive herself crazy wondering why her stomach is still knotting up with butterflies. Maybe she regrets not talking to Harry about it that night.  
  
Liz stops mid sentence, mouth half open, and just stares blankly at Raelyn. She blinks after a moment, then-  
  
"Almost kissed him? Almost!? If there's ever a chance of kissing him, you do it! Are you bloody mental!?" Liz chides, rather hysterically.  
  
Rae's taken aback. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Why didn't you like, lick his face or something? _Almost kissed him_. I swear."  
  
"You're a twat, you know that." Rae tells her, smiling down at her friend.  
  
Liz flips her the bird. After she drops her middle finger, Rae watches as Liz evaluates her. Big hazel coloured eyes scanning over her like an X-ray. It's a little unnerving, so she grabs the nearest thing she can find; a freshly baked banana muffin, and begins to tear it apart.  
  
"Raelyn," Liz starts softly, "why almost? Did you not want to?"  
  
Rae nods, then shakes her head, flailing her arms and forgetting the muffin in her hand. It goes flying over to the right, landing in the sink filled with water.

"Yes! No, I don't know! I just...he showed up with this ham and the boys and their families. He threw an actual Christmas party and I sang in front of him! I never sing in front of people! Then he's telling me how beautiful my voice was and giving me his coat because it was cold and snowing and he just kept looking at me like- like. And there it was right there because my mom likes cliche traditions so she hung mistletoe and it was above us and I just."  
  
She inhales deeply, flicking away a muffin crumb that landed on her thigh. "I was just so overwhelmed at that moment. He's done so much for me, for my family. He helped our pay bills, Liz; encouraged the other boys too. Like, who even- and he's so beautiful. He's stunning and I like him. Oh my _god,_ I like him so much and my heart was pounding, and my chest was spasing but not the normal ones I usually have. It felt like my stomach was screaming at me and I've never felt like that before. Like the other night when we were just laying in bed together-"  
  
"Whoa, whoa. What?" Liz interrupts, hands flying up in the stop motion.  
  
"Yeah. He was just laying there going on about how he cares for me. And I care for him and I was so close to kissing him, but I let everything get to me. So I chickened out at the last second and just kissed his cheek. Well, I kissed him here." Rae pokes a finger just shy of the corner her mouth .  
  
"Oh my god, you did almost kiss him."  
  
Rae nods and drops her finger. "Liz!" She whines desperately, not caring how pathetic she may sound. But she needs this; needs someone to make sense of her jumbled thoughts and the one person she could always go to, is the one person she can't go to with this.  
  
"Okay, alright, back up a little...lying in bed!?"  
  
"Yes. He came over and I just ended up falling asleep. But when he looks at me, like honestly looks at me, I feel like he's trying to read my soul or something. It's so unnerving, it's a little frightening. He's just...just..."  
  
"Raelyn, doll," Liz speaks gently, shifting from her seat on an upturned bucket and places her hands on Rae's knees. "It's okay to love him."  
  
Rae blinks once. "That's...that's not, what? No, that's not what I. I just fancy him a bit. That's all not..not that."  
  
Liz rolls her eyes as lovingly as she can. "This better not have anything to do with your father. Being afraid to love and not believing in love, because you're father was an arsehole, still is. Always will be. Or about your exes or Vinny even, but I really hope that's not the reason why you won't let yourself love someone. He is not just going to _abandon_ you. No one who loves you enough will. You may not love him now, but maybe eventually and I hope nothing stops you from loving him. Or someone else if it isn't him down the road."  
  
"But...Ronan..." Rae mumbles out.  
  
"You're making excuses for this when there's no need to be. You've dedicated three years of your life at that hospital. All of which I have never seen you get close to anyone new."  
  
"I just, don't have time for that."  
  
"You don't have time? Louis is in the biggest band in the entire world right now. He always seems to make time for you. And Ronan." Liz reminds her kindly.  
  
"They've been on break..."  
  
"Raelyn Elizabeth White!" Liz snaps, smacking her thigh. "You know, it's alright to be a little scared. Sometimes it's good, a little fear is good. What isn't great is letting it hold you back from something you want. Something you can have. If it does, years down the road you're going to look back and wish that didn't happen, wish it never held you back. Remember you could've taken that photography job?"  
  
"The travel magazine one?" Rae tilts her head quizzically. "I never told anyone besides-"  
  
"Kari told me because she was worried about you."  
  
"Liz, that was a year ago. Doesn't matter now."  
  
"But don't you ever wonder?"  
  
"No! There's Ronan to think about and bills to pay and I've got to help my mother-" Rae doesn't even realize her fingers digging into her chest until Liz takes them away, holding right to her wrist.  
  
"Raelyn," Liz says softly, "just promise you won't hold yourself back anymore. If you like him, just, I don't know, allow yourself to feel what's in your heart. Feel what he makes you feel every time your with him."  
  
"What? The urge to constantly roll my eyes at him?" Rae teases lightly.  
  
"Exactly!" Liz beams. She elaborates when Rae gives her a confused look. "He does silly things. He knocks over sugar holders to get your attention away from other guys."  
  
"So he did do it on purpose!"  
  
"Not the point. I'm positive everything's he's done recently, he's done for you. So suck up your fears and just let it go. You'll be fine." Liz loving pats her thigh. She grabs both of Rae's hands in hers, and look her straight in the eye. "No one who loves you will abandon you." She says again.  
  
Rae nods because it's the only thing she can do. She plays the words around her head, as Liz grabs a pen from the counter. She watches her draw little doodles on her hand, blue ink swirling around her knuckles. It morphs into tiny flowers, ending with drawing a small cross along the bone of her thumb.  
  
"What if he doesn't feel the same?" Rae mumbles, feels stupid for even voicing her insecurities. Louis did have a long time girlfriend up until recently.  
  
"I swear to god.." Liz mutters, smacking the pen against Rae's hand. "Don't even, babes. Just let it go."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"Love you, too."

  
*  
  
  
New Years Eve is spent at the Hospice, while Rae reads another story to Ronan who is snuggled in their mothers arms. The story about the little baby boy born on a silent night with a bright star hanging in the sky, when she gets a call. Excusing herself and giving Ronan the book when he lunges for it, she steps out into the hallway to answer. It's a number she doesn't recognize, but chances answering it anyway. She's glad she did.  
  
The mysterious caller is none other than the friend Gemma was telling her about. Katie is her name, and she was shown some of Rae's photos from this little black portfolio, is impressed by her style. She asks if Rae's available to shoot her wedding in two weeks up in Oxford at Christ Church Cathedral, offering a fair amount of pay, plus travel expenses. Rae kindly declines the travel pay, insisting it's not a problem for her to catch a train. She agrees delightedly, thanks Katie for the job and hangs up after they exchange fair wells. Rae is absolutely besides herself as she dials Louis' number.  
  
"Raelyn!" Louis answers, shouting a little with all the noise in the background she can hear. "It's New Years Eve, love. You should be spending time with Ronan."  
  
"I am. Did you show the present I gave you to Gemma's friend?" Rae inquires. Her fingers are trembling a little from excitement.  
  
"Noo..." Louis drawls out the word, voice shrinking to a normal level, as if he left whatever room held the noise. "I merely showed it to Hazza, to whom Gemma was simply sitting next to...with her friend who may or may not have been looking for a photographer for her wedding."  
  
"You're incredible, you know that?" She tells him admiringly. She can't contain the smile spreading across her lips.  
  
"I. Know?" Louis tries to be jokingly vain, but fails at the sincerity in her voice.  
  
"She hired me, Louis! She loves my photos and hired me!"  
  
"That's amazing, Rae! Proud of you!"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Yes." She can hear Louis laugh softly. "It's eleven, babe. Go back to your family and ignore me for the night, alright."  
  
"Like I ever could." Rae says. "Just...thank you. And thank Gemma for me, will you?"  
  
"Of course. Happy New Year."  
  
"Happy New Year, Louis."  
  
  
A midnight kiss comes from Rae to Ronan while he sleeps through the first minutes of the new year. Followed by one from her mum, and several friendly pecks on the cheeks from the nurses and doctors working the holiday night. Rae drives them home carefully that night, and snuggles up in bed with a hot cuppa. She hopes, while she shifts to get comfortable, that the only New Years kisses in Louis' end matches the ones from hers.  
  
As she drifts off to sleep, a text lights up her phone from the one person who's constantly thought about since Christmas Eve. 

 

***


	34. It Is What It Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual warnings: Hospital reality, mild panic attacks, mentions of unintentional self harm

The week following the New Year takes an unexpected turn for the Hospice, and though it's not as horrible as it could be, it's still rather bad. Several of the kids at Hummingbird are put on bed rest, others are moved into isolation and ICU. A twelve year old with leukemia is heart-breakingly all but imprisoned in her bed when just a year ago she was running around the football pitch as the starting forward. A young boy, only ten years old, is moved to ICU when his heart began to fail in the middle of the night, and is now hooked up to a breathing machine. Little Olivia is moved into isolation when she caught pneumonia just two days after New Years. Ronan, with tears in his eyes, asks his sister why he can no longer play with her. No matter how many times, however gently Rae explains it to him, he still doesn't fully comprehend.  
  
All five boys are witnesses to most of this, and look on helplessly as Rae, once again, tries to explain why Olivia is in another room. They watch Rae hold her brother close to her chest every time they're there. Louis knows her so well already; knows that when she closes her eyes she prays silently for the other children, for Ronan. He knows the anxious look clouding her eyes is from horrible anticipation, like she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop- Ronan's shoe.  
  
Louis' taken to quietly watching her from the corner of Ronan's room. From the opposite side of the table during lunch, to when she's walking away to go to work. It's always the same. Rae will clutch once or twice at her chest then seems to remember that she's not alone and puts on that mask of hers. It's when she thinks she's alone, like when she goes to get herself coffee, does she let herself feel something. Louis sees her bring herself to near panic attack each time and before he can actually step in to help, to comfort and reassure her, she pulls herself together.   
  
He knows exactly what she's thinking during those moments. He hates when she becomes reserved, turns into herself and allows her mind to take over, plague her with that nightmare, that dark shadow that steals Ronan away. She'll gnaw at her bottom lip, twirl a piece of her hair around her finger until its a deep red. Or quickly bounce her foot so her whole leg shakes with the movement, or just relentlessly claw at her chest. Digs her nails hard enough in her skin to leave imprints, scratches until her skin is left with raw crimson streaks across her chest plate, her collar bones. It's only when Louis finally, truly catches her in a moment of her storm-raging mind, does she come back to reality; to him. He'll squeeze her hand just hard enough, coaching her with soft caring words, until her eyes clear and she smiles back at him.  
  
  
Louis' so thankful for the other lads, who all quickly understand the situation, and help Rae out whenever Louis isn't around. Liam catches Rae during the worst one yet. It's a Friday morning, gloomy and freezing when they enter the Hospice. They bypass Ronan's room, the door closed and blinds shut tightly.   
  
Dread clenches in their stomachs and Louis hopes, prays, wishes, that Ronan is simply napping. It's on his mind most of the morning. On Harry's when he misses his line in the song they're singing. On Niall's when his fingers stumble over his guitar strings hitting the wrong chords. On Liam's when he actually forgets a lyric, and on Zayn's. Zayn is when he has to escape the second he ends the last note to head outside and smoke. By the time he comes back, half his pack of cigarettes are gone.  
  
They've just finished visiting a young girl whose birthday is today, when Louis notices Liam sneakily rushing off down the opposite hall. He tries to lean around Paul to see where Liam is running too, but gets distracted by one of the Hospice's Board members thanking them for their time. Louis only half listens, catching bits and pieces of the Hospices funds dropping due to the new equipment they we're suppose to get but are now held off because of it.   
  
Louis is just about to give his full attention to the situation when dark purple scrubs flash in the corner of his eye. The nurse is backing out of Ronan's room, sad smile on her face as she shuts the door and it clicks. Glancing warily at Paul to make sure he's occupied, Louis gives a hand signal and mouths _"Raelyn"_ to Harry, who nods in response. With one more glance at Paul, Louis swiftly walks toward the hall Liam disappeared to.   
  
When He finally finds them, by that window he first saw her, Liam is cradling Rae in his arms. And it looks...bad. Rae is hunched over her knees with her hands at each side of her head gripping at her hair. Louis can't hear him, but Liam seems to be murmuring something in her covered up ear, attempting to soothe her. Her shoulders heave, her body trembling; she's having a panic attack.   
  
As Louis hurries to get closer he can hear Rae mumbling _"I can't"_ over and over, rocking back and forth. Liam only encourages her, straightens out her legs with some difficulty and bends her over her knees. It's a position to help her breath better, helps her calm a little. Liam keeps a firm hand on her back even as Louis crouches down next to her.   
  
"Raelyn, sweetheart." Louis speaks softly, gently prying her fingers away from her hair. He leans down further so his mouth is ghosting over her ear. "It's going to be alright. Just count remember? You can do it, love. Count for me? In for two-"  
  
He hears Rae inhale shortly, and exhales sharply, but soon her breath starts to stutter again. Louis tries once more, starting over as Liam continues to rubs comforting circle around her back. It works better the second time around, and once Rae fully calms, makes it to ten breaths, she sits up, only to slump against Liam. She doesn't look up at Louis once.   
  
"Raelyn?" He questions, a little confused why she won't make eye contact. "Love, please look at me."  
  
Rae shakes her head against Liam's chest. Louis sighs.  
  
"Is-?"  
  
"He's fine." Liam answers Louis softly, offering a relieved smile.   
  
"Yeah? Rae, that's good. That's a good thing." Louis tells her, placing a hand on her knee and squeezing.   
  
Shrugging, Rae finally looks at Louis, eyes not as bright blue as they normally are. Maybe that's why she didn't want to look at him, she looks exhausted. Utterly drained with the lingering affects of panic, fear. Like she's been having that nightmare each night, holding it in and not telling anyone. Louis doesn't put it past her. He knows she knows what exactly he sees in her eyes, and she pleads with him silently. He's not sure when they've each that level of mental communication, but he's fine with that.   
  
Louis brushes back her hair and asks "Would you like some tea, then?"  
  
"Please." She responds, dropping her eyes to her lap.  
  
"Li?"  
  
"I'm good, but thank you." He says. "I'll just stay here with her."  
  
Louis nods as he stands up. When he turns to look over his shoulder as he leaves, Rae is once again leaning against Liam.

  
*  
  
The tea never makes it back to Raelyn. As Louis is coming back from the cafe, he passes the room where he saw Rae praying that one day. The door is ajar, the gap wide enough for Louis to peer through instead just the window. That's when he sees her; a tiny baby in the arms of her crying mother. There's another Doctor in the room, speaking softly to the parents with a grave look on her face. He seems to be waiting for an answer from the parents, who nod in some sort of agreement.   
  
He watches the Doctor turn towards a machine that's hooked to the little girls arms by clear tubes, and turns it off. Louis hides around the corner when the doctor approaches the door and waits for her to leave. He peeks his head around and watches the family. Like the switch the doctor just shut off, it clicks in his head.   
  
Louis just stares at the family. He can feel his stomach twist and drop to his feet, can feel his heart ache, tightens in his chest almost knocking his breath away. He wonders briefly if this is how Rae always feels. Before he knows it, his feet are carrying him away from the room, away from the heart wrenching sounds. He makes it to the back of the hall, through the doors of the fire escape before he finally sinking down on one of the steps. It's just not anyone's day today.   
  
He doesn't realize he's crying until a tear lands on his jeans, soaking a dark spot into the material. For the first time since coming to Hummingbird, Louis feels like he no longer wants to come. He just can't take what's happening in front of his eyes anymore, and he doesn't even have anyone living here. He tries to stop crying, tries to wipe them away but it's like the floodgates opened.

He stays there, head bowed on his knees, until he's caught by a nurse. She gently tells him he can't stay and block the emergency exit. S he moves down the hallway, hoping no one will notice him. Someone does. He shouldn't be surprised Rae finds him; after all, he's always finding her. She turns the corner from another hallway and spots him.  
  
"There you are," Rae starts, "you've been gone for twenty minutes. Been wondering where's my tea- Louis?"  
  
Louis just shakes his head. There was only one time she ever saw him like this and he was hoping it would be the last. He's the one who has to be her anchor, be strong for her. Not have Rae see him breaking down, just freshly after her own.   
  
"Louis." Rae frowns, eyebrows furrowed deep.   
  
She gently grabs his elbow and pulls him along, until they're out of the Ward altogether. Rae brings him to the waiting area just outside the double doors, sits him down in the pink cushioned chair, plopping down right next to him. She reaches her hand towards his face, wipes away the tears falling down his cheek, and he tells her. Briefly. Tells her what he saw, and continues to cry quietly.

  
*  
  
No matter how many times Rae swipes her thumb across his cheekbone to clear his tears, they just keep coming. Silently escaping the brim of his eyes, falling one after another; and it's not his fault. No. Not his fault just happening to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and witness the actual death of that tiny baby girl.   
  
He didn't mean to linger, he was just trying to bring back tea. It's like he was forced to do a double take when he saw the scene in front of him, that little girl bundled up in her soft pink blanket encased in the incubator. Her parents standing by her side, the father holding the quivering mother in his arms. He turned away the minute the beeping had stop, the same time the mother let out a wail that Louis doesn't practically ever want to hear again. So no, not his fault to willingly stand there.   
  
"Lou..."  
  
He hears her, he _does._  It's just that he can hear the parents cries and the machines signaling a last breath as well. He sees the blue of her eyes, and the trembling of the father, and wonders again, if this is what Rae always feels; what she always sees.   
  
He can feel his breath hitch quietly, and it would possibly be embarrassing, if he didn't trust her so much. It's funny how much the tables can turn for each other in their friendship- whatever they are at the moment, he's more sure. But they're there for each other, they have to be while spending most of their time in a place like this.   
  
He feels more than sees her move to wipe away yet another tear, but abruptly snaps out of his daze-like state when he sees her shift. Louis focuses his eyes on her, tracking her movements as she leans forward. Rae's hand doesn't leave his face, instead she just rests it lightly against his jaw and neck, the way he does it to her. Her hand is soft and warm, spreading throughout his body, wondering how she can be so warm when it's still so cold out. The thought disappears when her lips come in contact with his right cheek, tenderly kissing what he's sure are the tear tracks staining his skin. Before Louis can properly react, Rae leans her forehead against his temple, and speaks, her lips just barely grazing over his cheek.  
  
"I wish I could steal your tears and make them mine." She says softly, like a gentle breeze against his ear.  
  
Louis ignores his heart skipping in beats, settles for blatant shock instead. He tires to pull away to look at her, but Rae's other hand tightens on the back of his shirt, and keeps him locked in place. He feels her tense up, as if speaking aloud was a mistake; a confession she never expected to voice. _Like she's scared._  
  
But she shouldn't be scared, not from something like that. Of this Hospice, maybe? Yes. Of the situation her brother is currently in, of bills she hopes to pay on time, of being the rock for her mother? Yes. Of people who may possibly abandon her because that's all she has ever really known? Possibly, yes. But of Louis, of his reaction to whatever comes out of her mouth? Of truly and finally opening herself up to him, confessing things she probably would never dream of? Of wanting to be his own rock, his own anchor when she herself needs one? No.   
  
Louis tries to turn his head to look at her, but Rae is hiding her face in his hair, and he can't help but be endeared. His heart swells a little when he tries again and she makes this little embarrassed whimper in response. Fond, nothing but fond he is of her right now. Instead, Louis crosses his arm over his chest to reach the hand Rae has still fisting his shirt, and gently pries open her vice like grip. Once he's set the back of his Vans Off the Wall shirt free, he lifts her hand over his head, settles their hands on his knee, and laces his fingers together with hers. He ignores the way they seem to fit nicely together, and offers a comforting squeeze to her knuckles; his tears, as embarrassing as they could've been, have dried up.  
  
Louis, possibly to make her feel like she's not the only one with a cute, little, borderline corny confession, murmurs in her ear. "I wish I could take away your pain, give you my heart instead."   
  
And it's- it's fine, it's okay, his own words. They've been burning on the tip of his tongue for a while now, and it's the closet thing to confessing his love for her without actually doing so. He keeps his lips pressed lightly against her hair, over her ear, still squeezing her fingers together with his own. He lets the words hover between them, hoping they will sink in and Rae will realize that Louis is completely gone for her. If the beating of his abnormally loud heart doesn't give it away first. But he can feel her pulse racing under his fingertips where he's lays his other hand on her wrist, still at his neck, and thinks it's alright.  
  
His words finally gets Rae to reveal her face, her wide eyes immediately finding his. Louis ignores the lurching feeling in his stomach, like that drop anticipated on a roller-coaster. He finds Rae's eyes unreadable, flicking with something so quickly Louis sure it was just a trick of the light. But God, she's so beautiful; despite her unreadable eyes, her face is relaxed and opened, her mouth just barely parted, inhaling quietly.  
  
His eyes involuntarily drop to her lips, dark pink today, and he wonders what would happen if he can just get over this irrational fear and just bloody kiss her already. Would she pull away or lean into it? Welcome it or reject it? Would her lips feel as soft as they always feel against his cheeks. Or silky, like when he pressed flower petals to his skin when he was a child or smooth like velvet? Would she taste like the coconut she usually always smells like, or like strawberry chaptsick she uses when it's cold out?  
  
Louis doesn't even notice he's leaning in until her hears Rae release a shuddering breath and her fingers tightening on his. His eyes flicker back up to hers; he sees curiosity burning like blue embers, as well as a hint of the same flick he saw beforehand. It was hidden quite well up until now; fear. Despite what he sees, Rae starts tilting her head a fraction to the right. Before Louis can even take another breath, can even think that this is happening, the doors open and someone calls his name.  
  
"Louis? We've got that interview in an hour and we- oh!" Liam comes through the doors, halting mid sentence when he sees them.   
  
Liam is anything but stupid, and calculates the situation quickly in his head. Louis can practically see when it dawns on him. He clears his throat as quietly as he can.  "Right," He continues, "That interview. Paul wants us back at the car in five minutes. I'll just...wait. Over there. By that window. That's a lovely window."  
  
Louis rolls his eyes fondly. Liam may not be dumb in this kind of situation, but subtly has never been his strong point. Rae hides her face in Louis' shoulder, suppressing soft giggles.  
  
"You're alright, Li. I'm coming." Louis makes to get up, but a delicate touch to his cheek freezes him. Rae keeps her fingers there, pressing a little harder where his tears were falling earlier.   
  
She smiles tentatively at him. "Okay?" She asks quietly.  
  
"Okay." Louis breathes back. He pushes her hair back behind her ear, and letting the strains filter between his fingers for a moment. Then bops her on the nose.  
  
Rae scrunches her nose in response, squeezes his hand once more, then stands. Louis watches her walk towards Liam, who seems utterly interested in the car park outside, and gives him a hug from behind. She seems to whisper something in his ear that causes Liam to chuckle. He turns around in her arms to return her hug in full. He makes eye contact with Louis briefly, curious brown eyes asking so many question. Louis just shakes his head no, knowing it's the perfect answer for any of the questions Liam is asking mentally. Louis watches him hug her a little tighter before he lets her go, and they both watch her walk away.  
  
"So..." Liam begins casually, "are you ever going to tell her?"  
  
Louis knows what he's asking now. He sighs. "It is what is it is. For now."  
  
Liam claps a friendly hand on his shoulder and that's that. He forgets his sadness, pushes the baby girl to the back if his mind and follows Liam down to the main lobby. 

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I never truly realize how like...gloomy this story can be.


	35. Wedding Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end.

Mid January is freezing still; like that bone deep cold where nothing seems to be warm enough. Snow flurries swirl around in the air and Rae wonders, not for the first time, how's she's going to make through a winter wedding without her fingers falling off. She brings up this concern to Kari, over steaming mugs of hot chocolate as she comes up with plans to successfully photograph while wearing an Eskimo coat.  
  
"Are you bringing Louis as your date?" Kari asks casually, interrupting Rae mid Eskimo rant.  
  
Rae knows she hesitates for a half second, then says, "Photographers don't have dates." Then she takes a big gulp of hot chocolate, nearly burning her tongue. Ignores Kari when she just fixes her with a knowing look.  
  
That turns out to be a lie; for when Harry gets wind of that, he offers to be her date. Rae agrees only if Harry will reattach her fingers when they're eventually to snap off. Harry laughs, reminds her that the majority of the wedding is inside a nice warm church. So, she's got a casual, friendly date, because despite what every media outlet says about Harry Styles, he can in fact have a friend of the opposite sex who is just that. A friend. And if Louis is pretending to study his fingernails and not bite the inside of his cheek, then, okay. He doesn't go unnoticed to Rae.  
  
She spends the rest of their lunch sitting close to Louis, arms pressed against each other's while she asks his opinion on the latest issue of the Hospice newsletter. She ends up with Louis' wool-lined jean jacket over her shoulders when she shivers a little. Ignores Zayn's knowingly raised eyebrows when he nudges her foot beneath the table. If Liam and Niall notice how Louis' touch lingers over her hand when he -accidentally- brushes his fingers against her knuckles to point at a picture, they don't say anything about it.

*  
  
On the day of the wedding, Rae shows up on Louis and Harry's flat doorstep, quite annoyed, and a little earlier than planned. She just came from the Hospice, bag of her wedding outfit in hand. Harry opens the door, with a confused pout on his face.  
  
"You ruined the illusion of the date, Rae." He starts, stepping aside when Rae politely pushes pass him. "I'm suppose to pick _you_ up."  
  
Rae shrugs offhandedly, pulling off her boots. "I'll let you open doors for me, lovely Harold."  
  
There's a mumbled, "hanging out with Louis too much," from Harry.  
  
She continues talking, already making her way down the hall towards their rooms. "That one guard was at the gate and refused to let me in, even after I showed him my ID and my name on the list. Refused to call so I was sat there until he typed in all my info. Like he was doing a background check or something. As if I didn't just come from a children's hospital, with said sticker on the back of m-oof!"  
  
Rae literally runs into Louis mid sentence, as he comes out from his room. The unexpected impact knocks both of them back a few steps. Louis falls back into his door frame, and Rae knocks against Harry who had been following her.  
  
She blinks. Louis is shirtless. Shirtless and rubbing his right shoulder which knocked into the wooden paneling. Her eyes focus on his chest tattoo, on the 78 on his left shoulder, and blinks again. His skin is slightly tan (which how is that possible), and smooth and her eyes follow the lean cut of his stomach. She swallows the dry lump in her throat, and realizes Louis has been talking for a solid ten seconds.  
  
"-told him it was fine." He's saying. "You're about as harmless as a fluffy bunny."  
  
Mentally shaking her thoughts away, she asks, "Are you not freezing then?" Choosing to ignore the fluffy bunny comment; she can be more threatening than that.  
  
Louis smirks. "Someone stole me jacket the other day."  
  
"Borrowed."  
  
"Stole."  
  
"I clearly just forgot to return it to you, mister 'I just had to mess with Paul and end up being thrown over his shoulder and shoved into the car.'"  
  
Louis opens his mouth to retaliate, when Harry decides to make his presence known again. Rae nearly forgot he was there.  
  
"As lovely as it is to watch you two flirt," Harry begins, dodging Rae's foot when she subtly tries to stomp on his, "we've got a wedding to get ready for. And as Raelyn here is the photographer-"  
  
That snaps Rae back into action, quickly slipping past Louis to commandeer his room. She readies herself, cursing her lack of warm winter dresses in the process. Though praises the coat her mum bought her for her birthday two years ago.  
  
Once she's dressed, applied some makeup, and fiddles with her hair until she just leaves it down, she inhales deeply. She's nervous, is the thing. She just hopes her photos come out the way the bride wants then too; will hopefully love them. When Rae finally unlocks Louis' door and steps out into the living room, Harry's waiting patiently. He's dressed in a nice white button down, topped with a dark blue blazer and dark blue dress pants. Next to him, Louis lounges on the sofa, now wearing a soft maroon jumper. He straights up when Rae walks further into the room.  
  
"We did not plan this color coordination." Rae states teasingly, pointing a finger at Harry, who laughs heartily.  
  
The color of her dress matches Harry's blazer. It's the only long sleeved dress she owns, if barely. The sleeves are made of lace, stopping at the crook of her elbows. The material is fitted at her waist, then flares out a little at her hips, the hem falling mid thigh, and if it weren't for the cotton black legging underneath, she'd be walking on icicles. The back cuts open a bit, exposing her upper back and wings of her shoulder blades. Surely, she's going to freeze if she spends three minutes outside.  
  
"I may have convinced Gems to show me your dress. Proper date and all." Harry winks; though Rae isn't sure if it's directed at her or Louis.  
  
She bites her lip for a moment, suddenly concerned with her choice outfit. "It is- I mean, do I look alright? It's not too...I don't know."  
  
"Beautiful." Louis speaks up firmly. "You look beautiful, Raelyn. Completely wedding photographer worthy."  
  
Rae can only fiddle with her loose hair, twirling a finger around a strand and subconsciously pressing her hand to her chest. It doesn't clench painfully like it normally does, she just felt her heart skip a beat. It skips again when she sees Louis stand up, and slowly make his way over to her.  
  
When he's close enough for her to look up, she can only hold his gaze for a few moments before dropping her eyes to her shoes. She feels Louis's fingers unwind the strand of hair around her index finger, carefully pushing it back in place behind her ear. He doesn't stop there; he continues to run his fingers through her hair, almost like he's trying to style it.  
  
"Don't be nervous, Rae." Louis encourages quietly. Rae locks her eyes with his again. "You're an amazing photographer and every picture you take they're going to love. You've been so stressed lately. This something fun you get to do. Enjoy that. Have fun. Don't forget to breathe, and don't dance with Harry. He has two left feet."  
  
Rae can't help but smile at that, lightly holding onto Louis's wrist when he rests his hand on her shoulder. "Noted. Thank you."  
  
Her genuine smile is returned in full. Harry clearing his throat snaps them both from their little bubble. They bid each other goodbye, Louis complimenting Rae one more time and she swears it's so he can see her blush. As she pulls on her peacoat, she can hear Louis whisper something to Harry, but can't make out the words. When they're in Harry's car, after he opened her door for her, she made good on her promise, Harry tells her what Louis said. He chuckles warmly while Rae attempts to hide the smile creeping on her face.  
  
Harry keeps his promise to Louis. Although several guys try to ask Rae, he doesn't let anyone dance with her, other than himself. She allows Harry to twirl her under his arm, laughing when he accidentally trips her and stumbles into his chest. She loses Harry for a good half hour while she's snapping candid photos; secretly captures the moments when the bride and groom stare at each other, soft smiles and love in their eyes, when they think no one is watching.  
  
She sneaks away on her small break, slipping into the main hall of the church, finger clicking away on her camera as she takes photos of the church. She noticed the winter light streaming through some of the stained glass windows, hoping the photos would come out almost artistic. Harry finds her five minutes later, dragging her back into the wedding party, not before he steals her camera and takes a picture of themselves.  
  
Rae feels light, like the weight of what goes on in her life decided to lift off her shoulder for a few hours. She has fun, in her element of losing herself to photography. Of dancing with Harry and laughing when the brides ten year old nephew asks her to dance. Harry feigns jealously, and gives Rae's hand to the boy.

*  
  
They get back from the wedding in the evening. Louis sat between Zayn and Liam while playing video games. Niall having gone home to Ireland for a few days to visit family. Rae pouts mockingly at that, says she misses Niall already; even brought him back some cake.  
  
Rae is buzzing. She's confident with how the photos will turn out and has a bigger spout of confidence when she corners Louis in the kitchen, blue dress and heels still on. He's making tea, just pouring the steaming water into five cups.  
  
"I take it your fingers didn't fall off then?" Louis smiles, handing her a cup of tea; apple spice because she wanted something warm.  
  
"Not once." Rae smiles back, letting the mug warm up her hands. "It was a lovely wedding, Louis. The church was stunning, so beautiful. Had these stain glass windows, I took some photos. They were blue and green and just so gorgeous like-"  
  
"Like your eyes." Louis blurts out. Word vomit.  
  
Rae was holding the mug half way to her mouth when he spoke. She lowers it carefully until it hits the counter. "What?" She questions breathlessly.  
  
"I mean- I. Your eyes sometimes remind me of those windows. Because some days they're so blue, and those little specks of gold and green- well it's almost turquoise- so yeah. Stained glass eyes."  
  
Rae can feels the confused expression on her face. That made sense, right? It sounds like it did; does. Sounds like Louis just compared her eyes to beautiful glass stained windows.  
  
"Yeah?" She can't help but wonder.  
  
"Yep." Louis pops the P, stirring his tea with a spoon, avoiding her eyes. Watches the tea swirl around the spoon.  
  
"Louis." Rae taps his hand lightly so he looks at her. "Would you like to come to my dark room? See how I develop photos?"  
  
Louis fixes her with an unreadable gaze. It's a little unnerving the way his blue eyes read into hers. Her heart is beating faster than normal; it's a step for her. She never brings anyone to her dark room. It's the one place where she doesn't really have to think, just let it happen. But she wants to show Louis.  
  
"Absolutely." Louis finally answers. "I'd love too."  
  
Rae picks up her mug and smiles brightly into her tea.

 

  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you always for reading.
> 
> During this chapter and the last, this fictional story turned out to be not so fictional anymore. At the time, in 2014 when this chapter was written, I live with my best friend and her family. Her nephew had gotten sick with what we thought was a cold. It wasn't, and he was rushed to the ER at 6am on a Friday. He'd been having seizures and totally spaced out. He was transferred to a Children's Hospital in St. Peterburgs, FL.
> 
> He had been there for a month, and when we thought he was going to come home May 4th, he took a turn for what seemed like the worst. When he had been doing so well and smiling and being himself. His name is Connor, and he had been suffering from a Herpes Simplex One Encephalitis - an inflammation of his brain. The herpes virus in babies from 6 months and under is fatal. Connor was just turning 7 months old when it hit him.
> 
> When he took the turn for the worst, we found out that his own antibodies starting to attack him. He developed a rare auto immune disorder and the antibodies attacked his brain. He didn't recognize anything or anyone. His eyes were contastly moving, as was his body. He had to have little arm weights to hold him down. He would have "neruo-storms" which made is fever shoot up to 105, and his heart rate even higher. Finally, there was a decision made and they put him into an induce 10 day coma for Plasmapheresis. Which is removing blood plasma from the body by withdrawing blood, separating it into plasma and cells, and transfusing the cells back into the bloodstream.
> 
> After that he came back to us. He got an MRI and it was "devestating" as the doctor put it. His brain looked like swiss cheese. Almost the whole side of his brain was gone and a part of his left. 
> 
> I slept in that hospital with him every other night. Watching this happen, fearing he wouldn't make it. I have a stained bracelet from a night I won't forget. I have memories of this place and that room and that boy that will haunt me.
> 
> Today, two years later, by some amazing miracle, Connor is walking. He's in pre school, and he's still working on alot of things. He's basically a year behind in development. So as a three year old, his brain is two. There was one doctor that didn't think he'd make it or if he did, he wouldn't walk or talk. HA!  
> At the point of this story, I had stopped writing. Rae's life became mine, and I just couldn't continue writing until I knew what would happen to Connor.
> 
> He's a beautiful little boy and the love of my life and everyday he fights without even realizing it. Everyday he inspire me.
> 
> So that's that story. Sorry if it was too long of a end note. I just had to explain. There's an upcoming chapter that's more real and fictional.


	36. Peter Pan and Wendy Darling

Just four days after the wedding begins to take a turn that Rae hopes won't be a pattern. Rae finally, finally, flops down onto her bed, groaning from exhaustion. She doesn't understand how her days have become progressively worse. Double shifts that hug the line into a triple shift at the Diner because a new coworker likes to bugger off and drink into the morning light. She doesn't know why Jasper hired him in the first place. She pulls out her phone from her pocket, which takes a great amount of effort, checking any updates from her mother who's actually staying the night at the hospital. Nothing. Rae sighs, then plugs her phone into the charger.  
  
Ronan began to spike a temperature on Monday, slowly crawling up with each passing day. The nurses said it could possibly be from the chemotherapy since they upped the dosage of it. To which, Rae doesn't fully understand why. She was informed of some new, suspicious activity in Ronan's brainwaves. Doctor Ramsey decided to call for a new type of medicine just recently discovered to help. That doesn't sit right in Raelyn's stomach, but her mum give the consent for it. However, the new dosage and medication calls to be at the hospice more often than not, and she is just _tired_. Rae knows though, no matter how tired she is, it will always be harder on her brother. She reminds herself that what she thinks is a bad day, is absolutely nothing compared to living in a hospital and sitting through a grueling eight hour chemo session.   
  
However, today she allows herself just five minutes of wallowing. A wallowing that she only does in her mind, reflecting on the day and accepting that it did, in fact, suck bollocks. The new co-worker who burnt the coffee at the Diner, the dent in the back bummer of her car because someone decided to backup into Charlie while Raelyn was at the hospital before her shift and not bother leaving a note. The hospital, the hospital was the worst. It seemed like every beautiful child had a horrible day. Cries of pain, cries for mummies and daddies, cries of exhaustion and cries that didn't come from a child, but the parents of one. Rae doesn't want to go there because it'll just make her chest clench up like it did early. Because Rae has become a bit of an unwilling masochist, in which she just attempts to make herself cry, force out the tears that haven't shed for three years by watching the parents of the children who are called upward. All it truly does though, is set off her panic attacks and her chest spasms so painfully it literally takes the breath out of her lungs.   
  
However, she is the healthy, she thinks now, because her wallowing is over. She lives at home, with no tubes or needles or beeping machines. No linger of death's spirit every day, no pain in walking, breathing, living. Rae sits up, rubbing her hands over her face and listening to the silence of her house. It's quiet, as always, an empty silence that's anything but peaceful. She much prefers the sounds of the Hospice, no matter how depressing they can be, but it's better than being alone in a dark house; alone with her thoughts. She hates the quiet, hates how she can hear her heart beating, her blood flowing through her veins, the air in her lungs as she breathes in and out. She hates being alone. She hates the darkness of it; shades of gray like those of a black and white photos. Grays and blacks that surround her and swallow her up and she can't help but think if they do that to Ronan. If the dark colors his organs, courses through his blood only to attack his heart.   
  
A sharp pain breaks Rae's thoughts and its only then she realizes she's been digging her nails into her chest, scratching as if she's trying to rid the pain there. She shoves her hand under her thigh, and inhales deeply. Before anymore thoughts can invade her mind, a faint rapping from downstairs sounds. Confused - it's one in the morning, who the hell is knocking at the door- she gets up slowly. She grabs that same threatening umbrella on the way out of her room, and quietly descends down the stairs. She peeks through the peep hole, then drops her menacing weapon in the corner, because of _course_.  
  
  
"What are you doing here?" Rae asks as she opens the door, slightly guilty. She hasn't talked to Louis in four days time.  
  
But here he is, standing there in all his glory, looking absolutely handsome and too put together for this time of night. Wearing dark jeans, a gray jumper, blue beanie and that wool lined jean jacket he finally got back from her. She blames the moon's lighting; casting shadows on his cheekbones.  
  
Louis just smiles, holding out his hand. "Come with me, Wendy Darling."  
  
"You're serious?" Rae deadpans after a moments pause, crossing her arms and leaning against the door frame. "Are you saying you're Peter Pan?"  
  
"For the night." Is Louis' answer, smile growing bigger and mischievous. "All you need is faith and trust." He shakes his hand a bit, offering for her to take it.  
  
Rae opens her mouth for a sarcastic response, but stops herself, and considers. "Am I going to regret this?"   
  
Louis' eyebrows quirk upward. "You'll only know when it's over."  
  
For several long moments, Rae hesitates, shooting Louis a questionable look. She's exhausted and on edge from working and just her life in general. Maybe she should just politely decline, take a nice hot shower and curl up in bed. But...she assets Louis once more; blue eyes twinkling like the stars in the sky, mirthful smirk quirking up the corners of his lips. Maybe, just maybe, Peter Pan's spirit really lives within him, and she could probably use an escape from reality. Rae notices the softness around his eyes as he continues to stare at her, waiting. Finally, she slowly places her hand in his, fingers grasping tightly over hers, then pulls her along.  
  
*  
  
  
"You ruined my moment!" Louis pouts, walking along a short stone wall as Rae decides to play it safe and walk on the ground.  
  
"I had to leave a note for my mum so she wouldn't come home at two AM and find her daughter has gone missing." Rae defends lightly. "Plus I had to change."  
  
"Wendy went to Neverland and didn't leave a note for her parents. In her nightgown too." Mumbles Louis.  
  
Rae stops in her tracks. "You're not going to let this Peter Pan thing go tonight, are you?"  
  
At her words, Louis spins gracefully to face her, and if she tried that she'd fall flat in her face. "You are correct, Wendy!" He holds his hand out again, dropping his childish antics for a moment. "Now, will you fly with me, or stay grounded on something you know causes you pain?"  
  
For the second time, Rae takes his hand, without any hesitation.   
  
*  
  
  
  
 _"Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars and let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words hold my hold, in other words baby kiss me, fill my heart my song-_ "  
  
"Are you singing Frank Sinatra?" Rae laughs lightly.  
  
Louis ended up leading her to the park, where he hopped onto a swing, standing on the seat and singing to the sky. The sight was rather endearing, causing these little flutters in her stomach. When Louis looks back at her, blue eyes bright like the moon shinning behind him, the flutters skip up to her heart and she swallows the breath caught in her throat when he smiles at her.   
  
"I wish I had a camera right now." She says softly, mostly to herself.  
  
Louis brightens up, hops off the swing and runs over to the tree just at the edge of the sand. He comes back with a vintage looking Polaroid, giving to Rae and returning to the sing.  
  
"What...are you?" Rae asks somewhat breathless. "Where'd you get this?"  
  
Louis's laugh echoes through the night. "Take your pictures, Darling. And before you go on about how expensive Polariods are, trust me when I say this one was free."  
  
"Thief." Rae smiles fondly.  
  
Louis shrugs, not elaborating on how he got the camera. Rae tries to bite back the smile continuing to grow on her lips, knowing that stashing a Polaroid behind a tree in the park was nothing but planned. She snaps a picture of Louis, who makes a funny face, before facing the moon again, picking up where he left off on Frank. The picture exits the camera and develops slowly. Rae carefully sticks it in her back pocket once its fully dry and developed. She takes several more pictures of Louis with the moon as his spotlight, then takes pictures of the empty swings, of the tree in the distance. The tree picture is daunting, hardly able to make it out in the picture but its beautiful and she pockets it just the same.   
  
"Wendy Darling."  
  
"Yes, Peter?"  
  
"C'mere!" Louis jerks his head, motioning for her to come towards him.   
  
She carefully puts down the camera, and stands next to the swings. Louis hops down once more, places his hands on Rae's waist and helps her stand on the swing. She wobbles some, but Louis holds her steady, has been holding her steady since she's met him and she thinks she never wants him to stop. She looks down at him when she feels his hand gently squeeze her waist; anchor.  
  
  
*

Louis settles Rae on the swing, checks to make sure her feet are planted on the curve of it. He keeps his hands on her for moments longer than he has the right too, before stepping back a little. Reluctantly, he lets her go, then begins to push the swing forward.  
  
"You'll catch me right? If I fall?" Rae questions softly, once she starts moving through the air.  
  
"Of course!" Louis scoffs, like its the most absurd thing he's ever been question. Barely a minute later though, Louis being himself, shakes the swing a little, causing Rae to nearly fall off. She holds tight to the chains and glares at Louis.  
  
"My hatred for you grows, Lou." She states firmly.   
  
"If that's the furthest from the truth!" He laughs, patting her calf in apology. "I won't do it again."  
  
"I'm trusting you, you know."  
  
There's a short pause before Louis answers her with a soft, "I know."   
  
It sounds heavy. He knows exactly what that means even if Raelyn doesn't realize what she said. Louis steps back further, allowing her to swing freely on her own, watching her. The moonlight breaking through the clouds catches in her hair, fluttering from the wind of her swinging. It outlines her body, making her glow with something that's more than just light. He walks around, now standing in front of her, a safe three feet back so he won't get hit. Her eyes are closed, chin tilted towards the stars and a hint of a smile on her lips.   
  
It's that moment, the moment Louis realizes just how much trust she has in him, how much she's opened up to him in the several months. How much she has confessed, confided in him, how much she needed him in those moments when her mind took over. She always called him, always sought of for him, always wanted his hold on her. Her anchor when she floats towards the darkness of reality, her comfort when she does float away. Louis sees it now. It's in the pictures she shows him, in the way she lets him hold her camera, lets him hold Ronan. Lets him hold the most important things in her life in his hands, and she doesn't even realize it. He's seen her at her worse, seen her at her best and all the moments in between. He sees it in the moments Louis allows himself to take her away, to be her shoulder, her friend, her entertainment, her escape. Sees it in the moment he knows he'll drop everything to be there for her. He sees her. Clear and bright like the moonlight that still shines down on her.   
  
Louis' heart beat abruptly kicks up five notches, hammering rapidly in his chest. His stomach tightens and he feels warmth spread through his body and up to his cheeks. Louis sees, in that moment Rae stands on the swing cutting back and forth through the air, that he has fallen for her. He's realized this before, but now, in this moment, he knows just hard and deep he fell down that rabbit hole. That he can fully, undoubtedly, admit it to himself now; he loves her like he's never loved anyone before in his life.  
  
Louis bends over to pick up the camera, snapping a quick picture of her. Apparently Raelyn hears the shutter that breaks into her serene moment. It startles her, leaning forward a little too much. She wobbles on the swing trying to keep her balance, and in the end opts to just hop off. But her foot catches the rubber seat, tripping her and sending her toppling over into Louis, camera still in hand. They both hit the sand with a breathless grunt. Rae lands halfway on Louis, rolling off and smacking his chest with the back of her hand.   
  
"You said you'd catch me!" She laughs, grabbing the camera making sure it wasn't harmed.  
  
"How am I suppose to know you'd be a klutz and fall?"   
  
"It's like you don't know me at all, Peter." Rae quips, sticking out her tongue.   
  
"Now she wants to play along." He says with the fondest of eye rolls.  
  
"Peter'd never let Wendy fall."  
  
At that, with the playfulness in her voice, Louis rolls over onto his stomach gazing down at Rae. He tries to ignore how incredibly blue the moon makes her eyes look, almost sliver, and switches back to his original plan.  
  
"Bet cha can't catch me with the camera, Trippy McTripper." He dares mirthfully, grabbing the camera back. With that, he springs up, running away from her as fast as he can.  
  
"Hey!" Rae whines, pushing herself up and chasing the boy who honestly probably is the person he's pretending to be.

  
*  
  
  
Rae stops just short of the tree, panting slightly and pushing back her hair from her face. She scans the park, only lit by the blue hue of the moon and that one street lamp and see absolutely no one. Lovely. She brushes off most of the sand stuck to her clothes, then pulls her coat a little more tighter around herself. The temperature seems to be dropping the later it gets, and finding Louis needs to be quick so she won't freeze.  
  
"Louis!" Rae calls. No response. "Lou-is!" She walks around the tree, with still no sign of him. It's an open park with only two places to hide; the tunnel slide and the tree. Sighing, Rae gives in again.   
  
"Alright, Peter. You've had your fun, now stop hiding. S'bloody cold out here." She says. Rae halts walking, and looks up at the dark tree branches, squinting her eyes. She can't make any shapes out, just the thick leaves of the branches.   
  
"Did you up and fly away without me?"

Rae feels something grab her shoulder the same time as a loud shout. Her heart jumps to her throat, spinning around and glare, no doubt, at Louis...who's laughing joyously. Rae shoves him back with no force behind it.   
  
"You, sir," Rae begins "are but a child. You scared me."  
  
"I'm- okay, I'm sorry." Louis apologies.  
  
He's still laughing though, the sound of it skipping towards Rae and settling into her bones. She listens to the tinkling of it, the giddiness that shouldn't come out of a grown man, yet it just fits Louis perfectly. Smiling suspiciously, Rae slips around the trunk of the tree out of sight while Louis regains himself. She waits for him to realize she's the one hiding now.   
  
"I swear if you jump out at me..." Louis threatens playfully.   
  
Rae shakes her like as if he can see her, and slowly, carefully peeks her head around to see Louis' back towards her, walking the opposite way around the tree. She follows behind him, careful to avoid stepping on any fallen leaves and sticks. Louis suddenly turns around, Rae hiding from sight in the nick of time. She looks up, coming up with her own little disappearing act. She quickly jumps up, catching the lowest branch of the tree and swings her legs up. Once she steadies herself on the branch, she climbs two thick branches higher, just as the top of Louis' head appears.  
  
"Now who's the kid?" He teases. "And to think I brought those little coffee beans you like so much."  
  
Rae scoffs quietly, because of course he would play dirty and use chocolate covered espresso beans to his advantage. Nor did he tell her he had them stashed away somewhere.  
  
"Think, Peter Pan." Rae calls down. She shifts over onto another branch just left of Louis' sight once he looks up. "Now where would I be hiding?"  
  
"Certainly not up in a big, obvious tree." He answers, smile laced with his voice.   
  
"Certainly not!"  
  
"Up in the sky I presume. In that case, you stole pixie dust and therefore are a thief of the fairies!"  
  
"I did no such thing, t'was Captain Hook!"  
  
"T'was Wendy Darling...and she's right there." Louis finally spots her when the moons light streak through the leaves.   
  
Rae laughs, genuinely laughs at him, at their pretend characters, at what was a horrible night now forgotten.   
  
"Come down and I'll give you your gift." Louis bargains, smiling up at her.  
  
Rae slips down onto the lowest branch. "Will you catch me this time?"   
  
Louis' smile fades into a soft tilt, holding up his arms. "Always."  
  
"That's what you said last time and I got a face full of sand." Rae reminds him.  
  
"Shh, that one doesn't count!"  
  
The laughter that escapes her lips echoes throughout the park. Unknowingly echoing in Louis' ears straight to his heart. "Promise me!" She points down to him.  
  
Louis steps closer, placing his hands on her dangling ankles. "For to have faith, is to have wings."  
  
"Did you just...did you just quote The Little White Bird?"  
  
A smile slowly spread across Louis' lips. "To trust is an awfully big adventure." He tells her softly.  
  
The words cause Raelyn's heart to skip a beat. She nods, and hops off the branch with Louis' help, straight into his arms. There's that same moment that keeps accruing to them. Where they simply just lock eyes. It happened at Christmas, at the hospital, and several times before. Rae leans up on her toes the same time Louis lowers his head, noses grazing each others and foreheads connected. The next words spoken are gentle, soft like the breeze in the night.  
  
"Neverland," She starts, "made me forget. Thank you, Louis." She softly presses her lips to the corner of his mouth once again -maybe she'll have the courage to moved them just a bit to the right some day soon- then steps back. "I'd like my espresso beans now, please."  
  
Raelyn doesn't see Louis trace the spot where the feel of her lips linger with his fingers, nor does she know his thoughts; he would always take her to Neverland.

  
*  
  
It's quiet on the walk back to Rae's house, comfortable and nice. They don't need to fill the space with words, for they can perfectly accept just being in each other companies. Louis walks Raelyn's inside, and offers to make her tea before she goes to bed. They sit on the couch, sipping cups of Yorkshire while watching late night throwback cartoons. Soon, Rae's eyes are too heavy to keep open, the exhaustion of her days finally catching up to her, so she closes them for the night. Her head falls onto Louis' shoulder, so he adjusts the blanket they were sharing to cover her up more, tucking her away into her dreams. He doesn't dare move, not until he's woken up from his own slumber by a gentle tap on his arm.  
  
MaryAnn is standing over him, smiling fondly and offers to drive him home if he's too tired to drive himself. He politely declines, tells her to get some well deserved rest. He carefully slips out from under Rae's sleeping form, having shifted during the night horizontal the couch, gently lying her down. She mumbles in her sleep, indistinguishable words, and holds onto Louis' hand tightly, before her fingers loosen. Louis waits for her mother to climb the stairs bidding each other a good night, well, morning. Once she's gone, Louis bends and softly kisses Rae's forehead, then leaves, quietly shutting the door behind him. Knowing full well what happened during the night could be considered a date. he ignores what that thought does to his heart.  
  
When he gets home, Harry is awake, probably for his late night cuppa. Harry raises his eyebrows for details, sipping at his tea. Louis looks dead straight at his mate, and confesses:  
  
"I'm completely in love with her."  
  
Harry slowly puts down his mug. "Well...yeah."  
  
Louis throws the nearest thing at Harry, an oven mitt, then goes to bed smiling.

 

***


	37. Rae's Dark Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

Raes finger is turning a deep shade of red, twirled tightly inside a strand of her hair she's been curling around it for a while. She's bouncing her foot anxiously, and so fast the movement makes the small kitchen table wobble. It's a big deal, is the thing, asking - or more so, telling - Angelique she would like to bring Louis by the dark room.  
  
"Lovey." Angelique breaks Rae from her nerves, gently halting her bouncing leg with a hand on her knee. "Why are you so nervous about this?"  
  
Finally uncurling her finger from her hair, Rae simply just shrugs. "D'you think I'll say no? Or is it just because it's Louis?"  
  
"It's just," Rae begins quietly, "He's just...I've never brought anyone to it. It's my safe haven, y'know? It's a part of me. Personal, almost sacred to me, and bringing Louis is-"  
  
"Allowing him into your heart?" Angelique inputs with a small smile.  
  
Rae fixes her with an unimpressed stare. "I'm ignoring that comment."  
  
Her friend laughs, and pats Rae's knee with the hand still on it. "You know you don't have to ask to bring anyone to the room, Raelyn. It's been yours for years now."  
  
"Maybe. But it's still in your home."  
  
Angelique stands to get the kettle that's been brewing their tea since before Rae showed up. Rae watches her go about the kitchen, making the tea to their own liking and pulling out the homemade pastries she brought over. She gets settled again, serving Rae the tea and pastry before speaking again.  
  
"I'm leaving for Thailand tomorrow, anyway." She starts, "I'll be gone for three weeks as you know. You're welcomed to invite whoever you'd like. Just as long as they don't steal my clown mask."  
  
"Babe," Rae says seriously, "no one wants to steal that."  
  
A crumpled up napkin hits Rae square on the forehead and lands in her mug. She mumbles inappropriate things as she carefully fishes it out.

"Listen, Rae. You've got to stop over thinking, yeah? Just let him in. You've been doing it since you've met him. This isn't any different."  
  
Rae remains silent, just sipping her tea cautiously, thinking. Despite her friend's advice.  
  
*  
  
  
It's a Saturday afternoon when Rae pushes open the heavy doors of a small loft after unlocking them. She looks back at Louis, jerking her head for him to follow her.  
  
"Angelique lives here," Rae explains quietly, "I check up on it once in a while when she travels, just to make sure everything's good and nobody's broken in. Plus, she lets me use her Dark Room. Well, it started out as hers, ended up as mine basically."  
  
Louis nods in wonder, slowly taking in the loft. The walls are covered in paintings and photographs, ranging from abstract and cute to haunting and dark. Small sculptures line tables and the dark wooden bookshelf in the corner. Fairy lights wrap around the railing above of what Louis assumes would be her friends room- or rather open place to sleep. The loft faintly smells of cinnamon and something else Louis can't quite put his finger on; oil paint probably.  
  
Rae eyes him for a moment before stating, "She's, erm, quite the artist."  
  
Louis chuckles, gently dragging his fingers over a handmade ceramic flower.  
  
"I'm going to set up the room, so just like...don't break anything? Or steal that creepy clown mask."  
  
Louis shoots her a look that has her shrugging and hiding her smile behind her hand. Rolling his eyes as she turns away, something on the wall catches his sight. Abandoning the smooth purple flower, he walks over to the wall next to the window. There's a series of photos, about fifteen, all hung up in a zigzaging motion. It takes a few seconds for Louis to realises that this photo set is not like the ones he saw by the flower. Instead, it's darker, much darker for its clearly portraying death. It's rather disturbing to Louis, when he studies the one picture of a sand mountain and realising those rocks are not actually rock, but hands and feet and- he steps back, shakes his head and collects himself. If he's honest with himself, the shots are actually really good, and when he reads the little letter taped next to another picture, he understands.  
  
The shoot was for a Uni project, to which several of the photos had won first place in an art show. He's about to turn away when he recognises the model in the last picture. His heart stutters fearfully for a moment, when he sees that the model is Raelyen. Lying in what looks like a tank of water, wrapped in flowly purple sheets. Her dark hair is spread out around her, stringy and clinging to the wall above the edge of the tank. Her skin is pale, almost with a grey tint to it, her eyes closed and smeared with dark eyeshadow and lips a daunting blue. She's lying in a tank full of tropical fish, looking extremely dead.  
  
Louis inhales sharply, finally stepping back. It's a fantastic photo, despite how his heart is pumping a little faster than normal. Probably due to meaning of the picture. Or just the fact that he's actually seeing what she would look like if she were-  
  
"That photo won first place in a show." Comes Rae's voice from behind him.  
  
Louis jumps about a foot in the air, earning an amused eyebrow raise from Rae. "Oh, y-yeah?" He manages to get out.  
  
"Yup. Some guy bought it and she won like fifty pounds for it. Not much, but she was really proud of herself and me. Gave me this little handmade journal she got along with it. Now some guy has a picture of dead me hanging in his sitting room. Quite disturbing, honestly."  
  
Louis can only nod.  
  
"Y'alright, Louis?"  
  
"Fine. Just...fine. Wasn't expecting it, is all."  
  
"Right. Well, come on then. The room's ready." Rae smiles, gently grabbing his wrist to lead him down the hallway.  
  
  
*  
  
Louis sits back and watches intently as Rae works. The dim glow of the red light bulb outlines every movement she makes, and when she turns to hang yet another developed picture, the light casts dark shadows across her face. Shadows of her eyelashes spider out across her cheekbones, lips dark and painted red with the light. When she looks up at Louis, he can't see the blue of her eyes anymore, somehow though, they still seem to sparkle with something that has nothing to do with the light.  
  
"You're not bored, are you? Because I can just do one more, then we can go get lunch or-" Rae starts.  
  
Louis interrupts her. "Far from bored, Rae. I like watching you work."  
  
He watches Rae's tongue flick out across her bottom lip before she bites away her smile. She's just so adorable at times, that Louis can't help that funny feeling that abruptly invades his stomach whenever he's around her. It's fine, it's okay.  
  
"Do you want to try?" Rae asks softly, picking up another blank sheet. "I've just finished the wedding photos, but I've got others for you."  
  
"Yes!" Louis pushes himself up from the counter he was leaning against to grab the tongs Rae offers him.  
  
While she gives him careful instructions, he notices how close she's standing to him, heat radiating off her like she's a personal space heater. Or maybe that's just because they're enclosed in a tiny dark room; he thinks it's the first. He carefully pushes the sheet into the clear liquid, heart jumping again when Rae gently wraps her fingers around his wrist and shows him how to straighten it out. They wait patiently for a minute, watching the photo develop into life; a picture of Ronan laughing at someone in the corner of the picture, with the neck of a guitar spanning the bottom of the photo. Rae then, disappointingly, let's her fingers drop from his wrist, telling him to carefully pick up the picture. He hangs it gently like he saw her do it earlier, staring up at the photo while it drips the excess liquid down into the small little gutter.  
  
"That's Niall he's laughing at." Rae explains fondly. "When he was making up that silly little song, d'you remember?"  
  
"Of course." Louis smiles, "that was the day your camera ran out of film."  
  
"Oy, that's was horrible for me." She laughs softly, a breathy little sound that hits against Louis' neck from how close they're still stood together.  
  
"Your photos are beautiful, Raelyn." He states honestly, placing the tongs down and studies the pictures already dry.  
  
Pictures of Zayn leaning against a wall smoking a fag, of Liam smiling down at several child sat on his lap, of Harry with flowers in his hair as Olivia places them in his curls. Of all other children playing and sleeping, of nurses working hard or smiling at the camera. Of her mother and Ronan hugging, of Rae herself kissing Ronan's nose. Some photos aren't Hospice related; varies from beautiful scenery pictures to abstract, artistic images. They're all just beautiful, shot perfectly. Makes him wonder how Rae got some of the angles in the shots.  
  
Louis notices however, in these mess of pictures, his own absence in them; besides the group one of him and the boys. He frowns, wondering why there aren't any of him. He clears his throat. "Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Hmm?" Rae blinks, looking like she was just pulled from her thoughts. "Yeah."  
  
"Why- I mean, how come there aren't any pictures of-of-?  
  
"Of you?" Rae finishes softly for him, eyes downcast and teeth working her bottom lip. She inhales in a gasp, like she's preparing herself for a confession. Her fingers dance along her exposed collarbones, a habit of hers when she's nervous; Louis picked it up the second week of knowing her.  
  
"Umm...I do." She begins slowly, eyes locked on a picture of Ronan. "It's just...I have- I-" Rae braces herself, hands suddenly clenching into fists at her sides. "I sort of get into these strange like mindset when I take pictures, right? I come up with different projects and ideas and usually within those projects and ideas I kind of just like develop this like...I kind of just begin to favor a certain object, subject, I'm photographing because it just photographs so beautifully that I can't help but take several pictures of said subject and before I know it I have an impressive amount of film all dedicated to that one object...or person..." Rae trails off her rambling with a hand in the air like its help her explain. She's still not looking at Louis.  
  
It dawned on Louis halfway through her explanation, and he's trying- really he is- trying not to smiling as bright as the sun. "Are you saying, that I'm your favourite object to shoot?"  
  
Rae scoffs. "Not object, you loon."  
  
And oh, does he have her now because that was anything but a denial. "Person then. I'm your favourite person to photograph." He can't help the pure giddiness in his voice, which makes Rae rolls her eyes, still looking anywhere but Louis.  
  
"It's okay, you don't have to sound so pleased." She deadpans.  
  
Louis is quite sure he's never seen her so flustered before. If he was a photographer, he's sure Rae would be his favourite too. And despite that sappy mental thought, he tries to spin her around. "Rae," Louis pleads, reaching for her arm, "it's alright. It's cute."  
  
"It is not cute. It's a mistake because now you're going to get a big head and it just won't fit into anymore pictures." Rae shakes her head vehemently, pulling her arm away from where Louis is trying to catch it.  
  
Louis laughs. "I knew it."  
  
"Knew what?"  
  
"I'm your favouriiite, I'm your favouriiiite." Louis sings teasingly. "And you told me it was Niall."  
  
"That's not...I didn't say that. I said subject to photograph like...It's completely-" Rae steps back and bumps into the free standing rack, almost knocking over the the developed pictures.  
  
Louis clasps his hand over his mouth, attempting to not laugh. He's not seriously mocking her, far from it, it's just that that feeling in his stomach came back after her confession. Louis leans forward, helping to steady her and keeps his fingers locked around her wrist.  
  
"Raelyn," He begins quietly. "It's alright." He places his free hand on her shoulder, thumb brushing along neck and catching her pulse, thumping fast beneath his thumb.  
  
She finally looks up at him, cheeks much darker than before. If it weren't for the red light, he knows he would see the blush on her face. Her eyes flash in embarrassment for a moment, before settling back into that mask of hers. Louis' breath hitches quietly, because in the glow of the room, she is absolutely stunning. Dark hair and pale red, glowing skin so soft under his fingers. Her lips are parted ever so slightly, taking in little shaky breaths, like she is actually scared about her confession. Louis just smiles down at her. It's a soft, warm smile where he can just feel his eyes grow fond, can feel his heart start to kick up and his blood begin to pump faster.  
  
"I'm only teasing you, love." He tells her, enjoying the way she rolls her eyes at him. "It's hard not to take pictures of my beauty."  
  
Rae literally scoffs, turning to pull her arm from his hand, steps away from him completely. "Conceded."  
  
But she's smiling as she carefully picks up another blank photograph. Louis notices her hand trembling slightly, frowning in confusion. He reaches out again, lightly placing his hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Raelyn? Y'alright?" Louis questions, concerned.  
  
Rae drops the picture just shy of the developer tray. She hums what sounds like a 'yes' response, picking the photo up once more, and carefully placing it in the liquid chemical. Louis moves his hand down to hers, when the tongs she now has in her hold shake as well; clatter against the tray. He helps her move the print around the tray for a moment, then turns her around to face him.  
  
"Hey, Raelyn. It's alright, it's fine." He carefully sets two fingers on her chin, turning her head so he can see her.  
  
She offers a tentative smile in return. "M'sorry. Just...thinking is all."  
  
"Hmm. Thinking can be quite dangerous with you." Louis muses, bopping her on the nose. It a thing he does now.  
  
Scrunching up her nose, Rae replies, "It's why I come here. To think, helps clear me head a bit."  
  
"Alone?" Louis frowns again. He knows her thought process when she's left to herself.  
  
Instead of answering, she twists half her body to take the now developed photo out of the tray, then waits for a moment to place it in the stop tray. "Yep." Is her delayed answer, turning back around. "It's alright if I'm alone some times, you know I'm use to it."  
  
"I don't want you to be."  
  
Okay. Louis can do this. He can do this. Rae is so open, so trusting and so at home here, doing what she loves the most. He sees her concentration when developing the film. Sees the joy on her face when she watches the pictures burst into life in the tray, sees the passion in her eyes when it's finished and hung.  
  
"I'm not when you're here." Rae smirks up at him.

"Spotted."  
  
He brushes back some stray hairs that have fallen loose from her braid, resting his palm on the base of her jaw, his fingertips against her neck. Rae's pulse jumps again underneath his fingers, can feel her cheeks begin to heat up. Her breath catches in her throat when Louis leans in a little, his heart thundering loudly in his chest. He feels his stomach twist when his nose brushes hers.  
  
"Louis..." Rae breathes out, placing one hand on his wrist caressing her neck.  
  
With his free hand, Louis carefully traces her bottom lip with his thumb, feeling her pulse pump sporadically and pick up more speed. Rae's breathing is already ragged, and he hasn't even done anything yet.

Louis makes eye contact with her, blue eyes locked together, and murmurs a quite, "Shh, love. You're okay."  
  
Because he just _knows_ what's brewing in her head with the way her breathe begin to shorten. He's about to cross a line she probably had already thought about; the way he saw the glint of fear flash in her eyes Christmas Eve, at the Hospice. But he wants her to know it's perfectly alright, that she's not alone in what she may be feeling. Louis feels it too. He feels for her, feels the need to be her comfort and right now, the only way he can think of to calm her, is this. Louis simply holds onto her for a few moments, anchoring her like she always needs him to.  
  
One more swipe with his thumb, Louis' eyes slide shut to mentally prepare himself, then slowly, he closes the two inch distance between them. The graze of his lips against Rae's is soft, tender. The contact sends goosebumps throughout his body, and by the way Rae seems to shiver, she has them too. He carefully cradles the back of her head, fingers slipping between the loosened knots of her bride, and presses his lips a little more firmly against hers. He's tentative, slow, not wanting to make any sudden moves to startle her. Just a simple kiss for now, lips connected to lips. 

He feels warm. Like a bonfire lit in the middle of winter, during a snowstorm. Feels the flames curl their way throughout his body, hopes that warmth transfers from him to her. Hopes she feels some of that bonfire too. He hears, feels, Rae sigh, her hand on his wrist traces up to fit her fingers in between his own. It's when he moves his lips for a better angle, moves her lips with his, pulls her a little closer, does Rae react fully. He's only just synced their lips together, lasting a long moment or two, when Rae abruptly pulls away.  
  
She steps back quickly, bumping against the table hard enough to knock over the photo trays with her arm she threw behind her to catch herself. Louis watches shocked, as Rae spins around quickly.  
  
"Shit, fuck. Shit!" She cruses, the words hissing through her teeth as she scrambles to save the photo. "Louis!"  
  
"Right!" Louis jumps into attraction, straightening the trays and saving the blank prints from the seeping liquids.  
  
"Fuck! The chemicals aren't suppose to touch- oh god. _Shit_. She's gonna kill me." Rae sputters, grabbing a small towel hanging over the photo rack.  
  
Louis runs out of the room to find more towels. When he comes back, they quickly clean the mess up, focusing on the chemicals not staining the table than what just happened a minute ago.

*  
  
  
"Sorry," Rae apologizes for the umpteenth, dabbing a damp cloth at the bottom of Louis' shirt.  
  
It was only after they successfully cleaned up the chemicals and saved undeveloped photos, did Louis notice stains on his Marvel Avenger's shirt. Rae had dragged him out of the dark room, and into the small laundry room of Angelique's flat, to quickly grab a stain remover pen.  
  
"It's fine, Rae, honest." Louis assures her once again. However, he is enjoying the way she keeps biting at her lips, like she committed some horrible crime against Captain America's foot.  
  
"But it's not coming out! I ruined your shirt! I'll buy you another one, I will." Rae sulks, now vigorously rubbing at the stain. It doesn't lessen.  
  
Louis tries to hold back his laugh; she's just a little comical this way. Her eyebrows are furrowed, her lips now pouting out with the corner of her mouth pull down in an actual frown. She's murmuring little curses under her breath every five seconds. The soft snort of laughter bubbles up his throat and slips past his lips. Louis slaps his hand over his mouth, but Rae has already snapped her head up.  
  
She glares at him and halts her attempts. "You're finding this amusing, aren't you?"  
  
Louis shakes his head, but his eyes are probably crinkling at the corners.  
  
"You know what? You ask Captain America how his foot feels, and when he tells you its burning and falls off, we'll see how amusing it is then." Rae tosses the small towel on the floor. "The Avengers downfall; Louis Tomlinson the master of photo chemical spills. Loki's got nothing on you. Evil wins and it's all your fault."  
  
Louis openly laughs at that, finally moving his hand. "Says the one who originally spilled it all. Steve's foot is all mangled because of you, m'dear."  
  
Rae pokes her tongue out at him in retaliation. "I only knocked it over by accident because you-" Rae cuts herself short.  
  
Louis sobers up his amusement rather quickly when he sees something change in her eyes. She seems to lose herself for a second, as if shes replaying his kiss over and over in her head. She comes back to herself, and looks at him, really truly looks at him. Louis's stomach twists uncomfortably, because this can't be good. Or maybe it might, he doesn't know yet.  
  
Before Rae can say anything though, Louis speaks. "Rae listen. Please, just... I just wanted to-"  
  
"Kiss me?" Rae interrupts quietly. "You kissed me, Louis."  
  
"Yes. I did."  
  
"I-"  
  
She's cut off by a loud commotion towards the front door. They exchange confused looks before hurriedly making their way out of the washing room. The source of the noise turns out to be Angelique herself, coming home way too early than she's suppose to be. It's a good sort of distraction for both Louis and Rae, offering her friend to settle in while Louis goes to carry the last bag Angelique left in the boot of the cab.  
  
It's something Louis was expecting though. For Rae to be a little freaked out by his abrupt kiss. He tires not to let himself feel rejected, that's not what she was going to say, (or hopefully it wasn't). Instead, Louis allows the two girls to catch up on why she's back so early, and politely excuses himself and declines Angelique's offer to make him lunch.  
  
He says he got a text from Zayn, that needed him to be at a mandatory band meeting for upcoming events in the next two months. He counts it as a win when Rae still stands and hugs him goodbye. As he leaves, he pulls out his phone and calls for one of the boys to pick him up, gives them the address complex and waits. He licks his lips, dry from the still harsh cold air, and realizes he can taste the strawberry chapstick Rae had on hers.  
  
****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That happened.
> 
> Those pictures in this chapter are real. My friend did a photoshoot like that and I loved them. So, she asked me to be part of her project. I ended up "sleeping with the fishes", and sat in a cold ass bath tub for two hours. She entered my pic into a contest and she won. She got money and a little handmade wooden book that she gave me. Now, some weirdo has a photo of me "dead" in a bathtub with fishes........... :/
> 
> (no fishes were harmed in the making of that shoot and they were given to loving homes afterwards)


	38. That's What Crazy Is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to stop updating halfway through the story! Things got crazy with my life and future jobs and other stuff. It's all settled now, so I should hopefully update more (or even finish it).
> 
> Warning for this chapter: panics and medical issues

If the next day after the dark room incident was like any normal -or Rae's version of normal- day, maybe it would have all been find. Maybe she'd have time to actually process that Louis kissed her. Kissed her soft and sweet, held her like he's been holding her since they met; delicate yet firm. Except Ronan falls ill the day after. 

Raelyn gets a late phone call that night, her heart stopping for a few moments when she sees it's the Hospice calling. They inform her how sick Ronan is, suddenly coming down with pneumonia. When she arrives at the hospital around three in the morning, Ronan's already running a dangerously high fever, settling in around 40• Celsius. 

The universe likes to throw her family a curve ball, catching them abruptly off guard and striking out. It happens early Monday morning, when the sun itself is still sleeping. Rae spends the rest of the night at the Hospice, singing Ronan to sleep and lightly stroking her fingers along his warm forehead. She woke with a start from her usual nightmare, immediately noticing something wasn't quite right. Ronan stared at his sister, unblinking, immobile, and Rae felt her heart drop to her feet. 

"Ronan?" Rae called out cautiously, fearing the worst, getting up and leaning over her brother.

He was still breathing, she could see the raise and fall of his chest, but his eyes. His eyes were blank; like somebody just came and wiped them clean. Vacant. She calls his name again, waving her hand in front of his face with no response, not even a flutter of his eyelashes. It was then, did she notice his right arm and leg twitching, as if invisible strings were only attached to that one side. This took all of five seconds before Rae hurriedly slams her palm against the red button on the wall, requesting for a nurse, a doctor, anyone to come to the room. 

*

That was Ronan's first of many seizures. It happened again in the afternoon, that Monday night and sporadically throughout the next few days. The Doctor and nurses hook him up to and EEG, a fancy alien looking neurology device; many small metal arms attached to small wires and wrapped securely around her brothers head. It was to monitor his brain activity, to find the cause of the sudden seizures; if they're just due to his sickness or something new developed.

"Itchy. It's itchy." Ronan complains when he's in between new medication IVs. 

Rae gently grabs his hands to prevent him from rubbing them against the cap. "I know, bud. But it's helping the doctors."

Ronan just pouts, then falls asleep ten minutes later. Raelyn stays up hours after, and when she finally falls into a light sleep, she's startled awake, paranoid of missing another seizure and calling the nurses. MaryAnn shows up in the evening and tries to convince her daughter to go home and rest. Rae stays put and helps her mother when she can. She doesn't notice her scratched up, red, welting chest until her mum points it out. It's then does MaryAnn force Rae to go home, with the threat of stealing and hiding her camera. Rae only naps for three hours, ignores her mothers advice to rest and instead, takes the night shift at work with Liz. Kari shows up, explaining she had gotten a call from MaryAnn expressing her concerns for her daughter. 

"You need to go home and sleep." Kari tries, grabbing a tray of food from Rae and handing it off to Liz, who looked about ready to fight Rae for it. 

"I'm fine. I've still got to work and function." Rae replies, turning away to grab the coffee pot. She refills cups of coffee around the diner.

"Can't function on three hours, babe." Liz chides, after Rae returns the pot. "Jasper's 'bout ready to kick you out. Gonna force you to take vacation and withhold your checks."

That freezes Rae on the spot. "He can't do that....can he?"

From the back she hears her boss yell, "I can if you don't go home now!"

He means well, Rae knows that. Knows that whatever starting spark of the "secret" relationship he has with his mother makes him just as concerned. So Rae had grumbled and allowed Kari to drive her home, where she sneaks some NyQuil into Rae's tea. It knocks her out for five hours, until Rae's phone rang and she was up again.

*

It's Friday morning when a panic attack finally hits her; it has to be her worst one yet. Rae can't breathe, she literally can't catch her breath. One hand is clutching to her chest, the other squeezing at her ribs like she's trying to forcefully pump air into her own lungs. Lungs that feel like they're burning; flames engulfing each one. The spasms in her chest just add fuel to the raging fire and all she wants to do is just _breathe_. 

When Ronan's breathing cut short, it's like he took hers with him. Like all the air in her lungs are supplying the oxygen mask he's currently got on. The green rubber band wrapped around the back of his head to hold it in place, the new heart monitors stuck to his bare chest, new IVs embedded in his arms. Doctor Ramsy informed her that Ronan's regular chemotherapy was no longer working for him; that his body began to build up a tolerance for it. Instead, they're switching him to another form of chemo treatment. 

It's all well, Rae tries telling herself as she's gasping for air. Those wires and IVS and lines are for precaution only, so why can't she breathe properly. A passing nurse notices her, makes her sit and bend over her legs, helps to open up her chest a bit. She works Rae down into a calm that's not anywhere near what a certain person can bring her to when he's there. But Rae will take what she can get at the moment. The aftermath leaves her a bit shaky, and she thanks the nurse for helping her.

***

 

Louis finds out that Friday. All week his texts to Rae have been ignored, except for that vague one informing him something new happened to Ronan. He can't seem to get away from meetings and early rehearsals for TV appearances and the threat of their new tour just around the corner. He was worried about her reaction to his kiss, but this is different. Something isn't right on her side, and all he wants to do is leave this boring, redundant, pointless meeting and get to the Hospice.

When the meeting finally ends, (how many times do they have to be told not go out with security during the tour) he expresses his concerns to Harry once back at their flat. Harry is playing with the kitten Louis picked up that one day a while back, wonders if maybe Rae will warm up to the cat now that he's not offering it to her. A soft hiss brings him out of his thoughts, raising a curious eyebrow at Harry, who's sucking on the back of his hand.

"Claws of death." Harry mumbles as an explanation. Then gently swats at the cat's nose, who pounces on the free hand.

"I think something's wrong with Raelyn." Louis voices, prying the kitten from Harry's wrist.

"Besides you kissing her?" He questions teasingly.

Louis shakes his head seriously. "S'more than that. It's different. I don't think Ronan is doing well."

That catches Harry's full attention, brows furrowing, and goes to sit next to Louis from his position on the floor. "Lou?" He prompts.

"Come with me, please?" Louis asks, "I know she's there. She's possibly alone too."

Harry nods. "Want me to ring the others?"

After a moments thought, Louis declines that offer. It's a good thing he does, because once they both get on the main road they notice a car that seems to be following them. The paranoia Louis feels fades away when he has to focus on the road in front of him, and Harry gets distracted texting Rae that they're coming. So the suspicious car gets put on the back burner of their minds.

They reach the hospital in time to find Rae bent over her thighs, on a chair in one of the sitting areas, just three doors down from Ronan's room. Before Louis can take another step, he's yanked back half a step. He can feel tugging at the backpack he's wearing, feel Harry plunge his hand in the small pocket. Then Harry is passing by him, rushing over to Rae. Louis watches as he rubs a gentle hand up and down her back, whispering into her. When Rae picks her head up, Harry hands her his inhaler, which prompts a bark of laughter out of her; something she probably desperately needs. She pulls Harry into an awkward looking side arm hug, squeezing as tight as she can with an arm hooked over his shoulders. Louis just looks on fondly, smiling to himself when Harry pulls her up for a proper hug. He's still mumbling things into her, Rae nodding into his chest, Louis is stood just far enough away that he can't hear. When they finally release their hold after Harry gives a kiss on her temple, he nudges Raelyn towards Louis, to which she shoots him her mini-candle flame glare.

Louis shrugs off his backpack, dropping it on the floor and opening his arms for her. Tentatively, Rae smiles at him, then fits herself quite nicely against his chest. She looks calm, but Louis can feel how her chest stutters slightly with her breathing when he wraps his arms around her. Her fingertips dig into his shoulder blades, her face hidden against his neck, feels her exhale in warm puffs of air. He trails one hand up her spine, grazing his fingers over the back of her neck, and resting them deep in her hair. They stand like that for a while, so long that Louis sees Harry sneak pass them, but he doesn't mind. He'll hold her as long as she needs it. He doesn't know the extent of what's happening, but he'll do anything for her, even if it means to stand to the point of feeling his legs grow numb. 

Rae slowly breaks their hug, pulling back, but just far enough so there's only a small amount of space between their chest, arms still wrapped around each other. Louis looks down at her, reads her eyes, those eyes so much like a kaleidoscope with only shades of blues and greens, with a glitter of gold. He sees worry, anxiousness, fear. He wants to kiss those all away, replace them with hope and faith and love and anything else that defines happiness. Wants to lean down just a few inches to press his lips against hers, a little chapped at the bottom like she's been nibbling it from worry. Wants to promise her things he isn't sure he can make, isn't sure he can actually keep; doesn't want to break her heart with unkempt promises. He does however, lean down until his forehead rests against hers, moves his fingers from her hair to caress her face and feels the corner of her lip pull up into a ghostly smile.

"Hi." Rae whispers, staring up at him despite how its beginning to strain their eyes.

Louis chuckles in his throat, swiping his thumb across her lips. "Hello."

He's about to just go for it, just close those three inches and kiss her, when he hears a shutter sound. At first, he thinks nothing of it, so used to now being around Rae with her camera, snapping photos of things at random things. But Rae's arms are currently wrapped around his wasit, and she's giving him a confused frown. Harry's been missing for the past few minutes, and no one else is around, at least he thinks. Reluctantly, he pulls away from her, scanning the hallway around them, and only finding a nurse at the station on the phone.

"Curious." Rae says. Louis nods, suddenly remembering that car following them. His suspicions can't be correct; it's hard to just sneak pass any of the front desks at the Hospice. Instead, Louis turns back to Raelyn.

"What's been going on, Rae?" He asks, finally giving his legs a break and plopping down onto one of the yellow chairs.

Rae follows, but drops her face in her hands and sighs deeply. She explains Ronan's sudden sickness, the seizures that were caused by his high fever from pneumonia. How his already weakened immune system is continuing to grow weaker, and she just isn't sure anymore. Says it's hard to watch her mum begin to fall apart all over again, and Rae confesses she feels trapped in a corner.

"He's got this horrible cough, Louis." She explains grimly, "It's cackling and deep, and he isn't eating because it makes his stomach hurt. And, I don't know, Lou. I feel so tense, like everything is building up inside. Like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." She shrugs. 

She seems frustrated, annoyed, tired. Louis sees how tightly buttoned up her shirt is, hiding away her chest. He doesn't need to ask to know, he just wants to know how bad it looks. "He's a strong little boy, Rae. Has been for years," He begins. "He's going to be fine."

"I'm not so sure if I believe that anymore." Rae admits, twisting her hands together furiously, until Louis grabs hold of them, tangling their fingers together.

"None of that, love." Louis reprimands firmly. "It's not the time for anyone to give up on him, especially you."

Raelyn is quiet for moment before she suddenly becomes agitated. "I'm not!" She states fiercely, like she's angry at herself, or him, for even thinking it. "I'm not the one who gave up on him. I have never given up on him and I never will. I'm not like _him_. Ever."

Louis is shocked, no idea where her anger abruptly came from. "Erm...like who?" Because that seems like a perfectly safe question to ask during this time. His sarcasm in his mind should be shared only at the proper time.

" _My father_." She spits out, like a bad taste in her mouth.

Louis has never heard such venom in Rae's voice than he does at the moment. It's the first time she's actually mentioned anything about her father, and his thoughts go back to that time he nearly opened that plain black box. How angry Rae had gotten, a black fire in her eyes, misplaced at him, like now. Before Louis can say anything, maybe try to calm her again, bring down her anger and sizzle out that fire that seems to never touch her mock glares she sends to people, there's a loud shout from one of the rooms to their left.

Both Louis and Rae look over, Rae's grip tightening around his hand when she realizes it came from Ronan's room. It happens quickly; the door swings open, bouncing off the wall once, then a man with dark hair and beard is being shoved out, an angry Harry following him, and MaryAnn after. She looks livid, absolutely furious and if it weren't for Harry hissing words at the man, Louis is sure Rae's mother would tear him one. Louis sees the bulky, professional camera, and before he can do anything, the man points at Louis.

"Well, he so kindly tipped me off." The paparazzo accuses. "Allowed me to follow him here, quite easy really. Thought he wanted to me too." 

If Rae wasn't already so ticked off, maybe she would have realized what utter bullshit that is. But Rae rips her hand out of Louis and stands up, shoots Louis a look that he's pretty sure just stole his soul, and makes a beeline towards the man. The nurse at the station has been on the phone since the door slammed opened, calling for backup, but there won't be any need if Rae gets to the man first.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" She all but screams, trying to reach for the man.

Harry grabs her by the waist and pulls her back a bit, while MaryAnn quickly closes Ronan's door. Louis gets the feeling back in his legs and springs up to help Harry. Rae notices and moves away from him, more towards the pap and into Harry's restraint. He ignores the sting of that, because really, she would rather believe this sleezey man than him? He wants to scream at the man, tell him off, maybe smash his camera to the ground, however Rae and her mother seem to doing a fine job on their own. 

At one point, Rae makes a grab for the expensive camera, barely getting her fingers on the strap and yanks. The camera stumbles out of the man's hands, there's a split moment time freeze when it looks like it's going to hit the tile floor, the lens of the camera halts an inch away, swinging dangerously close to the ground. The strap is clutched tightly in Rae's fist, Louis realizes, and thanks whatever stopped her from smashing it. They don't need a lawsuit, given that the paparazzo would spin it that way.

"This is a lovely camera. Always wanted one for meself, think I should keep it, yeah?" Rae taunts, pulling the camera back when he tries to grab it. Finally, at least four security men show up, forcing their way in between Rae and the man.

"I could sue you." He threatens her, narrowing his dark eyes. He allows one of the policemen to pull him back further.

Rae laughs, a heartless chuckle that doesn't fit anything about her. "You broke in to a Children's hospital, violated several rules, I'm sure, invaded the privacy of a child, and put him at a health risk! But, please sir, be my guest."

Pappo snarls at her, opens his mouth to respond when Rae cuts him off.

"Oh, and get a proper job, you piece of shit." Rae scolds, acid dripping from her voice, and Louis has to hide his smile behind his hand at those familiar words. "They're humans. People with lives and feelings and just because they're more known than others doesn't give you the right to follow them around like an animal at a zoo!"

Harry has to pull Rae back again when she goes to step closer to the man. Tightens his arms around her waist, but he looks like he's just wants to release her on him. It seems to be over, the verbal shouts and cruses, and Louis is about to test if he can even touch Rae right now. Then the Pap open his mouth once more, halfway down the hallway.

"Had to see if the kid was really dying. Never know with all these fake celebrities. Lying about good deeds just for more sales. Shitty charity work and all. _He_ lead me straight to you, doll." He smiles, sickeningly sweet.

Louis finally cracks at that, can't stand the insults and insane accusations this guy is coming up with. So he marches right up to him, and gets in his face. He ignores Harry's warning of his name.

" _Fuck off_." Louis snarls at him, "If I ever see you, or your shitty friends around here or her family again, I will personally make you wish you've never been born in this country. Come near them again, and I will make your life a living hell."

After the man is escorted out by three policemen, Louis turns to the family behind him. MaryAnn is telling off the nurse at the desk, the poor woman only being the messenger for the front desk instead. Harry takes the camera still clutched in Rae's hand away from her as she's yelling at one of the Hospice Guards, looking like he just wants to smash it too. Instead, because he's Harry, and Louis swears to this day his mate doesn't have a single mean bone in his body, he hands it off to the other guard. From there it just seems to get worse. 

Despite having moved back into Ronan's room after the guards leave, Doctor Ramsy shows up with an RN, both being informed of the situation. The RN, Lisa, checks on Ronan's vitals, then Ramsy makes the decision to cut Ronan's visiting hours short, only allowing one visitor at a time. Tensions settles over the room, and as MaryAnn says goodbye to Ronan for the night, not something taken lightly, Ronan is confused. With his wide confused eyes, cries for his mummy and sissy because he was scared and don't know what had happened. At the moment, all four of them are being pushed out of the room, so the RN and Ramsy can continue to take his vitals.

MaryAnn goes off to the already skiddish nurse and demands to speak with the Hospital Manager. Meanwhile, Louis had been carefully watching Rae the whole time. Watching her seethe silently; hasn't spoken a word since she stopped yelling at the guards. Harry is cautiously trying to pull her out of her tense stance, gently rubbing at her shoulder, when she snaps.

" _You_." Rae grits through her teeth, pointing at Louis. "Out."

"I'm sorry?" Louis asks confused, his chest starting to constrict. Harry looks between them, biting his lip in anticipation.

"Out. Leave. I don't want you here anymore."

"Raelyn-" Harry starts, but Louis cuts him off.

"You can't honestly believe what he said, Rae!" Louis is suddenly angry as well. Because of course the pap wanted to twist this around on him. "Harry was with me the whole time. We were followed here, we didn't know!"

"Bullshit! It's happened before. What's stopping them from coming again?" Rae questions angrily. "Ronan cannot, can _not_ , have this right now, Louis. He can't- the stress will make it worse."

Louis sees it again, a flicker of fear behind the icy fire. He inhales, closing his eyes and counting to five. He knows now, knows that as angry as she seems to be toward him, it's not actually at him. 

"Rae, love." Harry tries again, sincerity in his voice. "We would honestly never want that to happen again. We want Ronan to get better, but you have to believe us. Louis didn't intentionally lead him here. Everything he said was a lie. I know you know that."

Louis opens his eyes to see Rae's arms crossed around her stomach drop. Like Harry's just making her fury melt away, he's good at that. But her Rae is still tense, and her eyes are just beginning to soften around the corners. Though she continues to visibly relax as Harry goes on.

"We understand if you don't want us here anymore-"

"I never said you, Harry." Rae mumbles.

Harry tries not to smile, while Louis tries not to bite the inside of his cheek. "We completely understand if you want us to stop coming. You're right. We don't know if it'll happen again, but if taking a step back is what you need, Ronan needs, what this whole place needs, then we'll gladly do it. The only important thing are the children here."

Rae nods, eyes Louis when he takes a step closer, but not out of spite. He'll take his soul back now if he can. Harry is so good at disputing people's anger, and while he coaches Rae out of hers, a hand lands on Louis' shoulder. He turns and sees MaryAnn smiling apologetically at him, then motions for him to follow her. She leads the way down the hall, through the double doors and out to the sitting area right next to the ward. She asks if him and Harry could take Rae home, if not home, at least out of the Hospice for a while. Just to give her daughter an actual break, and not have her go into work. Louis agrees. It takes a few minute of coaxing on Harry's part to convince Rae to leave with then, but she does. 

***

 

After what seems like a longer drive than usual, Rae "accidentally" tossing her bag into the back that lands a little too precisely on Louis' gut, Harry pulls into their complex. Rae gets settled on the floor of the living room, finding a fake toy mouse on the ground, while Harry starts preparing lunch. The kitten trots up with Rae on the floor, spotting her playing with the toy, and tries to swat at it with her paw. The more the cat attempts to catch the toy, pouncing and flicking her tail, the more a slow beings to spread across Rae's lips. 

"Y'know," Louis muses after a minute. "For someone who seems to hate cats, you sure don't mind this one." 

Rae's hand stops moving the toy, allowing the cat to catch it. She narrows her eyes at him, dropping her eyes to the kitten chewing on the toy. She gently pulls it free from her paws, then leads the mouse up Louis' shin to his knee. The cat follows, using her claws to climb up his leg, successfully digging her claws in his skin as well. Louis hisses from the sharp pain, grabbing the kitten around her stomach and holding her to his chest. That was deliberate, and Rae is still mad at him for something he didn't do and had no control over.

"That wasn't very nice of her was it, Banana?" Louis says to the kitten.

Rae snorts. She tosses the mouse at Louis' head. "What kind of name is Banana for a cat, anyway? She's not even the proper colour."

"Only joking. Her name's Pepper."

"Like Pepper Potts?"

Louis smiles brightly at Rae, and finally, she returns his smile. He sets Pepper down on his knee, who sits there for a moment, before hopping down to curl up in Rae's lap. "Exactly like Pepper Potts."

Rae scratches behind Pepper's ear, the kitten purring contently. "M'sorry Louis."

He slips off the couch to sit next to her, pressing his knee against hers. She doesn't pull away. "Oh, come off it, love. Why are you apologizing? It's my fault-" Louis starts. 

"No it's not. I should know that. I'm so sorry I believed him for a second. It was just...I'm just..." She waves her hand in the air for lack of better explanation.

Louis gently places his finger under her chin, lifting her head to make eye contact with him. Her eyes say it all, even the colour is off, a dark grey instead of the usual blue. Like the ever ominous thundercloud lingering over her is getting closer. Much closer than anyone would like it too. The fear is still there, the uncertainty, the frustration, the lack of hope. The last one more prominent than any other emotion he can see.

"Ronan will be fine." Louis tells her. "You have to believe that. No, Raelyn. You have too. You can't give up on him."

Raelyn started to shake her head while he talked. Her hand coming up to press against her chest. Louis captures her wrist with his free hand. Twists their fingers together until they're entwined and holds tight. Grips her knuckles; anchors her as best he can.

"I don't want too." She murmurs, returning his hard grip with her own. "Louis."

"I know. It's alright." He reassures.

Because despite him trying to make her believe, there's always to be that fear in her heart. So he leans forward until his lips are grazing hers. Rae's breath hitches a little, caught in her throat, and Louis just hopes she won't react like she did in the dark room. Rae's eyes slip shut, and presses her lips against his instead. Louis makes a startled little sound, wasn't expecting her to make that move. He retaliates, pressing more firmly against her, slipping her hand around to cup her jaw, carefully moves his lips with hers. He can't help his smile though, and can feel Rae smile too.

He moves to pull away, possibly to just let out the chuckle that's sitting in his chest, but Rae's other hand comes up and grips his shirt. Keeps him there, and suddenly, the smiles are gone and the light mood shifts to much heavier. Like Rae suddenly released all she's been feeling the past week; like this is the only way to assure that at least something will be good, will turn out fine. The kiss feels like tears, tears she can't cry, and Louis lets her hand go to wrap his arm around her waist to hold her. Pulls her closer to give her any kind of comfort she needs right now...and forgets the cat in her lap.

Pepper startles, meowing in disdain about her spot having been shifted. Louis and Rae break apart when Pepper swats at his arm, both laughing breathlessly. Rae picks her up and places her on the couch behind him, the same time Harry waltzes in the room. Three plates of food balanced on his arms, carefully setting them down on the coffee table. He puts his hands on his hips and stares down at them.

"About time." Harry starts, playfully scolding them. "Kissing over the food table is just unsanitary. I am so disappointment." He shakes his finger in the air.

"Shove off!" Louis laughs, attempting to kick him in the shin.

"Be nice, Lou. You're in the presence of a lovely lady." Harry winks at Rae.

"I swear." Rae mutters. She throws the toy mouse at Harry's chest, who laughs, and doesn't stop laughing all through lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be onto the next! (chapter....but name that song!)


	39. Let It Go...You'll Never See Me Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See, another chapter! Whoo!
> 
> *usual warnings*

A week later, Raelyn finds herself sitting outside of Ronan's room on the floor, knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped tightly around her shins. She ignores the strange looks other visitors give her, dismisses the sweet nurses that offer to get her anything she needs. All she needs, all she wants, is for her brother to heal. Abruptly, a sharp pain shoots through her chest, muscles clenching, spasms, automatically releasing the firm grip her right hand has on her left forearm, bringing the palm of her hand to her chest plate. She presses down hard, as if this time it will actually stop the feeling.

Rae knows she should be use to the feeling already, it's been four long years, she's frustrated with herself that it still affects her the way it does. Nothing has changed about it, despite the amount of the pain increasing. It's the same tightening around her heart, almost as if the pumping muscle itself is claustrophobic, screaming for releasing, for air, for _something_. It seems to be getting worse, the pain, each day Ronan is still lying in that bed.

She still struggles with it, the panic attacks, the anxiety. It feels like she's drowning some times, being dragged down by the thing that haunts her nightmares, fighting for air, lungs burning for oxygen. Other times it's like her body constricts inward. Like a internal snake is nesting in her chest, weaves it's scaly body in between her ribs, around her lungs, coils over her heart. She was never chronic to panic attacks before. Never happened until she forced herself to suck up her tears, keep them in and bottled up, because crying about this, about Ronan isn't doing him any good. It doesn't help him, doesn't heal him. Tears are useless to her mother, to her job, to the other families around her. She feels like she has to be strong for everyone in the hospice, at least on the same floor. Has to be the strongest for her small family. She needs to be the hero Ronan sometimes think she is.

So Rae doesn't cry, not anymore, thanks to her father, but all because crying doesn't make her strong. When she starts to feel it begin to bubble in her chest, that's when the pain starts. The clenching of her chest causes her to want to try and rip out her heart just so she doesn't have to feel it anymore. She never thought that the absence of her tears would be physically painful. At times, Rae thinks her dried up tears, fuel and power the metaphorical sauna she's trapped in; steam fills up her lungs, overheats and suffocates her.

Vaguely she thinks in the back of her mind, the option of seeing a psychologist again like she began to that first year. Then she remembers why she had to stop going, and pick up extra shifts at Japser's just to pay for house bills. However, the attacks had been slowing down, and Rae knows the main reason why. Never before did she have someone to help her through it like she does now. Someone to throw her a lifeline, pull her to the waters surface, anchors her on the solid ground. To unwind the curling snake around her heart, to break open the sauna door. To let her breathe, gives her air to do so; to calm her, and all she can see is blue eyes among the shades of gray of her metaphors. Although the past week suddenly begs to differ, to prove her wrong, that maybe there isn't a beautiful, kind boy with those same blue eyes to help her through it. She knows why, why she's been trying to stop the clenching in her chest, why her breath cuts off. Ronan doesn't seem to be progressing. 

 

The first time Raelyn was forced out of his room was just after his chemotherapy session. Ronan suddenly passed out mid treatment, vitals dropping dangerously low. Rae called out to the nurses, standing back and allowing them to try to stabilize her brother, frozen in her spot. She didn't realize how hard she had dug her nails into her chest, not until she got home that night and noticed scaly imprints from her fingernails. It continued like that throughout the week, ups and downs, and heart stopping moments. The last chemo session was the worst, left Ronan to pass out yet again, only this time after, Ronan could hardly walk on his own. His small legs wobbled horribly, then gave out, nearly crashing to the floor before Rae caught him.

It was another Friday afternoon the second time it happened, Raelyn sat on the still notorious shocking chair in the playroom, snapping pictures. Zayn and Niall next to her attempted to steal her camera and take selfies with a twelve year old patient. Harry sat with Olivia, who deemed it okay for him to have fake little flowers in his curly hair. Ronan had been off playing and building legos with Liam and Louis on the other side of the room. Ronan had gone to stand up to get another bucket of the small lego pieces, carrying them back over, with Liam's help.

Abruptly, Ronan swayed, dropping the bucket, his knees giving out again. Ronan had quickly reached out, his small fist clutching tightly to the hem of Liam's shirt. Liam acted quickly, scooping up the small boy into his arms, hoping he was fast enough for his falter to go unnoticed by his sister. It didn't. Rae snapped her attention over to them the moment she heard the cluttering of the legos, watched as Liam caught her brother and tried to play it off. Louis began picking up the legos, shot a look at Zayn and Niall, to which they both started to distract her. Rae wasn't stupid. She knew what they tried to do. To humor them, she just gave them a smile, pushing down her panic until later, silently thanking Liam for catching her brother. 

 

Rae forces herself back to the present, chewing on her bottom lip. It's not like she's in denial with the worsening condition of her baby brother. It's just that the past week has been nothing but panic attacks, one even coming from her mother; which had been hard to watch and hard to calm her down. She was exhausted, and the constant pain in her chest was becoming annoying and unavoidable if she kept thinking about it. So she started to do what she had done with her tears; she held back. Forced her emotions down, tried cutting them off to be stronger for Ronan, for her mother. If MaryAnn doesn't see Rae panic, then in return, it gives her mother a sense to hope. It keeps Ronan calm when Rae sounds sure, confident. So maybe she's not quite in denial about her brother, but she is denying her own emotions for it. She can just take on everyone else's if she has too. If she has to be strong for them, though maybe she doesn't notice how short her fuse is becoming.

Recently, a new doctor came on Ronan's case, a pessimistic asshole if she ever met one. He spews nothing but darkness and hopelessness and that is not something her mum nor four year old brother needs to hear. She gets angry when he comes in for a minute to see Ronan, suggest something they've already tried and didn't work, then leaves again, not bothering to take his storm cloud with him. She hates him. Doesn't think he deserves to see Ronan anymore.

"Raelyn?" At the mention of her name, Rae snaps out of her reverie, looking up at Doctor Ramsy somber face, Doctor Asshole with him. She immediately stands up, pushing way the ball of panic beginning to form in her stomach.

"He's stable, for now. Probably won't last very long." Dr. Asshole informs. "However-"

Rae bites the inside of her cheek to hold back her insults.

"I think we should take a new approach in his treatment." Dr. Ramsy inputs quickly. He knows her well enough to know when she doesn't like a doctor.

"What," Rae speaks slowly, "does that mean?"

"We'll try a higher dose of chemo-"

"What!?" Rae interrupts. "Why? He's not doing well with this treatment now, what makes you think he'll do better with the next one?"

"Raelyn, it's just an experiential trail-"

"Experiential!? He's a four year old child with cancer! You shouldn't be experimenting any trails on him!"

"Please calm down, Raelyn." Dr. Ramsy holds up his hands, warning her softly. "I don't want to have to ask you to leave."

Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she swallows her anger. "Can I see him, please?" She asks through gritted teeth, opening her eyes.

Asshole speaks up. "That isn't a good idea."

"It's just his immune system is weak at the moment, Rae." Ramsy informs her.

Rae nods curtly, peering around the man in the white coat, trying to catch a glimpse of her brother. The blinds are shut tightly, blocking out any prying eyes. That annoys her for unknown reasons. She understands he could get sick easier, but to not even let a family member in sparks a new fuse. She doesn't expect to hear his voice behind her, especially not on a Tuesday evening. Something starts snapping inside her, causes her anger to boil back up. Maybe it because she's finally cracking, finally allowing herself to lash out with all the emotions she had been bottling, and anyone within fifty feet of her would be the poor, unsuspecting, innocent bystander to feel the backlash of it all. And that poor unsuspecting, innocent, bloody bystander is none other than the one person who is helping her through it all; Louis.

"Is everything alright?" Louis asks, coming to a stop next to her. "Raelyn?" There's an underlining of concern laced in his voice, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Everything is fine. Bloody brilliant, in fact." She snaps at Louis, jerkily shrugging off his hand. She ignore the shocked, nearly hurt look on his face. "Now if you'll excuse me. I have to do an experimental photoshoot deciding whether a fish can survive without water."

With that, she snatches up her bag from the floor and squeezes between the two doctors, stalking angrily down the hall. 

*

 

The beige doors of the lift has only a foot left to close, and Rae thinks she'll be alone in the lift, before a tattooed forearm shoved its way between the doors, forcing them to retract. Rae curses inwardly. She's angry, barely holding it together, can feel herself shaking, fists trembling in an effort to try to push it all back again.

"What the bloody hell was that!?" Louis demands, stepping onto the lift. He slams his palm against the button that shuts the doors, stopping any escape plan Rae might have had.

Rae presses herself into the corner, looking down at her navy blue toms. There's a rip by her pinkie toe and if she focuses on that, maybe he'll just leave her be. Louis doesn't push for an answer, or makes another sound until the lift reaches the bottom floor. He doesn't speak until they're halfway through the car park, two rows away from her car. 

"Rae? Talk to me, please?" Louis ask softly, cautiously.

Rae tires, she honestly tries to hold it all back, but suddenly, she just doesn't want to anymore. It's like she really, really needs, and wants to lash out at someone. But doesn't she have the right to snap, to let go, to be as angry as she is? Doesn't she deserve to feel the way it boils her blood, and rises up from the pit of her stomach to her aching chest until it's spilling from her mouth like fiery word vomit? She's just _angry_. So angry, and exhausted, and stressed and unfortunately, Louis is the only one around. Probably the only one who won't exactly reprimand her for it.

"I don't want to talk to you!" Rae yells, whirling around to face him. She knows she'll probably regret this, probably ruin whatever was just beginning between them, but she just can't stop. "I don't want to talk to anyone! I'm so tired of this. I'm done, Louis. I don't want to feel like this anymore!"

"Feel-feel like what?" Louis quietly encourages, as if she yells at him all the time. Like he was _expecting_ it.

"Like there's any chance of hope left!" She drops her bag to the pavement- Louis winces- both hoping for a moment the smack wasn't the sound of her camera breaking.

"Raelyn, you should still have hope-"

"No! No I don't. Have you seen him in there, Louis? I know you've seen how bad he's gotten. He isn't getting better, don't patronize me into thinking there's still any ounce of hope left because there isn't. I've been hoping and wishing and praying for four years and where has that gotten him? He can't fucking walk, Louis! So don't tell me I still have to have hope, faith, what ever the fuck I should have. They're doctors for Christ sake, and they can't do a damn thing! Remember those twins, Louis, remember them? They were given a new experimental treatment for chemo, the same one they want to put Ronan on. They died in their parents arms two weeks later. I don't want that- I don't- Ronan can't died- he can't. Not in m-my arms."

Rae hears her voice shake, starts to feel everything catch up to her, feels the hot prickling of a panic attack in her stomach. Louis steps forward, cautiously, reaching out a hand, but Rae takes another step back. She inhales a deep shuddering breath, and continues on, ignoring the clenching in her chest, the way her breath begins to shorten.

"I hate it. I hate feeling like this. Like I can't do anything but hope. It just doesn't work. Hope didn't bring my father back to us. Hope didn't make our finical situation better, we're struggling to the point of where you all gave us money. I hate the way this all makes me feel. I hate not crying, because it hurts. I hate that it hurts, hate feeling like I'm weak. I hate faking smiles to my brother and lying to people telling them it's fine. I hate the way people look at mum and I, like we're going to crack any minute.

"I hate that the only one I can turn to is you. I hate how you make me feel safe. Like it's perfectly okay if I let it go. I hate how you got me to open up. I hate the way you make me feel because I can't handle that right now. I can't handle the way my stomach screams when you're around me. I hate that you try make me laugh when I all want to do is the opposite! I hate that you keep kissing me, because you somehow just make it all better. Hate it because I don't know how to do that for myself, or for Ronan, for my mum. I hate when you're all away, when you have to go and do your actual job, and I can't do anything but sit alone wondering if that day will be the day Ronan dies, because then I'll be alone. I've always hated being alone and I hate trying to ignoring it all!"

Louis blinks, once, twice, mouth slightly open in shock. He just stares openly at her, like he's a deer caught in her headlights. She doesn't like it. Rae finally gives in to herself, hand flying to her heaving chest, nails digging into skin through her shirt. She hunches over a little, attempting to catch her breath, calm herself before she feels like the cars in the lot are closing in on her. She can't remember how to count.

Louis slowly closes his mouth. "So don't." He finally speaks, slowly, quietly.

"I- what?" Rae asks, a mixture of confused anger.

"Don't ignore it." Louis shrugs. "You can't keep doing that, love. You can't just ignore and push everything you're feeling behind a wall. Eventually you get this." Louis gestures the length of her now trembling body. "A scary version of yourself, that quite frankly makes me want to run and hide because I'm pretty damn sure fire is about to shoot from your eyes." Rae snorts, rolling her eyes. Apparently that's a reaction he was looking for, so Louis take another step forward. Rae stays put.

"Don't ignore how any of it makes you feel. Letting go isn't weakness, Raelyn. Nothing about you is weak. It's alright to feel everything. It's okay to do, well...this. You needed to get it out. It's not healthy to hold it all in. Jesus Christ." Louis shoves his fingers through his hair, knocking off the beanie he's wearing, clutching it in his hand. "How long have you been doing that? A long time, by the looks of you."

Rae can't focus on him anymore, just like she can no longer breathe properly. She fully bends over now, one hand on her knee, head dropped between her shoulders. Suddenly she doesn't who might die anymore, her brother or her. She currently can't breathe, cant get her lungs to work, so maybe it's her. Something touches her back, starts rubbing up and down while a voice, Louis' voice she can hear clearly, coaches her in her ear.

"You know how to breath, darling." He's saying gently, "in for two..."

So she follows his instructions, can breath easier when she gets to eight, can inhale deeply at ten. Feeling like she's no longer suffocating, she straightens up, top teeth biting into her bottom lip. She didn't notice Louis captured her hand assaulting her chest until he releases it, only to place his thumb on her lip, gently pulling it away from her teeth. There's a few drops of blood on his thumb that he frowns at, before wiping it away on his jeans. Rae licks her lip, copper bitter on her tongue.

"You're perfectly in the right to feel all of this." Louis begins, lowering his voice, just above a whisper. "You are so, so strong for Ronan. He loves you so much Rae. He would hate to see you so mad...sad...smad."

Rae makes a noise between a one syllable laugh and scoff. It makes the corners of Louis mouth turn up. He hooks his index finger beneath her chin, keeping her gaze locked on his. Rae's heart stutters for a moment, can't tell if its good or bad.

"As for me..." Louis trails off, a strange look clouding over in his blue eyes. Oh no. Bad. Bad, very bad once Rae remembers how her rant took a turn directed at him. She made it seem like she hates him. She has everything else but hate for him. "Don't worry about it." 

Rae blinks. What. "What?"

Louis shrugs, drops his hand away and takes a step back. "Just let me know if I'm getting to be a pain in your arse, and I'll send Zayn in to save you."

"Lou...Louis no. That's not what I-" Rae cuts herself off. She couldn't have already ruined what they hardly have. "You aren't. A pain. Far, far from it, Louis. Sorry." She stumbling all over herself, but the way Louis is looking at her makes her think he doesn't believe she hates him. She was to make sure though. 

"I don't hate anything you've done for me." She confesses. "Complete- complete opposite really. That was just...please."

Louis just opens his arms for her, smiling softly, like he just understands. Like he's always been able to understand her no matter what. So she goes willingly into his arms, squeezes her own tight around his waist, and buries her face into his chest. She listens to his heartbeat, sounding like it's beating a little faster than normal, doesn't know if it's from her yelling at him or just holding her. She lets the rhythmic beating of his heart calm her for a few moments, before squeezing her eyes shut coming to terms with herself.

"I'm so scared, Louis." Rae confesses quietly. So quiet, she isn't even sure if he heard her, voice muffled by his shirt.

He seems to, for he just holds her closer, and presses his lips to her forehead. He places his beanie atop her head. "I know, love." Louis whispers. "I've got you, Rae. It's alright."

Rae just holds tights, holds on tight to everything Louis offers her. Holds on until it slowly begins to rain, water drops falling around them, begins to soak into their clothes. Holds on because that's the only thing she can do for now.

***


	40. All the Voice In My Head...Turn Into Photographs

There's this one small moment in a photographers dark room, a moment when the blank photograph sits in the developer tray. That moment when the photo begins to develop, just cloudy enough, blurry enough to not yet anyone know what the picture is of, before it blooms into a clear image. Black spaces and grey fog surrounds the photo, like it surrounds Rae's mind. It's strange, feeling like that moment of the photo while she just stands there, in an empty room, squinting through the fog to see who's calling her name. It's quiet all around when the voice stops, she could hear a pin drop if she had one to drop, before it starts again. It keeps calling her, a youthful, chipper voice, beckoning to her, wonders where she is. She doesn't know that answer for herself. Then she takes a small step forward, blinks, and suddenly everything blooms around her; like the moment after the photo finishes. 

Rae's standing in Ronan's hospice room, next to his bed, blinking in confusion. He's there, holding her hands smiling up at her, bright like the sun. It's clear that her brother was the one shouting her name over and over, from the way he's tugging on her hands. She smiles back at him, watches as he pulls himself up, using the leverage he has with his sister's hands, and falls into her arms. He squeezes his arms as tight as he can around her waist, giggling.

"You went away, Ra-Ra." Ronan says into her stomach. She can feel his breath, warm puffs of air seeping through her shirt.

"Never, Bud." Rae promises, still confused on how she drifted off like that in the first place. She wraps her arms around her brother, holding him close.

"Stay."

"Always."

There's a long pause of silence, a curious drop in the temperature around them, cold settling in on her skin. Goose pimples erupting on their arms when Rae looks down, and Ronan is shivering in her arms. Ronan turns his head to look up at her, his chin digging into her ribs, blue eyes like frosted ice. An ominous presence comes over the room and whatever her brother is about to say when he opens his mouth, she has a bad feeling about.

"But I will." He whispers hauntingly.

"W-what?" Rae stutters, utterly perplexed. "You will what? What are you saying, sweetheart?"

The room just keeps getting colder, and now Rae is starting to tremble from it, before she realizes Ronan is the one turning colder. Like the blue ice in his eyes is freezing him from the inside out. She hugs him close, trying to transfer whatever body heat she has left onto him. Ronan widens his eyes, big and every bit of the innocent child that he is.

"I am going away." Ronan tells her, still speaking like it's a secret. "Far, far away."

Fear clenches Rae's heart, makes her stomach swoop sickeningly. "Ro-"

Raelyn cuts herself off when she notices shadows dancing on the wall behind her brother. Realizes too late that they're snaking around Ronan's legs, coiling up around his small body. Rae holds on tighter, attempting to lean back and pull him free of the shadows, but they just pull back. This can't happen again, not with her physically in the room this time. She refuses to let this shadow take her brother away, so she fights back, pulling and tugging, with Ronan whimpering in her arms.

"I've got you, Ronan. They won't take you!" Rae tells him like a promise.

She pulls one more time, as hard as she can, but it's like pulling at a concrete wall with a rope. Ronan doesn't budge, and the shadows hang on. There's another voice in the room, malicious laughter she's heard several times before, all too familiar to her. And another voice, different from hers, from Ronan's. Different from the laughter, but she can't hear it clearly, can't focus on it, not when another shadowed arm appears from behind. All she sees is a flash of sneering smile, before the arm wraps completely around Ronan, yanking him back.

"Sissy! Raelyn!" Ronan screams, cries out for his sister.

Terror shoots through Rae like an arrow, her brother's shrieks vibrating in her bones. Frantically she looks down once more at him, sees one last glimpse of blue tinted horror, before he vanishes, her arms now wrapping around thin air; nothing. The shadows are gone, the laughter gone, the cold is settling deeper, one last voice calling out to her. Ronan is gone.

*

Rae wakes with a start, a sharp gasp ripping from her throat. She's met with honey brown, and blue eyes staring worriedly at her. It makes her jerk upward quickly, nearly misses smacking her head against whoever's closet to her. She looks around, frantic for a moment, and realizes she isn't home. She isn't at the hospital, but in fact in the living room of Harry and Louis' flat, with Zayn and Niall staring back at her. She's a little disoriented, can't remember how or when she got there, feels like she isn't breathing properly and doesn't know why. Then Niall moves.

He reaches out his hand towards her chest, and comes away with her own hand in his. "Are you alright, Rae?"

Oh. She suddenly remembers now, remembers her dream, _nightmare_. Remembers how cold it was, remembers how it felt to have Ronan abruptly vanish from her own arms, right after she promised him. Now the room feels way too hot, overheating her skin, and the blanket she now sees on her lap is suffocating, too heavy on her thighs. She's panting now, can't inhale deep enough to catch her breath, feels like she just swam through a riptide. She hears the sinister laugh again, she hears Ronan warning her, screaming out for her. 

Rae feels herself being bent over, someone's hand on her back pushing her spin to curve down, then rubs soothing circles around her shoulders. The movement makes her hair fall around her face, like a rich brown curtain, blocking away the world, cutting her from air. She hears the third voice from her dream again, much clearer this time, right next to her. It's a calm voice, warm. Not like the heat she's feeling now that makes her sweat and her skin sticky, but smooth, like hot coco during a storm. It tells her to breath, says she can do it. Instructs her to count in her head, to look at them. Says it isn't real, it's just a dream, and-

"It isn't real, Rae. Just breath with me, darling."

Someone gathers up her hair and pulls it back, away from her face. Raelyn gasps, breaths in gulps of air like she was just held underwater for a good amount of time. Inhales and exhales with counts, until her breathing matches the breathing around her. She opens her eyes, didn't noticed she had closed them before, and looks up straight at Louis in front of her. He smiles a little tentatively, and brushes away a few stray hairs that had fallen around her face again.

"Same nightmare?" Louis asks softly, leaning back a little to allow Liam to hand her a glass of water.

Rae shakes her head, accepting the glass. It shakes in her hand, so she just quickly takes a sip and hands it off to Zayn. "S'different this time." Louis frowns. "It was worse, Lou. So much worse." Rae hears how shaky her voice is. She knows she's still trembling like she suddenly got cold. There's a tense silence, before someone clears their throat behind Louis.

"So..." Harry begins carefully. Rae didn't even notice him sitting on the coffee table. He holds up his inhaler like he did at the hospital not too long ago.

"D'you need it now?" He offers, shrugging sheepishly. "I've already prepped it."

Rae loves him; he's so endearing. With him holding his inhaler, offering it to her because he's just worried. Harry looks so lost with how to help her in any way. She loves them all, for everything they've done for Hummingbird, for the children there, for everything they've done for her and her family. She doesn't know how she can express to them how appreciative she is; wishes she can give them something in return. For now, she smiles gratefully at Harry and takes the inhaler. It isn't exactly ideal to be sharing someone else's inhaler, frowned upon honestly, but her chest is still spasing, and her breaths aren't has deep as they can be. She pushes the blanket she thought was suffocating her earlier off her lap. Exhales first, then slowly inhales through her mouth, pressing on the inhaler. When she's finished, she just takes two puffs, she keeps it in her hand, fiddling with it anxiously.

"Better now?" Harry inquires, concern in his green eyes. 

"Much." Rae smiles gratefully. "Thank you." 

"Did you- erm- do you want to-?" Louis starts unsure.

No. Rae knows what's he's going to ask and she would rather do anything else than talk about it at the moment. It's different, all five of them seeing exactly what her nightmares reduce her too. So voicing it aloud is not an option at the moment. Not with it still fresh in her mind. 

"Honestly," Rae cuts him off quietly, "I could really use a cuppa. If you don't mind?" 

"Do I ever?" Louis quips, the corner of his mouth pulling into a smile. 

He gets up, shoots her another smile, and disappears around the corner. The second Louis' gone to the kitchen, Rae apologises to the others. They've never seen her, minus Harry and that one time with Liam, how bad her panic attacks can be, or when she wakes from her nightmares. It can be a little daunting, intimidating even. Louis has always been the one to hear it, see it, knows how to handle it better than anyone else. Probably because she has actually, subconsciously, allowed him through her walls, behind her mask, and into her heart. Allows him to see her fall apart when she needs to, but this, to the others, is different. They've usually see her stronger, controlled emotions, almost like she can handle it, can handle everything. But even the normal panic attacks are nothing compared to the dream induced ones.

"I'm so sorry you all had to see that." Rae begins quietly.

Her eyes meet Niall's, and she has to drop them to her lap after a few moments. Niall has never seen her like this, and the somber look in his eyes shouldn't be there in the first place. Niall is like the sun when it breaks through the clouds on a crappy day; the sun shouldn't dim it brightness. Rae twirls the inhaler still in her hands around her fingers.

"Normally," She continues, "it isn't that bad."

"How often do you have them?" Zayn questions, offering the glass of water back to her.

Rae politely declines, shakes her head. "Erm...it depends. A few times a month if things are normal. If things start to get bad...almost every night."

Liam pipes in curiously. "Have they ever been this bad? That was quite an attack there, Rae."

"No, I know." She sighs, forces herself to pick her head up and look at him. "I wish you didn't see it. I just- this was the worse yet. I just don't know how to stop them."

Rae hands Harry back the inhaler, drops her head into the palm of her hands to her eyes. She presses hard and rubs until they start to ache. She reopens them to see popping white spots, then blinks them away. It's been silent for two minutes now, with Louis suspiciously absent and Rae wouldn't put it past him that he's eavesdropping. Although, it isn't an awkward sort of quiet, just a comforting one. One where no one really knows what to do, so all the can do is just sit with her. Someone shifts, their movement catching Rae's attention. When she looks up again, Niall has shifted in front of her, taking Louis' empty seat on the coffee table. He holds arms held wide open.

"Could I give you a hug?" Niall asks, voice as soft as she has ever heard from him.

It makes her smile. "Is that a question?" Rae counters, before leaning forward into him.

Niall's hug lasts several moments, before it's invaded, another pair of arms wrapped around her. Rae, guessing from the warm spicy scent, dubs them Zayn's arms. Then another pair, and another and she is suddenly in the middle of a group hug with no end in sight. Affection bursts in her heart for all of them. Rae revels in their comfort, their friendship and warmth, the care and love they've developed for her, for Ronan. Rae doesn't know how she got this lucky, this blessed, to have them in her life as she does. Not because of their name as a band, of who they are in the entertainment world, but for who they are individually. For who they are as people. It's a support system she's been needing for a while; not that her mother, Kari, Liz and Angelique weren't enough. The more the merrier.

"I see how it is," Louis' voice come from somewhere to their left, "I leave and this happens. Have you all quite finished?"

"No." All five of them answer in unison.

Rae presses her smile into Niall's shoulder for a brief moment. She somehow wiggles free an arm, and peeks over shoulders and biceps. Louis' expression is soft, those little crinkles by his eyes radiate nothing but utter fondness that makes Rae's heart skip a beat. She reaches out her hand, making grabbing motions with her fingers until Louis moves from his spot leaning against the wall. He carefully places the mug of tea down on the floor, and makes his way over to the cluster hug, squeezing himself in between Zayn and Niall. Somehow, Louis stretches one arm over Zayn's shoulder, so his hand rest on Rae's shoulder, his fingers grazing the dip of her collarbone. 

"Much better." Louis announces, prompting some chuckles from the others.

Rae hides her face again, bites back a smile until she feels a hand on her knee, squeezing softly. She doesn't have to turn to know that it's Louis' hand, but she does so anyway, holding his gaze when he's staring straight back at her. His eyes, bluer today with subtle specks of sea-green, ask if she's good now. She's not sure when she got to the point of reading his eyes when he's silently communicating with her, and she tries not to think too hard about it. Instead, she nods once, and keeps her eyes on his, memorizing the colour. Louis is smiling at her, just a soft tilt of his lips, but she sees it, knows it there and knows it's for her. 

"This is a lovely hug and all," Liam pipes up, breaking a silence that lasted another minute, "But I can't help but feel we're intruding on something here."

"How'd you think I feel? I'm between them." Zayn pouts. Rae pinches his shoulder over Louis' arm.

"Yep. I'm out." Niall agrees, then pulls away quickly. Which takes them all in his direction before he pulls his arms out fully.

"You're the one who started it." Rae accuses lightly, laughing when Louis pushes Niall and he topples over the coffee table.

That ends the hug completely, and starts the play fighting between all five boys. Rae escapes from the sofa, hopping over legs to reach her tea. She sips it slowly, opting to just stay on the sideline and watch as they wrestle with each other. Rolling her eyes, she sets her mug back down, fetches her camera from the bag by the door, and sets about snapping pictures. Now that she has time to think about it, she remembers blowing up on Louis just a few hours earlier, him taking her back here afterward, and falling asleep on the couch while the boys played video games. She still feels bad for yelling at Louis, for him just allowing her to do so. She doesn't want to forget about her feelings towards him and maybe she kind of owes it to him actually let him know what exactly those feelings are. For now, she continues to take pictures, until their faces are all red and they end up giving up, piled on the floor with limbs tangled and laughing into the air.

"You're all children, I swear." Rae teases, hanging her camera around her neck.

Louis pops his head up from Harry's stomach and points at her. "Now, now, Wendy Darling, one never grows out of that."

Yeah, Rae decides in her mind, she should be honest with her feelings. She knows her smile is big, from how it's aching her cheeks and all she can think about is that night Louis showed up late on her door step and took her away for a while.

"My bad, Peter." She responds softly.

Louis' eyes light up before he sits up, twists around and gathers his boys into a huddle. Heads all pressed together, and Harry adds an air of playful suspicion when he peeks his eyes over to Rae. Acts surprised that she's still there an hurriedly ducks his head down again. Rae waits them out patiently, pulls out her phone to respond to a text from her mother, then snaps a picture of the boys and saves it in her photo album on it. That one she'll keep for herself, maybe she'll print it out later and hang it on the string along her room. Her feet begin to ache from standing, so she slides down against the wall to sit, picks up her tea and continues to watch them. They seem more serious now, with Louis' soft murmurs barely reaching her ears. The others nod once in a while in agreement, and Zayn gets his ear flicked by Louis, to which Rae only assumes it's in retaliation from a teasing quip. 

Finally, after a solid eight minutes, and several rounds of Temple Run on Rae's phone, the boys break apart. Rae looks up when Harry sprints towards his room, follows Zayn with her eyes when he passes her and picks up her camera bag, slinging the strap over his shoulders. Frowning in confusion now, Rae wonders what Liam is doing with keys in his hand. Wonders why Niall slips his shoes on by the door, and then there's a hand in front of her face, looking up at Louis. His smile is bright and mischievous, knowing about a plan that she obviously was left out on. 

"Do you trust me, love?" He questions, his hand open and waiting. Her jacket in the other.

Without hesitation, Rae places her hand in his, closing her fingers around his. "Always."

***

 

Louis keeps their destination a secret from Rae when they all pile into Harry's Range Rover. She playfully bugs Louis for a hint, pouting out her lower lip, but Louis just focuses on scrolling through the pictures on her camera. He chuckles at the most recent ones, smiles at the selfies she's taken with her mother and friends, then feels his heart drop a little at a picture of her and Ronan. The picture was obviously taken by someone else, a nurse possibly, probably unknown to Raelyn at the time. She's sitting up in Ronan's bed, her brother in her lap resting against her chest, encircled by her arms. Rae's lips are close to her ear, partially opened, with Ronan's eyes closed, and his small fingers tangled in his sisters hair. Louis guesses she was singing to him, then notices several new wires hooked up to the little boy. Swallowing thickly, Louis steals a glance at Raelyn, who long gave up wondering where they are going.

Rae's gazing out the window, silently watching the world outside pass them by in blurs of colour, and he wishes so much for her dreams to be filled with those instead. Vibrant, lively, beautiful colours, not the dark, ominous ones that ensnare her mind, creeps up on her until she can no longer breathe. Louis knows he'll be able to talk to her later about it, but for now, he just tries to focus on Rae herself, rather than the confounds oh her mind. She's stoic in this moment of time, usually always is, but right now, it's strongly present. She seemed to reassure the other boys that she was fine, not to worry about her because it's a simple nightmare. Whereas Rae isn't used to having so many people see her- what she deems herself- weakness, quickly stuffing it back inside.

Louis frowns, his eyes falling to what he can see of her lips, the corner of her mouth turned down just slightly. He can't see her eyes, blocked by the few strands of hair that have fallen loosen from the braid she asked Zayn to do for her (he's got sisters, who made him braid when he was younger). Can't tell if they're as blue as the Tenerife Sea, if the little golden and turquoise specks in her eyes are highlighted brightly, or if the storm in her mind churns in her eyes. His thigh is pressed against hers, a warm, solid touch that he hopes is at least a little comforting to her. Louis gently hands her camera to Liam sitting on his other side, ignoring her curious look, and reaches out to brush Rae's hair behind her ear. He lingers ever so slightly, tracing his fingertips along her jaw, until she looks back at him. Tenerife, Louis decides. Her eyes will never cease to make his breath catch in his throat, whether she knows it or not. Even though Rae's eyes are exceptionally blue today, doesn't mean that the look in them is just as bright.

Rae offers him a small smile, and shifts a little closer to Louis, and further away from the scenery outside. He figures she'll have plenty of time to capture it with her camera once they get to where they're going. It's a bit of a drive, possibly another twenty minutes or so in traffic, so he opens his arm to her, placing it over the back of the seat. Rae shifts into him again, resting comfortably against his side, head resting on his shoulder.

"You can nap, love, if you'd like." Louis tells her, speaks softly so the others have a hard time hearing over the music playing. "Just about twenty minutes before we get there."

"Y'know, I have absolutely no clue where you're taking me." Rae responds, loosening her seat belt a little.

"That's the plan. I'm full of mysteries."

"You're full of something, alright." She quips.

Louis tugs the end of her braid, then drops his arm over her shoulders. "Oi. Cheeky bugger."

He can feel Rae press a quick smile into his shoulder. "Hush, I'm napping."

Louis simply chuckles and tightens his arm around her. He moves his head down until his lips are brushing against the shell of her ear. He feels her tense a little from his breathe, but he knows it just because it sends a tickle down her back.

"You can, y'know. You don't have to be afraid to." He mururs. Rae remains silent and still. "We can talk later yeah? If you want..if you need too."

"Just...stay." Rae murmurs, her hand clutching the sleeves of his jacket.

"Always."

***

 

Rae's been standing in the same spot for a good three minutes, mouth hanging open in shock and camera hanging around her neck. She has yet to respond properly to any of the boys, just continues to stare at the landscape. Louis can't wipe his proud smirk off his face. He knew taking her to Hampstead Heath park would be a great idea to clear her mind; make her forget her nightmares. Finally, Rae turns towards Louis, pointing at him.

"You. You're idea?" Rae questions, as if she doesn't already know the answer to that. Louis nods, his smirk turned into a full smile. He gestures towards the park's landscape, at the secluded little area just on the edge of the small pond. "Really!? For how long?

"As long as you want, love." Louis tells her. 

Suddenly he has his arms full of Rae, being squeezed tight around his waist. The camera is pressing into his stomach, but he ignores the sharp pain of it, and wraps his arms around her in return. A silent thank you from Rae. She releases him quickly, practically bounces over to Niall and drags him with her.

"How'd you know she'd love this particular park?" Harry asks from behind him, both watching as Liam follows the two close behind.

"She mentioned it once when I asked what she likes to photograph." Louis answers, "Said she loves nature landscapes, scenery, that sort of stuff. But she just hasn't been able to since Ronan got sick. Told me she always wanted to come here around dusk."

Zayn nudges Louis with his elbow. "And you remembered that?"

Louis shrugs. "Yes. What of it?" He watches as Zayn and Harry share a knowing look, then look back at him at the same time.

" _L_." Harry sings, beginning to slowly back away. " _Is for the way you look at....her_."

Louis groans audibly. Then louder when Zayn joins in.

" _O, is for the only one you see_."

" _V_!" Harry nearly shouts, " _Is very very, extra ordinary_!"

" _E! Is even more_ -" Zayn starts, motions for Harry to join singing. " _Is even more than anyone that she adores_!"

"I hate you both." Louis deadpans.

They both end up laughing so hard they nearly fall over, and Louis has a strong urge to push them into the pond. Instead, just walks past them, ignores their playful teasing and sets off to follow the others.

*

When he finds them, Rae has got her camera in her hands, with Liam and Niall peaking through lower branches. It isn't spring quite yet, so all the trees are still bare; hauntingly beautiful, especially in the setting sun's light. Louis leans back against a tree, simply watching Rae in her element. It's different than the first photo shoot she did with them, where she seemed to have poses planned out. Here, she's free. Free to be impulsive- like when she somehow finds flowers that bloomed way too early and weaves them in and out of Harry's curls. Free to envision something in her mind and let it come to life. Like when she requests for Zayn to scoop up a handful of water, clear as day. She carefully moves his hands at and angle, get behind him and snaps a picture. The water reflecting Zayn's amber eyes.

Or when she catches that Niall has ventured out a little further into the trees, tripped on a branch and landed in a patch of tall grass. He just laid there, allowed Rae to take photos at different angles, before the ground got too cold to lay on. When she captures Liam's silhouette against the light, meeting a tree's in the middle. She continues to play out whats in her mind, and settles into a zone Louis has never seen her in before.

He watches as her eyes light up with a new idea. How her smile turns fond when Harry blows the flowers from his hair at her, then into the wind. The way she blushes shyly when Liam give her a lovely compliment, amazed at how incredible her mind is. Fist pumps Zayn when he successfully took shots of him high in one of the bare trees. There's a moment when Rae takes a break to switch out film rolls, that just take's Loui's breath away.

The sun is fully setting now, shining through the trees, directly onto Rae. Streaks light and shadows across her face when she looks back up, highlights her hair into soft golden hues. Rae closes her eyes, feeling what's left of the sun's little heat on her skin. Louis has never seen her so peaceful before; never seen her so...happy. He can't help but think that maybe he did this. He brought her here, a place she's been longing to come to for years, and let her do what she pleased. Which all leads to this very moment.

Abruptly, Rae opens her eyes, and spins around, finding Louis in the same spot he's been in for the past half hour. He's struck hard with the realization of how beautiful she is in every way. From her physical appearance, straight down to her depths of her heart. Everything she has done, and still does for her family, for the Hospice, just for the people around her. He's never met a more beautiful person and he's never been so in love like this before.

Rae literally pulls him out of his thoughts, lacing her fingers between the spaces of his and tugging him away from the tree. She smiles brightly at him, all teeth and all blinding, and maybe a little breathless. She pokes a finger at the corner of Louis' right eye, at the crinkles he knows are there, just didn't realize he was smiling back at her.

"It's your turn now, Louis." Rae states, leading him to the edge of the pond, between the sun's lights. "You've been disappointingly absent in my photos."

"Am I allowed to see them this time?" Louis teasingly asks.

Rae bites her lip for a moment. "Of course."

Louis follows wherever Rae leads him to, whatever she instructs him to do. Listens when she tells him to just look as natural as he can, so she can just try to capture the right expression. He just looks at her the whole time. Watches her as she plays with the sunset light, when she zooms her camera in and out, when she finds a proper setting and once when she actually changes lens. Rae has him on the ground at one point, out in the open and away from the trees to where the light is a little brighter. She lays down next to him, just a few feet away, and sets her camera up.

Just as the sun is getting lower, Rae finishes her part with Louis, and opts to takes some last shots of the landscape. Of the pond reflecting the light, a few more candids of the boys as they're walking away, of the rare blooming flowers, and a selfie once Harry places a flower crown he strung together on her head. He then steals the camera and takes pictures of Rae herself.

"Louis?"

Louis startles a bit, once again captivated by Raelyn like he's been all day. He turns to see Liam, Zayn and Niall, all looking at him with those same knowing expressions. It makes his stomach tighten and heart pound just a little faster. Louis looks back at Rae, Harry placed her just behind a bush, bent her over a little so that her eyes peak through the branches. Rae gestures like she's gently instructing Harry how to get the right angle. Harry smiles after he takes the picture, fist pumping into the air, making Rae laugh.

"I think..." Louis begins quietly. "I think I'm going to tell her."

"Really?" Niall questions, a little pep to his voice.

Louis nods. "Just...when it's right, yeah."

 

By the time the sun is completely gone, Louis basically has to drag Rae away from the park. She wanted to snap just a few more photos of the path of trees all interwoven by their branches. When she complained about her fingers freezing anyway, Louis dubbed it time to head back to the car. Even after Harry turns the heat up, Rae still snuggles into Louis' side, pressing her cold nose into his neck. They get back to the flat around eight, after stopping for some food, sending Rae in to pick up what ordered via the phone. They eat, food wrappers being thrown at each other, then onto the floor, and bid goodbye to Raelyn when Louis offers to take her home. 

On the car drive over to her house, Louis sees Rae scrolling through photos she took on the memory card, commenting here and there. She promises to make copies of each and every one to give to all five of them, excitement in her voice. When he pulls up to her home, MaryAnn's car is absent, either still working, or at the hospital. Louis can see the instant that thought registers in Rae's mind and he hopes that it doesn't erase how she felt tonight. Louis walks her up to her door, waits as she takes out the key and lets them in. He can't stay long, they've got an early morning radio show they're expected to be at, but he takes the cup of tea Rae offers anyway. Once the tea is gone, and the danish from Japser's has been eaten, Rae walks Louis out.

"Louis." Rae stops him just as he has his hand on the handle. "Was tonight...was it like some sort of date? With four other people?"

Louis smiles at her. "It's whatever you would like it to be, Rae. If it felt like a date towards the end, then yes. But if it made you forget everything that's happened this morning, this afternoon, then let it be just that. It was just something you needed. Or I thought you needed."

Rae's only quite for a moment. "You're the most incredible person I know."

Louis blinks, and steps closer. "I think you're so beautiful, Raelyn. But I've never seen you more beautiful than tonight." He traces the outline of her face softly, fingers trialing over the shell of her ear, along her jawbone. He allows himself to gently graze his thumb over her lips once, before dropping his hand and continues.

"You were so in your element, Rae. It was amazing watching you, you're so talented."

Rae actually blushes, ducking her head down for just a moment. "How's it that you're able to make me forget about things? It's so easy for you."

Louis readjusts the askew flower crown Harry had made her, tilting it straight, ending with his fingers fiddling with her braid. "I just want to help you. Just want you to be happy, if for only a little while."

Rae takes hold of his wrist, smiling softly at him. "It did, Louis. I really appreciate it, so..."

She takes Louis' face in her hands, leans up slightly, and presses her lips to his. It's feels like an apology for the morning, a thank you for the evening, and something so different from just expressing her gratitude. She tastes like warm tea, and Louis pulls her closer, wrapping an arm around her waist. He sneaks his hand into her hair, cradling her head, tilting her back an inch to deepen the kiss. Louis feels like the tea they drank earlier comes back to warm his heart, spreading throughout his body, and he knows that Rae insinuating it means so much more than him just doing it. He knows she trusts him, knows that she knows how vulnerable she's allowing herself to be, yet still finds it in herself to do so.

He doesn't know who pokes their tongue out first, timidly licking the other's lips, but Louis honestly doesn't care. He just moves his lips with hers, heart pounding as he explores her mouth slowly, her teeth, her tea laced tongue and back to her lips. His thumb is pressed against the pulse in her neck, can feel how her own heart is racing beneath his finger. Louis starts to move her backwards, to support her back with the wall, when she suddenly inhales sharply, and pulls away.

"Ouch." Rae winces, dropping her hand from Louis' face to her lower back.

Louis shifts her to the right to see what caused the pain. The handle to the front door lines up perfectly with the bottom of her spine, mocking him with its brassiness. Well, at least she didn't pull away of her own accord.

"Oops, sorry, my bad." Louis chuckles, pressing another kiss to her temple. He sighs reluctantly. "I should probably go though."

"Oh yeah, no, go ahead. Early start for you." Rae responds, then glares at the doorknob. "I'll, uh, yeah. I'll um, call you? When the pictures are developed and that."

"Yeah, of course." Louis says. He wants to kiss her one last time, maybe tell her how much he loves her, but whatever moment they had was lost. He settles for kissing her forehead instead. "Goodnight, Raelyn. Don't hesitate to call me if it happens again."

Rae nods. "G'night Louis."

Louis falls asleep with a smile on his lips, the lingering feel of Rae's against his own.


	41. Right at the Edge and Ready to Fall

Rae wakes up early the next morning, checking in on her mother, and sees her sleeping in her bed with half the duvet hanging off the mattress. She quietly tiptoes over and fixes the the fluffy duvet so it fully covers her mum. She places a light kiss on her head, then leaves a note saying she'll be back for lunch. She readies the coffee in the kitchen, just in case her mother wants a cup whenever she wakes. Rae holds off on the coffee, fixes her hair up into a messy bun, slips on her shoes and is out the door heading for work. It's 5:30 am, but she feels so much more rested than the previous few days. Which all just comes down to the events of last night. From the park to the goodnight kiss, although it did take her heart a while to finally return to it's normal rate. Thinking of it, thinking of Louis, is making her stomach feel funny, flipping and fluttering.

Once she arrives at Jasper's, she makes a fresh pot of coffee, and immediately begins to serve the four customers in the diner. After she serves them their food and cups of coffee and tea, Rae goes into the kitchen looking for Liz. She finds her in the very back by the storage closet, downing her own cup of whatever she's drinking, and catches the logo on the front. Before Rae can even open her mouth to comment, Liz pulls another cup from under the chair she's sitting on.

"D'you think I'd go to Latte Luna and not get you anything?" Liz smirks, wiggling the cup from Rae's favorite cafe slightly. "Got those little espresso beans you like too."

Rae places a hand over her chest. "Love of my life. You do know the way to a girls heart."

Liz rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, hush and drink your coffee."

"You're the best of the best. I should marry you, that way I can wake up to chocolate covered espresso beans every morning." Rae beams at her friend.

She takes the cup from her hand, nudges Liz over a few inches on the seat so they can share it. Rae leans over and pecks a quick kiss to her cheek in graduate. The two girls sit in the kitchen quiet, watching Jasper as he moves about, like he does when it's a seemingly slow morning. They sip their coffee and share espresso beans between them. Liz throws one at their coworker, Max, who comes into the kitchen, just starting his shift. Rae playfully scolds her about wasting perfectly good food. 

"You seem unusually happy this morning." Liz comments, watching as Rae pops another bean into her mouth.

"Are you saying I'm a right downer usually?" Rae questions, mock frown and all.

"No. You're just never this level of happy. Did something good happen?"

Rae sets her coffee on the floor, beans in her lap and turns to see Liz better. "I like Louis."

Liz fixes her with a knowing stare. "Uh-huh." She says sarcastically. 

Rae flicks her knee. "And I think...I think I'm dating him."

A beat passes. "Uh-huh."

"Liz!"

"Right, sorry. I mean, fucking finally!"

Rae shoves at her friends arm, nearly pushing her off the chair. "Be serious for a moment, please."

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry." Liz readjusts herself. "So you're dating Louis?"

"Um...I think so?"

"What makes you just think and not know?" Liz wonders.

Rae takes a long drink from her cup, contemplating. That's a great question that doesn't have an answer exactly. Louis hasn't exactly asked her out on a proper date, nor have both of them really said anything to make label it official. But if she goes by kissing in the Dark Room, to kissing against her front door, she's assuming their on a level of _something_. If she adds everything from before and between, there's no doubt that they have feelings for each other, not that they'd just go around kissing for the fun it. She tells Liz this much.

"Maybe he just doesn't think it's the right time yet." Liz inputs, setting her empty cup on the floor. "Or that you're having some doubts. Maybe he just wants to wait until Ronan starts feeling better so you don't have to stress any more than you have too."

"If that's it, that's pretty selfless." Rae sighs. 

"Or! Ooh..."

Rae is alert the second Liz's tone changes. "What? What happened?"

Liz grimaces, like maybe she wasn't suppose to say what she just thought of. Without a word, she stands up, making her way over to the cabinet were they keep their bags. Confused, Rae just decides to give her time to get whatever she needs to, and goes to check on the costumers. Two of them have just finished, asks for their check and pays their bills. When Rae returns to the kitchen Liz is back on the seat, phone in hand and two sets of papers. Liz looks up from her phone, and bites her lip.

"Or maybe he's afraid." Liz says quietly.

Rae immediately recognizes the gossip papers in her lap, heart dropping into her stomach, beginning to boil in anger. She snatches the top one from Liz's lap, glaring at the picture on the front page. It isn't the main story of the paper, thank God, but the picture is still a decent size; however gritty and shady it looks. It looks like Ronan is in the background of the photo, with Harry taking up the majority, expression clearly peeved. Rae doesn't need to open it, instead she grabs the other one, same quality of pictures, like the low life pap took them with his phone. 

The second one has four pictures on the cover, one being the same as the first. The second is taken from a distance, capturing both Harry and Louis entering the hospital. The third is of Louis holding Rae, sitting in the hallway, and the last, of an angry Louis when he told off the pap. Rae can't even remember the guy having a cell phone, let alone been able to have it out while he was being escorted. Unless...unless he had a friend with him, or he was recording with his phone the whole time and no one had noticed.

"Please tell me you didn't read these. They're absolute shit!" Rae spits the last sentences out with disgust. She crumbles them up, tossing them into the rubbish bin.

"Sorry." Liz whispers, turning her phone so the screen faces Rae.

It's an online articles for one of the magazines, flashing big, bold letters of Louis and Harry's **"Hospital Meltdown"**. Rae's eyes can't help but catch some words popping out at her; _"only for money", "punches thrown", "deranged girl broke his camera"_. Rae rolls her eyes so hard she's surprised they don't roll straight out her head. She pushes the phone away from her.

"Those are ridiculous." Rae sneers. "As much as I wanted to break the bastards camera, I didn't. I hope no one believes that."

Sighing, she plops back down into the seat Liz just left to put her phone away. However, Liz stops abruptly, turns back around shoving the phone into her back packet. Rae watches her with confusion, is about to ask what's the matter when the bell to the diner's door rings. She waits for Liz to come back from answering it, accepting a cheese danish Max hands to her, dubbing it leftover from the night before. She thanks him with a smile, knowing it was a lie and he just snuck the pastry to her. She appreciates it all the same. Liz comes back when Rae is halfway done with the danish.

"So." She starts out, sickeningly sweet smile on her face. "Eat your espresso beans."

"No." Rae says, arching her eyebrow. "You know something."

"I don't want to say anything in case it's not true. Probably just a rumor."

Rae doesn't get a chance to inquire, since the diner starts to get it's early risers. So she pushes that, the stupid articles and all thoughts of Louis of the back of her mind.

***

 

"Hi, mum. I can make you a quick lunch before you go to work." Rae greets her mother in the kitchen, just getting off of work herself for the rest of the day.

However, her mother is still in her fluffy pink robe, hair held back with a headband Rae knows is hers. She's got her white slippers on, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in one hand, and a magazine in another. MaryAnn glances up from reading, smiling at her daughter.

"Unless you aren't going to work..." Rae frowns in confusion. "You're not sick, are you?"

"No, my lovely Raelyn." MaryAnn responds, setting her cup down. "I decided to take the day off...with pay."

Rae can feel her heart swell in happiness, brightening her expression. "Really?"

"Really, really. My boss was nice enough to allow it. Also got a coworker to cover my shift for tonight as well."

Raelyn practically launches herself at her mother, knocking the chair back a little. MaryAnn catches her with a small "oof!" letting her arms fall around her daughters back. She nuzzles her face into her mum's shoulder, the fluffy robe smelling of the lavender soap from her bathroom. She holds tight to her mum, squeezing her arms around her back.

"Are you alright, darling?" MaryAnn asks with a chuckle, petting her head.

"Fine, mummy." Raelyn sighs, "I miss you sometimes."

"I know, Rae-Rae. It's why I took the day off. I can tell you need mama time."

Rae turns her head to gaze up at her mum. She's no longer a child, hasn't been for years. She's had to grow up a lot faster than other teenagers, and though Rae deems herself as strong at times, the rock for her small family, their support system, she still needs her mummy. She hasn't been able to really talk to her; talk through her thoughts. About the nightmare she still gets, and continues to turn worse, about the stress she feels, and especially about a certain boy who abruptly came into her life and turned out to be someone more than just a hired singer.

"How'd you know?" 

"A mother always knows." Her mother smiles down at her. "And I have eyes, sweetheart. They see all."

That makes Rae laugh and allows her mother to gently kiss her forehead, before releasing her and sitting back. MaryAnn offers to make their lunch, preparing the best chicken BLT, Rae's had in a while. Rae had gone to change out of her work clothes during the making of the sandwich, and came back downstairs with her camera and a couple of film rolls in their canister. When they finish their meal, Rae rinses off the plates, sticking them in the dishwasher. When she turns around, her mum's got this knowing glint in her blue eyes. A deeper shade than her own and Ronan's, but it's no doubt they got their eyes from their mother. The only thing she hopes she got from her father is the colour of her hair, since her mum's is an ashy blonde colour.

"So," Her mum begins, right as Rae sits back down. "Those pictures are beautiful, Raelyn."

Rae nods, knows exactly where this is leading. "I've got more on film."

"Where'd you shoot them?"

Rae hesitates for a moment before answering, "Hampstead Heath park."

MaryAnn raises her cup of iced tea to her mouth, hiding a smile Rae can still see. "Did Louis take you then?"

"Erm, the other boys did too, but it was mainly Louis' idea." Sheshrugs, swirling the ice around in her own glass.

"That was really nice of them."

Rae nods. She watches the ice cubes twirl in her water for a moment, before deciding that she should voice her thoughts to her mother. Maybe, if she can admit it to her, she can fully admit it to herself. It's not like she's oblivious to what's been going on; she'd be a complete utter moron if she thinks those kisses were nothing but platonic. Platonic friend don't kiss other platonic friends like that. Nor do they hold them that gently, yet firm enough to anchor, or look at each other with a soft expression on their face. She isn't stupid. She's just...uncertain. Inhaling deeply, as if to mentally prepare herself, Rae finally looks up at her patiently waiting mother.

"Mum," Raelyn begins, pushing her glass aside. "I think I'm dating Louis."

MaryAnn only nods, quietly sipping her tea, waiting for her to continue. Rae appreciates it, knows that her mum knows when she needs to take her time. When her mother smiles kindly at her, Rae opens up like floodgates. She tells her everything. From the first time Louis saw her have a panic attack, to Christmas, to times she's called him after a nightmare, the time he gave her comfort. From the kiss in the dark room, to the kiss last night, and everything in between. She confesses about her little blow up on Louis as well, explaining to her mother she just felt so overwhelmed and scared, that everything just came out.

When Rae is finally finished telling her mum all that she can, all that she wants to, she exhales a long, deep sigh. Her chest clenched only once, when she talked about being scared, but it was mild enough to let it pass. Now though, she presses her hand to her chest out of habit and winces a little, until her mother's hand on her wrist pulls it away. She keeps Rae's hand in hers, squeezing lightly. She receives a kiss on her forehead, and smiles gratefully at her mother.

"You know, my sweet sunshine," MaryAnn says gently, which makes Rae smile again. "It's alright to be scared. To feel confused at times. I see it, darling. I see how strong you always are for your brother. For me, and I will thank you every minute of everyday for that. However..."

MaryAnn trails off with a knowing smile. Rae blinks in bemusement, tilting her head, waiting for her to continue. Her mum reaches out her free hand, brushing away the shorter strands of hair that never seem to stay in her braid. She tucks the hair behind her ear, fiddles with the hair between her fingers before she speaks again.

"You shouldn't be scared of something that makes you so happy." Her mother continues, despite Rae blinking her eyes in confusion. "You've been happier than I've ever seen you, sweetheart. If he makes you that way, if he make you feel like that, there's absolutely no reason why you should hold back. It's okay to fall in love, Raelyn."

Rae starts a little at that. "I don't- what- I just started liking- we just started-" She splutters. She collects herself, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. When she reopens her eyes, her mum's still that the 'a mother always knows' smile, her own eyes soft around the edges. "Mum," She tries again, "What makes you think I'm in love, when I just begun somewhat dating?" Rae genuinely questions, careful to leave out the name burning on her tongue.

"Oh, my sweet Raelyn," MaryAnn begins, taking both of Rae's hands in hers. "I am your mother, and I have never been to your dark room."

Frowning, Rae opens her mouth to say something, thinks it over, then shuts her mouth. Her mum is absolutely right. Rae has never, out of all the years she's actually had that room for herself, despite it being located in her friend's flat, brought anyone other than Louis to it. Never invited anyone, not Kari, or Liz, her own mother, but only after several months of knowing him, she invites Louis. She opened herself a little and allowed him into something so important to her, so close and personal to her. A place she dubs her safe haven, a place were she lets her thoughts and imagination run wild; a place that tells her own life story more than her words ever could. So yeah, maybe opening the dark room's door was simultaneously and metaphorically opening the door to her heart as well. Rae realizes that. Rae suddenly feels like she can't breathe properly. Rae thinks she may possibly be panicking.

But there's no sharp pain shooting through her chest, no clenching of the muscles there. No tightening of her lungs as if they'll collapse in on themselves, no piercing of her nails into her skin. Instead, it feels like something is holding it all back, replacing it with this strange warmth that blooms throughout her chest, and Rae thinks the one person who's done that since they met is Louis. Who always seems to be there to pull her hand away, to hold her arm back, to comfort her in any way he knows how. So okay, yeah, maybe, just maybe, she can admit to having strong feelings for him (if she didn't at least somewhat have feelings, than those kisses would have been quite awkward), so maybe. Just maybe, Rae can start realizing it all adds up to what her mother is saying. That possibly she's right at the edge, and ready to fall; if not already in mid air.

"Rae," MaryAnn speaks up. Her voice pulling Rae out of her mind. "It's just what I see, love. You don't have to figure it out now, no one is forcing you. Only you're in charge of how you feel. It's confusing and scary, I know. Trust me. It's terrifying giving your heart to someone and trusting them not to break it into a million pieces."

Rae frowns, knowing where this turn in their conversation is suddenly taking. She doesn't want to go there. Doesn't want her mother to go there; again. "Mum, please don't." Her mother just smiles again, like she has been this whole time. Like she has been for Rae's whole life, despite the utter heartbreak she had been through. 

She pats Rae's hand, and continues. "As long as what happened between your father and I isn't a reason to hold back, then alright. Just because one relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean yours won't. So as long as you aren't afraid for that reason, then you feel and do what you want to feel and do. Yeah?"

Rae nods, swallowing down the small taste of bitterness. She hates when her mum brings up her father, especially their failed relationship with no one to blame but him. Rae stays silent for a while, watching her mother play with the rings on her fingers and tracing her camera tattoo just below her wrist. It's when the tattoo she got for Ronan is being traced with each letter, does she voice the question burning in her mouth.

"Mum," Raelyn begins softly, tentatively. "When did you know you were in love?"

"I didn't, darling. That is the difference here." MaryAnn smiles brightly, then places a kiss to each of Rae's hands. "Now, how about we go get a nice cuppa at Lunas, then go see your brother? I hear he's been debating who's the better superhero; Iron Man or Thor."

Rae laughs. Of course Ronan would be debating about that, the smart, adorable four year old he is.

 

***

Louis is excited. Excited and downhearted at the same time. He can't even get through a FIFA game without allowing Niall to score on him; twice. However, it did take them a while to even get on the level of wanting to play the game at all. It's been quite the busy morning for them, right from when he woke up from a good dream involving a blue eyed girl and her brother. He had gotten a phone call from Niall, telling him to phone Zayn, because Louis is the only one who Zayn won't kill immediately upon waking him up. So, by seven in the morning, him, Zayn and the other three boys had assembled into one of the conference rooms at their record label's office.

They were all half asleep, rolling chairs nearly on top of one another as they all somehow were able to cuddle against each other. Heads lolling on shoulders, eyes fighting to stay open. All five perk up when the mention of a tour, just a European tour for now, to promote the makings of their new album just in the beginning process. They're all bright eyed and bushy tailed now, excited for finally touring again building up in their blood. The first stop they find out, isn't the UK itself, but rather Paris, opting to save the UK for the last few shows.

The ecstatic feeling in the air only last twenty minutes, when one of the PR people slides an issue of the The Mirror over to Louis. He catches it before it slides off the table, and suddenly the PR person, the name of which they all seem to pointedly forget, is scolding Harry and Louis. Something about bad PR, how it doesn't look good and blah blah blah Louis isn't listening to her, but the sound of his blood boiling in his ears. The pictures and captions stare back at him, and suddenly Louis is the one going off on PR themselves. About how they should handle this better, and the fucking Mirror had to have permission to publish it anyway, and who the hell is in charge of that beside the PR team.

Harry is one the to calm him down, yet Louis can tell from the trembling in his hand on his shoulder that he's livid as well. It's not because of them, being in the spotlight for the last four years makes them mostly immune to shitty articles, but because of the sheer fact that Rae and Ronan are clearly seen in the picture. Liam decides to take charge, demanding that they contact the stupid company and tell them to remove it. Remove every article of it in whatever gossip mag that publishes it.

 

Now, after that eventful morning, Zayn is outside smoking, Harry having joined him only to rant about it. Niall nudges Louis's thigh with his foot, pulling him from his thoughts. "S'not fun beating you if you're not even trying, mate."

Louis shrugs, tossing his controller to the side. "Not feeling it right now, Niall. I can't believe that disgusting fuck still sold those pictures. I thought we took them all. She wanted to break his fucking camera."

"Looks like it was from his phone," Niall inputs, turning the game off. "Hey, too early for a pint?"

"You're Irish." Louis deadpans. "So no."

It makes Nialls chuckle. He smacks Louis on his knee twice, then pushes himself up to head to the kitchen. After the meeting they decided to head to Niall's flat, because hanging with Niall will pull anyone out of any sour mood. It worked for a while, until Louis starting thinking again. Wondering if Rae has seen the articles and how she's taking it; probably as livid as Harry. All five of them are fiercely protective over her and Ronan, and Louis loves that it's gotten to that point, as sad as the situation that called for it is.

Liam suddenly comes from the hallway where he walked off to take a phone call, and looks up at Louis with a slight frown. Great, just the expression Louis needs to see right now. He straightens up a bit, awaiting the news Liam has obviously just gotten.

"Where's everyone?" Liam asks, plopping down on the beanbag chair Niall insisted her have.

"Niall's gone for a beer, Zayn is smoking and Harry is probably second handily joining." Louis answers, then raises his eyebrows in question.

Liam notices and sighs. "France is the first stop on this tour, yeah? Well, they want us to do some sort of promo beforehand, which means..." He trails off, eyes moving over Louis' head as Niall rejoins them. The sliding glass door to the back opens, Harry and Zayn finally joining them as well. The three of them squeezing together next to Louis on the couch.

"Which means..." Louis prompts impatiently.

"We have to leave for France for two weeks...on Monday."

"Today's Friday." Zayn states, frowning. "That's in three days."

All four of them stare at Louis, and it takes a moment for him to realize it's because of Rae. Of whom probably isn't in the best of place right now with how Ronan's been doing slightly worse, plus the articles and-

"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading <3


	42. The Rain Above and the London Street Lights Below

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

Rae should have known something seemed a bit off when she was leaving Ronan for the night. Should have paid attention to the little envelop Ronan pulled from under his pillow and shoved into the back of her pocket. However, she was listening to Olivia's very animated story about how she conned Liam and Zyan into playing Princess Fairytale with her, laughing when Olivia said she made Zayn wear her plastic, glittery tiara. So, she barely registered feeling a little hand slip into her pocket, not giving it a second thought. 

She should've known something was strange again when she arrived home, with how the front porch lights were already on just as the sun was setting. She knew her mother wouldn't be home, obviously, since she just left her. Not of her own choice, since her mother practically forced Rae to go home after insisting that she'd stay the night with Ronan instead. When she made to get out of her car, leaning over to grab her bag, something crinkled in her pocket. She forgot Ronan put something there, so she pulls it out, pausing from closing the car door mid way. It's not just a piece of paper in the envelop, not with the sound it makes when she crinkles it again. It feel a littler thicker, she can feel the slight outline of a square. Rae opens the unsealed flap, pulling out the envelops contains, well, just a single item.

A polaroid. It's a polaroid picture of a digital clock, bright red numbers shining 8:30. Confused, Rae checks the time on her phone, sees that it's nearly eight now. She finally closes the door, making her way up the two steps to her front door, still staring at the picture. When she looks up from getting her keys, she's met with another polaroid, this one a picture of a nice outfit. Rae raises her eyebrow in a silent question, because what? What does an outfit, clearly taken from a fashion magazine, have anything to do with the first time stamp picture. She pulls the polaroid from the tape on the door, then opens it after unlocking. She cautiously makes her way inside, hoping it isn't Kari playing a prank on her, just to jump out and scare her.

It's when she's toeing off her shoes and passes the kitchen does she stop again, doubling back. There's a third polaroid taped to the frame of the kitchen wall; this one being a picture of food. Rae actually chuckles, because the food is of one of the frozen dinners in the ice box; clearly someone has been, or is in her house. However, the feeling of being jumped at fades away as she slowly begins to cotton on, curiosity now spiking. Rae searches for other pictures in the kitchen but finds none. So she's got three pictures in her hand; time, an outfit, and food. Rae thinks for a moment, beginning to piece together the pictures as she makes her way upstairs, but stops again because she has this feeling there's another clue.

She turns out to be right, pulling off the fourth picture from the banister, this one being a photo of her own camera. Which makes her frown a bit. She did leave her camera home for once, wanting to focus all her time with her mum and Ronan, off duty from snapping picture for the newletters. So how would someone, a certain someone, know her camera stayed behind. Soon, Rae can't stop the slow smile creeping it's way across her lips, clearly coming to terms that this wasn't done alone. She shakes her head in amusement, finally making her way to her room, with the door closed and another picture plastered to the front.

This one is a little harder to make out, so Rae has to squint and lean closer. It's a bit more abstract and the lighting isn't very good, and the quality of polaroid cameras aren't the best. It takes her a few moments to figure out what the object is, and when she does, that little smile is now full blown. The abstract picture is the London Eye, taken from a distance, with the nights lights shiny around it. Containing her excitement for just a little longer, Rae takes the picture to add to the collection in her hand and opens her door. Rae finds her sixth and final clue, sitting on her bed and it's so much more than small pictures can ever be.

Louis is sitting there, looking slightly on side of nervous, a tentative smile on his lips, and beautiful orange flowers in his hand. Her camera is placed next to him on the bed, still neatly placed in the bag he'd gotten for her birthday. Their eyes meet, but they both stay silent, and Rae lets the warmth she's feeling bloom from her chest and spread through her body at the sight of him. Louis looks really good, is the thing. He's wearing a nice, but casual, blazer over what looks like a band t-shirt, dark skinny jeans, with the bottoms rolled up so Rae can see his tattoos on his ankles, before they meet his Vans shoes.

Her heart skips a beat unexpectedly when Rae see's just how blue Louis' eyes look against the fading sunset's light and the fairy lights in her room. She's sure the colorful flowers just add to it, and her fingers twitch for her camera. Louis raises his eyebrows in amusement, probably because the silence has stretchered a bit and all Rae's done is stare openly. Finally, Rae blinks and says the first thought that comes to mind. 

"Did you break into my house just to tell me you're taking me on a date?"

Louis perks up, mirth dancing in his eyes. "You figured it out!"

Rae only nods, because when Louis shifted, her eyes caught the flowers in his hands again. "Are those Tiger Lilies?"

Louis glances down at the flowers for a moment, then stands to give them to Rae. "They are. And before you ask, your lovely mother was very willing to help me."

Rae hides her smile in the flowers, accidentally pressing her nose against the anthers of a flower, which marks her skin with some pollen. Louis chuckles when she pulls away, stepping closer and gently wiping off the pollen on her nose with his thumb.

"They're gorgeous, Louis." Rae says softly. "You didn't have to get me flowers though. You could've just asked me to go out."

Louis shrugs like it wasn't a hassle. "You deserve better than just a simple ask, Raelyn. Wait, are you saying yes then?"

"Obviously." Rae rolls her eyes playfully. "Just let me change, yeah?"

Louis nods, hesitating for a moment, his hand lingering along the side of her face. Then he blinks himself back into focus and steps back, taking the flowers back from Rae. He tells her to take her time, there's no rush. She thanks him, then turns to her closet after Louis leaves her room, shutting the door behind him. If her heart picks up it's pace a little quicker after she hears the door close, she ignores it, and just stares blankly at her closet. The thing is she hasn't been on a date for years, and suddenly can't remember what nice clothing is. Nice, weather appropriate, clothing. Quickly, Rae turns again, plugs her phone to the charger, then pulls up a contact. She twirls a piece of her hair around her finger while she waits for an answer. The second the ringing stops, Rae is firing off.

"So I got home to these polaroid clues taped along me house, and then Louis is just sitting on me bed, with these beautiful Tiger Lilies in his hands. Bloody Tiger Lilies like he just somehow knew they're me favourite- which is probably what he meant by me mum helping him. But he's just sitting there looking quite dashing, like David Beckham dashing, handsome, like- just sitting there and the pictures were clues to a date. Louis is taking me on a date and I have no idea what the hell I should wear! You wear clothes to a date right!?"

Rae takes a deep breath after that, waiting once again for the laughter on the other side of the line to subside. She's breathing a little harder now, pushing her hair back from her face, and facing her closet once more.

"A classy date, yes. Clothes are usually required. But first," Kari finally answers, "you need to take a breath and calm down."

"I can't even remember my last date, Kari. What do I wear? Why'd he ask me? He stole my polaroid camera, broke into my house, bought flowers. He thought this through and I can't even remember when I got this boot. Why's it just one boot, where'd the other boot go? Kari!"

"Oh my god," Kari mutters, clear amusement in her voice. "Alright. Rae. Listen. Breathe first. Good? Good. Now, it's still a bit chilly out, so either that one maroon jumper dress-"

"It's red-"

"Maroon, same bloody thing. That's a light dress. I'm sure you got it from there, yeah?"

Rae nods, despite Kari clearly not seeing it. "Alright. I think I got it now. I'm just...I think I'm nervous. He makes me nervous."

"Because you like him, a lot, by the sounds of it. He obviously likes you, Rae. He didn't do all that for nothing. Now go enjoy yourself, have fun. I'm hanging up now and turning off my phone."

"But-" Rae protests.

"It's Louis, Rae."

For some reason, that statement finally calms her. So Kari hangs up with a few more encouraging words. Rae grabs a few more pieces of clothing, inhales deeply once more, then prepares for her date.

 

***

Rae's glaring at him, he can feel it. Can feel her eyes narrowing, can imagine how the different colours of blue in her eyes shine against the city lights. Louis clears his throat, tightening his grip on the wheel before stopping at a traffic light. He's trying to not turn his head, trying to keep strong and not give in to the pull Raelyn's gaze has on him. He fails. He looks over, and the moment he does, he sees her expression break. Just a quick pull of the corner of her mouth quirking upwards into a smile. Louis blinks and it's gone; back into the pretend scowl she's insisting on keeping.

"I didn't know it was going to rain." Louis states, smiling as sweetly as he can.

"How long have you lived in England? How didn't you know it was going to rain?" Rae counters, the upward pull of her mouth coming back.

"How didn't you?" Louis watches her rub her lips together, possibly hiding a smile. 

"Touche. You know I honestly don't care, yeah?" She smiles completely this time.

He internally sighs in relief. "I know. Still hungry?"

Rae's eyes brighten, nodding excitedly. The light turns green a few moments later, so Louis has to return his attention to the road, rather than the girl bouncing excitedly in her seat. He drives to Jasper's first, ignoring Rae as she laughs heartily, teasing him about ordering food from her work. He just shrugs, says you can't beat better diner food than Jasper's. Rae agrees, a fond look expressing her face. After he takes her to Luna's, he makes sure she promises to stay in the car while he runs in to pick up an order he called in. Rae actually slides down in her seat, but takes out her camera. When Louis returns, Rae's aiming the camera at the sky through the window she rolled down. She pulls it back in when Louis starts the car, and has to playfully smack her hand when she reaches for the brown bag, but makes up for it by handing her the cup of coffee's he got her.

When they pull up as close as Louis can get to the Eye, Rae frowns, shooting him a confused look. She stays quite though, following Louis after he opens her door. Stays quite until she recognises Louis' personal bodyguard standing at the entrance of the Eye. Louis stops when she does, watching while she glances around and comes to a conclusion.

"You realize it's closed right?" Rae questions, still looking around and seeing no other tourist or people in general besides a few workers.

"I'd hope, otherwise the extra pay I gave would go to waste." He informs, ignoring when her mouth falls open in surprise.

Louis greets Alberto, then leaves Rae in his capable hands for the next two minutes while he chats with the manager, Anna, of the London Eye. He makes sure to express his appreciation, shaking her hand, and if he happens to sign a quick autograph for her daughter, he doesn't mind. As Anna instructs the few workers to prepare the attraction, Louis glances around out of habit. He doesn't think anyone's caught on to what he's been planning, but he's still wary of being spotted; especially in the recent events he's accidentally put Rae and her family in.

Rae, who is currently making Alberto laugh, and Louis feels nothing but fondness for her. Fondness, love, it's completely and absolutely not the same thing. Someone clears their throat behind him, startling Louis back into his plan. He turns his attention to the worker, Dave, who gestures to the open doors of the pod hovering above the water. Right. While Rae's distracted, Louis makes sure the inside of the pod is all set up, placing the bags of food on the bench inside. He shakes Dave's hand, sincerely thanks him and the few others who had to work overtime for this, and if he tips the man generously, no one really has to know.

"Louis!" Louis gives his attention to Alberto, eyebrows raised in his usual 'I didn't do it' expression whenever he's called by him. "You treat this lovely lady well, you hear?" Alberto says, pointing a (non) threatening finger his way. "I'll be waiting down here."

Louis's expression falls; of course she'd be able to wrap his six foot 3 bodyguard around her finger. Then watches as Rae chuckles into her hand before giving Alberto a rather long hug. It's when she's finally next to Louis, does she beam at him. It only last until he takes her hand to help her onto the pod, does she looks a little apprehensive.

"Here's the thing," Rae starts, hesitating when Louis tries to guide her onto the pod first. "I've only ever been on this once. I was quite young then, so I may be little reluctant to be suspended in the air in a glass bubble."

Louis can't help but chuckle. He makes up for it by gently tucking her hair behind her ear, fingers lingering. He plays with her hair for a moment, then leans forward, placing a light kiss on her temple, and whispers in her ear. "It'll be alright. I won't anything happen to you." He pulls back, but not before he hears Rae's breath hitch in her throat. Her eyes are shinning bright; excitement, nerves, and what he thinks looks a lot like trust. Just to clarify. "Do you trust me?"

"Always." Rae answers immediately. 

Smiling, Louis gets on first, right arm stretched out behind him, fingers still entwined with Rae's. He gives a gentle tug, squeezing her hand, then Rae follows slowly. Once she's inside the pod, the doors closing behind her, she grips tight to his hand; even tighter when they begin to move. She turns her body in towards Louis' own, hiding her face in his neck.

"Shuddup." She mutters as he laughs.

His response is another gentle kiss to her head.

*

 

"Would you stop that!?" Rae scolds, reaching out, only for her fingers to barely graze the lapels of his blazer.

They been slowly rotating on the Eye for the past half hour, eating and chatting idly. The Eye makes it to the top, halting it's spinning for now. The night lights of London makes a beautiful and breathtaking backdrop, a little hazy from the rain still falling, and Louis is resting his back against the glass pod. He smiles wickedly, leaning more weight against the glass. He has the nerve to pop the last of his croissant in his mouth, just to spite her. Rae counters by throwing a blueberry from her danish at his forehead. 

"Louis, please. You're going to give me an aneurysm." This time Rae's nerves coat her voice.

"Sorry." He chuckles, allows Rae to reach forward again, grabbing his arm and tugging him towards her. His back is off the glass of the pod, but Rae looks a little more pale than before. "S'only dangerous if you lean against the doors."

"I don't care. Don't do that again." She throws another blueberry, harder this time. It hits his cheek. "Bloody menace. I bet you gave your mum about fifty heart attacks a day when you were young."

"Sixty." Louis beams. He drops his smile when Rae nervously tugs at her hair. "Okay, sorry. I won't do it again."

"Extremely high heights sort of terrifies me. I'd rather not have to scrape you off the pavement before tour, thanks."

Right. Tour. He knows she says it from the rumors she's heard; read. Louis has yet to tell her they're true; has yet to tell her he leaves Monday. He's pulled from his thought when he feels another small fruit hit his nose. For someone who seems as nervous as she does at the moment, her aim is spot on. He picks up the small blueberry that fell between his legs, flicking his wrist as he throws it back at her. Rae just catches it. As quick as the flash of her camera, or the lightening that races across the sky, she caught it that fast. Then throws it back, at him. He's rather impressed.

Louis laughs. "Would you stop that?"

"I hate blueberries." Rae states. "Why ruin my strawberry danish with blueberries."

Louis can't help but roll his eyes playfully. They fall on her camera bag a few feet away, so he abruptly crawls over to it, carefully opening and picking up her camera. Instead of crawling back, he stands up, readies the camera and snaps a picture of Rae; who pulls a silly face just in time. He sticks his tongue out at her, waits for her to finish the last of her danish, then holds his hand out again.

"Up you get, love." He smiles down at her, pulling her up once she takes his hand. He hands over the camera, and he's a little surprised when Rae leans in to place a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you." She whispers, then slowly, apprehensively steps closer to the glass.

Louis spends the next fifteen minutes just watching Rae move around the pod. He's pulled out his phone, setting up spotify for some soft background noise, accepting when Rae steals it from him to play A Fine Frenzy. He leans his arm back on the bench, a little mesmerized with the way Rae photographs; how she bends to get certain angles, how she braves her fear and actually steps on the bottom rail for another angle. How she can focus her camera out just enough for one object to come out sharper than the rest. The way she's able to capture the raindrops on the outside of the glass, glittering against the London city lights, and how she points her camera subtly to the right of Louis. He's not sure if she's snapping a photo of the opposite side of the city, or him. It's when he finally speaks does she tend to freeze up.

"How's Ronan been?" He questions, keeping his voice soft.

Once Rae recovers herself, she snaps one more picture, then sits next to Louis. "He's...doing." Is her response.

So, Louis nudges her elbow with his, silently, reminding her that he's here for her. Has been there for her since they've met. Rae just offers a little sad smile that makes his stomach twist anxiously.

"Erm, well," Rae sets her camera down, shifting closer to Louis. "They've been wanting to start him on a new type of chemotherapy. But it's so new, so no one is really sure the success rate of it. Chemo already exhausts him, and he's been getting more and more tired. Sometimes it takes longer for him to wake up, to come around and remember where he is. Or who we..who we are."

As she was speaking, her hand began twitching, and when it finally made it's way to her chest, Louis took hold of it. Squeezing her hand firmly. Now that she's paused, he plays with her fingers, traces his own finger along the shapes of her rings, of her tattoos on her wrist. He waits patiently, pressing his knee to hers, and locking his ankle with her own. Rae squeezes his fingers, as if she's reminding herself that he's there; literally right next to her, and continues.

"It's getting a little harder, I won't lie. I think mum knows it, feels it because she took the whole day off today, and tonight. She's spending the night with Ronan, and it makes me...makes me. I can't help to think that maybe shes got this bad feeling so she wants to spend as much time with him before he-"

"Raelyn, no." Louis cuts her off sharply. "Don't do that to yourself. Don't think like that. You- okay, breathe, deep breath." He has to pull her to his chest, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, and waits for her to calm herself. Thankfully, it doesn't take very long. "If you keep thinking like that you'll give yourself a horrible panic attack and Harry might not be around with his haler again. Then what?"

That prompts a laugh from Rae. "He'd be so put off."

"He would." Louis agrees. "Don't start giving up, because it sure as hell doesn't sound like Ronan is. He's a fighter, that one."

Rae nods and just- she just snuggles closer to him. Burying her face in his chest, her breath puffing warmly against his shirt. "I won't."

They sit there quietly, listening to the rain fall against the glass, and the soothing croon of the lyrics from the songs playing on the phone. They stay like that for a while; Louis holding Rae close to him, like he's the only thing keeping her together, suddenly realises that he has been keeping her together for some time now. Keeps her grounded when her mind starts to doubt herself, doubt her brother, the doctors. When it starts to spiral into a dark place and believes her nightmares. 

He suddenly, stubbornly, doesn't want to leave her here as he jets off to Paris. He wants to stay and comfort her, remind her to breathe when she can't. To chase those nightmares way and replace them with encouraging words, but he can't. He has to tell her he won't be able to do so for the next two weeks. He's so close to doing it. He needs to tell her. So he opens his mouth to speak, but closes it when Rae seems to be thinking along the same lines to say something as well.

"Have I ever truly thanked you?" Rae asks, her face still resting against his chest. As if the steady beat of his heart is soothing her. "Like properly thanked you for everything you've done for me? And the other lads. For everything."

"You know you don't need to thank me- us." Louis tells her. 

Rae shifts finally, pulling herself away to sit up. "I know. But I am."

Then she leans in, and for the first time, she starts the kiss. Just a soft press of her lips against his and he revels in it for a moment, before wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her just a bit closer. He moves his lips with hers slowly, trying to convey everything he feels for her through this kiss, doesn't feel the need to rush through it. So he just holds her securely, sneaks his free hand slowly up her arm, resting against the side of her neck, thumbing along her pulse there. He spends a bit just feeling how fast her pulse is racing against his finger, before sliding his hand up a little more. His fingers slipping through her dark hair, his thumb tracing along her cheek, slowly swiping back and forth.

Rae seems restless with her own hands, moving from Louis' wrists, to the lapels of his blazer. She finally rests one hand on his chest, as if she's trying to see if his heart rate matches hers. Her other hand is still going, feeling the stubble along his jawline with her fingers, to playing with the ends of his hair that he vaguely thinks he should cut. That is, until Rae keeps playing with his hair, and thinks, maybe not. She makes a small surprised noise when Louis braves it enough to trace her bottom lip with his tongue, like it tickles and the feeling caught her off guard. She becomes a little more pliant, allowing him to shift her around a little until he's able to support her waist as he lays her back against the bench. 

Louis has one knee on the cushioned seat between hers, and one toe on the floor, heel up in the air with his toes on the ground. It's the only way that won't automatically crush her with his own body weight, but he doesn't mind his position much. Especially when he traces the roof of her mouth with his tongue, and prompts a giggle out of her. It makes him smile in returns, both smiling a little too much for anything but the press of their lips together. Until Rae pulls him back again, and the playful atmosphere suddenly turns more passionate. 

Louis' heart is pounding, his blood flowing warmly through his body, but he just thinks it's due to the girl he's currently snogging, and doesn't ever want to let go. He has the abrupt urge to tell her he loves her. To confess he has fallen completely in love with her and he's not quite sure when that happened, but it did. He loves the colour of her eyes, the meaningful tattoos she has inked on her skin forever. Loves the way she laughs, how she sometimes covers her mouth with her hand. He's in love with her passion, how she throws all of herself into her photography, tries to convey the way she feels through her photos because that's the only way she seems to truly express herself. Loves the love she has for her brother, for her small family, how she will literally do anything to help; takes on their own emotions and ignore hers. How she so easily became friends with his mates, band mates, brothers. He loves when she get a little annoyed, a little angry at him when he pushes her. Loves that she doesn't hold back anymore when she's with him. 

The words are in the back of his throat, making their way to the tip of his tongue, and he's about to pull away, break their kiss and tell her, when the wheel suddenly lurches a little. The abrupt movement cause Louis' foot to slip, therefore making him tip sideways, falls off of Rae and onto the floor. The pod moves, the Eye beginning it's rotation once again, and Louis mentally curses the horrid timing because _of course_. He wants to apologise, but he can't, because Rae is full on laughing. Louis just looks over at her from his spot on the floor. She's laughing so hard she's holding her stomach with her arms, her eyes squeezed shut and mouth open in a gleeful laugh. Louis didn't think it was that funny, but if it makes Rae this excitable, this open and seemingly carefree for a moment, he'll take it. Watch her laugh every minute of everyday.

"Your face!" Rae squeals, literally squeals outs between her laugh. "Oh my god!"

Louis sits up, chuckling now because Rae has started laughing a little harder. Then, he reaches out and pushes her over the over side of the bench. She lands with a thud. It's silent for a split moment, before she starts laughing again. Louis just falls backwards onto the floor and laughs as well.

"I hate you." Rae chuckles from the other side, absolutely no heat behind her words.

"Mence." Louis says in response. Somehow, he's hit with a flying blueberry- again, after he thought they were all gone- and sees Rae pop up before he's momentarily blinded by the flash of her camera.

***

Driving on the way back to Rae's house, she can't stop giggling every now and then, and Louis is just so enamored. She was still laughing when they were safely back on the ground, laughing when Alberto gave them a questionable look. Laughed so hard when he playfully threatened to dropkick Louis to the ground if he did anything wrong to her, that she was doubled over in fits. He doesn't know who's worse about puns; her or Harry. However, her hand hasn't left Louis's since he pulled her away and got in the car.

When they pull up to her house, it's dark and her mother's car isn't there. He remembers she's staying the night at the hospital, and offers Rae if she's like some company. She agrees, and ends up making cups of tea for the both of them while watching a movie. Pitch Perfect is what Rae settles on first, signing along to each song and laughing and quoting the movie. Louis watches her more than he watches the movie. Her head is resting against his shoulder again and they catch another movie on the telly. When Rae is laying on his shoulder and falls asleep, so does his right arm, and he wants so bad to move it. It's tingling and it's numb, but she just looks so peaceful, so beautiful and calm that he just can't wake her up. He wants to stay, maybe shift a little so they're both lying on the sofa, and wake up with her in the morning, but he can't.

He's got to get up early for a meeting about promotion and whatever else he's not too concerned about at the moment. Louis gently and carefully, after waiting for the movie to finish despite his now noddle arm, slips it out from under Rae's head. He slowly lays her down, grabs the blanket on the back of the couch and covers her. He makes sure she's all nice and snuggled up, then finds a sticky note in the kitchen. He jots down a few words, and sticks it to her bag on the coffee table. If he takes out his own phone and snaps a quick picture of her sleeping, no one has to know. Louis leans down, kisses her forehead once, lingering just a little because she smells like rain and tea, and still the ever present coconut. He leaves through the backyard, with the door that locks before closing, and gets in his car.

Louis promptly ignores the nagging little fact that he never did tell her he's in love with her. He leaves in two days


	43. "Paris?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Certain events in this chapter are 100000% inspired by real life, living in a children's hospital for 2 1/2 months, events. Which goes to say there are general hospital related warnings in this chapter.

Rae wakes up to the sound of obnoxious buzzing. For a several moments she's confused, wonders why her neck is a little stiff. Blinking her eyes opens, she suddenly remembers her date with Louis, and falling asleep on the couch. When she reaches for her phone, she spots a yellow sticky note with his handwriting.

_Sorry love. Had to leave, meetings in the morning. You're cute when you're sleeping. -L_

Then she answers her phone, her smile slipping off her face when she hears the tears in her mothers voice. Rae's off the couch in a flash, racing upstairs to grab her phone charger and keys, before rushing out the door. Not even noticing she's in the same outfit as the night before; not as if she'd care about that at the moment.

When Rae arrives at the Hospice, she parks haphazardly, having to squeeze herself between her door and the car next to her. She barely greets the nurse at the lobby desk in her rush to get to the lifts. Which seem to take their sweet, agonizing time. Once she's in the lift, she jams her finger on the fifth floor button, then repeatedly stabs at the 'close doors' button. Mumbling curses under her breathe when it still takes it's time. It's strange, having to go to a new floor and not the normal terminally ill one. Different having to actually wait outside the doors and call in to the ward to be buzzed in. She reaches the new room, after following the signs down the long hallway. She has to mentally calm herself, inhales deeply, counting backwards in her head. Then she quietly opens the door. 

Her mother is sitting in an armchair next to Ronan's bed, a book in her lap. She isn't reading though, Rae notices. Her eyes are staring blankly at the page in front of her. She looks up when she hears Rae, and offers a small smile. 

"Is he-?" Rae begins to ask, but her mum nods.

"He's stable. Had a bit of a scare. Had no choice but to move him to ICU." MaryAnn informs her, closing the book and setting it on the bedside table. "Mainly for precautions."

"I don't understand. What happened?"

Her mother sighs, long and weary, it sounds like years of exhaustion and fear. "He just..collapsed. On the way to the playroom, he said his leg was hurting and just fell down. They're monitoring his vitals constantly now, he's been running a low fever since last night, and his heart rate is above normal."

"Do you think he could have another seizure?" Rae questions anxiously, pressing her hand to her chest. She pulls it away when she notices her mother eye the same hand.

"Not sure. They're watching him closely though. He did have a chemo session today, but they're holding off for a few more hours."

Rae nods, and makes sure she avoids looking at her brother too hard. Instead she gives her mother a long hug. "Go home, mum. Get some sleep. I can stay here."

"Are you sure, darling? I don't mind." Her mum smiles, pulling back and brushing her fingers through Rae's messy hair. 

"I'll be fine, mum." Rae assures her.

"Alright then. How was your date?" MaryAnn questions, quietly gathering her things.

Rae bites back a genuine smile. "It was great...and wet. Since it rained most of the time. He's so lovely, mum."

MaryAnn smiles again and Rae can see how exhausted she is. Her clothes from the night before are wrinkled in places and her makeup is smeared around her eyes. Her eyelids a little swollen from previous shed tears.

"I'm glad you had a good time. I'll bring you clean clothes after I take a nap." MaryAnn promises.

Raelyn watches her from the corner of her eye as she bends over a sleeping Ronan, murmuring something, then kisses his forehead and cheeks. She gives the same kisses to Rae, hugging her once more, thanking her.

"No rush, mummy. Just rest, yeah? Maybe call Jasper for lunch or something?" Rae smiles, boldly winking.

MaryAnn just playfully hip checks her daughter in response. 

***

Ronan wakes up an hour later when Rae is half asleep, curled up in the new armchair the room provides. She's startled back to full consciousnesses when Ronan gasps and begins coughing uncontrollably. Rae rushes over to him, careful of the wires he's hooked up too, forcing him to sit up and lightly thumps on his back. His face is turning red, tears filling his blue eyes, sputtering and choking. Suddenly, Ronan is throwing up, deep red liquid that runs down his chin and onto Rae's arms, soaking into the edges of her sleeves. Rae panics.

She leans over to hit the on-call button without letting go of her brother at the same time. They respond quickly, rushing in and immediately assessing the situation, and using a small air vacuum tube behind the bed, sticking it in Ronan's mouth and sucking out what he's choking on. Once they get Ronan's airwaves unblocked, they begin to clean him up. It's turns out he threw up some of the medicine he was given the morning before Rae arrived, and more terrifyingly, the deep red was old blood having built up in his stomach. As much as Rae can feel the clenching in her chest, the mess of anxious fear twisting in her stomach, she ignores it, because Ronan is crying.

"It hurts, it hurts!" He's rasps, sobbing into Rae's chest, clutching -weakly- at her dress sleeves. He cries more then when nurses change his clothes into a gown. 

He keeps rubbing at his throat and Rae looks up helplessly at one of the nurses. She explains how the medicine (which she informs her is alcohol based) with the acid reflex more than burnt his throat coming up, then turns to the sink to grab Ronan a cup of water. One of the nurses physically has to drag Raelyn away, and make her wash her hands and arms in the sink. She's glad, in a dark humorless, ironic way, that her dress is the same colour as the vomit. She doesn't know if she can handling seeing it stain any other colour. After the siblings are both cleaned up, Rae does the only thing she can think of besides encouraging words; she sings to him. Sings until his tears have subsided, and the burn in his throat fades. Sings a made up song as the nurses try to get him to eat. He refuses, pushing the spoon away from his mouth.

Ronan shakes his head, pouting. "M'tummy hurts." He finally and only, after an hour of trying, eats when Rae takes a bite. So she takes small nibbles of yogurt and feeds her brother the rest.

She sings when he cries again, missing his friends on the old floor. Sings when more nurses come in, along with someone fully dressed in a surgical gown. The hematology nurse is just drawing blood for tests , but it terrifies Ronan, causing his heart rate to skyrocket and setting alarms on the machines off. Loud constant beeps that Rae tries to sing over. She sings songs about somewhere over rainbows and of vegetables singing silly songs about lips. 

_"If my lips said adios, I don't like you  
I think you're gross, that's be too bad, I might get mad."_

The last one makes Ronan giggle, and his blood is drawn and the scary nurse leaves the room, smiling sadly. Rae has to pause when Ronan tells her he has to go to the loo. He needs help getting on his feet, and slowly takes the few steps it takes to get to the door in the same room. He's holding on to Rae's hand, and once they reach the door, Rae asks if he needs help.

"No, Ra-Ra! I'm a big boy!" Ronan beams up at her. Wide blue eyes the colour of innocence.

He's smiling now, but Rae remembers just two hours ago, and it's kind of scary to think of that crying boy in pain as the same one. So, Rae sings the potty song she made up for him two years ago. Ronan giggles again, shouting through the door that he no longer needs it. However, when Rae stops singing it, Ronan is calling her name, begging her to sing it again. Rae sings when Ronan's vitals are being taken, and during this, he begins requesting songs.

"The one where One Dertenttion sounds pretty." Ronan smiles, then pouts when a nurse put on the armband to check his blood pressure.

Rae laughs. "Direction, Bud, and of course. That one! How silly of me to forget." She pokes his nose, distracting him from the cuff.

"Silly." He repeats. "The one where you said Louis sounds the prettiest, Ra-Ra. That one."

"I think he always sounds pretty." Rae mutters. "But...erm..."

Ronan taps her hand, then points at the cup of tea she got early, sitting on the bedside table. She smiles in acknowledgment, then begins singing Little Things to him; it's his favorite song. She sings to distract him from the tight squeezing of the cuff. Continues to sing when they change his IV bag, and put in a new needle since the hand it was previously in became swollen. She still sings even when he's curled up in her arms, snuggled up on his side, falling asleep to the lyrics flowing soothingly from her mouth.

Ronan's been asleep for the past hour when Rae absolutely (even though she would love to stay next to her brother cuddled up) has to move. Her throat is a little raw from singing for hours, and she's quite hungry; plus she's had to use the toilet for the past hour. So slowly, as quietly as she can, slips her arm out from under Ronan, and rolls over until she- ungracefully -lands on the floor. She dubs herself the ninja master of slipping away from sleeping brothers when all Ronan does is sniffle. Rae, feeling a little bad, takes the dinosaur toy she gave him several months back and puts it under his arm.

She uses the bathroom, then checks her phone, blinking in surprise at the eight missed called, and fifteen text messages. It's a good thing she's in Ronan's room, can physically see that he's peacefully sleeping. Otherwise she'd be having a panic attack, nails digging into her skin and all. Only one text is from her mother, explaining she had a good nap and is now having a nice lunch with Jasper. Rae smiles at that, then checks to see that most of the calls and texts are from Louis. She suddenly, sort of, regrets keeping her phone on silent; almost. Rae sneaks quietly out of Ronan's room, turning and nearly bumping into a nurse about to go in.

"Please," Rae pleads softly, "please don't wake him up. He needs to sleep, but could you call my phone when he does wakes up?"

The nurse, Ryan, looks at her confused for a moment, before smiling. "I can do that. I was actually coming to tell you that Ronan could possibly be moved back to the seventh floor today. If his vitals stay consistent."

"Really?" Rae asks excitedly, remembering to keep her voice down.

"S'what his doctor told us. The medicine just didn't sit well with his stomach, and it looks like his fever is going down." Ryan answers. He takes Rae's number when she give it to him, waving as she makes her way out through the doors.

Rae reaches the lift area, then finds a spot by the large window against the wall. She sits on the bench, dialing back one of Louis' many missed calls. Briefly, she wonders if he's alright, what brought him to call her that many times; even just after seeing her not twenty hours ago. Maybe someone found out about their date last night and he was calling to warn her. Rae frowns, really hoping that isn't the case, she can't deal with another rouge paparazzo now. Before she can come up with any more options, Louis answers.

"Raelyn! Are you alright, love? Is Ronan okay? I don't know where you are." He's spouting frantically, sounding a little breathless even.

"Louis- what?" Rae questions in confusion. "What are you talking about? 

"We got here and Ronan wasn't in his room, and you weren't there and you weren't answering my calls or texts, so I thought-"

It dawns on Rae quickly, her mouth opening in a small _oh_ when she realizes what he thought. Instantly she feels bad for making him even think that's what happened. "No, Louis no. He's okay, he's fine. Or actually, he's better. I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were coming today, I would've told you. Ronan had some complications last night. He was moved to ICU for the night. I'll explain more when I see you. But he's fine. I'm fi- well, Ronan's okay."

She hears Louis sigh in relief, then he relays the information back to whoever he's with. She's assuming it's the other four boys, probably all just as worried as Louis. His words are muffled a little, as if he took the phone away from his mouth, holding his hand over the mouthpiece. 

"That's good. We're glad to hear that." Louis sighs again. "I may have given meself a proper scare there. My mind just jumped..."

Rae stands when she sees the lifts open, walking over and getting inside. "I would have told you if-"

"I know, Rae. You don't have to say it- I'm sorry."

Rae rolls her eyes, pressing the button to the 7th floor, because Louis has no reason to be sorry. "I'm the one who's sorry. Didn't mean to wig you out. Are you still there? I'm coming up."

"Still here, yeah." There's a bit of commotion on his side, and she has to pull her phone away when there's a shout. Then-

"Raelyn! Are you hungry!? Please say you're hungry because I've been starving over 'ere and these pricks are just letting me waste away. Even if they don't want food, I want food. Do you want food? We'll get food together. Make Lou real jealous, because you obviously like me better."

Rae is laughing, bright and loud and it startles the only person in the lift with her; an older woman with a visitor's pass. The woman quickly exists the lift when it reaches the sixth floor. "Niall, you are my absolute favourite, you know that. I'd love to get some food with you."

"D'ya 'ear that!?" Niall is shouting again. Rae figures they're outside the actual ward, otherwise they'd be kicked out due to disturbing patients. "She says I'm her favourite, and better than all of you and thinks I'm prettier than Louis. Ha! She likes me better."

Rae scoffs."'Course you're prettier."

"Well, Zayn is prettier than everyone."

Rae agrees. The lift comes to the seventh floor, and when the doors open, she's immediately met with five beaming faces. Well, four, considering Louis is scowling at Niall. Rae laughs again, hanging up and sliding her phone in her boot. Her dress as no pockets; shame, dresses should have pockets. She doesn't even get off, for they all come into the lift. Niall greets her with a sloppy, big kiss on her cheek. Smacking his lips against her skin, then smushes his face against hers, hugging her tightly. He doesn't let go, and she's rather glad about that. She hasn't let herself think too hard on why Ronan ended in the ICU in the first place. Niall is a very welcoming distraction.

"Have you not changed?" Louis is asking, scowl gone, replaced with concern. "What's that on your sleeve?"

Niall makes to pull away, but Rae tightens her arm around his waist and keeps him there. "Erm...I kinda rushed here in the morning."

Rae shrugs, Niall's arm moving with the motion. She hasn't really taken a good look at herself, and frankly she would rather not. She knows her makeup is probably smeared, and her hair is messy and tangled. Her clothes are possibly wrinkled in several places, one of her boots is scrunched lower than the other. Even though the vomit was the same shade as her dress, it still left dark stains around the edges, and if she were to sniff it, it'd probably, most likely will smell of stomach acid and medicine. 

Sheepishly, Rae looks down at her feet, and plays with the frays of Niall's bracelet. "Didn't have time to change. And don't ask what's on my sleeve. Water, yeah. Just water."

Niall, the strange boy he can be some times, pinches said fabric between his thumb and forefinger. Rae looks at him, slightly appalled when he lifts his fingers to his nose and sniffs. All Niall gives away is a blink of his eyes, smiles down at Rae and says-

"Just water, mate."

Rae beams at him. She can feel her cheeks scrunching up her eyes and she suddenly has this burst of affection for Niall, blooming inside her chest where it takes over the pain from earlier. When she looks back at Louis, she knows he knows they're lying, going by the skeptical look in his eyes. However, he just accepts it, then loudly announces they're going to a sushi place down the street.

"Actually," Rae begins tentatively, "could we maybe, just stay here?"

"Well, we are. Literally." Liam says, motioning towards the unlit floor buttons. It's true. That lift hasn't moved an inch, beside the doors sliding shut.

Rae pokes her tongue out. "Sorry. I'm just waiting for a call. Ronan's sleeping right now. I just want to be near when he wakes up."

"That's fine with us, Rae." Harry tells her. He reaches forward, trying to tuck stray hairs back in her braid. Or, what's left of the braid, it's so messy.

Zayn silently agrees by nodding, followed by murmurs of the same. Louis just stares at her. Has been staring at her since they got on the lift, and Rae can't keep eye contact for long. She knows, for sure now, that he knows she's not just lying about her sleeves. He probably knows she's barely holding it together right now. Knows how much she wants to press her hand to her chest to try and stop the pain there. How she just wish she can stick her hand through her skin and bones, grab her heart and squeeze until veins tangle around her fingers and the sporadic pain fades away.

"My treat." Is all Louis tells her, then finally hits the lobby floor button.

***

An hour later, Rae gets the call that Ronan has woken up. They've finished eating lunch at that time, but Rae still gets up so quickly that she nearly knocks the table filled with their trays and rubbish over. She rushes out a quick apology, and speed walks out of the cafeteria. She doesn't realise anyone has followed until she steps inside the lift, and really, she should have expected it. Rae sort of just, deflates, like the small act of being completely fine she was putting on was too much for her, so she just presses her arm against Louis', back of her hand brushing his.

"That's not water on your sleeves, is it?" Louis questions, or rather, states.

"No." Rae confirms, shaking her head.

Louis takes her hand, interlocking their fingers together and squeezes once. Rae is tired. Tried and scared and she smells a little like vomit, medicine and antiseptic. They're alone in the lift, pressed against each other sides, her hand held tightly in Louis', the warmth of his skin spreading to hers. Like it's a blanket of comfort just pulled from the dyer and Louis is the one to lay it over her, to tuck her in and keep her safe. So Rae removes her metaphorical mask, throws it away so only Louis can see (and has been seeing, all of her, raw and open, for the past several months since the first crack he made). She rests her head on his shoulder, her eyes falling shut and breathing in his smell of rain, subtle spicy musk and cotton. She feels when Louis presses his lips to the top of her head, and she tries not to think of how her hair may smell-hopefully like rain from the previous night- and smiles to herself.

It's quiet and cold, but it's nice. She welcomes the absence of screaming machines that beep and signal emergencies coming from different rooms in the ICU. The insistent, obnoxious sound of the seizure alarms, and the smaller rhythmic sounds of heart rate and oxygen machines. Welcomes the absent sounds of running footsteps, cries of pain; cries of loss. Rae doesn't realise how hard she's squeezing Louis' hand until she feels his lips grazing the ear not on his shoulder.

"Shhh, Raelyn. You're alright. It's okay." Louis coos, repeats to her and holds her hand and with both of his. "M'right here for you, love."

"Don't leave me." She says softly. Her voice sounds small and she hates its. She also missed the way Louis sounds like he caught the air in his throat.

 

Ronan is wide awake when they get back to his room, and he smiles like the sun when he sees Louis. He looks a littler better, the colour returning to his face and his eyes a little more alert. Rae kisses his cheeks, nose, forehead, top of his bald head, then a small peck on his lips, and Ronan giggles. Demands that Louis does the same.

"If you don't pay me in k-kisses then you can't have my Iron Man page." Ronan threatens. Crosses his arms and turns his nose up. It's ruined when he peaks at Louis from the corner of his eye.

"Excuse me!" Rae says affronted. "Iron Man is mine. I called dibs, remember."

"Oops!" Ronan laughs, coughs for a bit, then continues to laugh.

Rae unintentionally lifts her hands, waiting with bated breath until he settles down again. He's fine, given the way he's still laughing when Louis pays his dues, but Louis catches her eye and shoots her a look. He just _knows_. She mouths _later_ to him, noticing one of the ICU doctors and nurses coming into the room. They give the clear for Ronan to be transferred back to his original floor, but Rae's pulled aside and given extra precautions. The doctor, Telepeck is her surname, tells her that although Ronan's vitals are normal once more, there's a good change of them being abnormal again and that the weakness and pain he felt will most likely spread to his other limbs.

As she listens, she can feel her hand pressing roughly into her chest, rubbing the material against her skin. Telepeck questions if she's alright, and Rae once again wishes dresses had pockets so she can shove her hands in them. She assures she's fine and tells her to continue. It's a long list of things; warnings and percentage of chances and with a sad smile, Telepeck tries to sound hopeful and tells her if she or her family need anything else to call her. Rae thanks her, then joins Louis gathering the things her mother brought when Ronan moved.

The transfer only takes thirty minutes, and Ronan's given a warm welcome back by all the nurses on the day shift. There's Jackie at the desk, and Tammy who's usually one of the night nurses. Greg, who is the sweetest, nicest person she has ever had the pleasure meeting. Alissa, both Jessica's, Janice, Lindsay, Mark, and Maria. Rae sometimes forgets how invested all the nurses are to every single patient they have. That they all love them, as hard as they try not too, very much. One by one, they come in and entertain Ronan. During which MaryAnn shows up again and gives Rae new clothes; finally. She changes into a clean pair of jeans and blue tee shirt and flats, so simple and so much better than the day old outfit with stains.

Rae refuses to go home, tries to make her mother go instead, but like mother like daughter. MaryAnn is pulled into a meeting with Doctor Ramsy anyway, and Ronan takes another nap, as well as Rae. She doesn't mean to fall asleep, but the short pullout couch has been cleared off when Ronan moved, and is now empty and inviting. Louis has been sitting on it while Rae sang her brother to sleep once more. Now she looks over at him, a wave of exhaustion crashing over her and she sort of, stumbles towards Louis. He catches her waist, her feet on his toes, and he smiles up at her. Rae apologetically smiles back then folds herself into the space between the arm of the seat and Louis. It turns out to be a tight fit, so she stretches her legs over Louis' lap and settles her head on the spot on his chest.

She can almost literally feel the question burning on the tip of Louis' tongue, can feel it when he inhales quietly, feels it with his fingers curling around hers. It's been a long day already, and the sun hasn't even set yet. Rae's not entirely sure if she's prepared to tell Louis what moving to the ICU meant; what the precautions and warnings Telepeck gave her means. What the meeting with her mum and Doctor Ramsy means. What is all could possibly mean, and if she answers Louis' question, it means she has to start coming to terms with it herself.

"Raelyn." Louis begins quietly.

"No." Rae pouts, turning her face into his shirt.

Louis rubs soothing circles between her shoulder blades, chuckling. "I know, babe. Please?"

Sighing, Rae forces herself to sit up, but keeps her legs over his lap. "Mum said he was complaining that his leg with hurting, and he fell while walking. Weakness in the leg is part of- erm- the Neuroblastoma. Or rather, a later stage of it. It can eventually spread through bones and- yeah. So he just fell and I guess his heart rate dropped and he suddenly had a fever and they had to move him into ICU because of it. They monitor his vitals up here, but ICU watches them around the clock. He's had a seizure before and cause of that can be a high fever. So they moved him there just to make sure he got the care he needed."

Unconsciously, Rae brings her hand to her chest, digging her nails and fingertips into her now exposed skin. She gets away with it for several moments, for Louis isn't looking at her, but at Ronan, frowning. When he does look back at her, he immediately grabs both hands, holding them tightly. She smiles gratefully and continues.

"The ICU doctor was telling me the chances of it spreading to his other leg are pretty high, and that Ronan's vitals might be inconsistent again. It was so scary Louis. Watching how high his heart rate got. 230. It got up to 230 at one point, and then he threw up medicine and old blood and he was choking on it. Choking. He couldn't breathe and all I could do was try to hold him up and watch his face- it was so red. Turned so incredible red and they used this air sucker thing to clear it out. Then he started crying and machines were beeping and it was loud and he said his stomach hurt. He wouldn't eat for a while-couldn't- I don't know. He's been so tired- and he didn't sleep well last night and I'm so fucking terrified."

"Rae, Rae look at me. Deep breathes, love, remember?" Louis is coaching, because Rae has mildly started to hyperventilate.

Rae just shakes her head. "No, Louis. Let me- I have to tell you how bloody scared I am. Because I don't know. I don't if this is it, if like Ronan will- he's sleeping. But like- what if he can't get up or walk or eat or sleep and what if singing doesn't help him and what if his fever gets high again or his heart rate, or he chokes and I'm not there for his blood to soak into me shirt, and what if-"

Rae's cut off, and it's not by words but Louis' lips. Which. Okay. That's one way of interrupting someone, and it's nice. Or should be nice, the feel of his lips against hers, firm and sort of bruising because he did it so quickly. Rae should just shut up and enjoy it, should just hand her mind and panic attacks to Louis and trust him like she's been trusting him all this time. However, she can't seem to catch her breath properly, like kissing gives it to you anyway, but suddenly she's gasping against Louis' mouth and pulling away.

"Oh god, sorry, sorry. Should have thought that through." Louis apologises frantically.

"No, it's alright." Rae inhales deeply, counts in her head up until six and stops. "Better, see? Can breathe now. Sorry."

Louis releases one of her hands to run his through her hair, the hopeless braid long gone. "You can't just think like that, Rae. Can't end up giving yourself a panic attack that leaves you out of commission. Ronan'll be the one to sing you to sleep then."

Rae smiles at that. "I think I'm just really tired. Hadn't had coffee or tea or even just took a break really."

Louis nods, then shifts Rae around a little, pulling her closer to his chest. She's nearly on his lap now, and he places his hand over her chest, like he's blocking any assault her hand will cause. "Don't ever lose hope for you brother, love. He's been a fighter and if he's anything like his sister-"

Rae ducks her head down shyly. She glances over at Ronan, still sleeping soundlessly, beanie back on his head and a new stuff animal Zayn gave to him curled in his arm. "I love him so much, Louis."

"I don't ever doubt that, Rae. He loves you just the same." He kisses her forehead, then sort of leans her over as he reaches for a pillow. 

The movement startles Rae, clutching tight to Louis' shirt as he grabs one of the neatly folded blankets as well. "Are you tucking me in?" 

Louis just smiles, placing the pillow against the arm of the couch and the blanket over her legs. He makes her lie back, playfully pushing her down. Rae sticks out her tongue, Louis licks her nose. Rae can feel her nose scrunch up and retaliates by flicking his ear. Once Louis seems to get her to stay still, he leans down, forehead against hers, and she hope he can't hear the way her breath stops in her throat.

"Sleep now, I've got you." Louis whispers, lips grazing over hers. 

There's this undeniable warmth blooming from Rae's chest, spreading throughout her body, reaching every limb, every finger tip, down to her toes. It's soothing and nice, tingling, electric and feels like hot coca after a snowy day. Like a fluffy blanket, coffee in the morning and tea at night; like a fireplace warming everything within it's vicinity. It's a warmth that comes directly from Louis, from his beautiful, deep blue eyes, with little specks of greens and darker blues, like the hotter embers that burn at the bottom of a flame. Louis buries his fingers in the roots of her hair, gently massaging her scalp, as if he knows she's had a headache since she got the call from her mother. It feels like inexplicable trust, comfort, friendship, _love_ , and Raelyn is suddenly so awake with that last one. Her heart is beating rapidly, and she's trying not to think about it, so she presses her lips more firmly against Louis'.

Ronan makes a soft snore, but for a second Rae pulls back thinking he woke. He doesn't move or sit up up, so she settles back against the couch seat, brushing Louis' hair across his forehead. "Could you sing to me please?" She requests shyly.

"Of course, Rae. It's not like it's my job or anything." Louis teases and winks.

Rae rolls her eyes, places her hand atop his still on that spot on her chest and closes her eyes. When Louis' on the second verse of the second Ed Sheeran song he's singing, lowly as not to wake Ronan, Rae begins to fall asleep. Lets the pull of her dreams wash over her mind, and falls asleep between the lines _Settle down with me, and I'll be your safety, you'll be my lady_ and _I was made to keep your body warm_.

 

***

"Then I could be Iron Man 'cause he has a cool suit and then you can be Captain 'Merica and we can still be friends!" Ronan tells Liam like this is the breaking news story of the day.

"Why not Captain Britain?" Liam asks him, all while helping Ronan build legos.

Olivia giggles from where her and Harry are braiding Rae's hair, and says, "Because, silly! There is not a Captain Britain. Just 'Merica."

"Oh how silly of me to forget." Liam lightly smacks himself on his forehead.

Ronan smacks his own hand against Liam's head, but Rae notices the slight furrow to her brothers brow. "Ow."

It's a small pout, and Rae sits up a straighter, forgets the fingers pulling at her hair and tugs. "Ouch! Shi-itake mushrooms."

Harry snorts from behind her. "S'what you get for moving, bugger."

Rae attempts to swat behind her head at Harry's arm, only coming up with laughter at her failure. Instead, she sits still, watching while Liam looks over her brother hand, kisses it, double checks to make sure he's okay, then hands him another piece of lego. When she woke up two hours after she'd fallen asleep. Had woke to Ronan's cries of pain in his leg (again), she gave Louis permission to tell the other boys. Now they're in the playroom with Ronan, Olivia, Tony and a new four year old name Angie. She's quiet and shy, but has taken an automatic liking to Niall when he gave her a plastic flower from the fake flower pot. Louis had stepped out to chat with Zayn, and when Rae looks over to the window, they're still out there. Talking with their heads close together and a frown on Louis' face, lips pulled down at the corner.

"RaeRae, stop moving!" Olivia scolds, "You'll messy up your hair."

"Yeah, RaeRae." Harry agrees, but he leans down to whisper in her ear. "He's just worried."

"About what?" Rae inquires quietly. 

Somehow Olivia can tell from their low voices it isn't a conversation for her, so she hops down from next to Harry. She lovingly pats his thigh, then Rae's head, says "pretty princess." Then walks over to join Ronan, who now is sharing legos with Tony.

"S'not about Ro, is it?" Rae asks again.

Harry remains silent until he finishes the braid, fastening the end with the hair tie around his wrist. He slides off the chair, plopping himself next to her, shaking his head. He glances towards the door for a moment, then smiles back at Rae. It's a strange smile, like he knows something he's not allowed to tell anyone yet. Almost guilty, even.

"About you." Harry finally answers, poking her nose. "He's become quite fond of you, if you haven't noticed."

"I think I'm quite fond of him too." Rae mutters, trying to hide her smile.

"I think you're in love with him-" Harry bluntly states, but still quiet enough for her ears only. Rae opens her mouth to protest, or scold or anything, but Harry continues quickly. "But that's another story for another day. All I'm going to say that if he erm...tells you something. To just not be angry? That's what he's worried about. That you'll be angry with him due to short notice. And well, he worries about you because of-" Harry waves his hand in the direction of Ronan.

Rae sighs. "You know this isn't his thing to deal with. You lads don't have to take on anything, you should all know that. You've done so much not just for this Hospice, but for my family. Jesus Christ, don't you remember the money you all selflessly gave us? Taking on my worries, my fears, isn't his job. Or yours."

Harry hums in disagreement. "The second we became friends, the second Louis started caring for you, for Ronan, is the second we _wanted_ to help. To take, not take it all, but make it a little bit easier for your family. Also, speaking of money, I gave your mum another check."

Rae fish mouths a few times. "I'm ignoring that for now, you absolute saint. But why-" she pauses. She looks over at Ronan now on Liam's lap, then to Louis still outside the door. "Why us? Why me? There's a whole Hospice full of other kids, other families. I'm no more special than anyone else here."

Harry fully turns his body to face her. He takes her hands in his, gold sprinkled green eyes like pixie dust, looking her straight into hers. "Because you're the one he fell for." He says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. 

She wants to say something, anything along the lines of that still not being a good reason for them to do what they've all been doing. For what Louis has done for her, but her words remain in her throat, and there's commotion to her right that catches her eye. Ronan had hopped down from Liam's legs, which would be nothing abnormal, if it weren't for her brother wobbling on his feet. Liam holds him steady, questions if he's alright, if anything hurts, but Ronan shakes his head. However, there's a confused pout on his small lips, looking back up at Liam.

Rae watches. Watches as her little bother takes one step forward, then other, just out of Liam's hands. The third step he takes is the moment fear seizes around Raelyn's heart. Ronan falls; just drops to the floor like an anvil. Liam quickly scoops him up, checking over his legs and the hands he landed on. Ronan's bottom lip wobbles a little, but Niall who also saw the fall gets his attention. Niall pulls a funny face, which makes Ronan giggle and copy him, crossing his eyes for a moment. Liam finishes checking Ronan, double checks to make sure nothing is hurting. Ronan shakes his head, but keeps rubbing at his leg. Liam looks up, catching Rae's eyes. 

"Rae. Raelyn." Harry's attempting to get her attention, tugging on her hands. Finally she tears her eyes away, looking back at Harry who's grimacing. "You've got quite the grip there."

When she looks down at their hands, Harry's fingertips are white, squeezed to hard by her own hands. She pulls her hands back like she touched fire, then notices her fingers trembling. Rae shifts her eyes over to her brother again, still being entertained by Niall and Liam.

"I need to talk to the doctor." Rae finally speaks, looking back at Harry. "That-that isn't normal. Harry he's not..."

"Alright, it's alright. Hey, none of that, Rae." Harry says, quickly pulling her hand away from her chest when she attempts to claw at it. "Let's take Ronan back. I'll go with you, okay?"

Rae nods and allows Harry to help her up. She waits by the door while Harry carefully gathers Ronan in his arms from Liam. Someone's waving at her on the other side of the window, and she ignores it until they softly tap against the glass. Louis is staring at her, concern written all over his face, etched deep into the colours of his eyes. Rae shakes her head, doesn't open the door until Harry meets her, holds it open for him, then follows.

"Ra," Ronan sniffles into Harry's shoulder. "M'leg and tummy hurt."

"I know, sweetie bug." Rae says softly, bending over to kiss his knee. "Want Harry and I to take you back?"

Ronan nods, holding out his hand for Rae's own. His small fingers clasp around four of hers, chilly skin against warmth. Rae frowns, but motions for Harry to lead the way. They make it half way to his room when Ronan falls asleep on Harry's shoulder, and Rae helps Harry tuck her brother in bed when they do reach Ronan's room. She entrust her sleeping brother to him, Louis and Zayn who both had been following and goes to find Dr. Ramsy.

***

"It's not as bad as it sounds?" Louis says optimistically, thought it sounds more like a question.

"He can hardly fucking walk, Lou! They gave him a bloody walker, which he can hardly use anyway!" Rae snaps, then realises this is Louis she's talking too, and deflates. "Sorry. It's just. Louis, you didn't see him fall, and Liam...I've never seen so scared like that. I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now. It's too much, and I'm tired and I just picked up another double shift tonight."

"Raelyn-" Louis reprimands, but Rae cuts him off.

"I have too. Ronan's got a new type of treatment and we'll need extra money and I swear to God if we get anymore checks from any of you, I will personally shove it up your arses."

"Well," Huffs Louis, crossing his arms. "That's not a very sanitary way of handling money, love. Might want to talk to your bank about that."

Rae literally smacks his thigh. "I hate you." She mutters. She just pushes Louis' face away when he shoots her a knowing smile, so wide it makes the corner of his eyes crinkle. She keeps her thumb on one corner, over the crinkles, then sighs. "Distract me. Tell me something I don't know, or like, do a hand stand."

Louis laughs brightly, taking her hand in his. He kisses the back of her hand, then leans over and smashes his lips against her cheek. It isn't soft, in fact, Rae isn't even sure it's considered a kiss. His chin is digging into her jawline, and his lips are making her cheek cave, her teeth accidentally biting the inside of her cheek. However, Rae doesn't move, because Louis makes her heart do the opposite it was doing earlier. When it suffocates, Louis gives it air, when it begins to clench, Louis unwinds it. When it feels like it's filled with nothing but little spikes slamming against the inside of her chest, Louis is there to cushion it. Always there to anchor it when it starts to float away.

"Me and the lads are going to Paris." Louis confesses, his lips moving against her cheek.

"Oh?" Rae questions lightly.

Louis lets up some pressure, but noses along her cheekbone. "We're leaving Sunday night."

Rae takes a minute to process that information. Her conversation with Harry makes sense now. "Oh." 

Louis sighs, pulling back. "We've got this album in the makes right, nearly finished. So we're going on a two week promotional tour for it. Play some shows, some TV appearances. We weren't suppose to leave until Monday, but Zayn told me our management moved it a day earlier."

"Oh." Rae says again, for lack of anything better. "That's...that's tomorrow."

"I'm sorry Rae, I really am. but-"

"Louis, there's no need to be sorry. It's your job, and you've all been on break for the past what, nearly a year? People miss you, y'know, your fans and what you do are important. It's alright. It's just fast. Really fast. Like...what if-"

She's cut off with Louis' hand over her mouth. "Love, if you start the 'what ifs' again, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm." 

Rae licks his hand, and Louis rolls his eyes playfully, but keeps it there until she reaches up and tangles their fingers together. She pulls his hand away, fiddling his with fingers and tracing the swirls that make up his fingerprints. She tries not to think of what could happen, hopefully doesn't happen. Trying to imagine how she did all of this without Louis before she met him. It was like she was just floating along; performing everyday routines and having to hide the marks on her chest from strangers, from her own family. She can't even remember the last time she had a welt mark her chest, or the last time she actually drew blood. Rae presses the palm of Louis' hand to her chest, just below her collarbones. 

"Your heart's beating a little fast." Louis whispers after a few moments. Rae nods in acknowledgement. "It's only for two weeks. We'll be back before you know it and-"

"What are we?" Rae interrupts abruptly. 

"Uh-what?" Louis frowns in bemusement.

"I was just wondering, what we are. Like, are we just dating or are we at the place where the girl waits by the window for her sweetheart to return, longing the days he'll be in her arms again."

Louis actually laughs at that. "First, there's no way in hell you would ever sit idly by a window waiting. I wouldn't want you to either. You're not a piner, darling."

"I could be!" Rae protests. She can't keep a straight face.

"Right, and Zayn can wake up ugly."

"Louis. Zayn and that horrid word do not belong in the sentence together."

"You Rae, are an absolute menace." Louis leans in, smacking a kiss to her cheek again. "And-" He hooks a finger under chin, tilting her head to face him straight on. He softly places his lips against hers, and Rae thinks the term _takes my breath away_ applies to kisses as soft and tender as this. Louis pulls away from her and continues."I'll just throw the word girlfriend out there. If you'll catch it...otherwise this is quite awkward."

"'If you'll catch it.'" Rae teases lightly. "That was really corny. I thought you had better than that." Louis glares at her, and Rae is pretty sure she now lives only to make him attempt a heated glare thrown her way. He's been failing. 

"Alright then." Rae says simply.

"Alright?" The smile spreading on Louis' lips is making his eyes crinkle again.

Rae leans in, pressing a quick kiss to Louis lips. "Alright."

"Thought you'd be angry, actually." Louis mumbles under his breath. Rae hears it anyway.

"Why?"

"Short notice."

The silence between them lasts much longer this time. Rae's mind filled with a jumbled webs of thoughts, all 'what ifs' and 'what'll happen'. She has her mum, she has her close friends, but two weeks without Louis, without the four other boys in the midst of Ronan's complications scares her. Terrifies her. But she's not selfish enough to voice her thoughts. Doesn't want Louis to apologise for something he's always dreamed of doing, a dream him and his best mates are living out. Rae forgets she's still pressing Louis' hand against her chest, and if he could feel how fast it was beating earlier, he can feel it jackhammer now. 

"Paris?" She inquires softly.

"Paris." Louis confirms.

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank for reading. This chapter was inspired by events I was apart of and events I had witnessed because of my nephew, who was only 7months at the time. The names of the nurses are inspired by the amazing team of nurses at the hospital I was living in and out of.


	44. Calm Before the Storm

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/156151105@N04/35432868402/in/dateposted-public/)

 

There's something about watching Raelyn work. Not her actual job though, where she's bustling around like a busy honey bee, serving hot coffee to customers in the early morning hours. That's when her brain seems to be only on one set mode; serve, smile, be friendly. That's when she makes small talk with regular customers, accepts generous tips with a gracious smile, and deals with rude people who think working in a diner is below them. She's different running around the diner for more than half the hours in a single day. But here, in the darkroom she calls her own, she's almost a completely new person.

Louis is sitting on a unoccupied workbench pushed against the far opposite wall, silently observing her. When Rae drove to his flat in the late morning, she tentatively asked him to join her in the dark room. He agreed, despite his messy bed head and crumpled joggers he slept in, and let her in. Both he and Harry, who came to greet her at the door, were shirtless at the time, every tattoo inked on their bodies on displayed. However, all Rae did was gently press her thumb onto the cross etched on Harry's hand asking if some day she could photograph each of their tattoos, including Zayn's. Harry offered to make her a quick breakfast, and when he left the two of them alone, Rae turned to Louis. He tried catching her eyes, tried reading what was wrong since she seemed off to him. But her eyes were glued to his chest, and just as she did to Harry, she had lifted her hand to Louis' chest, carefully tracing over the elegant letters beneath his collar bone.

Rae's been abnormally quite ever since. Never speaking louder than necessary, in fact, only speaking when Louis prompted her to. Now he's watching her move about with his eyebrows perturbed in a furrow. The concentration she has while developing photos seems serene. Her shoulders are relaxed in this moment, her movement graceful and easy. It's a routine for her she's got down to a tee, so easy and simple and Louis thinks she's this clam because it's her escape. It's the only place Rae feels like she can go to, to shut off her mind, her thoughts, the voices that scream doubts into her eardrums. Where she can turn it all off and move on autopilot.

He doesn't like it. Louis hates this strange tension in the air, like Rae's just on the verge of breaking if not approached carefully. She hasn't mentioned it yet, but Louis suspects the dark circles and the dimness of her eyes are due to another long, sleepless night at the Hospice. Louis can't help but watch her though. He can't move from his spot just yet; wants to give her just a little more time for her to calm herself mentally before he says anything. He watches her hang up another picture, making sure it's secure in the clothes pin before moving on.

It's a breathtaking photo; taken just a few days ago at the park. The way Rae had captured the setting sun between the tree trunks is incredible. Streaks of light and dark fill the photo like stripes on a tiger, makes it look hauntingly beautiful. When Louis squints, he can make out a silhouette just at the far right corner. He thinks it's Zayn, judging by the barely visible swirl of smoke rising into the air.

The next one she hangs up is of Niall, squeezed in one of the tree trunks crevasse. He's almost hidden away if not for the sun shinning on half of his face. Rae seemed to have played with the lighting of that day, using it to her advantage. Louis sees it in the next several photos she develops and hangs to dry; and they're all amazing. Louis actually thinks of using some of them in their album booklet, if their management allows it. He wonders if that's something Rae would allow herself; to have her beautiful photographs out there for anyone to see. Louis sees her pause for a moment, as if she's zoning out and thinks, not yet. He watches her pick up the tongs, noticing how it trembles in her hand slightly.

"Rae-" Louis finally decides to speak, but she cuts him off.

"Lou. Would you like to try?" Rae questions, a small smile ghosting her lips.

Sighing internally, Louis hops off the table, taking the tongs from her shaking hand. They ignore it. Instead he focuses on the photo in the tray, does everything Raelyn showed him last time, and carefully hangs it. She lets him do the next five photos, instructs him to carefully place them in the drying rack when they run out of room on the strings. There's one photo that makes Louis stop what he's doing, holding the top of the rack up in one hand, the photo in the other. He hasn't paid too close attention to it while it was developing, but now, it's beautiful.

"Oh," Rae comes up from behind him, voice soft as she hooks her chin over his shoulder. "Harry took that one. S'good, innit?"

Louis nods. He always knew Harry had a thing for photography as well, just with their job it's hard to actually dabble in other passions. The photo isn't just good, it's sort of breathtaking; or maybe Louis is a bit biased since the person in the picture is Rae. Maybe Harry asked for instructions on how to get the angle right, or lighting, or whatever thought process goes into photo taking.

Harry caught the same light Rae played with in different pictures, catching her eyes in a streak of sunlight. She's slightly hidden by two branches, decorating her skin in detailed shadowed patterns, few strands of her hair swooping over her forehead to the side of her face. She's beautiful, every bit of her, to the light freckles dusting her nose, to the deep pink bow of her lip. Her eyes are what captured Louis attention in the first place, standing out against the rest of the photo. That small drop of gold in her right eye is highlighted by the sun, glitters like pixie dust scattered over ocean waters. It enhances the rest of colours, the subtle greens, almost turquoises, and different shades of blues stand out, surrounded by a ring of sapphire. Bright and memorizing like looking through a kaleidoscope pointed at the sun.

Louis notices a major difference from the Rae standing behind him, to the one in the picture. The Rae frozen in time held in his hand, looks happier than she is now. He can see it in her eyes, can always see it when it comes to her. Her eyes are bright, having nothing to do with the sun, but all natural internal light. There's passion there, there's a quiet fondness while she posed for Harry; Louis can almost see her smile through her eyes. Now though, her eyes are dimmed, discoloured by recent events all surrounding her brother. Louis swallows, finally placing the photo on the rack, then closes the top.

Slowly, Louis turns to face her. Unexpectedly, Rae isn't meeting his eyes, in fact she's staring at what she can see of the rack just over his shoulder. He's having none of that today, not hours before he leaves for two weeks. He lifts his hands, gently holding Rae's face in his palms, moving her head slightly so she's focused on him.

"It's amazing." Louis tells her quietly. "Absolutely stunning."

"I'll let him know then." Rae says, not a drop of sarcasm in her voice.

"I meant you, Raelyn." Louis refrains from rolling his eyes. Instead, he just gently strokes his thumb beneath her eye, along her cheekbone, tracing over her lips. Rae presses her lips into his palm, then grabs his wrists with her hands, squeezing; anchor. 

"Ronan didn't get much sleep last night." She sighs against his skin, then pulls his hand away. "Could hardly get out of bed, really. Didn't want to eat anything because his stomach hurt too much. They only got halfway through his new chemotherapy session, but couldn't continue because his heart rate dropped."

Louis feels Rae's grip getting tighter and tighter. Can feel her shaking down to his own bones, and realises her grip is the alternative to her tearing at her chest.

"It dropped so low that the nurses were just about ready to use those electric paddle things. It came back up a minute later, but he couldn't sleep for some reason. Do you think he's scared?"

Louis kisses her forehead before responding. "I think," He begins slowly, "he's just confused. He's got no reason to be scared. Not with his amazing sister as his rock."

"Dirt rock, you mean." Rae belittles. "I feel like I'm about to fall apart. Maybe I just need sleep. Yeah, that's all."

"Raelyn-" Louis frowns.

Rae pulls away from his touch all together. "Louis, honestly. I'm exhausted, but it'll be fine." She actually gives him a genuine smile. "I shouldn't give you anything to worry about before you leave. Besides, talking it out with you makes me feel better."

Louis mulls her words over in his head for a few moments, narrowing his eyes at her. While he's doing this, Rae takes down a dry photo from another strand on the left wall. He studies her, decides she's at least telling half truths, then accepts the photo when she hands it to him.

"That's for you." She smiles sweetly at him. "I showed Ronan, but he wants you to have it. I've got an extra anyway. I always make copies of every photo."

Louis' throat tightens on tears when he sees the photo. He's holding Ronan in his arms, both laughing while he tickles the young boy. "I love him, you know. We all do."

"I know, Lou. He's hard not to love." Rae takes the photo back and puts it in a black folder. "Me mum and I love him most though. So don't get any ideas, sir."

"Wouldn't dare."

Rae takes down several other photos, some of each boy with Ronan. Others are a group photo, some with other children they've visited and a few while singing to her brother. She places them all in the folder, then hands it back to Louis. Abruptly, Rae grabs his face, pulls him down the two inches he has on her, and kisses him. It's quick, but soft, and when Rae pulls back she's laughing. Louis will take anything that makes the look in her eyes from earlier disappear.

 

They don't mean to take as long as they do in the dark room. Rae said she was only planning on being there for as long as developing her recent photos would take. Neither are to be blamed if they got sidetracked right when she finished. Louis was the one to take her camera out of her bag, expecting it to be her expensive one, and instead pulls out the Polaroid. The first picture he takes comes out dark, much to his disappointment, but it makes Rae laugh. She explains that they're no more photos being develop, that it's now alright to turn on the light. 

However, he likes how she looks in the soft red lighting, places the camera back in her bag, and grabs her hand before she can switch on the light. Louis pulls her back a bit too hard, so his suave, smooth kiss he was attempting ends a little painfully. Their lips bump together, teeth clicking, and Rae tripping over his foot. She's laughing again, bright and loud in the small room while Louis steadies her. It's such a contrast to how she was just two hours earlier. She's still laughing when he tugs her in again, attempting to kiss her but her giggles are tickling his lips, so he groans. Then bends to hoist her up by her thighs, twisting around and supporting her back against the wall.

It's a quick movement, Louis gaining some of that swag he was trying to achieve earlier, earning a surprised gasp from Rae. She looks levelly at him, intrigue eyebrow raised, seemingly impressed by the move. He's smirking, all proud of himself until Rae speaks.

"Someone's been working out, ey?" She teases, tapping his straining bicep. Her touch lingers.

"It'd be sad if I couldn't lift you, love. You're not heavy at all." Louis tells her, trying to kiss her again.

Rae kind of, falls forward, dead weight and all. Louis rolls his eyes this time, stumbling backwards. He tries to regain his balance, but slips, and suddenly he's on the ground with Rae cackling above him, her thighs straddled over his hips.

"Oh my God!" Rae laughs, her hand checking over his head with her fingers in his hair. "I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?"

"Bloody menace." Louis glares at her. "I was trying to be romantic!"

Rae snorts. "Alright, alright. Apologies. Romanticize away, darling."

Louis silences her with a kiss, pulling himself up in a half crunch to grab the back of her neck and pull her down to his lips. It's softer this time, not an accidental lip bruising smack he did earlier. He won't get this for the next two weeks, won't feel how soft and warm her lips are against his. Won't taste the hazelnut coffee lingering on her tongue, or have her long, dark hair tangle between his fingers. Won't be able to have his nose fill with subtle hints of coconut and roses and the chemicals of the dark room. It's ridiculous, he knows this; it's just a two week trip. Though what's been happening with Ronan and how quiet Rae's been, Louis can't help but feel a little worried.

There's too much space between their bodies, despite Rae hunched over him, and he just wants to hold her. Hold her close, let her know that he has her no matter what happens. Louis snakes his other arm around her waist, brings her down until she's pressed against him. Her shirt's ridden up a little, a sliver of exposed skin pressed warmly against his inner forearm, and when Louis walks his fingers over to her hips, Rae squirms and squeaks against his lips. Intrigued, Louis smiles against her lips, filing away how ticklish she can be. He's distracted though, when he feels the sporadic rhythm of her heart against his chest. He wishes it could beat like that all the time; not the quicken heart rate (because that could lead to some health problems) but not slamming against her chest in pain. Wishes her heart never clenches like it does when she's terrified, when she feels the need to cry but just can't. If she falls apart, Louis wants her to know, to believe, to trust that he'll be there for her. Be there to pick up any pieces she rips out, holding any piece that cuts into her internally in his hands until it bleeds.

He holds her tighter, squeezing around her lower back and gently clenching her hair in his fist. Louis is kissing her with everything he has, everything he feels. He moves her lips with his, molding together like lock and key, tongue licking into her mouth and suddenly the room feels so heated. He kisses her passionately, tenderly, holds her even closer like he's trying to glue himself to her, until Rae's hands are taking hold of his face and pulls backs.

"Louis," Rae pants breathless, eyes shinning, lips slightly swollen. Whatever she wanted to say can obviously wait, for she leans down, gives him one, two, three more quick kisses. 

Louis gently traces over her bottom lip with his thumb when she pulls back again. He feels like he's absolutely buzzing, fire seeping throughout his bones, settles around his heart and Rae shifts. The hard floor can't be too comfortable on her knees, so she moves just far enough to slip her leg between his. She kisses his jaw, actually nibbles and sucks at the spot just under it, then sighs.

"Your phone's vibrating." She whispers against his neck. Well, that explains the source of that buzzing. 

"For fuck sakes." Louis mumbles, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He notes the time with a frown, just an hour before he has to go. "I hope you know you've interrupted something extremely important, Liam."

Louis listens to Liam as Rae chuckles into her hand. He's too distracted by Liam informing him that they have to leave soon to notice Rae is slowly inching away from him. Louis knows their flight isn't until much later, but there's preparations before they go; last minute packing, a quick meeting on what can and can not be said, etc. He has to leave Rae sooner than he thought. Liam offers to swing by the loft to pick him up, instead of making Rae drive all the way back. Louis thinks she wouldn't mind either way. He hangs up the phone and pouts when he realises Rae is half way out of his hold.

"Raelyn, I was not done kissing you." He broods. He can almost hear her eye roll.

"You'll live, Lou." She grunts. "Got it!"

Rae crawls backwards, or she more like wiggles back, then rolls right back into place in his arms. She's got her Polaroid in her hands, turn the flash on, and holds it above them aiming the lens towards them. Louis quickly pulls a face before she takes a picture. It prints, slowly develops, then Rae snorts.

"Lovely." She deadpans. She allows Louis to take the camera from her though.

He takes a few more pictures, the last one he gets distracted by her, looking at him with this softness around her eyes, small smile teasing her lips. Louis returns her smile, then presses the shutter button. The picture prints, fluttering down on his chest. He sets the camera down, then surges to kiss Rae again. Kisses her lips. Kisses her nose, her eyelids, corners of her mouth, cheeks, neck, collarbones, then back to her lips by this time she's full on laughing.

"You have to leave now?" Rae questions, some of that sadness from earlier coming back.

Louis sighs heavily. "Unfortunately. They're picking me up soon."

Rae nods sitting up and collecting the polaroids . "Well come on then. Don't forget your folder."

Louis stands up, taking Rae's hand to pull her up as well. He grabs the folder before they leave the room, turning off the lights as he follows Rae who's pocketing the pictures. She leads them to the door, and out onto the stoop of Angelique's loft. Louis can't stop looking at her, but her hair is covering her face now and the mood she was in earlier is settling around them again.

"I hate that you're leaving now." Rae admits, crossing her arms.

Louis doesn't miss the way she subtly presses her hand to her chest for a moment. "I know, love. You can call me for anything though, yeah?"

Rae nods, turning to look at him. They just stare at each other for several moments. For those long moments the look in Rae's eyes flashes glints of anxiousness, fear, but they go as quick as they came. Then Rae breaks the tension by crossing her eyes; a distraction from what's brewing beneath the surface. Louis can't help it, he laughs, hooks his arm over her shoulders and pulls her in. He kisses her temple and it just slips out.

"I love you."

The words just tumble off his tongue like it's the most simplest thing he could have ever done. Which he thinks is unfair, given how much he's thought about it, how much his feelings for Rae has built up. She deserves better than just a simple slip of a lip. Deserves way better than having him drop the L bomb literally minutes before he jets off to another country. Rae tenses under his arm, inhales sharply, and slowly, so slow, that it kind of scares Louis, steps back from him.

"What?" She breathes out, nearly inaudible.

Louis takes in her shocked, rather baffled expression. Her eyes are wide, blue locked on his and the drop of gold looks a littler dark than it did in the room. Her lips are parted slightly from his confession, and her hand is back at her chest, not digging, just pressing. Louis figures, since he just accidentally threw everything to the wind, a full on confession won't hurt now that he's already started. Cautiously, Louis takes hold of the hand on her chest. Rae doesn't budge, her feet rooted to the spot she's on, so Louis steps closer.

"I-"

"You're going to Paris." Rae states quietly. Louis nods. "You're going to France, different countries, for two weeks...and you just..."

"I know, I know, I didn't mean to say it." Louis literally smacks himself on the forehead. "Not that! I didn't mean that! I meant, I do mean it I just- Rae, please stop looking at me like that."

Rae takes step back, but halts when her spine makes contact with one of the beams holding up the small overhang. Louis sees this as his chance, it's sort of a dick move to drop those words then basically corner her like this. She's right though, he just told her he loves her and here he is jetting off to France.

"Rae, please listen." Louis begins softly, coming close enough to feel her breath against his lips. She's shaking her head, whether the motion is meant for him or herself, Louis doesn't know. He cups his hands around her jaw, stopping the movement, keeps his touch gentle and just looks at her; really looks at her. He doesn't have any reason to hold it back anymore. He can feel his face soften, muscles relaxing and a slow smile spreading across his lips. If any of the boys were witnessing this, they'd probably point out his expression as 'The Rae Look', which, obviously. 

Louis' been silent for too long, and he doesn't have time for that right now. "You are absolutely beautiful, stunning, in every way I know possible. From the moment I met you to now. I see who you really are hiding behind that mask you put on. You are beautiful in the way you love Ronan, your mother. Beautiful when you have to be strong and when you fall apart. You're so passionate, caring, feisty because lets be honest, when you're angry it's fucking terrifying." That gets a tug of a smile at Rae's lips. Louis tracks the movement with his eyes, lingers on her lips for just a moment before continuing. 

"Your beautiful in your photography, your passion and how you push everything you're feeling away just to be strong for others. To help them before you even think of yourself. How you don't want anyone to worry over you, to help you and as frustrating as that is some times, I love it. I love _you_. I have been in love with you for months now. Been in love with every single, beautiful and infuriating thing you do. With everything you are and you need to know that. I'm sorry I'm just telling you now. I'm quite the prick for ambushing you, but- I love you, Raelyn."

Louis inhales shakily, getting some of his breath back and waits, searching Rae's eyes for a sign of anything. Anything that's not the frozen stunned expression. Her pulse is rabbiting like a jackhammer under his fingers tips, both of her hands pressed firmly to her chest. Not digging, not circling, just a consistent pressure and Louis wonders for a wild second if she's trying to calm her racing heart down. Rae opens her mouth wider just as a honk sounds, startling both of them.

"Louis! Get your arse in the car, we're running late!" Niall is yelling from the open car window.

Louis' response is to move Rae behind the beam and out of sight. This wasn't in the plan of confession, having to rush. Having to wait for the girl he's absolutely in love with to say something; anything. He can hear Zayn arguing with Niall, something about being rude and not saying goodbye to Raelyn at all. Louis hopes they don't get out of the car. Rae still has yet to speak, and with another honk and the sound of a door opening, he knows their time is winding down.

"Raelyn, say something, please. Anything." Louis begs quietly, searching her eyes for any sort of response.

She's speechless. Rae tries opening her mouth, small stuttering sound escaping in lieu of actual words. She shakes her head, seeming to collect herself. "I-I...Louis."

Louis holds his breath, just waiting, giving her time he knows he doesn't have. She doesn't have to say it back, doesn't want her too if she doesn't mean, but anything is better than this astonished silence. He doesn't get another millisecond though, since Niall comes running up to them. Louis releases her just before Niall can get a good look, and steps back while Niall ensnares her in a bone crushing hug. Rae's still peering at him over Niall's shoulder, her response to the hug delayed. Finally, she tears her eyes away from Louis and hides her face in Niall's shoulder.

"Couldn't leave without having a proper goodbye." Zayn informs from behind Louis. Louis turns, and Zayn frowns. "Alright, Lou?"

Louis tracks Harry and Liam running up as well, all taking their turns at goodbye hugs. It looks like Rae's frozen shock wore off a little, giving a warm smile to each boy as they bid farewell for two weeks. Louis shakes his head as his answer. He doesn't know. He honestly doesn't know anything right now. He can feel Zayn's hand squeeze his shoulder, a comforting gesture despite Zayn not knowing anything yet. Instead, Louis turns, hops down the one step from the stoop and makes his way to the car.

His heart is absolutely pounding, like he just ran a five-K marathon. There's a nasty knot that's formed in his stomach, and suddenly Louis is terrified he just ruined something that just started. He's such an idiot, telling Rae he loves her like that, in the midst of everything she's going through. He hides behind the car, the side not facing the stoop, banging his head back against the window. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"You're going to hurt yourself if you continue that."

Louis' the one to seize up this time. Hearing Rae's timid voice sets everything inside of him on haywire. He doesn't want to look over at her, but she's like the moon and he's the sea, being pulled towards her weather he wants to or not. He braces himself for nothing short of a denial, even anger, but when he finally turns his head to look at her, Rae's suddenly so close. Then there are lips pushing against his, hands on either side of his neck, his arms full of Rae. She's kissing him so fiercely, so responsive, it gives him whiplash from how she was just a three minutes earlier. He tries to pull her closer, but Rae pulls back, breathless with her eyes shining.

"Louis, get your slow arse in the car!" Harry's calling, head popping out of the rolled down window Louis was banging against before. "Bye, Rae!" He beams.

"See ya, Harry." Rae says softly. 

She waves, spares one last glance at Louis, offering him a smile he can't quite decipher. Then she's turning away and Harry's attempting to pull him through the car window. Once Louis gets in, the proper way, he turns to look back at the loft, but Rae's no longer in sight. He's not too worried anymore; her kiss was just enough for a short goodbye and a reassuring hope. 

***


	45. And at Last I See The Light

"Are you missing him, RaRa?"

"Hmm?" Rae hums distractedly.

She doesn't want to pull her gaze away from the movie they're watching. She'd put on Tangled when it showed up on the Hospice's moving listings, excitedly hitting the play button. She tried snuggling in with Ronan on his bed, but he complained about getting too hot only a few minutes in. So instead, she sits in the rather uncomfortable chair next to his side. The movie has come upon the scene where Rapunzel is lead to believe Flynn has left her for the crown.

"Punzel misses Flynn. Do you miss Louis?" Ronan asks again, this time pulling her attention away from the movie.

Rae blinks at him. "I...yes." She clears her throat. "I do miss him, quite a lot actually." 

It's just been a week since they all left for France, and Rae thought she was holding out rather well. She's busied herself with work, and the Hospice newsletter, taking more pictures and visiting Ronan. It's all the same really. It's like Rae went back in time, nearly a year ago before she even met Louis. However, she has been trying to ignore this awful pang in her heart whenever Louis does text her; tries to avoid that strange emptiness to her stomach. It's like eating a proper full meal, three courses, the works, but never feeling full afterwards. She just _misses_ Louis.

If she allows herself, she can still feel the ghost of his lips on hers when she hurriedly pulled him in for a kiss. Can still see the helpless, almost hopeless expression on his face after his confession. It's like every time she closes her eyes, while alone in her room relaxing on her bed, she can see it all so vividly. Like the colours of Autumn, like a kaleidoscope pointing directly at the sun. It replays in her mind over and over, and that's when she second guesses herself. Should she have responded differently? Well, yes. Clearly if she could go back to the moment, she'd do much more than just awkwardly fish mouth her way through a response. But what would it have been, her response?

Would she have blatantly denied him? Or maybe just kiss him the way he's been kissing her; so soft, tender, gentle as if she's made of delicate glass. Would she have- and only if she had properly sorted out her thoughts and gave her feelings more than just a simple passing thought- said it back to him? That's when her heartbeat picks up, when her room begins to feel hot despite the air conditioning. When the stab of pain, of anxiousness, missing her chest and aims for her stomach, goes back to that emptiness. It's a full circle.

Like Ronan said though; Rapunzel misses Flynn. Rae misses Louis. Misses his smile, the crinkles by his eyes when it over takes his face, when it's sweet and genuine. Like when he's smiling at the children, or laughing at a horrible joke Harry has told. She misses the gentle touch of his fingers along her face, brushing hair away from her eyes when she's working on developing photos. Misses the way he seems to look at her with soft, fond eyes, a look at makes her blush even though she'd hardly admit it. She misses his warmth, his comfort, that fact the he seems to be the only one to fully comprehend what goes through her mind constantly. It's only been a week. She feels a little pathetic. 

Rae shakes her head subtly, ridding her thoughts and grabs her coffee cup to take a sip. Ronan's attention returned back to the movie, or so she thought, when he voices his next thought. "Do you kiss Louis?"

Rae swallows her coffee down her air pipe at the question. She splutters and coughs, trying to clear her airway and regain her breath again. After a minute of heavy coughing, Rae pushes back the loose strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asks her brother incredulously.

Ronan blinks up owlishly at her, his eye lids slowly reopening. He points at the telly, to the scene where Rapunzel had pulled in Eugenie for a kiss after she healed him. Rae's baffled by the seemingly innocent curiosity of a four, nearly five year old. Ronan is smart, always has been; always watching people and things around him with interest. So he's probably noticed the way her and Louis act around each other. Rae watches the end of the movie for a few more moments before deciding she'd rather not lie to her brother.

"Well, Ro. Yes. I have." Rae answers bluntly. Ronan giggles, though as weak as they are, it's still the best noise Rae has ever heard. It still warms her heart when she sees Ronan's hand just barely cover his own mouth; a trait they both share.

"You only kiss people you love, don't you?" He questions, inhales deeply trying to catch his breath. 

The oxygen machine beeps several times, and Rae waits with a clenching in her chest for Ronan to breath properly again. Once she's sure he's got his breath back, she answers him carefully. "Erm, yes, normally. Yes, but-"

"Does that mean you love Louis?"

The way this conversation was going, Rae should have been more prepared for that question. As it is, she isn't. Her heart skips a beat, releasing the tightness she felt, and her stomach flutters when she abruptly hears Louis dropping those three words like it was the simplest thing he could ever do. Like his confession was as easy as brewing tea in the morning. It just caught her so off guard. He caught her so off guard that all she could do in that moment was stand there and stutter, trying to process every word he was saying. All she could think about then was that Louis, who has been everything from a simple laugh to her solid anchor, who had kissed her so softly, was jetting off to another country that same day. It gave her no time to properly respond. Rae inhales before speaking.

"It means..." She pauses, fixing Ronan's beanie that shifted over his eyebrows. It's too big on him. It was originally Harry's until Ronan said he liked it, and Harry didn't hesitate to swipe it off his own head, and put it on her brother's. 

Now she's stalling because she doesn't really know what it means. Or maybe she does, and maybe it is that simple. Maybe if she were to actually tell anyone anything, it'd be Ronan right now. There's been more wires hooked up to Ronan in the past day then there are been when he first came into Hummingbird. More machines whirling more noises and monitoring every move Ronan makes, every breath he takes, every beat of his heart. If Rae has to face the reality of this situation, extremely reluctantly has to face the possibilities, Ronan might not even have the time to wait for Rae to sort out her own feelings. 

Subconsciously, her right hand presses firmly against her chest, hoping the clench subsides. She can't really think about that, she can't work herself into a panic attack, especially when the one person who's so good at calming her down is in France. She can't even remember how she did it herself before Louis anymore. A sudden wet pressure on her cheek pulls her from her thoughts. 

When she looks over, Ronan is extremely close to her face, just an inch from her own nose, beaming up at her despite how dark the circles under his eyes are. No matter how sick he is, the blue of her brother's eyes will always be her favorite colour, will always shine brighter than any star she's tried to photograph.

"That means I love you, Ra-Ra." Ronan whispers, as if it's a secret. Or maybe he just knows this moment isn't a time to be loud, if he could even have volume to his voice. Rae feels the clenching of her chest disappear as she smiles back at him. She returns the kiss, placing her lips right on his little nose. Ronan scrunches up his nose, but continues to smiles.

"I love you too Ro. To the moon and back." Rae says quietly. 

Ronan nods. "I like Louis. So it's okay if you give him love kisses too. Like Rapunzel and Eugeniey."

Rae chuckles lightly. "Eugene, Bud. But yeah? So I have your permission to love Louis?"

Ronan ponders over it for less then a minute before he's nodding vigorously. He stops abruptly though, blinking quickly. It looks like he's gotten dizzy and Rae's hands hover over him for a moment when he slumps forward a little.

"'M sleepy, Ra." He tells her, rubbing at his eyes with his little fits. "And I'm hurted."

Rae frowns, gently pushing him back so he's resting on his pillow. "What's hurting, love?"

"Everywhere." Ronan pouts, his bottom lips puckering out and quivering. Rae can feel her heart begin to break when she sees the tears well up in his eyes, and fall down his cheeks. 

"Want me to sing to you? Make you feel better?" Rae asks, wiping away his tears as she sneakily pressing the nurse call button.

Ronan nods, and grabs her hand after Rae tucks him in. She's in the middle of singing the song from Tangled when the nurse comes in, and begins to check Ronan's vitals. Rae ignores her, focusing on gently stroking Ronan's temple and watching his eye flutter with exhaustion. It's when Ronan fits his small fingers in between hers, does she come to a realization she probably should have told someone else before he got on a plane.

"Ronan. I do love Louis." Rae confesses, whispering close to her brother's face.

Ronan's eyes open a little wider, a small smile spreading across his mouth. "Like Eugene and Punzel."

Rae just nods, kissing his forehead just as he falls asleep.

***

Rae is like a busy little bee, buzzing around the Diner balancing orders and plates of food. Unknown to her, she's being watch by her unimpressed coworker, boss and best friend, all watching as she nearly avoids Max with a bucket of dirty dishes. She's been in this nonstop mode for the past three days now, thinking that having no time to herself will erase what's truly happening at the Hospice. She knows she can't actually erase anything, but if occupying her mind with work and other things (not sleep, because that's when the nightmares come out) she doesn't have to think about it.

Over the course of two nights, Ronan's health suddenly declined from bad, to worse. He can hardly breath on his own anymore, relying on the actual oxygen tube rather than just the small finger monitor. He's taken to request staying in bed, and refused to go meet Olivia in the playroom. He says his legs hurt, his arm, his whole body and will only move when Rae or their mother snuggle in bed with him. Her mother's there now, watching over Ronan while Rae serves plate after plate, hot tea and coffee. She's picked up three double shifts for the next week, and nearly begged for a third before Jasper threaten to fire her.

"Maybe you should fire her, for her own sake." Liz voices from behind the counter, watching Rae side step Max again.

"Maybe you should get to work and help her." Jasper quips.

Liz glares at him, holding up a fist full of receipts, clearly showing him she is working.

"Or just like, give her a vacation. She needs one. Like, months ago." Kari pipes in.

"You know I can bloody hear you all!" Rae calls from the middle of the diner, notepad in hand. The people she's taking orders from look appalled. 

Kari shrugs, Liz rolls her eyes and Jasper pushes himself up from leaning over the counter when the phone rings. Rae is still glaring at her so called friends, pointedly ignoring Kari's smug little smirk, as if she knows something Rae doesn't. Rae take the orders and leaves the table, only then noticing Kari showing her phone to Liz. Now she's suddenly suspicious. Before she can ask, the phone rings again and suddenly Jasper's plucking the order right out of her hand.

"Rae, darling, could you get that? I'm awfully busy." He says sweetly, giving the order to Max via the small window to the kitchen.

"I hate you all." She mutters, but snatches up the ringing phone anyway. "Hello, Jasper's Diner, this is Rae speaking, may I take your order?"

"You sound all nice and proper, you do." Louis' voice comes through the other line.

Rae nearly drops the phone, fumbling with the pen before just setting it down on the counter. "How the hell do you have this number?"

""I've missed you so much, Louis. It's so lovely to hear from you.' Why thank you Rae, I've missed you too." Louis mocking of her voice is spot on.

Rae can't hold back the smile spreading across her lips. "Alright, sorry. Just wasn't expecting. How are you?"

"I'm quite alright. France is lovely."

"Always wanted to go to France."

"I'll steal the Eiffel tower for you if you do me just one favor?" 

She only mulls it over for a second then answers, "Maybe."

She hears Louis inhale on the other side, as if what he's about to request is something hard for her to do. "Take a break. Go home, love. I've been hearing you're working yourself to exhaustion...again. Go home, relax, breath a little. I don't know, have a nice glass of wine and watch some movies."

That is something hard for her to do, mainly because she's stubborn and doesn't want to. She narrows her eyes in Kari's direction. "This wouldn't happen to have come from someone with Justin Bieber lyrics tattooed on her arm, would it now?"

"Hey!" Kari whines affronted. "I quite like my tattoo, thank you very much. You've got Ed Sheeran lyrics on your ribs, so shut up."

Louis over hears that. "Ed Sheeran lyrics? Why's this the first I've heard of it?"

"They're on me ribs, Lou. I don't go about flashing strangers just to show off me tattoo."

"Better not." She hears Louis mumble. "You'll just show me later then."

Rae actually blushes, turning so her back is now facing Kari. "Anyway. I can't just take off, Louis. There's bills-"

"No. Nope. Don't even, Raelyn. I know you know for a fact that those are covered and will be covered for at least three months." Louis sighs again, not frustrated, or annoyed, just, concerned. If sighs can sound concerning.

Rae's stomach twists a little. She knows he means well, know he's worried about her, and again she just simple misses him. She's about to voice the real reason she doesn't want a break, when Louis beats her to it.

"You don't want to be left alone with your mind, do you. You're scared." He states quietly. He knows how fragile this can be; is. "If you stop working, just for a second, you think everything will cave in on you."

She doesn't answer, baffled with how well he knows her, when really, it shouldn't be a surprise at all. "I just don't want to be alone. If I take off work..."

"I'll be back in a week, Rae." Louis reminds her gently. "One week."

"He's getting worse each day, Louis." Rae confesses, voice lace with fear. "I- I don't know what to do anymore."

There's a loud crash in front of the diner, startling Rae back into her surroundings. She'd forgotten she's behind the counter and not in the comfort of her own room on her own phone talking to Louis. Rae looks over her shoulder and sees a mother scolding her young child for knocking over their food in what looks like a stubborn fit. Rae automatically moves her foot sideways, as if to abandon the conversations she's having to go clean it up. However, Liz is there a second later, waving Rae off and fixing her with a heated stare as if to say 

"Whatever that was, Rae, forget it. Just please, love, go home. Call me when you get there and I promise we'll talk more, yeah?" Louis' voice pulls Rae's attention back.

"Yeah, alright. You're right, I'm exhausted." As Rae says it, she can feel the heaviness in her bone, weighing her down like sandbags. "Talk to you soon?"

"Very soon. I lo-ah, just call me once you're home." Louis says. "Bye now."

"Bye." Rae hangs up, then stares at the phone for several moments.

Louis's hesitation at the end didn't go unnoticed by her. She knew what he was going to say, even had her stomach fluttering and heart jumping for split second. She can't help feel disappointed that Louis reconsidered his words, and she can't help but to know exactly why he did so. If she wasn't so stupid, so shocked and a little frightened before he left, maybe he would've said it over the phone. Maybe she would have said it right back.

She's literally pushed out the door by Jasper, after he gave her her check early, declaring her small vacation is paid, despite her only working at a diner. Jasper scoffs when she says as much. Kari waves a sheepish goodbye and Liz just nods as she gives the little kid who threw the fit a new milkshake. Rae feels much heavier driving home, but this time it isn't from pure exhaustion. There's a guilt settling in her stomach, feels like she ate too much Yorkshire pudding then decided to go for a run. She sighs long and hard when she comes to a stop light, resting her head on the steering wheel. She can already feeling her thoughts creeping around her head, invading her mind and sneaking their way toward her heart. She does as Louis says. Breathes in deeply, counts slowly, and exhales. An impatient honk from behind scares her back into focus, then she's driving again, eyes on the road, and only thinking of the lines separating the lanes.

***

After she gets homes, showers, changes into a pair of joggers and a tee shirt with holes, Rae finally, finally, plops down on her bed. She calls Louis after she hooks her phone to the charger and talks his ear off. Tells him everything new with Ronan, confesses every fear she has, every thought she hears and actually works herself up into a panic attack. It takes Louis a good ten minutes to calm her down, even demanding at one point to someone he's with that he should just take their private jet back to London for the night. It's when Rae hears that, that she fully calms herself down. However, Louis's voice doesn't come back right away, instead it's Zayn answering her.

"Please tell him not to get steal the jet." Rae pleads, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Zayn chuckles. "He'd do anything for you, Rae, stealing a jet is the least of your worries."

Rae rolls her eyes in utter fondness, drops her hand away, pressing once against her chest, then shove it under her pillow.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Zayn question, concern evident.

"Yeah, good. Just got a little..." Rae trails off at a loss for words.

Zayn seems to understand though. "I got ya. Listen, just take it easy. Louis' not the only one who loves you, you know."

Rae smiles. She misses all of them. "I know. Sorry for worrying you all."

"No need to apologise." Zayn tells her. 

He sounds soft, like he's speaking to someone he really cares about. Rae once overheard him talking to one of his sisters on his phone, curled in on himself as he spoke gently to her. She thinks he sounds the same now and Rae feel affection bloom in her chest for not just Zayn, but Harry, Liam and Niall too. They've all been there from the start, have all seen her fall apart at least once. They all love and care for Ronan and somehow, those emotions carried over to her as well. Louis was just the one to weave his way into her heart and get tangled up in the strings there. Rae is perfectly okay with that.

"Miss you. All of you." Rae whispers. She abruptly feels overemotional, but maybe that's just everything from the past week getting to her. She doesn't cry, obviously since she hasn't in years, but her chest isn't clenching like it normally does.

"Us too, babes. If Louis doesn't answer, we're always here for you too." He reminds her. Rae nods, knowing he can't see. "Oh, Lou's coming back. He looks murderous. Maybe-" Zayn's voice drops to a low murmur, "if you tell him you love him he'll be happy Lou again."

"I take it back. I hate you." Rae deadpans, then starts. "Wait...how d'you even know that I've come to terms with that?"

"Have you?" Zayn sounds shocked. Shit. "Oh my god, Rae. You do love him. Fucking finally."

"You're sweet and all, Zayn, but I'd really rather you keep your lovely voice down as to not confess my feelings over the bloody phone."

"Perfect for each other, you are. It's uncanny. Sure, babe. That's something on your own time and not for the phone. Oi! Louis!"

Rae yanks her phone away from her ear once Zayn's went from spy mode to football shouting volume. There's a rustling, a rushed, distant goodbye from Zayn, then she hears Louis muttering curses under his breath.

"I take it stealing the jet was a no go?" Rae quips.

"Apparently flying a plane without a license is illegal or something. Who knew. And there's this little thing called promotion that's all day tomorrow. I hate everyone." Louis says darkly.

Rae laughs, full on barks out a laughter at his ridiculous sarcasm. Once she's calmed her laughing down, she speaks again. "Like you said. Just one week."

"One week." Louis' smile can be hear through his voice.

That's how Rae falls asleep an hour later. Listening to Louis ramble on about France, and singing her little teasers of a song him and Liam starting writing on the plane ride over. Pretty lyrics about carrying someone through fire and water and darkness. She falls asleep to Louis soft singing, and when she wakes up in the morning, there's a text on her phone.

_Apparently sitting in the cockpit of said jet unauthorized is frowned upon as well._

***


	46. I Break Down Because It's Not Fair That You're Not Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN: apparently this chapter had its own mind and messed up when it posted. I have now fixed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are slowly coming to the end of this story soon

_Not a lot of time left. Not much longer. Not a lot of time left. Not much longer. I'm sorry._

Rae doesn't need sorry, she needs for someone to pick up the pace and find a cure for her brother. She only took a day off to catch up on sleep, but as hard as she tried, sleep didn't come easy. It never does for Raelyn. It's usually restless. Nightmares plague her mind, and it seems every time she closes her eye to sleep, they're there, lurking around the corners. Ready to jump out and coiling their dark arms around her brother to take him away.

Instead of attempting to sleep some more, Rae drove to the hospice in the early hours of the morning and has stayed there since then. It's well past noon now, Rae skipping a lunch one of the nurses brought for her due to the twisting in her stomach, but pretends to eat so Ronan will. It's when they're watching Peter Pan all snuggled up in her brother's hospital bed, does Ronan make a request. However, his machines beep and go haywire. Rae pages the on-call nurse, and it takes her a half hour just to give Ronan medicine and calm his machines down. She informs Rae that he got worked up and if she could possibly try to calm him down.

With a thumping heart, Rae calls Louis. She hopes he can answer, hopes he's with the other four boys, hope they have time for one last request. The siblings listen to the ringing on speaker, but when it goes to voicemail, Rae hangs up. She dials Harry next with he same result. Calls Liam and Zayn and when they both go to voicemail, Rae's heart begins to sink. Mentally she's pleading for Niall to be the last hope for this, that he'll actually have his phone in his hand rather than just forgotten somewhere on a table. She gently strokes her fingers along Ronan's cheek, waiting for an answer.

"'Lo?" Comes Niall voice, low and quiet like he's not suppose to be answering in the first place. Rae can faintly hear music and singing in the background, but she can't be bother with interrupting anything.

"Niall." Rae breathes out in relief. "Sorry if you're busy but um...Ro-" She clears her through and makes sure to sound as if nothing is wrong. "Ronan isn't feeling too well. He was wondering if...if maybe you all could sing one last- I mean, like, sing on the phone. For him. If that's alright?"

Niall's silent for a few moments. "Is he..." He starts apprehensively. "Raelyn?"

Rae's heart clenches in her chest. She thought she was better at bluffing than this. "He's just in pain. He misses you. Please?"

"Give me one mo'." Niall requests. It sounds like he covers his phone with hand, faint muffled voices the only thing coming through.

"Ra. Rae." Ronan speaks up, weakly tapping her hand. Rae looks down at him. "Will they?"

Rae swallows a dry lump in her throat. "They are, love. Just for you." She smiles at him, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"Raelyn!?" Louis' frantic voice suddenly emits loudly through the speaker.

"Ronan just wants to hear you sing." Rae responds quickly, calmly. She can do this. She can lie. Her stomach twists sickeningly. "Just misses you lads."

"Rae-"

"Please. Please just sing. He wont fall asleep until you do." She ignores the double meaning of her words. "You're on speaker, by the way."

"Yeah." Louis sighs, like he knows he can see right through her, despite being in another country. "Mind if we sing a bit of a new one, Ronan?"

"Please, Louis." Ronan answers, then smiles at his sister. He's been patiently patting her free hand with his small fingers.

Louis counts off, and then all five are singing in perfect harmony. It sounds like the chorus of the song, and she can pick out Louis' voice instantly, carrying the chorus. They sound amazing, beautiful, and when Rae looks down at Ronan, he's smiling and reaching for the phone. Rae moves it closer to his ears so he can hear them better. When they finish, they launch straight into Little Things, Ronan's favorite song. Her brother smiles through the whole song, snuggling into Rae's side, eyelids fluttering. Ronan falls asleep before the last note, so Rae takes them off speaker.

"Thank you." She whispers, holding her phone between her ear and shoulder as she pulls Ronan's blanket over his shoulders. Her other arm is currently being used as his pillow.

"Always." Louis answers just as soft.

"We love him, Rae. I hope you know that." Liam pipes in gently.

Nodding, she answers, "I know. The song sounds so good."

"We were just recording it when you called. S'why I couldn't answer." Louis informs her.

"I figured. Sorry about that."

"Honestly, don't worry about it." Harry speaks up, "we needed a break anyway."

Rae hears some static shuffling, then the background noise of other voices and music cut off. "Hello?"

"Took you off speaker." Louis tells her after a moment. "You're lying to me."

"I haven't lied to you, Louis. He honestly wanted to-"

"Raelyn. What's really happening?"

"Nothing." She answers lightly. Her voice sounds overly sweet in her own ears. "He misses you. He's just tired...is tired. He's always tired. He's been um, in more pain. He's just- just-" Her breath hitches.

"Raelyn. Hey, it's alright. Sorry I asked. It's okay, don't forget to breathe, darling." Louis tells her. "I believe you."

Rae scoffs lightly, rolling her eyes. "You'd believe me if I told you the sky is purple."

"If that's what you'd want me to believe rather than the obvious truth to it being blue, then yes."

Louis is smart. He's clever, watching him, becoming his friend, becoming more than just a friend recently; Rae has noticed that trait. She should have known- always tells herself that she should by now -he'd see right through her. Why she still tries to hide anything from Louis is ridiculous at this point. However, Rae was only evading Louis' questions because Ronan was right next to her. Also, the five of them are too busy recording, and promoting themselves. They're too focused on their careers and Rae doesn't want to take their attention off of what comes first to them. Plus, they're in another country and- Rae really needs to stop giving herself lame excuses and just come clean already. As carefully as she can, Rae slips out from next to her brother, and pulls his blankets up to keep him warm. She places a gentle kiss on his cheek, then quietly leave his room, shutting the door before making her way over to the small couches at the end of the hallway. Louis' been silent this entire time, patiently for her. She settles into one of the ugly yellow chairs before speaking again.

"Louis."

"I'm here, love." He reassures.

Rae nods to herself. "He can hardly get out of bed anymore. His breathing is becoming more difficult and when I spoke to his doctor..."

Her words fade out, abruptly hearing her previous conversation with Dr. Ramsy in her ears. It's clear, loud, almost like she had recorded it and is playing it back with headphones stuck in her ears. Her heart begins to race, and her chest clenches so hard, so painful she audibly gasps, immediately trying to ease the pain by digging her nails in her skin, exposed just below her collarbones.

"Niall sat on Harry's banana, and Harry was so disgruntled, he looked like Pepper when she fell into her water bowl." Louis says randomly. "Liam, I've corrupted him, I swear I have, stole a trolly from outside a market. Zayn wants to sneak out at night and giraffe the Eiffel Tower. I told him I'd go with him. Oh, and Josh can quote Casablanca word to word, and Paul knows all the songs to every single Spice Girl song."

Rae blinks several times. "What? What?"

"Did it work?"

"Did what work? What's this about Zayn wanting to giraffe the Eiffel Tower, and Josh and Casablanca- which is a fantastic, classic movie, mind you."

"Is your hand still at your chest?" Louis asks, he sounds like he's smiling.

Realization dawns on Raelyn. Her hand is in fact, no longer scratching at her chest, but is hanging in the air because everything Louis just said was so random. It was distraction. A rather good one at that. Rae can breathe normally again and the spasms had faded away.

"Yes. I mean no, my hand's not on my chest, and yes it worked." Rae answers finally.

"Good. Had me worried there." Louis exhales, sighs heavily with the sound of a question her probably doesn't ever want to ask. "What did the doctor say?"

Raelyn's finger dance over her collarbones, lightly feeling the long, red scratches already forming. She shoves her hand under her thigh then. "He. Um...he doesn't think...he says Ronan may not have a lot of time left."

It's Louis turn to be pin dropping quiet. The silence, however, lasts for so long on both sides, Rae's phone actually beeps, signaling the low battery percentage. It still goes on though, and Rae vaguely wonders in the back of her mind, if Louis is on a break or if he's actually missing a recording session for his vocals. He nearly stole a jet to come see her, so she wouldn't put it past him to ditch just to talk to her. She doesn't know what to say though, and judging by the radio silence on the other end of the phone, neither does Louis. In a time where she would honestly love for him to say something, he hasn't. He can't.

"So..." Rae finally breaks the heavy silence. "Pepper fell into her water bowl?"

"Yes." Louis mutters distractedly. He makes a small noise, clearing his throat. "Just fell right in. I'll be back on Friday, Rae."

"That's still five days away." Rae frowns.

"I can still steal that jet, ya know."

Rae chuckles despite the situation. "Please don't. Just...come back when you can. Please."

"Five days. Just five more days." Louis reminds her.

She suddenly feel so desperate for Louis. For his presence, to just to near him, in her arms, because maybe then, Rae can pretend that it none of it's real. That maybe his arms are her fortress, protecting her from everything that's called reality. She needs him now. Needs him to remind her how to breathe, how to remain calm in front of her bother, for her mother, for herself. Never would Rae have thought she needed to rely on anyone else to feel that. She has always been the one to give it to other, to protect them. To comfort them. Never thinking of herself. Never for her, until now. When she can't even remember the last time someone just let her fall apart the way she has with Louis. Can't remember feeling so opened, so exposed until she met him. But Louis...Louis protects all of that. She has been willing giving everything she'd hidden and locked away for so long into his open hands, and Louis has taken every single one of them and kept them safe.

Rae abruptly blurts out, "I need you."

"Raelyn," Louis' voice sounds so soft, nothing but fond. "You're so much stronger than you think. You don't need to need anyone."

Well, she wholeheartedly disagrees with that. Rae tells him this much, and listens to his soft chuckle. The one he uses when it's just them two alone. "I may be strong in your eyes, but that doesn't mean I still need someone to help me."

"Five days." Louis states again. "Don't hate me, darling, but Zayn's beckoning me to come back inside. Call if anything, alright? I mean it."

"Yeah, alright." Rae agrees.

"Give Ronan kisses from us. "

"Always, Lou. See you in five days."

Rae's phone dies right then, as if that isn't a sign for something. She can't think what. She's tired, despite this little vacation from work. So, Rae gets up, heads back into Ronan's room and tucks herself in next to her baby brother, not knowing how much longer she has to just simply sleep next to him.  


 

****


	47. To the Moon and Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Warning: Proceed with caution***

"Neberland."

Rae startles, didn't know Ronan was actually paying attention to the screen. He's been dozing off by her side since they started the movie. Rae's been engrossed in the film because Peter Pan is one of her favourite movies and loves any version of the story. It reminds her of that night many months ago when Louis showed up at her door at two in the morning. Rae pulls her eyes away from the screen to look down at Ronan. He's looking right up at her, his big blue eyes staring directly into hers. 

"Can I fly to Neberland too?" He asks softly, his voice having lost it's normal volume two days ago. 

Rae swallows thickly. "You wanna be a lost boy and have adventures with Peter, yeah?"

"And fight pirates." Ronan smiles weakly. He takes a deep breath then, trying to get air in his lungs properly. 

"Fight silly ol' Captin Hook." She pokes gently at his nose.

He nods once, then looks back at the TV. "Neberland looks pretty."

"Neverland is pretty, Bud. Tons of fun."

Ronan wiggles slightly, so Rae pulls him in closer, snuggling him on her lap. He gently taps her hands, and it's been four years of that small gesture to know what he wants. So she begins to sing The Second Star to the Right softly. She carefully strokes along his arms wrapped around her stomach and on her chest. By the time Peter catches Wendy from walking the plank, Ronan is asleep. 

She starts up the same song again, whispering the words into the beanie on her brother's head. He feels warm still, his fever still hasn't gone down, yet he shivers every now and then. Rae pulls the blankets up high to cover Ronan's shoulders and holds him as close as she can before she falls asleep herself. It's a restless sleep, filled here and there by the same new nightmare. She's woken five hours later by her mother just getting off her morning shift. 

MaryAnn taking over until her next shift. Ronan's still sleeping when Rae carefully transfers him over to her mum. She's sent home to properly rest, but takes a shift at the diner when she gets a call from a new coworker. Despite Jasper's heavy disapproval at her arrival, he allows her to stay due to shorthanded staff. 

"Aren't you suppose to be off?" Liz questions, food tray in hand and spinning around Rae to avoid contact.

"Lucy needed her shift covered." Rae answers, holding the kitchen door open for Liz. 

"Her shift doesn't end 'til four in the morning." 

Rae shrugs and that's the end of the conversation. 

***

Raelyn groans in relief when she finally plops down on her bed after an eight hour shift, face buried in the duvet. She doesn't move for several moments before she realizes smothering herself in her sheets isn't a good idea. She smacks her hand around for her pillow and properly places her head on it once she's found it. She soaks in the silence of her room, opposite that of the nosy diner. She can literally feel her energy draining from her body, despite the three cups of coffee she had before.

Rae doesn't want to move, but knows she has to. Otherwise she risks falling asleep in her uniform that smells like fired grease and chips and she's pretty sure there's a mustard stain from when the bugger of the six year old threw his corn dog at her. Came in with his traveling family; who orders corn dogs that late...why does Jasper even serve corn dogs? Not to mention the tan stain from when her co-worker slipped on a chip, and spilled half the coke in his hand on her. Letting out a frustrated growl that sounds more like a pathetic whine, Rae pushes herself back up, leaving the comfort of her bed. 

After a nice, long hot shower, Rae finds herself beneath three layers of blankets. She drifts off to the chords of City and Colour lulling around her. She wakes up, to due to an extremely dry throat, super thirsty for water. Before she can even throw her duvet off and get up, her phone beeps from the bedside table. Smacking her hand around on the surface, her fingers graze her phone pulling it closer to see the screen. There are eight missed calls, twelve texts and three voicemails; all from her mother.

Rae sits up so fast she's certain sure she just pulled something in her back. Fear surges through her body like a tsunami, and the attempts at trying to desperately reach her only means one thing. She's up and out of bed in seconds, clad in ripped blue leggings and an over sized jumper. She finds her shoes, grabs them and her keys in one hand and is out the door in a minute, barefoot on the cold pavement.

*

The drive to the hospice may have involved several curse words and just making lights, but Rae arrives faster than she ever had. The only thing that really slows her down is the damn lift. After waiting for the lift to stop at two floors, she dashes out right as the doors open, running straight to the east wing. Jackie buzzes her in with a sympathetic smile and Rae knows that isn't good. A sharp spasm shoots through her chest when she comes to a stop in front of her brothers room. The door closed. Rae tried taking a deep breath, panting from running. She like time slows down when she turns the knob and opens the door to the visual of her brother that knocks all breath from her. 

Ronan's laying down, grey beanie still on his bald head, and the plastic dinosaur, Rex, clutched in his small hand. His usual bright blue eyes look much more dim as if he's hovering the line between here and the place that was supposedly perfect, set high above the grey clouds. Ronan blinks. The movement of his eyelids slow and languid, fighting to reopen. He's got his same smile on however, Rae notices. Still the same one that dimples his pale hollowed cheeks.

"Ra...Ra." Ronan speaks and Raelyn tries not to focus on how weak her name sounds coming off his lips. 

Rae stood frozen at the door since she opened it, but she can never deny her brother of anything, so she smiles back. She forces herself to take a step forward, then another, and another, until she's right next to his bed. She didn't even notice Dr. Ramsey there until he places a gentle hand in her shoulder. 

"Not much longer, I'm afraid." He informs her softly, grave in tone. He's been telling her that for two weeks. "He's been a real trooper, he has. Still fighting."

Rae catches the tiny change in the doctors tone. He sounds sad, like he's trying to keep his own emotions at bay; Rae does not envy his job. It just means Ronan is still hanging on with everything he has. Ramsey squeezes her shoulder once, then leaves the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. 

Rae knows this is it. The day her and her mum have been dreading. Have been hoping, praying, that it would never come. Trying desperately to believe in something, in miracles, in hope. It all comes crashing down, on her chest, spasing and clenching, gripping so tight she's surprised she can breath right now.

"Hi, Bud." Rae greets tenderly, sitting on his bed. She takes his small hand in hers. The color of their skin contrasting against each other sends another spasm throughout her body. She presses a soft kiss to his nose.

"I don't like it, RaRa." Ronan confesses, meekly trying to squeeze her hand. "It's hurted me."

Rae feels her blood run cold. "I know, Ro. How can I make it better?" She swipes her thumb under his eye, wiping away a tear.

"Hug?" Ronan open his arms, holding them up for a few moments before they fall back to his sides.

"Always, Ro."

Instead of hugging him, Rae climbs into his bed, gingerly pulling him into her lap. She lays against the pillows, Ronan's back resting against her stomach, his head against her chest. She's not sure if he can feel her frantic heartbeat, so she takes a deep breath to calm herself. She wraps her arms around him, trying and wishing to protect him, to shield him from the hands that are metaphorically waiting to take him away.

"Will Nailer and Z-Zyan and...Harry," Roan had to pause to take a breath, "and Liam and Louis...sing to me...again?"

Rae swallows down the panic raising in her chest. "They aren't here today, sweetie."

Ronan pulls an arm from under his sisters, placing his hand on top of her forearm, patting it gently. "Will you...sing to me? The one where," another breath with a weaker voice "Louis sounds pretty. You think he's pretty. You..love him."

Despite the heartbreaking situation, Rae chuckles, if nothing but humorless. "I do love him, don't I? I love you too."

She slides his beanie off, placing the hand she used back on Ronan. She sings Little Things, singing quietly by his ear, rocking them slowly side to side.

"I want mummy." Ronan says, after Rae finished the last chorus. His voice barely above a whisper now.

"She's coming. She'll be here. She loves you, you know. Very much so. I love you, Ronan."

"To the moon and back." He answers, fighting to keep his eyes open. 

"Exactly. To the moon and back. Pass the stars and comets and spaceships and Neverland."

"Peter Pan lives there." Ronan states. His body getting heavier against Rae's, heart beat slowing down. Rae can feel it. 

So she launches into the story of Peter Pan even though they just watched the movie the day before. Rae is just getting passed the part where Peter and the Darling children fly to the second star to the right, when MaryAnn steps into the room. Relief floods through Raelyn, if only for the sole purpose of not having to do this alone. Her mum looks quite frazzled. Hair askew, uniform lopsided, and matching eyes turned frantic and rimmed red. She smiles at her children, making her way to the chair and pulling it beside the bed.

"My baby." She coos softly, stroking Ronan's forehead. "My sweet, beautiful baby."

As Ronan turns his gaze on his mother, smiling and patting his other hand on hers, Rae is busy fighting a battle. She can't take the way her mother looks, recognizing the tightness in her smile and eyes. The way her fingers tremble slightly over Ronan's skin. Rae's chest is throbbing horribly, begging to release everything that make up her panic attacks. Spams continuously shoot through her chest, pricing through muscles, veins, arteries and its own heart. But she can't succumb to it here. She has to be stronger than ever. She can not let herself think about this moment. The moments that passed, counting every limited breath of her brother. Counting between every heartbeat, hearing the beeps on the monitor sounding further and further apart.

"I love you, baby boy." Rae's mothers voice brings her back. "You're my sunshine. My beautiful boy. So proud of you, love. So brave."

"Love mummy. Love you." Ronan breathes out, his eyes slipping shut. They remain closed. "Love RaRa."

"You're my favorite person, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back." Raelyn whispers against the top of his head.

"Moon." He sighs quietly, his patting becoming slower.

Rae hears her mum sniff, silent tears pouring from her eyes. MaryAnn continues to coo at her fading son, the words "sunshine" and "baby" and "beautiful" on repeat. Suddenly the song pops into Rae's head, knowing that it would lull Ronan to an eternal sleep one last time. She braces herself against the war that is soon to erupt in her chest. She keeps one arm around her brother, and places the other on her mothers quaking shoulders, having her mums free hand gripping tightly to her own. MaryAnn leans over to embrace her children.

 

" _You are my sunshine...my only sunshine._ " Rae begins singing softly, brokenly, feeling Ronan's breathing slowing down. 

" _You make me happy when skies are grey. You never noticed, how much I love you. So please don't-_ " Rae's breath hitches painfully- " _take my sunshine away._ "

Her mother lets out a loud sob, the sound cracking through Rae's barrier. Rae continues with a shaky voice, laced with emotion that can't escape through her eyes.

 _The other night dear, while I was sleeping. I dreamt I held you in my arms. But when I awoke dear, you- you were not-not with me. So I hung my head and cried._ "

Her mum is full on sobbing now, hand clutching onto Ronan's, who's patting has slowed to once every few seconds. 

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You never noticed, how much I love you. So please-please d-don't take my-_ "  
Rae's feels Ronan's patting stop all together, as his heart gives one last weak beat- " _my sunshine...away._ "

The deadline echoing throughout the small room is the worse sound Raelyn has ever heard.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....I'm sorry....I'm so sorry.


	48. Aftermath: In the Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of unintentional self-harm moment

It's a strange feeling; having to drive back home after reluctantly giving up a major part of someone's life. Strange to have to let go, release your hold on the most beautiful thing that had graced the world for nearly five years. To numbly walk away, after gathering a few personal things, stuffed animals, a small jumper, a gray beanie. Walk away from a room you've spent the past three years in. It feels strange to leave a place like that, to leave everything you've ever associated with that place, only taking unfathomable heartbreak as a parting gift. It was like wading through thick, muddy water trying to get to the lifts, to the lobby, to the car. Weird to have to split up to take two cars home. Have to carefully keep your mind blank of all thoughts, memories, of the feeling of a body slowly growing cold in your arms, while driving through morning traffic.

No music, no CDs pushed into the slot on the dash, no station tuned to Radio One, not even the white static from an out of range station. Nothing to fill the silence besides the humming of engines, the slight rush of the wind passing by the windows as the car cuts through it. Nothing but the sound of a pounding heart and the small squeak of fingers over the steering wheel, tightening on the leather that covers it. It's all so surreal. 

Rae allows the door to shut quietly behind her with a soft click, after helping her mother get out of her own car, turning to lock it afterwards. When she turns back around, she's greeted by the sight of her mother standing in the middle of the family room. Her normally quiet house now seems to scream it's silence at them, air heavy with the weight that everything is suddenly, extraordinarily different. Then MaryAnn moves; Rae tracing her movements with careful eyes. 

Her mother gently traces her trembling fingers over a picture of Ronan, taken just hours after he was born. Wrapped up a blue blanket, pink skin soft and delicate in the lighting. His eyes are half open, but Rae knew when she took the picture, that warm night in June, how incredibly blue his eyes would be. Rae bites her lip hard, trying to rid the pain that keeps shooting arrows through her chest. The pain that's becoming harder to ignore, and her fingers twitch in anticipation for her skin.

Her mother picks up another picture, one of Ronan held in the air at arms length in her hands. He's giggling brightly, probably just under a year old, if Rae recalls correctly. She watches as her mum clutches the picture to her chest, turning to shoot a watery smile at Rae. It's a horribly heartbreaking smile; it doesn't belong on her mother's face.

Clearing her throat, Rae makes her way further into the room. "I'll make some tea."

MaryAnn fully faces her daughter, placing a tender hand on her cheek. Her sad smile drops the same time her hand does, and Rae watches her walk towards her room, quietly shutting the door. Sighing, Rae shakes her head, shakes out her itching fingers and shoves her own emotions aside for now to make tea for her mum. She can deal with her own self later, right now focuses everything she has on her mother.

Once the kettle's heating on the stove and two mugs wait idly on the counter, Rae fiddles with her phone in her hand. Twice she already unlocked it, then locked it again, turning it over and over in her hand. This time, she stares hard at the black screen like it'll do what she knows she should do for her. She presses the home button, unlocks it for the third time, her thumb hovering over the contacts. 

She wants to tell Louis, she does; even goes as far as pulling up the last text he sent to her. It's just...she has no idea how to tell him. Or anyone. Shit, she forgot she has to inform people now. Has to tell her family, extended family, her grandparents that live in Scotland. Has to tell Kari, Liz, Jasper -who'd probably close his diner for her mother just to come comfort her. Yet, out of everyone she knows has to gravely inform, Louis is the least out of all of them that she wants to. It's because she knows, knows that once the words leave her lips, she'll simultaneously fall apart. Falling apart is not something she can afford right now.

The screaming of the kettle concedes with the tightness in her chest, making her jump and nearly drop her phone. Locking it once more, Rae sets to pouring and perfecting her mum's tea just the was she likes it. She leaves her phone, forgotten on the counter, and brings the two mugs to her mothers bedroom. She taps her foot lightly against the door, careful not to spill the steaming liquid.

"Mum? I've got your tea." She announces, before carefully opening the door with her elbow. "Oh, mummy." Rae frowns, cooing her words without meaning to. 

The sight before makes her chest constrict so tightly, it miraculous she hasn't dropped the mugs yet. Her mother is sitting on her bed, clutching the picture to her chest, sobbing with one hand over her mouth. Rae quickly sets the mugs down on the night table, then climbs into bed, pulling her mother into her arms. She shifts until she finds a more comfortable spot and tightens her hold. Allows her mother to cry into her shoulder, tears quickly beginning to dampen her shirt. 

"My baby's gone." MaryAnn sobs, voice hiccuping on her next words. "my-b-aby."

Rae swallows the dry lump in her throat, pushes absolutely everything she's feeling aside until the need to take care of her mother out weights everything else. She gently hushes her, rocking her back and forth as her mum repeats her words over and over. Rae's not quite sure how to handle this exactly. Not sure she can handle any of it, but all she knows is to hold her mother as tightly as she can. 

*

The beginning of sunrise outside the window allows a soft gray hue to come through the blinds. It covers the room with it's dim lighting. Rae has been awake the whole night, just watching over her mum, made sure to ward any nightmares away. Rae blinks her dry eyes, taking in her mother's sleeping appearance. She looks peaceful, in a strange sort of way, like her dreams are giving her an escape from the reality she's about to wake up too. There are dried tear tracks on her cheeks and her eyelashes clump together from tears as her mum's eyes flutter open. Rae wipes the track of sadness away, like she's been doing all night. MaryAnn fully opens her eyes, then stretches out a hand to brush the hair from Rae's face. Rae smiles at her the best she can.

"Did you sleep at all, my darling?" MaryAnn asks her daughter quietly. Her voice is shot, raspy from sobs.

Rae shakes her head, ignores her mothers disapproving frown. "I'm going to make you some breakfast."

"Raelyn, sweetie bug, get some sleep."

She just leans in to kiss her mother's cheek. "I'll call Jasper. See if he could bring some lunch later."

Her mother sighs wistfully. "Alright, dear."

"You stay here." Rae commands gently, making sure the duvet is tucked around her before she gets up. 

"I love you, Raelyn." She hears her say just as she gets to the door. 

"I love you too, mummy."

*

The smell of roasting coffee beans filling up the kitchen is a welcoming scent Rae knew she needed. She doesn't plan on sleeping any time soon, not with everything she has to do today. Mainly it's taking care of her mum, and finding ways to entertain her hands so they don't rip at her skin. She's doing a good job of it at the moment, mixing her own breakfast creation together; a bit out of the normal of the usual fry-up. Scrambled eggs, with cut up bits of sausage and bacon, some peppers and lots of cheese because her mother will eat dirt if it was smothered in cheese. 

There's grilled tomatoes mixed in and Rae has an extra amount of hash frying in the small pan. The food is looking good, but the smell of it is making her feel a little queasy. She thinks it has to due with the pain in her chest she hasn't been able to take care of yet. It's making everything but the smell of coffee unappealing. Once the food is properly plated, the coffee poured and the right utensils pulled out, Rae brings it all back to her mum. She carefully sets down the food and cup of coffee on the night stand, and Rae doesn't notice it until she looks at her mother. She must have gotten out of bed for the few minutes Rae was in the kitchen, because the bag of Ronan's things in now sitting on the bed.

"Mum, no." Rae can feel all the energy she has left drain out fro her feet.

MaryAnn is clutching Ronan's blanket to her chest, sobbing once more. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

Rae doesn't know who she's actually speaking to. She leans forward, gently tugging the soft fleece from her mother's hands. "It's alright, mum."

She holds her mum for a good five minutes before MaryAnn abruptly stops crying. It's not shocking to know where Rae get's half of that same trait from. Her mum pulls out of her grasp, and looks at her daughter like she's just seeing her for the first time since the night before. She looks to the cooling plate of food, then back to Rae again.

"I'm a horrible mother, making you cook for me." She says, voice a little shaky. "I can never be there for you can I?"

"What? Mum. You are always there for me." Rae tells her fiercely. She's not letting her mother begin to drown in self-loathing. "Please don't think otherwise."

MaryAnn places her hand on her cheek, a knowing, yet sad smile on her lips. "Even if so, darling. I'm glad someone can always be there for you when I can't."

Rae frowns suspiciously.

The smile drops from her mum's mouth. "Have you told him yet?"

The air in Rae's lungs catches in her throat and she's reminded yet again of the insistent throbbing in her chest. "I'll call, Nan and Pop. Then Jasper, he'll come here for you, I know he will. After I'll call the family and Kari and-"

"Sweetheart," MaryAnn interrupts gently, "you've got to tell him."

*

Rae made her way through the list of calls she had to make, Jasper showing up halfway through her conversations with her crying Uncle. Her mum had fallen asleep again, so she instructed Jasper to put the five bags of food he was carrying into the kitchen. Before he made his way to her mother's room, Jasper waited for Rae to hang up, then pulled her in as tight as he could, holding her in a way she ignored that she needed to be held. No words were spoken, none needed to be said. Jasper, over the two years him and her mother has gotten closer, has been the closest thing to another father figure she's severely lacking. She forgets that sometimes. Jasper released her, patted her hand twice, then turned towards the room.

Now Rae is pacing upstairs in her bedroom, finally giving in to her chest and digging away at her skin with her nails. She nicked a wine bottle from the kitchen, taking sips from the half empty bottle like it's nothing but water and glaring at her phone. The device lays innocently on the duvet, mocking her, which is crazy because phones can't physically mock people. The thing is, the reason it's been thrown on the bed in the first place, and the reason Rae takes another long sip from the bottle, is that Louis texted her.

Her texted her two hours ago, and she has yet to reply. Which is probably why the phone is now currently buzzing on her bed. Louis' name lights up the screen and her heart sinks when she remembers just the other day her promise that she'd tell him if anything happened. But he's in France. Louis and the four other boys are in France, frolicking along in front of the Eiffel Tower, not having a care in the world. Which is complete and utter bullshit thought, so Rae puts down the wine bottle.

She knows they're there for business. They'll only be there a few more days, but Rae is going crazy with the need of wanting Louis with her right now. She doesn't want to wait, and she doesn't want to answer the phone when it stops buzzing, only to start up again. She doesn't know how to do it. She doesn't know how to tell him that her brother is gone. That Ronan's last moments were asking for them. That she sang him into an eternal sleep as he literally passed away in her arms.

"Ow! Fuck." Rae gasps suddenly, stopping her pacing.

A sharp, abrupt sting shot through her chest, which made her stop. It felt a little piercing this pain. Like when she accidentally stepped on a piece of glass when she was fourteen and decided to run outside barefoot. However, she isn't outside and Rae suddenly remembers why she grabbed the wine in the first place. She slowly takes her hand away from her chest, and looks down at her fingers.

There's a smudge of red that comes away with her hand, coloring her pale fingertips and nails with it. There's an inch of a scratch on her chest, dotting with blood. The skin around it is scraped and torn, red not from her blood, but from the relentless nails attack it. Rae places her hand back on her chest, applying a small amount of pressure to the cut. She hasn't drawn blood like that since they decided to put Ronan into the hospice, her panic attack she had afterward enough to do it.

Rae's phone is buzzing for the third time, so she pulls her hand away again, sees that the bleeding has stopped and hastily wipes her hand on her jeans. She allows her phone to buzz for a few moments in her hand after she picked it up, sucks in a breath and finally answers. Before she can say a proper greeting, let alone a sound, Louis is talking.

"Do you remember that jet I almost stole?" He asks coolly, clearly not wanting an answer as he speaks again. "I'm currently sat in the cockpit ready to take off if you don't tell me why the bloody hell you haven't answered me."

He doesn't sound angry, per say. More like worried, concerned, and the arrows continue to shoot through Rae's chest. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

"Rae? Please." Louis begs, his voice softening.

She can't do it. She can't tell him. He keeps calling her name, but she can't force the words out. She swallows thickly, the lump painful in her throat.

"Raelyn?" Louis' voice is now shaky. Sounds like he's coming to his own, what will be true, conclusion.

She can't seem to find the air in her lungs anymore. She thinks she gasps, or makes a strangled noise because Louis is now telling her to count and breathe. He sounds out of breath himself, but Louis isn't Louis if he's not making sure Rae is okay before himself. Vaguely, in the back of her mind, she understands what her mother said to her. Rae squeezes her eyes shut, her free hand flying back to her chest, nails digging deep into her skin trying to rip the painful words out.

"He's gone." Rae gasps out, doubling over just trying to fucking breathe.

Louis is utterly silent on the other end. It's with a sudden clarity that Rae now accepts this fact. Her little brother is no longer here. She feels the walls closing in and her chest is squeezing out whatever air is left.

"Ronan's gone." 

 

****


	49. Aftermath: Wednesday not Friday

The house is eerily quiet. The rising morning sun casting a soft hue of light through the house. It filters in through the blinds, painting everything it touches in stripes of gold and black. It's so quiet, one can almost hear dust particles land on the furniture inside the house. The weather seems to be in an opposite mood; the faint songs of birds twittering scattered in the trees, as the first signs of springs finally come into play. It's been warming up, the sun has been shining like it's got something to smile about. Like the giant ball of flames dances happily in space, and decides that everyone below should share it's joy.

A sigh is released; sounds like the definition of pity. It makes Rae's eyes flutter back into focus from staring at the sunrise's patterns on her wooden floor. When she has enough sense of herself again, she looks up for the source of the sound. Kari is suddenly next to her, gently tugging something out of her loose grip and placing it on the night table with a soft thud.

"Does your mother know you've gone through nearly two bottles of wine?" Kari questions gently. 

She moves like she's about to push strands of Rae's hair back when she pauses. Instead she directs her hand next to her right knee, picking up another bottle. Rae hears her mutter a string of curses under her breath, watching as her friend shakes her head a little. She places the empty bottle, this one much smaller and thinner, next to the wine bottle. Kari pinches the bridge of her nose for a moment, pulls something out of her purse and grabs Rae's right hand. She begins putting a glove on said hand and Rae just allows her.

"How many times did you throw up?" Her friend asks, tightening the elcro around the wrist of the glove.

Rae says nothing but holds up two fingers. Kari moves on to the next hand, starting the same process over.

"Not surprising. Whiskey and wine do not mix well and you should know that." Kari pats her hand when she's done, then finally moves Rae's hair aside. "Your phone's dead, by the way."

Rae glances down at her phone by her left knee. The screen's been black since she got off the phone with Louis seventeen hours ago. She had a serve panic attack over the phone, which took Louis nearly two hours to fully and completely calm her down. She later realised, through the mist of her frantic mind, and after she was finally able to breath properly, Louis had been crying. She remembers how raspy and shaky his voice was when he asked her questions, when he cooed to her through the speaker. She recalls hearing soft sniffs, as if he was trying to hide the fact that he was upset. However, she could't tell if he was crying because of the news she dropped on him, or if he was just was blindly frustrated and terrified that he couldn't get to her personally. Her phone died just minutes after she hung up, never bothering to plug it in.

She nods.

"Have you eaten anything?"

Rae shakes her head no.

"Taken a shower?"

No again.

"Have you moved at all?"

"Check on mum." Rae finally mumbles, slurring a bit.

Kari sighs again. "Well, you sure did a number on your chest." 

Looking down, Rae now just notices how red her chest is. She quickly looks back up, deciding not to tell her friend that she doesn't even remember doing that. It explains the gloves. When she fixes her gaze on Kari again, she's frowning. Rae doesn't want pity, despite how pitiful she may seem at the moment. She decides that maybe she shouldn't show this horribly pathetic side while she's in the presence of others, and especially not her mother. 

"Has me mum eaten, do you know?" She asks Kari, who's taken to braiding Rae's hair; it's a comforting gesture.

"I don't think so. Her door was closed when I came. Jasper let me in. I'm sure he's taken good care of her."

"'M make her brekkie." Rae informs. She goes to stand, but having her legs crisscrossed of so long, they're stiff. So when she gets her feet on the cool floor, she wobbles dangerously; she blames her numb legs...or the amount of alcohol she drank all night. Her head swims and visions sways. Definitely the alcohol.

"Shit, Rae. Don't move so fast." Kari chides, a firm grasp on both of Rae's shoulders. "Oh my god, you are so pissed. We can't let your mum see you like this."

"Sorry." Rae mutters, dropping her head. The floor is moving like waves under her feet.

"Don't be. Lets get some coffee and food in you. Sober you up a bit, yeah?"

Rae nods gratefully, then quickly stops because any more volunteered movement will end horribly.

*

Kari actually makes Rae stay on the couch after an entertaining trip down the stairs. Makes her coffee and a breakfast loaded with carbs to help soak up the alcohol. She's been running on nearly forty-eight hours of no sleep, and she finally crashes for nearly two hours on the couch. She's startled awake by nightmares, but at least she's sober now, if a little hung over...a lot hungover. Her head throbs when she sits up, and her throat is so parched it feels like she swallowed sand. She notices two white pills next to glass of water on the coffee table. She has to remember to give Kari her favorite chocolate from the next town over in gratitude. When she makes her way into the kitchen, glass of water in hand, Jasper is standing in front of the stove, watching the kettle heat up. Kari's sitting at the table, tapping away on her phone, but looks up when she hears Rae enter.

"Good morning, Star Shine!" Kari greets brightly. A little too loud, and a little too false. Rae sees right through her tough act; Ronan affects her too. "Bit hung over, are we?"

Rae simply flicks her off, but offers her the smallest smile as well. She goes to take a sip of water when Kari's words freeze her movement.

"Jasper says you drove to Louis' last night. Rather tipsy at the time."

She remembers that. Clearly remembers grabbing her keys and getting into her car, driving the direction of his flat. She wasn't that intoxicated, but apparently it was enough to drive halfway there, only to remember he was still in France, and drive back. She even remembers walking back in her house and getting an ear full from Jasper. It was stupid move on her part.

"Mum still hasn't gotten out of bed?" Rae inquires, ignoring Kari.

Her question makes Jasper look away from the slow boiling kettle. "No. She's sleeping right now though. Maybe after you shower you can help me coax her outside?"

Rae frowns. "Do I really look that bad?"

"Might crack some mirrors." Kari deadpans, then winks. "It'll honestly make you feel better. I promise."

*

Rae stays in the shower until the hot water turns colds. Instead of trying to get her mother out of bed, she crawls next to her, hugging her waist and tries to fall asleep once more.

*

There's been this insisting, irritating, tapping noise filling the room for the past ten minutes. It grows softer every now and then, but picks up its volumes again and again. It's a sound everyone is trying to ignore, trying to let it pass and pretend it isn't annoying the shit out of them. It only takes another two minutes for someone to finally put an end to the noise, slapping their hand right over Louis' fingers.

"Louis, please. I understand that your anxious, but if you don't stop I will glue your fingers to the table." Liam hisses under his breath.

"That's quite rude, Liam." Louis retorts in the same manner, snatching his hand out from under Liam's. "If you don't like it, then leave the band."

Liam sighs in exasperation. 

He doesn't mean to be snippy, but they've been sitting in this God awful conference room for the past hour. He shouldn't be rude to Liam; he's been helping Louis in convincing their management to let them go home two days early. Liam has put up a strong case, saying they've done all the promoting there was to do, save for the last one. It's a radio interview that can easily be done over the phone. One of the team members of their management had the actual nerve to say their reason for going back wasn't enough. As if the tragic death of a child was something to wave off because _"he's not your brother. She's not important."_

Louis was livid at that, nearly jumping out of his seat with intentions of dumping the woman's hot coffee on her lap. If it wasn't for Zayn's furious _"Fuck you, cunt!"_ he spat at her, then he would have. Zyan had gotten out of his seat so fast the chair fell over, glared menacingly at the stunned lady, then left the room. He hasn't returned.

Niall's been muttering curses under his breath, his Irish accent so thick at times that Louis can't understand him anymore. He's been alternating between biting at his nails, and jiggling his leg anxiously. Harry's been silent this whole time, occasionally letting small sniffles he can't contain out. Liam, he's been in serious business mode since they stepped into the room. It may have been that he was the first one to hear of the news, having come to fetch Louis out of the jet again. The first one to see him break down for many different reasons; the main one being that in the midst of Rae's horrifying panic attack, she let slip of how Ronan had passed.

Her sentences were choppy, discombobulated and short of breath. Her words hardly made sense to him, but eventually, Louis figured it out. Rae had held her brother in her arms as he slipped away, and if Louis can't get to her right fucking _now_ , there will be hell to pay. He won't hesitate to bring his wrath down on the same lady who's still glaring daggers at Zayn's fallen chair. Louis clenches his hands into tight fist, repressing the urge to punch something. Just as he's considering how much damage a solid oak conference table will do to his knuckles, one of the pricks of management speaks up.

"Alright then." The man says. He's short and balding and Louis hates him. "You can go home. However, Zayn has to do the interview for the full hour on the phone. Which will be in ten minutes. After, you are free to go."

It's a lame form of punishment for Zayn, and Liam starts thanking them as soon as the man finishes speaking, but Louis is out of his chair in a flash.

*

The flight only take an hour and several minutes, and getting through the private airport was easy. Something Louis wasn't expecting, because he was a ball of anxious mess that he nearly tore up the leather of the seat. He understands a little better how Rae does it so easily. The car ride from the airport takes them longer though. There's so much traffic and at one point Louis was ready to jump out the car and just run to Rae's. Instead, after another half hour, the car takes them straight to Louis' and Harry's flat. They all pile out, grab their bags, race up to the door. Louis buzzes around in a flurry, barely noticing anything the boys are doing, and when he's finally gotten himself remotely together, grabbing his keys, he halts at the door.

All four of them have at least something in there hand. Harry's ridiculous with his inhaler in his hand, clutched tightly in his palm, and Pepper mewling happily in his other. Niall's got a plastic bag full of what looks like junk food, and a box of Rae's favorite biscuits. She requested they get some for whenever she pops by, and Louis just bought that box before they left for France. Liam raided his and Harry's movie collection, having chosen some great classics; Grease, The Breakfast Club, The Goonies, and...Breakfast at Tiffany's. Rae had left that behind by accident the time she playfully demand they watch. Zayn is clutching a bottle of red wine and Louis knows she will fully appreciate that.

Something swells in his chest, growing bigger and bigger until it blurs his vision and comes out in the form of grateful tears. His emotions set off a bit of a chain reaction because suddenly, the other boys all have tear in their eyes as well. Louis hastily wipes them away, trying to control his emotions. They can't all just cry it out right now, can't show how red their eyes will become when they get to Rae's. Louis huffs his humorlessly laughter, then beckons them to follow him out the door.

He's not sure what to expect when they get there and the answer to that is enough to make him hesitate. His fist is raised in the air to knock, but he can't make his knuckles touch the wood. Instead, another hand bypasses his to rap on the door and when Louis looks back, Niall smiles sadly at him. Louis mentally holds his breath, but when the door opens a few moments later, it's all knocked out of him.

Rae seems to have the same thing happen to her, air leaving her lungs with a soft whoosh. It's only a split second, then she's inhaling sharply, hand flying to her chest. The jumper she's wearing stops just below her collarbones, enough for Louis to see just how red the beginning of her skin is. 

She looks...well, horrible. No one expects it to be different from who she just lost, but it's still shocking to see. Her normally bright eyes are darker in shade; like the ocean just after a rough storm, dull and murky. Filled with unshed tears. There's bags under her eyes, lilac in color and standing out against her abnormally pale skin, the whites of her eyes bloodshot. Her eyelids and just under her lower lashes are smeared with left over makeup she hasn't taken off. Her lips are a little dry as if she's been pulling at them in an alternative to pressing on her chest. She actually looks a little sick, sways slightly on the spot and has to catch herself on the door frame. Louis wants to hold her and never let go.

"What...what are you doing here?" Rae asks breathlessly, eyes scanning them like she's making sure she isn't dreaming.

"You." Is Louis' brilliant response. His heart aches for her.

"You're suppose to be in France." She shakes her head in disbelief.

Niall steps up, holding up the bag in his hand. "Figured you may need some friends around. We've brought goodies."

Rae's bottom lip cracks a little when she smiles. It tells Louis that she hasn't performed that action for a while. It also tells Louis to never let Niall out of his life if he can brighten a horribly tragic situation if only for just a few moments. Coming back early was the right decision. 

**********


	50. Aftermath: Oh I'm a Mess Right Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (song title from Ed Sheeran's I'm A Mess)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/156151105@N04/34794060874/in/dateposted-public/)

 

Louis has never seen so many baked goods in one place outside of a bakery, but this, this takes the cake; no pun intended. All the space on the kitchen counters are occupied by varieties of different cupcakes, biscuits, and Louis swears that's a tiramisu cake. There's flour sprinkled on the stove and floor, a couple of spear chocolate chips by the mixer and yeah, that's an blackberry pie, sitting by the sink. It could feed their whole tour crew.

He's also never seen Rae drunk before, ever. Her eyes has this shiny tint to them, if a little clouded over. This is anything but giddy tipsy, or pissed, he's not quite sure how much she's had to drink already before they got there. He was informed by Kari, who had gotten his number out of Rae's phone once it was charged, that she had taken away a half empty bottle of red wine, and an empty 375ml bottle of Jameson. Louis didn't even notice what is probably the same wine bottle in her hand, lips tinted from the colour. She sways a little on the spot, wobbling next to Zayn, pointing to the desserts on the counter.

"I baked." Rae announces unnecessarily.

She sways again, this time stumbling a little into Zayn, who's quick to catch her around the waist with one arm. Without her seeing, Zayns hands his own unopened bottle of wine to Liam, motioning for him to get it out of the house. He steadies her on her feet, shooting a panicked look over Louis' way. He comes to help, confiscating the nearly empty bottle from her loose grip. Rae leaves Zayn's hold and opts for Louis instead, blinking like she's memorizing him in detail. 

"Hi, love." Louis greets her softly, wrapping his arms around her waist in case she stumbles again.

Rae brings her hand up to his face, fingertips grazing under his eye and trailing to his cheekbone. Her touch leaves goosepimples along the way and a shiver down his spine. She traces along his jaw, over the light stubble growing there, over to his lip, then back to his eye.

"Don't cry." She's whispering, wine scented breath ghosting over his lips. "I can't cry. So you don't cry."

Louis is a bloody idiot. It all makes sense now; the baking, _stress_ baking, the bottles of alcohol, her utter exhaustion. Raelyn physically can not cry, can't show a form of grief by shedding tears, and even though he spent two hours trying to coax her through her panic attack, he had idiotically forgotten that fact. He doesn't doubt that his own eyes are probably a little bloodshot from his own tears. There's a pressing need to check beneath her shirt now. Has to see the damage done to her skin, but when Louis tries to gently pull down the collar of her shirt, Rae detaches herself.

She's frantically shaking her head, hair falling out from the messy braid its in. She stops then, possibly from the vertigo she just gave herself and presses her right hand into her chest. She's not digging, or clutching, but just firmly pressing down. The room's been quiet since she commanded Louis not to cry, all watching her carefully to see what she'll do next. The next several moments passes in tense silence, but all she does is stand there staring at him.

"Lou," Harry speaks up from behind him, he's been holding a sleeping Pepper this whole time. Louis barely tilts his head in his direction. "Maybe we should get her to bed."

This snaps Rae out of her dazed look. She looks over Louis' shoulder, like she sudden remembers everyone else is there. She blinks once, then with the grace and balance she didn't have a minute ago, turns on her heel and a walks out of the kitchen, narrowly avoiding Liam who has come back. Louis sighs, rubbing a hand down his face, scrubbing at his eyes. This isn't going to be easy at all, and he's mentally trying to prepare for anything that could happen.

"Jesus Christ." Niall huffs out. "Whadd'ya still standing there for, Louis? Go after her."

Right. That's probably a solid suggestion. "Right. Yeah, alright. Someone check on her mum though?"

"I've got it." Liam offers kindly.

Louis follows where Rae took off, hesitating only to watch Liam leave the kitchen as well, and finds Rae sitting on the sofa with both hands over her heart. His own breaks for her, has this feeling that's all it's going to be doing for however long it takes to get her through this. She's curled up in the corner, knees to her chest, just staring blankly at the empty fireplace.

He cautiously sits next to her, places his hand on her knee and rubs soothing circles with his thumb. He knows words are not something she needs right now. All she needs is someone to just be there for her, right next to her, so that when she does finally feel like talking, she can. He doesn't know too much yet, just little snippets of what happened a day ago, and the few updates Kari had texted him. There's no indication on how MaryAnn is doing and Louis hopes that both women have at least been there for each other. The state Rae is currently in however, doesn't really point that way, at least for the past several hours.

All that fills the room is the sounds of their breathing. Rae's sounding calculated, probably counting each one in her head to ward off pending attacks. Louis is trying to keep his just as serene, avoiding any emotion he's feeling as to not set her off. He's still itching to peak under her shirt, itching to know how bad she's been hurting herself. His eyes wonder to her hands, still covering the majority of her chest plate. Slowly, cautiously, Louis pulls one hand away from her chest. She doesn't react, so he does the same thing with the other, slowly pulling it away until both her hands are held in his.

Several small spots dot in a line on her shirt. The color of it is purple, but the spots are dark enough to soak through the material and Louis can feel his heart drop to his stomach and twist in horrible realization. She drew blood. Of fucking course she drew blood, because he hadn't been there to stop her. Hadn't been there to hold her, sooth her, comfort her, be her anchor for her hands to hold on to. He glances at her nails, which are a good length to break skin. Slowly again, he places his hand on the collar of her shirt, catching her eye to silently ask for permission. She looks away anxiously and doesn't stop him from pulling the collar down until he can see what's she's done.

The twisting intensifies a little, but it's not as bad as he thought it would be. Her skin is a brilliant shade of red, but there's only two scratches that were deep and sharp enough to draw blood. One looks a little deeper than the other, longer and surrounded by scraped skin; they kind of look like scratches left from Pepper when she plays too rough with him. The blood on her shirt has to be a few hours old, since both scratches have stopped bleeding, which is at least a bit of a relief.

"Raelyn." Louis breaths, this moment still so fragile.

She slumps into herself, shaking her head once. She look so exhausted, like she's going to pass out any minute. Louis doesn't push her, just pulls her into his side, wrapping his arms around her once more and presses a soft kiss to her temple.

*

Liam had come back from MaryAnn's room, informing Louis that Jasper has been in and out of the house trying to take care of both girls. He joins them on the couch after a quick hug to Rae, who doesn't even move to return it. Liam frowns with concern and Louis just shakes his head to forget it. He's not even holding on to her anymore. He's sat right next to her, but he feels like he's back in France. Zayn, Niall and Harry take their time coming out of the kitchen, saying they cleared everything they could, cleaned the mess and hid every bottle of alcohol they could find.

Raelyn has been so quiet since she left the kitchen, it's suddenly like she's almost...empty. She only moves when she is doing something for her mother, be it offering her a drink or food or anything, then Rae always comes back to the same spot on the couch. Knees curled up to her chest, staring at a spot on the wall just above the fireplace. At one point, Pepper who had been exploring her new surroundings, hops up onto the couch and asserts herself in Rae's lap. There's a moment that makes Louis' heart swell. Pepper bumps her head against Rae's chin, purring loudly and flicking her tail lazily. Rae actually meets the cat's big, hazel eyes, leans forward to touch noses, then slowly lifts her left hand to scratch behind the cats ears. Pepper falls asleep curled up in Rae's lap, her purring a nonstop soundtrack in the otherwise quiet room. Louis throws a grateful smile over to Harry. They all take turns holding Rae's right hand whenever she makes an abrupt movement to her chest, which happens often than not.

It's an hour later when she gets up to go to the bathroom after another failed attempt to feed her mum, Rae doesn't return. Pepper's nowhere to be found either. Honestly, Louis should have been more attentive instead of focusing on making the perfect pot of tea he decided to make her. Had gotten up the same time she did to grab some food from the kitchen and prepare it for her mother. It's Niall who finally pipes up, voicing his concern.

"Where's Rae?" He questions curiously.

Louis hears him from the kitchen and pops his head around the opening, abandoning the tea. He sees Niall's brow furrowed in worry, looking around as if Rae is hiding somewhere in the room. Harry, who'd been lounging on the other end of the couch, alertly sits up. 

"Zayn's gone too." Harry notes.

"Thought he went for a smoke, no?" Liam wonders, and now Louis is just as concerned.

"I thought we weren't going to leave her alone for more than a couple minutes." Louis chides, entering the room, eyes locked on the stairs. "How long has she been missing?"

"I just noticed." Is Niall's answer, shrugging sheepishly. 

"Fifteen minutes, give or take." Liam supplies helpfully.

"Maybe Zayn went after her?" Suggests Harry.

Louis hums in thought, attempting to keep his panic down. He ponders that option for a few moments before deciding to test that theory. He tells the boys this much, then hops up the steps two at a time. It's quiet when he gets upstairs, but that's not something new anymore. 

There's no noise coming from the bathroom, or either rooms. The lights are off in the hallway, with just the setting sun barely shining through the far window. Rae's door is shut, and on any other day this wouldn't be concerning, but she just lost the most important person to her, and being left alone with her chest already deep red and welting, is not ideal. 

Carefully, silently, Louis twists the door handle and pushes the door open. He opens it just enough to see through the crack he's made, and spots Zayn sitting on the bed, with Rae's head on his lap and Pepper curled up into her stomach. He's holding Rae's right hand with his left, while his other hand is buried in her hair, fingers gently brushing through the dark strains. Her eyes are closed, her breathing even and slow, and Louis knows she's finally, finally asleep. So he just watches them for a while, listening to Pepper's soft purrs.

He finally pushes the door open a little more, which makes the top hinge on the frame squeak. Louis winces, Pepper's ears twitch, but Rae reminds sound asleep. However, Zayn, who had been looking down at Rae this whole time, snaps his head up, startled. He stares at Louis for a few moments before shrugging, goes back to gently running his fingers through her hair.

"I've never seen an panic attack that bad before." Zayn states quietly, eyes locked on the sleeping girl. 

Louis steps fully into the room, gently closing the door behind him, and sits on the circle chair. Patience is key when it comes to Zayn and serious topics. So Louis just waits, forearms resting on his thighs for him to speak again.

"She drew blood this time. She dug so deep that she accidentally cut herself."

Louis' eye snap to Rae's chest, but all he can see is her hair covering her up to her neck. He's neglected to inform them that she's cut herself before. Zayn continues.

"It was really bad, Lou. I couldn't calm her down, but I couldn't leave her like that to get you. She actually begged me to stay, held my arm so tight she left marks." He holds the arm he was using to brush Rae's hair up for Louis to see. There are little crescent-shaped indents on his skin, just above his wrist between his tattoos. Louis frowns as Zayn goes back to playing with her hair. 

"I didn't know what to do," He confesses, voice dropping quietly, "the breathing technique wasn't working and I swear I thought she was actually going to cry. She wants to so badly but she just can't. So I just started singing. I held her and sang and she began to calm down, enough for her to count her breaths. Then she nearly fell over, she's incredible exhausted."

As Zayn finishes, Louis drops his head in his hands, fingers pressing hard against his eyes. He feels them prickling with tears, wishes so badly that Rae can shed even one so she wouldn't have to resort to mauling her chest. He presses his thumbs to the corner of his eyes, feeling the tears there he doesn't want to release. Louis sighs heavily; he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to handle this properly, how to help Rae, how to help her mother. He's trying to do everything he can but it isn't enough. It never seems to be enough, and finally, he thinks, that maybe it'll never be when it comes to this situation. 

"Louis. You alright mate?" Zayn's soft voice breaks through his thoughts.

Shrugging, Louis lifts his head enough to make eye contact with him. "'M not sure what to do here, Z."

Zayn lifts his right eyebrow like the answer is obvious. He glances down at Rae who's still sleeping, hand still linked with his own, then back to Louis. "You do what you've been doing Louis. You love her, and continue to love her. There's a huge difference with this happening now then if it happened a year ago. Her mother, her, they're not alone in this. Rae's not alone. She has help and though she's insanely and utterly heartbroken right now, you know she appreciates everything you do. Everything you are to her. So just...don't stop what you're doing. They're grieving. But you are there for her. That says so much more than any condolence flowers, or cupcakes. She needs you."

Louis nods because his words are stuck in his throat. He rubs a hand over his faces and nods again. "Did you know that cat's purr can be theraputic?" He asks.

Zayn shakes his head. "Not surprising though. Pep hasn't left her side, pretty sure her purring helped. Animals just know man. They always know when a person is sad and try to fix it with their furry tails and cut ears."

Louis smiles a little bit. If purring is all Rae needs to feel even a little relaxed, Pepper can live here until her heart starts to heal. It's funny, how Rae automatically took a disliking to Pepper when she first saw her, only due to the fact that her first and only cat was taken from her in a breakup. Louis considers the possibilities of giving Pepper to her now, probably wouldn't go over well with Harry. He's become so found of the little creature. Maybe it could be a joint cat custody. Zayn's voice pulls him out of his head. 

"Would you like to take my place?" He is asking, gesturing slightly to where he's sitting. 

Swallowing thickly, Louis answers, "Nah. She looks comfortable. Wouldn't want risk waking her, she needs sleep. But call me if anything..."

Zayn nods as Louis stands up to leave, before he shuts the door, Zayn speaks up again. "She loves you, Lou. I believe that with everything I have."

Louis throws him a smile over his shoulder, heart still tangled in his stomach, then quietly shuts the door. 

********************************************************************


	51. I Saw Scars Upon a Broken Hearted Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Unintentional self harm and a bit of blood in this chapter, but I swear it ends nicely

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/156151105@N04/35495049582/in/dateposted-public/)

It's quite early in the morning, judging by the digital time on the DVD player, a soft dim light casting through the windows. Louis rubs his eyes, wondering when he fell asleep on the couch, with an elbow digging into his spine. Niall is sleeping in an uncomfortable position half on top of Louis; explains the elbow. He hears a clutter coming from the kitchen, which he now realizes is what woke him in the first place. Carefully slipping off the couch so Niall doesn't fall off, he pads his way to the kitchen, stepping over a sleeping Liam on the floor in the process, Zyan and Harry no where to be seen. MaryAnn is shuffling around the kitchen, taking a mug from the drying rack and setting the kettle on the stove. She turns around and spots Louis, pausing for a moment.

"I can do that for you." Louis offers politely.

MaryAnn smiles gratefully but waves him off. "No need, dear. Jasper just left. Sorry if I woke you. Would you like a cup?"

Nodding, Louis takes a seat at the island counter on one of the stools. He watches as Rae's mother moves around, notices when she rubs at her swollen, bloodshot eyes. Her light blonde hair is twisted up into a bun, and it looks so much like Rae's when her hair is falling out after she's slept with it. She's wearing a fluffy blue robe that makes the colour of her eyes pop against it, and again, Louis is struck with how much Rae looks like her mother. How much Ronan looked like both of them; same blue eyes, same smile, the soft roundness of his cheeks whenever he smiled; exactly like Rae. He wonders how much worse it is to lose a child, if the level Rae is on is a thousand times worse for MaryAnn. Sadly, he knows it is.

"Are you hungry?" Louis asks, hoping that she'll actually eat something. "Rae made cupcakes, but we can call them muffins so they sound healthier."

MaryAnn sets a mug of tea in front of Louis, staring at him for a moment. Then, she laughs. "It does sound better, doesn't it." She pats his hand fondly. "Milk, love?"

"No thanks, just sugar please." Louis smiles. He's elated that he made her laugh, something he has to tell Rae when she wakes up. MaryAnn places a bowl of sugar and spoon on the counter. "Rae's been worried about you. Doesn't think you're eating enough."

Sighing, the older woman considers this. She eyes one of the cupcakes in a container. Then, she turns, pops the lid open, pulls the paper wrapper down and takes a big bite. It's nothing close to a proper meal, but it'll do for now. She finishes the treat while Louis stirs sugar into his tea, taking cautious sips.

"You are so good for her, Louis." MaryAnn tells him, smile growing soft as the dawning light begins to turn into a gentle gold. "I've never seen someone care for her like she deserves. You do, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For all of you lovely boys."

"I love your daughter, Ms. White." Louis confesses, eyes dropping to his steaming cup of tea. She deserves to know, and figures Rae hasn't really had time to sit down with her mother and tell her.

"I think you can call me MaryAnn, at this point, Louis." She smiles kindly. "And I know, I can see it. One doesn't threaten to steal a plane just to see someone." She winks. "Liam told me."

Louis grumbles against his mug. He looks up when Niall walks into the kitchen, Pepper curled up in his arms. "Morning, should I make some food?" Niall questions.

MaryAnn perks up a little, putting down her her cup. "Who is this pretty kitty?"

"This is Pepper Potts." Niall informs her brightly, while MaryAnn pets the cat.

"From Iron Man?"

Louis loves this family's loves of superheros. Seems to be this on going love for the Marvel Superhero millionaire. He watches as MaryAnn coos softly at Pepper, scratching her finger under the cat's chin, causing purrs to fill the room. The moment is quickly broken however, when someone shouts from the second floor.

"Louis!" Harry's voice shouts from upstairs. The urgency in his voices makes them snap their heads towards the stairs. MaryAnn takes a forward step, but Louis stops her.

"I've got it, Ms. White." He assures her, sliding off the stool.

Niall hands Pepper over to MaryAnn. Instead of correcting him to use her first name, she just frowns deeply. Concerned for her daughter and why Harry sounds so pressing. Louis ushers her out of the room, just as Harry calls his name again. He makes sure Niall has his arm hooked with MaryAnn's before quickly dashing through the room, bypassing a disgruntled yet alert Liam, taking the stairs two at a time. When he reaches the landing, he comes face to face with Harry. He looks a little pale, his jade colored eyes wide and a little frightened.

"Haz?" Louis questions, concerned. "What is it?"

Harry shakes his head. "It's really bad, Lou." Then taps at his chest.

Louis' stomach churns. "Hey, it's okay, alright? Could you make some tea for her?"

Harry nods again, shoots him a grateful look and hurries downstairs. Louis takes a deep breath, trying to calm his anxious heart, and shakes out his hands. Bracing himself, Louis walks the short distance to Rae's room. The door is wide open and Zayn has Rae hunched over her thighs, a clear sign to help her breath easier. He's got a firm hold on her wrists, and looks up when he spots Louis. He leans down to say something in Rae's ear and she nods before he gets up. Rae shoves her hands under her thighs.

"I left her alone for a few seconds, Lou." Zayn informs quietly. "I'm not sure what happened. She woke up having a panic attack, and I was able to calm her, or at least I thought. I left to go to the loo and when I came back..." Zayn shakes himself for a moment.

Louis hasn't taken his eyes off of Rae. He watches as she tries to inhale deeply, counting to herself before exhaling. "How bad?"

"Pretty bad, mate. Harry was already coming up the stairs apparently and walked in on her doing...she's bleeding. Scratched herself up pretty bad."

If Louis' stomach hasn't already fallen to his feet, it's at the core of the earth by now. "Check on Harry, yeah? Make sure he's okay too. I've got her from here."

Zayn lifts a hand to his shoulder and squeezes. "Call if you need anything. I'd stay but-"

"You're good, mate." Louis smiles the best he can. Once Zayn leaves, Louis closes the door, then slowly walks over to Rae. "Raelyn." Louis says gently, kneeling down in front of her. He takes her hands out from her thighs, running soothing circles over her knuckles. "Can you breathe?"

Rae nods.

"Can I..." Louis mentally has to brace himself again. "Can I see?"

It takes several moments. When Rae finally straightens up, the reveal of her chest causes a gasp to escape Louis' mouth before he has a chance to stop it. He suddenly feels sick, and his heart drops to join his stomach. That first tiny scratch is minuscule now compare to this. Rae's chest looks like a morbid display of fireworks, various shades of pinks and reds standing stark against her skin. There's a wide variety of scratches that are deep enough to draw lines of blood. If Louis didn't know any better, he would think Rae tried giving Pepper a bath. It really looks like a cat used her chest as a scratching post.

Louis can count at least five distinctive lines etched into her skin, broken and jagged. He can see where her nails dug into her flesh, just below her collarbones. They start out wide, and then pull in closer to the middle, like she was kneading her own skin. Thankfully, despite this horrid situation, there are the only three that are truly bleeding. Her skin around the cuts is flaming red however, still irritated from her long, and abnormally sharp nails. He makes a mental note to have then trimmed down.

The lowest sits just at the start of her cleavage, dips between the subtle valley, and this is horrible. Louis watches a thin streak of blood that's slowly making its way down her shirt, and his throat tightens. He has seen what he thought was the worst of this earlier, and he's positive it has never gotten this bad before. Well, he's not sure what she was like after Vinny's funeral, but that was then and this is now, and Louis has a job to do. Almost automatically, Raelyn slips her right her hand out of his left, going to add more to the injury, but Louis catches her wrist in time. Instead, he laces his fingers with hers and holds tight.

"Fucking hell, Rae." Louis cruses breathlessly. "Have you not realized how bad this, love? Doesn't it hurt?"

Rae looks down, stares at her red skin with raised lines. She shakes her head. Her eyes meet his and he never, ever wants to see this tragically vacant look in her blue eyes again. Louis can barely see the gold speck in her right eye. His heart is literally breaking in his chest; can feel the shards of it falling to his feet. If she doesn't realize or feel what she's been doing to her chest then, well. Fuck.

***

 

Louis can't help it anymore, can't ignore that tight feeling in his chest crawling its way up to his throat. His eyes begin to prickle with the tears he's been suppressing since they left France. As he runs a small flannel under the faucet, the edges of his vision blur with tears. He blinks rapidly, trying to hold them in just a little longer. He doesn't want Rae to see how much this is really affecting him, see how red his eyes are.

Red, like the flaming skin on her chest plate. Red, like the blood she keeps drawing from herself. Her skin is so scratched, maroon and streaked with lines welted and scraped. She's made her chest that way because she literally can't feel anything else, physically can't shed the tears she desperately wants too. It's too much watching her try to reach her heart, trying to rip it out if it makes the pain just stop. It breaks his own to watch Rae handle her mother, pretends she's fully put together to feed her mum, or give her more support than herself. Difficult to watch as she tries to make herself function. Hard to watch her cave into herself, to not even look at her camera, to hardly even look at him.

Hot water stings at his hands before Louis realizes the temperature. He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth, quickly pulling his hands away and twisting the water off. He shakes his hands out, picks up the flannel he dropped in the process and squeezes out the more hot than warm water. Once he's collected the antiseptic from under the sink, along with plasters and gaze pads and other various supplies, he takes a look in the mirror. Unfortunately, attempting to keep his eyes free from the colour red fails him. He shakes his head, looks up to clear his tears away and gathers everything he needs and heads back to Raelyn's room.

She's still sitting on her bed, hasn't moved from the spot where Louis told her to stay put. She's staring at the wall, and when Louis follows her gaze, he sees one of the more recent pictures of Ronan, edges tucked into the frame of the mirrored closet. Louis' heart twinges, inhales slowly. Rae photographed her brother so perfectly.

The camera is zoomed close to his face like a portrait photo. He doesn't know how she was able to do it, but she captured his innocent in this one picture. Maybe it has to do with how his incredible blue eyes are full of wonder; wide like they just beckoned the colour of the sky. His small lips are slightly parted, as if he was mesmerized by his sister; Louis relates to that feeling. Probably has the same look on his face every time she gets behind her camera. There's a hint of an edge of a beanie on Ronan's head, just barely making it into the frame. The photo is in black and white, save for the colour splash of his eyes, and it's so hauntingly beautiful.

Louis collects himself, pulling his eyes away from the picture to the task at hand. The flannel has cooled down some, and when he gently places it over Rae's chest, she startles. Other than her little jump at his touch, Rae remains stoic, stormy eyes still locked on the photo. He gently dabs at the open cuts, trying to stop some of the bleeding from the deeper scratches.

Once Louis thinks he's done all he could do for that part, he takes the smaller flannel, folds it into a square and generously soaks some antiseptic into the fabric. He considers the horrific artwork displayed below her collarbones, exposed from the scoop neckline of the tank top she's wearing. He decides to start with the deepest and longest looking wound, leaving the smaller one to work with last. He double checks the spot where the liquid is heaviest, then presses the alcohol soaked towel to her skin. _That_ gets a reaction.

Rae hisses, snapping her head towards Louis and reflexively grabs his wrist. Her eyes lock with his and Louis' heart flutters with a surge of hope. Because her eyes suddenly look so much clearer than when he first arrived here. It feels like she's finally seeing him, truly, clearly seeing him. It's like the external pain brings her out of that weird, concerning stage of grief. The moment passes and Rae finally speaks.

"That really hurts!" She scolds accusingly. Her eyebrows drop in a perpetual frown. "What the hell is that?"

"Antiseptic." Louis deadpans, eyes dropping and continues to dab along the open cut. A wave of relief washes through Louis. She sounds a little like herself as well, despite the lingering traces of sadness in her voice.

"Well it stings."

"Maybe if you didn't feel the need to rip up your skin until it's a bloody mess, we wouldn't have this problem." He snaps.

He doesn't mean to be snippy, and he understands why she subconsciously does it, but it's still so frustrating to see. Louis feels her grip tighten around his wrist, stopping his caretaking for the moment. When he meets her eyes again, he isn't expecting the self-loathing he sees there.

"I can't help it sometimes." Rae mumbles sheepishly. "I don't even realize I do it half the time."

Louis sighs wistfully. "And when you do realize it?"

Rae isn't stupid. He knows she knows what he's really asking. Why does she feel the need to harm her own skin? Her fingers slack a little around his wrist, just enough to allow Louis to continue. He doesn't, not yet. He watches her nervously chew her lip before answering.

"I thought," Rae begins quietly, "that maybe this would be it. I would be able to finally cry about something. That when Ronan di- when...in my arms and..."

Louis can literally feel her chest tighten and spasms beneath his hand. So he uses his free hand to tenderly stroke his fingers along her jaw. Rae shivers involuntarily, relaxing into his touch. She inhales deeply, chest rising and falling under his hand, and continues.

"I didn't though. Nothing came out. Nothing felt right. There was just nothing. I can barely remember driving home, or leaving the hospital. I just felt so empty. I feel empty. It's so strange to feel so hollow and I know I should be feeling something! It isn't right, Louis. My mother has been crying her eyes out for days. She's devastated and I can't shed a fucking tear." Rae pinches the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. Her eyes squeeze shut for a moment.

"Louis." Her voice is soft, sounds heavy with confession. "Half the reason I do it is to feel it. Just to...feel the pain. To fucking _feel_ something because I'm sick and tired of being so...so-"

"Strong?" Louis finishes for her. He knew it. He fucking knew it was more than just to stop the simple spasms.

"What?" Rae frowns, baffled. "Have you seen me lately?"

Louis puts the small towel down to take hold of both her hands in his. "I always see you." He tells her sincerely. "You may think, and yeah, you may look like you're falling apart, but the second you have to take care of your mum, it's like a switch. You just turn on this focus mode you have for her, that her needs are all that matter. You do it for her, you did it with Ronan. For everyone on that seventh floor. For all those kids, for the lads. For me. You do all of this for everyone but yourself."

Louis pauses, considering his next words while simultaneously trying to ignore how blue her intense gaze is. He looks down at their hands, fingers tangled together. When he meets her eyes again, he smiles, just the faint pull of his lips.

"You've done it before. You don't let anyone see your weakness because you think you have no one to be your stronghold. Your rock. Your anchor." Louis squeezes her hands on the last word. Rae's breath hitches. "It's okay to fall apart, Rae. Please, please do that, actually. This...shell of yours scares me, quite honestly."

Rae's eyes drop down to her chest, a gesture Louis immediately comprehends.

"Exactly. Purposely causing yourself pain isn't going to do anything good for your health, and make me pull my hair out in worry. I worry about you. I was so worried about you that I demanded to come back two days early. I care about you. I love you." Louis' heart is racing, and judging by the faint pulse of her wrist, hers is too. His gaze hasn't faltered, holding Rae's so intently, so intense, he feels the air change around them. Rae's lips are slightly parted, shaky breaths going in and out.

"I am right here for you, Raelyn." He whispers, "I have been. I will always be here for you. You're safe to fall if you feel like you can't be strong anymore. Always."

Louis must have been more serious, more sincere than he was letting on, because Rae's intense expression changes. Her eyes soften, eyebrows losing their tense frown. Slowly, she pulls her right hand out of his grip, bringing her hand up to his cheekbone. He has the slightest feel of déjà vu, before Rae's fingertips are grazing softly against his skin, feels how damp it is.

"Louis," She says his name so softly, so tender. "Why are you crying?"

Louis tries to blink away his silent tears. "Because you can't. Because I love you, and because I love Ronan."

Rae's eyes are shinning with all kinds of emotion. Then suddenly she's leaning forward, lips softly pressing just under his eye, kissing away his tears. The sensation makes Louis' heart skip a beat and his stomach twist into knots. Then she presses her free hand against her exposed, marred skin and Louis is quick to catch her wrist. He tisks with his tongue, moves her hands together until she takes the hint and entwines her own fingers with each other.

Louis gets back to work, tells Rae not to move while he finishes cleaning the cuts. She inhales sharply once or twice when the antiseptic makes contact, but otherwise she sits still. Louis begins to hum softly, knowing the sounds will aid in relaxing her a little more. He can feel Rae's eyes on him, but he keeps dabbing at her chest until the bleeding stops. He places the flannel in a small plastic bag he found under the sink, blood stained in various places, before he moves on to the ointment. After he squeezes some on a cotton ball, he gingerly rubs the cream over each exposed scratch. The humming soon turns into words, slipping past his lips as he works on Rae's chest. A soft, slow, lowly sung song he knows he shouldn't even be singing, and starts the second verse of it.

_You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain,_  
And I can see your head is held in shame  
But I just wanna see you smile again  
See you smile again

_Don't burn out_  
Even if you scream and shout  
It'll come back to you  
And I'll be here for you

_I will carry you over fire and water for your love,_  
And I will hold you closer,  
Hope your heart is strong enough  
When the night is coming down on you, we will find a way through the dark

_I wish that I could take you to the start, I'd never let you fall and break your heart..._

Louis can't help himself. He looks up from his task, holding Rae's gaze and sings the next lines to her.

_And if you wanna cry or fall apart  
I'll be there to hold you_

He drops his eyes back down to her chest, hears her breath hitch. He continues onto the chorus, skipping over some parts, and begins to unfold one of the gauze pads so it's a long rectangle.

"What is that?" Rae suddenly asks, voice breaking through his singing.

"New song." Louis replies, carefully holding the gauze up to the biggest cut. He frowns, because it doesn't cover up the cut straight, so he angles it until it does.

"I've heard it before." Rae tells him. She removes one hand, coming up to her chest. Louis is a second away from slapping her hand away, but sees she's only helping by holding the gauze in place.

Louis tries hiding his smile by rubbing his lips together. "Sang it to you over the phone not too long ago."

As he works, he can see Rae trying to remember that phone call. It was the only song that kept popping into his head the whole time she was having a panic attack. Granted, it was the last song they recorded on the album and it's been stuck in his head for a while.

"When you almost stole the jet?"

"Could've too. Apparently it's frown upon when you don't have a piloting license."

There's a strange, sharp sound that escapes into the room. A mix between a snort and a half syllable laugh. Louis looks up stunned. Rae has her other hand covering her mouth, eyes wide and stunned just as Louis feels.

"Was that...did you just laugh?" Louis questions, all the air knocked out of his lungs.

If possible, Rae's eyes widen more, and Louis compares them to saucers. He now understands that expression. Slowly, Rae nods. Louis' heart soars for a moment, before he abandons the plasters and gauze in his hands. Louis pulls Rae's hand away from her mouth, at the same time he uses his other hand to pull her down by the back of her neck, his lips quickly connecting to hers.

It's been two fucking weeks without the feel of her lips against his, and Louis is buzzing. Feels like the first time he kissed her; heart rabbiting and stomach fluttering with warmth. His fingers slipping through her dark hair, and slowly, ever so gently, releases her hand to cup her jaw in his palm. He feels her fingertips rest on his cheekbone, while she places her other hand right over his heart.

Louis has missed this. He has missed _her_ and since she's been checked out lately, this kiss is incredible to him. Hopes that this really is the end of that haunting shell of hers. Reluctantly, Louis pulls back, watching as Rae's eyelashes flutter, her eyes slightly gazed over.

"Alright?" Louis can't help but chuckle, brushing the hair that's fallen over her shoulder back.

The smile that spreads across her lips is real and full and Louis can see teeth. This is defiantly a victory to count, however small it may be. Rae huffs something that sounds like a laugh, pressing her forehead to his own.

"Yeah. Yeah, good."

They stay like that for several moments, Louis pecking her lips twice more before separating. He finishes patching up her chest, making sure the gauze and plasters aren't irritating the reddened skin around it.

"Have I ever truly thanked you for everything?" Rae asks, while Louis gathers the used products.

"There's no need to, love." He says, smiling brightly at her.

Rae grabs his face between her hands, and leans down to press a soft kiss to his lips. It's every thank you she's ever wanted to say to him, and to Louis, it's more than enough.

****************************


	52. The Spark That Ignites the Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as before.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)

After Rae's all cleaned and patched up, the supplies put away, Louis takes her hand in his then leads her downstairs. Almost immediately when reaching the floor, a pair of black gloves are shoved in Rae's face. Louis's about to scowl Zayn for nearly punching Rae in the nose, but the look on his face is serious. Zayn may come off as quiet, some times indifferent to certain situations, but Louis knows him well enough that the tightness around his caramel coated eyes means Rae's assault on her own skin haunts him. She takes them without a word, but offers a sheepish smile. Then Harry steps up with nail clippers in his hand, and Louis thinks if it weren't for his charming smile and dimples Rae would be giving him much more than an petulant pout. When there's a knock the door, Rae sarcastically cheers, allows Harry to clip the last nail then hurries to answer the door. It doesn't stop from there.

All day it seemed like the door was knocked on, or the bell rang every hour or so, and three times only fifteen minutes apart. It got to the point where Niall had to take a hammer out of Rae's hand so she wouldn't bash in the doorbell. She may or maybe not be a little unstable, her mood swinging from depressingly empty almost, to snippy and angry. At first, Raelyn was the one to answer the consistent beckoning, trying to greet her family members without much emotion on her face. She allows herself to be pulled in for sympathy hugs, and kisses and takes whatever food dish they have to offer before leading them into the kitchen. Louis keeps a careful eye on her every chance he can. He watches as her fingers twitch for her chest, sees the way she mentally grounds herself, calms herself, and if it starts to get too much for her in front of her family, Louis steps in.

He'll introduce himself, calling over whichever boy is nearest to do the same. It gives Rae the time to collect herself, or step out of the room to breathe properly. Only once did she have another attack, and that was in reaction to her grandparents showing up; her mother's parents. When Rae opened the door to reveal the two people she hasn't seen for years, she launches herself into her grandmother's arms. It's as close to being herself as Louis thinks he'll get. It goes downhill, however, when MaryAnn walked into the kitchen, spots her parents and just breaks down all over again.

" _Oh daddy_." MaryAnn had sobbed, practically falling into his arms. Her mother had join the small hug as well.

Rae had been a witness to this along with Louis and Liam. She watched her mum collapse in her grandpa's arms, watched as her grandma hurried over to hug her daughter. Watched as her grandfather, who seems like the strong, sturdy type of man, shed tear after tear down his face. Rae nearly dropped the casserole dish, almost slipping from her slack fingers, before Liam reacted quickly and took the dish from her hands. Slowly, Rae joined her family, ducking under her grandfather's arm, and snuggled between him and his wife. Liam nudged Louis's around, jerked his head towards the backyard and followed his lead.

They were silent sitting outside, patiently waiting to go back in once the heartbreaking reunion was over. It didn't taken very long before there was a frantic tapping on the glass behind them. Both boys turned around in time to see Rae hunched over, using the counter as support, hand digging at her exposed skin, with her mother hovering next to her. Louis jumped up, barely allowing Rae's grandfather to slide open the door to get inside. 

MaryAnn had stepped back once Louis got to Rae, saying, "I can't calm her like you can."

Three hours had passed after that, with Rae's grandparents looking on in shocked concern and her mother motioning them out of the room. It didn't take long for Louis to calm her, doing his usual soothing methods, but it did leave new bloody marks below her collarbones; the gaze having fallen fall during the attack. He absolutely has no idea what to do for that anymore. The gloves only work sometimes, before Rips then off her own hands, claiming the leather too rough on her skin. But then she'll still managed to pierce her already raw and broken skin with her shortened fingernails; it's basically a lose, lose. Jumpers hardly help, she only has one turtle neck, and Zayn actually threatened to duct tape her hands together if she didn't stop. She stole his box of cigarettes in retaliation, and dumped them all down the toilet. 

It was the first time Louis, and the other three boys, have ever seen them be angry with each other. Zayn and Raelyn have had this unspoken bond ever since she caught him outside the hospice, like they just gained a type of understanding with each other. It's unnerving to see golden sparks and blue lightening colliding. Rae turns her back on Zayn, stomping out of the room, and leaves him to release a frustrated sigh, shoving his hands in his hair and pulling.

"She's going to need stitches if she keeps fucking doing that!" Zayn says exasperated.

"She doesn't mean too." Harry defends quietly,

Louis seconds that. "She can't help it, Z."

Niall is nervously biting his nails, looking between the three of them. Liam's not saying anything, but keeps his eyes fixed where Rae disappeared to.

"Come off it, Louis." Zayn sneers. "You know she does it half the time to feel something. She confessed to that!" He takes a deep breath to calm himself. "You know half the reason she does it is so she feels something other than the real pain in her chest. Scratching at her skin like that is a form of self harm, Louis. I know you know that."

It's a thought that's always been in the back of Louis' mind, and he drops his head because Zayn is terrifyingly on point. Him bringing up the previous night however, when Louis told them what Rae said to him in private was a slap of reality. Both Harry and Zayn are right. Recently though, it seems like it's more so to feel something other than empty, in Rae's own words. He feels sick.

"Look." Zayn continues, more composed now, worry written all over his face and tone. "I'm just saying, she's going to give herself an infection if she keeps at it. I'm just...concerned is all. You're not the only one who cares about her, you know." He doesn't say it in spite, but as a reminder.

It makes Louis pick his head up, his eyes catching the two small indents on his inner forearm, nestled between the spaces of his tattoos. Marks left over in the shape of her nails. "I know." He sighs in defeat. "You're right. I just don't know how-" Suddenly, Louis is interrupted by Rae rushing back into the room, straight towards Zayn. 

"I'm so sorry," She tells him vehemently, taking both of his hands in hers. "That was really stupid and immature of me to do. I was just angry and I don't really have a reason to be and I know-"

"Rae." Zayn tries, his lips tugging up at the corners.

She continues as if she doesn't hear him. "-You're just looking out for me and that's all you've all been doing and I'm a right tosser for doing something like that. I shouldn't have dumped them in the toilet-"

"Raelyn-"

"That's rather disgusting and I'd fish them out for you if I didn't already flush them, even though it'd still be disgusting-"

"Oh my god-" Zayns chuckles.

"So I'll just buy you a new pack right now, if that's alright and I really, really hope you'll-"

The only reason her words stop is due to Zayn's hand over her mouth. Louis is in near shock at this point, this being the most Rae has said ever since the got here. She looks so guilty now, like a puppy who used their owners shoe as a chew toy and came back to apologise for it. Mood swings. Now if one of those mood swings can actually keep her laughing for more than ten seconds, he'd be grateful.

"It's alright, Raelyn, I swear." Zayn tells her, dropping his hand from her mouth. "I shouldn't have threatened you with use of heavy duty tape. I've got more in the car. So it's good, yeah? We're good?"

Nodding, Rae bites her lip, then slumps into his arms. Zayn stumbles a little at the unsuspecting weight. "I'm just so tired."

Zayn throws a helpless look over his shoulder, and Louis takes that as his cue to help him basically drag her over to the couch.

***

That was how all six of them had ended up either on the sofa or settled on the floor by it. The knocking at the door has finally stopped, finished with MaryAnn's cousin, who just happened to be Vinny's mother. She stuck around as long as she could, offering to drive the grandparents back to their hotel. It was the only time Rae got up, greeting her with a long over due hug. Her name's Carol and she drove all the way from Leeds to be there for Rae's mum, knowing exactly what it's like to lose a child.

Louis' been watching Rae drift in and out of sleep for the past hour with her head nestled on his lap. Snuggled between him and Niall with her feet tucked under Niall's thigh. Once and while, she'll be startled back into full consciousnesses, most likely from the beginning of her haunting nightmares. Louis holds tight to her hands, fingers laced so she doesn't attack her chest; which is now covered with an ace bandage, all thanks to Liam. When she's not trying to maul her skin, or complaining how the bandage itches, Louis plays with her hair knowing it helps soothes and relaxes her.

They've got The Breakfast Club playing softly on the TV, some snacks and tea laid out on the table for anyone to eat. No one really does though, plus there's enough real food in the house, along with the many variations of baked goods from when Rae had her baking streak. A soft sigh pulls Louis' eyes from the movie down to his lap, watching as Rae's eyelashes flutter against her cheekbones. He leans down as far as he can, the bending of his back straining his muscles a bit, and places a tender kiss on her temple.

It causes Rae to turn her head and look up at him as he straightens back up. The air from his lungs snags in his throat when they make eye contact. She's so beautifully broken, it tugs painfully at his heart. The colour of her eyes are still the same stormy blue when she first opened the door to them. Filled with heartbreak, unbelievable despair, and loss, but the speck of gold is still there, a bright jewel beneath the water. It contrasts against the dark circles under her eyes, a constant reminder of the lack of sleep she's been having lately. Her skin is still pale, but not as much as before, and her pink of her lips standout against her skin, a lot smoother now that she's drinking liquids other than alcohol.

She blinks sleepily up at him, a private smile barely gracing her mouth and brings the hand still locked around hers to her lips. She kisses each of his fingertips, and Louis knows without a doubt it's in appreciation. They haven't had too much time to themselves, but he knows this small show of affection is expressing her gratitude. He can't stop the warm buzzing in his stomach that's rising to his chest and it makes him want to say those words again. He thinks she really needs to hear them, so he can't really stop himself when they sit on the tip of his tongue. He brushes his fingers through her hair again, leans down again, his nose brushing along hers, so that his lips are hovering over their intertwining fingers.

"I love you." He whispers against her fingertips.

Rae inhales slowly, blinking up at him when he pulls back a little to relieve the stress on his back. Louis hopes it's alright to say again, searching her eyes for any signs of discomfort. She reacts far simpler than the first time. She actually smiles, still not enough to show teeth, but enough to be defined as one. 

Then she closes her eyes, presses her lips firmly against his fingers once more and says, "I know." 

It's soft, and sweet, and makes Louis' heart beat erratically with a sense of hope. He pulls their hands away from her mouth, and leans down again to press his lips softly against hers. He feels her response with the slightest pressure, keeping his lips to her until someone clears their throat. That's when Louis promptly forgot they are still in a room with other people, and Judd Nelson is running through the school halls banging on lockers and singing at the top of his voice.

Louis pecks one more kiss to Rae's lips before he straightens up completely. She blinks up at him once more time, then turns her head again to watch the film. He tries to ignore it for as long as he can, thinks that maybe Rae falls asleep before he finally turns his head to where Niall is staring at him with wide eyes. Louis forgot he is sitting right next to them, and simultaneously forgets that he hadn't told any of the boys that he dropped the 'L' bomb right before they left for France. There's rapid knocking at the door that causes Rae to groan in exhausted annoyance, though she remains still. 

Louis ignores it as well because Niall is suddenly mouthing to him; _You told her?_

Louis nods slowly, shrugging. "I meant to tell you." He barely whispers. He sees MaryAnn come out of her room to answer the door.

"Did she...?" Niall trails off, eyes flicking towards the door briefly. Louis shakes his head no.

There's a series of sounds that comes from the front of the house; the door opening, a shocked gasp, then a huff of air, followed by a greeting. The voice isn't MaryAnn's, but that of the guest, whose voice is deep and a little rough around the edges. It's this greeting, this voice, that causes a reaction from the sleepy girl on Louis' lap. 

Rae sits up so fast, she nearly knocks her head into Louis' chin and accidentally kicks her heel into the pressure point of Niall's thigh. Louis is abruptly alert, due to Rae's hand digging bruises into his knee and popping the knuckles of his hand she's holding in hers. Her whole body is tense and rigged, and there's a muscle twitching with how tight she's clenching her jaw. When Rae slowly turns her head towards the door, Louis catches the raging fire in her eyes, so, so thankful this heated look is not directed at him.

"Raelyn?" Harry questions cautiously from the floor, alerted from her movements.

Apparently Louis and Niall aren't the only ones to notice her behavior. Rae's up and off the couch in a flash, stepping over Harry's legs to make her way towards the door. Her hands that were just on Louis are now clenched in tight fists, skin pulled tight over tendons. Louis twists to get a better look at the man still standing in the foyer. He has never seen this person before, but as the man smiles tentatively, two dimples dent in his cheeks and Louis is struck with a sickening realization.

"What the fuck are you doing here!?" Rae hisses through clenched teeth.

The man takes a step forward, and MaryAnn counters with taking one back, as if she's stopping him from getting about further into her house. Any closer to her fuming daughter.

"Can't a father come mourn his son?"

***


	53. It'll Leave a Nasty Scar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooo, Rae is angry!

Raelyn is livid. 

The second she heard that voice, _his_ voice, her heart stopped for a moment, her blood began to boil. She hardly recalls standing, getting up so fast she was sure she pulled a muscle in her back. But how could he be here? Why was he here? Who told him and why the fuck is he standing there looking at her like the past three years haven't happened? Those brown eyes staring at her. The last time she saw them they were filled with disgust, thought she was just a naive little girl who needed to grow up and quit crying. _Like a child_. Like the child whose life was just taken from them. Like the child he absolutely refused to believe had cancer. Like the child that he fucking left behind for her mother to care for by herself. Like the child Rae was forced to no longer be. He wanted an adult; he fucking got one. 

Red is all Rae can see right now, clouding her vision and zoning in on nothing but her father. She can hear her blood rushing in her ears, like the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. She can feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins making her whole body hot with fire. Burning with rage, her knuckles popping with how hard she's squeezing her fist. She's never been this angry before. A nervous whisper breaks through the sound of her wrath in her ears and she abruptly remembers she's not alone. That people are currently witnessing her trying to mentally chuck daggers at her father's head. 

"Maybe we should just get some air." Are the hushed words. 

Rae can't even place who's voice it is, and barely registers the boys, quickly but quietly, exit the room. However, Louis is rooted to the spot in her peripheral. She doesn't know if she appreciates that or not. Rae tries to breathe, inhales sharply through her nose, attempting to calm her anger and get a few words out to Louis. Barely turning her face towards him, keeping her eyes on the man in front of her. 

Through gritted teeth she gets out, "Louis, please go upstairs." 

Louis blinks at her like she's crazy, and maybe she is. She doesn't even want to look at herself in a mirror right now. However, Louis has good enough grace to listen. Reluctantly, he stands up, shoots a concerning look at her before turning to head upstairs. As she listens to his foot steps, she starts second guessing if that was a good idea.

The man who is her father begins to speak, after watching Louis ascend the stairs. "Isn't he from-"

"Why the fuck are you here!?" Rae cuts him off, anger kicking up another notch. Maybe it was a good idea to send Louis away, because now that no one besides her mum is here to witness this, she's going full force. 

"I called him." MaryAnn states breathlessly, eyes wide.

Rae's eyes snap over to her mother, who looks pale and a little sick and Rae hates her mum's ex husband all over again. But what? "What?"

MaryAnn shakes her head. "I told him. However, that was not an invitation to come here, David."

That's better. "How do you even know where we live!?" Rae demands. "All this fucking time and now you show up."

"From that one letter you sent with the papers." David informs towards MaryAnn, taking another step in and finally closing the door behind him. 

Rae takes one back and makes eyes contact with her mum. "Make him leave." 

"I think that's a great idea." Her mother agrees. "You should go. Now."

"Why won't you let me stay?" David asks, and for a moment, a split moment, Rae sees hurt flash in his eyes. How ironic. 

"Are you fucking kidding me!?" Rae seethes, regaining her previous step. 

"You're not the only one to lose Ronan, Raelyn. I lost my son too."

That makes Rae laugh. The sound startles herself, wouldn't have realised it came from her if she didn't feel the vibrations in her throat. It seems to startle them both because the laugh coming from her mouth is dark, humorless, borderline manic. Rae cracks. Cracks for her brother, for her mum, for the hell he put them all through. Rae loves her mother, but right now hopes to God she will let Rae get this out. 

" _Your_ son? Yours? That's bloody fucking rich!" Rae chuckles once more, then stops. Because none of this is even remotely funny. She takes another step forward. 

"You left him! You refused to believe Ronan had cancer. You- you- fuck! How are you standing there right now thinking it's okay for you to come back? You haven't been a father to him for three years! You were too scared to believe it. Well guess what? So were we! The difference is you're a bloody, pathetic, coward who couldn't admit to the sickness he had. You left! You decided Ronan was below you, wasn't worth your time or money and you left us! You left Ronan, you left mum to do everything herself! You left her with no money, no support, no husband. How could you!? You left your wife! You fucking left me! You shoved divorce papers into my hands and left! You never came back. The cancer was still there and you never even looked back! So please, please tell me what makes you think it's perfectly alright for you to suddenly show up after years of nothing! You don't deserve to be here. Ronan does not deserve someone who claims to be his father when he never acted like one!"

Rae takes another step forward. "You walked out on your family when we needed you the most and you know what happened!? We were better off! Mum and I did everything you didn't, everything you were too afraid of. We took care of him. We loved him. We paid for everything out of pocket, worked our arses off for him because we love him!" 

She doesn't realise how close she is until her finger she didn't notice is jabbing her father in the chest. "We did everything for him without you. We didn't need you anymore just like you didn't want us. So don't you dare stand there like nothing has happened."

Rae's panting hard, feels hot all over and finally takes a big step backwards. David's eyes are wide with shock, as are her mothers when she glances over to her. Though underneath her surprise is pride. Then, then her father says the one thing that truly breaks Rae. 

"SunRae." He says. So soft, begging. Four years wrapped into one word.

Rae tenses up all over again. 

"Please don't hold that against me."

"Don't call me that!" Rae shouts, jabbing her finger in the air again. "Don't you dare call me that. Hold it against you!? You think you showing up now changes anything!? I can't fucking feel properly because of you! Ronan died in my arms, our arms! He died while I sang to him and I didn't shed a single tear because someone told me to grow up. And I did. Without any help from you. Ronan died in my arms _father_. Do not tell me not to hold anything against you."

"Raelyn," David tries again, hand slowly reaching out for her. MaryAnn moves between them with challenging eyes and he drops his hand. "Let me explain."

"Fuck off!" Rae spits, acid dripping from her words. "I never. Never want to see you again and I'm pretty sure mum agrees." 

Daivd attempts once more, remorse in his eyes. " _Mon petit Soleil_. Raelyn, please hear me out, Soleil?"

How _dare_ he call her that. How dare he use that phrase on her. White hot fury surges through her body and she really needs to leave the room before she throws the coffee table at him; or punches him in the face.

"Fuck. You." Rae says viciously. She spins on her heel, pausing for a moment when she sees Louis standing behind her at the base of the stares. It's only a moment when their eyes meet, Rae realising he probably heard everything, that she decides she doesn't give a flying fuck anymore and runs upstairs. 

***

 

Louis has had his share of awkward moments; living on a tour for days at a time tends to make those moments frequent. After the first two weeks of their first tour he quickly learned to get over those. Accidentally walking in on Lottie snogging her first ever boyfriend was quite awkward. Or rather, awkward for her, Louis was outraged. But this, right now, standing at the foot of the stairs after just watching Rae go off on her father has to be the worst one yet. 

He heard the angry yelling from her room and made the decision to go back downstairs. He knew this situation didn't involve him, but the utter fury and hurt in Rae's voice pulled him towards her. He heard most of what she was shouting at her father, spitting everything he had left her with back in his face. Louis had never seen such fire in those blue eyes before, not even when that pap wormed his way into the hospice. Rae's expression was livid, her cheeks were flushed, eyes blazing, hands flying along with her words. She had jabbed her index finger into her father's chest, spat her last words, then abruptly turned to leave. 

When she had finally spotted him, her expressions soften for a split second. She blinked, then pushed pass Louis to run upstairs, slamming her door a few moments later. Now, Louis is standing there, legs apparently not listening to his brain to _move_. He doesn't know what to do with his hands and Rae's father has been staring at him since she left. Eyes a little tight around the edge, but full of something Louis can't put his finger on. Quite frankly, he doesn't want too. He isn't too keen on father's just taking off and leaving behind a family.

Louis decides this moment has gone on for long enough, and is finally about to go after Rae when MaryAnn shifts. Louis forgot she was there for a moment, looking for all the world proud of her daughter. David notices her as well, because he suddenly turns to her and opens his mouth.

"Think you could have taught her a little better than that?" He deadpans. It's not a vicious question. In fact, his tone hints a little at a joke, but it strikes Louis something fierce.

MaryAnn raises an eyebrow, and for someone who just lost her son and had been crying ever since then, she looks fiercely protective. "Well David, she is her mother's daughter. She knows bullshit when she sees it."

Louis fucking beams at the smug look on MaryAnn's face. David suddenly looks defeated, shoulders slumping like he knows he deserves it. Louis knows he does. There's a sudden thud followed immediately by what sounds like glass shattering from upstairs. Louis whips around and takes the steps two at a time, not leaving any parting words. He nearly trips when he reaches the landing, but recovers enough to make it to Rae's room. He slams his palm on the door handle, bruising it in the process when it don't budge. It's locked.

"Raelyn?" Louis frantically knocks on the door, trying to keep his panic down. "Rae what happened? Please let me in."

Thankfully he doesn't have to wait long. Rae unlocks and opens the door, tentatively stepping back to allow Louis to enter. He does a quick once over of her, making sure she isn't hurt; physically. She doesn't look it, he can still see the ace bandage peeking out from the collar of her shirt. Louis sighs in relief. 

"Love, what happened? I heard a crash." He says, gently placing his hand on Rae's cheek. Her eyes flutter close, and for a moment she presses into his touch. Revels in his comforting touch. Then abruptly she pulls away and sweeps her hand towards the far wall. It's a mess. 

There's shattered pieces of glass scattered along the floor, glittering in the setting sun's light streaming through the window. There's an apple sized dent on the wall, surrounded by some type of liquid that's dripping down towards the floor. There's a puddle of the same liquid the glass is soaking in, and when Louis cautiously steps forwards, he sees little white specks everywhere. He finally spots what Rae had clearly thrown, bending down to pick it up. A snow globe. Or, what's left of it. 

The bottom of the broken globe is made of pretty mahogany wood, painted with a glossy finish. The word _PARIS_ is carved into it, painted in gold. The only thing left of the top now is the sharp ridges of where the glass shattered, still wet from the water it previously held. Frowning, Louis looks for the other parts, and spots it when Rae holds out her hand. A small metal figurine of the Eiffel Tower lays in her palm. 

"He gave it to me when I was fifteen." Rae tells him quietly, eyes locked on her hand. "Said he'd take me to France for my eighteenth birthday." She lets out a small scoff.

"Rae." Louis says, voice soft and sad because he doesn't really know what to say to that. Abruptly, Rae throws the miniature Eiffel against the wall. Louis jumps slightly, not expecting the sudden movement. 

"What bullshit!" Rae sneers. She turns to grab something from her bed.

Louis recognizes it as the unmarked black box he discovered months ago. It's been unlock, the top hanging from its hinge loosely like it was yanked opened. It's filled with all sorts of things; cards, tickets, jewelry, pictures. All memories of her father she locked away for years. Rae shoves the box in Louis' hand, not caring for the bottom half of the snow globe falling to the floor.

"What are you- Jesus, Rae!" Louis' caught off guard when Rae snatches another item from the box, an expensive looking watch, and chucks it against the wall.

He watches Rae with wide eyes as she begins tearing up old concert and football tickets. Rips up old fading pictures, the remains fluttering to the floor to join the others. She rips up all the paper memories, and Louis just lets her. He knows in the back of his mind she might regret it some day, but he also knows she needs this now.

"He promised so much shit!" Rae seethes, now pulling on a pretty pink necklace until it snaps in half, losing a few rhinestones in the process. She tosses it aside without another glance. "I fucking hate pink and he promised us things and he just ran. He up and left because he couldn't deal with Ronan's sickness. He fucking left his son!" 

She grabs a small book, a children's story Louis recognises, used to read to his sisters. She opens the book and Louis sees a note written on the inside of cover. _Mon petit Soleil._ is all he can make out.

"Left his daughter!" Rae rips the cover off, "left his wife!" She rips the first page. "He abandoned his family, and now? Now!? He wants to waltz back in like nothing happened? Fuck that!" Rae flings the torn book over her shoulder. "Mon petit Soleil!? Fuck him!"

In her fury, Louis hadn't paid too much attention to the items in the box when she started throwing things, and the sudden French she just spoke has intrigued interest sparking in his pit of his stomach. He's brought back into the moment when Rae shoves her hand into the box for one last item, and he finally sees it. 

Time seems to slow down for a moment; a small china tea up laid buried beneath everything. The color now a faded powder blue, with intricate gold details swirling around the rim of the cup, with what looks like hand painted detailed blue roses on the inside. It's an elegant, beautiful piece of china. There's a chip on the rim, Louis notices, and time speeds back up when he sees Rae's finger snag on the sharp edge, immediately drawing blood down her middle finger. She clearly doesn't notice, obviously doesn't feel it because she's raising her arm once more and Louis knows she's about to throw it as hard as she can. For a nanosecond, he sees a small signature on the bottom in black ink.

"Rae, stop!" 

Abruptly, Louis drops the now empty box and quickly grabs hold of Rae's wrist with his right hand, just as she makes the forward motion, and tugs the delicate tea cup out of her grip with his left. Rae looks bewildered and furious, blue eyes engulfed in flames that lick around her pupils. She opens her mouth to protest, probably shout colorful profanities at him, but stops short when Louis all but shoves her bleeding finger in front of her face.

Rae blinks several times, and it would be quite comical given any other situation. Louis can see the fight drain out of her, sees her shoulders slump and her wrist goes limp in his hand. She suddenly sits on her bed, plopping down hard enough to tug Louis forward a little. Deeming the tea cup now safe from harm, Louis releases her wrist and places the cup on the dresser.

"Stay." He orders her softly. "Hold your hand up a bit and don't move. I'll be right back."

Rae doesn't say anything, but holds her hand up, and that's good enough for him. Louis quickly goes to the bathroom across the hall. He finds the bottle of antiseptic liquid he used from earlier. Anti-bacterial ointment (who knows how much dust and dirt was collected on that cup) cotton balls, plasters and a small hand towel that he dampens with warm water; a wave of d'j'vu washes over him. When he returns, Rae is staring unblinking at the mess she created. Louis carefully places everything but the small flannel on the floor. 

"Here love, hold this tight." He instructs Rae, wrapping the flannel around her freely bleeding finger. 

Once she's holding it in place, he drags over her desk chair, mindful of the massive mess and gets to work on her finger. It's silent the whole time Louis cleans the cut. Rae only flinches out a hiss the moment the antiseptic soaked cotton ball touches the cut, but other than that she's quiet. Louis can feel her eyes on him the whole time, and he focuses on the task at, literal, hand. Only after he carefully wraps two plasters around her finger, does she finally say something.

"The teacup was my grandmother's." Rae begins softly. Louis just holds her injured hand in his and listens. "It was always on display at her house. Sat in her glass cupboard with others. She once told me she collected them from traveling around the world. That one was the smallest of them all, hand painted by this widowed woman in France. Said the only thing that kept her going was painting. She and my grandmother became friends and she gave her the teacup as a parting gift. It's always been my favorite cup, my favorite story, because my grandmother spent her whole summer there, met my grandfather who was studying abroad. It was the most valuable thing to her. When she died, she left them to my parents. My father gave me this one because he knew it's my favorite."

Louis' been rubbing soothing circles with his thumb on the back of her hand. His thumb dipping up and down over each bump of her knuckles. He asks, "How did it chip?"

"Gave it back to my father to clean it. He dropped it, it hit the coffee table but he caught it before it hit the floor. It made us laugh at the time, and I decided to put it away for safe keeping. I guess I forgot it's been in the box the whole time."

Nodding, Louis suddenly remembers the French phrase that rolled smoothly off Rae's tongue, and made her incredibly angry at her father. Carefully he asks, "What's uh..Mon petit-?"

"Soleil." Rae finishes bitterly for him. The word sounds sour in her mouth.

"Right. Is that...I'm a little rusty on me French."

There's a muscle jumping by Rae's jaw from how tightly she's clenching her teeth. Louis' about to back track, once he sees the coldness from earlier return to her eyes, darkening the blue irises to the colour of the ocean after a storm. He should really avoid subjects that will set her rage off again. There's enough mess in her room right now; doesn't need anything more to add to it, say like a shattered mirror.

"My little sun." She whispers, the bitterness still going strong. "The nickname he gave me merges the sun and my name together. Since I've always wanted to go to France, he picked up on the phrase _Mon petit Soleil_." Rae rolls her eyes, scoffing lightly.

Silence falls between them after that. Louis kisses the back of her hand, keeps his lips lingering there until Rae wants to speak again. He knows she needs this; to just talk to someone, and he is always willing to listen. She could read the oxford dictionary to him and he'd still listen. Hell, she could read it in French with how pretty the language sounds coming off her tongue; but that's neither here or there. Rae gently pulls her now bandaged hand out of his grip, only to bury her face in both of hers.

Louis cautiously moves from the chair in favor of sitting next to her on the bed. He rubs comforting circles between her shoulder blades, and down her spine. He can feel how she's trying to calm herself, possibly trying to avoid removing the ace bandage and slashing up her chest again. 

"I hate that he's here." Rae mutters into her palms. She then sighs, drops her hands and sags into Louis's sigh. "He makes me so angry. I want him to leave. Make him leave."

Suddenly it's like Louis is thrown back several years in time, back to that first year of One Direction, when his mum and stepdad got divorced. All he remembers is finally being able to visit his mother, and having his dad show up. She pleaded brokenly to Louis; _"Make him leave, please Louis"._ He had never felt so helpless before that moment, watching tears of heartbreak fall from the strongest woman he knew eyes. Asked his stepfather to leave while his four sisters sat at the top of the stairs listening.

He will never understand how anyone can willingly break someone they loved so much like that. It's a memory that will forever haunt him, even though him and his stepdad- the only father figure Louis has ever really known- are now on good terms. Thankfully it wasn't a messy divorce but enough for it to be painful, as divorces always are. Now, as he snaps out of his non-pleasant reverie, it's almost the same thing. A father breaking the heart of his family he's suppose to love and support and instead chose to walk out on his family.

Rae has been so unbelievably strong since Louis' met her. How can he suddenly become her hero that fights off the bad guy when he doesn't even know how to do it. He will do anything and everything he can for her, he loves her. He loves her. He wont walk out on her when she needs him the most, even if she doesn't admit it. He would willingly step on thousands of sea urchins, then into a pool of antiseptic before he ever hurts her the way her father has. He wont leave her, unless she forcefully pushes him out the door and asks him too. Just like she's asking him to do that to her father downstairs. 

There's a pair of soft lips pressing on the corner of his mouth, pulling his attention back to current times. Louis blinks once, turning his head to meets Rae's curious gaze. The skin between her eyebrows is slightly wrinkled in a frown, possibly wondering where his mind went just now.

"Louis?" She questions softly, concerned, bringing her hand up to his jaw. Her fingers trace the stubble that has begun to grow back. 

Louis trails the hand on her back up her neck until his fingers are tangled in her hair. The braid Harry put it in early is now falling out, stray strands laying unfastened around her face. He smiles tenderly at her, before leaning in to press his lips on hers. He hears, or rather, feels Rae sigh into the kiss, shoulders slumping and melting into his touch like it was the only thing that will relax her. It's a short, but sweet kiss, and when he pulls back Rae's eyelashes flutter against her cheekbone before she reopens her eyes.

Leaning in again, just to graze his lips against hers, he says, "Okay. I'll make him leave. Anything for you, pretty."

Rae's breath hitches and when Louis makes to pull away again to do what he just promised her, Rae stops him. "Actually," She begins sheepishly. "I'd rather you just stay. With me. Please?"

Louis answers her with another kiss.

****


	54. Give Me Love, I'll Give It Back to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *panic attack warning* also, mood swings.

Louis is pacing back and forth across the floor in Rae's room, anxiously biting at his fingernails. It's not that he's worried, Rae's a big girl, she's shown she can handle herself more than once. However, when Niall came knocking on her door, interrupting the little kisses Louis was placing all along her face just to make her giggle, and informed Rae that she was needed downstairs, the look on her face made Louis' stomach flip. There's no doubt she's in the kitchen right now, probably forced to have a civil conservation with her father, possibly digging her fingers into the table so she doesn't maul at her raw chest. Or maybe she's gritting her teeth so hard her jaw begins to ache. Maybe she is trying not to throw the fruit bowl at her father's head. Maybe she's having a panic attack right now and Louis isn't down there to help and- alright, he is completely worried.

"You're going to ware a hole through the floor, ya know." Niall states from the circle chair he's nestled himself into after Rae had left. 

In exchange for her, the other lads were sent up as well. Zayn informing Louis it was Rae who told them to wait in her room. Louis' been ignoring them all for the past fifteen minutes. He doesn't mean too, he just can't stop wondering what's going on downstairs. It's been quite, no shouting or sounds of anything breaking; that has to be a good sign, right?

"So you told her you love her, finally?" Niall continues, ignoring Louis ignoring them. That makes him halt his steps.

"What?" Harry asks shocked, head snapping up from one Rae's portfolios he was looking at. "When did this happen?"

Sighing, Louis runs his hand through his hair once, before dragging it down his face. "Right before France."

"Right before..." Liam starts, "But we hardly had time to- oh! _Oh_." Realization dawns on his face.

"Literally." Louis tells them. "Right before we left. It just happened, I blurted it out and then jetted off to France. It wasn't exactly the way I planned it."

"She hasn't said it back." Zayn states quietly.

"Spotted." Louis snaps. "Bloody observant, you."

His attitude doesn't even faze Zayn. He doesn't even move from his spot on the bed, laying on his back with his head hanging off the foot of the bed. He just blinks slowly, like this whole exchange is boring him to sleep, but Louis knows. He's been eerily silent this whole time; not shifting, hardly even breathing it looked like. Louis knows it's because he was attuning his ears for anything suspicious noise from downstairs.

"Give it time, Lou." He suggests. "You don't have to worry if she feels the same or not. I know she does."

"That's not what I'm worried about." Louis sighs once again, defeated and plopping down next to Liam. "You didn't see her earlier. How angry she was, how hurt she is. She won't ever admit it, but I see it."

"I think that says it all, really." Harry speaks softly, gesturing to the mess still on the floor. "Should I-?"

Louis cuts him off. "No. Trust me, she'd want to do it herself."

The only warning they get before the door opens is the last few stomping steps up the stairs, and Rae is suddenly there, hand gripping tightly to the handle. All five boys sit alert, breaths held anxiously until the fire in Rae's eyes softens a little. Louis can see her arms shaking, doesn't know if it's from anger or the aftereffects of an attack; he hopes it's the former. She blinks a few times, clearing the expression in her eyes, then smiles softly.

"You lads don't have to stay here, if you don't want." She says, a small tremble in her voice. "You've already done so much for me and mum."

"Rae, we don't mind." Harry insists genuinely. 

"I know, but you should go, get a good nights rest on actual beds."

Zayn is the first to move. "That sounds good actually, right boys? A proper bed to sleep on. I'm bloody exhausted."

It's a clear lie, given that he hasn't really done anything for him to be exhausted. Rae shoots him a grateful smile, hand dropping from the door handle. Everyone else follows Zayn's lead, standing up and giving Rae long goodbye hugs. Zayn lingers the longest, holding tight to Rae and whispering something in her ear. She nods, squeezes his shoulder blades as he kisses her forehead and releases him. Louis' about to do the same, when Rae cuts him off, turns her back toward him and closes the door behind Zayn.

Confused, he opens his mouth to say something, but Rae spins around and Louis is abruptly pushed onto his back on the bed. All he sees is a blur of blue eyes before his mouth is attacked by Rae's. Initially the action takes him by surprise, laying frozen for a few moments before registering the urgency of the kiss. Rae's lips are insistence against his own, pressing hard enough that it feels like his bottom lip will cut against his teeth. Through his foggy, shocked brain, all he can do at the moment is place his hands on her waist, holding her gently as her hands clutch his shirt. 

He loves her, he does, so very much, and he loves showing he does. He loves to hold her, kiss her; really loves to kiss her, but something doesn't seem right with this one. It's too desperate and Rae just came back from being forced into the kitchen with her mum and estranged father. Louis blinks his eyes open, finally connecting his thoughts together. He pushes Rae back, just enough so he can sit up, one hand still at her side. Rae tilts her head in confusion, eyes bright with all kinds of emotions. Her lips are shiny and red, just a tad swollen and Louis has to tear his eyes away for a moment.

"Raelyn." He begins, panting a little, heart racing.

Rae frowns, shakes her head and moves in. Louis allows her to kiss him again, more gentle this time, her lips moving on his. He counts in his head, and mentally slaps himself to get a grip. He cups her jaw in his hands, pushing her away once more. She's panting, trying to catch her breath that's ghosting over his own mouth. 

"Please." She whispers, eyes suddenly desperate. 

Louis sighs. Swiping his thumbs along her cheekbones. "Rae, what's wrong?"

Rae frowns once more, bringing a hand up to clutch around his wrist. "Nothing's wrong. Can't I just kiss you to kiss you?"

"Of course, love." Louis smiles sweetly. He leans in to place a tender kiss on the corner of her mouth, then says, "But something's bothering you."

She groans in frustration, pulling herself back far enough that Louis' hands fall from her face. She sits at the corner of her bed, her back to Louis. "You're too attentive for your own good."

"Just to you." Is his answer. "What happened?" Louis tries to reach out for her, fingers just grazing her neck before Rae shoots up from the bed. 

She starts pacing, arms crossed tightly over chest. Her eyes seem to have darken a little, brooding over the thoughts in her head. So, Louis just sits patiently until she's ready to talk. Twice Rae stops, turns to Louis, opens her mouth, but thinks better of it and continues her pacing. Louis begins counting the number of photos she has on the wall, gets to thirty-five before Rae finally speaks.

"I try not to be a bad person," She says, snapping Louis' attention back to her. "I do everything I can for other people, I try to be nice, try to be good."

"You are good, Raelyn. You're an incredible person." Louis tells her genuinely.

Rae smiles softly, and continues, the smile slipping from her face. "It's not bad that I don't want him here is it? Does it makes me a horrible person because I don't think he deserves to be here? He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near here! He doesn't deserve to be at the funeral, I don't want him there! I'm so fucking angry, Louis. He has no right to be in this house!"

Louis has to tread carefully. One wrong word and Rae could go off again, and granted, there isn't much in her room for her to just destroy without having a horrible break down afterwards. He can't think of anything else to say, and he knows the words on his tongue won't be welcomed with a cup of tea.

"Raelyn...he's still your-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Louis." Rae cuts him off, pointing a menacing finger at him. 

"Rae, try thinking of it from your mother's point of view maybe? I mean, she did call to tell him." Louis shrugs, but that seems to anger her more. Louis is shit at treading carefully.

"You know," Rae starts, her voice bordering on a dangerously saccharine tone. "Out of all people, I thought maybe you'd understand."

Automatically Louis' thoughts jump to just time spent with Raelyn. Having getting to know her as a person, as this incredibly, beautiful strong woman. He knows her inside and out by now, and the way she's looking at him knowingly, makes his brain make the connection. She's talking about his own biological father leaving when he was just a baby. About his step-dad, his sisters father, a father to him for many years, leaving. It hits a nerve buried inside him. His stomach churns lightly, but Rae isn't bringing it up to rub it in his face, no. She brought it up because she doesn't know how to feel about her own father. This is something they both have in common; deeply rooted and only resurfaced when forced, like right now.

Louis understands now. He reaches out for Rae's hand and he thinks it a small victory when she lets him. He pulls her on the bed next to him, tightening his hold around her fingers. "I'm sorry, you're right."

"No." Raelyn shakes her head frantically. "Don't let me say horrible things to you because I'm angry. It doesn't work like that. I'm sorry. You're just so easy for me to lash out on, and you just let me. Don't let me."

"It's because I love you. Because I know you need too, and if I'm the only one you're able to do it with, then that's okay. I honestly don't mind. I love you." He says it again, so she can believe it, so she can fully comprehend that Louis is willing to be her metaphorical punching bag if she needs him to.

"Yeah, you...yeah." A strange look comes over Rae's face. "I'm tired." She says suddenly, pushing at Louis' chest so he's laying down on his back again.

He watches as she shifts around, gets comfortable and ends with her head on his chest, snuggling up close to him. Louis pulls her as close as he can, until he can feel her breath on his collarbones, feel her heart beating against this ribs. He curls his arm around her shoulders, and watches as she traces his tattoos with her fingertips. Her touch leaves tiny goose pimples in their wake that make him shiver lightly. In return, he plays with her hair, scratching his blunt nails along her head.

"Why are you always so good to me?" Rae whispers, tangling her fingers with his own.

Louis kisses her temple, soft and tender, and whispers his answer in her ear. He knows she know by now, the answer to the question. What the answer will always be to that question.

*

They've been lying on her bed for a while, both relaxed, both tired, Rae fighting to keep her eyes open this whole time. The alluring sound of Louis' heartbeat has been lulling her into a state of calm, but now her mind has been wide awake with thoughts, whirling around like a tornado. Her heart has been racing frantically and her stomach is fluttering as if she was on a rollercoaster dropping again and again. Louis' words keep replaying in her mind, and she's slowly been working up the nerve to return those same words. There shouldn't be anything hard about it; she has no reason to be scared or nervous. Even though she had admitted her feelings to Ronan- a sharp stab of pain shoots briefly through her chest when she remembers that- it still took her while to actually admit it to herself. So, Rae focuses on Louis' slow breathing instead of her own. It's been silent for so long that when she finally decides to speak, she feels Louis startle. 

"I love you." Rae confesses quietly, as if speaking at normal volume would break the bubble they're in. Her heart is hammering against her chest.

Louis' fingers have been gently gliding up and down her arm, from her shoulder to her elbow. It's been a comforting rhythm for her. She doesn't pick her head up from Louis' chest when his fingers halt; doesn't move when she hears the soft hitch of his breath, or when his chest shudders with a shaky exhale. She feels him shift, like he's trying to get her to do the same, but she won't. She stays right where she's been for the past hour. Head on his chest, left ear directly over his heart; heard it pick up abruptly in pace when she said those words.

"Raelyn." Louis finally speaks; it sounds a little sad. She hears him sighs wistfully. "Rae...are you sure you mean..." Louis trails off with his carefully selective tone and words, and _that_ makes her move. She sits up, removing herself from his warmth and comfort and glares at him. 

"Of course I mean it." Rae defends vehemently, frowning down at Louis who seems frozen this time. "Why would I ever, ever say that if I didn't mean one ounce of it?"

Louis, seeming to fully comprehend what he really said, sits up as well. "Rae, that's not what- I just-" 

He huffs out a frustrated breath and Rae knows it sure as hell isn't directed at her. She watches as Louis shoves a hand in his hair, and waits for him to explain. She's trying to hold off on rubbing her healing chest; she didn't expect this to be his response. 

"I just meant-" Louis tries again, eyes looking a little defeated, "you just lost your brother, love. People some times say things from extreme grief."

"I know who I just lost, thank you very much!" Rae bites back harshly. Louis only blinks. "Do you've any idea who I wanted to turn to afterwards? Any idea at all how close I was to driving to your flat, only to remember you were in bloody France!? It was you I wanted to run to. You I wanted to be with because I have no idea how to even fucking handle any of this and I just needed you there and you weren't and I understand that- no!"

Rae yanks her hand away from Louis' grip, away from the bandages on her chest. Subconsciously, she guesses, she was trying to scratch at her skin again, and Louis reacted by attempting to pull it away. Instead, she shoves both hands under her thighs and continues. 

"It was you, and it's always been you, Louis. Always. I can't even remember how I dealt with anything before I met you. And it's taken a while, a really long time for me to realize I've fallen in love with you. Took me time to admit it to myself and here I am, telling you, after you told me before you left. You just let it slip out like it was that simple, like it was so easy for you. Now I'm telling you I love you and you say I don't mean it? Are you fucking mental?"

"Very much so." Louis says, nodding slowly with wide eyes. 

Rae closes her own eyes for a moment and sighs. When she reopens them, she tries to show, to convey as much sincerity as she can. For Louis to fully believe her. That's she's saying it, not because she's emotional and needy, but because she is truly, absolutely head over heels in love.

"I love you, Louis. I need you because I don't know what to do anymore. How do I...how do I handle my father being here? He wants to come to the funeral and I just can't. I don't want him to, and that makes me a horrible person, or maybe it doesn't, I don't know. But how do I handle that? My mum, how am I suppose to be strong enough for her? How am I suppose to just accept Ronan's gone? How..I miss him..I miss him so much."

The room suddenly feels so hot, like someone just cranked up the heat inside a sauna sitting in the middle of an active volcano. Rae can't breath properly, can't remember how. Her chest is spasing intensely, it has to be her worse one yet. It's so, so painful, and yet she can't seem to shove her hand through her chest to stop whatever has its vice grip on her. She can't hear anything but the rushing of blood in her ears, can't see her room or the blue of Louis' eyes anymore. All she knows is that she can no longer do this.

Blurry imagines dancing around in her vision, fading the corners into black, and all she hears are muffled noises coming from somewhere distant. She feels sick to her stomach, but she can't catch her breath to calm it, doesn't seem to find any air in the volcano. All she feels is heat and more heat and something tugging harshly at something she thinks is possibly connected to her body. 

Suddenly her blurry chaotic world is being tipped forward and down and it's like a gateway in her chest has opened up, and she can breathe a little easier. She tries focusing on the same thing that was pulling her before, can feel it on a different spot she thinks is her back. It's stroking up and down along her spine and right, she has a spine. She realises it's a hand touching her, so she focuses solely on that. Next she concentrates on the muffled noises, feels almost like she's under water, and tries to figure out what it's saying.

"Eight..nine...C'mon love."

It's a voice, right next to her ear, breaking through the murky water in her head.

"Just breathe."

Breaking through the dark clouds of smoke billowing from the volcano.

"Ten. Raelyn, focus on my voice."

Louis. It's Louis. She knows now. She'd know that voice anywhere. He sounds stressed, worried. He sounds _scared._ Rae finally realizes she's having a panic attack, a rather severe one at that going by the urgency in Louis' tone.

"You're alright, darling. I've got you." He's saying, still rubbing her back. "Just breath for me, Rae. Through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Breathe."

Rae tires, she does, inhaling short little breaths. She's beginning to come back to herself, understands what's going on and she automatically reaches out for something, for someone. For Louis. However, her hand is enclosed by another that feels much to calloused to be Louis'. He's still counting by her ear, so Rae squeezes the hand in hers, both of hers she notes in her foggy brain, since two are squeezing back. 

Rae matches her breaths with Louis' counts and finally, after a few more coaxing and gentle encouragements from Louis, Rae can finally breathe properly. Her vision clears as she slowly straightens up, eyes immediately locking on Louis'. The blue of his eyes don't look so blue anymore, instead anxiously tinted grey. His eyes are searching hers, probably to make sure her attack is over and she won't stop breathing again. His brow is furrowed so deep, Rae is abruptly concerned that he'll develop premature wrinkles. She suddenly feels guilty.

"Sor-sorry. I'm so sorry." Rae apologises sheepishly. 

Louis is automatically shaking his head. "S'not you fault, Rae. You're okay. Can you breath alright?"

"But it is. I-"

"No, it's not." Louis interrupts gently, placing the hand not holding hers to her face, tenderly cupping her cheek. He strokes his thumb beneath her eye once. "I was the one who brought it up."

Rae is just beginning to disagree when she's cut off by a familiar inhaler between her and Louis. She breaks eye contact with Louis, and sees Harry with the inhaler in his hand, smiling apprehensively; Rae thinks he just keeps it around now as some sort of inside joke. Zayn's next to him, holding out a cigarette, ironic and unashamed, but a concerned looked in his eyes, and Niall next to holding Pepper, who's worriedly pawing at Rae's knee. Which leaves Liam kneeling on her left, her hand clasped in his. He isn't looking at her though, rather, he's giving disapproving looks to Zayn, but his silent presence is comforting. When he looks back at Rae, he raises his eyebrows and subtly shakes his head. His expression is unexpectedly hilarious to her, and suddenly Rae is laughing so hard, she collapses into him.

She laughs so hard, she has to gasp to get take in breaths of air, and it makes Louis maneuver her into an upright position again. She's sure shes going to give him an ulcer on of these days. She didn't know it was so funny. Maybe it's because she hasn't laughed for days, or maybe she realises how much they all love her and like an idiot, she's only truly noticing it now. It feels good to laugh, liberating in a way.

"I thought you all left." Rae says, calming herself down. 

Niall shifts, an apprehensive look on his usually bright face, looks as if he doesn't want to ruin her strange mood. "Your mum-" He starts, clears his throat and continues, "was kicking your father out when we were leaving."

Oh. Rae sombers quickly. "Oh."

"So we just decided to help her out a little." Liam pipes up, squeezing Rae's hand. "Made her some food, and just cleaned up some."

"Thank you." Rae sighs in relief. "Honestly, thank you boys for everything. You really should go home though" When Rae looks at her digital clock, it's nearing midnight. "It's late and the...um...funeral is Saturday."

There's a pause in the room and Rae drops her eyes to play with Louis' fingers. When she decides to speak again, her voice is nothing but a whisper. "You'll come right? All of you?"

"Of course." Zayn answers fiercely. "She's right, lads. It's getting late, we should go."

By the time they all say their goodbyes, give strong hugs to Rae and kisses on her cheeks, the room is silent again. Rae has a sleeping Pepper in her lap, and knows Louis is lingering by the door. She gently strokes the cats fur a few more times before finally addressing Louis by looking at him.

"You know I'm going to ask you to stay, right?" It's more of a statement, than a question.

"Was just making sure." Louis replies, moving to sit next to her.

Rae rolls her eyes. "I'm in love with an idiot." She says fondly.

At that, Louis gently cups her face in his hands, leans in and kisses her breathless. She'd much prefer this form of breathlessness over anything else, and when they lay back together, Louis pulling her close to his side, she falls asleep quicker than she has the last few days.

**********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Happy 4th of July! <3


	55. Rain Came Pouring Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: funeral events, grief, everything that comes with the loss of a loved one. But something happens in this chapter that's rather essential.

Unbeknownst to anyone, besides Jasper, all week Rae and her mother -when her mum was actually up to it- have been planning the funeral. There have been phone calls made to floral shops, a service scheduled, a funeral home booked, and one finical break down where Rae had calculated the bill. That was when Jasper gently took over, told her not to worry about it, and sent her upstairs. 

Now Rae is standing in her room, hands shoved into her back pockets and having a staring contest with her camera. She hasn't touched it for a week. She can't, hasn't be able too. There's just been too many memories of Ronan, all captured in time on it. Maybe she doesn't have to make a slide show, maybe she can just take one of the pictures already framed and display it that way. However, her mother had asked her to do this, and no matter how painful it'll be for her, it will always be doubled with her mother. So, she's going to do this. 

She's going to scroll through all the pictures not yet uploaded, take all the undeveloped film rolls, search through her computer files and put together a slide show of Ronan. Rae briefly considers calling Louis, at least he can be a silent rock in the background in case the process becomes too much for her. Slowly, she begins to gather her camera bag, carefully putting in rolls of film, memory cards, and grabs her laptop. She sends a text to Angelique on her way over, and when she arrives at the loft, turned art studio turned dark room, Angelique is there with open arms. Rae sinks into her friends comforting embrace, holds tight to her for a few moments. When they break apart, Angelique offers her a small smile, and gestures behind her.

"I've got Baileys. Hazelnut."

***

Rae makes it through a good hour before she cracks. She sits in the corner of the room, hugging her knees to her chest and squeezing her elbows so she doesn't dig her fingers into her healing skin. She was halfway through setting up the slide show, half way through picking out the freshly developed photos when she came across one that stopped her in her tracks. She was watching the blank photo as it developed, the image slowly coming to life beneath the developing liquid. When her brain registered what the picture was, her heart clenched painfully, her chest muscles tightened, her breath caught in her throat.

The photo had to be taken recently. Ronan is embraced by Rae herself, her arms wrapped around him, hugging him to her chest. His cheek is pressed against hers, two smiles fading into a soft memory they just shared. His beanie is askew, knocked off balance from when he smushed his face against hers. Their eyes are opened, both focused somewhere right of the camera, and Rae can't even remember anyone sneaking a picture. Rae had carefully taken the photo out after it was done with the developing process, and gently hung it up to dry.

Now, as she continues to huddle in the corner, she ponders who even took the photo. Maybe one of the nurses snapped a quick one before they came for Ronan's treatment. Maybe Jackie was walking by and seized the opportunity. Or maybe Greg was making his rounds, picked up her camera and took it. She doesn't know, and as Rae fights the urge to dig her nails into her chest, rather than her elbows, she's grateful for the picture.

Angelique came to check up on her, ended up walking in during this realization, and stayed. Rae watches her now as she finishes developing the rest of the photos. Eyes following her friends movements as she carefully hangs photos, gently placing some in the drying racks. She's a silent comfort for Rae, allows her to feel things in her own head, on her own time and Rae truly appreciates that. Suddenly, she really appreciates her friends all at once; Kari for taking care of her those first few days, Liz for calling to check up on her. For Jasper, who looks like he'll become less of a boss to Rae, and more of a constant light in her mother's life. For Angelique all around, for support in her photography, her basically giving Rae her dark room, for coming in while Rae has a small mental breakdown. For all five boys who had abruptly come into her life and refused to leave. To the one currently standing in the now open doorway of said dark room. Rae blinks several times, but instead of her just thinking she's imaging him standing there, Louis doesn't fade away.

"Oh." Angelique pipes up, breaking the long silence. "I called Louis." She turns around, offering a small smile to Rae.

All Raelyn does is nod, returning a smile. She watches as Angelique's brows furrow down slightly, then points something out to Louis. His eyes follow her finger, sees the photo that lead to Rae making home in her corner and realization dawns on his face. He looks good, Rae notes in her head. He's been letting his stubble grow out more, dusting all around his jaw, chin, upper lip, just touching his cheeks. He's beautiful and Rae misses him, which is absurd because she saw him several hours ago. But her heart aches in the way it only does when he's around.

Louis finally enters the room, makes his way over to her, and squeezes himself between Rae and the wall. It's a tight fit, she knows this, and Louis knows this and in turn, it makes her smile. Rae lets her head drop to his shoulder, releases one hand from her elbow to find his. When she does, Louis fits his fingers between hers, and gives a comforting squeeze. She feels his lips press against her hair, and Rae closes her eyes, breathes him in. He smells a little like cinnamon, like maybe Harry was baking before he left, and smells like the ocean and Autumn leaves all wrapped up in one. That's how Rae falls asleep; her side pressed up against Louis', her head on his shoulder and his fingers tangled with hers. 

When she wakes up two hours later, Louis refuses to confess his whole arm fell asleep.

***

It's Saturday morning. Saturdays are for sleeping in. Made for just lying around, bumming around all day, to relax, well, for normal people who aren't in an internationally famous band, that is. Saturdays aren't meant to be sad days. Louis has never been this sad in his entire life. Not even when his parents divorced. Not even when, for the shortest amount of time, on X-Factor, where he truly thought it was the end of the line for him. 

He stands in the back, behind all the chairs lined up in perfect rows, in line with the other lads, Alberto and Paul all clad in black suits, black ties, standing inside a small church. He and the boys opted to stand in the back, away from the family and friends, not to draw too much attention to themselves. Louis makes sure, however, that Rae is always in his line of sight, even if it's just the back of her head, or the hem of her dress.

His eyes scan around the room before the service starts. Little blue flowers and white lilies all stacked up in the way flowers should never be, representing all kinds of sadness. The seats are quite full, never realizing how many people actually knew Rae's family and Ronan's story. His eyes land on framed pictures; photos he recognizes from earlier shoots, and ones he watched Rae's friend develop. 

The slide show begins and Louis' eyes snap back to Rae. She's talking to an elderly man, Louis assumes it's the Priest, with her back to the projector screen. She's holding her mothers hand tightly in hers, nods, then leads her mother to their seats. The Priest takes his place behind the podium, and begins the service. He tries to keep his eyes on Rae most of the time, just to make sure she's holding up.

The service goes on with a few readings of versus from the Bible. Louis hears the door behind him open and close quietly once, sees an usher from the corner of his eye standing respectfully at the side. His attention snaps forward again, the Priest informing the people gathered that the family has a few words to share. Louis didn't know this would be happening. He should have, family members normally do so for their loved ones, but Rae never mentioned she'd be the one to stand up there.

Raelyn slowly makes her way to the podium, placing a white sheet of paper down in front of her. Louis watches with bated breath, while Rae inhales deeply, probably counting in her head. She places one shaky hand on her chest, rubs once and grimaces subtly Louis thinks he's the only one who catches it. Except Zayn shifts next to him, elbow brushing against his. Seems like Louis isn't the only one anticipating a panic attack. He's suddenly struck with the knowledge of why Rae's up there; she can't physically cry. He knows she was more than likely offered to do this in place of her mother.

Despite that fact, Louis is curious to see if Rae will finally shed a tear, even just one. This moment is hard to watch, people already sniffling, already shedding tears in place of Rae's absent ones. Her eyes lift up from the paper, and freeze the moment she spots him. Except, she isn't looking at Louis, instead her gaze is pinpointed to the usher beside him. Confused, Louis looks to his right, sees the usher, and next to the usher, is Raelyn's father. Louis's stomach lurches, and he elbows Zayn.

David is half hidden behind the usher, knows he was never actually invited to the funeral. Louis wants to do something, wants to say something, make him leave so that look is no longer gracing Rae's face. However, he feels a hand squeeze his elbow in warning, turns his head to see Zayn shaking his head. So instead, Louis swallows the fiery anger curling up his insides, and looks back at Rae. He can see a muscle jumping by her jaw, sees her fists clenched one the podium, and her blue eyes ablaze. Louis' sure if she could pick up the heavy wood podium, she'd chuck it at her father. Instead, Louis shifts, moves around until Rae's eye snap over to him. It takes a few seconds, but the anger in her eyes fade away while she blinks. She gives Louis the tiniest hint of a smile, and begins speaking.

With David momentarily forgotten, Louis listens to Rae's soft, uneven voice, yet it's laced with strength. There aren't tears in Rae's eyes, but the room is filled with all kinds of sounds as she speaks. Soft and loud sniffles, quiet and broken sobs, noses being blown into tissues. Rae's right hand is back at her chest, still rubbing circles into her black dress, as if it would suddenly break open the dam that has been sitting in her chest for years. 

Rae talks about how brave Ronan was, about the strength she wished she had that he had every day. Speaks about Ronan's never fading smile, about his laugh that lit up a whole room. She tells her family and friends little stories, thanks everyone who has supported him and her family through every step of the way. Louis' been holding back his own tears, until Rae begins to tell everyone what Ronan's favorite thing in the world was; music.

The slideshow behind her changes pictures as it transitions into a familiar song. It's not until Louis really listens to it, does he pick up what is it. It's their song. Or rather, an instrumental piano version of _Little Things_. He's not sure where she got it, probably youtubed the whole night to find a version like that. What finally makes Louis lose his fight with his tears are the pictures playing along with the music. Nearly every photo Rae took of the five of them and her brother displays smoothly, one right after another. Louis' heart breaks for the beautiful little boy who held on for as long as he could.

Rae pauses for a moment, and Louis swears she sways on the spot. Her eyes snap up to Louis' watery ones, and he quickly wipes away the tears falling down his cheeks. Louis taps his chest twice, and Rae finally drops the hand at her chest. He watches her take a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second, before refocusing her gaze back on Louis. Rae ends her eulogy by singing a little piece of _Somewhere Over the Rainbow_.

When she finishes, there's not a dry eye in the place besides her own. Louis has been constantly swiping at his own eyes, and when the Priest comes back up to inform everyone to move outside, he feels an arm wrap around him, a hand squeezing his shoulder tightly. Zayn is giving him a shaky smile, both knowing what's to come next. 

The toughest part of any funeral involves moving out onto the actual graveyard. It's several long moments before Zayn releases his grip around Louis' shoulders. He shakes head, wipes his thumbs beneath his eyes, then levels Louis with a clear look. Briefly, Louis takes in the others expressions; he's sure Niall's red, splotchy face, Liam's broken expression, and Harry's puffy eyes all match his face as well. He looks back at Zayn, eyes much clearer with a knowing gaze. Louis' heart sinks to his stomach when Zayn's eyes shift over to Rae, who's walking out behind her mother, but her own eyes are glaring several feet away from Louis.

"She'll need you, Louis." Zayn says softly, the corners of his mouth turning down as he watches Rae touch her hand to her chest again, before disappearing from view.

Louis nods, not trusting his voice at the moment. When he looks behind him to see her father, he's gone.

***

If Louis thought he was the saddest during the service, it is nothing compared to the actual lowering of the small casket into the ground. He is standing across the way from Rae, having tried and failed to get closer to her, to at least offer her a comforting hand. It is absolutely heart-wrenching to watch. It becomes too much for MaryAnn, her knees buckling, clutching to her daughter for support, breaking down into sobs. She's clutching Ronan's blue blanket to her chest, and Louis can hardly hear, but it sounds like she's muttering a constant string of _"my baby"_. 

Tears are freely falling down Louis's face, and his heart feels like it's being slammed repeating against whitehot spikes to the point where he has to put his own hand over his chest. It's in this moment, this horribly tragic moment, that Louis finally, and fully understands what Rae usually feels. Understands her need to rip out her own heart because it's less painful than to actually feel it breaking into little pieces. Watching MaryAnn sob into Raelyn's shoulder is the most earth shattering moment Louis has ever witnessed. 

He has to look away, keeps his eyes on the grass that's too green beneath his feet. Niall sinks down into one of the open chairs next to Louis, burying his head in his hands, his attention now on his friend, sees Liam place his arm over him for comfort. Louis does so as well, squeezing Niall's shoulder. Someone moves behind him, grabbing Louis' elbow frantically. 

"Is she going to faint?" Harry asks breathlessly, panic evident in his tear ridden voice.

Louis eyes snap back to Raelyn. He understands Harry's slight panic; Rae is as white as the lilies on the casket. She's still holding onto her mother despite Jasper and MaryAnn's cousin stepping in to help. The tendons in her hands are taut over her knuckles, her teeth are cutting into her bottom lip. She is visibly shaking, losing her footing as she sways a little trying to support her mother. It's her eyes that give her away, blinking rapidly as if she's trying to clear spots from her vision, and the colour of her irises are the palest blue Louis' ever seen. 

Then Jasper is able to get a good grip on MaryAnn and Rae is free for a moment, looking around slowly like she's trying to find someone. Louis takes a step forward the second her gaze lands on him, ready to go to her. Rae shakes her head, pulls herself together so quick it gives Louis a whiplash. He's only seen her do that once before, and it's still terrifying how she's able to do that. As Rae turns away, Louis is suddenly struck with the realization that her breaking point is coming, and soon.

***

Raelyn just wants to be alone. She doesn't want there to be a gathering at her house, doesn't want her mother to have to try and thank everyone who came. She just wants to wrap her up in a warm blanket, and send her to bed with a cup of tea. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen, but Rae figures she's got about five minutes to herself before everyone else shows up. So she makes her way to her room, softly closing the door behind her. She's finally able to take off her heels, holding one in each hand, and just stands there.

It almost feels like the night they came home from the Hospice. It's all too quite, everything still besides the little particles dancing in the sunlight streaming through her window. The mess from the snow globe fiasco has been cleaned up the night before and everything is neatly in place, just as it was. The daylight illuminates every picture on the walls, every trinket, every single item Rae has in her room. Her bed is made, pillows straight and propping up the few stuffed animals on it. Everything is too clean, too perfect, too peaceful; everything completely opposite to how the day feels.

Rae feels like there's a hurricane trapped in her chest. Whirling around and around, waves slamming against her ribs, strong winds bursting in her stomach, knocking and blowing her insides around like they aren't attached to anything. It's all utter chaos that makes her feel dizzy. She felt it earlier, when her mother had a vice like grip on her arms, sobbing into her shoulder, grieving for her son. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, soaking into Rae's dress and all she wanted to do was rip her own heart out and give it to her mother. At least that way she wouldn't have to see the strongest woman, strongest person in her life fall apart like she did.

She felt sick to her stomach, which probably had to do with skipping meals since last night, but still nauseous like she ate a buffet. She had felt the beginnings of an attack, curling up her chest and around her heart, squeezing until she thought she would pass out. She had ignored it for her mum's sake, for everyone's really, too focused on holding her mother up, too focused on the shiny wooden casket laying her brother to rest. Forever. 

Rae swallows, feels pain shoot through her chest once as her eyes scan over pictures of Ronan. Her gaze lands on her bed, where a blue cotton beanie lays in the middle. She doesn't remember taking it from her mother, nor bringing it up to her room and dropping it on the bed. It's the beanie Louis gifted Ronan, on the day he first took her out to lunch. Her mother has the other two beanies Ronan had wore; his original one he wore for the first three years, and the grey one Harry gave him on that day they matched. The knitted cotton is something they could never, and will never give or throw away. They carry too many memories, good and bad, amazing and terrible, and the blue one that made Ronan's eyes pop sits on her bed. Crudely taunts her with every memory sewn into it's pattern. 

All the photographs on the walls, all the coloring book pages, the small stuffed animals, little knickknacks, the beanie. It all carries Ronan's memories, reminds her with an abrupt slap to her face that he little brother is gone, and never coming back. Never will Rae hear his bubbly laugh, hear his small voice asking her to sing his favourtie songs. She'll no longer see the dimple carving into his cheek, or the way his blue eyes, so much like hers, light up when telling his stories. Won't feel his lips press sloppily against her cheek, feel his sleeping weight on her chest, feel his little arms wrap around her neck. It's enough to finally break her.

There's a loud smack, follow by a thud, a sudden small dent gracing the far wall that wasn't there a second ago. It takes a few moments for Rae to realize she threw her shoe. It hit one of her posters, tearing a hole that revels the dent. She snaps then, worse than when her father showed up unexpectedly, chucking her other shoe; hits the same wall, but different picture. Falls to the floor with a loud smack.

It's like a volcano erupts within Rae, lava coursing through her veins, fueling every emotion she tried shutting away. All her anger, her hurt, her heart break, the hope she lost, the faith in whatever she had vanished. Every single emotion amped up tenfold, because how is it fair that a little boy, young and innocent and beautiful, loses his life because he lost the battle known as cancer. It makes her livid, makes her heart ache, stomach sick, and her chest constricts so intensely, Rae stumbles a little, throwing her arm out to catch herself. She knocks a few things off her desk in the process, watches them fall to the floor, sees the candle jar broken cleanly in half. Rae closes her eyes, blanking out.

***

It doesn't seem right, as they all pile into the car to drive to Rae's house, that the weather is actually nice. It should be violently storming, so it matches how the day feels, to portray the emotions that Louis saw in Raelyn's eyes. He remembers funerals he's attended for his own extended family members, and all he wanted to do was sleep after it was over. He can't even imagine how Rae and MaryAnn are feeling, how they're able to keep going today. The car starts up, the engine rumbling, and Louis twists to look behind him, hoping to spot Rae. She had disappeared from his sight right after, doesn't know if she already went ahead of the crowd. Probably, given that everyone else is getting into their own cars. Louis straightens himself right when Zayn puffs out a breath.

"Fuck." Zayn mumbles from his seat by the window and next to Louis. 

He wipes hastily at his eyes, and Louis squeezes his knee for comfort. Niall is sitting in the seat in front of them, has been silent since the funeral began, blue eyes blood shot from crying. Liam's arm is slung around his shoulder, no longer crying but his eyes are shiny whenever the light hits them. Harry's kept his head down next to Louis, but keeps wiping at his eyes and sniffling. Louis doesn't know how to comfort them all at once, so he just grabs Harry's hand and sets his chin between Liam and Niall on the row in front of him.

They pull up to the house fifteen minutes later, a few cars already in the driveway. Paul drops them off, informing them he'll park the car elsewhere. Louis never really understood why there are gatherings afterward. If it were him in MaryAnn's and Rae's position, he'd want nothing more than to just simply be alone afterwards with a big bottle of vodka, curled up in bed crying his eyes out. In this case, however, he knows if Rae has come to that, it would be a bottle of either wine or whiskey, curled up on her bed, rubbing frantically at her chest in attempt to force tears to flow. He doesn't want that to happen again.

They're met with light polite chatter when they enter the house, still a somber atmosphere lingering in the air. They're greeted by some of Rae's family members who recognised them at the funeral, and Louis spots Angelique, Liz, Kari and Max all chatting and all hovering close to MaryAnn. What's concerning to him though, is the lack of Rae's presence. The four lads begin to spread out, and Louis' about to join them when a noise from upstairs halts him. He's grabs an arm nearest to him, which happens to be Liam's.

"Did you hear that?" Louis questions, looking at the staircase.

Liam follows his gaze, and frowns. "No? Should I have?"

Louis hears another sound, a dull thud, followed by another, and if his ears weren't already attuned, he wouldn't have heard it either. He turns to Liam, who's now looking at him curiously.

"Make sure no one go upstairs for a bit, yeah?"

Liam nods, comprehension dawning on his express. "Yeah. Call if you need us."

Louis nods, then quickly, and quietly heads upstairs. The noises get louder as he gets closer, and they sound similar to when Rae was going through that memory box. Dread begins to weigh on his heart, anxious to open the door and see what's happening behind it. When he reaches her door, he doesn't hesitate to open it.

"Raelyn?" Louis calls out. He sees the mess before he sees her.

His eyes instantly falling on the disaster of the room. It looks like a tornado came through and wrecked everything. The Eiffel tower lamp has been knocked over, the bulb broken and lamp shade a few feet away. The jewelry box lays on its side, necklaces, rings, and the like all scattered along the dresser and floor. There are petals of dried-out roses all over the place, with their now empty stems next to Louis' feet. Nearly every poster, every photograph, every portrait has either joined the mess or clings helplessly to the wall by one piece of tape. The polaroids that had hung between the fairy lights aren't there anymore. The whole room is an absolute wreck, save for Rae' bed, where a blue beanie remains undisturbed. Louis finally spots Rae in the corner between her bed and closet, one hand at her chest, the other gripping her hair so tight, he can see her skin at her temple being pulled taught. 

"Fuck. Rae!" Louis rushes forward, kneeling next to her. 

He doesn't know which hand he should pull away first. Raelyn doesn't respond, just trembles violently. If it weren't for the material of her dress, her nails would already be ripping open her healing skin. Louis fears for one heart stopping moment that she isn't breathing, but then hears her breaths barely coming out in short little puffs, 

"Raelyn," He tries softly. 

He has to remain calm, otherwise he won't be able to pull her out of this. He gently takes her right hand away from her chest, tangling their fingers together and squeezing as hard as he can. If she can feel that, she'll be able to hear him. Louis begins to go through the steps to help her, counting out her breathing in between soothing words. He slowly uncurls her fingers ripping out her hair and when that's done, he carefully lifts her chin up so she can see his eyes. The tornado isn't in her room, but instead her eyes, and if Louis still had a full heart at this point, it'd break all over again.

Slowly, what seems like forever to Louis, Rae's shaking dies down to small tremors. Her breathing falls in rhythm with Louis' and the wild chaotic look in her eyes is replace by utter sadness. She squeezes his fingers hard, a sign that the attack is over. For the first time since Louis' known her, Rae's bottom lip trembles for a moment.

"Why?" Rae asks, voice barely audible, so feeble. "Why did it have to be him, Louis?"

Louis has no answer for that. Instead of answering her, he simply pulls her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and waist. She presses her face into his neck, her soft breaths ghosting over his skin, sending chills up and down his spine.

"Stay." She whispers, hands clutching at his shirt.

"Always, Rae. I'm never going anywhere." Louis promises her softly, gently pressing his lips to her forehead.

Rae nods once, begins to tremble again. Louis holds her tighter, and doesn't register the warm damp spot on his neck until Rae's hand jerks towards her chest. Passing it off as her breathing coming out in short pants again, Louis takes hold of her hand. He quietly hushes her, cooing sweet words, but mostly just holding her and rocking back and forth. It's when he feels her breath hit another part of his neck and another, then another, does he freeze, realizes that it's not her breath.

He never thought he'd witness this moment, and for a split second, he thinks it's all in his mind. But then Louis hears and feels a sob rip through Rae's body as she takes a deep shuddering breath. Just to make sure he isn't hallucinating, Louis reaches up to gently wipe his thumb beneath her eye. His thumb comes back damp. His action just causes Rae to finally, and fully break down, tears running down her face, dripping into the collar of his dress shirt.

Raelyn is crying. After nearly four years of holding everything back, holding every emotion, every feeling down until it was lock away. All her anger, all her concerns, her fears, her heartbreak, it is all, finally, coming out. It's hitting her hard, and she's shaking but for the time first, it isn't due to a panic attack. Rae is sobbing into Louis' chest, and how incredibly significant this moment is to the girl in his arms. He just holds her as tight as he can, and allows her tears to dampen his chest, right over his heart. 

***********


	56. The Ones Who Care

Rae wakes up startled, her heart pounding against her chest and a feeling runs through her body as if spiders were crawling all over her skin. She hasn't had that nightmare in weeks, and now it's come back with vengeance, so much worse than it ever was, because now, now she knows how true it all was. Her nightmare has been predicting the future without her realizing it. When the shadow took her brother, she didn't wake up. She was surrounded by utter darkness, just an empty void, floating aimlessly. She couldn't see, hear or feel anything; she was trapped, the darkness was enough to crush her.

She doesn't register that a voice has been chatting next to her ear, nor the arms around her until an abrupt, sharp snap pulls her out of it. Louis' voice is suddenly filling her mind, and she twists her head to the left to find him. His eyes, so incredibly blue like the spring flowers blooming outside, are gazing right back at her. Rae spots the relief seeping into Louis' expression, but the tightness around his eyes is still there and preventing the crinkles that usually grace the corners of his eyes. Louis carefully lifts his hand, gently wiping his thumb underneath Rae's eye. His thumb comes away with a tear, and instead of repeating the action, he leans forward and softly pressing his lips to her cheekbone under her eye. He does the same to her left eye. Somewhere in the back of Raelyn's mind, the act that Louis is literally kissing away, and tasting tears that she hasn't been able to shed for years is rather poetic; in a twisted way, possibly.

Rae sags forward, leaning into Louis and pressing her face in his chest. She feels his arms circle around her, his fingers gliding over the bumps of her spine. She listens to his steady heartbeat to soothe her. She doesn't remember ending up on the floor, doesn't even know how long she's been sleeping for. She really can't even remember coming up to her room. There's a low rumbling that begins in Louis' chest, and Rae realizes he's signing.

His voice is soft and raspy, tender and delicate and it's everything she loves about it. It's those reasons she fell in love with his voice, the reason that caused her to fall more in love with Louis himself. Rae closes her eyes and wishes she could stay just like this. Curled up in Louis' arms, listening to him singing, and feeling his fingers play with her hair. She nearly falls asleep again when she remembers there are people downstairs. She slowly pulls back, blinking away a fresh wave of tears, then wiping at her eyes to make sure there gone. It's suddenly so easy for them to escape her eyes and land on her thighs.

"I'm thirsty." Is the first thing to come out of Rae's mouth.

Louis chuckles under his breath. "I bet. You were crying a ton. Which. Alright." 

Rae just shrugs. She literally doesn't know how that even happened or what was the exact breaking point. "I don't know." She answers a question that wasn't asked. She presses her hand against her chest out of curiosity, wincing a little at the tender skin. "I remember my chest in so much pain and it...well, it feels different now. Not as tight, you know."

Louis furrows his eyebrows, contemplating. Then he nods. "Makes sense. Do you need anything?"

"How's my makeup?" Rae asks, because if she was crying as hard as he said, well...she hasn't invested in any waterproof mascara.

Louis licks both his thumbs, swiping serve times under her eyes. He ignores the wrinkles of disgust on her nose Rae's giving him. When he's finished, he hooks his fingers under her chin, lifts her head a fraction of an inch, and places his lips softly against her own. It's the simplest kiss she's ever received, but it takes her breath away. Louis keeps it short and sweet, and when he pulls away he takes part of her heart with him.

"All fixed. You're always beautiful, Rae. Even with mascara down your face." Louis smiles sweetly.

Rae can't even dish out a response to his light tease, because for the first time in days, a smile is spreading across her mouth. "How long have we've been up here?"

"Just under an hour."

"Guess I should go downstairs." Rae sighs, the smile slipping off her face as soon as it came. 

Louis nods silently, and once he stands, he offers a hand to Raelyn to pull her up. That's when she notices her disaster of a room, clearly remembering everything. Pictures are scattered all over the place, things knocked off and on their sides, it's all a mess and it displays perfectly what she's feeling inside. She sighs, running her hand through her hair. 

"Hey," Louis says from behind her, turning her around so she's facing him. "I love you."

There's a flutter in Rae's heart that reaches her stomach when he says that. It makes her smiles again, just a small tilt of her lips. She places her hand on the side of his face, her thumb running along his defined cheekbone. She may have a need to destroy things, to wreck painful memories until they can no longer haunt her, something she should possibly look into since that can't be very healthy. However, she can never find it in her to do the same to the most beautiful person that abruptly came into her life and colored her world again. Louis is so beautiful in every aspect she can thing of.

"I love you." Rae whispers back.

***

Louis watches Rae whirl around the sitting room and kitchen like a hawk. Watches her weave between her family members and friends, offering food for anyone who doesn't have a plate in their hand. He figures it's the only thing able to keep her going until she can retreat back to her room. Liam has been hovering by MaryAnn every time she's left alone and Rae shoots him a grateful smile every time she passes him. Angelique, Kari, Liz and Max have taken up a polite conversation with Harry and Zayn. Which leaves Niall to come up next to Louis, plastic red cup bending under the tense weight of his fingers. He's rather confused about the hostile vibe he's is giving off, because it's Niall and he's always the equivalent of the sun.

"Alright there, mate?" Louis questions curiously, concern for the plastic cracking and spilling whatever liquid is inside.

"I'm not sure what everyone really knows of Rae's father, but he's spewing shit." Niall answers, a bitterness to his voice that doesn't belong. "Saying that his job is what really pulled him away from the family and was unfortunately out of the country while Ronan was sick."

"Instead of just telling people he fucking bailed on his family." Louis supplies, a sick feeling twisting in his gut.

Niall nods, eyes dropping to his cup, and finally puts it on the table in front of them. "He's been trying to talk to her alone. Every time she goes into the kitchen."

Louis can feel the muscles in his jaw clench. "She wants nothing to do with him." He hisses through his teeth.

Both of them watch as Raelyn passes by again, her elbow caught by one of her cousins who pulls her into a tight hug. It seems as if her cousin's whispers in her ear advise her to take a break, for Rae finally sits down on one of the extra chairs. Her shoulder slump in exhaustion while her cousin flits away into the kitchen.

"I hope she's bringing her food." Niall pipes up. "I don't think she's eaten anything. Not with her bastard father trying to corner her. I know it's not my place, but I really don't want him near her. She doesn't need it."

Louis bites the inside of his cheek when he sees David come out of the kitchen. He spots his daughter, who makes split eye contact with him in passing. Louis blinks and suddenly Rae is out of her seat, weaving between people again. He loses sight of her, but her father's gaze is now on him and Niall, eyes narrowed like he's annoyed at their presence.

"Need anything to eat, Niall?"

Both him and Louis startle at the voice. Rae is standing right next to them, her back turned toward her father. There's horribly fake smile on her lips and Louis wants to kiss her to wipe it off. Niall shakes his head, shocked for a moment, before his expression sets into determination.

"I'm good thanks." Niall begins. "You however, need to take a break. Your feet'll fall off. Sit, eat, drink. Breathe."

"He always finds me when I do." Rae frowns, plastic smile finally leaving her mouth. "I don't want to handle that right now. I can't. Mum can't either."

"I'll ask him to leave. I will." Louis states. The sickening twist hasn't let up. Reminds him too much of the time his biological father showed up that one time when he was eleven. 

It looks like she considers it for a moment, turns her head just over her shoulder to see behind her. Her father is gone now. Turning back, Rae shakes her head. "Thanks, but it's alright for now. Don't want to start anything."

"Right." Niall says, hooking his arm with Rae's elbow. "Then hows about we go met your lovely cousin, Kelly is it, who's probably getting you food. She's quite lovely."

Rae slaps the back of his hand. "No. She's seventeen, you tosser."

Both Niall and Louis laugh, and it pulls a small chuckle out of Rae herself.

*

Evening has come, and most of the people have left, but the ones still lingering grab hold of paper lanterns. Earlier, when Rae had sat down and ate the food her cousin gave her, she explained the meaning. They did the same thing after Vinny's funeral, writing little messages to send up to the sky as a last goodbye. It's sweet, sad and lovely all at the same time. It's a pretty sight, all the lanterns being light up at once, like that scene in Tangled, minus the boat and the singing. 

Louis is holding onto one with Zayn, admiring the doodles he'd drew on them. He smiles at him, because the drawing of Iron Man is the same one Zayn gave Ronan a few months back to frame. Louis looks around for Rae, to point out their lantern, but he doesn't see her. She's not by her mother, nor her friends. Not with Liam and Niall either. He can't find her, but he also doesn't see Harry so he hopes they're getting a lantern of their own. That is, until Harry pops up next to them, unlit and deflated lantern in hand.

He looks a little pale, green eyes hard around the edges. "He found her. She politely kicked me out of the kitchen."

"Fuck." Louis cruses, carefully giving his portion of the lantern over to Zayn. "I'll go-"

"Lou," Harry interrupts gently, "I think it's something she has to do herself. She wouldn't have told me to leave if she wanted someone there."

"But what if he does something? What if-"

"I'm more concerned about her doing something to him. Like throw the kettle at his head."

"Exactly! He could say something that just...he doesn't really deserve a chance to explain anything."

Harry bites his lips for a moment, contemplating his next response. Which usually means it won't be something Louis would like to hear. It's not. "Is that really your call though? I understand, Louis! Of course I do, you know I do. Our fathers fucked off when we were babies. We know what it feels like to feel a little unwanted by someone who's suppose to love us unconditionally. I'm not trying to justify what he did, it's just. Now we're on good terms with our fathers, well, Mark in your case. That's amazing, yeah? Rae's father literally abandoned them. He left behind an incredibly sick child, a sixteen year old and a wife who struggled because of it. We got lucky. Raelyn..."

"Not so lucky." Louis nods. He was correct. He didn't want to hear it, but Harry is right. It isn't worse and it isn't better, but it's different. 

"I know it's shitty. I'd love to punch him if I could." Harry chuckles darkly. It's funny, because he wouldn't hurt a fly. "But if she wants to give him a second chance, then that's her decision alone to make. MaryAnn isn't helping in that either. Rae's plenty old enough to make her own choices. She's smart, and strong. She'll be fine no matter what she decides."

The sickening knot is back, but Louis ignores it in favor of everything Harry just said. He sighs, defeated. "You're right, Haz. It's fucked up, but you're right."

At one point during his little speech, Harry placed a hand on Louis' shoulder, which he gives a comforting squeeze. Louis squeezes his elbow in return as Harry's eyes slide over his shoulder. He frowns, looks around for a moment, then back at Louis. "Where's Zayn?"

Louis whips around. Zayn no longer behind him, and the Ironman lantern floating several feet above their heads. Turning back to Harry, they make eye contact for a second before both moving towards the sliding glass door of the kitchen. There, they find Zayn, who's standing just out of sight from anyone inside. He's watching carefully, brown eyes narrowed and arms crossed over his chest. They can hear the voices inside, though thoroughly muffled, but Louis can tell which one is Rae's for her voice is slightly louder.

The fondness in Louis' heart grows for a moment, as he stands there watching while Zayn intimidatingly stares down the man in the kitchen unknowingly. Knows that Zayn's surge of protectiveness comes from that night a few days ago; witnessing Rae's attacks is never a fun experience. It felt some sort of brotherly protection he knows only comes from being the only brother in a family of sisters. He's filled with admiration that all four of his bandmates, his best mates in the world, all have come to care and love Raelyn just as much as he has; minus the fact that Louis is _in_ love with her.

And yeah, she's a big girl. She can fully take care of herself, of her mother, of bills and payments and responsibly, learned that from an age where she didn't need to yet. However, that doesn't mean Rae can't have people who care for her look out for her. To always be there if she needs someone to step in, to step up and defend her; even to defend her own choices, like Harry just did. She didn't need to be defended and protective from the media like Liam's been doing secretively. Able to keep her name out of most of the shitty tabloids by begging their management. He knows she can handle that, can handle anything thrown her way, especially after recent events. At the same time, it's alright if Louis wants that for her, isn't it. Either way, they will always be there for her until the day she tells them to fuck off. 

Which is what Rae might have just done to her father, for Zayn straightens his posture just as the door slides open. Louis is at an angle where he can't actually see into the kitchen, so he cant see how heated the glare Zayn shoots over her shoulder is, or if her father got the full affect of Zayn Malik hate. (Louis is still half convinced that if you piss off Zayn, a god of some sort will strike lightning on that poor soul). Rae matches his stance, arms crossed, expression set the same way. They stare at each other for several long, tense moments, then Rae deflates, muttering a cruse under her breath and literally falling into Zayn.

He reacts quickly, arms wrapping around her waist as she buries her face into her shoulder. She's squeezing her arms around his chest so tight it looks like Zayn's having difficulty breathing. Louis just watches as he brings one hand up to the back of her head, stroking his fingers through her hair that's been falling out of its braid for hours. His lips are moving over her ear, but they're just far enough away that the hushed words aren't carried over.

"What's happened?" Comes Liam's alarmed voice from behind Louis and Harry. "Everything alright?"

Louis shrugs, but Harry answers for him. "I think so? Possibly."

"Possibly." Liam echos, more than likely rolling his eyes. "People are looking for her. Want to say goodbye before they leave."

"Go on then." Louis tells hims quietly. He doesn't want to be the one to disturb their hug. 

He feels Liam pat him on the back, then squeezes past them. He gently lays his hands on both Rae and Zayn, who finally break apart. There's a small smile gracing Raelyn's lips, only wiped away when she leans in to kiss Zayn's cheek. When she passes by Louis, following behind Liam, she gives his hand a small squeeze, letting her fingers trail along his until she's too far away to keep contact. The minute they're out of earshot, he turns to Zayn.

"Relax, Lou." He says instantly. "I'm pretty sure he left. Not sure how long they were talking for, but he left and that's all that matter, yeah? She's fine."

In the grand scheme of things, Rae isn't fine. The situation with her father however, Zayn might be right. Maybe Rae had gotten the majority of her anger out the other night, yelling at her father and breaking every memory she had of him. Maybe that's her outlet for letting her anger go when it reaches boiling point. Maybe Louis should convince her to sign up for kickboxing classes, or train with their tour fitness trainer. So then maybe she did just calmly tell him to leave, had gotten anything else she wanted to say to him, wiped her hands clean and sent him home.

"I'm gonna," Harry begins quietly, "see if she still wants to light this." He wiggles the lantern as if they forgotten about it.

"Think she'd love that." Zayn smiles.

"Louis?"

Louis shakes himself from his thoughts. If she wants to tell him anything, she will. He just has to wait. "Yeah. Yeah sounds good."

***


	57. Off to Neverland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter

Night has fallen on a day that feels like it should have been over several hours ago. There's a slightest hint of a breeze, teasing with the first signs of summer, though still cool enough to cause some shivers. There's a quiet stillness that settles is the air, the only sound is the faint rustle of the trees leaves when the wind dances among them. The only light comes from the moon, and the soft glow of the deck lights, and the silence comes from everyone having gone home. Rae sits alone on the deck, clad in yoga pants, a tee shirt and a zip up hoodie that slips off her shoulder whenever she moves; she swears it's Louis given the Vans logo. Her dress was just too black and too stuffy and filled with a depressing vibe. She's fiddling with the last unlit lantern, black sharpie in hand, twirling it around her fingers. The canvas of the lantern is untouched, blank, because Rae has absolutely no idea what to put. Earlier she had taken her camera back from Angelique who, bless her soul, began to take pictures of the lantern ceremony in her absence, and took the rest of the photos of the lights floating in the sky. It was a beautiful sight that brought on a new wave of fresh tears. She hid in a dark corner of the outside of her house, until Harry found her, ridding her tears with a dimpled smile and a hug so tight it made her back pop. She thinks her ribs may have bruised, but it was a good hug, a much needed hug.

She's still spewing over her father finally cornering her in the kitchen, unable to get away before he asked to talked to her. She felt sick to her stomach then, and thinks that maybe sending Harry away wasn't the greatest idea at that time. She had no one to mentally hold on to; Louis was out lighting a lantern with Zayn and she hadn't seen Niall or Liam around. At least with Harry she could have reached out, grabbed his hand, when it got too much, and he could step in and defused the whole thing. However, it was something she needed to do herself, so she ignored the flutters of anxiety, sucked it up and dealt with her father like the adult she is.

Despite her feeling proud of herself for a moment, and the two surprising emotional break downs, crying so hard when she hadn't in years, she feels exhausted; empty. It's not the same kind of empty she felt a few days ago. When all she had been was a hallow case of a body, like a discarded homeless seashell, laid buried beneath gritty sand with the oceans tides burying her deeper into the ground. The ground. Under the sand. Under the earth. Six feet under to be exact.

Rae's chest tightens painfully and her breathing hitches every now and again. Though she has finally shed four years worth of pent up tears, it's still painful to do. She squeezes her eyes shut, feeling a warm tear escape through the lashes of her left eye. It feels strange to cry again, to feel this release in her chest she hasn't felt in a long time. It makes the muscles in her chest spasm, like they remember how painful it was, and can't get over the fact that maybe, just maybe the pain will finally subside. It doesn't stop her from letting one side of the lantern go, and pressing her hand firmly to her chest, healing skin throbbing in protest. Old habits die hard.

"I swear I'll put those gloves back on your hands and handcuff them to the chair."

Rae only jumps slightly, turning her head to spot Louis closing the sliding door behind him. She watches him over her shoulder until he's close enough for her to move her head so her neck isn't screaming at the horrible angle. He grabs one of the empty chairs, drags it closer to her, so close that the arms of the chairs over lap, and plops down on it.

"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose to the gloves then?" Rae challenges softly after a moment. 

Louis levels her with his 'I see your bullshit' stare. "Still not trusting you won't claw your way through metal."

Rae doesn't respond, but watches as Louis reaches out, cautiously swiping his thumb beneath her eye. Maybe she was crying more than she originally thought. Or maybe Louis is just being himself and the gesture is him showing his love. Or maybe, he spots the tear tracks and is only tracing the ghost of what's left behind. Whatever his reason, the dull, painful spasms fade into light fluttering. He trails his fingers along her cheekbone, down the length of her jaw, brushes his fingertips over her neck and collarbones, then intertwines his with her fingers on her chest. Rae had closed her eyes, just feeling Louis' touch leaving warm tingles in its place, but opens them when he speaks again.

"S'a bit cool out, innit?" He questions, his other hand rubbing away the goosepimples along the exposed part of her arm.

The hoodie has slipped further down, but she doesn't bother to fix it. Instead, Rae takes a second to remember how to breath, because Louis' eyes are so incredibly blue, even in the soft lighting. She blames it on the moon, since it's reflecting in his eyes, soft around the edges, to match the way he's looking at her. Rae inhales as subtly as she can, and wonders if she takes Louis' breath away the same way he does to hers.

"A bit." She answers, offering a small smile. "I think it's rather nice."

Louis' only answer is a returning smile and tender kiss to the back of her hand. Both of them fall into a comforting sort of silence, Louis staring out at the distance, and Rae admiring his profile. His thumb is slowly swiping back and forth on her hand, dipping in the spaces between her knuckles, and she's suddenly taken aback to how in love she is with him. Wonders how blind and stupid she must have been for not realising it sooner. Why she ever denied herself of her feelings, of his feelings for her, in the first place. She can't fight the frenzy of butterflies in her stomach, nor the pounding of her heart when she's around him, or every single time he looks at her with that expression so soft, so open, it kind of scares her with how raw it is.

It's nearly been a year since all five of them walked into her life, singing to Ronan, singing to the children of the Hospice. They have put smiles on faces that had forgotten how to, including Rae herself. They've given hope to children who had lost it, gave company, companionship, to the ones who never had family members come visit. They brought Olivia out of her shell. Showed love to Tony who never got it from his parents. Treated all those kids the way they should have been treated all along, instead of the people in their lives who treated them like they had the plague. They brought in funds and public promotion to Hummingbird that they desperately needed it so it wouldn't go bankrupt.

They have brightened Raelyn's world when she'd forgotten that it's not just black and white like the photos she develops. All five have brought laughter back, in the way Niall and Harry would goof off around the kids, like little bursts of sunshine here and there. The way Niall was never too serious unless he had to be, always a positive source of life when Rae was around him. Making her laugh with all the accents he can impress, made her laugh so hard one time she had fallen off the couch, clutching at her ribs. He showed how much he really cared for Ronan with each fist bump, each high five, and especially each time he allowed Ronan to pluck at the strings of his guitar. Showed how much he cares for Rae herself, when he practically carried her out of the Hospice when she was sick. It's impossible to be sad whenever Niall is around.

It's impossible to be negative when Harry is there, constantly showing how good, how compassionate people can still be. How selfless and kind and willing to be the source of happiness. How he allowed nearly every child to touch and braid his hair, how he sat with that one lonely teenager and listened while she talked about her home life with tears in her eyes. Rae knows though, despite everything she's seen in person of the real Harry, the media portrays him as someone completely different. She sincerely hopes that no one will ever break him enough that he loses his genuine, kind heart. Because anyone who offers to be her date for a wedding and patiently wait around while she takes pictures doesn't deserve the shit he's given. Not when he gave his favorite beanie to Ronan because he mentioned he liked it. Or when he was there for Rae when she was doubting herself, doubting Louis, doubting hope. Who offers his inhaler each time Rae has difficultly breathing. Who picked a stray kitten off the street without thinking twice about it, and therefore thinking this stray kitten will eventually be a small form of therapy for Raelyn.

"Zayn drew Iron Man on our lantern." Louis's voice breaks through Rae's thoughts like a gentle caress. "Figured Ronan would appreciate that."

Rae smiles at that, though Louis isn't looking at her. Thinks maybe he's been lost in his own thoughts. "I figure he'd be right." She answers. Louis squeezes her hand, and the quiet returns.

Zayn is, and has always been attentive ever since Rae met him. He stays quiet while around others, a silent presence in the back, careful eyes watching and picking up on things people would miss. Rae figures it's the artist in him, and truly thinks it's that aspect that made them bond in the first place. What launched their strange sort of friendship was the day she found him sneaking a smoke break. That was when the beautiful, intimidating nature of Zayn, showed he was just as human as the rest. Shaken up and haunted by the reality of Hummingbird Hospice, and when he knocked his fist against Rae's head when they got into the lift, she knew it was his way of truly thanking her. She didn't know it then, but Zayn is fiercely protective, some times even against Rae's own self. They share this moment, only between them and it will only ever be between them, when he walked in on one of her recent panic attacks. He didn't call for help, he didn't call for Louis, just gently took her hands away from her chest, squeezed until she could focus on him. He rested his forehead against hers, and began to inhale and exhale deeply, muttering his counts with each one until Rae subconsciously fell along with his rhythm. That's when she confessed a dark secret only Louis knew then, lying with her head in Zayn's lap while he brushed his fingers through her hair. He's been a strong and silent support for her, and a happy, willing to draw anything at the request of her brother, friend. 

Louis clears his throat, then chuckles under his breath.

"What?" Rae questions, tilting her head in slight confusion.

"Liam couldn't get his to light, and nearly ended up lighting the whole thing on fire instead."

"Is that why he came back in with a wet shirt?"

"Harry has terrible aim when it comes to extinguishing near fires."

Rae chuckles along with him, lightly slapping her forehead in exasperation. Liam's been so incredibly helpful lately, keeping an eye on her mother even though he was asked just that one time. He's been a solid support for her as well, they all have, and Liam is so sensible, and caring and understanding. He's got something like big brother protectiveness, especially in tough situations, and handling them so well. Like when he stayed close to her and Ronan during the first paparazzi encounter, and when he caught Ronan when he had weakness in his legs. He was able to keep the situation calm and in return, helped calm Raelyn. Despite being older than him by a year, he's like a big brother Rae never had; looking out for her, for them, quietly in the background. He was the one to ultimately convince and talk their team into letting them come back from Paris two days early, just for her, and Raelyn is incredibly grateful for that. Rae rubs her forehead, drops her hand and when she looks back over to Louis, he's staring up at the sky.

Louis's profile is beautiful. His jaw cutting against the color of night, his cheekbones casting small shadows from the soft light emitting from the deck. His long lashes brush his cheeks every time he blinks. The slope of his nose, the relaxed line of his mouth. He's got a few days worth of scruff along his cheeks and jaw, and Rae realises it's because he has literally been at her house day and night for the past three days. He didn't have too, was never asked to stay the night or do everything he has done for them.

Louis is everything. Has been everything wanted, everything needed that Rae never realised she did. He's been this bright, beautiful, strong support for her from day one. Somewhere along the way she began to lean on him, and maybe it's because he had an uncanny knack of timing in finding Rae in her weak moments. Or maybe it was how simple it was to tell him everything, to trust him completely, that it was okay to let someone see her fall apart. To allow a near stranger to slowly become the anchor she didn't know she needed in her life. A solid rock of support, of comfort, of hope when she lost sight of it. Maybe it was the fact that Louis took her attacks seriously, helped and held her through it, and never once made her feel weak or inadequate. He's been a consistence warm, like a fire burning large and bright, one with enchanted wood logs so the flame never burns out.

Rae reaches out with her free hand, gently tracing her fingertips along the line of his jaw. Louis' eyes flutter close, allows her to continue without interrupting. He must be exhausted too, Rae thinks, taking care of her nonstop after coming off a flight from Paris. He's the one who sent the other boys home for proper sleep, who checked up on her mum when Jasper wasn't there. He hid the wine bottles and force Rae to drink actual liquid that wouldn't make her liver scream in protest. He patched her up, held her tight when she needed it, gave her space when she wanted it. Never left her side, and abruptly, Rae feels guilty. She wonders how difficult it has been for him; Ronan had become a part of his life just as much as Rae has. She can't seem to recall Louis actually grieving, too busy trying to make sure she didn't fall apart more than she already had. Too busy attempting to pick up her shattered pieces, or at least make her feel a little more human. 

How is it fair that Louis has always been the one to make her laugh when she'd almost forgotten how to truly do so. That he was always the one to drop everything and be there for her; skip off on Eleanor, skip out on important, famous people meetings that important, famous people are required to go too. The guilt curls in her gut, and Rae's fingers stutter against his cheekbones. She's responsible for that break up, for Zayn's small punishment in Paris, for any scolding thrown their way, it was all because of her. Isn't she responsible for all of that? For that day when Louis was stalked and surrounded by fans because he was trying to cheer her up, give her a break.

Rae pulls her hand back, slowly dropping to her thigh. Louis opens his eyes after a moment, rolling his head onto his shoulder to look at her. He's got this soft look in his eyes, the color of his irises bright like the moon itself, then he frowns. Must have noticed the guilty expression on Rae's face.

"Stop that." Louis reprimands, soft and gentle. "Whatever that looks is for, stop thinking about it." Instead of allowing Rae to reply, he takes her hand, brings it up to his face and leaves her fingers against his skin. He eyes shut once more as he wiggles in his seat, becoming a little more comfortable. 

"S'nice. Felt nice." He mutters, gesturing towards her hand. 

Rae chuckles under her breath, and continues to draw aimless doodles on his cheek and neck. Maybe she doesn't have to feel to guilty about everything. He has told her plenty of times that everything he did and has done is because he wants to. Louis releases a tiny, content sigh and Rae thinks that this moment is the first time he's actually relaxing. For some reason, it lifts her spirits from the negatives to the positives; just a little.

And isn't it funny how she always feels better, lighter around Louis. Like his crinkly, twinkling cerulean eyes and wide smile and infectious personality is pixie dust thrown on her, allows her to feel better, think happier, feel like she's flying. For her fly; that's what she's been wanting to to do for the past week. Fly away and leave every pain filled emotion behind. To just forget everything that's happened, forget who is now gone forever. Rae thinks maybe, if Louis was holding her hand during her flight, maybe, she can come out of this with part of her heart in tact. There will always be missing a piece, Ronan having taken that part with him from the minute he was born. Though maybe that empty piece will eventually be filled with memories of her brother giggling and asking her to sing and take as many pictures as she can. Abruptly, Rae is struck with another memory.

"Louis." She speaks up. Rae keeps her voice quiet because any louder seems like it'll shatter this calm they have. Louis turns his head once more, eyes still closed. Rae's fingers slipping over his lips in the process. He kisses three of her fingers lightly before humming his response.

"Do you remember that night you whisked me away to Neverland?" Rae questions, finally putting the lantern carefully on the ground and turning her body towards him.

"Of course." Louis answers, his voice just above a whisper, eyes opening again and copying Rae's moments. "That's the night I truly realised how much I love you. Why?"

Rae sits up a little, her original question is snuffed by his confession. "You what?"

A slow smiles begins to spread across Louis' lips, he stops it halfway by rubbing his lips together and pushing them out to relax the muscles. It's a thing he does when he tries not to smile too hard. He clears his throat.

"Yeah." Louis shrugs nonchalant, like telling her he realised his feeling for her several months ago is not a big deal. This time he doesn't stop his smile and the stars hardly shine in London, but Rae swears she sees them entangled in the blues of his eyes, and there's a possibility she's matching his smile. "Anyway, why'd you ask?"

The smile slips from Rae's mouth, and the fluttering caused by Louis in both her heart and stomach subside. "I was wondering if you could take me again?" She can no longer look at his beautiful smile fading away, so Rae drops her eyes to her lap. She feels Louis lift their hands, fingers still tied together and feels the press of his cool lips against her knuckles.

"Of course, love." Louis whispers his promise into her skin.

They sit in silence for a long time after that, gazing up at the moon and what little stars they can see. The moon is a bright reminder, and Rae is trying not to think of why she wants to escape again. Trying to keep her mind clear of any thoughts, to just enjoy the quiet and the sound of Louis' soft breaths next to her. Though it's within this silence that her thoughts are the loudest, and no matter how hard she tries, they still plague her mind. The center of her world, the light of her mother's, is physically gone and now Rae has absolutely no idea how to handle her life without him. How does she just suddenly go on? If she gets down to the reality of it, she has all this free time she never had before. She no longer has to work double shifts at Jaspers if she doesn't want too. She doesn't have to wake up in the early hours before the sun has even peaked, to put on that uniform, or serve grumpy, rude costumers. She likes working there, she likes Jasper, but maybe she'll just drop those extra shifts. Jasper will pretend to keel over in shock, then probably send her home with a dinner made for an army.

It means her mother, who has worked so hard at two jobs for the past four years can possibly drop her night job. It means proper sleep for her mum, more time spent with Rae herself. Maybe they can actually take a mother-daughter pamper day when they feel ready too. Maybe Rae can actually bring her mum to the darkroom and teach her how to develop photos. Her mother won't have to worry about expensive bills or stress about paychecks to pay those bills. It's all bittersweet.

This doesn't mean that Rae is happy about all the free time that's come around. At the moment, she'd still much rather spend her days in the hospital if it means getting Ronan back. It's going to be a hard, long, and tough road to even remotely start to heal, but that's why she has her mother and her mother has her. They have each other, and if that's all they need to begin to heal, then that's perfectly fine. There are going to be sleepless nights filled with tears. There's going to be severe heart break when they suddenly remember they don't have to pay that Hospice bill, or drive straight over for a visit. There will be reminders every single day, every time they walk by a photograph Rae has taken. Rae's literally got a reminder etch into her skin forever. So yes. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt.

Louis shifts next to her, releasing her hand and suddenly feels his fingers playing with her hair. Rae knows, however, that as much as it's going to be just her mother and her now, they aren't completely alone. Vinny's mother Carol, knows exactly what Rae's mother is feeling. There's a common comfort in that for her mother, as well as one for Rae and Vinny's sisters. Jasper as been frequently popping up in their life and she knows he'll take care of her mother the way she should be taken care of and loved. They aren't alone, and as Rae closes her eyes and feels Louis begin to braid her long hair, she's got more than enough support. She did meet five incredibly, amazing people in the past year, and unexpectedly befriended them all. All five who has seen, at least once, how emotional her lifes rollercoaster was, and still decided to help her. She's fallen in love with one of them, and he's sitting next to her, fingers weaving through her hair.

It feels like Louis has always been there for her. From day one, till now, he has been an incredible anchor for Rae. He took time to know her, to know Ronan, to care, to show how compassionate and how amazing his heart really is. He loved Ronan as much as he could, talked to him, engaged him, made him laugh. He's helped her through everything. Rae was blind to see it before, but now she does know how much Louis loves her. Probably should have realized it when he nearly stole a plane, or whisked her away in the middle of the night to be like Peter Pan and Wendy. It's with all these thoughts that a nasty one rears it's head and blooms in her mind.

Louis is famous. Like, _internationally_ , famous. There's a huge chance he won't be next to her forever. Maybe he'll get bored or find someone else and fall in love harder than he has ever been in love. He'll be gone for months at a time, possibly even a year. Traveling and touring and being beautifully famous as he is, and Rae will just be at home taking pictures of flowers trying to heal her heart. She wonders if she's ready to have everything out for the public to see, if their new relationship gets out before they're ready for it to. Wonders if she's ready for the rest world to know about her family, about Ronan. Rae wonders if that's just enough to scare her out of her relationship with Louis. Her anxiety begins to bubble in her the pit of her stomach, making it's way up to her chest.

Rae turns to look at Louis, forgetting his braiding. He looks back at her, his eyes still so blue despite the dark. He's stunning, possibly the most beautiful person she has ever seen. Louis is his own category of beauty, inside and out, flawed and perfect, loud and soft, compassionate and protective. Louis smiles at her then, and Rae's heart stutters in her chest and sends butterflies fluttering down to her stomach that overtakes the stabbing of panic. No, she thinks, nothing will ever be enough to scare her away. Not after everything he's been through with her. She sees hearts in Louis eyes and it's always when he's looking at her. His expression soft, his eyes fond, his mouth giving her that crooked smile.

"Stop that." Louis says again, breaking the silence around them.

Rae frowns, confused. "Stop what?"

"You're thinking way too much." Louis leans forward, closing the few inches between them to kiss her temple. "I know your mind, Raelyn. You don't need to worry about anything right now. Not today. Not for while, alright? Can you do that for me, just try not to worry?"

Rae nods with his lips against her skin, then sighs. It's been a long, emotionally draining day and Louis is right. She tries to move closer, snuggle into his chest, despite the annoying arms of the chairs. Louis helps by angling her chair and pulling her legs over his lap. He rests one hand on her upper, inner thigh, and wraps his other arm around her shoulders, he pulls her as close as he can and instead of tucking her face in his neck like she originally wanted to, Rae presses her lips against his. She can feel Louis move his hand along her shoulder, up her back, slipping his fingers in her hair and deepens their kiss. 

This is what she needs, Rae thinks in the back of her mind, a solid weight against her chest, a strong arm holding her tight, the comfort and love that Louis gives her. He tastes like he got into one of the cupcakes she made, sweet with a hint of coffee on his tongue. It's a little addicting and Rae blames her next move on that, instead of the fact that Louis is literally the only thing that makes her forget. Makes her clear her mind so she doesn't dwell on a loss. Rae shifts around, surprised she doesn't break apart their lips when she maneuvers her legs and successfully settles on Louis' lap, straddling his thighs. He makes a surprised, yet intrigued noise in his throat, both hands going to grip her hips. Their kiss suddenly heats p several notches.

Rae's stomach is fluttering again, a mix of excitement and a stubborn bit of anxiety, so she grips Louis' shirt tight in her fists, pulls him just a little bit closer. Her chest is pressed to his and she can feel his pounding against his chest, until it matching the rhythm of her own and she can't tell who's heart is felt against whose chest. She can hear their pants and gasps with each swipe of their tongues, with each subtle movement of hips and grips of hands. Rae loves him, she loves him so much. He makes her warm, causes shivers to run up and down her body, makes her heart want to burst in her chest, in the best way that's anything but painful and that's what she needs. Louis finally breaks away to catch his breath, because unfortunately kissing requires some breathing breaks, and air is apparently a vital part of being human. Rae doesn't take that break with him though. She trails her lips along his cheek, nips at his jaw, bends her back so she can reach his neck. She thinks, if she stops kissing him, all her thoughts will flood back. Louis knows her all too well, because his willingness suddenly chances. 

"Rae. Raelyn." He pants heavily, voice strained like the last thing he wants to do is be reasonable. His hands tighten on her waist, but Rae doesn't stop. Wants to keep kissing him until he's all she can think about it. She feels his hands move up her sides, rubs up and down like he doesn't want to stop her, then continues to move them until her face is cradled in his hands.

"Love, hey. Raelyn, look at me." 

Louis pushes her back as gently as he can until he forces eye contact; a ring of cerulean around slightly blown pupils. Now Raelyn is panting, much harder than Louis is. She can see his eyes shifting like he's trying to figure out where all that came from. It takes him two seconds to do so, for his expression softens. He swipes both his thumbs under her eyes, and Rae's suddenly angry at herself. She didn't realise she was crying again.

"Hey, you're alright. You're okay. I've have you. I always have you." He promises, pulling her in again, this time for a tight hug. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I don't know!" Rae nearly gasps, trying to shove down a sob threatening to escape. "I don't want to think about anything. I don't know how I can do anything, Louis. I-"

"Shhh, you're okay. I've got an idea. You trust me?" Louis asks. He asks like he doesn't already know the answer.

Rae nods, smudging her tears against his neck. "Always."

"Budge up for a moment, darling."

Rae gathers herself before she fully pushes herself off and away from Louis. She watches as he bend over, picks up the lantern and stands up. He offers his hand silently, questioningly, wiggling his fingers a little. Rae hastily wipes away her tears, now hating that she can physically cry again, and puts her hand in his. He pulls her along until they reach the three steps that lead to the grass, and plops down. The force tugs on her arm, so Rae has no choice but to follow. Once she's settles, Louis sticks his hand inside the pocket of the hoodie.

"S'this mine?" He questions, mostly mumbles it under his breath with a smile, and pulls out the lighter and sharpie.

Rae watches quietly as Louis begins to unfold and straighten the lantern. He uncaps the marker and hands it over to her, an expectant expression on his lovely features. She takes the sharpie and lantern, poises the felt tip just about the canvas and pauses. She ran into this problem earlier, her mind coming up with nothing and just staring at the blank space. She turns to Louis.

"I haven't got anything to write." Rae confesses sadly.

Louis doesn't answer for a moment, just stares up at the moon, contemplating. "Rae, is there a reason you want to go back to Neverland?"

"It was just you and I." Her answer makes Louis look at her. "Your spontaneity left no room for any other thought. Just you and me and the swing and the moon. It was nice, it was a nice night. Don't you think Neverland is a nice place, Louis?"

Rae knows the softness she accidentally laced into her voice does not hide the meaning behind her question. She knows what she's asking and she knows Louis definitely knows what she means. Louis leans over to gently kiss the corner of her mouth. He swipes his thumb over her lips, lingering for a second too long, then moves to rest his forehead against her temple.

"I think Neverland is a beautiful place." He begins gently, his lips hovering just above her ear. "I think it's beautiful beyond words. With skies the bluest blue and grass the greenest green. With rainbows over every body of water, fluffy white clouds you could sleep on. I think birds sing the most lovely songs and the forest smells like all sorts of amazing flowers. The food taste better than any food we every tasted, everything so perfectly sweet and salty and delicious. You could walk around barefoot, play games with pixies and find treasure with Peter. He will take you on new adventures everyday and the mermaids will play the pretty lullabies that help you sleep. The lost boys will tell the bedtime stories Wendy told them. Never having to feel the pain of any other world. Never going hungry or thirsty. But I think the most beautiful thing in Neverland is never having to grow up. To stay a kid, pure and innocent, bright and laughing forever. It's a beautiful place on the brightest star, second to the right of the moon. Shinning down on us mere mortals because we can't get there just yet. Only the most special kids can get in when Peter is ready for a new adventure."

Louis finishes in a whisper, trailing off when his voice breaks at the end. Rae wonders if he can feel her trembling when he trails his fingers along her cheek. Rae turns her face in his shoulder, trying to hold back the abrupt waves of emotion.

"It sounds lovely." She agrees to his left shoulder. She's beginning to shake harder with her efforts to hold everything back. She feels Louis wrap his arms around her waist. "Do you think-" she inhales a shuddering breath- "Ronan likes Neverland?"

"No doubt about it." Louis tells her firmly.

"I miss him, Louis." 

She starts crying again, sobbing into his chest, clutching at his shirt, sure that she accidentally pinches his skin, the lantern forgotten on the ground. Louis pulls her into his lap again, allows her to let wave after wave crash over her head. There are split seconds where, in the back of her mind, Rae is going to drown in nothing but the pitch black ocean of panic. It's chased away with every small touch, every loving kiss Louis gives her throughout her sobs. She nearly misses the sound, a small almost inaudible sniff above her head, and registers a moment later that Louis is crying too. So, Rae holds on tighter, presses herself closer and gets one arm around his back to at least show she can comfort him too.

She's not sure how long they sit like that, each crying on the other with tears staining cheeks, hair and clothes, but by the time Rae's tears slow down, the moon is higher in the night sky. There's a patch of Louis shirt that's absolutely soaked, so Rae shifts her head a little, ignoring the small hiccuping sighs she lets out. Her eyes feel puffy and it's becoming harder with each blink to keep them open. Louis begins to hum a soft tune, chin resting on her head and starts to rock them back and forth. 

Rae continues to release dry little sobs, attempting to regain control of her breathing, sniffing and trying to subtly wipe her nose with her sleeve. Words start to slip between Louis' lips, singing as soft as the moons light. She lets his voice, tender with a delicate rasp, lull her into a serene state of mind, wishing she never has to leave the comfort of his arms. She listens to his words, quiet and slow and so, so pretty. She finally recognizes the song from Peter Pan, and pulls back just farther enough to tilt her head up to see his face.

Louis's eyes are a little bloodshot, lids slightly swollen and Rae thinks she probably looks the same. It's when he smiles down at her, faint crinkles forming by the corner of his eyes, does the pain numb a bit. Louis lifts a hand, tenderly caressing her cheek, wiping away the dry tear tracks. It's a touch that makes her want to close her eyes, to just let her exhaustion overcome her and sleep out here, in his arms under the moon. Her eyelids flutter sleepy, and Louis' expression turns fond, his eyes softening. Sometimes, she thinks, Louis looks like the setting sun when he looks at her. His smile so bright, eyes filled with different shades of color, gaze so loving and full of warmth that she can almost feel it heat up her heart.

"I sang to him." Rae tells him, voice so quiet it nearly blows away with the breeze. "My Only Sunshine. Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Louis inhales slowly, like the bit of information has his heart breaking. His thumb is absentmindedly rubbing soothing swipe over her arm. "I'm sure he absolutely loved that. Hearing your beautiful voice was his favorite thing. Oh! How about writing lyrics?"

"On the lantern?"

"Yes." Louis nods, his hand slipping down to entangle their fingers.

He leans downs to place a gentle kiss to her lips, and when he breaks away, he lifts her hand up to kiss each of her knuckles. Louis only gets to the second knuckle when Rae's eyes catch the spot he was rubbing earlier. His tender touch soothing on her inner forearm, right over her tattoo. An idea sparks in her mind, blatantly surprisingly at herself for how stupid she is. She wanted to write the perfect thing on the lantern, racking for hours on what to put on the canvas when the answer is literally etched on her skin.

"Yeah," Rae begins distantly, "yeah. Actually," she says a little louder, "I know exactly what to put."

She leans forward, only after Louis presses his lips to the last knuckle, to pick up the lantern. She points to the lighter and sharpie by Louis' foot when he put them down earlier. She smiles her thanks when he hands them to her, rests the lantern on her thighs and begins writing. Once she's written on one side, she flips it over to write on the other. She examines her words, simple, nothing fancy; no doodles or full on Iron Man, just simple words that mean everything to her. She recaps the marker, sticking it back in the pocket of the hoodie. She looks over at Louis, who is politely looking away over at the trees, and smiles.

"Help me light it?" Rae asks, standing up and holding out her hand to Louis. He takes the lighter from her hand, then laces their fingers together, allows Rae to pull him along until they're standing in the middle of the backyard.

"Hold it still, love." Louis murmurs, flicking the lighter twice until the flame erupts from the starter.

Rae watches Louis as he concentrates lighting all for corners of the little flammable rectangle. He's tongue is poking out of the corner of his mouth, brows furrowed as he focuses. The flames cast tiny shadows to dance across his cheekbones, lashes fluttering every time he blinks. The second he deems it worthy and well lit, he looks up at her from under his lashes, giving her the smallest smile and yeah. She is so in love with him. Louis places one hand on hers on the bottom of the floating light, and the other holds onto the top so the heat circles evenly. Rae sees it when he notices the words she's written and swear his eyes become watery.

Ronan's name is written neatly across the top on the side facing Louis, with _To the Moon and Back_ just underneath it. Slowly, carefully, Rae turns the lantern, which is beginning to float on its on, to show the other side to him. _Off to Neverland_ Rae has written, deeming the phrases perfect for Ronan, and for herself.

Louis clears his throat and nods, no words needing to be spoken. Both of them focus on the lantern, double checking that it'll float safely to the sky when they release it. The second lantern starts to pull against their hold, Rae snaps her gaze across the top to Louis'. She inhales shakily, counting in her head for several seconds, trying to ease the knot in her stomach.

"You know what this means, right?" She says without really meaning to ask. "I'll be letting go. It's the start of...of healing I guess. Letting go."

Louis lightly squeezes her hand. "Letting go isn't forgetting, Raelyn." He tells her gently, holding her gaze. "It is never forgetting." 

"He's gone." She whispers, mostly to remind herself of why her heart will continue to beating with a missing half.

"Neverland." Is Louis' quiet response. 

Rae stares at him for a moment, before closing her eyes. She can feel a few tears escape through her lashes, and attempts to inhale and exhale again, calming herself. She allows Louis' words to sink in, that Ronan will never truly be gone, will always be a part of her. When she's regrouped herself, she opens her eyes to see a soft smile gracing Louis lips.

"Ready?" She questions.

"Only if you are." Louis answers. 

Rae nods firmly. "To the moon and back."

They both raise the lantern above their heads. Slowly, probably because she knows what this all symbolizes, she lets go of the top, and allows Louis to take away her hand at the bottom. It hovers in the air for several seconds before it begins to float upward. There's a delicate touch at her hips, fingers finding their way beneath the hoodie and her shirt to rest on her skin. Louis' fingers anchor her, whether he knows it's exactly what she needs, or if by accident. 

Either way, it grounds her, soothes her, confirms that watching the light continue to climb higher into the night sky is a step forward. She steps back into his hold, until she can feel his heart beating in his chest against her back, and wraps his arms fully around her. There's so much to think about from this point on; how to begin the healing process for her and her mother especially. How to handle less work hours and nights with actual sleep. How to deal with the fact that Louis will soon be gone, touring the world with his four best mates, and barely getting to talk to him. To see him, hear his voice, for him to hold her the way he is now. Or feel the graze of his lips against her ear.

"I can hear your thoughts, you know." Louis teases, tightening his grip. "It'll be alright. Everything will be fine, Raelyn. Just watch your light."

Rae sighs, relaxing more into his hold. She clears he heard as she focuses back on the lantern, growing smaller with each passing second. It's probably just tricky angles, but it looks like it's heading through towards the moon, and just that little thought alone reassures her.

It's unclear how long they stand outside, holding each other and watching the lantern until it blends among the stars. Louis has been sporadically dropping kisses on any part of her he can reach. The back of her head, her ear, neck, shoulder, jaw, until Rae finally spin around to press their lips together. Louis pulls back after a moment, resting his forehead against hers.

"I love you, you know." He ensures her. "So much."

In response, Rae buries her face into his neck, squeezing her arms around his waist. "I know," She answers against his skin. She places a single kiss over his pulse point. "I know, and thank you." When Rae finally pulls back, after inhaling his scent for several minutes, until everything in her mind cleared away, Louis wipes the remaining tears from her cheeks. She does the same to him, her touch lingering a lot longer than necessary. 

"Did Harry leave those mini cheesecakes?" She asks, pressing one last kiss against his neck.

Louis chuckles softly, low in his throat and vibrating against her lips. "I'll make some tea, yeah?"

Rae nods, pulling away to meet his eyes, so blue with specks of green like the sea that it's unfair how bright they shine in the night. He hooks his finger beneath her chin, tilts her head back slightly, and kisses her deep and soft. When he leans back, Rae is breathless, panting a little and they're both smiling at each other like idiots; Louis, with the crinkles by his eyes. 

"I think Niall ate about five of those cheesecakes, by the way." Louis informs, starting to lead her back to the house.

"I swear if that red velvet one is gone." Rae mutters darkly, her threat empty.

Louis laughs, sending a thrill of heat throughout her body at the sound. As Louis releases her hand to open the sliding door, still chucking, Rae realises that he's right. Eventually, everything will be alright. With the old support she always had from her friends, to the new stronger support system she has now, with her mother and each other, and with Louis especially, she'll being to heal. It's going to take a great amount of time. It's going to be a long, hard road and the future is a little unclear and a little open now, but Rae thinks she can do it. If she keeps the thought that Ronan is having he greatest fun ever in Neverland; laughing and dancing and singing and walking without anything sort of darkness, without any pain.

Rae spares a last glance over her shoulder at the moon, her lantern completely gone from sight, but she knows in her heart, it's a constant star, it's still there. There's a shout from the kitchen and a loud voice that could only belong to Louis boasting about how good a certain flavor is, regains her attention. So Raelyn goes inside to scold the man she loves about stealing her cheesecake, and probably her heart as well. Cheesecake first though.

 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.  
> Thank you to anyone who has read even one chapter of this story. I know it's just a fictional story written by a fan, but the events that happened are very close to my heart and this story, and it's characters mean so much to me. Thank you for your support and for reading :)
> 
> Thank you to Liz, who allowed me to send her my ideas and give her feedback. Also, if anyone is a nurse at a children's hospital, you guys are the true heroes and I say that from witnessing those heroes in action.
> 
> Last note; this story isn't finished. I decide to make it into a little mini series and more chapters will be on the way.
> 
> Thank you always, and forever and for all the love.  
> -A


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